# Fibber McGee and Molly - "Business Is Dull" (Old Time Radio, 1954)

An episode of [Fibber McGee and Molly | Old Time Radio](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1858238532), 9 Oct 2026, 16 min.

Audio: https://dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/api.spreaker.com/download/episode/75669886/1433c065b3e7586d_mastered.mp3

Fibber McGee and Molly presents “Business Is Dull,” originally broadcast on NBC on March 11, 1954. This archival episode is numbered 854 and stars Jim Jordan as Fibber McGee, Marian Jordan as Molly, and Bill Thompson as the Old Timer. Still working at Quilby’s Variety Store, Fibber finds business painfully slow and sets out to improve sales with an energetic, decidedly forceful approach to customer service. The compact shop-set comedy finds Fibber’s enthusiasm meeting resistance from the Old Timer. Fibber McGee and Molly presents the original broadcast with a newly produced contextual introduction, a short closing announcement, and gently cleaned/mastered audio for a more consistent listening experience. Chapters: 00:00 Victor Sterling Introduction 00:30 Original Broadcast 15:30 Closing Support Old Time Retro Radio at https://www.patreon.com/oldtimeretroradio

## Transcript

[0:00] Speaker 1: At Quilby's Variety Store, business has slowed to a crawl
[0:03] Speaker 1: and Fibber McGee is determined to improve the day's sales.
[0:07] Speaker 1: His especially forceful approach finds its target in the old-timer,
[0:11] Speaker 1: with Jim Jordan as Fibber, Marion Jordan as Molly, and
[0:15] Speaker 1: Bill Thompson as the old-timer. From NBC, this is Fibber
[0:19] Speaker 1: McGee and Molly, Business is Dull, episode 854. Originally broadcast
[0:25] Speaker 1: March 11th, 1954. And now, our story begins.
[0:30] Speaker 2: The Fibber McGee and Molly Show.
[0:32] Speaker 3: The Fibber McGee and Molly Show.
[0:40] Speaker 2: Every weekday at this time, NBC brings you Fibber McGee
[0:44] Speaker 2: and Molly Transcribed. The show is written by Phil Leslie
[0:47] Speaker 2: and Ralph Goodman and directed by Max Hutto. Fibber and
[0:57] Speaker 2: Molly will be with you in a minute. A match,
[1:00] Speaker 2: a cigarette, pipe, or campfire can send flames rampaging through
[1:04] Speaker 2: our forests or grasslands, causing enormous losses in natural resources, wildlife,
[1:08] Speaker 2: and in many cases, human lives. Careless travelers year after
[1:12] Speaker 2: year have been responsible for fires which consume millions of
[1:15] Speaker 2: acres of timber and grasslands and result in what has
[1:18] Speaker 2: been called America's.
[1:19] Speaker 3: Most shameful waste.
[1:21] Speaker 2: Shameful because nine out of every ten forest fires could
[1:24] Speaker 2: have been prevented.
[1:26] Speaker 3: Think of it.
[1:26] Speaker 2: Ninety percent of our forest fires are caused by careless
[1:30] Speaker 2: people who may even unwittingly start huge conflagrations that require
[1:34] Speaker 2: the day and night toil of hundreds of men battling
[1:37] Speaker 2: the flames of the peril of their lives. To guard
[1:40] Speaker 2: our precious forest, do remember and observe these simple rules.
[1:43] Speaker 2: Crush out all cigarettes, cigar, and pipe ashes. Break all
[1:47] Speaker 2: matches in two after using them. Drench all campfires thoroughly.
[1:51] Speaker 2: Stir and douse again. And above all, first find out
[1:54] Speaker 2: what the law is about using any fire in the
[1:57] Speaker 2: area where you are. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires.
[2:11] Speaker 2: The owner and proprietor of Quilby's Variety Store in Wistful
[2:14] Speaker 2: Vista is taking a short vacation. In her absence, the
[2:18] Speaker 2: store is in the hands of Deborah McGee and Molly.
[2:22] Speaker 3: That's $ 1.
[2:22] Speaker 2: 80. $ 2. 40. $ 0. 50.
[2:22] Speaker 4: $ 4.
[2:22] Speaker 5: 60.
[2:22] Speaker 3: And $ 12.
[2:22] Speaker 6: 25. That's $ 21.
[2:22] Speaker 3: 55 altogether. Thank you, ma'am.
[2:25] Speaker 4: There's your change.
[2:27] Speaker 3: Here, let me open the door for you. I'll call again.
[2:43] Speaker 6: My goodness, I heard that cash register ringing all the
[2:46] Speaker 6: way downstairs in the stockroom, McGee. Who was that?
[2:48] Speaker 3: Nobody. I was just practicing. In case somebody should walk
[2:52] Speaker 3: through that door. Oh, my goodness.
[2:55] Speaker 6: It's no wonder Miss Quilby wants to sell this place.
[2:57] Speaker 6: We haven't had one customer all morning.
[2:59] Speaker 3: Oh, don't worry. It'll build.
[3:00] Speaker 4: I'm mauling over a few plans right now that'll make
[3:03] Speaker 4: this joint a gold mine. There's nothing wrong with this
[3:05] Speaker 4: store that packing it with a few customers wouldn't fix.
[3:07] Speaker 6: That's a brave thought, McGee, but let's face it. This
[3:10] Speaker 6: place is deader than a canned sardine.
[3:13] Speaker 3: Ah.
[3:14] Speaker 6: It was very nice of you to tell Miss Quilby
[3:16] Speaker 6: you'd take over for a few days and build up
[3:17] Speaker 6: business for her.
[3:18] Speaker 3: Why, sure.
[3:19] Speaker 6: And you've been sweet to let me straighten the stock
[3:21] Speaker 6: and sweep out the basement while you did all the
[3:23] Speaker 6: heavy thinking.
[3:23] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm. But now let's quit, huh? Quit?
[3:28] Speaker 6: Let's just call Miss Quilby and tell her business is extinct.
[3:31] Speaker 6: And we hope she's had a nice rest, and if
[3:33] Speaker 6: somebody makes her an offer for this place, grab it.
[3:36] Speaker 3: Quit? A McGee quit? I guess you don't know very
[3:41] Speaker 3: much about my family tree, my dear.
[3:43] Speaker 6: No, just the branch I found you on. Figuratively speaking,
[3:48] Speaker 6: of course.
[3:50] Speaker 4: Well, it may come to you as a surprise to you,
[3:53] Speaker 4: but you're married to a direct descendant of one of
[3:55] Speaker 4: the stubbornest men that ever lived.
[3:57] Speaker 3: That great Irish hero, Sir Bulldog McGee.
[4:01] Speaker 6: Sir Bulldog McGee?
[4:02] Speaker 3: Never heard of him.
[4:03] Speaker 4: He was a man who became famous because he refused
[4:05] Speaker 4: to give up.
[4:06] Speaker 6: Even after the police threw in the tear gas?
[4:09] Speaker 3: I'm talking about a soldier, Mrs. McGee. A warrior.
[4:13] Speaker 4: Sir Bulldog McGee was a great leader of men. A
[4:16] Speaker 4: man whose army met six straight defeats.
[4:18] Speaker 6: Some leader.
[4:19] Speaker 3: Wait till you hear the rest of it.
[4:21] Speaker 4: One day this great descendant of mine was sitting it
[4:23] Speaker 4: out between wars in a cave.
[4:25] Speaker 6: Under a rock.
[4:26] Speaker 4: And suddenly he noticed a spider spinning a web directly
[4:29] Speaker 4: over his head.
[4:29] Speaker 6: A spider? Oh, you know how I hate spiders. Can't
[4:32] Speaker 6: we talk about some other relative?
[4:33] Speaker 4: This story's got a moral to it. On account of because,
[4:36] Speaker 4: you see, every time that spider started the web, he'd
[4:38] Speaker 4: slip and fall down. Six times it happened. But was
[4:41] Speaker 4: that spider discouraged?
[4:43] Speaker 3: No, sir.
[4:44] Speaker 4: Back it went every time. And on the seventh try,
[4:47] Speaker 4: the web was finished. And you know the moral to
[4:49] Speaker 4: that story?
[4:50] Speaker 6: Don't sit under a spider when he's trying to spin
[4:52] Speaker 6: the web?
[4:52] Speaker 3: Right.
[4:53] Speaker 4: Don't sit under... No, no, of course not. The moral is,
[4:57] Speaker 4: never give up. And when Sir Bulldog McGee seen how
[5:00] Speaker 4: hard that spider kept working, in spite of everything, it
[5:03] Speaker 4: changed his whole entire complete life.
[5:05] Speaker 6: I suppose he got his army together after that and
[5:07] Speaker 6: went back and won the war.
[5:08] Speaker 2: No.
[5:09] Speaker 4: He quit the army, opened himself a spider ranch, and
[5:11] Speaker 4: started selling cobwebs to the movies.
[5:15] Speaker 3: Made a big success.
[5:16] Speaker 4: And that's what I can do with this store as
[5:18] Speaker 4: soon as I get a few of my plans underway.
[5:20] Speaker 4: I'll have this place packed with customers. I'll have the
[5:22] Speaker 4: joint jumping like a frog on a hot sidewalk. I'll
[5:25] Speaker 4: have the customers knocking each.
[5:26] Speaker 3: Other down to get in here. Sure wish somebody'd walk
[5:29] Speaker 3: in that door.
[5:30] Speaker 6: Me too. Even if they walked in carrying a gun,
[5:32] Speaker 6: it would at least break the monotony. Say, you don't
[5:36] Speaker 6: think that front door's locked, do you?
[5:38] Speaker 3: Oh, of course it isn't locked. My gosh, you don't
[5:40] Speaker 3: think I'm that stupid, do you? Open up for business
[5:43] Speaker 3: and keep the door locked. Where are you going?
[5:48] Speaker 6: No, it's unlocked, all right.
[5:50] Speaker 4: Gee whiz, that's a little insulting, Molly. Walk over there
[5:54] Speaker 4: and try the door like that after I told you.
[5:56] Speaker 6: I'm sorry, McGee, but I just want the check. With
[5:59] Speaker 6: all the people walking by here today, you'd think somebody
[6:01] Speaker 6: would stop in. What's this hanging on the door?
[6:05] Speaker 3: Oh, all stores have got that, Molly.
[6:06] Speaker 4: It's just a sign that says open on one side
[6:08] Speaker 4: and closed on the other. That's so the people won't come... Oh,
[6:13] Speaker 4: my gosh, I forgot to turn it over.
[6:15] Speaker 3: No wonder business is so dull. I'll put the closed
[6:18] Speaker 3: sign on the open side and put the open side
[6:19] Speaker 3: on the closed side.
[6:20] Speaker 1: There's more fun with the McGee's shortly.
[6:33] Speaker 2: If you have children of school age or children who
[6:36] Speaker 2: will be entering a public school within the next few years,
[6:39] Speaker 2: you're naturally very concerned with conditions in our school system.
[6:42] Speaker 2: But it isn't a problem for parents alone. It should
[6:45] Speaker 2: concern everyone. It is estimated that by 1960, there will
[6:49] Speaker 2: be 8 million more children in our public schools than
[6:52] Speaker 2: there are now. Ways must be found to accommodate them
[6:55] Speaker 2: and preparations must begin now. More equipment, more textbooks, more schools,
[7:00] Speaker 2: more teachers will be needed. To help assure America's children
[7:03] Speaker 2: a proper education, join and work with local groups and
[7:06] Speaker 2: school boards now. And if you want free information about
[7:10] Speaker 2: the way people in other communities are improving their schools,
[7:13] Speaker 2: write to this address, Better Schools, 2 West 45th Street,
[7:17] Speaker 2: New York City. Remember, unless action is taken now, more
[7:20] Speaker 2: and more communities in the next few years will fall
[7:23] Speaker 2: even farther behind in their elementary school programs. for guidance
[7:26] Speaker 2: in what steps to take right better schools to West
[7:30] Speaker 2: 45th Street, New York City.
[7:32] Speaker 1: That's $ 1.
[7:36] Speaker 2: 35, sir. There's your change.
[7:38] Speaker 1: Drop in.
[7:41] Speaker 2: Again.
[7:42] Speaker 1: Okay.
[7:53] Speaker 6: McGee, I just made a sale, $ 1.
[7:55] Speaker 2: 35.
[7:55] Speaker 3: Please, Mrs. McGee, I'm busy with a customer right now.
[7:59] Speaker 6: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were so busy.
[8:01] Speaker 4: Now then, madam, let me check this order again. You
[8:06] Speaker 4: have a dozen pink ones, four in the light green,
[8:09] Speaker 4: eight red, and half a dozen brown in the large size.
[8:12] Speaker 3: Will that be all?
[8:14] Speaker 2: No.
[8:15] Speaker 5: No, I changed my mind, mister. Put them back and
[8:17] Speaker 5: give me all black ones.
[8:20] Speaker 2: Oh.
[8:20] Speaker 5: I like black jelly beans the best. I didn't know
[8:23] Speaker 5: you had black jelly beans, Mr.
[8:25] Speaker 6: McGee.
[8:26] Speaker 3: We don't have black jelly beans. We're all out, Teeny.
[8:29] Speaker 5: I see them right there, I betcha.
[8:32] Speaker 6: Black ones, there.
[8:33] Speaker 3: Those are the white ones you put back a while ago.
[8:36] Speaker 3: Four times.
[8:38] Speaker 2: Oh.
[8:39] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[8:39] Speaker 5: Gee, I don't want those dirty old things. You better
[8:42] Speaker 5: just give me three suckers, Mr.
[8:44] Speaker 6: McGee.
[8:45] Speaker 5: The wrapped ones, more sanitary.
[8:47] Speaker 3: Okay, here. Three suckers. That's six cents.
[8:52] Speaker 5: Don't I get an extra one? Miss Quilby always gives
[8:55] Speaker 5: me an extra sucker when I buy three because she
[8:58] Speaker 5: likes me, and.
[8:59] Speaker 3: Okay, okay, okay.
[9:01] Speaker 4: I can't spend all day on a six-cent sale, sis. Here,
[9:03] Speaker 4: here's an extra sucker.
[9:04] Speaker 3: Is that all, I hope? Oh, boy.
[9:08] Speaker 5: A red one.
[9:09] Speaker 3: Yeah, a red one.
[9:10] Speaker 5: Gee, you're wonderful to little children, Mr.
[9:13] Speaker 3: McGee, and I'm... Fine, fine.
[9:14] Speaker 4: Now, if you'll just let me have the six cents,
[9:16] Speaker 4: we'll finalize the whole financial transaction.
[9:18] Speaker 3: And I can get back to work.
[9:19] Speaker 5: What time is it?
[9:21] Speaker 3: At best four. Why?
[9:23] Speaker 2: Oh, gee.
[9:24] Speaker 5: I can't possibly eat four suckers before dinner, Mr.
[9:27] Speaker 1: McGee.
[9:28] Speaker 5: I'll just keep the extra one and you can put
[9:30] Speaker 5: the others back.
[9:31] Speaker 2: What?
[9:32] Speaker 5: I'll stop at Creamer's Drugstore and get an ice cream
[9:34] Speaker 5: cone with my six cents.
[9:36] Speaker 6: Why? I can eat ice.
[9:37] Speaker 5: Cream faster than four suckers.
[9:39] Speaker 4: Hey.
[9:39] Speaker 6: Thanks, Mr.
[9:40] Speaker 3: McGee.
[9:42] Speaker 2: Ah.
[9:42] Speaker 3: I still think that kid's a midget. Oh, well.
[9:47] Speaker 4: That's what comes from selling penny stuff. If I owned
[9:49] Speaker 4: this joint, I'd throw out the candy counter. Just keep
[9:53] Speaker 4: enough on hand to eat myself.
[9:55] Speaker 6: What'd you sell, McGee? I didn't hear the register.
[9:57] Speaker 3: That was Teenie. Oh, her.
[9:59] Speaker 6: Well, how much did it cost?
[10:00] Speaker 7: Cost us?
[10:00] Speaker 3: A big sucker.
[10:01] Speaker 6: Yes, you always were for Teenie, but how much did it... Oh,
[10:04] Speaker 6: a candy sucker.
[10:05] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[10:06] Speaker 4: You can't make any money fooling with kids. It's just goodwill,
[10:09] Speaker 4: that's all.
[10:10] Speaker 6: I made a couple of sales. We've got about $ 4
[10:12] Speaker 6: in the register.
[10:13] Speaker 4: Well, we ought to have $ 400.
[10:15] Speaker 3: You don't sell hard enough, Molly.
[10:16] Speaker 6: I gave them what they asked for.
[10:18] Speaker 4: Oh, you can't just give a customer what he asks for.
[10:20] Speaker 4: You gotta be scientific. Use the power of suggestion on them.
[10:24] Speaker 4: Whatever they want, suggest something else. Well, now, here comes
[10:27] Speaker 4: a customer.
[10:27] Speaker 3: You handle it.
[10:28] Speaker 2: Right.
[10:28] Speaker 4: Now, pay attention now to how I do it. Ah,
[10:31] Speaker 4: good afternoon, sir.
[10:31] Speaker 2: Welcome. Oh, hello there, kid. Hi, Johnny.
[10:34] Speaker 4: Hi, daughter.
[10:35] Speaker 6: Hello, Mr. Oldtimer.
[10:37] Speaker 1: Hi.
[10:37] Speaker 7: Never expected to run into you here. You and your
[10:40] Speaker 7: Christmas shop lifting early, Johnny?
[10:42] Speaker 2: Ha, ha, ha.
[10:43] Speaker 3: No, I'm in charge here, old-timer. I'm running this joint,
[10:46] Speaker 3: building up the business for Miss Quilby.
[10:48] Speaker 7: Well, from what I hear over at the market, it's
[10:50] Speaker 7: a pretty hopeless job. Seems like Miss Quilby's handled this
[10:53] Speaker 7: business the way you.
[10:54] Speaker 2: Handled your lunch, Johnny.
[10:55] Speaker 3: How do you mean?
[10:56] Speaker 7: Let it all go to pot. First I heard she
[11:03] Speaker 7: was ready to sell out fixtures and all for a
[11:05] Speaker 7: thousand bucks. Said she even saw in her car and
[11:08] Speaker 7: it's got four brand new tires.
[11:09] Speaker 4: Well, things are different around here since I took over.
[11:11] Speaker 4: All it takes is a little know-how.
[11:13] Speaker 7: Talking about know-how, you know how I can get waited
[11:16] Speaker 7: on around here? I just got paid and I'm hitching Dubai.
[11:19] Speaker 4: Well, I'll be happy to wait on you, sir. I
[11:22] Speaker 4: want to show Molly how the power of suggestion works anyway.
[11:24] Speaker 4: How to make a customer happy.
[11:25] Speaker 3: What do you want?
[11:27] Speaker 7: Just one item, son. Won't take long and I'll be
[11:29] Speaker 7: on my way. If you'll just reach me down that.
[11:31] Speaker 3: How about some razor blades?
[11:33] Speaker 4: Razor blades? You shave, don't you? Can always use razor blades.
[11:37] Speaker 7: Well, now you mention it, I could use some blades.
[11:40] Speaker 3: I'm out.
[11:41] Speaker 7: Ten cents size will do. Good.
[11:43] Speaker 4: Now just put them in this basket and walk around
[11:45] Speaker 4: the store with you. Probably a lot of things you'll need.
[11:47] Speaker 3: The End.
[11:55] Speaker 4: Razor blades, toothpaste, pencil, thumbtacks, shoelaces, and the beanie with
[12:04] Speaker 4: a propeller on it.
[12:05] Speaker 3: You sure that's all, old-timer?
[12:07] Speaker 7: I guess that's it, Johnny. Everything else I either got
[12:10] Speaker 7: or can borrow.
[12:11] Speaker 3: You see what the power of suggestion does, Molly?
[12:13] Speaker 6: You're quite a salesman.
[12:14] Speaker 3: Okay. That'll be $ 1. 20, old-timer.
[12:20] Speaker 6: There you are.
[12:20] Speaker 3: Here's your change.
[12:22] Speaker 7: Oh, jump and sassafras and cry imminently. I'm afraid you'll
[12:26] Speaker 7: have to take all this stuff back, Johnny.
[12:28] Speaker 3: Take it back? Oh, no, you don't.
[12:30] Speaker 4: All sales are final. Your money's already rung up and
[12:32] Speaker 4: in the register.
[12:33] Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
[12:35] Speaker 6: Oh, shucks.
[12:36] Speaker 7: I didn't get what I come in here for, son.
[12:39] Speaker 6: I'm afraid McGee got you a little confused with his salesmanship.
[12:42] Speaker 6: What was it you wanted?
[12:43] Speaker 3: Oh, it don't matter now.
[12:45] Speaker 7: It's too late anyhow.
[12:46] Speaker 3: What do you mean?
[12:47] Speaker 7: Oh, I've been saving to buy that $ 15 ivory chess
[12:50] Speaker 7: set there in the window, but now I'm $ 1.
[12:52] Speaker 2: 20 short.
[12:53] Speaker 4: What?
[12:53] Speaker 7: Took me eight months to save it up, too.
[12:55] Speaker 6: Heavenly day.
[12:56] Speaker 3: Well, don't fret, kids.
[12:58] Speaker 7: I'll be back for it again by Christmas and maybe
[13:00] Speaker 7: even sooner if somebody leaves me some money.
[13:02] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[13:02] Speaker 7: But in the meantime, don't let anybody buy it.
[13:15] Speaker 2: We'll say goodnight to Fibber and Molly in a moment.
[13:18] Speaker 2: Comedy entertainment is what you'll enjoy most tomorrow evening when
[13:21] Speaker 2: you set your dial to this station for fun with
[13:23] Speaker 2: Bob Hope and Phil Harris and Alice Faye. Bob presents
[13:27] Speaker 2: another famous guest personality in his drama section, and the
[13:30] Speaker 2: laughs come thick and fast as together they satirize the situation.
[13:34] Speaker 2: On the musical side, you'll hear Les Brown and his
[13:36] Speaker 2: band of renown as well as singing star Margaret Whiting.
[13:39] Speaker 2: That's the Bob Hope Show, strictly for laughs, tomorrow. And
[13:43] Speaker 2: then stay tuned for more mirth-quaking entertainment on the laugh-packed
[13:47] Speaker 2: Phil Harris and Alice Faye show. Elliot Lewis and Julius
[13:50] Speaker 2: Abruzzio help build up the hilarity, and Phil tops it
[13:53] Speaker 2: off with his chuckling good comedy interpretations. As well as mirth,
[13:56] Speaker 2: there's music on the show, and Phil and Alice each
[13:59] Speaker 2: bring you their own stylings of some of the nation's
[14:01] Speaker 2: finest songs. For the finest of all comedy entertainment, tune
[14:04] Speaker 2: here tomorrow night for fun with Bob Hope, Bill Harris
[14:07] Speaker 2: and Alice Faye, and of course with America's favorites, Fibber
[14:10] Speaker 2: McGee and Bollie. Friday night is another of the top
[14:13] Speaker 2: evenings packed with great radio entertainment on the NBC Radio Network.
[14:24] Speaker 4: I'm just trying to build up business, Molly, that's all.
[14:26] Speaker 4: We've got to draw attention to the store, get people
[14:28] Speaker 4: talking about it, attract the crowd.
[14:30] Speaker 7: No.
[14:31] Speaker 3: You don't like it, huh? Be great publicity.
[14:32] Speaker 6: McGee, if you think I'm going to jump out of
[14:34] Speaker 6: an airplane in broad daylight with a parachute that says, prices, too,
[14:38] Speaker 6: come down at Quilby's, that's the stupidest.
[14:41] Speaker 2: Thing I ever.
[14:41] Speaker 3: Okay, okay, don't get disturbed, my dear.
[14:44] Speaker 2: Well.
[14:45] Speaker 3: I'll think of something. Good night.
[14:48] Speaker 6: Good night, all.
[14:56] Speaker 2: NBC has brought you the Fibber McGee and Molly program
[14:59] Speaker 2: transcribed with Bill Thompson as the old timer. This is
[15:02] Speaker 2: John Wald inviting you to be with us again tomorrow
[15:05] Speaker 2: night for another visit with Fibber McGee and Molly.
[15:22] Speaker 7: This Saturday, hear your roadshow with Bill Cullen on the
[15:25] Speaker 7: NBC Radio Network.
[15:34] Speaker 1: This has been Fibber McGee and Molly, Business is Dull.
[15:38] Speaker 1: Follow Fibber McGee and Molly for more classic broadcasts.

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