# Bovi on personal evolution, therapy & modern marriage challenges | Dear Ife Series Podcast

An episode of [Diary of A Naija Girl](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1888131074), 20 Feb 2026, 1 h 14 min.

Audio: https://episode.flightcast.com/cnfjwz824wpb1vm1d0qojorg.mp3

Bovi joined us on the Dear Ife podcast couch for one of our most honest and insightful conversations yet. He opened up about his professional journey, his deep level of self-awareness, and his experience with therapy: what it has meant for him and how it shapes the man he is today. We also had a powerful discussion about the realities of external influences in marriage, how they can quietly affect a wife’s confidence, and what it truly takes to rise above them. Now, we’re handing the conversation over to you, dear DANG community members. We can’t wait to read your thoughts, analysis, and suggestions in the comments. Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe. Chapters 00:00 Introduction and discussion of the expiry date of marriage 02:00 Re-evaluating monogamy as a social construct 08:35 Bovi's journey in therapy and vulnerability 10:48 Lessons in presence and forgiving oneself 16:32 The alter ego on stage versus real-life loneliness 19:15 Decentralised fame and the influence of the internet 24:10 The need for emotional education in schools 26:42 Intergenerational trauma and understanding our fathers 29:05 The neuroscience of trauma: Amygdala vs. prefrontal cortex 35:10 ADHD and mind wandering in everyday life 37:25 Reinventing marriage: connection vs. attachment 40:48 A critique of traditional marriage vows and church involvement 45:48 The evolution of women and changing roles in marriage 49:50 Memories of regrettable jokes and navigating public sensitivity 55:34 Dear Ife Story: dealing with a 'Destiny helper' side chick 58:34 Analysing the story: savior complexes and destiny helpers 1:04:40 Reinvention and personal responsibility Want more visual podcasts from DANG? SUBSCRIBE: https://www.youtube.com/@diaryofanaijagirl #DANG #DiaryofaNaijaGirl #DANGWithIfe About Diary of a Naija Girl Diary of a Naija Girl (DANG) is an online community, founded and managed by Ifedayo Agoro, to inspire women across the world through creative storytelling. Back in 2015, it started as an online diary, sharing the everyday adventures of an anonymous Nigerian woman. Fast forward nine years, and it has become a tribe of incredible women, living their best lives one story at a time. DANG is a safe space for women to be unapologetically themselves, a family that laughs, learns and lifts each other, from Lagos to every corner of the world. About Ifedayo Agoro An entrepreneur, creative writer, content creator, content marketer and media strategist, Ifedayo Agoro is the founder of Diary of a Naija Girl (DANG) and DANG Lifestyle, a premium home and body care production company, which she launched in Nigeria in 2020. Ifedayo is passionate about social responsibility and philanthropy. She sponsors several young residents at Little Saints Orphanage and partners with Lots Charity Foundation, a non-governmental aid organisation. Connect with DANG Online: Like DANG on FACEBOOK: https://bit.ly/3xLjCkU Follow DANG on TWITTER: https://bit.ly/4aBgy9I Follow DANG on INSTAGRAM: https://bit.ly/4ay4Axu Follow DANG on LINKEDIN: https://bit.ly/3JhGpHM

## Transcript

[0:01] Have you ever said a joke that you wish you didn't say?
[0:05] Yeah.
[0:06] What joke is this?
[0:09] One day you wrote a comment, and I sent it to you.
[0:11] I said, brother, I don't talk about it.
[0:12] When I say every man shall have an expiry date.
[0:14] Yes, and then when it expires, go and renew it.
[0:17] Do you still believe that?
[0:18] Oh, yeah.
[0:20] When you look at the concept of love and union,
[0:24] it is not supposed to be a contract.
[0:27] What the church does is contractual.
[0:30] We talk about marriage a lot these days.
[0:32] But the more we talk about marriage, the more it seems that people are lonelier.
[0:36] Men especially.
[0:37] Most men suffer from a heartbreak from their first true love.
[0:45] Mmm.
[0:46] Yes.
[1:00] Hi everybody, welcome to another episode of the Dare EFFEST series.
[1:04] This is a safe space where we bring in raw, true conversations.
[1:08] And we have these conversations with our guests.
[1:10] You send in your stories and we share it with our guests.
[1:12] They also share their opinions with us.
[1:15] We hope that the story that we share today will mean something to at least one person
[1:19] and you can take some advice home with you.
[1:22] Today, I have the amazing, the talented, my friend, one of the most brilliant people I've ever seen in this life.
[1:32] And the most requested guest on this show.
[1:36] Oh, wow.
[1:36] The man on fire himself, Bovi.
[1:44] What do you mean by Nawa?
[1:45] I didn't say Nawa, I said Nawa.
[1:47] You don't know that you've been requested to come on this show?
[1:49] Not as the most.
[1:51] I had no idea.
[1:52] go and check tags bovie bovie bovie bovie bovie bovie bovie is here here i am yes oh yeah now
[2:01] there was one day i was watching bovie on tv i was in america i now took i wanted to take video of
[2:05] the of the video i said wait i'll call you and i said bovie i'm watching you you were on mentality
[2:11] oh okay and he said oh men are not meant to be monogamous i said bovie you are six years i didn't
[2:20] say men are not meant to be monogamous and i'm not six years in marriage 16. yeah hey and you're 16
[2:25] years in marriage yeah and you say men are not but you are not i didn't say men are not meant
[2:29] what did you say i said monogamy is a social construct but everybody assumed i was ready
[2:38] everybody assumed i was giving many free pass what were you doing what was i was stating the
[2:43] the facts you know what fun when you study evolution i don't want to go into the science
[2:51] of it but let's go through the religion of it yes you know by biblically there's nothing like
[2:58] polygamy in the bible yeah the word polygam is not mentioned anywhere in the bible okay
[3:03] some of god's greatest generals had many wives okay you know so me saying it's a social construct
[3:13] doesn't mean it is wrong to be monogamous or it's bad to be right i'm just saying those are the
[3:19] things uh thinkers in society felt like you know what is it's more ideal for us to make society
[3:26] most sane is ideal for a man to marry to one woman you get what i'm saying because in our society
[3:34] here a man can have more than one wife abroad in the west you can't but in the west two women can
[3:41] get married two men can get married do you get what i'm saying i get what you're saying i just
[3:48] what i'm trying to say is that many of these rules are man-made okay ultimately they are man-made so
[3:54] So monogamy is something that was introduced to keep society in check, in shape.
[4:01] Because when you study history, time was when people would just show up in a community
[4:06] and without questions, they would sack it and keep the women.
[4:10] And then the words like sovereignty were introduced to say,
[4:16] okay, this place, they are a sovereign nation.
[4:19] So you can't just enter.
[4:20] But before then, you could just enter.
[4:24] Now you can't just enter, the rest of the world will gang up against you.
[4:28] Same thing, back then men would just show up and say I like this woman.
[4:33] But she's betrothed.
[4:34] Well, call him out.
[4:36] Let's have a physical combat.
[4:38] Let the winner take the woman.
[4:41] So thinkers, shapers of society helped to curb those things, including multiple wives to give society shape.
[4:52] So man has kept refining himself.
[4:55] So me saying it wasn't like me giving it pass.
[4:58] It was me just stating those of you who frown at it
[5:01] and shout as,
[5:03] oh, oh, oh, this man gets it.
[5:05] He's chasing this girl or this and that.
[5:08] Come on, just because you seem differently
[5:10] doesn't make your way the right way.
[5:12] Yeah.
[5:13] Yeah, so I agree with you.
[5:14] That is what you feed your mind or your soul
[5:18] that makes some things right or wrong.
[5:19] Yes.
[5:21] they still right or wrong no how I mean you know killing somebody is that right
[5:27] it's not right depending on the circumstances no because I'm not a
[5:33] killer yeah but I could yeah I agree with you easily yeah yeah I know I'm
[5:40] just saying that generally thank you somebody does work up past on a
[5:43] psychopath something and just that's you know how we do how they do in the
[5:48] abroad that's that's wrong so and it's unfortunate it's always sick person that would do that will
[5:56] you say they were wrong ignorance of the law is no excuse neither is being sick you know so that's
[6:01] why personally i'm not even a fan of the death penalty because i've come to realize that we are
[6:09] all mad to varying degrees where your beliefs clashes with my beliefs one of us is mad you get
[6:18] And then people who do these things have come to understand that something is not right in the head.
[6:24] Our brains travel through several neural pathways.
[6:28] Some people are unfortunate that the pathways their brains travel leads them into trouble, leads them into social misfits and all.
[6:38] Before we started, Frank was telling me of the altercation.
[6:42] You guys resisted in Dallas.
[6:46] Yeah.
[6:47] And what I wanted to say, I was enjoying the cheese so I didn't say, was that you see somebody who comes to fight you for no reason, it's a trauma response.
[6:59] So if they've not fought in one week, their body is in a bad state.
[7:04] Their body is in a bad state.
[7:05] So they will kick you and say, why did you match me?
[7:08] Just to have a reason to fight.
[7:10] yes if you study the brain you will really forgive people because 95 of the things most of us do
[7:22] is auto or two auto response automated yes
[7:31] auto responses yes before you think this is what i'm used to that's how i respond
[7:36] that's triggered me you got something in me so absolutely i'll just they've touched your wound
[7:40] yes i was i always try to give this analogy that take for example i'm like this now if i have an
[7:46] injury here if you touch me here it will hurt if you touch me it will hurt if you touch me close
[7:52] to it it will really hurt but if you touch me on the injury i will drop most of us are carrying
[7:59] psychological wounds we are definitely carrying yeah so so look for when you want to poke someone
[8:06] and say no if i tell him like this yeah yeah i stand up in his face yeah i hate for people to
[8:11] be so predictable because people don't know where to touch and people will know they'll take i don't
[8:16] like as long as they know where to touch you yeah they keep doing that absolutely no wound heals
[8:20] completely trauma wounds they hardly let me not say no they hardly heal completely so you must
[8:27] now learn how to manage them and have fun with life yes and move because people take advantage
[8:35] I like how we're talking about trauma so let's go to therapy okay yes I know you're in therapy
[8:41] yeah how is that going I love it because it gives me an opportunity to be vulnerable
[8:48] because um I've been vulnerable I like to be vulnerable I wanted to say like I like to be
[8:55] vulnerable there's a lot of strength in vulnerability yeah you know I discovered that by mistake I'm
[9:02] just me i like to keep it real sometimes too real you know and it has got me bored more often than
[9:11] not you know because people want to talk i think i was the last to realize that oh having a
[9:18] conversation with somebody like bovie may not be a big deal for me but it's a big deal for who i'm
[9:24] talking to especially watching what you say watch who i say yes what you say to whom yeah because
[9:31] Because you're like, oh, this is Bobby.
[9:32] So I used to think that anybody who stands in your front
[9:37] will show their excitement of seeing you
[9:38] because I will show my excitement if I see people I idolize, right?
[9:42] I didn't realize that there are people who know how to be,
[9:45] keep it composed on the outside,
[9:48] but on the inside, they are having butterflies.
[9:51] So I mistake certain type of people as friends
[9:54] and then I become vulnerable.
[9:56] Not because I'm looking for who to be vulnerable to,
[9:58] but the kind of job I do tends to isolate you a lot.
[10:01] So when people meet you, they don't want to meet the real you.
[10:03] They want to meet the character.
[10:06] I don't want you to jump because I was going to go to fame,
[10:08] but I want to go back to therapy.
[10:10] Okay.
[10:10] How is it and what are you learning?
[10:12] That's what therapy has done for me.
[10:14] Makes me express myself.
[10:16] But the most important thing I have learned from therapy is
[10:19] my therapist got me to write about my life from when I was born
[10:23] in five year batches till now.
[10:26] So I did from zero to 45.
[10:28] and I was amazed yes I was amazed at the things I remembered you know so it led
[10:36] therapy taught me to sit with myself like sit still and don't don't distract
[10:41] yourself in your phone don't distract yourself by watching TV don't distract
[10:44] yourself by home sit still be present the clarity that comes with it is insane
[10:53] guys both is the king of doing this you don't do that a lot
[10:59] yeah
[11:04] the therapy helped you too it hasn't stopped that has to do with therapy unveiled so many things
[11:11] for me you know i was explaining so many of things as oh my adhd symptoms and everything
[11:18] my therapist got me to you know go and get tested she was like these are not symptoms
[11:25] yeah not for you okay so through my work i found out that most people are in the spectrum actually
[11:34] yeah i am yeah you know so knowing helped me is helping me to now manage myself and most
[11:44] importantly forgive myself you know i've learned to understand that people make mistakes and it's
[11:50] okay to make mistakes yeah yeah it's so amazing i want to know what you were you you you got from
[11:57] those stages that you were asked to write about but before then i wanted to share our experience
[12:02] i don't who laughed when he said oh ife i found out i'm autistic who laughed did we both laugh
[12:07] or i was laughing
[12:13] why do you think i laughed i didn't say i don't like to say i'm autistic no you
[12:16] said i'm on the autistic spectrum you said something
[12:18] why do you think i laughed i don't know i don't know why i like it
[12:21] yeah i process and i'm like oh i laughed because it wasn't
[12:25] it was it didn't shock me i told you that you shocked me yes yes yes i remember
[12:30] why am i not shocked yeah looking at your behavior
[12:33] I can actually see the happy.
[12:37] I'm not laughing.
[12:39] I'm not laughing at people on the spectrum.
[12:41] I was laughing at my friend.
[12:43] But again, the laughter was not like good for you or whatever.
[12:45] It's just like, oh.
[12:47] Yeah.
[12:48] I see now.
[12:48] But did you see it too after?
[12:50] I did.
[12:51] You know, my interpretation of it eventually was that, well, they've widened the spectrum to help people define their misbehavior or their misfeeds.
[13:03] fitness into setting scenarios you get um my therapist was like you have done a lot of work
[13:12] even before knowing even before coming to me yeah even before getting tested I know you have already
[13:18] done a lot of work so I give myself credit for that in as much as I know that maybe I'm just
[13:24] lucky you know but it's it's what do you mean you're just lucky you don't give yourself credit
[13:29] being self-aware i think most of it was by accident because i'm a very inquisitive person
[13:36] i don't give yourself credit for being inquisitive i don't think i'll call it luck it's not you are
[13:41] actually a very self-aware person but we move because we talk about this thing okay yes okay
[13:47] so you don't work on yourself so i'm doing work yes i mean therapy said at the time you had gotten
[13:52] to her you had understood or done some work on yourself and so but there was still more work to
[13:59] be done there is always work because as human beings we're evolving and if you don't evolve
[14:05] you become stuck you start dying basically you don't grow you know so the work never stops but
[14:12] for me the most beautiful thing she said was everything from zero to now yeah was written
[14:19] for you because now is the time you have taken time yes you may have left home in your 20s
[14:23] your early 20s but what was written for you shaped you to this moment now is the time to write
[14:33] your own story everything was written for you before up to 45 yeah wow yeah
[14:41] it was written for you up to 45 yes but like i said even though i left home quite early
[14:48] I was still going through the templates of the things that had shaped me I was still practicing
[14:54] those things you know caring too much what people say suppressing how you really feel
[15:02] not expressing your true emotions those are things that I learned from before the age of 12
[15:10] and they escort you through life.
[15:13] You know, so
[15:15] like I said,
[15:17] it made me realize that, okay,
[15:18] you're not crazy after all.
[15:20] You're not wrong for dreaming
[15:22] in a certain type of way.
[15:24] You're not wrong for going against
[15:26] the rules
[15:28] and the regulations,
[15:30] you know.
[15:32] So now it's a case of, okay, write your story.
[15:34] Write your own story.
[15:35] How do you want to go?
[15:36] I love that though.
[15:37] I mean, my
[15:38] therapist is not telling me that one.
[15:40] But I actually love the fact that you say this story was written for you because you have gone with what you knew.
[15:46] Now you know better.
[15:47] It's time to do better for yourself.
[15:49] I tell people about therapy.
[15:50] It's good.
[15:50] Then I used to feel guilty of breaking the rules I was given.
[15:57] So now I now understand that there was nothing to be guilty about.
[16:01] I was in tune with my pre-installed DNA.
[16:07] The things that just drove my animalistic instincts.
[16:12] And you had to break away from that.
[16:14] Very important.
[16:14] Yes, not to feel guilty.
[16:16] Yeah, cheers to that.
[16:20] Cheers to that.
[16:21] That's what I mean.
[16:22] So when we talk about sometimes suppressing yourself,
[16:26] do you express on stage what you suppress sometimes?
[16:32] I can experience it before stage.
[16:34] I can experience it after stage.
[16:38] When I say that, how does this person feel?
[16:41] Well, I think my biggest luck is that my alter ego,
[16:45] when it comes out on stage, it's a whole different, it's a beast.
[16:49] Yeah, it's a beast, you know.
[16:51] So it's such a beast, like, it's like an incredible hawk.
[16:55] So when I shrink back to the character Bruce Banner,
[16:59] I'm not myself, but my clothes are torn.
[17:01] You know, so people see me and expect that version of stage,
[17:07] but that's really not me.
[17:09] It's one area I've been lucky.
[17:11] When I get on stage, it's do or die, you're on the one front.
[17:15] You have to entertain.
[17:17] People are paid to laugh.
[17:19] So, yeah.
[17:21] There are times I've shrunk myself, I'm not gonna lie, in the beginning.
[17:25] But over time, it just becomes second nature of that personality.
[17:31] And one of the things I'm happy about is that it feels like multiple personalities.
[17:37] So I can go on stage and just do a solemn performance.
[17:40] There are times I go on stage and I'm a firecracker.
[17:43] There are times I go on stage and I'm sounding like a philosopher.
[17:46] Yes.
[17:47] Okay, I'm a philosopher.
[17:48] You are a philosopher.
[17:50] You are a philosopher.
[17:51] So you go on stage and be who you are.
[17:54] Yes.
[17:55] Depending on the type of event.
[17:56] Yeah.
[17:57] Amazing.
[17:57] So the loneliness that comes with fame, it's kind of hard for me to understand that sometimes, right?
[18:07] You're very, very famous.
[18:10] And when you say things like, oh, it kind of separates you.
[18:15] And when it's different, people expect you to be the same there.
[18:20] I don't know if I really truly understand it.
[18:23] I mean, not that you align.
[18:24] I'm just saying for me, how you have so many people who like you outside of stage, in real life, who are your friends.
[18:32] How do you still feel, you know, lonely in that way?
[18:35] Well, the truth is, even without fame, I have come to understand that I would have still felt lonely.
[18:43] And that's because the way I think, you know, I don't have so many people in that same bracket with me.
[18:51] and it's not like my thinking is superior it's just that it can be off it can be totally off
[18:58] you know so i've learned to keep my mouth shut sometimes in public because what i'm saying feels
[19:04] off but it's very real and very genuine to me now with the fame i have learned that two things
[19:15] Number one, fame is cheap.
[19:18] More than ever before, fame is very cheap.
[19:23] Now, it's less than a Naira.
[19:26] Maybe a Kobo.
[19:30] So anybody can be famous.
[19:31] Anybody can be famous.
[19:32] And fame is fickle too.
[19:35] You can be as off fame as much as you were famous yesterday.
[19:41] Time was when fame was, okay, you are famous.
[19:44] but even if you are not doing anything that thing you did that made you famous they will be
[19:49] remembering you for it or not disruption is the order of the day yeah so your fame doesn't even
[19:54] need to fade for it to end yes because somebody else is doing something really crazy on the side
[20:01] you know so the second reason is when i was working with rmb as his pa in the early 2000s
[20:11] one day, I'm in the office.
[20:13] He's coming to the office,
[20:14] but there's traffic on Tony Street.
[20:16] He gets down from the vehicle and starts walking
[20:19] like a
[20:21] gentle lion.
[20:23] One hand in pocket,
[20:24] head bowed,
[20:26] and just throwing to the office.
[20:27] So people in traffic,
[20:28] they're like,
[20:29] and he's just gliding.
[20:33] I'm watching him from the balcony
[20:35] till I'm panicking for him.
[20:38] You know?
[20:39] And he walks like that to the office.
[20:42] So I asked him, how do you cope with all this fame and everything, people greeting you?
[20:47] He said, you ignore it.
[20:49] Because if you get used to it, even when you've lost the fame, you won't be able to go out.
[20:54] You'll be feeling, oh, people are looking at me and they can't depress you.
[20:58] Ain't nobody looking at you.
[20:59] Ain't nobody looking at you.
[21:01] And again, that could be addictive.
[21:03] Knowing that, oh, people are hailing and then they stop hailing.
[21:06] It could seem...
[21:07] It can kill you.
[21:08] Yeah.
[21:09] So if you, I'm not saying be famous and walk on the streets, no.
[21:15] I'm just saying be famous enough to surprise people and show up at the local pub.
[21:21] Before they even gather themselves, you and your friends don't drink and don't go.
[21:25] And I'm not saying 10 minutes drink, you can be there two hours.
[21:28] It will take them one hour to wrap their heads and say,
[21:32] Naim diyon, naim diyon.
[21:35] You know, stuff like that.
[21:37] yeah but ultimately it's um it's a world of its own but the internet has decentralized fame fame
[21:45] is not now only for actors or musicians any idiot can be famous i was going to ask is that good or
[21:51] bad that anybody can be famous it's the times we live in so we it doesn't matter it doesn't matter
[21:58] it doesn't matter let everybody is working therapy is working
[22:03] I told you that in my books that I don't even judge people.
[22:06] That's what God said, don't judge.
[22:08] I'm not realizing, look, you don't know what people are going through.
[22:10] There are people who are doing very stupid things online.
[22:14] That you can't stand.
[22:16] Spend 10 minutes with them.
[22:17] If you can get them to open up, you'll forgive everything they are doing.
[22:21] You tell them that look, this thing you are doing is crazy, but I understand.
[22:25] I can see it.
[22:25] I can see why.
[22:26] yeah so when we talk about if you woke up today did you finish what you're talking about
[22:32] befame being lonely did you finish your time yeah like i said because of my thought process and the
[22:40] way i look at life sometimes you know it makes me isolate even though i like my company though
[22:47] i like my company you know so do i get lonely sometimes absolutely because i want to talk
[22:54] so that's why i've had sessions with my therapist that i was just talking yeah and she was just
[23:00] listening yeah it was not part of the program i noticed she would just let me the nigerian in me
[23:06] first was like ah this man just the chopper she's not stopping she's not stopping me advising me or
[23:12] giving me assignments yes but i now realize it's all part of the process so i have somewhere to
[23:18] to let it all out.
[23:21] Yeah, true.
[23:23] One day I went to my therapist years and years and years ago.
[23:27] And I remember that I was in New York.
[23:30] I remember that we, nothing happened that day.
[23:34] But I had an urge to just speak.
[23:38] I had an appointment, of course.
[23:40] But nothing happened that day that would make me.
[23:43] So I wanted to go and just regular questions.
[23:45] So what have you been going through?
[23:47] What's been going on?
[23:48] are your dreams because you know i used to tell my therapist about my nightmares after my mom died
[23:52] so he said have you had nightmares those are the initial questions before my answers begin to
[23:57] trigger him to now ask questions but on that day i sat there i don't know when i lay down
[24:05] and i slept off after talking talking talking talking talking i just let off and even spent i
[24:11] know we would do this to that 45 minutes yeah if it's over you have to go no he left me there i
[24:17] went to another office to take his next client yes with your time running yes run off after i
[24:24] finished talking i slept off it was 45 minutes he didn't wake me he just left me there i went to
[24:29] another office to take his next client yeah instead of saying get up yeah he just didn't
[24:34] break the no no no and then when i woke up i looked at the time i slept two hours no way yes
[24:43] so when he came back i said are you okay fine next time is that all yes was the next time he told me
[24:50] i just allowed you to be so tired your case is severe he said you were so tired i didn't know
[24:58] i was that tired yeah but if he had stopped me midway i would have just allowed it and let it
[25:03] go too so my thoughts were not interrupted and i really love that about therapists yeah yes they
[25:08] will not interrupt your thoughts and that way you can express and then you know i've been advocating
[25:15] even though unofficially right yeah things like therapy because i remember back in secondary
[25:22] school we had a guidance counselor we never used him for anything we didn't used to go to
[25:27] the guy because i don't even know why we didn't go so those are things that should be insisted on
[25:33] now for people
[25:35] like for students from primary
[25:37] it should be broken down
[25:39] I've been advocating that love should be a subject
[25:42] so you teach children
[25:43] that it's okay to tell your daddy your mommy
[25:45] I love you teach daddy
[25:47] and mommy to tell you I love you
[25:49] not teach them to tell daddy
[25:51] but tell them did you tell your daddy I love you
[25:53] did you tell your mommy I love you
[25:54] so you know the homes that are already troubled
[25:57] from beginning
[25:58] did you ever tell your dad I love you
[25:59] your mom
[26:01] of course yes of course you did yeah my dad would say thank you for saying i love you
[26:07] even tried many fathers to say
[26:12] exactly my dad would say thank you thank you god bless you god bless you my mom that's a block
[26:19] he said my mom you walk out of there she don't say i love you what is your issue
[26:22] come back here even if she has shouted at you i don't like this way is it are you going my
[26:27] come back and say i love you she wants to i love you she like you know so my mom so it was so
[26:33] crazy that you come out of a home where your mom will say i love you i love you but your dad will
[26:36] say i know most of our fathers they are from an injured generation they saw the war they saw
[26:48] military rule in his full form full blast so they lived in so much fear so they learned to bottle
[26:56] emotions up right and act tough but it was all rooted in fear to protect us also themselves us
[27:08] you sure they're not protecting they're not like i don't even call it protecting themselves they
[27:12] were just they were afraid yeah there's a wall there's a wall there if they were not afraid
[27:17] they wouldn't they would be vulnerable for their kids with their kids yeah they were touched so
[27:23] much shame imagine a father at that time he's probably driving with his kids he's thinking
[27:29] in his mind please let me not come across soldiers who embarrass me in front of my children you know
[27:35] so that's made them want to always act like kind of tough and stuff they were injured people they
[27:40] saw biafra most of them does that you know i don't want to say does that excuse that war
[27:50] or the trauma they passed on to their children.
[27:53] Does that excuse?
[27:54] Should we look back and say, okay, I understand.
[27:57] You know, we've talked about yes, understanding people.
[28:00] Is there a responsibility that they must also take?
[28:04] It depends.
[28:06] It depends because you have to look at general rules.
[28:09] One general principle is you cannot give what you don't have.
[28:14] And what you have is what you give.
[28:16] So if I have a lot of bullshit, I can act nice.
[28:20] but only for a few hours after a while i would start to give so it's between that person
[28:26] and god it has nothing to do with you nothing anybody really does it's about you i do agree
[28:32] i'm just trying to because when people say oh if they knew better they would do better some
[28:38] children tell their parents what you're doing is hurting me you're pushing me away from you
[28:44] they say it's not like some some children just take it in okay whatever you do and then they
[28:48] run away and you don't hear from them but some children tell their parents but they don't know
[28:53] how to stop because that parents is speaking through the child in them that was injured
[28:59] not the adult in them the adult has says listen yes a set of videos i want to start doing there
[29:05] are two parts of the brain i have come to study right the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex
[29:13] the amygdala is like a muscle that is what's responsible for detecting threats
[29:19] the amygdala tells you run, fight, pretend like you are dead
[29:24] it's doing everything to protect you a child whose amygdala is constantly
[29:30] active say for fights for example when that child grows up the amygdala is
[29:36] bigger than the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for reasoning calmness
[29:42] logic so someone who's amygdala is more active than the prefrontal cortex will be easily triggered
[29:51] because the amygdala muscle has been so trained i'll let you say the brain is about training yes
[29:56] it has been so trained that it tells you while i do while i do even when there is no clear and
[30:03] present threat or when the clear and present threat is your child your amygdala doesn't know
[30:10] your amygdala is just like no why is this child staring you in the face the way they were staring
[30:15] down at you when you were a kid and you couldn't talk man shut this little f**ker up so when you're
[30:21] telling your parents you're hurting me i don't like how you are touching their wound their
[30:25] amygdala is saying that they are injuring you they are injuring you they are rude yeah they are rude
[30:29] give it meaning oh you know that's why god said we should forgive everybody that's sad it's not
[30:35] like i have the ability to forgive everybody i'm just saying this is the truth i yes i see the
[30:43] truth i just really don't like when even though we have seen the truth taking away the responsibility
[30:48] of what that person has done well if it's a moral sin it's unfortunate if it's a a sin that is made
[30:57] provision by for in the law yeah that's why they say ignorance of the law is no excuse so you go
[31:03] to jail for it.
[31:05] But that's why I'm advocating
[31:07] that these things be taught
[31:09] in schools.
[31:11] Thanksgiving,
[31:13] breath work,
[31:14] love.
[31:15] They need to be broken down.
[31:17] You need to start to teach children to say, sit still.
[31:20] Breathe in.
[31:22] Hold.
[31:24] Out from your mouth.
[31:26] Because that helps to shrink
[31:27] the amygdala.
[31:28] It helps you to stay
[31:29] present.
[31:30] If your mind is to say, bring
[31:31] yourself back.
[31:32] I didn't learn this in therapy,
[31:33] the way i read about all this what book is this i can't quote one now yeah you know so you learn
[31:43] so these are the things that need to be taught because there are good people who do really really
[31:48] bad things and that's just because of the brain and the brain has been trained to fight fight
[31:54] yeah through it everywhere you go oh that's crazy there's a documentaries off netflix now and it was
[32:02] a dual release it was not released worldwide murder in the mall when terrorists attacked the
[32:11] mall in kenya one of my famous poets was killed there
[32:19] when you see the videos where the terrorists stopped the mall there were people who took to
[32:24] flight right there were those who were running and looking back those was their trauma responses
[32:30] to fight but god did this thing if not there were those there was a man who lay on the floor his
[32:38] head inside here but his whole body was outside and they came and they shot him dead because his
[32:44] body goes into a freeze or phone so fun it's like i just bury my head and pretend this thing is not
[32:50] because there's nothing going on there are many children like that especially molested children
[32:55] right who because their molester is going to come at night they just start
[33:01] the dream that I'm not here I'm not here and the molester comes they stay still
[33:05] the molester leaves they are still still yes yes so when those type grow up even what they
[33:12] don't want to do they take it they'll take it yes yes you know so that's why I
[33:18] said these things need to be taught in our schools do you teach your kids these
[33:23] things like breath control i mean your kids already do i love you they're very close yeah
[33:28] yeah so that one is automated the good things are automated yeah i teach my kids on how to
[33:33] do breath work you know when they are angry or not like i'm just like yeah yeah yeah breathing
[33:40] breathe out don't worry okay so what's the issue
[33:45] I want your hands to go off again until you pause.
[33:54] Sometimes it's don't stop crying it's okay okay I let them cry yes okay but now you have
[33:59] to stop crying to communicate with me yeah you have to stop crying yeah okay when you
[34:05] finish crying you talk if you want to cry they cry yeah but I'm not going to communicate
[34:10] with you unless you are in control of your emotions so finish crying finish crying
[34:19] yeah that's amazing i'm so sorry to interrupt what you're watching but many of you have not
[34:23] subscribed i know you want to subscribe but you sometimes forget or you're enjoying it too much
[34:28] you move on right after so take a few seconds click the subscribe button let's continue watching
[34:35] a lot of things i'm learning about this um trauma thing the fights flights protect form freeze yeah
[34:45] isn't this why meditation is good i don't subscribe to i know you don't subscribe to
[34:50] meditation and i wanted you to say meditation meditation meditation oh no i have nothing
[34:56] against my attention i know you don't care for meditation i don't have the patience for it but
[35:03] i know that it's good it's good yeah i just haven't learned to really feel even this breath
[35:09] walk and they set alarm because yeah so i'm like and my mind travels do you know what it is to
[35:19] forgive yourself of things in university not university from secondary school up to university
[35:26] i can be in class like this it's just my body that is there i promise you i'm somewhere in europe or
[35:34] in the safari or the mama puts across the window yes you get what i'm saying you know that's part
[35:41] of adhd as well yeah yeah i'm gone i'm not in class i'm gone yeah i remember when my master
[35:47] teacher was teaching uh tan five plus tan six uh cosine d so i drifted then i came back i just said
[35:59] it's equal to tan it was expected returns i shouted james
[36:07] i shouted james
[36:17] Yeah, I had absolutely no idea what was going on.
[36:22] Then I had a lecturer who, mid-sentence, would freeze.
[36:28] For like four seconds.
[36:29] Then say, hey.
[36:31] Then continue.
[36:32] So one day he's teaching.
[36:34] My mind is in Mama Osato.
[36:37] This is in Abrakan now, my university.
[36:40] Mama Osato, that's me.
[36:41] There are so many people who by the time I get there, they will still be fooled.
[36:44] That's where I am.
[36:45] You have moved.
[36:47] the next thing I just heard this lecturer say
[36:49] Bovi is not here
[36:52] in this class with us
[36:53] I started laughing
[36:55] you know why?
[36:56] I wanted to say
[36:57] you are with me
[36:59] now me and you day
[37:00] now me and you day my mouth is out
[37:01] your mind not in this class
[37:03] your pauses have made my mind drift
[37:07] by the time you pause
[37:07] and you are not engaging me I don't move
[37:09] I wanted to say
[37:11] where your mind day your mind not see my mind
[37:14] didn't your mind see my mind day
[37:16] We are at the restaurant, bro.
[37:17] Oh my goodness.
[37:19] Oh my goodness.
[37:21] One day you wrote a comment
[37:22] and I sent it to you.
[37:23] I said, baby, I want to talk about it.
[37:24] Remember that comment?
[37:25] Where you said,
[37:26] every marriage should have,
[37:28] what did you say?
[37:30] Renewed.
[37:31] Can you remember how you worded it?
[37:34] No.
[37:35] When I said every marriage should have a...
[37:37] Expiry date.
[37:38] Expiry date.
[37:38] Yes.
[37:39] And then when it expires,
[37:40] go and renew it.
[37:43] Do you still believe that?
[37:45] Oh yeah.
[37:46] Why?
[37:47] People get bored with each other.
[37:49] You know, marriage, you ought to be reinventing it all the time.
[37:52] And don't forget that most people come to marriages with their demons.
[37:56] Already, you get what I'm saying.
[37:58] So it becomes really boring.
[38:01] When they say, oh, we'll look for ways to reinvent your marriage.
[38:03] I mean, check.
[38:04] They said the number of marriages that broke up during COVID when husbands and wives had to look each other in the face.
[38:10] So you see, most jobs have been saving marriages.
[38:13] Most trips have been saving marriages.
[38:15] I remember watching on CNN in 1997.
[38:20] It just came on the screen.
[38:23] Like, you know when they do those short quizzes and stuff?
[38:27] This was in a quiz.
[38:27] They just posted a quote and it says,
[38:30] let there be space in our togetherness.
[38:33] And I immediately understood what it meant.
[38:39] So there's this...
[38:43] uh i don't know if she's arab or um from she's an emirati i think dr salman you don't know what
[38:51] does she do motivational quotes and stuff like that so what i learned from her i'm sure you know
[38:57] if you see how you most like except you don't want those kind of videos what i learned from
[39:01] her was the day she broke it down that listen seek connection not attachment yes attachment is wrong
[39:09] every human being is independent as much as we preach that the two shall become one
[39:14] and love and all you need to understand that in the end everybody will be accountable to themselves
[39:19] no judgment no don't but is that why then when it expires then we go back and decide do we want to
[39:25] renew so it was tongue-in-cheek when i said it yeah the point i was trying to drive with that
[39:32] statement is when you look at the concept of love and union it is not supposed to be a contract
[39:42] what what the church does is contractual so we should be able to live without
[39:50] marriages between two families yes so we should be able to just separate it without it being that
[39:56] structured yes because love the Bible says in love love does not recognize
[40:04] force my marriages I have prenups now is isn't that a contract what is a prenup
[40:14] in case you choose to protecting my property that's not love anymore yeah
[40:21] love is not really paperwork,
[40:23] but the church makes it paperwork.
[40:25] If we were going to church to get married
[40:27] and they just bless us
[40:28] without us having to have a marriage certificate,
[40:32] you get,
[40:35] that's why marriage can even break in the first place.
[40:39] If you ask me,
[40:42] you don't agree, eh?
[40:44] That's fine.
[40:45] You don't have to agree,
[40:46] but the bottom line is,
[40:48] when you look at marriage,
[40:49] especially for those of us who are Christians, look at it from the Bible time.
[40:53] What was marriage?
[40:54] It was between two families.
[40:55] I agree.
[40:56] Was there a feast?
[40:57] Yes, absolutely.
[40:58] And stuff like that.
[40:59] But then the church, I usually say the church hijacked marriage.
[41:04] So you have to do it in church.
[41:05] Not the government.
[41:07] There was a time the church was the government.
[41:09] I agree there was a time the church was the government.
[41:12] But the heartbreak, the pain, the separation anxiety, the detachment,
[41:16] everything that comes from the broken relationship or marriage the paper
[41:21] doesn't take that away you sign the paper you don't sign people all of those
[41:27] things you still feel so expiry is a very powerful word but I think every
[41:32] marriage should be renewed for example every five years yes within the two
[41:39] families do you still want to marry are you happy in this marriage come on table
[41:43] what has been happening because especially in Africa we are very communal you understand you
[41:48] can't just wake up and say you're getting married you have families yes where they even run
[41:53] investigation yes where you don't know did he still do that oh yeah right name what does name
[42:01] so the what what I was trying to say was a a review I agree I agree that even before family
[42:11] comes in you and your spouse review yourself first when your spouse knows they review the call one
[42:17] year from now they will adjust let's start behaving each other because can we review this thing and
[42:23] sometimes i see how marriage has become ah man it's crazy now it is crazy where it really doesn't
[42:32] matter it feels like there is no control to it even if you sign paper so that paper because the
[42:40] ceremonies have been watered down you know that bride price is just it's symbolical it's always
[42:46] been i feel like i don't know for no i feel like people people take a lot but for where i'm from
[42:51] they will give you the money back eventually immediately right there yeah i'm from they will
[42:56] take maybe 20 there yeah that's what they do so they will say like yeah but they'll give you back
[43:00] you know but you see if the community is so invested and what i'm advocating for is the
[43:05] community should say i i can't just invite a crowd everybody go chop belly food drink and you go yeah
[43:13] since the community likes that kind of thing they should do marriage review yes every five years or
[43:18] ten years hey hey are you happy are you happy with that aspect does he shout at you tell us now i
[43:29] think that's i think that's a good idea does he provide does it take his responsibility yes
[43:38] do you get yes you make it look ceremonial but we mean we need to make a movie like this no i'm
[43:45] serious make it movie maker because if you look at it in this way there is because you we followed
[43:51] you to this marriage this wedding all of us came and danced and everything let's review it together
[43:57] because take for example if you fix a wedding and sell ashebi and say you're not marrying again
[44:04] people they can't say no for what
[44:10] you must explain to us yes i think that should be i actually now i agree with you about the review
[44:16] that's what i guess yes yes it should expire i think that but i don't like the the form signing
[44:23] which one the church one that document but if you don't sign for church it will sign for
[44:28] registration i mean we will handle registry another day but i think that one is good in
[44:33] the sense that it has to protect the spouses yes you get but that's what i really don't like that
[44:40] the church does is the the nature of the vows especially the line that says for better for worse
[44:48] till death do us part that's not in the bible is it no it's not a biblical
[44:56] why you don't want to be with somebody for for better for worse i want to be with somebody
[45:00] who's normal for better for worse i won't be with a killer for better for worse means even
[45:07] if you're a killer yes what's anything i deal with you no no you didn't know about this when
[45:13] you said you're old i didn't you didn't say it i did i did but i was having i was so i was so
[45:20] i was looking at my life i got married with about eight other couples in the catholic church at the
[45:25] same time i'm not here so you're not repeating after the game and i was repeating intentionally
[45:34] in slow motion people were laughing i was like what's people's hope yeah i took those vows
[45:40] very serious of course we talk about marriage a lot these days but the more
[45:45] we talk about marriage the more it seems like people are lonelier men especially
[45:50] are getting lonelier and lonelier by the day and I don't know if it's a good thing
[45:55] or bad thing that I'm hearing them even say it's more like men maybe it has
[46:00] always been like that but social media has amplified it or maybe it's because
[46:04] of what they are seeing on social media and they are wishing you know the
[46:07] proverbial green grass it's not because women have evolved women are evolving yeah men are evolving
[46:14] women are evolving and then they are not able to accept the things anymore or they also yes women
[46:22] are really evolving here unfortunately these are things the government should have made provisions
[46:29] for what is the the protection of women you know things like oh is a woman's husband dies so she
[46:37] must cut her hair is cultural or sleeping with the dead body with the dead body or bath with the dead
[46:42] body water to say to prove that you didn't kill you know these are very dark inventions because
[46:51] an idle mind is the devil's workshop that's not it's not what kind of stupid traditions
[46:57] anyway so but they're evolving now they are having their own money they're not waiting around
[47:02] anymore that could i believe be another reason why men are lonely no maybe they're entitled because
[47:11] the man you know if a woman is making money from her passion god bless her good for her you know
[47:20] in fact i encourage you of course but if a woman like they will say the breaking
[47:27] you buy for a woman she values you more than the one she bought for herself
[47:32] yes i'm not disagreeing i don't know if it's valuing more it's all sweet it's sweeter than
[47:38] the one she bought for herself now that even applies to men the one where they dash me go
[47:43] sweet me you know i don't yeah i mean i don't know here but yeah listen call it old school
[47:50] but a man is supposed to provide for a woman does that mean if the man is down the woman
[47:57] and the woman has the means absolutely not yeah you know she should provide provision is beyond
[48:03] physical things if a man tells you i see you i hear you i feel you yeah and i'm with you and
[48:11] you know they don't talk like for real oh yeah that's it it is in his action do you understand
[48:15] yes that's that's the kind of provision a woman needs so i may buy everything for you but the
[48:22] woman also needs a man who says is this what will make you happy yes go ahead and then you're back
[48:28] yes that's it yeah you know yeah so a lot of men are not like that they don't have it or what see
[48:36] you need to understand that we grew up with a lot of deprivation not just from physical things but
[48:41] these emotional things and stuff like that this story can go on from now to tomorrow so that
[48:47] mindset is now it's hard for many men to accept that women can be career women or kept women
[48:57] you know it took me time to realize that my mom as homely as she was she was a kept woman my mom
[49:03] was about her business but she was about her she was about her business yeah all this cooking and
[49:10] then she was doing it but i realized it was because of the environment and the time if she
[49:14] had that way she would not she would not you know so maybe i'm giving women a pass because of my mom
[49:21] but i'm just saying there are people who grew up like that i remember my mom telling me that when
[49:26] she was in hg and spinning she was just lucky to have a school mother who said bring your things
[49:33] wash your things do everything yeah so she had a lot of enemies so she was like it's like her
[49:38] I just need to have this one.
[49:40] No stress.
[49:42] No stress.
[49:44] We don't have anything in common.
[49:46] We don't like problems.
[49:48] We don't like problems at all.
[49:50] Final question before we read the story.
[49:52] Have you ever, I know I've asked you this before,
[49:54] have you ever said a joke that you wish you didn't say?
[49:58] Yeah.
[50:01] Yeah.
[50:02] What joke is this?
[50:06] I remember one time on stage, me and Kathy, and I didn't know what to say next.
[50:13] Is Kathy a comedian?
[50:15] No, we were hosting the headings.
[50:16] So I was making jokes of the band because I came on the towel.
[50:19] And then it was just to mimic his appearance, to honor his appearance at one of the previous headings where he tied the towel.
[50:26] I remember the headings where he tied the towel.
[50:27] So I came on stage with the towel and Kathy was asking questions.
[50:31] We were literally just freestyling.
[50:33] And then I referred to Kanye as Dibange's former friend.
[50:39] And people laughed out of spite.
[50:44] Not because you thought it was funny.
[50:47] Yeah.
[50:48] They laughed out of...
[50:51] That friendship has really...
[50:53] It's rough for Dibange now.
[50:54] That friendship didn't...
[50:56] You get?
[50:56] So, I shouldn't have said that, number one.
[51:00] number two the way they laughed it was like it wasn't funny what i said you know so i shouldn't
[51:08] have said then the way they laughed made me feel a certain type of way was the band there he wasn't
[51:14] there but he heard it and he wasn't angry he wasn't angry no he wasn't angry at all it was not
[51:20] you know but i i didn't i don't like it doesn't matter i don't yeah it seemed like i was laughing
[51:25] at him and i don't like to laugh at people i like to laugh with people yeah yeah you know so did you
[51:31] but did you tell him how you felt or since he didn't he wasn't angry so we moved i told him oh
[51:36] i said this joke yeah but i was like yeah you know i want to let him know that no on a typical day i
[51:44] wouldn't say stuff like that you know yeah so yeah that's the only one there are others but i really
[51:53] don't remember you know but it's not it's not as because this must be memorable for you yeah
[51:57] because i don't like like i said i don't like to put i don't i don't laugh at people i try not i
[52:03] will laugh at you if you've slipped and failed and got up yeah you know but anything that seems like
[52:10] a sensitive issue yeah and anybody come to you to say bovie i don't like that even though you didn't
[52:16] mean any harm it was funny to the audience but he came back to say i don't like that joke
[52:24] I did a joke last year where I was talking about careers.
[52:33] Then I made a joke and said, unlike some people, I can't remember what I said, but I now mean reference to home economics.
[52:40] Like a person who goes to study home economics, you know, and everybody laughed.
[52:45] It was neat.
[52:48] And then I get a call the next day.
[52:50] Hello, my name is Friday Onotasa.
[52:52] Okay.
[52:53] My wife is very upset.
[52:55] The Association of Home Economics.
[52:57] In fact, I told them, don't worry, it's my brother.
[53:00] I will talk to him.
[53:02] So they were even planning to go legal on you.
[53:06] So when he said that, can't touch my wound with the hand.
[53:09] So I was like, no, no, no, no, it's fine.
[53:11] Let them go legal.
[53:12] Listen, listen, that's easy.
[53:14] He said no.
[53:15] I said, no.
[53:16] Please.
[53:16] Let them go legal.
[53:18] Like I said, it was just a joke.
[53:19] It's not like, come on, there are people who didn't even go to school a billion years and successful.
[53:25] Why would I be laughing at people who studied home economics?
[53:28] It's not just something that people, it's not a fancy course.
[53:31] I was saying it based on how they were saying you must either be a doctor or lawyer or engineer or pilot.
[53:37] If you must go outside of lawyer, doctor, engineer.
[53:41] This guy was like, listen to me.
[53:46] And I'm like, no, it's okay.
[53:48] They can go.
[53:49] don't worry don't beg them i begged them he must have said his wife is just he said don't beg them
[53:54] yeah is his wife no apart from his wife and i said the association so he ended the call like well you
[54:02] you behavior like this you will not go far in life
[54:05] so i laughed i was like yeah because he didn't go far
[54:19] in life.
[54:20] That's his problem.
[54:22] Maybe as he's not good for.
[54:23] That's it.
[54:25] Okay.
[54:25] I don't even care if it was 10, 20 years ago.
[54:27] Sometimes when you want to abuse somebody,
[54:29] think first about what you're saying.
[54:31] Say you've not good for.
[54:33] So nothing, they've not sued you?
[54:35] No, not yet.
[54:37] Oh God.
[54:38] Not yet.
[54:39] I really, really agree that maybe they have just sued you.
[54:41] Let me hear what the issue, what's the case?
[54:45] I don't think they plan to sue.
[54:46] I think he was exaggerating.
[54:48] Probably.
[54:49] To make me think, oh my God.
[54:52] No, I didn't mean it that way.
[54:56] And he would go back and say, he apologized, don't worry.
[54:58] He apologized.
[54:59] He would say, I told him he would not go far in life.
[55:03] These boys, how they hear what.
[55:08] Do you like my skin?
[55:09] Do you like my skin?
[55:11] I'm sure you do.
[55:12] My skin is powered by Dang Lifestyle.
[55:15] lifestyle a skincare brand specifically tailored for people like you go to danglash.co to get
[55:21] yours use the discount code on the screen to get 10% off okay let's read our story let's start
[55:29] what we have come here to do to the room to the room to do let's take a pledge Bobby
[55:37] I
[55:37] I
[55:38] Ife Dayo
[55:39] Mavi
[55:40] promise
[55:41] promise
[55:41] to be kind
[55:43] to be kind
[55:44] to be honest
[55:45] to be honest
[55:46] and to not ask Ife
[55:47] who wrote in the story
[55:49] no
[55:49] not this one
[55:54] oh yeah
[55:55] okay
[55:57] to not ask Ife
[55:59] who wrote the story
[56:00] especially if I don't
[56:03] feel like I know
[56:04] who wrote the story
[56:06] Some stories are too close to home.
[56:07] Yeah, you just be like, I know this person.
[56:10] Yeah, that's what people ask me.
[56:12] Derry Fair have been married for eight years and we have six kids.
[56:18] I'm a housewife and my husband doesn't earn much where he works.
[56:24] So we're just managing ourselves.
[56:26] Everything changed in June last year.
[56:28] I started noticing that my husband was acting differently.
[56:30] He was always happy and on his phone, acting like a teenager in love.
[56:35] I went through his phone and found that he has a new friend, a divorcee with a daughter.
[56:41] I confronted him and he said nothing was going on, but I knew that wasn't the truth.
[56:45] Fast forward to December and their closeness is on a different level.
[56:48] He acts like the president is calling whenever she calls, jumping to do whatever she wants.
[56:53] I don't understand how a small girl I'm older than can be controlling him like that.
[56:58] Granted, she's rich and since he knew her, our lives have changed for the better.
[57:04] She connected him to a better paying job, so now we eat three square meals.
[57:08] She also gave him money to open a shop for me and treat my father, who had post-traumatic issues last year.
[57:14] And she offered other financial assistance to the kids.
[57:17] I'm grateful for her help.
[57:19] But I don't like her closeness to my husband.
[57:21] I went through his phone again early this year, saw that he tells her everything, even when we quarrel.
[57:27] To my shock, she would tell him to apologize.
[57:30] Ife, I'm confused because I thought side chicks are supposed to hate the wife.
[57:34] Why doesn't she hate me?
[57:36] Last month, I went through his phone again
[57:38] and read where she asked him to promise he wouldn't have more kids.
[57:41] How is that a business?
[57:43] I have more kids now.
[57:45] After six children.
[57:45] It's not six children that she said she had.
[57:47] Okay.
[57:48] My husband was busy promising and apologizing to her.
[57:51] He said it was because he didn't have anyone like her to educate and guide him.
[57:56] I confronted him about ending his friendship with her.
[57:59] He said no.
[58:01] He said that she was our destiny helper
[58:03] and that people miss their destiny helpers because they do not come in the form they want.
[58:09] That night, I summoned courage and sent her a long message to stay away from my husband.
[58:14] But all she responded with was, relax, ma.
[58:18] Can you imagine?
[58:20] I complained to my friend and all she could say is,
[58:22] she wished saying that this kind of side chick her husband gets.
[58:25] Not all those you hear once, wait to follow.
[58:27] I'm tired.
[58:28] Is it possible for a side chick to be a destiny helper?
[58:32] Am I overreacting?
[58:35] In everything in life, I always ask myself,
[58:38] every complicated issue has a simple answer.
[58:41] What's the simple answer?
[58:42] The simple answer is to break things down and look at them critically.
[58:46] So when the girl was helping the family, including her sick father,
[58:52] she accepted the help.
[58:53] Yes.
[58:54] Right?
[58:56] she has gone through the messages nothing suggests that this relationship is actually sexual i was
[59:01] going to say there's nothing that says here yes that is sexual however it's hurtful that the
[59:11] closeness the husband has with this girl she is supposed to be something that is exclusive to her
[59:21] so it's pissing her off so let's break down the characters individually number one what's this
[59:28] woman's ultimate passion or dream in life is she living it or she's just going with the flow
[59:36] the one that wrote him yes yeah she has a lot of children yeah she has actually opened
[59:41] now this other woman has opened a shop for the husband for her oh for her
[59:47] mad maybe not she will be the real target so ultimately right I think the
[59:57] girl in question the outsider has a severe complex everybody get issues for
[1:00:04] this story sir yes she has a severe complex so far so you have the guts to
[1:00:09] just say relax man it's almost like I don't owe you an explanation I know what
[1:00:14] i've done for you and i don't want your man but it doesn't make it right basically i think that
[1:00:24] one has a severe complex i think the man and the woman believe in destiny help us you know because
[1:00:31] i think destiny help has come from work that you put in not that you are sitting down and waiting
[1:00:36] for somebody to...
[1:00:37] Yeah.
[1:00:38] Yes.
[1:00:38] Yeah.
[1:00:39] You know?
[1:00:39] So,
[1:00:41] that's my take on it.
[1:00:43] Basically.
[1:00:44] So,
[1:00:44] is she overreacting?
[1:00:45] Everybody's right,
[1:00:45] everybody's wrong.
[1:00:46] Is she overreacting?
[1:00:47] She's not overreacting
[1:00:49] because
[1:00:50] if the husband
[1:00:50] was carrying her along,
[1:00:52] if the husband
[1:00:52] made the outsider
[1:00:54] their friend,
[1:00:58] it's a different ballgame.
[1:00:59] So,
[1:00:59] she's not overreacting.
[1:01:01] Yeah.
[1:01:01] It's like,
[1:01:02] even if she was
[1:01:03] self-sufficient,
[1:01:05] she would react
[1:01:06] Even if she was self-sufficient, she would react the exact same.
[1:01:09] No, worse.
[1:01:10] What?
[1:01:11] She would react worse.
[1:01:12] She might react worse, actually.
[1:01:15] You would have seen it that way at first.
[1:01:18] Like, what's in the bring this leg?
[1:01:19] But if she was self-sufficient, the outsider may not have taken interest in her husband.
[1:01:25] Because I personally believe the outsider has a savior complex.
[1:01:29] And the outsider has seen them finish.
[1:01:31] This is see finish.
[1:01:33] because this guy looked at you as if the girl looked at the woman looked at you and said let me
[1:01:37] up and so you send her a message who would be like how far now i just said like i asked christmas
[1:01:44] orange i buy a bag of fries so take everything then as they leave ah how about it it's not for
[1:01:52] me they're financial right they're not not your christmas right so you get what i'm saying so
[1:01:59] i think that's what that's outside that is yeah as far as i'm not sleeping with him yeah just help
[1:02:04] you know look at me look at me you know stuff like that so i think that's the issue from there
[1:02:10] the man is waiting for a messiah found this girl who came in like a therapist is listening to
[1:02:17] everything encouraging him and keeping him in poverty in perpetuity true you understand so she
[1:02:27] just wants people who she can say i'm running this marriage yes i'm helping you help them yes
[1:02:34] and the woman being that she has not she's just had a lot of children right so when her father
[1:02:42] was sick when she had nothing to do she accepted help from the devil she did accept help from the
[1:02:48] devil and that's the beginning of the problem in my opinion why did you accept that money maybe
[1:02:54] when they come to the prostrate issue but you collect money for shop the man
[1:03:02] you want is not telling you how to live your life of course you tell your man
[1:03:06] how to live life but also from your point of severe what it call it severe
[1:03:16] complex is I can be helping people you super have children so the address may
[1:03:21] not truly be from a space of you guys stop i can't be helping you more just you know the one you have
[1:03:28] less to be managing that part yes that's why so you collected money you collected shop you
[1:03:34] now want to tell the woman how to behave well she didn't collect it directly
[1:03:40] from what i see here the man probably has guilt trip time to when your father was sick where do
[1:03:46] thing the money came from yeah she's a good girl i told her and she provided the money and all you
[1:03:52] know it's just all a game especially for the outsider yeah it's just all the game but then
[1:03:59] you see the woman the the his phone ring is the woman and it's shaking he's excited how do you
[1:04:07] think that would make a woman feel i mean she feels bad clearly even a man will feel bad like
[1:04:11] that if his wife is jumping.
[1:04:13] Their wives will jump for their pastors like that.
[1:04:16] It gets the husbands really pissed off too.
[1:04:18] Really?
[1:04:18] Oh yeah.
[1:04:20] I don't mean them jumping, but the husband
[1:04:21] is pissed off because, ah, pastor is calling me.
[1:04:25] Because, I mean,
[1:04:26] if your wife not jump when you call
[1:04:27] them, you can't say they jump when they call pastor.
[1:04:31] You feel
[1:04:32] a certain type of way.
[1:04:34] Stuff like that.
[1:04:36] So the truth is, there are so
[1:04:37] many templates in Africa that
[1:04:39] exists that should start being wiped number one many parents raise their children as investments
[1:04:51] so that when they marry especially the girl child they now expect that ah yep now come and take care
[1:04:58] of us it's very bad sure number two we don't encourage any dating i'm not talking of relationship
[1:05:10] learn how to talk to a woman a girl take her to a restaurant most of us men we
[1:05:16] know reads like we were we women were not allowed to do well but you expected
[1:05:22] to bring us back you go to school go to go to music face our studies at 22 alpha
[1:05:27] how mm-hmm so we these things need to start being encouraged you know why most
[1:05:38] Most men suffer from a heartbreak from their first true love.
[1:05:52] In Africa, in Nigeria.
[1:05:56] Most men's first true love was one brother, Marian.
[1:06:01] So this kind of man now, when he now sees somebody outside of his wife, right?
[1:06:09] That triggers, it's almost like this was what I missed that year.
[1:06:14] Most men face real love, got married to one rich brother.
[1:06:21] So most men face heartbreak, not ever heal.
[1:06:26] So this man has seen.
[1:06:28] Yes.
[1:06:29] It's where I can rest.
[1:06:29] It's reminding him of his young age.
[1:06:34] Then you see there are many men will be saying in their 40s they'll call they behave like boys in their 20s.
[1:06:40] Because they didn't live that life.
[1:06:42] Those kind of men indeed they are annoying me.
[1:06:45] Why?
[1:06:47] It's not my fault that they didn't live that life but do you know when you see them, you'll know them when you see them.
[1:06:51] Why is this one acting like this?
[1:06:53] Like a teenager.
[1:06:54] Acting like a teenager.
[1:06:55] like it's because it's a part of their life that was skipped because they made them to believe
[1:07:00] without money you can't do it because one brother came with money yeah i married a girl you
[1:07:06] understand so they now feel i have money now so they will be annoyingly toasting small girls like
[1:07:12] this the girl wouldn't say what's up okay so this guy is missing something that he found in another
[1:07:22] woman yes a part of his life so that's why he gets giddy he's talking unfiltered he's vulnerable and
[1:07:30] she's acting like no judgment zone yeah is this what you are going through and then she she stalks
[1:07:36] the fire by siding with the wife in some issues and apologize to her yeah apologize so he'll be
[1:07:43] like you'll see my guy no yes so the man has the responsibility here i believe the three of them
[1:07:53] have responsibilities for the man he he should wake up he should wake up and smell the coffee
[1:08:00] this is who you are betrothed to this is who you should be loyal to this is who should have that
[1:08:05] kind of layer of access that she never knew existed will be saying you talk freely at all
[1:08:11] for the woman this is a wake-up call to say what do you want to do with your life yes if this girl
[1:08:15] can wield this kind of power why not why not me so what business is she doing what business is
[1:08:22] passionate to you yes you're also this man like this kind of thing okay so you work on yourself
[1:08:28] i said i said let me tell you i told i told her first of all be going out where you did i define
[1:08:34] work even if you're not fine work that day just be going because first of all remember what you said
[1:08:39] space in what let them space in our togetherness come on because see finish i have to do it yes
[1:08:47] six children come on now and yeah because you see as a human being if you are not reinventing
[1:08:53] you become still you become still not only to yourself to people around you yes you know
[1:09:00] so she needs a new chapter she doesn't need a new chapter she needs a new nobody come and tell you
[1:09:05] madam relax you'll be telling me that i'm telling you oh i'm worried about the way you're talking
[1:09:10] about my saying i should relax wow it's all because yeah knowing that but that's how women
[1:09:24] you know one time we were talking about this thing that
[1:09:28] i paused to say is it is there any man where if you just stand for road
[1:09:33] woman go come stop say hello you know say hi she'll say enter and follow her at night to hotel
[1:09:41] we don't get a liver but we made a runner you understand in fact someone married like that
[1:09:48] happy new oh you don't know yeah i'm not aware many girls have married from former fan city front
[1:09:57] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[1:09:59] Okay.
[1:10:00] I rest my case on that one.
[1:10:03] So if Gels Phil runs that package, you will see a total stranger stepping in the car with him, not knowing if they are going to come out alive.
[1:10:09] Yes.
[1:10:10] Is it to not help somebody's business that she will be afraid of?
[1:10:13] That she will not do.
[1:10:14] Or not be like...
[1:10:15] Or she will be afraid of the wife to say, no vex.
[1:10:17] Yeah.
[1:10:18] Yes.
[1:10:19] It's a lot of audacity.
[1:10:20] It doesn't make it right.
[1:10:21] Yeah.
[1:10:22] But, you know, some demons are in human form.
[1:10:24] Yes, definitely.
[1:10:25] Definitely.
[1:10:26] So we're talking to her, the lady now.
[1:10:29] The lady that wrote it.
[1:10:30] Yes.
[1:10:31] Yeah.
[1:10:31] What are you saying?
[1:10:32] This is the best opportunity to reinvent yourself.
[1:10:37] You know, look at yourself.
[1:10:39] Use it as a tonic to ask yourself, how can you make yourself better?
[1:10:46] Because ultimately in life, what you give is more important than what you get.
[1:10:52] And more often than not, what you give determines what you get.
[1:10:55] yes so if your husband has the boldness to do that kind of thing is because you're not really giving
[1:11:00] much for now you now need to learn what can i give to myself because if you don't have to give
[1:11:09] you will not give there's nothing you can't get yeah she should not fight because even if she
[1:11:14] fights now this is a long fight so she should not fight the enemy now she should fight her patterns
[1:11:24] and reinvent herself.
[1:11:26] Yeah.
[1:11:27] Very important.
[1:11:27] I think that is
[1:11:28] the key.
[1:11:29] You can't control
[1:11:31] what's outside of you.
[1:11:33] No.
[1:11:34] It's how you react
[1:11:35] and what's inside
[1:11:36] They're going to meet
[1:11:37] without you.
[1:11:38] If they're going to meet outside,
[1:11:39] they will talk.
[1:11:40] You can receive that call
[1:11:41] for hours outside
[1:11:42] and come home
[1:11:43] and delete all the chats.
[1:11:45] What are you going to do
[1:11:45] about that?
[1:11:46] Exactly.
[1:11:47] But it's still,
[1:11:47] it's still, yeah.
[1:11:49] Thank you.
[1:11:50] I like the advice
[1:11:51] very much so.
[1:11:52] Thank you so much everybody for watching.
[1:11:54] I would have said something but I already said and Bovia said and I like that we are in alignment as to what we believe that she should do.
[1:12:03] So, thank community members.
[1:12:07] Ah, wait first.
[1:12:09] Before I forget, I have a gift.
[1:12:11] Okay.
[1:12:12] Yes.
[1:12:13] You don't go pass eh...
[1:12:16] If you mention it, you will not collect.
[1:12:17] You will not collect.
[1:12:18] Mention it.
[1:12:18] You don't go pass.
[1:12:19] go past you see what's the mention of it okay you don't want to give it you don't want to give it i
[1:12:25] see why are you why are you just for my surprise there you go thank you people are dank said i
[1:12:32] should give you this i don't understand like this is not from you it's from dank now it's
[1:12:39] the whole thing community yes thank you community yeah i really appreciate it dank community i
[1:12:46] I appreciate the ribbon.
[1:12:47] I appreciate the big box.
[1:12:49] I appreciate the perfume
[1:12:50] and the raffia.
[1:12:56] I accept the shade.
[1:12:57] It's not shade though.
[1:12:58] Next time,
[1:12:59] I'll bring this
[1:13:00] in a political bag for you.
[1:13:01] A political bag
[1:13:04] that I used to give you.
[1:13:05] I really appreciate this though.
[1:13:07] You know,
[1:13:08] it's a special,
[1:13:09] I love gifts
[1:13:10] and I hardly get them.
[1:13:12] I'm glad you love it.
[1:13:13] I love this one, yeah.
[1:13:14] Thank you everybody
[1:13:15] for watching.
[1:13:15] and I hope you enjoyed this episode.
[1:13:17] If you did, drop a comment
[1:13:19] and thank community members.
[1:13:21] Over to you.
[1:13:25] Do you remember the password?
[1:13:27] I'm going to get it.
[1:13:30] Unlock and permanent.
[1:13:31] I swear.
[1:13:35] She got the yellow.
[1:13:36] We still want that.
[1:13:40] We still want that.
[1:13:42] Yay!
[1:13:44] Thank you so much.
[1:13:45] you actually made it to the end of this video, don't forget to subscribe, like, comment,
[1:13:51] and share this amazing episode.

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