# Tomike on marriage, betrayal & hard goodbyes | Dear Ife Series Podcast

An episode of [Diary of A Naija Girl](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1888131074), 6 Jun 2025, 56 min.

Audio: https://episode.flightcast.com/r5c3lfq8yvyym1rhx8tet8hm.mp3

Tomike joins Ife on this powerful episode of Dear Ife Series Podcast opening up like never before. She shares how she’s navigating marriage, building her career, dealing with the painful loss of her mum — and confronting the realities of infidelity in marriage, often triggered by broken promises and personal choices. Why do people really cheat? Share your thoughts in the comments. Let’s talk about it. Chapters 00:00 Coming Up 00:49 Dear Ife's Intro 01:15 Tomike's Intro 02:10 How Tomike deals with life, her mum's loss and marriage 32:50 The Pledge 34:08 The Story // Tomike & Ife's Opinions On The Story 54:02 Conclusion & Gift Presentation Want more visual podcasts from DANG? SUBSCRIBE: https://www.youtube.com/@diaryofanaijagirl #DANG #DiaryofaNaijaGirl #DANGWithIfe About Diary of a Naija Girl Diary of a Naija Girl (DANG) is an online community, founded and managed by Ifedayo Agoro, to inspire women across the world through creative storytelling. Back in 2015, it started as an online diary, sharing the everyday adventures of an anonymous Nigerian woman. Fast forward nine years, and it has become a tribe of incredible women, living their best lives one story at a time. DANG is a safe space for women to be unapologetically themselves, a family that laughs, learns and lifts each other, from Lagos to every corner of the world. About Ifedayo Agoro An entrepreneur, creative writer, content creator, content marketer and media strategist, Ifedayo Agoro is the founder of Diary of a Naija Girl (DANG) and DANG Lifestyle, a premium home and body care production company, which she launched in Nigeria in 2020. Ifedayo is passionate about social responsibility and philanthropy. She sponsors several young residents at Little Saints Orphanage and partners with Lots Charity Foundation, a non-governmental aid organisation. Connect with DANG Online: Like DANG on FACEBOOK: https://bit.ly/3xLjCkU Follow DANG on TWITTER: https://bit.ly/4aBgy9I Follow DANG on INSTAGRAM: https://bit.ly/4ay4Axu Follow DANG on LINKEDIN: https://bit.ly/3JhGpHM

## Transcript

[0:01] Tell me, what was your idea of marriage before you got married and now at 29?
[0:30] I feel like you should not be cutting your single friends off.
[0:33] That's the thing that annoys me so much.
[0:35] Because you are, are you the first to marry?
[0:36] I'm not saying, I'm so sorry, I cannot move it.
[0:39] Eh?
[0:39] Cannot move it.
[0:39] You will be enough.
[0:40] Wait, I'm sorry.
[0:41] You will be enough.
[0:42] Should we be looking at people's mothers before marrying them?
[0:45] I could go looking, but we are still marrying.
[0:57] Hi, everybody.
[0:58] Welcome to another exciting episode of the Dear Eiffel Series, where we have raw conversations,
[1:04] we have honest guests come sit with us and help us to dissect the issues that we bring here,
[1:09] just so we all know that we're not alone in this struggle called life.
[1:15] Today, I have with me a burst of sunshine.
[1:20] You are my sunshine, my Lisa.
[1:27] always smiling positive vibes really queen of influence the ceo cooc of malia world
[1:40] and everything positive vibes welcome the olorya be herself to me care sitting down right here with
[1:49] me i want to applaud exactly thank you thank you for coming here i'm so happy to have you
[1:56] do you know how much you make me smile oh no i'm serious like when you smile i just smile
[2:00] i'm very happy to see you and to see everything that god has you know been doing in your life
[2:06] and you'll continue to raise you higher and higher in jesus tell me how are you i'm fine you know i
[2:13] I mean, we're in Nigeria.
[2:15] We're going through a lot.
[2:16] But I think I'm actually fine.
[2:17] Because one thing I've realized in this life is,
[2:20] I don't think there's ever a time or a season
[2:21] that you're not going through something.
[2:23] But at the end of the day, when you look back in five years,
[2:26] what you probably went through five years ago will be nothing.
[2:29] So in that moment, I just always have that hope that in five years' time,
[2:32] when I look at this problem, when I look at this issue,
[2:34] it wouldn't even mean anything in that phase I'll be in.
[2:36] So you wouldn't let it weigh you down
[2:39] because you're already going through a lot.
[2:40] The only thing you can do for yourself in that moment
[2:42] is to choose joy.
[2:43] So that's one thing I always do.
[2:45] Regardless, I have to stay joyful
[2:47] because that's one thing I can do for myself.
[2:49] So I'm fine.
[2:51] But in five years' time,
[2:54] you'll soon forget that your mom is gone.
[2:56] I know, but you know what they say about the pain
[3:00] is that it never goes away,
[3:01] but it gets better with time.
[3:04] Like at times, the way you want...
[3:06] I lost my godmother, was it 2021 or 2020?
[3:09] And I remember how I was going crazy that period.
[3:12] But like now when I think about her, at times I'm just like, I wish she was here.
[3:16] But I don't feel like I want to break down and start ruling on the floor.
[3:20] And so, yeah, it actually gets better with time.
[3:23] Like even now, like at times I think about my mom.
[3:27] And this week, I don't think I've even cried thinking about my mom.
[3:30] That's the crazy thing.
[3:31] And I know it's getting better.
[3:32] Like compared to like the moment when she was in the hospital for like a week or two weeks.
[3:37] And how like every time I walk into that room, I'll first run back outside to go and cry.
[3:40] Like now I don't really, I can much better, to be honest.
[3:44] It gets better with time.
[3:46] What was your utmost wish when she was sick?
[3:50] I just wish I told the world with her.
[3:52] Yeah.
[3:52] Yeah.
[3:53] Like I never got to experience that with her.
[3:55] I think that's one of the major things that was really hurting me.
[3:58] Like as much as I did a lot of things for her, like I don't think you can, someone will
[4:03] ever pass and you'll be like, yes, I did enough.
[4:05] Like everybody was like, oh, you took care of her.
[4:08] You did a lot.
[4:08] You bought her a car.
[4:09] You did this boy in my head.
[4:10] oh god you people know you never reach like for me i wish i told the world with her because i
[4:17] remember that um i'll try to work on our visas and some things at a particular point in time
[4:23] and like i just never got to express you know how some people will travel with their moms and
[4:27] i never got to experience that let me take my moment to go and jaye
[4:31] i swear yeah so i never got that experience the thing was my mom traveled a lot when she was much
[4:38] younger like she was she was very wealthy at a very young age so like she named the country she
[4:44] has been there done that so she was never really keen on traveling and all of that so you wanted
[4:49] yeah but you know life happened i had kids like priorities changed and everything so but i wish
[4:55] i just kind of like made it priority at all but even if it's two countries even if it's three
[4:59] countries let me just experience that let me take you on a trip business class like let me just
[5:03] spoil you i never got to do that and i never got to throw a birthday party i saw a okay it's funny
[5:09] thing someone close to me her mom passed and she was quite young 53 and at the barrel ceremony it
[5:14] was actually a week after my mom's funeral and i was watching a video of the woman dancing at her
[5:18] birthday party i was like i just gave you a little kiss you didn't read the birthday party like that's
[5:25] one thing that i actually never got to my mom never got to experience like she never she was a very
[5:32] out there but private person i feel like i'm also i'm also like that to some extent like as much as
[5:37] she was for everybody i see that she was very private like things but my mom's siblings did
[5:41] not know she was ill like it was that bad like she told you not to tell them yes and then i remember
[5:46] when i said that so mommy when you're not going i go and tell everybody that you passed like what
[5:49] would like to say okay you killed her you killed her she said that's your business by that time
[5:55] i'm gone nobody can fight me nobody can nobody can be mad at me i don't know that so like she was
[6:00] she was kind of like very private like even when she was going through things she never wanted
[6:04] anybody to worry about her like she was just that strong strong woman so she never even at
[6:11] birthdays she always liked it to be very private like we'll just cut a cake in the house she'll
[6:15] take her pictures but you know that kind of party we are gathered here today because of
[6:21] so i feel like that was one of the things that was hurting me during the burial ceremony like
[6:26] Like, everybody gathering here today for this person,
[6:29] and it's of this magnitude, like, it's this big,
[6:31] and she's actually not here to witness it,
[6:34] and she has never, 22 things that will say pain to me.
[6:37] Did you know that she was going to...
[6:39] I did, but you know, the crazy thing with knowing,
[6:41] and I feel like a lot has changed about my mindset.
[6:44] You know, most of the time, people tell me,
[6:46] oh, I lost someone, and I say, oh, was the person sick?
[6:48] And the person says, yes.
[6:49] In my mind, I always feel consoled.
[6:50] Okay, thank God you didn't shock them like that.
[6:53] but even when you know that somebody is dying,
[6:57] I feel like nothing still prepares you for how final death is at the end of the day.
[7:02] Like, I knew that she was going to pass,
[7:05] but the way God has given her so much grace that, in short,
[7:12] this thing is not a thing of five, ten years.
[7:14] And the funny thing was, even I myself did not.
[7:16] Like, she didn't tell me.
[7:17] Yes.
[7:19] So this is somebody that has been going through it for how many years,
[7:22] which is way longer
[7:23] than the period
[7:23] that any normal person
[7:25] would go and ask for it.
[7:26] I'm not telling you.
[7:28] Funny thing,
[7:28] maybe because we're on camera,
[7:30] but I'm telling you
[7:30] on camera,
[7:31] but like,
[7:32] she never really liked
[7:32] to like say,
[7:34] I'm going through this.
[7:35] Like,
[7:35] even when she told me,
[7:36] she didn't like tell,
[7:37] so maybe that's why
[7:38] it's hard for me to say,
[7:39] like,
[7:39] because she was just like,
[7:41] eh,
[7:42] we're just praying,
[7:42] we're just,
[7:43] what are you going through?
[7:44] This woman.
[7:46] So how long did she go through
[7:47] before telling you?
[7:49] It was over 20 years.
[7:52] and I'm 29.
[7:53] Yes.
[7:54] Wow.
[7:54] Is that crazy?
[7:55] And I only just found out last year.
[7:58] I hear.
[7:59] So even when I was like,
[8:03] at that funeral,
[8:04] I remember,
[8:04] I found myself just looking back
[8:05] and saying,
[8:06] God, thank God,
[8:07] did you not take my mother
[8:08] 10 years ago?
[8:09] Like, I was near to that funeral
[8:10] and I was just being like,
[8:11] hey, God,
[8:11] don't let anything trigger me
[8:13] at this funeral.
[8:14] Like, because it's just a week.
[8:15] I was just remembering
[8:16] my own most funeral
[8:17] so I start feeling bad.
[8:18] But I left there
[8:19] with so much gratitude
[8:21] because the way God,
[8:23] I think the way God
[8:23] just made me see things,
[8:26] it was from a place
[8:27] of gratitude.
[8:27] I was like,
[8:28] ah, if my mom passed
[8:29] 10 years ago,
[8:30] where would I be?
[8:32] Like, my life
[8:32] had never stabilized
[8:33] 10 years ago.
[8:34] It should be now.
[8:34] I have kids.
[8:36] I'm more balanced.
[8:37] Like, yeah.
[8:38] Like, I'm getting
[8:39] the grip of my life
[8:40] and all of that.
[8:41] Like, 10 years ago,
[8:41] if I had not gotten married
[8:42] and she passed,
[8:43] how young I was.
[8:44] Like, my entire life
[8:46] would have been
[8:46] so destabilized.
[8:47] So a part of me was like,
[8:48] oh, thank you, God,
[8:49] for preserving her life.
[8:51] Yeah,
[8:52] gifting.
[8:53] And that's not a cliche.
[8:54] Nobody always say that.
[8:54] Yeah,
[8:55] but at some point
[8:56] you just realize
[8:57] it's actually true.
[8:59] You just hear some other things
[9:00] and you just be like,
[9:01] and funny thing was
[9:02] someone also passed
[9:03] that week
[9:04] and the weird thing was
[9:05] I think the week before
[9:05] my mom's funeral
[9:06] was big biology.
[9:09] I just took her phone
[9:09] because I was like,
[9:10] this one that
[9:11] half of my mom's people got,
[9:12] I don't know them.
[9:13] Let's not be that.
[9:13] They'll say,
[9:14] it's all my people
[9:14] that I packed for
[9:15] the funeral service
[9:16] and let me try and see
[9:17] the people on her contact list
[9:18] that hasn't been invited.
[9:19] So I saw a big apology
[9:20] in her contact.
[9:21] And I just messaged him,
[9:22] oh, I don't know if you know
[9:23] that she passed.
[9:24] So this is her daughter.
[9:25] I just wanted to invite you
[9:25] for the funeral.
[9:26] Because I saw, like,
[9:27] their chat through,
[9:27] and I knew that they had
[9:28] a relationship.
[9:29] And it was just like,
[9:30] oh, send your account numbers.
[9:31] But I didn't send
[9:33] because I don't really like
[9:34] bothering people like that.
[9:35] And so now I hear that
[9:36] a few days after the funeral,
[9:38] he passed.
[9:38] I was like, what?
[9:39] I chatted with this person
[9:40] on Momsy's phone.
[9:41] So you just hear something.
[9:43] I was like, ah, God,
[9:44] thank you.
[9:45] I mean, like,
[9:46] and as much as I knew
[9:47] she was passing,
[9:48] like she was dying,
[9:50] a part of me
[9:51] still had faith.
[9:52] And that's the crazy thing.
[9:53] I say, Kristen,
[9:53] like they tell you,
[9:54] faith is substance of things,
[9:55] hope for evidence
[9:55] of things not seen.
[9:57] So even when I didn't
[9:57] have evidence
[9:58] that she was going to
[9:58] get better,
[10:00] a part of me would be like,
[10:01] ah, for her to,
[10:02] you know,
[10:02] even live longer
[10:03] than her doctors
[10:03] thought that she would live,
[10:05] ah, that means that
[10:06] God will still do it,
[10:08] you know.
[10:09] It's a long time.
[10:10] Just different parts.
[10:11] When you are weak again,
[10:12] it's like, no,
[10:13] God says,
[10:13] God, I have faith,
[10:15] I'm a child of God.
[10:16] Was she having faith?
[10:18] She was having faith, but then at some point,
[10:20] she was just like, the pain is too much.
[10:21] She was tired.
[10:22] I remember at some point, she was talking about,
[10:23] people should change the prayer point.
[10:25] God should just let me go.
[10:26] But I feel like even hearing all of that,
[10:28] it's just now that I'm looking back and I'm like,
[10:30] oh, this mom was really going.
[10:33] Because at that instant, it didn't feel,
[10:37] you are hearing, but you are not,
[10:38] it's just like, you are just talking, you know what?
[10:40] Tell me about it.
[10:42] I was sleeping in the hospital with my mom
[10:44] because she had cancer,
[10:45] and she would say,
[10:48] Otisu,
[10:49] like,
[10:49] I'm actually tired.
[10:50] You know when
[10:52] doctors will promise you,
[10:54] and say,
[10:54] but then,
[10:55] you are feeling it.
[10:57] And then,
[10:58] she knows she's going,
[10:59] and then she'll say,
[10:59] Otisumi,
[11:00] Otisumi.
[11:01] I was still not praying
[11:02] that God let her go.
[11:04] No,
[11:04] no,
[11:04] no,
[11:04] it was,
[11:05] keep her.
[11:06] You are a miracle working God.
[11:08] You know those prayers.
[11:08] I'm telling you.
[11:11] And it's just crazy.
[11:12] And then,
[11:13] it's just a little bit selfish of us as kids seeing our loved ones going and not allowing
[11:20] them there because the pain is what we experience it emotionally they're experiencing emotionally
[11:25] physically spiritually and we just have to say god if if this is your will for her to pass at
[11:30] this time let them go because they're gifts yeah and they came as a gift to us and when it's time
[11:37] for that gift so hard it's like god what if it's not time what if it's the enemy what if it's like
[11:42] It's just so hard to accept that it's actually time for them to go.
[11:46] And also because I remember when she was in the hospital,
[11:48] she was unconscious for a bit.
[11:50] And the doctor was like, oh, that's typically,
[11:52] the first potato should be gone.
[11:54] And she used to warn us.
[11:56] She even warned the nurse in the hospital.
[11:58] They will not give me oxygen.
[12:00] They will not give me, like, just let me go.
[12:04] So even for me, it was hard to say, okay,
[12:05] should we put down oxygen or not?
[12:07] But the doctor was like, oh, the ideal thing would be to do that.
[12:09] I was like, well, she already said so.
[12:11] serve no oxygen yeah people should let me go yeah so even when we now put down oxygen like um she
[12:18] regained consciousness and they're like oh like for 24 to 48 hours this woman spent one week in
[12:23] that hospital so the part of me is like ah god is this a mind-blowing when she regained consciousness
[12:27] did she complain she said why she didn't she didn't say anything actually and that was part
[12:32] of what made me feel like i thank god maybe she wasn't i thought that when she wakes up
[12:37] supposed to be like
[12:37] she actually didn't
[12:41] and she was just
[12:41] saying she was thirsty
[12:42] she wanted water
[12:44] and I was just like
[12:45] okay God
[12:46] are you about to
[12:46] do a miracle
[12:47] or is this going to
[12:48] so like
[12:48] he talked to her
[12:49] 48 hours
[12:50] I said two hours after
[12:51] the person is still
[12:52] alive and
[12:53] like
[12:54] getting
[12:54] next meeting
[12:55] sometimes you think
[12:56] she's getting better
[12:57] and then
[12:57] next meeting
[12:59] she cannot talk
[13:02] next thing
[13:02] she say
[13:03] message
[13:03] she didn't even
[13:05] really talk
[13:05] but she was like
[13:05] go have a message
[13:06] so my husband
[13:06] and to say I love you.
[13:08] Like,
[13:08] I know that God
[13:10] should have me.
[13:10] So I'm like,
[13:10] somebody had to say,
[13:11] we'll go.
[13:11] Maybe she spoke.
[13:12] Okay.
[13:13] God can speak to me.
[13:16] I used to imagine
[13:17] the way I would do
[13:18] testimony in church.
[13:19] Yes.
[13:19] Did you have that thought?
[13:20] I said I had videos
[13:21] from when I was dancing.
[13:23] I said,
[13:23] I was like,
[13:24] wait,
[13:25] this gets well.
[13:26] I'll have to take pictures.
[13:27] I'll be writing down.
[13:28] Honestly speaking.
[13:29] She gets better.
[13:29] The way I would say,
[13:30] this is the way I would.
[13:31] I know.
[13:32] This is how the doctor
[13:33] said that.
[13:34] So I don't think
[13:35] anything ever prepares
[13:36] anyone like or get anybody ready to lose a loved one like no matter how how the doctors will say
[13:43] because also being a believer it makes it so hard because you're just like ah if god could call
[13:47] lazarus forth from the grave what is this testimony what what is this that god cannot do and it's just
[13:54] crazy because it shakes your faith and it just makes you feel like ah i remember my mom passed
[13:58] away they were watching hallelujah challenge i could not complete that uh month's hallelujah
[14:04] challenge because it just they give me pts and say who have your journal they are wrapping up my own
[14:08] mother like now you there when she passed yes i was now sitting for a whole week and that's the
[14:14] crazy thing that's why we just pray that god should give us sound deals you see the life
[14:18] that you think that you are very busy god forbid anything and nothing will happen i started for a
[14:22] week nobody died yes nobody nobody that's gonna be all right everything will move forward so you
[14:26] need that people that we love we should create time for them yes nothing will happen yes nothing
[14:31] think well everybody will be all right that's the crazy thing like i was there for a week like and i
[14:34] even had an event that weekend and i was just telling my brother ha god i think i was canceled
[14:38] this event but just like ah he doesn't think so because i'm gonna be very angry if she is that
[14:42] she canceled events because my mom never really made us aware of what she was going through
[14:47] because she used to say she didn't want any child to use as excuse to not be successful in life
[14:53] you go do your thing i'm okay yeah she wasn't any chance to say ah because my mother was
[14:57] people.
[14:58] I was taking care of my mother.
[15:00] We didn't even find out
[15:01] to really...
[15:02] Even my brother that was
[15:03] out of the country, he would call her.
[15:05] She would put
[15:05] the camera close to her like this.
[15:07] You guys, my granddaughter should be playing with the kids.
[15:09] When I was in my room, mommy is not alright.
[15:11] I said, but I spoke to her.
[15:13] I said, you spoke to me that I'm here.
[15:15] I'm telling you that she's not okay.
[15:17] He found it so hard to believe.
[15:18] That's the crazy thing
[15:19] with our mothers.
[15:20] I think they're a generation.
[15:21] I don't even know the kind of stress.
[15:23] They want to pull strength.
[15:25] We don't have that.
[15:26] I don't have the strength.
[15:27] I don't have that strength.
[15:28] I will.
[15:28] I will show.
[15:30] I'm sick.
[15:30] I will show you.
[15:30] I don't have that strength.
[15:31] Because again, for them, it's a way of showing that you are a woman.
[15:36] Women should be strong.
[15:37] I mean, with birth, we do all of those things.
[15:40] We go through situations with your fathers.
[15:43] But in all of this, I'm holding the fort for you.
[15:45] I'm holding the fort.
[15:46] Praying for you.
[15:47] And all of those things.
[15:48] And it's so key.
[15:49] I just wish that they were not.
[15:51] Yeah, I wish so too.
[15:52] Because, I mean, I wish she even let a lot of people in to be there for her.
[15:56] Because my mom is the one that is there.
[15:58] Like, she's there for the entire world.
[15:59] Like, even at her way keep, I felt like I was discovering my mother afresh.
[16:04] Like, hearing what people were saying.
[16:05] I'm like, ah, this way, juicy time.
[16:07] Brother-in-law, I remember I was saying that, oh, that he wasn't even around on the way keep to speak.
[16:10] I wish he spoke that.
[16:13] Everything that they use for the wedding, like, even down to his own things.
[16:16] Even his family was like, ah, who is this your sister-in-law?
[16:18] She's the one that actually paid for everything.
[16:21] It was like, even last month, December, she sends me pizza.
[16:24] and I'm like,
[16:25] my mom sent you pizza?
[16:27] Who ordered it for her?
[16:28] Where did she like?
[16:30] It's just so weird.
[16:31] Like my mom sent you,
[16:32] my mom was literally sick.
[16:33] Like she sent you pizza.
[16:35] Like,
[16:35] I'm like,
[16:35] how were you able to be there
[16:36] for so many people?
[16:37] But like,
[16:38] she was kind of a person
[16:38] that didn't want
[16:40] any pity from anybody.
[16:41] She didn't want to stress
[16:42] anybody with her life.
[16:43] Like,
[16:43] I don't know.
[16:44] What did her life teach you?
[16:46] It taught me that this life,
[16:47] at the end of the day,
[16:48] we are all going,
[16:49] one day,
[16:50] one day.
[16:50] And that's,
[16:51] what will people actually say
[16:53] about you when you are gone?
[16:54] when you are gone,
[16:55] like,
[16:55] what do they actually
[16:56] have to say?
[16:57] And it also made me realize
[16:58] that everything that you own,
[17:00] I know people say,
[17:01] it's this life,
[17:01] when you go,
[17:01] you will not take something,
[17:02] but it doesn't,
[17:03] like,
[17:04] you will really not take it.
[17:06] Like,
[17:06] I went into her apartment
[17:07] and I was like,
[17:08] this place normally,
[17:09] like,
[17:09] there's some places
[17:10] you can never just
[17:10] step into anywhere
[17:11] or just pour the things
[17:12] on your bed anywhere
[17:13] or just,
[17:14] they don't burn you
[17:14] or make you trample,
[17:15] she was like,
[17:16] and then she has gone
[17:17] and nobody to ever say,
[17:18] oh shit,
[17:18] that can be,
[17:19] but like,
[17:20] everything,
[17:20] like,
[17:21] anything that I want to do,
[17:22] now,
[17:22] will now do like it's just crazy like how do you work so hard and at the end of the day it just
[17:27] made me realize i actually don't want to get carried away by the things of this world like
[17:31] i think people need to attend funerals often to just get the resets like you just sit down you
[17:37] just be like you just think about your life afresh you know all the things you are even
[17:42] wanting to kill yourself for the clothes the shoes the cars like god forbid till someone goes
[17:49] all those things are still there while you are yeah so we we what i think from what you're saying
[17:55] what we need to prioritize is our human relationship yes i think so because yeah
[18:00] no those things don't matter it doesn't matter like if a person dies like even
[18:04] corralling with people like me now i have enough of the experience go fucking like
[18:08] people offend me like i'm not happy with you but it's in my chest that you're a bad person like i
[18:13] I cannot sit down in the same room with you and look at you.
[18:15] I will just be behind you and tell you if it's a bad person.
[18:20] So I think it just makes me see differently.
[18:22] Because God forbid you hear the person is gone.
[18:24] You cannot even make amends.
[18:25] You cannot even talk to the person again.
[18:28] It's not that deep.
[18:30] Life is really not that deep.
[18:32] How did you tell your baby?
[18:35] Grandma, if you ask them now.
[18:37] Grandma is up in the sky.
[18:39] Grandma is up in the sky.
[18:40] I think that's what they told me.
[18:42] No, so also because I didn't go back home
[18:44] Like after my mom passed
[18:45] Like she was in my house for
[18:47] For months
[18:48] Like almost a year
[18:49] So like
[18:50] I feel like that helps
[18:51] To just always remind me of her
[18:52] So I never went back home
[18:54] Since she passed
[18:55] Really?
[18:56] Yes, so I never
[18:56] So you got another apartment
[18:58] Yes, I'm actually staying with my
[19:00] Godmother
[19:01] So
[19:03] I've been staying there for a bit
[19:04] And we want to move
[19:05] What we did in the house
[19:06] We don't even know
[19:07] I don't want to go back to the house
[19:09] I feel like if we had gone back
[19:11] they would have been asking
[19:13] after every time they pass by our room.
[19:14] But also because we are out, I feel like for them too,
[19:16] they feel like, oh, we are in another house.
[19:18] Permanent holiday.
[19:20] Because children was going to spend time in Bikini Coast.
[19:23] So I feel like they don't,
[19:24] and they are pretty young.
[19:26] I just keep telling them, grandma is up in the sky.
[19:28] And then I show them her pictures now and then.
[19:30] Because you know, just children,
[19:31] small thing, they don't forget grandma.
[19:34] And I don't want them to.
[19:35] So I keep showing them videos and pictures.
[19:37] I say, where is grandma?
[19:39] Grandma is up in the sky.
[19:40] Oh, my God.
[19:42] And that's what I say, like, to women, you know, in the community,
[19:46] that you cannot come and go and die.
[19:48] Yes.
[19:48] Because your children will forget you.
[19:50] Yes.
[19:50] So I'm living in this violent home, in this abusive home for my children.
[19:57] But if you go, those children will call another person mommy.
[20:01] Yes.
[20:02] And that's what it is.
[20:04] They don't remember.
[20:05] They don't remember.
[20:07] I'm very happy that you're taking this stance.
[20:09] I wish that
[20:10] I know
[20:11] I think we all
[20:11] heal differently
[20:12] because for me
[20:13] I just feel like
[20:14] the grief process
[20:15] had to be
[20:17] experienced
[20:18] like you know
[20:18] cry and all of that
[20:19] and ask God questions
[20:21] at some point
[20:22] I think for me
[20:23] why
[20:24] I don't know
[20:25] I just know that it's God
[20:26] because even me
[20:27] I don't know
[20:27] how I'm more right
[20:28] like
[20:29] I remember that
[20:30] in the hospital
[20:31] sugar mama
[20:32] TMC
[20:33] she was saying
[20:34] is this girl okay
[20:35] like she was asking
[20:36] my best friend
[20:37] like
[20:38] is this girl
[20:39] like this and I was like she's okay
[20:41] Jordan she knows that I'm actually because she was just
[20:43] worried that how can I actually be
[20:45] sane and for me I
[20:47] know that I can only be God that I'm actually because I'm
[20:49] a very emotional person but it doesn't mean
[20:51] that I don't cry and that's why when people say oh
[20:53] make sure you grieve don't skip the grief
[20:55] I'm like do you even know what I'm going
[20:57] through like I grieve but I feel like
[20:59] I'm also not grieving like
[21:00] in the tears or in the showing people
[21:04] yeah
[21:04] yeah
[21:05] I will come on Instagram
[21:07] and start
[21:08] I can never do that
[21:10] because you know
[21:11] my mother was
[21:12] they don't want me
[21:12] to do that
[21:13] to go and
[21:13] embarrass
[21:14] yourself
[21:15] what are you doing
[21:17] embarrassing me
[21:18] but for you to say
[21:19] you can't even go back home
[21:20] yeah
[21:20] it's part of grief
[21:21] like it's just
[21:22] it's just
[21:23] just another
[21:24] another way to
[21:25] and that's what
[21:25] you do when
[21:25] because me
[21:26] all I wanted to do
[21:26] was sleep on my mom's bed
[21:27] really
[21:28] every time
[21:29] the way I did
[21:29] around the house
[21:30] that's all I wanted to do
[21:31] just sleep
[21:32] read her journal
[21:33] because my mom used to write
[21:34] my mom used to write
[21:34] If you see Ghanam was our books.
[21:37] So all I wanted to do was read.
[21:39] And then it's good to read the journals.
[21:41] Yes, you see different things.
[21:42] This happened.
[21:43] Yes.
[21:44] She taught this.
[21:45] Did this.
[21:45] And all her prophecies were in the book.
[21:47] Yeah.
[21:48] So imagine reading the prophecies and you're like,
[21:51] am I really going to actually be this person that she sees?
[21:53] You know how mothers will see you be that?
[21:56] Yes.
[21:56] Than what you are.
[21:57] And you don't see that about yourself.
[21:59] And so I would read that and I would be like,
[22:00] maybe I would be like this.
[22:02] my mom
[22:03] Nabuka already said
[22:04] you're going to be on CNN
[22:05] the day I got featured
[22:06] on CNN
[22:07] I was crying
[22:07] and I just put it out like
[22:09] she actually said it
[22:10] so I feel
[22:11] for me all I wanted to do
[22:12] was sleep on a bed though
[22:13] I did not get up
[22:14] I would go and shower
[22:15] come back
[22:15] you know
[22:16] but after a while
[22:17] it just started like
[22:18] living life
[22:19] I think another thing
[22:20] that held me was
[22:20] even when she was
[22:21] going through everything
[22:22] she was going through
[22:23] like I never heard my mom
[22:24] for once say
[22:25] God why me
[22:26] God this is not fair
[22:27] God this is not
[22:29] I have served you too much
[22:30] so like
[22:31] she was a Christian to the end gosh so a part of me is like if the person that was in so much pain
[22:37] never opened her mouth to question God so who am I to know I feel like she'll be so angry she
[22:43] and I say God you did not save my mother God you should have like
[22:46] so I feel like that was one of the things that also held me strong like
[22:53] she knew that it was very painful for her and my mom served like my mom served God like I was
[22:58] my life was church home school like it was a triangle like i was born in church i was not just
[23:04] like my mom's have got everything like she built churches one test when one man said that it was
[23:10] a land that he bought she gave him money to buy for himself she bought later she not called him
[23:15] that i own they should give it to redeem the land they can go back this woman like what what did it
[23:22] like she served god wholeheartedly so if such a person could be could not be like ah god even
[23:27] after everything
[23:28] I've done for you
[23:29] why did you decide
[23:30] like she never
[23:31] for once
[23:32] it was like
[23:32] God knows why
[23:34] he decided to
[23:35] even was it
[23:36] John
[23:36] I'll be Paul
[23:37] I'll be which one
[23:38] he never really said
[23:39] that there was
[23:39] there was something
[23:40] I don't remember
[23:40] which of them
[23:41] said in the Bible
[23:42] that there was
[23:42] something wrong
[23:43] with him too
[23:44] that he was like
[23:44] oh this illness
[23:46] or something
[23:46] if God would not
[23:47] take it away
[23:47] that but he would
[23:48] still serve God
[23:49] that so she too
[23:50] if God did not
[23:51] let it kill her
[23:51] all this while
[23:52] she would continue
[23:53] to serve God
[23:53] she's even grateful
[23:54] that she always
[23:55] told God
[23:55] that if she wanted
[23:56] to see her kids
[23:56] get married
[23:57] I wanted to see her children's children
[23:59] that she has actually answered the prayer
[24:02] I have two children, my brother has two children
[24:04] God has tried for her
[24:05] she has answered her prayer
[24:06] so seeing somebody in so much pain
[24:09] be talking like that was your own
[24:11] to not come and say God why
[24:13] so I feel like that's one of the things that
[24:15] really helped me and also helped my faith
[24:18] as well
[24:19] that's so impressive
[24:21] sometimes when I look at you
[24:23] I'm quite expressive
[24:25] online or offline
[24:26] I can still be private but still express
[24:29] exactly how I'm feeling
[24:30] I feel like sometimes when I look at you
[24:32] and you do the video and you're smiling
[24:34] and all of that
[24:36] I always wonder when, which of the videos
[24:39] have you done that you put the camera
[24:41] down and you felt your feelings
[24:42] in real life, does that happen?
[24:46] like after filming
[24:47] after like, you know how you are
[24:48] people actually may see you
[24:51] on the road and think they can jump on you
[24:53] you're always in a good mood, that's not true
[24:55] but then have you ever as ever happened or how often has it happened that when you film and you
[25:00] show happiness when you put the camera down you're actually dealing with something in real life aside
[25:05] from your mom's death when i'm filming i'm dealing with something like like like this like this now
[25:09] if i start to think almost early because there is always something to deal with like three days
[25:15] after my mom died i had an event i was hosting you know but that was even i was saying when she
[25:18] was in the hospital i was like ah do i cancel this today i went there i was hey hey hey everybody
[25:23] I also said this
[25:24] after jumping jumping
[25:26] I was like
[25:26] go back to my hotel
[25:27] I don't think I even cried
[25:28] that day
[25:28] I cried
[25:29] on my way to
[25:31] on my way to the
[25:32] events
[25:33] the morning
[25:34] I traveled that morning
[25:35] so in the plane
[25:35] as I entered the plane
[25:36] I was like
[25:36] ah
[25:37] God
[25:38] I don't know the flight
[25:40] that I've entered
[25:41] that my mother would not say
[25:42] are you taking off
[25:43] like so
[25:43] you just don't know
[25:44] I hate God
[25:45] for the first time ever
[25:47] I will not hear this woman's voice
[25:48] before I take off
[25:49] nobody come
[25:50] and my mama
[25:51] she can't
[25:51] she can't
[25:52] she can ask you about your itinerary every second of the way.
[25:55] Have you landed now?
[25:56] Have you gotten there now?
[25:57] So it's just like, ah, I'm on nobody.
[25:58] They follow me.
[25:59] But what to walk like this?
[26:01] So I just cried.
[26:03] I cried till I slept off on that flight.
[26:05] Because I was like, ah, God, this woman, this is the first flight I'm taking off.
[26:08] She's not even asking me, have you taken off?
[26:10] Are you about to take off?
[26:11] Or have you landed?
[26:13] So I think that that made me so emotional.
[26:14] When I got to where I was doing my makeup, I just knew that it's almost time for the event.
[26:18] I don't want red eyes.
[26:19] I want energy.
[26:20] I don't want to.
[26:21] so I just had to
[26:22] breathe up
[26:22] I cry on my cry
[26:23] on the plane
[26:24] I've slept
[26:24] I've woken up
[26:25] and I think
[26:25] when I even got back
[26:26] to my hotel
[26:27] that night
[26:27] I didn't even cry
[26:28] funnily enough
[26:29] I started
[26:29] I think that was the day
[26:30] my cousin came to see me
[26:31] at the hotel
[26:33] and when I like
[26:33] ah
[26:34] very
[26:34] like play
[26:35] what vibe do you want
[26:36] just I check Instagram
[26:37] the way
[26:38] what's the mood board
[26:39] what do you want
[26:39] so like
[26:40] all of that
[26:41] knowing that
[26:41] she deserved like the best
[26:43] and she was such a perfectionist
[26:44] I just ginger
[26:45] so it was that way
[26:46] keep I found the mood board
[26:48] that I wanted to use
[26:49] for the
[26:49] it was that day
[26:50] I found the mood board
[26:50] I want that to be for the way keep.
[26:52] And not cry again that day.
[26:53] You cry, you cry, you cry yourself.
[26:56] I feel like there's always, people just assume
[26:59] when you see somebody with burst of energy,
[27:00] always smiling, it's like three, four,
[27:03] I don't know how many minutes videos,
[27:04] the longest you've done on Instagram,
[27:06] is three, four, five minutes.
[27:07] Exactly.
[27:08] And then when you drop it,
[27:09] they're actually living a life
[27:11] that has to do with real issues
[27:13] and emotional and everything.
[27:15] And so when people comment based on those five minutes,
[27:17] I feel like it's just not fair.
[27:18] But you know what?
[27:19] social media is no fun you people really need to check on how
[27:30] everybody's going through it and so let's let's let's be kind and be cognizant of that i realized
[27:36] that you going into our our story what is aside from the boss of energy i see what's real happiness
[27:45] to you i think i'm being surrounded by people i love and seeing them happy i think i think that
[27:54] makes me happy like it was just be around you just be just because i don't know it just kind of like
[27:59] takes away your problem that means because there's one just here there's one just here like don't be
[28:04] surrounded by my people and just i think that's happiness because when they now go you just
[28:08] remember that hey i've not submitted my i'm not but like in that instant you're happy you're laughing
[28:14] I think that's happiness
[28:16] for me
[28:16] like a safe space for you
[28:17] yeah
[28:17] just seeing my people
[28:19] just saying and talking
[28:20] I think I really
[28:21] even when my mom
[28:22] was in the hospital
[28:22] like we did it often
[28:23] because there was times
[28:24] she wasn't speaking
[28:24] and we were like
[28:24] oh she can't hear you
[28:26] we just tell her
[28:26] mommy
[28:27] where are people
[28:27] owing you money
[28:28] that they've not already
[28:29] turned it
[28:30] give us their names now
[28:31] like we're really
[28:32] teasing her
[28:32] on the hospital bed
[28:33] yeah
[28:34] give us their names now
[28:35] so we can go and find
[28:37] like we're just trying
[28:38] to make ourselves happy
[28:39] because at the end of the day
[28:40] you always find things
[28:41] that will make you unhappy
[28:42] it's now left for you
[28:43] to pick the happiness
[28:44] in the midst of those things
[28:45] and ensure that you stay happy
[28:46] because you already said
[28:48] that this is happening.
[28:49] You now decide
[28:50] to remain sad.
[28:51] I think it will just be sad.
[28:53] Life will be moving.
[28:54] It will be dead sad.
[28:55] So if you can pick happiness,
[28:56] stay happy.
[28:57] Yes, stay happy
[28:58] when you can take it.
[28:59] And you keep moving.
[29:00] Absolutely.
[29:00] That's it for me.
[29:01] Absolutely.
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[29:27] Tell me, what was your idea of marriage before you got married and now at 29?
[29:35] I think that marriage was a fairy tale when I got married.
[29:39] I was just like, ah, you're pissing, you're a woman.
[29:46] The truth is,
[29:47] ah,
[29:48] marriage causes
[29:48] a lot of bad things.
[29:50] Like,
[29:51] at times,
[29:51] your person,
[29:51] you might want to see your person
[29:52] and don't break the couple.
[29:54] The person says,
[29:54] you are very silly.
[29:58] I think,
[29:58] I think that's,
[29:59] that's one thing for me
[30:00] that's changed.
[30:01] Do you feel like
[30:02] there's,
[30:03] when people evolve in marriage,
[30:05] how does one accept that?
[30:06] Because you are not the same.
[30:08] I'm not the same.
[30:09] Yeah,
[30:09] I'm not the same.
[30:10] So,
[30:11] because if,
[30:12] when we're researching
[30:12] and I was looking at your wedding picture,
[30:14] I was like, this is not...
[30:16] I was so young then.
[30:18] No, this is a difference.
[30:21] Now, the personality hasn't changed much,
[30:24] but the eyes have become wiser.
[30:26] And the words have become more controlled.
[30:29] Yeah, sure.
[30:31] How did your husband accept you evolving?
[30:34] And I'm not talking about finances, no.
[30:35] I'm speaking real emotional growth
[30:38] and pivoting into who you are today.
[30:40] The truth is, even till now,
[30:41] I'm still changing and we're still accepting.
[30:44] I think it just comes from knowing that you have chosen this person.
[30:50] Bye, Evolve.
[30:50] It's only when you decide to be a mad person.
[30:52] Like you don't...
[30:53] And you want to be mad for the longest duration.
[30:56] I'm sure that nobody will really want to accept that.
[30:59] But knowing that you actually genuinely love this person,
[31:02] like regardless of what is happening,
[31:04] like this is somebody that you opened your two eyes and said,
[31:07] yes, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer.
[31:11] just knowing that just makes you i think that just lays a foundation for
[31:16] ah okay asha will find a way out and at the end of the day where i need together
[31:21] even for me like my husband has changed i've changed like you should have known that my husband
[31:25] my husband is much calmer now than he was earlier oh like i feel like we're at this stage of our
[31:31] marriage where we don't want to fight nobody
[31:34] don't stress me let's just quickly settle it there was a time when two days three days
[31:42] get it off everybody go no problem like god does they will not sleep go to bed
[31:47] okay i think that's you think that's not practical brah if some boy do it to their marriage
[31:54] well you get some kind of anger there you don't even want to hear anything you don't even want to
[31:59] just leave me first let me dilute my anger like even me at times i don't even want i don't have
[32:04] the energy to transition from anger to happiness right let me let me let me dwell in my anger a
[32:09] little bit like but at the end of the day like i said you just have to know that this person
[32:15] i think this person say we now have children oh we have children are you happy are you are you happy
[32:23] let's be going yeah i think i think that's just what saves it at the end of the day as long as
[32:28] It's not really like a dramatic kind of like, obviously, extreme situation.
[32:33] This is just normal.
[32:35] You said this.
[32:36] Why did you say this like this?
[32:38] Why did you not say this like this?
[32:39] Why did you?
[32:40] Hold on to some.
[32:41] You resolve it.
[32:42] And then God.
[32:43] God.
[32:44] God to the whole.
[32:45] I'm going to say.
[32:46] If God say no, normal.
[32:47] I'm going to say yes.
[32:48] Absolutely.
[32:49] Definitely.
[32:51] We're going to get into our story.
[32:52] But before we do, we always take a pledge.
[32:55] I pledge.
[32:56] I pledge.
[32:57] What is the pledge?
[32:58] Aye
[32:59] Aye
[32:59] Ife dayo
[33:00] Tumike
[33:00] I was afraid
[33:01] I'd be caught
[33:02] Let's do it again
[33:05] Aye
[33:06] Aye
[33:06] Ife dayo
[33:07] Tumike
[33:07] Promise
[33:08] Promise
[33:08] To be kind
[33:09] To be kind
[33:10] To be honest
[33:11] Oh
[33:12] To be honest
[33:13] And
[33:13] Every show needs to say this pledge
[33:14] Next
[33:16] Tumike stop interrupting me
[33:17] Sorry
[33:17] We'll start again
[33:18] Aye
[33:19] Aye
[33:19] Tumike I do it again
[33:20] No I go first
[33:21] Boy I don't know the beginning already
[33:22] You don't say up to times
[33:23] I don't know how
[33:24] Aye
[33:25] Aye
[33:26] Aye
[33:26] Ife dayo
[33:27] Don't forget your name.
[33:27] Promise.
[33:28] Promise.
[33:28] To be kind.
[33:29] To be kind.
[33:29] To be honest.
[33:30] To be honest.
[33:31] And to not ask if it was in the story.
[33:34] I can't ask.
[33:35] You can't ask.
[33:36] Oh, yeah, quickly do that one.
[33:37] You will say it?
[33:38] No.
[33:40] Say it quickly.
[33:41] Tell me the story.
[33:41] I will not ask if it was in the story.
[33:43] You do not say it.
[33:45] You do not say it.
[33:46] You do not say it again.
[33:48] No way.
[33:49] You do not say it.
[33:49] Because we can't reveal.
[33:50] Okay.
[33:51] And to not ask if it was in the story.
[33:53] It was in the story.
[33:54] Thank you very much.
[33:55] It was in the story.
[33:56] Don't worry yourself.
[33:57] Even if you ask me, I'll not tell you.
[33:58] Okay.
[33:58] All right, let's get into it.
[33:59] So you've not told me.
[34:00] What if I have help for the person?
[34:01] Don't worry yourself.
[34:02] We'll help the person.
[34:04] Whatever you're saying, we'll help the person.
[34:06] All right, let's get into it.
[34:08] Ife, so my wife and I agreed before we got married
[34:12] that I can't cook to save my life,
[34:14] and I won't help in the kitchen.
[34:17] She also knows I only eat fresh food.
[34:20] Anything else doesn't sit well with me.
[34:23] We both agreed on this,
[34:25] and now she's suddenly forming woke and tired.
[34:30] Women forget agreements once they marry.
[34:33] And reading posts like yours that say they don't have to cook when they're tired
[34:38] just gives someone like my wife reason to carry shoulder.
[34:43] But who is losing and complaining that I have a girlfriend outside?
[34:46] It's her.
[34:48] I don't love the girl.
[34:49] Wait, I know that part again.
[34:50] Sorry, who is losing?
[34:52] But who is losing and complaining that I have a girlfriend outside?
[34:56] It's her.
[34:58] I don't love the girl outside.
[35:00] My wife is the one I love.
[35:03] But we are both working,
[35:06] and I've never changed my mind on our earlier agreements.
[35:09] So if she's the one changing her mind now,
[35:12] she should bear the consequences.
[35:15] Not everything is the way you say it, Ife.
[35:18] I admire you, but you should be real with women.
[35:21] Don't agree to what you know you can't do earlier in the marriage.
[35:26] Everyone has their limits.
[35:29] I don't want any third party living in our house.
[35:32] That was our agreement from the beginning.
[35:34] We have two children.
[35:36] Yes, we both work, but I provide 70% of our bills while she handles 30%.
[35:42] I'm the one doing the laundry.
[35:44] I'm just the man.
[35:45] That was the agreement.
[35:47] My mother worked in the civil service.
[35:49] I was at the very top level, but she still came home and cooked for my father.
[35:54] She never died, Ife.
[35:56] She's still alive and healthy.
[35:58] Nothing serious ever shook her marriage.
[36:00] So, to be honest, how is it my fault that I found someone else to handle what my wife agreed,
[36:07] but now refuses to do?
[36:12] Take a deep breath.
[36:13] Wow.
[36:14] This is the evolving that you were talking about now.
[36:18] Yeah.
[36:19] You agree before I don't agree again.
[36:25] Is it not allowed?
[36:28] It should be.
[36:29] It's what I said.
[36:30] It should be allowed.
[36:31] I don't think that...
[36:33] You go and see your in-laws.
[36:38] You're in-laws.
[36:38] You're saying things.
[36:39] You're saying things.
[36:40] I will cook for you.
[36:41] I promise to cook for you.
[36:44] You said that's your wedding vows.
[36:46] You promised.
[36:47] I promise to take care of you.
[36:49] I promise to cook for you.
[36:51] When last did I cook?
[36:52] Actually, I used to want food, Sha.
[36:53] Did you cook it at home?
[36:57] I think that it is a foundational problem.
[36:59] Both of them have the problem.
[37:02] Uncle, you two, you like Shino.
[37:04] It's not because of the fresh food.
[37:05] No, please.
[37:06] There is more to the matter.
[37:07] There are issues here that have nothing to do with
[37:10] she cooked, she did not cook.
[37:12] You don't want third party to live in the house.
[37:15] Okay, because there is a chef that will be going home.
[37:17] coming.
[37:17] Abi,
[37:18] chef will come,
[37:19] chef will go,
[37:20] chef will cook.
[37:21] But no,
[37:22] a woman must cook.
[37:23] That is her duty in life.
[37:25] Women chef day.
[37:29] Hello,
[37:29] me.
[37:30] My wife must cook.
[37:32] My wife,
[37:33] that's why
[37:33] we married that one
[37:34] outside.
[37:35] We married,
[37:36] Alice Jumjum.
[37:37] And the one
[37:37] that married that one,
[37:38] you want,
[37:39] that married that one
[37:39] outside,
[37:40] this same thing,
[37:42] woke.
[37:42] She woke.
[37:42] She won't be woke.
[37:44] Everyone is going to be woke.
[37:45] Don't keep changing wives.
[37:46] But you said you don't love...
[37:48] So, I was going to ask you, and I'm glad you said it,
[37:51] that what was your own pre-agreement when you were married
[37:54] that you no longer can do?
[37:56] You said you were going to cook.
[37:57] I said that.
[37:58] Nobody even asked me.
[37:59] I mean, they loved that.
[37:59] They went faster.
[38:00] They told me, I promise to cook for God's sake.
[38:03] My husband is just getting promised to cook for me.
[38:06] And here we are today.
[38:07] But thankfully, my husband is not actually that kind of person
[38:09] that will say, oh, I'm home now.
[38:11] What will I eat?
[38:11] My husband is not a person that if he's home
[38:13] and there's no food on the gas when he walks in,
[38:15] will enter the fridge make something for himself like his life is really not that hard and he's
[38:20] not i was saying why is he even saying i don't want to stress you but i know what you've been
[38:23] through yeah already today yeah so when it comes to food like it's really not that deep but i don't
[38:29] know why some people was his mother always making fresh food for him when you you know we said the
[38:34] mother was always making for the father and the father was it different yeah well it wants her
[38:38] to be because you know the mother mother you know what your mother is going through yourself
[38:42] See everything that she will tell you.
[38:43] I'm not saying that.
[38:44] It's just like what we're saying,
[38:45] that our mother's generation,
[38:46] the kind of,
[38:46] we don't want that strength.
[38:48] Yeah, exactly.
[38:49] We don't have it.
[38:50] Black, strong black.
[38:51] Strong black.
[38:52] I know that.
[38:53] Strong black.
[38:54] No, no, no.
[38:54] No, no, no, no.
[38:56] No, I need help.
[38:57] I think he needs to change his perspective.
[39:00] He talked about him doing 70
[39:03] while the wife was doing 30.
[39:04] He's talking about what she's doing.
[39:05] It's about if she's fulfilled in life.
[39:06] Like, is she happy living in that house?
[39:09] Like, many people think,
[39:10] because some people work because they want to make money
[39:14] or she should only be working if she's contributing to...
[39:17] No, what if she's working to feel fulfilled in life?
[39:19] Children take happiness from their mother most times
[39:22] because they are always the ones present, have the time.
[39:24] So if your wife is not happy,
[39:26] happy wife, happy life, they always say.
[39:28] It's not even about what she's contributing to the home.
[39:32] It does not mean that that's why she's working.
[39:33] What if she's working to move forward in life
[39:35] or feel like her life is progressing
[39:37] or feel like she's accomplished?
[39:38] to contribute
[39:40] to the world.
[39:43] I know why you are a man.
[39:44] 70% is not bad now.
[39:46] Do it.
[39:48] Do it.
[39:48] This is my question.
[39:52] That 30%,
[39:54] what would include taking care of children?
[39:56] Taking care of children is 100%
[39:57] for this one.
[39:59] Why are you expecting her that?
[40:00] You don't say you do the laundry.
[40:04] You know what we do.
[40:06] Take that laundry
[40:07] and come and be washing it.
[40:09] so that we know that we made an investment.
[40:11] I don't like when people now quantify it or say,
[40:13] oh, this percentage, maybe where I'm coming from.
[40:16] Anybody will do anything that they can do.
[40:18] And we all merge it together and we have a happy home.
[40:20] There's nothing like, oh, I'm doing this, you must do this.
[40:23] Everything that is convenient for everybody.
[40:24] Let's do it, let's do it.
[40:26] If it's no longer convenient for you,
[40:27] ah, I think we should find a social job.
[40:29] Let's adjust.
[40:29] Should we get a chef?
[40:30] Should we get an additional nanny?
[40:32] Let's be adjusting.
[40:33] Not that you're not saying, no, I'm already doing the laundry.
[40:35] I should not
[40:36] I've never had
[40:37] Such conversations
[40:37] Like that
[40:39] I don't know
[40:39] Everybody should
[40:40] Walk hand in hand now
[40:41] Yeah what do you feel about
[40:44] Marriages that insist on
[40:46] Percentage percentage
[40:47] I don't know how
[40:48] It is working
[40:48] Because tomorrow
[40:50] Now I might be bringing
[40:51] 30% more
[40:52] I tell you that
[40:52] I only have 5%
[40:53] To give you
[40:54] Because
[40:55] Because I want to use
[40:56] My money for something else
[40:57] I don't know how
[40:59] To add my age to survival
[41:01] That's why I said
[41:02] I don't believe in a system
[41:03] That everybody
[41:04] Is in their common sense
[41:05] you are doing whatever it is you can to ensure that
[41:07] if you need something, yes, you can ask the other person
[41:09] but not that it's now stated
[41:11] in books.
[41:12] By force, by fire.
[41:14] What if there's a month that I don't even do a single
[41:17] percentage?
[41:18] Will you not say I should carry
[41:19] my load and leave because I'm not
[41:21] contributing?
[41:22] So do you think that the
[41:23] percentage thing
[41:26] puts some men under pressure?
[41:28] I think so and that's why
[41:29] I also feel like women should work
[41:31] because I mean
[41:34] it's not people people make men feel like it is your responsibility it is your this is your that
[41:39] if you are capable to whatever it is that you can do at the end of the day like people are a team
[41:43] like it's not you are one at the end of the day it's not oh this person must bring 60 this person
[41:48] must if this person is earning higher than the other person obviously the person will need to
[41:53] maybe contribute more so that you don't kill the other person and the person is coming up
[41:57] stressed out.
[41:57] People say no.
[41:59] No matter how much I'm earning.
[42:01] Because the truth about life,
[42:03] tomorrow now, like our industry,
[42:05] a time gig can come, a time gig cannot
[42:07] come.
[42:09] When gig
[42:10] no come, your person will stand in for you
[42:13] now.
[42:13] And it's the same thing with someone.
[42:15] Standing for each other.
[42:17] Like a time you might be expecting something
[42:18] and the thing might not click.
[42:20] That's why you have
[42:21] partner.
[42:21] Your partner should be able to cover up for you.
[42:23] It's what I always say.
[42:25] That's why we were talking about this before in the first episode.
[42:31] I don't think people know what marriage is.
[42:32] No, I don't.
[42:33] Because if it's a partnership, why are you watching the person easily?
[42:38] So he's saying she doesn't cook, so he won't go and have a girlfriend.
[42:42] I don't cook.
[42:43] Call me one day.
[42:44] He just wants to have a girlfriend.
[42:46] It's not the issue.
[42:48] It's not the issue.
[42:49] Yes.
[42:50] For me, you've answered the question we wanted to ask.
[42:54] the man's complaints are not valid.
[42:57] If the woman was seated here,
[43:00] what would you tell her?
[43:03] I would also ask her where she would go
[43:04] and agree that she will be cooking.
[43:07] Yeah.
[43:08] She will be cooking fresh food.
[43:10] And also maybe,
[43:11] maybe means of communication as well.
[43:13] You know, the honest truth is
[43:14] there are always two sides to a story.
[43:16] The man might not even be telling his story
[43:18] when he's supposed to tell it.
[43:20] I feel that also maybe in manner of approach,
[43:23] like him saying she's now woke,
[43:24] it might be that maybe it's someone that was respectful before
[43:27] and now she's like, I don't even care.
[43:29] You know, this is it.
[43:29] I cannot cook a fresh meal.
[43:31] But if it's something whereby,
[43:32] although like men too at times,
[43:33] they don't make it easy for women.
[43:35] But if it's something where like you massage their ego
[43:38] and you know, find a nicer way to...
[43:40] Do I have to massage it and the ego of my husband is kind?
[43:43] Do you think?
[43:43] Yeah.
[43:44] When it comes to food?
[43:45] No, at times too, you might also be the one as well.
[43:48] Just like me, my husband comes and meets me and I say,
[43:50] hey why have you not let me go when you give me back i give you both so i think it might also be
[43:55] a manner of approach if both of you are kind now if you see that this place already moving mad
[44:00] let me be the sinner one yeah okay i'm sorry i cannot cook i cannot eat i cannot if nasi
[44:07] is indeed the way it will talk you will not know that you will not bring your own madness but try
[44:12] a different approach at times it might just be oh i'm so sorry i'm running late and this is this
[44:16] is it but every time when i say that you are i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and this is nasi yeah i
[44:19] I can't be like, no, no, no, this one is a worry.
[44:21] Then you deal with the worry like you worry.
[44:23] But now, two worries cannot exist.
[44:26] They cannot coexist.
[44:28] It would be crazy.
[44:29] Nethi, you wanted to add something?
[44:30] Yeah, because it's funny that he claims he's cheating
[44:34] because his wife is not cooking.
[44:37] If for some reason he's unable to bring 70% finances
[44:40] that is making him raise sugar,
[44:42] is he okay for her to cheat?
[44:44] No doubt.
[44:45] If she's bringing the 70%,
[44:47] if I'm the woman
[44:49] carrying everything in the house, I can
[44:51] cheat.
[44:51] Exactly.
[44:52] So since you cannot bring
[44:53] your 70%, your agreement, I hear now,
[44:56] your agreement is not
[44:57] entering again.
[44:58] Can I cheat, sir?
[45:00] Well, I would say
[45:01] before Tomike answers that I don't
[45:03] even approve of cheating for no reason.
[45:05] Like, don't you, even if he's, like,
[45:07] cheating is not a response to anything.
[45:09] So him cheating, for me, is not the,
[45:11] is a cheat.
[45:12] The man is a cheat.
[45:13] It's not because she doesn't cook.
[45:15] if it's not the cook it would be
[45:18] the plate or the children
[45:20] I feel like a cheat is a cheat
[45:21] but cheating is not
[45:23] ever a healthy
[45:25] godly response to
[45:28] a marital quarrel
[45:30] I agree in short
[45:31] everything you have said is true
[45:33] and nothing but the truth
[45:35] is that all that you wanted to ask?
[45:39] so
[45:39] the way that you made promises
[45:42] when you said I will cook for you
[45:43] You know, it was doing you.
[45:45] I did not say it's every day.
[45:46] That's why I said, go and play that clip again.
[45:48] I did not say money at night.
[45:50] I just said I would cook.
[45:51] So if in Batiste, in 2025, I will still cook.
[45:54] No, I mean, once it will happen.
[45:56] I will cook.
[45:56] Once this year.
[45:58] Do you think that, looking back,
[46:00] that couples should make such definite promises to each other,
[46:05] aside from what you should as a man and wife,
[46:08] do you think they should make such structured promises?
[46:11] uh detroit is i think it also it also gives everybody european those roped up for
[46:22] a unique have you had legal you're saying yeah i check yeah it also puts you in check just like for
[46:27] better for worse it's not easy if it's getting worse so what's the dust that was sleep fast
[46:32] but it's just good to also like just believe that
[46:39] because if you don't put that for worse now when it's getting bad
[46:46] i made no promise i did not promise anything no i don't know these are regular vows but see what
[46:52] she said she said she'll be cooking for me every day
[46:54] What's the difference between that one and for worse?
[46:56] Is it not for worse?
[46:57] Is it not for worse?
[47:00] What's the difference between that one and for worse?
[47:01] Some people are thinking of which promise is every other.
[47:04] For worse, is it not even worse than that?
[47:05] Why are we at this point?
[47:06] For worse.
[47:08] For worse.
[47:09] Do you know what I mean of for worse?
[47:11] If you're not mad at me, it's for worse.
[47:15] So, I think that there is really no manual to this thing called marriage.
[47:20] Let God just be saving all of us
[47:22] that we should not go and enter back where I want to.
[47:25] Because at this juncture, anything and everything is possible.
[47:29] It's just praying to God for a good and kind person.
[47:32] Because issues like this,
[47:34] some marrieds will hear this issue and they'll be like,
[47:36] ah, what kind of job?
[47:38] Sounds so strange.
[47:40] And you hear some people say,
[47:41] why is he a boss?
[47:42] So the truth is, ah.
[47:45] So you think that those vows and promises are...
[47:46] I don't think that anything could have heard...
[47:49] Some people have made promises that they won't hold on to it and say,
[47:52] because you said this story.
[47:54] So it's not the promises.
[47:56] It's the people.
[47:57] Yes.
[47:58] It's the people in the marriage.
[48:00] Yes.
[48:01] And the foundation.
[48:03] If the foundation is faulty, what can the righteous do?
[48:07] You see his foundation where he said that his mother will go to work and come back.
[48:10] And still cook, even though she's tired.
[48:13] Her foundation is faulty.
[48:13] Should you be looking at people's mothers before marrying them?
[48:16] I was looking but we were still married.
[48:21] We were looking but we were still married.
[48:22] We were still married.
[48:24] Because usually when you look at my mother,
[48:26] they feel no money.
[48:27] This one is not playing.
[48:28] This one is not playing.
[48:31] My mother is so straight.
[48:34] My mother beat me in school.
[48:36] School uni or school secondary?
[48:38] School secondary.
[48:39] She brought panceras.
[48:41] When my mother came in, they fled.
[48:43] What did you do?
[48:44] I was playing in school and school had closed.
[48:47] So you don't go home after closing the door?
[48:49] How many minutes?
[48:50] No, I could say 30 minutes.
[48:51] But you must be crazy for still staying in that school.
[48:54] My brother was...
[48:55] And you know that beating could be a reaction of worry.
[48:59] Yes, of course.
[49:00] Ah, this girl is not coming.
[49:01] She is coming to see me in the G.C.
[49:02] Ah!
[49:03] Oh, you have to be cool.
[49:04] You will call it.
[49:07] So my final question to you would be to sincerely know, do you think that at the age that you
[49:15] married you would have would if you're not married then would you be married now
[49:22] based on the things that you know or i don't even know to be honest so the reason i haven't
[49:27] got married early i was always saying that i wanted to get married at a certain age if you
[49:32] hear the foundation of this my marriage since uni i was saying i wanted to get married at
[49:37] age 24 yeah because i think i was going to be 24 on that particular date and it was on a saturday
[49:45] day so it's 24 24 something 24 24 now we didn't start the family don't know what to get married
[49:53] tell me that too but you know how god say when you at times there's point in the tongue that i
[49:57] kept saying it from secondary school to uni and i actually just i was dating my husband when i was
[50:02] in uni i think when i was in year two and um i was dating for long already i wouldn't know that
[50:07] i wanted to get married so i think that was why i got married earlier i just always knew that i
[50:10] I wanted to settle down and have kids early on time.
[50:13] And I'm kind of glad that I did because really,
[50:18] I don't think I have that strength right now
[50:22] with the way my life is going and everything.
[50:24] I think it's just different strokes for different folks.
[50:26] There are some people that it's just perfect timing
[50:29] and God's timing for them to accomplish some things.
[50:31] At that age.
[50:32] Yeah, before they get married.
[50:35] Or maybe get married after accomplishing something.
[50:37] Because God knows that there are some people that
[50:39] if they get married, they'll just scatter everything.
[50:41] They'll just say, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that.
[50:43] Yeah, I don't have strength for this.
[50:45] But for me, I just really wanted to settle down
[50:48] and have my kids early.
[50:49] I wanted to be able to play with my kids
[50:51] with the same energy of that teenage youthful energy
[50:54] because I don't have energy to be chasing any child
[50:57] in a few years' time.
[51:00] I don't have that.
[51:00] Come here.
[51:02] I don't have that strength.
[51:04] And God has blessed me with that kind of strength,
[51:05] but I don't want to.
[51:08] what do you tell people who are young
[51:10] and are evolving in the marriage but don't know how to
[51:13] you know find that balance
[51:14] because when people as they get married
[51:16] they have that love in their eyes
[51:18] but then as they grow older
[51:21] you know because they didn't experience
[51:22] much before marriage then you marry
[51:25] and your life starts going off
[51:27] in a good way but then
[51:28] how do they find that balance
[51:31] in their home to make sure that they keep it
[51:33] I feel like you should also like talk to
[51:34] people you know how people say oh whatever
[51:36] happens in your marriage stays in your marriage that thing has come at times because you might
[51:41] be running mad in your marriage and because there's only a husband you want to talk to yeah
[51:45] you'll not be all right i feel like you should have like close people that you talk to it could
[51:49] be counselors it could be just another perspective just like even business-wise if you want to take
[51:53] some decisions you just really want to weigh and another person's opinion and you also have
[51:59] yeah you don't know it all and you might want to move mad and person will just say oh be calm
[52:04] the steel
[52:05] and all of that
[52:06] and that might be
[52:07] the saving grace
[52:07] that will save your marriage
[52:09] so I feel like
[52:09] you should have
[52:09] trusted people
[52:10] that you talk to
[52:10] and not many people
[52:11] as well
[52:12] you don't really need
[52:13] the world to know
[52:14] your business
[52:15] and you need to have
[52:16] trusted people
[52:16] I feel like everybody
[52:17] needs trusted friends
[52:18] that will go to war
[52:20] for you
[52:20] will pray for you
[52:21] will fast with you
[52:22] everybody needs
[52:23] friends like that
[52:24] because at the end
[52:24] of the day
[52:25] there are times
[52:25] when you say
[52:26] it's you and your husband
[52:27] when people are not talking
[52:28] I don't want to say
[52:29] it's you
[52:29] and you don't want
[52:31] to hear each other
[52:31] at that point in time
[52:32] because if you talk
[52:33] maybe start shouting or just start getting angry and walked up all over again so i feel like
[52:37] everybody needs like trusted people in your circle it could be your counselor it could be like
[52:42] whoever some because there's there are some people that have like a wider perspective to things that
[52:46] there's some people that have been there done that you don't even know you feel like ah this
[52:49] thing i'm going to release me i just hear oh i went through it in 1980 something and this was
[52:56] how i navigated and that way you just feel like okay so we're not the only mad people in this
[53:00] this marriage thing
[53:01] oh yeah
[53:02] so I feel like for me
[53:03] that's one thing
[53:04] that's important
[53:04] we would advise
[53:05] after reading this
[53:07] I feel like you should not
[53:08] be cutting your single friends off
[53:09] that's the thing
[53:10] that annoys me so much
[53:11] because you have
[53:12] are you the first to marry
[53:13] and not say
[53:13] I'm so sorry
[53:14] I cannot move it
[53:15] eh
[53:15] you cannot move it
[53:16] you will be alone
[53:16] you will be alone
[53:18] darling
[53:19] because marriage
[53:20] is another level
[53:21] another level
[53:21] you cannot understand
[53:22] what are they
[53:23] they are the first
[53:24] to understand
[53:25] don't cut your friends off
[53:26] if you are a good person
[53:27] you will know how to navigate
[53:28] your friendships
[53:29] even with your marriage
[53:30] as well because at the end of the day they were your friends before you even got married but now
[53:34] you're not my husband okay we will come back okay we shall see we shall see we shall see about that
[53:40] after reading this story for me i felt really i mean i had responded to the man and i told him
[53:45] that oh god your problem is not food just stop that's not the issue but you know what we all
[53:51] have like tomica said wider perspective and let's just all bring you to the table as we always do
[53:56] here to speak honestly and kindly you know to one another if you've been in this kind of situation
[54:02] or you know people that have been in this kind of situation please drop a comment let us know what
[54:06] your perspective is and to everyone else watching i'm giving this matter over to you say over to me
[54:12] over to you
[54:16] more closer let me smell you oh smell nice go smell nice but with this you will smell nice
[54:23] You see my leg?
[54:26] What did you get?
[54:27] This is from Dan.
[54:29] We gift you this special gift just for coming and sharing your life with us.
[54:33] We appreciate you.
[54:34] We love you.
[54:35] Presented this lovely perfume.
[54:37] And there's another special gift inside for you as well.
[54:40] Thank you.
[54:40] So I, Tomike Adewi, promise to use this product from Dan.
[54:46] Thank you.
[54:46] And I'm so proud of Dan.
[54:48] By the way, running a business is not easy.
[54:51] And I'm just proud of the growth of Dan.
[54:53] Thank you so much.
[54:53] I just started like, what?
[54:55] I know.
[54:56] Here we are.
[54:57] You did that.
[54:58] Thank you.
[54:58] Thank you.
[54:59] Thank you.
[55:00] Congratulations.
[55:02] Can you see this here?
[55:03] That's Tomike's business.
[55:05] And he's doing so well.
[55:06] And I'm so happy.
[55:07] The launch was amazing.
[55:08] Thank you.
[55:09] You're actually well, Lou.
[55:10] I'm very proud of you.
[55:11] Let me just tell you now.
[55:12] If I was wearing wig.
[55:13] No, let me tell you.
[55:14] Off camera.
[55:15] Off camera.
[55:16] Let me just see.
[55:18] Well, I don't know.
[55:19] I'm just.
[55:19] I'm just.
[55:19] Okay.
[55:21] Well, I don't know.
[55:22] Did you like this episode?
[55:23] Did you like this episode?
[55:25] Don't forget to comment, like, share, and click the subscribe button.
[55:30] To watch another episode of Dear Efe series, click here.

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