# How To Discern Friendships (Without Judging People)

An episode of [AfterMass](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1823710125), 29 Apr 2026, 17 min.

Audio: https://traffic.megaphone.fm/APO4092144513.mp3

discernment isn’t about judging people, it’s about living in truth. in this video, i’m talking about friendships and the people we allow close to us, how to recognize when something is off, when to step back and why you’re not responsible for fixing everyone. this is really about learning how to live with prudence, temperance and self-mastery in real situations.

## Transcript

[0:00] Over the past year, I developed a very real friendship with
[0:02] someone who was very publicly sharing his journey into
[0:05] Christianity, more specifically into Catholicism.
[0:09] And a lot of you probably saw some of that because we would go
[0:12] live together on YouTube pretty consistently, usually after his
[0:16] OCIA classes, and just talk about the faith and answer
[0:19] questions and have very real conversations about what it
[0:22] means to seek truth. And for me, that's always
[0:24] something that I've taken seriously because when someone
[0:27] is genuinely asking questions and trying to understand
[0:30] understand, I'm always going to meet that with honesty and care.
[0:34] But friendships, especially ones that are even partially in the
[0:37] public eye, can get very complicated because what people
[0:40] see online is never the full picture.
[0:43] And over time, there were some things that started to come up
[0:45] that didn't sit right with me. And I'm not somebody who claims
[0:49] to know a person's heart or their intentions.
[0:51] That is not my place and I've never felt that way.
[0:54] But actions are very real. Patterns are very real, and
[0:57] eventually you have to be honest about what you're seeing instead
[1:01] of just holding on to what you hoped things would be.
[1:04] So months ago, I made the decision to step back from that
[1:07] friendship and it wasn't public. I didn't make a statement, it
[1:10] wasn't dramatic, I didn't make content about it.
[1:12] It was just something that I didn't feel the need to
[1:14] announce. It was just a quiet decision to
[1:17] create some distance. And our friendship fizzled out,
[1:19] and we haven't spoken since December.
[1:22] And now that everything is unfolding much more publicly, I
[1:25] think that people expect some kind of statement or breakdown
[1:28] or explanation. But the truth is that not
[1:30] everything needs to be turned into content in order to be
[1:33] handled correctly, and not everything that happens in a
[1:36] real friendship belongs online. But what this situation does
[1:40] bring up, and what I actually think matters more than going
[1:43] into the details, is that a lot of people don't know how to
[1:46] discern relationships well, whether that's friendships,
[1:49] people that you follow online, or voices that you allow to
[1:52] influence you. And there's this pressure almost
[1:54] to either stay loyal no matter what or completely tear someone
[1:58] down. And neither of those are rooted
[2:00] in virtue. So instead of making this about
[2:02] one person, I want to talk about discernment.
[2:05] Because if you don't know how to do that well, you end up either
[2:08] ignoring things that you shouldn't ignore or reacting in
[2:11] ways that aren't actually rooted in truth.
[2:13] And that's where I feel a lot of us get stuck.
[2:16] One of the biggest confusions that I see, especially online,
[2:18] is this idea that if you discern someone, you're automatically
[2:22] judging them. And those are not the same
[2:23] thing. The church has always made a
[2:25] clear distinction between judging the state of someone's
[2:28] soul, which belongs to God alone, and evaluating actions
[2:32] and patterns and behavior which we are actually responsible for
[2:35] if we want to live wisely. Discernment isn't about being
[2:39] critical or looking for fault. It's about being honest about
[2:42] what is in front of us and responding to it in a way that
[2:45] is ordered and grounded in truth.
[2:47] And this is where virtues like prudence, temperance, self
[2:50] mastery are really important. Important because without them,
[2:53] what people call discernment usually just turns into
[2:56] reaction. Prudence is what allows you to
[2:59] see clearly and judge rightly, not based on emotion or
[3:02] preference, but based on reality.
[3:05] It helps you recognize patterns over time instead of clinging on
[3:08] to isolated moments. And then it also keeps you from
[3:11] jumping to conclusion while also keeping you from ignoring what's
[3:15] obvious. Temperance is what keeps you
[3:17] from swinging to extremes because a lot of us either
[3:20] ignore everything in the name of being loving, or we overcorrect
[3:24] to become harsh and reactive. Temperance holds you steady, It
[3:28] keeps your response measured, it keeps you from letting your
[3:31] emotions take over the situation, and it allows you to
[3:34] move with intention instead of impulse.
[3:37] And self mastery is what determines what you actually do
[3:40] with what you see, because you can recognize that something is
[3:43] off and still stay in it out of comfort or fear or attachment.
[3:48] Self mastery is what allows you to act on discernment instead of
[3:52] only acknowledging it. It's what gives you the ability
[3:55] to step back createspace and choose what is right over what
[4:00] is easy. Charity doesn't mean that you
[4:02] ignore patterns. It doesn't mean that you give
[4:04] unlimited access to your life to just anyone who says the right
[4:08] things or claims the right beliefs.
[4:10] Real charity is ordered and it's rooted in truth, which means
[4:13] that you're allowed to look at someone's actions over time and
[4:16] say this isn't aligned. This is not something that I can
[4:19] stay closely connected to. And that's not a failure to
[4:22] love. It's actually a sign that you're
[4:24] trying to live with wisdom. So if you've ever felt that
[4:27] tension of noticing something in a friendship or relationship or
[4:30] even in somebody online that you follow and then immediately
[4:33] shutting it down because you don't want to feel like you're
[4:35] judging, I want you to hear me loud and clear.
[4:38] Discernment, when rooted in virtue, is not the opposite of
[4:41] love. It's a part of it because love
[4:43] isn't blind, and it doesn't ask you to ignore reality in order
[4:47] to feel like you're doing the right thing.
[4:49] Now, one of the easiest ways to get confused about someone is
[4:52] when you start giving more weight to what they say versus
[4:55] what they consistently do. Because people can say the right
[4:58] things and use the right language, and they can express
[5:00] the right beliefs, and all of that can sound really convincing
[5:03] in the moment. But words without consistency
[5:06] don't actually tell you much about a person's direction.
[5:09] And this is where we get tripped up because we latch onto
[5:12] potential instead of reality, or we hold on to earlier versions
[5:15] of someone and ignore what's currently in front of of US.
[5:18] And over time, that creates this internal conflict within us
[5:21] where you feel that something is off, but you keep explaining it
[5:24] away because you want it to make sense.
[5:27] And usually that isn't confusion and that isn't random.
[5:30] It's really a signal that something isn't lining up the
[5:33] way that it should. When you're trying to discern
[5:35] someone, you have to look at patterns, not isolated moments.
[5:39] Because anybody can have a good day.
[5:41] Anybody can say something that sounds right.
[5:43] Anybody can present themselves well for a period of time.
[5:46] But consistency reveals those direction.
[5:48] What do they actually live out when no one is applauding?
[5:51] What do they tolerate? What do they excuse?
[5:53] What do they double back down on?
[5:54] And does that align with what they claim to believe?
[5:57] And this doesn't mean that we're sitting here analyzing every
[6:00] little thing that somebody does, but it does mean that you're
[6:03] paying attention over time and allowing the reality to speak
[6:06] for itself instead of forcing it to be what you would hoped it
[6:09] would be. Because at the end of the day,
[6:11] confusion isn't something that you need to silence.
[6:14] It's something that you need to examine instead because more
[6:17] often and the knot, it's pointing to a lack of alignment
[6:20] that you're being asked to acknowledge.
[6:22] Now, one of the hardest parts of discernment is accepting that
[6:24] sometimes the right response isn't confrontation or a long
[6:27] explanation or not trying to fix or force clarity, but simply
[6:31] creating distance. And that goes against what a lot
[6:34] of people expect because we've almost been conditioned to think
[6:37] that every shift in a relationship needs to be
[6:39] explained or justified or turned into some kind of moment,
[6:42] especially online, when in reality, a lot of the time it's
[6:46] something quiet and internal. You don't need a blow up in
[6:50] order to step back from someone. You don't need to wait until
[6:53] something becomes obviously wrong to Createspace.
[6:56] Sometimes it's growing awareness over time that things just
[7:00] aren't aligned and that something feels off, that the
[7:03] direction that that person is going is not something that you
[7:06] can continue to walk closely with.
[7:08] And instead of ignoring that or trying to talk yourself out of
[7:11] it, discernment asks you to respond to it.
[7:14] And that response sometimes looks like less communication
[7:17] education, less access, less involvement.
[7:20] And that can feel uncomfortable. I know it has for me in the
[7:23] past, because it's almost not as clear cut as confrontation.
[7:27] But not every boundary needs this announcement.
[7:30] Not every decision needs to be explained to the person you're
[7:34] stepping away from or to the people watching from the
[7:36] outside. There's also a real
[7:39] uncomfortableness, like a tension that people don't talk
[7:43] about enough, which is the part of you that wonders if you
[7:46] should say that. I know that's happened to me.
[7:48] If if you should try harder, if you're supposed to help or say
[7:52] something or do more, and if that's where God wants you.
[7:55] And maybe because of that, it can feel very heavy because you
[7:58] don't want to walk away from someone who might need you,
[8:01] especially if they're struggling or who might need guidance.
[8:04] But discernment isn't about caring responsibilities that
[8:07] were never yours to begin with. Sometimes the most honest thing
[8:10] that you can do is recognize that staying close isn't
[8:13] helping, and that creating distance isn't a rejection of
[8:16] the person. It's a recognition of what you
[8:19] can and cannot take on, and choosing to step back before
[8:22] something that already feels misaligned starts to shape you
[8:26] in ways that you don't intend. This is the part where a lot of
[8:29] people get stuck, including myself, because even after you
[8:31] start to see things clearly, there's still that lingering
[8:34] thought of what if I stayed? What if I said more?
[8:38] What if I could have helped somehow?
[8:40] And that can feel very heavy, especially when you actually
[8:43] care about the person or when you've invested real time into a
[8:46] relationship. It's not always easy to just
[8:49] walk away without feeling like you're leaving something
[8:51] unfinished, but the truth is that you're not someone's savior
[8:55] and you were never meant to be. There's a difference between
[8:58] being present in someone's life and taking on a role that
[9:01] doesn't belong to you that you're not equipped to take on.
[9:04] And a lot of times people cross that line without realizing
[9:08] because it feels like love or responsibility in the moment.
[9:11] But trying to stay and maybe fix someone, guide a a decision, or
[9:17] carrying the weight of where they're going isn't your role
[9:20] and it's not sustainable. You can love someone and still
[9:23] not be assigned to them. And that's something people
[9:26] don't say enough. Because when someone is
[9:28] struggling, or even when they're making decisions that are
[9:31] clearly not aligned, the instinct is to step in and to
[9:34] try and correct it and to keep them on track.
[9:37] But ultimately, they have free will and they still have access
[9:40] to the right channels that are actually meant to guide them,
[9:43] whether that's a priest or a spiritual director or even
[9:46] professional help if needed. And when you start to take on a
[9:49] role that isn't yours, it doesn't just affect them, it
[9:53] affects you. Because now your peace and your
[9:56] clarity and even your own direction can start to get tied
[9:59] up in something that you don't actually have control over.
[10:02] And discernment is recognizing where your responsibility ends
[10:06] and having the humility to step back and say this is not mine to
[10:09] carry, even if part of you wishes that it was.
[10:12] Now, I think that's something that needs to be addressed,
[10:15] especially in an online space like this, is that online
[10:18] friendships can be very real. I've made online friendships.
[10:21] You can have very real conversation and real
[10:23] connections and a very real investment in someone's life,
[10:26] and it's not fake just because it started online.
[10:29] I think sometimes people try to dismiss that whole thing
[10:32] entirely, that it's not this honest connection that you have.
[10:35] There are very real relationships and connections
[10:37] that come from this online space, but at the same time,
[10:41] they're limited. And that's where people get
[10:43] tripped up because no matter how much you talk to someone, no
[10:46] matter how many lives you do together, no matter how often
[10:50] you're interacting or what their putting out that you're
[10:53] watching, you're only seeing what they choose to show, what
[10:57] comes up in conversation, what fits into that context.
[11:00] But there's always parts of someones life, their habits,
[11:02] their decisions and patterns that you are not fully aware of.
[11:05] And when we forget that, it's easy to give someone more weight
[11:09] than you should, or to feel a level of certainty about who
[11:12] they are that actually hasn't been tested in a full real life
[11:16] context. And that's where discernment
[11:18] becomes even more important, because proximity online can
[11:22] feel like closeness. But access doesn't equal
[11:25] authority, and it doesn't mean that you fully understand
[11:27] someone's life or direction. This is also really important
[11:31] because who you align yourself with publicly, even casually,
[11:35] does communicate something, whether you intend it to or not.
[11:39] And that doesn't mean that you need to overanalyze every
[11:41] interaction, but it does mean that you should be intentional
[11:44] about who you choose to associate with, who you
[11:47] platform, who you allow yourself to be connected with and follow
[11:51] on social media and things like that because people are paying
[11:54] attention to that. And more importantly, it can
[11:56] shape you in ways that you don't immediately realize.
[11:59] So yeah, online relationships and friendships can be real, but
[12:03] they require an extra level of awareness because the reality is
[12:06] you are making decisions about people with incomplete
[12:09] information. And if you don't keep that in
[12:11] mind, it's very easy to misplace trust or ignore things that you
[12:15] would catch much quicker in a fully visible day-to-day
[12:19] relationship. Now, one of the biggest
[12:20] pressures, especially when something becomes public, is
[12:24] this feeling that you have to say something, that you have to
[12:27] give a take, that you need to clarify where you stand so
[12:30] people don't fill in the blanks for you.
[12:32] And if you're not careful, that pressure can become the the
[12:35] reason that you speak, not truth or virtue, but the desire to
[12:39] control perception. And I think this is one of those
[12:42] times where some virtues actually get tested.
[12:45] Because it's one thing to talk about prudence and temperance
[12:48] and self mastery in theory. It's another thing to live them
[12:52] when you feel pulled to respond. Prudence is what asks the harder
[12:57] question of should this even be said at all?
[12:59] Not just can it be said and whether saying it is actually
[13:03] going to bear good fruit or just add more noise.
[13:06] It forces you to slow down and think beyond the moment instead
[13:10] of reacting to it. Temperance is what holds you
[13:13] back when everything in you wants to respond immediately.
[13:16] When you feel misunderstood and you have to defend your name.
[13:18] When you feel like people are saying things that aren't true
[13:21] and emotions are running high, it keeps your response measured.
[13:25] It keeps you from saying something just to release
[13:27] pressure, and it reminds you that timing matters just as much
[13:32] as content. And self mastery is what
[13:34] determines whether you're reacting or actually responding.
[13:38] Because you can say something that's technically true, but if
[13:41] it's coming from a place of frustration, pride, or the need
[13:44] to defend yourself, it's not going to land the way you think
[13:47] it will. Self mastery gives you the
[13:49] ability to pause, to not say everything that you feel in the
[13:52] moment, and to choose words that are actually aligned with truth
[13:56] and charity instead of just emotion.
[13:58] Not everything that can be said needs to be said, and not every
[14:02] situation requires your voice, even if people are asking for
[14:06] it. And a question that has always
[14:07] helped me in moments like this is simple but very direct.
[14:11] If Jesus asked you to explain your words, would you stand by
[14:14] them? Not just the content of what you
[14:16] said, but the intention behind it.
[14:19] Because at the end of the day, you're not going to answer to an
[14:21] audience at the time of your death.
[14:23] You're going to answer for how you spoke, why you spoke, and
[14:26] whether it was actually rooted in virtue or something else
[14:29] entirely. At the end of all this,
[14:31] discernment isn't just about figuring other people out.
[14:34] It's about protecting your own soul.
[14:36] Because the people that you stay close to, the voices you listen
[14:39] to, the environments that you keep yourself will shape you
[14:43] whether you realize it or not. And that formation happens
[14:47] slowly over time, not all at once.
[14:49] A lot of people approach discernment like it's about
[14:52] being right about someone else. Like they can just assess the
[14:55] situation correctly and then they've done their part.
[14:58] But that misses the point. The real question isn't just who
[15:01] that person is or what they're doing.
[15:03] It's what effect is this having on me?
[15:06] Is this leading me closer to God?
[15:08] Is this strengthening virtue in my life?
[15:10] Or is it introducing using confusion, compromise, or
[15:13] patterns that I know are not aligned because you don't drift
[15:16] into holiness by accident and you also don't stay neutral or,
[15:21] you know, just Switzerland by accident either.
[15:24] If you consistently place yourself in environment or
[15:27] relationships that are disordered, it will affect you
[15:30] even if you think you're strong enough to stay unaffected.
[15:33] And that's why discernment requires honesty, not just about
[15:36] other people, but about your own limits and your own
[15:39] responsibility. And this is where everything
[15:41] comes back to intention because you will answer for how you
[15:45] loved people, but you will also answer for what you tolerated,
[15:49] what you excused, and what you allowed to shape you over time.
[15:52] So discernment isn't about becoming critical or closed off,
[15:56] it's about becoming intentional because who you allow into your
[16:00] life isn't a small decision. It's something that directly
[16:03] impacts the direction that you're going.
[16:05] And one day you will have to answer to God for all of the
[16:08] choices you made. And I think that's really what I
[16:10] want to leave you with, because situations like this will come
[16:13] and go. People will change, things will
[16:15] come to light, and there will always be pressure to react and
[16:18] to speak and to pick a side, to explain yourself in a way that
[16:23] satisfies everyone watching. But that's not actually the
[16:26] goal. The goal is to live with
[16:27] integrity, to live with discernment, and to make
[16:30] decisions that are rooted in truth.
[16:32] Even when they're quiet, even when they're misunderstood, even
[16:35] when they don't give people the kind of clarity or closure that
[16:39] they think they're entitled to. Because at the end of the day,
[16:41] your responsibility isn't to manage perception, it's to
[16:45] respond rightly. And for me, that meant stepping
[16:49] back when I needed to, not making it public, not turning it
[16:52] into content, and choosing to handle it in a way that I can
[16:55] actually stand by, not just in front of people, but in front of
[16:59] God. And that's something that I
[17:01] think we would all be better off keeping in mind, especially when
[17:04] we feel the pressure to speak or act quickly.
[17:06] Because you can't control what other people do.
[17:09] You can't control how situations unfold, but you can control how
[17:12] you respond and whether that response is rooted in virtue or
[17:16] in reaction. And if you can get that right,
[17:18] you'll have a lot more clarity, not just in moments like this,
[17:21] but in the way that you live your life as a whole.
[17:23] That is all I have for today. Thank you guys so much for
[17:26] watching. I'll see you guys next time.
[17:28] Bye.

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