# this lent is so hard for me!

An episode of [AfterMass](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1823710125), 27 Feb 2026, 14 min.

Audio: https://traffic.megaphone.fm/APO5927169784.mp3

Lent is more than giving something up. It’s about letting God expose what’s underneath.I’m sharing what I gave up for Lent this year, why I chose it, and what it’s already revealing in me. From cutting out Uber Eats and food delivery to being intentional about my words and refusing gossip or unkind speech, this Lent has been confronting in ways I didn’t expect.This is just an honest check-in. No preaching lol just reflection! If you’re walking through Lent right now and feeling stretched, you’re not alone. Let me know in the comments what you gave up and what God is showing you!

## Transcript

[0:00] Hi guys, and welcome back to After Mass.
[0:02] So it's been about a week and a half since Lent began, since Ash
[0:06] Wednesday. You guys, I don't know about
[0:08] you, but I am struggling this Lent.
[0:10] I don't understand why. And I talk about it all the
[0:13] time. This struggle is good.
[0:15] That means that something is working.
[0:16] That means I'm being formed. That means that God is working
[0:18] within me. But good grief, I'm already
[0:21] tired. I have never had a lint that's
[0:23] been this challenging. So for reference, I've added a
[0:25] couple things. I don't just like to give things
[0:27] up. I like to add in some things.
[0:28] So every day I'm reading the daily scripture, I'm doing my
[0:31] reflection again, I'm doing my rosary.
[0:33] So those are just things that I'm doing.
[0:34] But the things that I gave up. So first I gave up Uber eats
[0:37] like all kind of food delivery. So I work full time on nine to
[0:40] five job. I have two kids and I do this
[0:42] obviously. So for me, I just I explain it,
[0:45] I rationalize it. I am so busy that I need my
[0:48] lunch delivered now. I don't get food delivery, like
[0:51] breakfast, lunch, dinner type thing.
[0:53] I don't eat that that much. I have a coffee that is my
[0:55] breakfast, lunch. Every day I get something
[0:58] delivered and it's such a waste of money.
[1:00] My husband is a bodybuilder. He cooks all of his food.
[1:03] It's very clean and I just don't feel like having it.
[1:06] I don't like the way he cooks. Sorry, sweetie, if you're
[1:10] listening, but yeah, it's just like, it's not.
[1:13] I love to sit down, eat my food. I find so much joy in food.
[1:19] It's like a little experience every day.
[1:20] It's like my reward every day for getting up and doing the
[1:23] things I need to. It's so warped.
[1:25] So anyways, I gave up all food delivery for lunch, obviously,
[1:28] like if it's, you know, on the weekends or for the kids or
[1:31] something like take out. I mean, I haven't done it since
[1:33] Ash Wednesday, but I normally don't because we're we're
[1:36] cooking and then we have our activities, etcetera, etcetera.
[1:38] But that's not even why I'm making this video.
[1:41] The second thing I gave up is my speech.
[1:44] So the way that I talk, I don't necessarily gossip.
[1:47] I'm not a big gossiper. It always makes me feel a little
[1:49] gross to gossip about people. So that's not really what I gave
[1:54] up. Of course, there are times where
[1:55] I'm venting and I'm frustrated and I'm telling my friends or
[1:58] talking with my friends or husband about a situation and
[2:01] whatever. Those things are not good.
[2:02] But I don't do them that often. So I am obviously trying to
[2:05] watch what I say. But really, the careless words.
[2:08] I made a video about this yesterday on my Instagram.
[2:10] It's so dangerous. Our tongue is such a powerful
[2:13] tool. It can be such a sword.
[2:15] We receive the Eucharist on Sunday and then damage someone's
[2:18] reputation on Monday. And it's not necessarily that I
[2:21] gossip or speak badly about people or anything like that out
[2:25] of spite or out of literally anything other than my own
[2:29] frustrations, I have a hard time differentiating between
[2:33] expressing myself, maybe about a frustrating situation, and
[2:36] speaking uncharitably about other people.
[2:39] Just because it's true or just because I feel it's true doesn't
[2:42] mean that I need to say it. So I have been operating more.
[2:45] So, OK, would I say this in front of them and would Jesus be
[2:48] proud of what I'm saying? If the answer is no, I'm not
[2:51] saying it. Whether it's something that
[2:52] happened to me and you know someone, there is a fine line
[2:55] there. If I have an interaction with
[2:57] somebody who maybe doesn't treat me the best or who does
[2:59] something insensitive or that hurts my feelings or what have
[3:02] you, I can absolutely talk about those things.
[3:05] But I'm not going to say to my husband, I'm not going to say,
[3:08] Joe, you won't believe what this freaking guy did.
[3:10] You won't believe that. You won't believe what this girl
[3:13] said to me. Can you believe her?
[3:15] The odd, no, I'm going to say, you know, she said this and it
[3:18] really hurt my feelings or I saw this and it really made me feel
[3:22] bad about myself or it made me feel whatever.
[3:25] As you guys know, I've been so open about our fertility
[3:27] journey. I don't want to say I'm
[3:29] infertile because I have two beautiful, wonderful, amazing
[3:33] children that I'm so blessed with.
[3:34] But we have not been able to grow our family and that kind of
[3:37] infertility cross has really, really weighed down on me.
[3:40] When I see people doing IVF and just boom, getting pregnant, no
[3:44] problem. Why?
[3:45] Why does that IVF procedure work for them?
[3:48] But I'm seemingly healthy. I've had all these tests, I've
[3:51] done all this work and it doesn't work for me.
[3:52] Or just a random family with five kids, they get another one.
[3:56] Or just somebody who is single and not married.
[3:59] You know, all of these things that do not matter.
[4:01] They have no bearing on my life. I get mad, I get mad.
[4:04] Why them not me? It's this like gross cycle that
[4:08] is my biggest cross in life. This kind of like comparison.
[4:12] Why them not me? And then I reflect on it and I
[4:15] say, wait a minute. I don't love Jesus for what he
[4:17] gives me. I love him for who he is.
[4:19] So I cannot equate my faith or my love of God or my obedience
[4:24] or anything like that to these external things.
[4:27] I am living for my eternity, not this world, and I need to be
[4:30] grateful for my blessings. I am so, so blessed.
[4:34] And I don't say that I'm like a cliche, like I'm so blessed.
[4:36] Hashtag blessed. No, I truly, I have a wonderful
[4:40] family, wonderful children, my husband, my kids, my parents.
[4:44] I haven't experienced a lot of loss in my life.
[4:47] I'm so grateful. And still I'm like, not enough,
[4:49] not enough. And it's just so disheartening
[4:52] because I don't want to be that kind of person.
[4:54] And sometimes I'm like, Oh no, I'm not, I'm not that kind of
[4:56] person at all. I, I'm so grateful, I'm so
[4:59] joyous. I carry Christ's love and peace
[5:02] and happiness and all of these things within me.
[5:04] People can see me and see the joy that I radiate for Christ.
[5:08] That can be true, but internally I can still be seriously
[5:12] struggling with whatever it is. And so for me, it's just so, so
[5:16] hard. So hard.
[5:18] You guys don't know. I've never, I've, I haven't
[5:20] always been like this. I've always been a pretty happy
[5:24] person. I've never been somebody who's
[5:26] into comparison, never been someone who's been insecure.
[5:29] I don't compare myself to so and so who has like keeping up with
[5:33] the Joneses or I'm not a very fashion forward girl.
[5:36] So it's not like I, I'm jealous of the things that people
[5:39] possess or their success or anything like that.
[5:41] Everything has to do with, OK, well, I don't want these like
[5:44] super worldly things. And I'm grateful that I don't
[5:47] struggle with that. The success in this life to me
[5:50] means raising my children in the face, faith and getting as close
[5:53] to heaven as I can. That is success.
[5:55] It's not $1,000,000 in the bank. I'm so grateful.
[5:58] You obviously need money. I'm very grateful for a job.
[6:01] I'm grateful my husband's employed.
[6:02] I'm grateful my children are healthy.
[6:04] So, you know, I'm very grateful for these things and that's what
[6:07] I need to be happy. But then when it comes to that
[6:08] one little thing that I'm wishing for, that one extra
[6:12] thing that I think would make my family complete or me complete
[6:15] or my heart complete, it's fertility.
[6:17] Wow, this turned to a whole fertility video.
[6:19] But anyways, going back to your tongue, careless words, speaking
[6:23] carelessly, it's very easy to do that.
[6:26] And this careless speech, this unkind speech, it doesn't mean
[6:30] just gossip. It also means sarcasm.
[6:32] It means little jokes that cut people.
[6:34] You know, that is very difficult.
[6:37] These kinds of subtle tearing down of other people or other
[6:40] situations or the eye rolling at what have you, you know, maybe
[6:44] sarcasm at someone's expense, just these little comments.
[6:48] And you know what? It feels good.
[6:50] It bonds you with people in a conversation or with friends.
[6:53] It makes us feel like we're in the know.
[6:56] We feel a little superior for a second or a little powerful
[6:59] even, but but when we disguise it as venting or just being
[7:04] honest, what it's really exposing is our ego, our need to
[7:07] be right. This desire to elevate myself
[7:10] subtly, like, Oh well, at least I didn't do XYZI, didn't do IVF.
[7:15] So I'm so holy. I mean, I'm, I don't, I don't.
[7:18] That was a little bit of an exaggeration, but just that kind
[7:21] of thinking. And it's crazy how normalized
[7:24] casual and charity is and how hard silence actually is.
[7:28] That's what I have been struggling with.
[7:30] I feel like I've been in 60% successful, so I haven't given
[7:34] into the temptation to chime in or to say some thought that I
[7:39] know is not from the Lord. I know these thoughts that I
[7:42] have of whether it's anger, jealousy, whatever, those are
[7:46] not from the Lord, they're not. So biting my tongue and not
[7:49] saying these things out loud, even though I think them, I
[7:51] reject them. That's how I've been coping.
[7:53] And so I'm catching myself maybe mid sentence or I'm feeling the
[7:57] comment kind of like bubbling up in my brain and choosing not to
[8:01] say it. Or even if you fail because I
[8:03] have failed, I'm keeping a tally in my notes.
[8:06] Here it is. I'm exposing myself, but I just
[8:08] think accountability matters. So even failing and then having
[8:12] to reset, that's very frustrating too.
[8:14] So you know, this whole video, I don't even know how 10 minutes
[8:18] already. I just, I just wanted to do a
[8:21] check in. I wanted to let you guys know
[8:23] where I was at, what I'm struggling with.
[8:25] If you're also struggling with these things, you're not alone.
[8:28] You're not alone. I consider myself devout.
[8:30] I love the Lord with my whole entire being and my videos and
[8:36] the content that I post. That is simply an overflow, my
[8:39] spiritual life, my internal life.
[8:41] That doesn't mean I'm not struggling with things.
[8:43] I struggle everyday, guys, I struggle everyday.
[8:45] But that is really something, the sin that I'm really most
[8:48] attached to. And yeah, the Ubereats, that's
[8:51] not the best. I've given it up every Lent now,
[8:54] and my whole point in giving it up is to try and reorder myself
[8:58] to take care of my body and not give in to sloth and not give in
[9:02] to laziness and be a little bit better of a planner.
[9:05] So what have I been doing? Planning my lunches, Treating my
[9:09] body like the temple that it is, feeding it good things.
[9:12] Because God made this body and I want to take care of it and He
[9:15] wants us to take care of it. He commands us to take care of
[9:18] our bodies. So that's my whole giving up
[9:20] Uber Eats thing. It's a little bit of
[9:22] convenience, a little bit of this, but it's really just to
[9:24] reorient myself to do all things for Him, for His glory,
[9:28] including taking care of my body, take care of what I put in
[9:31] it. But the words part, guys, words
[9:34] are not neutral. And that's what I've had the
[9:35] hardest time with. It's easy to say I'm going to
[9:38] give up gossip because I, I mean, I surround myself with
[9:40] people who don't really gossip anyways, but it's by internal
[9:43] thoughts that I just want to tell everyone about, you know,
[9:45] these careless words. They're not harmless just
[9:48] because they feel a little light and like they don't mean
[9:52] anything, you know, I don't want to receive Jesus on Sunday and
[9:55] then tear down his image in someone else.
[9:58] I don't want my kids hearing that tone.
[10:00] Not that, you know, it's not like that, they really do, but
[10:03] they do. They live here.
[10:04] You know, if I'm talking with my husband, I don't want my kids
[10:07] to, I don't want their precious innocent ears to even be exposed
[10:11] to these kinds of conversations. Even though I'm not cursing, I'm
[10:14] not yelling, I'm not saying all this derogatory things.
[10:16] I'm still not talking 100% charitably and I won't be, you
[10:20] know, I'll never be 100% charitable 100% of the time, but
[10:23] I can really strive to do that. You know, small comments in my
[10:26] opinion, shape culture and relationships and friendships
[10:29] and all of these things and they end up shaping your souls, my
[10:32] soul. So, you know, it's important to
[10:34] me that I know going into Lent, I've said it on multiple
[10:38] episodes, but Lent is not about being impressive.
[10:41] It's not about doing all the things.
[10:43] It's not about giving up stuff. It's about exposure.
[10:46] It's about exposure. It's about exposing what in your
[10:50] life is stopping you from being the person that God wants you to
[10:53] be, that you were meant to be. And these small sacrifices
[10:56] reveal very big things. So convenience and the tongue
[11:00] are my big things. The tiny ego boost is harder to
[11:04] give up than anything else, you know, So I just wanted to check
[11:08] in if you're struggling, I'm struggling to.
[11:11] So pray for me and I will pray for you as well.
[11:15] We can do this because ultimately I just want to be in
[11:19] communion with God. I want to make him proud with
[11:22] everything I do, even my thoughts.
[11:24] I want if those thoughts from the devil that I know they come
[11:28] from, I rebuke those thoughts in the name of Jesus.
[11:31] But if those thoughts come in, I have to actively.
[11:34] It's like I'm all the parents out there.
[11:36] You know, when you're telling your kids, put on your shoes,
[11:38] let's go, let's go put on your shoes, let's go put on your
[11:41] shoes. You pick them up, you physically
[11:43] move them over, sit them down, put on their shoes.
[11:46] That's how I feel about my brain.
[11:47] I have to pick up my brain when those thoughts are invading and
[11:51] physically move it elsewhere. And that is very difficult.
[11:54] It's very difficult. Now, this is, it's not like I'm
[11:57] in a constant state of, you know, turmoil here.
[12:00] But again, I'm sorry that it's all about the fertility thing
[12:04] because I wish it wasn't. It's like part of my personality
[12:06] and I don't want it to be. But it's just such a huge cross
[12:10] for us right now. For me, my husband does way, way
[12:13] better than I. It's like I'm surrounded by it.
[12:16] I'm a woman so I'm all my friends are women.
[12:18] I have sisters and cousins and friends and my social media,
[12:22] it's all women having babies and we live in such a my exposure is
[12:27] to practicing Catholics with all these big families.
[12:30] So it's it is a daily thing for me where I see something and I'm
[12:33] like, congratulations, OK, good. Keep it moving.
[12:36] You know, it's not like I'm like cursing these poor women who are
[12:39] just growing their families and being blessed by God and
[12:41] expanding their beautiful, healthy big families.
[12:44] It's not like that. But I definitely late at night
[12:47] when I put my head on my pillow and I have these thoughts of why
[12:50] them not me. So anyways, this was just a
[12:54] check in. I just want to make sure
[12:56] everyone is doing good. If you're struggling, me too.
[12:59] Me too. Let's hang in there.
[13:01] Do not let the enemy win. Think of this Lent season as
[13:05] just the Lord exposing exactly what we need to work on.
[13:08] Whatever it is you're struggling with, that is him working.
[13:11] So work through the struggle. So hopefully that was somewhat
[13:15] good advice, but I really just wanted a little video out there
[13:18] of like, I'm not doing good guys, I'm not doing well, but
[13:22] I'm trying. I'm showing up.
[13:24] I'm leaning into every sacrament that I can.
[13:28] I've already been to confession and I want to go again.
[13:31] I just need that healing and that mercy.
[13:32] And I know that it will come, but I have to say yes to and I
[13:35] have to be open to it. God's always there.
[13:37] He's always inviting, but we have to say yes.
[13:39] We have to move and accept that invite.
[13:41] So that's what I'm working on. But anyways, it is Friday.
[13:45] If you're watching this on Friday, no meet today, guys,
[13:47] friendly reminder. But yeah, that's pretty much all
[13:49] I have for you guys today. I will see you guys next time.
[13:53] And until then, just keep going and know that God is so proud of
[13:58] you. So don't let the enemy win.
[14:00] Let God win as we know he ultimately does.
[14:02] And just do whatever you can to try and stay obedient.
[14:06] Try and surrender and look at Lent as a time that is exposing
[14:09] what you need to get rid of, what you need to work on to be
[14:13] the person that God intended you to be.
[14:15] That's all I have. I'll see you guys next time.
[14:17] Bye.

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