# Fibber McGee and Molly - "Tall Story Contest" (Old Time Radio, 1946)

An episode of [Fibber McGee and Molly | Old Time Radio](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1858238532), 5 Oct 2026, 30 min.

Audio: https://dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/api.spreaker.com/download/episode/75580819/045b27fabfed9bd3_mastered.mp3

Fibber McGee and Molly presents “Tall Story Contest,” episode 460 of the classic radio comedy, originally broadcast on January 1, 1946. Jim Jordan stars as Fibber McGee alongside Marian Jordan as Molly, with Harlow Wilcox as announcer. On New Year’s Day in Wistful Vista, Fibber faces a same-day deadline for the Elks Club’s annual tall-story contest—and its $100 first prize. As Molly and familiar neighbors offer encouragement, Fibber wrestles with a typewriter and the challenge of turning one of his legendary yarns into a contest-winning tale. Written by Don Quinn and Phil Leslie, the NBC broadcast was sponsored by Johnson’s Wax. Fibber McGee and Molly presents the original broadcast with a newly produced contextual introduction, a short closing announcement, and gently cleaned/mastered audio for a more consistent listening experience. Chapters: 00:00 Victor Sterling Introduction 00:43 Original Broadcast 30:12 Closing Support Old Time Retro Radio at https://www.patreon.com/oldtimeretroradio

## Transcript

[0:00] Speaker 1: New Year's Day finds Fibber McGee facing a same-day deadline
[0:04] Speaker 1: and a $ 100 first prize for the Elks Club's annual
[0:07] Speaker 1: tall story contest. At 79 Wistful Vista, Molly and several
[0:13] Speaker 1: familiar neighbors encourage Fibber to put one of his extravagant
[0:16] Speaker 1: yarns on paper, while the typewriter and that ticking deadline
[0:20] Speaker 1: demand his attention. From January 1st, 1946, this is episode
[0:26] Speaker 1: 460 of Fibber McGee and Molly, with Jim and Marion
[0:30] Speaker 1: Jordan as the McGees, written by Don Quinn and Phil Leslie.
[0:35] Speaker 1: Harlow Wilcox is at the microphone with the King's Men
[0:38] Speaker 1: and the Billy Mills Orchestra. We now take you back
[0:41] Speaker 1: to the original broadcast.
[0:43] Speaker 2: The Johnson Wax Program with Fibber McGee and Molly. Yeah!
[0:55] Speaker 2: The makers of Johnson's Wax products for home and industry
[0:58] Speaker 2: present Fibber McGee and Molly, written by Don Quinn and
[1:01] Speaker 2: Phil Leslie, with music by the Kingsmen and Billy Mills Orchestra.
[1:29] Speaker 2: All up and down the country today, friends have been
[1:31] Speaker 2: dropping in on other friends exchanging New Year's greetings. It's
[1:35] Speaker 2: a proud moment, isn't it, when your guests compliment you
[1:37] Speaker 2: on the beauty of your home? Well, you can always
[1:40] Speaker 2: count on a compliment like that if you use the
[1:42] Speaker 2: wax method of housekeeping. Fact is, it's quite amazing how wax,
[1:46] Speaker 2: genuine Johnson's wax, touches off the real beauty of the
[1:49] Speaker 2: lovely things in your home. Waxed floors shine proudly with
[1:53] Speaker 2: a new beauty. The wax polish gives a lovely luster
[1:56] Speaker 2: to furniture and woodwork, too. And it brings out the
[1:58] Speaker 2: beautiful grain. Picture frames and ornaments and leather articles grow
[2:02] Speaker 2: lovelier each time you wax them. You see, Johnson Wax
[2:06] Speaker 2: things have a satin smooth surface that doesn't collect dust.
[2:09] Speaker 2: It's easy to keep clean. And because of its protective qualities,
[2:13] Speaker 2: a coating of wax adds to their length of life.
[2:16] Speaker 2: Why not have a lovelier home in 1946 with Johnson's Wax?
[2:46] Speaker 2: For non-professionals, there are three different approaches to typewriting. Hunt
[2:51] Speaker 2: and peck, hope and hit, poke and pray. And here
[2:55] Speaker 2: at 79 West Provista, we find the squire combining the
[2:59] Speaker 2: worst features of each. As we meet, Phyllis McGee and Molly.
[3:10] Speaker 3: Thank you. I can see why Remington makes guns as
[3:16] Speaker 3: well as typewriters.
[3:17] Speaker 2: If you don't type.
[3:19] Speaker 3: Any better than I do, you can shoot yourself. Let's
[3:23] Speaker 3: see what I got. One day in Africa, during a
[3:26] Speaker 3: kangaroo trapping expedition... McGee, have you got time to help
[3:30] Speaker 3: me with.
[3:31] Speaker 4: Oh, still at the typewriter, huh?
[3:33] Speaker 3: Yeah, and you know what? I now got two pinkies
[3:35] Speaker 3: on each hand. My forefingers are worn down to the
[3:38] Speaker 3: second knuckle.
[3:39] Speaker 5: Oh.
[3:40] Speaker 4: What are you doing? Writing yourself an anonymous letter? No.
[3:44] Speaker 3: I'm writing out my entry into a contest.
[3:46] Speaker 4: Oh, heavenly days.
[3:47] Speaker 3: Another one?
[3:48] Speaker 4: What is it this time?
[3:49] Speaker 3: I'm writing a story. A story?
[3:50] Speaker 2: Yep.
[3:51] Speaker 4: Long or short? Tall. Tall, huh?
[3:58] Speaker 2: Yep.
[3:58] Speaker 3: Tall story contest at the Elks Club. A hundred bucks
[4:01] Speaker 3: first prize. Entry's got to be in by five o'clock tonight.
[4:03] Speaker 4: Well, good for you, dearie.
[4:04] Speaker 5: Yep.
[4:05] Speaker 4: You might as well cash in on that talent as
[4:07] Speaker 4: give it away to your friends for free.
[4:08] Speaker 2: Yep.
[4:10] Speaker 4: Your only rival for tall stories is the Empire State Building.
[4:14] Speaker 3: That's what all the guys at the Elks Club say, too,
[4:16] Speaker 3: and they've all got big bets on me to win.
[4:18] Speaker 4: Well, why not? You're a saint. Mind if I read
[4:21] Speaker 4: what you've written?
[4:22] Speaker 3: No, no, go ahead.
[4:23] Speaker 4: Okay. Tales Theory by Fibber, one half, dollar sign, two smudges, McGreeve.
[4:36] Speaker 3: You'd better let me read it. My typing ain't very clean.
[4:38] Speaker 4: You're not kidding, sweetheart. This looks like you'd gallop a
[4:41] Speaker 4: typewriter with four wooden mallets like a xylophone.
[4:44] Speaker 3: It says, tall story by Fibber McGee.
[4:47] Speaker 4: That's fine, dearie. Very good.
[4:49] Speaker 3: Well, wait till you hear it.
[4:50] Speaker 2: There's more.
[4:51] Speaker 4: Oh, pardon me.
[4:53] Speaker 3: One day in Africa, during a kangaroo trapping expedition.
[4:56] Speaker 2: Well, aside from the.
[4:57] Speaker 4: Fact there are no kangaroos in Africa, I think it's fine.
[5:01] Speaker 4: Read the rest of it.
[5:02] Speaker 2: That's all I got.
[5:04] Speaker 3: I can't think of a good yarn. Oh, nonsense.
[5:06] Speaker 4: You've got a million of.
[5:07] Speaker 2: Them, dearie.
[5:08] Speaker 4: How about the one you told the milkman this very morning? What?
[5:11] Speaker 4: About how you used to drive a milk wagon and
[5:13] Speaker 4: your horse was so smart, he not only knew all
[5:16] Speaker 4: the customers, but used to read the newspapers to see
[5:18] Speaker 4: if anybody knew had moved into the neighborhood?
[5:24] Speaker 3: Oh, they don't want true stories.
[5:30] Speaker 6: I see.
[5:31] Speaker 3: Besides, there's something about writing them down on paper that
[5:33] Speaker 3: defeats me. They don't look reasonable. I think I better
[5:36] Speaker 3: start all over. Now, one day, when I was deep
[5:46] Speaker 3: sea fishing at Acapulco. Hey, how do you spell Acapulco?
[5:49] Speaker 4: Where is it?
[5:50] Speaker 3: I don't know.
[5:51] Speaker 4: Well, make it Havana.
[5:52] Speaker 2: Oh.
[5:53] Speaker 4: You can copy that off your cigar band.
[5:55] Speaker 3: Good idea. Deep sea fishing at Havana, Florida.
[6:02] Speaker 4: Why, Havana's in Cuba.
[6:04] Speaker 3: Since when?
[6:05] Speaker 4: Well, that I couldn't say, dearie. I only know that.
[6:07] Speaker 2: Hello, Mr. McGee.
[6:08] Speaker 4: Oh, am I interrupting your work, Mr.
[6:09] Speaker 6: McGee?
[6:10] Speaker 3: Oh, not at all, Alice. I'm never bothered by minor disturbances.
[6:12] Speaker 4: Well, I'm not a minor disturbance, Mr.
[6:14] Speaker 2: McGee.
[6:15] Speaker 4: I was 21 last October.
[6:16] Speaker 6: Oh, my.
[6:22] Speaker 4: He's writing a tall story for the Elks Club contest, Alice. Oh, creepers,
[6:27] Speaker 4: isn't that wonderful? Maybe he could even write a novel
[6:30] Speaker 4: or a play or something sometime.
[6:32] Speaker 3: What do you mean I could write a play or
[6:33] Speaker 3: a novel or something sometime? I got one almost finished
[6:36] Speaker 3: right now. I'm calling it Life with My Father.
[6:41] Speaker 4: There is a play by that name, McGee. Very successful, too.
[6:44] Speaker 2: What? Life with my father?
[6:46] Speaker 4: No, it's just called Life with Father.
[6:49] Speaker 3: Well, how do you like that? You think up an idea,
[6:52] Speaker 3: somebody takes it, changes one word, and you got no
[6:55] Speaker 3: legal protection whatsoever.
[6:58] Speaker 4: I think playwriting is horribly interesting. I go out once
[7:01] Speaker 4: in a while with a fellow that he's a playwright.
[7:03] Speaker 4: He's kind of a Noel coward.
[7:05] Speaker 2: He is, eh?
[7:06] Speaker 4: Yes. He'd like to write like Noel, but he's afraid.
[7:09] Speaker 7: Ha!
[7:12] Speaker 3: I'll never forget one time in New York, the theater
[7:13] Speaker 3: guild come to me and asked me to write a
[7:15] Speaker 3: show for them.
[7:15] Speaker 4: I suppose Elmer Rice was busy at the time, being
[7:18] Speaker 4: thrown at a wedding party.
[7:26] Speaker 3: I was kind of a Broadway playboy in them days,
[7:28] Speaker 3: which is why they wanted me to write a Broadway play,
[7:30] Speaker 3: I suppose.
[7:30] Speaker 2: Well, Max?
[7:31] Speaker 3: They offered me $ 100, 000 and a tryout in Washington, D.C.
[7:35] Speaker 4: Would that be called capital gain, dearie?
[7:39] Speaker 3: It would have if they'd ever seen it. But I
[7:41] Speaker 3: found out just in time they wanted a play to
[7:43] Speaker 3: be called Alabama so they could pay me off in
[7:45] Speaker 3: Confederate money. So I nixed the DLC and they got
[7:50] Speaker 3: a kid named Hammerstein to do one called Oklahoma. I
[7:53] Speaker 3: understand it's going to make expenses, too.
[7:56] Speaker 4: Make expenses? They sell tickets for it in jewelry stores. Well,
[8:00] Speaker 4: I'll let you get to work, Mr. McGee. I've got
[8:02] Speaker 4: to get downtown anyway. I have a luncheon date with Geraldine.
[8:05] Speaker 4: Who's Geraldine? Oh, Geraldine is the mounted policeman who directs
[8:09] Speaker 4: traffic at 14th and Oak Street on the Big Brown
[8:11] Speaker 4: Horse's sister.
[8:13] Speaker 2: Oh, I see.
[8:14] Speaker 4: Well, good luck with it, Mr.
[8:16] Speaker 2: McGee. Billy Mills and the orchestra and two guitars. Oh,
[9:15] Speaker 2: my God.
[10:09] Speaker 3: Ah, dead wretches, dead wretches.
[10:11] Speaker 4: Well, how are you coming along with your tall story?
[10:14] Speaker 2: Oh, terrible.
[10:14] Speaker 3: I can't think of anything to write. I had a
[10:16] Speaker 3: wonderful start on this one, too, but it petered out.
[10:18] Speaker 4: What was it?
[10:18] Speaker 3: It was about the time I flew a balloon over
[10:20] Speaker 3: Mount Vesuvius while it was erupting.
[10:22] Speaker 4: Oh, why, that sounds very interesting. Why didn't you go
[10:25] Speaker 4: on with it? I couldn't.
[10:26] Speaker 3: The balloon caught fire in the third line, and I
[10:28] Speaker 3: got killed. Well, I had more imagination. I could win
[10:32] Speaker 3: this thing hands down.
[10:33] Speaker 4: Come in. Oh, hello there, Mrs. Carstairs. Do come in.
[10:37] Speaker 4: How do you do, my dear?
[10:40] Speaker 8: Working on the typewriter, Mr. McGee? Who, me?
[10:43] Speaker 3: Oh, no, no, Carstie. I'm teaching a sea lion to
[10:46] Speaker 3: play the 1812 overture on a police whistle. And if
[10:52] Speaker 3: you'll pardon my mentioning it, your skirt is split down
[10:55] Speaker 3: the middle.
[10:56] Speaker 4: This, Mr. McGee, is a divided skirt.
[10:58] Speaker 3: That's what I said.
[11:02] Speaker 4: I have just come from a horseback ride in the park. Oh,
[11:05] Speaker 4: I've seen you riding, Millicent, and I must say you
[11:08] Speaker 4: have a wonderful seat on a horse.
[11:10] Speaker 2: McGee.
[11:15] Speaker 3: You quite an equestrianarian, Carstie?
[11:17] Speaker 4: Well, I rather fancy that I am, Mr.
[11:19] Speaker 2: McGee.
[11:19] Speaker 4: I've taken several blue ribbons at horse shows.
[11:22] Speaker 3: Judge is nearsighted, or were you whinnying at me?
[11:27] Speaker 4: Now, McGee, don't be so rude. Oh, I know he's
[11:31] Speaker 4: just joking, my dear. As a matter of fact, Mr. McGee,
[11:35] Speaker 4: when Roy Rogers had his last rodeo at Madison Square Garden,
[11:39] Speaker 4: he made me a splendid offer. My goodness, did he really, Millicent?
[11:42] Speaker 4: What was his offer? Ten dollars for my hat.
[11:44] Speaker 3: He said it frightened Trigger. Used to be quite a
[11:48] Speaker 3: horseman myself, Carsey. Had quite a string of polo ponies
[11:51] Speaker 3: at one time.
[11:52] Speaker 2: Really? What happened to them?
[11:53] Speaker 4: The string broke.
[11:55] Speaker 2: Oh!
[11:59] Speaker 3: I even used to ride bareback in a circus with him.
[12:01] Speaker 3: Funny thing happened in connection with that, too, recently, too.
[12:03] Speaker 3: I happen to be in Indianapolis. You know Indianapolis, Carsty?
[12:08] Speaker 4: Oh, indeed I do.
[12:09] Speaker 7: It was named after one of my ancestors, an Indian
[12:12] Speaker 7: who'd gone to Annapolis.
[12:14] Speaker 4: That's very interesting.
[12:18] Speaker 2: Yeah, I.
[12:19] Speaker 3: Well, you know the big circle down there in Indianapolis? Well,
[12:21] Speaker 3: I was walking along there one day, and I'd seen
[12:23] Speaker 3: two of the horses from my old circus act from
[12:25] Speaker 3: 20 years ago, and they were harnessed to a beer truck. Well, sir,
[12:29] Speaker 3: the minute they seen me, they started snorting for joy.
[12:31] Speaker 3: They tossed their heads and arched their necks and started
[12:34] Speaker 3: galloping around the circle, round and round and round.
[12:36] Speaker 7: Oh, wasn't that delightful?
[12:38] Speaker 4: I suppose it had been years since they'd seen a clown.
[12:41] Speaker 3: So what does I do but I throws off my overcoat,
[12:45] Speaker 3: steps out of my shoes and leaps onto their backs.
[12:48] Speaker 3: And for 20 minutes we galloped around that circle, me
[12:50] Speaker 3: jumping on and off, turning triple somersaults, handsprings and flip-flops.
[12:54] Speaker 4: Well, after 20 years, I imagine a lot of your
[12:56] Speaker 4: flips were.
[12:57] Speaker 2: Flops, huh?
[12:59] Speaker 3: But I'd forgot I didn't have any rosin on my feet,
[13:02] Speaker 3: and I slipped on one of their rumps and whammo,
[13:04] Speaker 3: everything went black.
[13:05] Speaker 9: Oh, were you knocked unconscious, Mr.
[13:06] Speaker 4: McGee? I mean, more so than usual?
[13:10] Speaker 2: No, I wasn't, Carsty.
[13:12] Speaker 3: I flew through the air right into a keep-our-city-clean box,
[13:16] Speaker 3: and the lid fell on me.
[13:18] Speaker 4: Hasn't himself here had the most fascinating experiences, Millicent? Simply astounding,
[13:24] Speaker 4: my dear. Sometime when you have a free hour, Mr. McGee,
[13:27] Speaker 4: I should like to hear more of your circus stories.
[13:29] Speaker 3: Why, sure, Carsey, anytime. Shall I give you a ring?
[13:31] Speaker 4: Well, under the circumstances, give me three rings. Good day,
[13:35] Speaker 4: my dear. Why not use that, McGee?
[13:44] Speaker 2: Huh? Use what?
[13:46] Speaker 4: Use that circus story as your tall story for the
[13:48] Speaker 4: Elks Club contest.
[13:49] Speaker 3: Oh, my gosh, kiddo, I can't do that.
[13:51] Speaker 2: Why not?
[13:52] Speaker 3: Why, those horses may still be living. I wouldn't want
[13:56] Speaker 3: to embarrass them. Boy, this is a tough assignment, you know.
[13:59] Speaker 3: I can't dream up any fantastic stories.
[14:01] Speaker 4: Well, now, you'd better, McGee.
[14:02] Speaker 3: If all those men at the Elks have bet big
[14:05] Speaker 3: money on you. Yeah, that scares me, too.
[14:06] Speaker 4: You know what? I talked to Mrs. Toops on the phone,
[14:09] Speaker 4: and she said her husband said all the Elks are
[14:11] Speaker 4: betting their teeth on you. My gosh, I don't... Sure,
[14:16] Speaker 4: they say you're a three-to-one shot. Or a three-to-one-to-get shot,
[14:19] Speaker 4: I forget which.
[14:21] Speaker 3: Well, all gone, and I just can't think of any
[14:23] Speaker 3: wild yarns. I sit here and stare at this blank
[14:25] Speaker 3: paper and nothing.
[14:26] Speaker 2: Hello, folks.
[14:27] Speaker 3: Oh, hi, Junior.
[14:28] Speaker 4: Hello, Mr. Wilcox.
[14:29] Speaker 2: Feliz año nuevo, amigos.
[14:31] Speaker 3: No, thanks, Junior. We haven't used up the old can yet.
[14:39] Speaker 4: No, no, McGee. That was Happy New Year in Spanish,
[14:42] Speaker 4: I think.
[14:43] Speaker 3: Wasn't it, Mr.
[14:43] Speaker 4: Wilcox?
[14:43] Speaker 2: Sure. I picked up quite a bit of Spanish when
[14:45] Speaker 2: I was deep-sea fishing down in Acapulco.
[14:47] Speaker 3: Deep-sea fishing in Acapulco, eh?
[14:49] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[14:49] Speaker 3: You're just the guy I wanted to see, Junie. How
[14:51] Speaker 3: do you spell it?
[14:52] Speaker 2: D-E-P-S-E-A-F-I-S-H. No, no.
[14:55] Speaker 4: He means Acapulco.
[14:57] Speaker 2: Oh, oh, I don't know. I never paid any attention
[14:59] Speaker 2: to the spelling. You see, I was down there with
[15:01] Speaker 2: a bunch of Johnson Wax salesmen.
[15:03] Speaker 3: I'll bet you were, Waxy. And I'll bet all you
[15:07] Speaker 3: sportsmen made an agreement not to talk shop on the
[15:09] Speaker 3: whole trip, too, didn't you?
[15:10] Speaker 2: We sure did, Mac. For five whole days, not a
[15:13] Speaker 2: word was said about fishing. All we talked about was
[15:16] Speaker 2: Johnson's Wags.
[15:17] Speaker 4: Ah, it's a great topic in the tropics.
[15:20] Speaker 2: Yes, we swapped experiences about how we'd sold way over
[15:23] Speaker 2: our quotas of Johnson's Wax. How housewives loved it because
[15:26] Speaker 2: it gave their homes that immaculate, shining appearance. Yeah. How
[15:29] Speaker 2: it made housekeeping so much easier because dust and dirt
[15:32] Speaker 2: can't cling to a Johnson Waxed surface.
[15:34] Speaker 3: I was deep sea fishing down in Acapulco once.
[15:36] Speaker 2: And how a proud housekeeper kept finding new uses for
[15:39] Speaker 2: Johnson's Wax. Floors, furniture, woodwork, picture frames, lampshades, window shades,
[15:44] Speaker 2: Venetian blinds, luggage, banisters.
[15:46] Speaker 3: We were trolling for tuning, Steve.
[15:47] Speaker 6: Ha, ha, ha.
[15:49] Speaker 3: We were trolling for tuna, and I had about a
[15:51] Speaker 3: half a mile of line out.
[15:52] Speaker 4: And with your line, you could spare it.
[15:57] Speaker 3: Well, sure, suddenly I got a bite. I scratches it quick,
[16:00] Speaker 3: and then like a flash... Like a flash, I reels in.
[16:06] Speaker 3: It was a terrific battle. But finally, I reaches over
[16:08] Speaker 3: the side with my gaff, and what do you suppose
[16:10] Speaker 3: I'd caught? A guy in a bathing suit with water
[16:12] Speaker 3: wings on him.
[16:14] Speaker 4: How exasperating.
[16:15] Speaker 3: Not at all, as it turned out. I yanked the
[16:17] Speaker 3: guy on board and I says, I'm sorry, bud, I
[16:19] Speaker 3: thought you were a tuna. He says, I am. I'm
[16:22] Speaker 3: a piano tuna. Chuck's just a holiday.
[16:31] Speaker 2: Well, excuse me, pal. I've got to get going. I
[16:36] Speaker 2: just stopped in to see how you were coming with
[16:38] Speaker 2: your entry for the Elk's Tall Story Contest.
[16:40] Speaker 4: Well, he's a little discouraged about it, Mr.
[16:42] Speaker 3: Wilcox. I can't seem to think of a thing, Junior.
[16:44] Speaker 2: Well, keep pitching, Mac. And remember, the deadline is 5 o'clock.
[16:48] Speaker 3: Ain't that awful, Molly? The deadline is 5 o'clock.
[16:51] Speaker 4: Well, how much have you got written?
[16:52] Speaker 3: All I got so far is this. An amazing thing
[16:56] Speaker 3: happened to me when I was a cabin boy on
[16:58] Speaker 3: a 12-masted schooner bound round the horn. Bound round the horn?
[17:02] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[17:04] Speaker 3: I got my nose all cut up in a fright
[17:05] Speaker 3: and I had it all bandaged up.
[17:08] Speaker 4: Well, what's the story of the 12-masted schooner?
[17:10] Speaker 3: I'm darned if I know. I just don't seem to
[17:12] Speaker 3: be able to make up imaginary stuff. Maybe I better
[17:14] Speaker 3: start fresh and... Oh, my gosh. How can a guy
[17:17] Speaker 3: get his work done? Our threshold has been crossed more
[17:20] Speaker 3: times today than Southern California's goal line. Come in.
[17:32] Speaker 4: Oh, hello there, Dr.
[17:33] Speaker 2: Gamble.
[17:34] Speaker 4: Do come in.
[17:34] Speaker 2: Hello, Molly. Good afternoon, gargoyle.
[17:39] Speaker 3: For a doctor, Arrowsmith, you've got an awful ignorant way
[17:41] Speaker 3: of pronouncing gargle. What can we do for you? Break
[17:45] Speaker 3: a leg?
[17:45] Speaker 7: No, I'm a committee of one sent by the more
[17:47] Speaker 7: sporting members of the Elks Club to pick up your story, McGee.
[17:51] Speaker 7: Got it ready?
[17:51] Speaker 4: Oh, heavenly dear.
[17:52] Speaker 3: Gee whiz, Doc, I'm in a spot. No kidding. I
[17:54] Speaker 3: haven't been able to think of a thing. My imagination
[17:57] Speaker 3: is drier than a Kansas tea room.
[17:59] Speaker 7: But you better think of something, Bilge Pump, for I
[18:02] Speaker 7: know seven underworld characters, including me, who will tear your
[18:05] Speaker 7: head off and throw it in your face.
[18:07] Speaker 4: Personally, I have.
[18:08] Speaker 7: Wagered $ 65 in folding money, four appendectomies, two adhesions, and
[18:13] Speaker 7: a basal metabolism on you.
[18:15] Speaker 2: Go on, concentrate.
[18:17] Speaker 4: Do what the doctor says, McGee. Concentrate.
[18:19] Speaker 2: Maybe he doesn't know how to concentrate.
[18:21] Speaker 3: Certainly I know how to concentrate. My gosh, I spent
[18:24] Speaker 3: six years in India studying to be a faker, didn't I?
[18:26] Speaker 4: And 40 years in this country.
[18:31] Speaker 2: Betcha.
[18:32] Speaker 3: I learned how to sit on a board full of
[18:33] Speaker 3: nails all day long and just concentrate.
[18:36] Speaker 4: Didn't it hurt, McGee?
[18:37] Speaker 3: Not after I learned the secret of how to do it.
[18:38] Speaker 3: Then I could sit on them nails all day and
[18:41] Speaker 3: never feel a twinge.
[18:43] Speaker 2: And what was the secret, Master?
[18:45] Speaker 7: Mind over matter or a heavy girdle over the derriere?
[18:51] Speaker 3: It was very simple. Just drive the nails into the
[18:54] Speaker 3: board and flatten them out. It's only the points that
[18:57] Speaker 3: hurt you.
[18:59] Speaker 4: Simple when you know the trick, isn't it?
[19:01] Speaker 7: You must show us the Indian rope trick sometime, faker.
[19:04] Speaker 7: I'll buy the rope if you'll climb up it and disappear.
[19:07] Speaker 7: For good.
[19:08] Speaker 2: And furthermore.
[19:09] Speaker 3: I'll get it.
[19:10] Speaker 4: I'll get it. I'll get it.
[19:12] Speaker 7: Hello, Gamble speaking.
[19:14] Speaker 1: Who?
[19:15] Speaker 2: Oh, yes.
[19:16] Speaker 7: Yes. Well, I'll be over there as soon as I can, Ray.
[19:19] Speaker 7: In the meantime, take two five-grain headache tablets and apply
[19:22] Speaker 7: cold compresses.
[19:24] Speaker 2: And don't worry about it, Ray.
[19:25] Speaker 7: You're not the first person who's lost one.
[19:27] Speaker 8: Bye.
[19:28] Speaker 6: Bye.
[19:29] Speaker 4: Lost what, doctor? A weekend.
[19:32] Speaker 3: McGee, do you know what time it is?
[19:36] Speaker 6: 4.30.
[19:36] Speaker 3: Where's that tall story? Oh, my gosh, Doc, I can't... Well,
[19:40] Speaker 3: gee whiz, this simply isn't my.
[19:41] Speaker 4: McGee, they're all depending on you, though.
[19:43] Speaker 7: You better get with it, bug face, or your life
[19:45] Speaker 7: won't be worth ten cents' worth of Hiroshima real estate.
[19:47] Speaker 3: Well, doggone it, I.
[19:48] Speaker 4: Don't know what to do. Hey.
[19:50] Speaker 3: Huh? Wait a minute.
[19:52] Speaker 2: Yeah, I do, too.
[19:54] Speaker 3: I know what to do.
[19:55] Speaker 4: Well, write it out quick, boy. Good for you, McGee.
[19:58] Speaker 3: I'll fix him.
[19:59] Speaker 7: Why, you leave these things to last.
[20:00] Speaker 2: In an anyhow.
[20:02] Speaker 4: Look at how fast he's going.
[20:03] Speaker 2: Maybe you have a to-do. There.
[20:06] Speaker 3: Hurry up.
[20:06] Speaker 2: Give it here, McGee.
[20:08] Speaker 4: All right.
[20:09] Speaker 7: Come on, give it to me.
[20:10] Speaker 3: Wait a minute, where's an envelope?
[20:11] Speaker 4: Here, McGee.
[20:12] Speaker 3: Thanks.
[20:13] Speaker 2: Okay, Doc, give him that. Thanks, son.
[20:15] Speaker 7: I knew you'd come through. Now listen in to WVIS
[20:17] Speaker 7: at 6.30. They'll announce the winner.
[20:19] Speaker 4: I knew he could do it, Doctor.
[20:20] Speaker 9: So did I.
[20:21] Speaker 2: He's got more tall tales than a herd of giraffes.
[20:24] Speaker 2: The King's Men sing, I don't care if I never
[20:35] Speaker 2: go to bed.
[20:37] Speaker 5: I love music and crowded places.
[20:39] Speaker 2: I love people and such. I love singing and smiling faces.
[20:45] Speaker 5: Love to stay awake too much.
[20:47] Speaker 4: Oh, I don't care if I never go to bed.
[20:50] Speaker 5: Never go to bed.
[20:52] Speaker 9: Never go to bed.
[20:54] Speaker 5: I don't care if I never go to bed.
[20:56] Speaker 2: Because I'm having such a darn good time. I don't
[21:00] Speaker 2: care if I never.
[21:01] Speaker 5: Hit the hay.
[21:02] Speaker 2: Never hit the hay.
[21:05] Speaker 4: I don't care.
[21:06] Speaker 2: If I never hit the hay, cause the night is
[21:08] Speaker 2: young and I feel fine.
[21:10] Speaker 5: It must be somebody's birthday or anniversary.
[21:16] Speaker 6: And that's a very.
[21:17] Speaker 5: Good reason to sing this song with me.
[21:22] Speaker 4: Oh, I don't care if I.
[21:24] Speaker 2: Never go to bed.
[21:25] Speaker 5: Never go to bed, never go to bed. I don't
[21:29] Speaker 5: care if I never go to bed, cause I'm having
[21:31] Speaker 5: such a.
[21:32] Speaker 2: Darn good time.
[21:40] Speaker 4: I don't care if I never wink or sleep.
[21:42] Speaker 2: Pardon me, I mean never sleep or wink. I don't
[21:46] Speaker 2: care cause I'm feeling in the pink. Having such a
[21:49] Speaker 2: darn good time. I don't care if I never snooze
[21:53] Speaker 2: or take.
[21:54] Speaker 5: Pardon me, I mean.
[21:56] Speaker 2: Never take a snooze.
[21:57] Speaker 5: I don't care cause I'm doing what I choose. Having
[22:01] Speaker 5: such a darn good time.
[22:03] Speaker 9: I want to door all the ring bells.
[22:06] Speaker 2: I'm feeling young and gay.
[22:12] Speaker 5: And like the dance away I don't care if I
[22:17] Speaker 5: never let you go Pardon me, I mean this is
[22:20] Speaker 5: what I said I don't care if I never go
[22:23] Speaker 5: to bed Having such a long.
[22:41] Speaker 4: Well, what are you looking so gloomy about, McGee? You
[22:43] Speaker 4: came through with a tall tale, didn't you?
[22:45] Speaker 2: No, I didn't.
[22:46] Speaker 3: I came through with mine between my legs.
[22:49] Speaker 4: What do you mean?
[22:50] Speaker 3: I didn't send the elks a story. I just sent
[22:52] Speaker 3: my apologies. Told them I just couldn't handle it, that's all.
[22:55] Speaker 4: Oh, heavenly days. And all those people who'd bet on you, too.
[22:57] Speaker 3: I know, I know. I feel like a dog. Gee whiz, Molly,
[23:01] Speaker 3: I just can't sit down at a typewriter and deliberately prevaricate. Somehow,
[23:05] Speaker 3: I just don't seem honest, somehow.
[23:07] Speaker 7: Ha!
[23:09] Speaker 4: Well, cheer up, Pet, my goodness me. Come in. Oh,
[23:14] Speaker 4: Mayor Latrivia, do come in, Your Honor.
[23:16] Speaker 2: Oh, thank you, my dear. Hello, McGee.
[23:18] Speaker 3: Hi, Latrivia.
[23:19] Speaker 2: Say, I have some good news for you folks. Remember
[23:21] Speaker 2: Wallace Wimple?
[23:22] Speaker 4: My goodness, yes.
[23:22] Speaker 3: You mean little Wally Wimp? You mean the henpecked little
[23:25] Speaker 3: guy that when he was married, Frankenstein gave the bride away?
[23:28] Speaker 2: Yes, that's the lad.
[23:30] Speaker 6: I just got word that he's out of the service
[23:32] Speaker 6: and will be back in Wistful Vista on the 15th
[23:34] Speaker 6: of January. Oh, good.
[23:36] Speaker 2: Very well.
[23:36] Speaker 6: It seems that the Navy finally saved up enough points
[23:39] Speaker 6: to get rid of him.
[23:40] Speaker 2: Oh, my.
[23:42] Speaker 4: It'll be nice to see him again.
[23:43] Speaker 3: Two weeks from today, eh? My gosh.
[23:45] Speaker 2: By the way, McGee, did you send.
[23:47] Speaker 6: The Elks your tall story for the contest?
[23:50] Speaker 8: No.
[23:51] Speaker 3: I guess I kind of fell down on the assignment, Latriv.
[23:54] Speaker 3: I went into it real enthusiastic, too. I was going
[23:57] Speaker 3: to whip out a yarn that would have all the
[23:59] Speaker 3: other contestants green with ivy.
[24:01] Speaker 4: You mean envy, dear. People don't turn green with ivy.
[24:05] Speaker 2: Oh, no?
[24:07] Speaker 3: You mean I never told you about the kid I
[24:08] Speaker 3: went to school with? Little Eddie Creeper?
[24:13] Speaker 4: The poor kid that was.
[24:14] Speaker 3: Working his way through school.
[24:15] Speaker 2: What about him, McGee?
[24:16] Speaker 3: Well, he got so hungry, he'd eat the leaves off
[24:19] Speaker 3: the vines on the chemistry building, just to keep from starving.
[24:22] Speaker 6: Well, if he wanted to browse, why didn't he go
[24:24] Speaker 6: over to the library building?
[24:29] Speaker 3: The bigger leaves on the chemistry building didn't hold it. Well, sir,
[24:34] Speaker 3: he ate so many of them leaves, he started turning
[24:37] Speaker 3: green with.
[24:37] Speaker 4: Ivy, you see.
[24:38] Speaker 6: Oh, dear. I, uh, I suppose you're going to tell
[24:41] Speaker 6: us he came home one night potted.
[24:46] Speaker 3: No, the thing was, Latrivia, he ate so many of
[24:48] Speaker 3: them ivy leaves, he got a peculiar habit of trying
[24:50] Speaker 3: to climb the wall of the chemistry building. Every spring,
[24:53] Speaker 3: right after the rainy season, he'd do it. We found
[24:57] Speaker 3: out later his father had been one of the Virginia creepers.
[25:02] Speaker 2: Creepers.
[25:05] Speaker 3: Then a kind of a tragic thing happened. I know.
[25:07] Speaker 4: He was attacked by caterpillars?
[25:09] Speaker 2: No.
[25:10] Speaker 4: No.
[25:10] Speaker 3: It seems that one of the botany professors, I think
[25:12] Speaker 3: it was a botany professor. Well, what's the study of
[25:15] Speaker 3: plant life.
[25:15] Speaker 4: Called, the trivia?
[25:16] Speaker 2: The National Labor Board.
[25:24] Speaker 4: Oh, no, Mr.
[25:25] Speaker 2: Mayor.
[25:25] Speaker 4: What do you mean?
[25:25] Speaker 3: Never mind. Never mind. Anyway, they discovered there was no
[25:28] Speaker 3: nourishment in ivy leaves. And when this kid heard that,
[25:31] Speaker 3: he fell right off the wall onto his history notebook.
[25:34] Speaker 3: It weakened him so much, they had to feed him
[25:37] Speaker 3: Vigoro and tie him to a trellis to hold him
[25:39] Speaker 3: up for the graduation exercise.
[25:42] Speaker 2: That's a very interesting story, McGee. Is that the one
[25:45] Speaker 2: you sent to the Elks Club?
[25:47] Speaker 4: Well, no, it isn't, Your Honor.
[25:49] Speaker 3: I'll probably have to resign from the Elks, Lativia. I
[25:51] Speaker 3: wouldn't be able to show up there from now on
[25:53] Speaker 3: without getting the hot foot every time I sat down.
[25:55] Speaker 4: What's a hot foot?
[25:56] Speaker 3: Oh, that's where you stick a match in the sole
[25:58] Speaker 3: of a guy's shoe without him knowing it and light it.
[26:00] Speaker 2: It's a stupid practical joke, Mrs. McGee, dedicated to the
[26:03] Speaker 2: proposition that all men should.
[26:05] Speaker 6: Be cremated equal. But about your entry in the contest, McGee,
[26:12] Speaker 6: I certainly hope you.
[26:12] Speaker 4: Heaven, ladies, look what time it is. Time for the broadcast.
[26:15] Speaker 4: Turn the radio on, McGee. Oh, okay.
[26:19] Speaker 3: Not that I want to hear it, except out of
[26:20] Speaker 3: morbid curiosity.
[26:21] Speaker 6: McGee, I'm curious to know just exactly.
[26:23] Speaker 2: Quiet, Mr. Mayor. Quiet.
[26:24] Speaker 7: Listen.
[26:25] Speaker 8: And now for the announcement of the first prize winner
[26:27] Speaker 8: in the Wistful Vista Elks Club annual.
[26:29] Speaker 3: Tall story contest.
[26:31] Speaker 4: The winner, who will receive a check.
[26:33] Speaker 8: For $ 100, is Mr. Fibber McGee of 79 Wistful Vista.
[26:37] Speaker 4: What?
[26:37] Speaker 2: Why are you.
[26:38] Speaker 4: How on earth could he do that?
[26:39] Speaker 2: Mr.
[26:39] Speaker 8: McGee's prize winning entry consisted simply of.
[26:45] Speaker 8: Committee gentlemen I'm sorry but I just don't seem to
[26:49] Speaker 8: be able to sit down and deliberately tell a falsehood.
[26:59] Speaker 3: To anyone who knows mr.
[27:01] Speaker 8: McGee this will be recognized as the most fantastic whopper
[27:05] Speaker 8: of all time congratulations mr.
[27:09] Speaker 3: McGee and now we return you to the well I'll
[27:11] Speaker 3: be a happy new year.
[27:36] Speaker 2: In the coming year, Thibber McGee and Molly will most
[27:38] Speaker 2: certainly be making many new friends. Friends who perhaps will
[27:42] Speaker 2: be using Johnson's glow coat on their floors in linoleum
[27:45] Speaker 2: for the first time. Well, now any one of our
[27:47] Speaker 2: many old friends could tell these ladies what a pleasing
[27:50] Speaker 2: experience they have in store. With self-polishing glow coat, you
[27:53] Speaker 2: can give your floors and linoleum the gleaming luster of
[27:56] Speaker 2: a wax finish with practically no work at all. Glow
[28:00] Speaker 2: coat needs no rubbing or buffing. It's self-polishing. You simply
[28:03] Speaker 2: apply and let dry. In 20 minutes, come back and
[28:07] Speaker 2: you'll find even old linoleum gleaming with a brand new beauty.
[28:11] Speaker 2: It's amazing the difference it makes. And of course, because
[28:14] Speaker 2: glow coat protects the surface from wear, new linoleum stays
[28:17] Speaker 2: like new, both in bright appearance and in the way
[28:20] Speaker 2: it wears. Yes, our new friends have a pleasant surprise
[28:23] Speaker 2: coming when they first use Johnson's self-polishing glow coat in
[28:27] Speaker 2: the coming new year.
[28:40] Speaker 3: Ladies and gentlemen, when your country is at war, you
[28:43] Speaker 3: naturally offer it your money, your services, and, if necessary,
[28:46] Speaker 3: your life. But when the war is over, it's every
[28:49] Speaker 3: person's privilege, yes, even duty, to think of himself again,
[28:53] Speaker 3: his work, and his future.
[28:55] Speaker 4: The United States Merchant Marine, which made such a wonderful
[28:58] Speaker 4: record of work done and heroic missions accomplished, offers a
[29:02] Speaker 4: wonderful opportunity. It wants and needs you experienced officers and
[29:07] Speaker 4: men who have been to sea, men with certificates. If
[29:09] Speaker 4: you're looking for a job with a great future, write
[29:12] Speaker 4: or wire collect to Merchant Marine, Washington, 25 D.C., giving
[29:16] Speaker 4: your rating and address.
[29:18] Speaker 3: And if you've been on a well-earned holiday, we urge
[29:20] Speaker 3: you to return to your ship. You won't be the
[29:23] Speaker 3: first one who was smart enough to go back on
[29:25] Speaker 3: the water after a celebration.
[29:26] Speaker 2: Good night. Good night, all, and Happy New Year.
[29:31] Speaker 6: Be with.
[29:37] Speaker 9: Us again next Tuesday night.
[29:49] Speaker 2: This is Harlow Wilcox speaking for the Johnson Wax People
[29:53] Speaker 2: in Racine, Wisconsin and Brantford, Ontario, who.
[29:57] Speaker 3: Join all of us in wishing you a very happy
[29:59] Speaker 3: New Year.
[30:04] Speaker 2: This is NBC, the national.
[30:09] Speaker 5: Broadcasting company.
[30:12] Speaker 1: That was Fibber McGee and Molly. Tall story contest. Follow
[30:16] Speaker 1: Fibber McGee and Molly for more classic broadcasts.

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