# \[Rewind\] Ivy League Dating Coach: This Habit Separates Rich Men From Broke Men

An episode of [Awf The Record](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1758650789), 25 Jun 2026, 48 min.

Audio: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2372866/episodes/19398881-rewind-ivy-league-dating-coach-this-habit-separates-rich-men-from-broke-men.mp3

Send us Fan Mail This episode originally aired on 04/10/2026 Dating isn’t just about having chemistry or “vibes”—it’s actually data. In this eye-opening episode of Awf The Record, dating and relationship expert Anwar White joins Jeannette and Mona to break down the real numbers behind modern dating—and why Black and Brown women need a different playbook. From match rates to money, Anwar exposes the hard truths about dating in today’s age: how systemic issues impact your love life, why marriage isn’t always a financial win for Black women, and what the data actually says about dating success. But this isn’t about discouragement—it’s about empowerment. He dives into why dating outside your race isn’t betrayal, it’s strategy. Why setting boundaries is non-negotiable. And why the real glow-up starts with emotional healing and self-worth. If you’re ready to stop guessing and start dating with clarity and confidence, this one’s for you. KEY POINTS - Dating: qualitative and quantitative analysis - Navigating dating journeys for black and brown women - Transitioning to dating coaching as a career - Challenges and misconceptions in dating (as women) - The societal pressure, setting realistic standards - Difference between feminine and masculine energy - Strategies for successful dating - On navigating cultural and racial preferences - Is using dating apps still effective? - Dating 101: Set boundaries and timeline - Anwar’s client approach as a dating coach QUOTES “Your type is your trauma. And when you're able to actually heal the trauma, you will have the opportunity to actually widen your net and find your person.” – Anwar White “If a man is truly in his masculine, his pleasure is derived from your pleasure.” – Anwar White “I don't believe in potential. I think potential is not real, it's imaginary, \[and\] it's a projection of what you want, but not what is.” – Anwar White “You become irresistible when you become irresistible to yourself, which is like, you just can't get enough of you, and that will radiate and attract everyone.” – Anwar White GUEST RESOURCES: Anwar White IG | @datingcoachanwar TikTok | @datingcoachanwar RESOURCES: Keep in touch with Awf The Record: Youtube: @AwfTheRecord Instagram: @awftherecordpodcast TikTok: @AwfTheRecord Mona Kosar Abdi IG | @monakabdi Jeannette Reyes IG | @msnewslady Keep in touch with Awf The Record: Watch on Youtube: @AwfTheRecord Follow us on Instagram: @awftherecordpodcast Follow us on TikTok: @AwfTheRecord Visit our website: www.AwfTheRecord.com Follow Mona on TikTok and IG Follow Jeannette on TikTok and IG

## Transcript

[0:00] SPEAKER_01: Good evening.
[0:00] SPEAKER_01: Your time now is 552.
[0:01] SPEAKER_01: I'm Jeanette Rayhouse, and I'm Mona Costa Rambi, and this is off the record.
[0:06] SPEAKER_01: Not for real.
[0:07] SPEAKER_01: This is off the record.
[0:09] SPEAKER_00: You're the CEO of your love life.
[0:11] SPEAKER_00: A lot of women are acting like the intern.
[0:13] SPEAKER_00: Your type is not your type.
[0:14] SPEAKER_00: That actually your type is your drama.
[0:16] SPEAKER_03: Alma White is a highly sought-after dating and relationship coach who specializes in helping successful women find their match.
[0:23] SPEAKER_00: I work with very powerful, successful women who don't need to play small.
[0:29] SPEAKER_03: So you should have a roster.
[0:30] SPEAKER_00: Always.
[0:30] SPEAKER_00: I call it Olympic dating.
[0:32] SPEAKER_00: You gotta have a gold medalist, a silver medalist, and a bronze medalist.
[0:35] SPEAKER_02: I know men hate to see analogs.
[0:38] SPEAKER_00: Because if a man is truly in his masculine, his pleasure is to five.
[0:42] SPEAKER_04: What are the best apps to be on?
[0:44] SPEAKER_04: What time of the year?
[0:45] SPEAKER_04: You say there's a month, you should absolutely not be on these apps.
[0:48] SPEAKER_04: Should you date outside of your age?
[0:49] SPEAKER_01: I think you should what are the top five red flags you should look out for?
[0:52] SPEAKER_01: How do you become irresistible?
[0:54] SPEAKER_00: You become irresistible when I will tell you that my most difficult clients are the most traditionally beautiful.
[1:00] SPEAKER_00: Why is that?
[1:01] SPEAKER_04: Because thank you for having me.
[1:12] SPEAKER_04: We have been we've been dying to have you on.
[1:15] SPEAKER_04: One thing I love about you is that you are like the definition of coming with facts.
[1:18] SPEAKER_04: Like you don't do anecdotes, you don't just do vibes, it's stats, it's research, it's data.
[1:24] SPEAKER_04: And more and more this day and age, especially with dating, we want to know what it's really like out there.
[1:29] SPEAKER_04: And we want it to be researched-based.
[1:31] SPEAKER_04: So, for those who aren't familiar with you, how would you describe yourself and what you do?
[1:35] SPEAKER_00: A mess.
[1:36] SPEAKER_04: We love it.
[1:37] SPEAKER_04: I'm a hot mess.
[1:39] SPEAKER_00: No, so to your point, I think about dating and relationships from a qualitative and quantitative perspective.
[1:45] SPEAKER_00: I think it's really important.
[1:46] SPEAKER_00: I'm not someone who's like, you know, which I think, respectfully speaking, a lot of people out there are.
[1:52] SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's important for people to feel very informed about what's the real deal when it comes to dating.
[1:57] SPEAKER_00: I mean, I work with 300 women at a time.
[2:00] SPEAKER_00: So I'm on the ground floor.
[2:01] SPEAKER_00: I'm working with 300, 400 women at a time.
[2:03] SPEAKER_00: And so I understand exactly what it really looks like.
[2:06] SPEAKER_00: And because I have and work with so many people, I have my own data set.
[2:09] SPEAKER_00: I was an undergrad statistics major.
[2:11] SPEAKER_00: So, and I got my MBA as well.
[2:13] SPEAKER_00: So I think I look at things and I wanna make sure, especially when it comes to black and brown women who I work with primarily, that they have the facts, that they know exactly like what it looks like for them and what their journey will look like, just based on like, okay, you gotta know that like your match rate is gonna be 44% versus a white girl's who's 55%.
[2:34] SPEAKER_00: You gotta know that your conversation rate is gonna be 18%.
[2:38] SPEAKER_00: Whereas a white girl's conversation rate on an app is gonna be 33%.
[2:42] SPEAKER_00: So, based on that, we have to navigate differently when it comes to your dating journey.
[2:46] SPEAKER_01: So, how did you get into this industry or this career field?
[2:49] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so uh, like I said, I got my MBA from an Ivy League institution, and I would reach out to all of my girlfriends after we graduated, and everything would be going well for them, right?
[2:59] SPEAKER_00: They had the job, they had the car, they had the amazing home, they traveled six times a year, but their love life was shit.
[3:06] SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I'm a very type A person.
[3:09] SPEAKER_00: And so I was like, girl, you're amazing.
[3:11] SPEAKER_00: Like that doesn't make any sense.
[3:12] SPEAKER_00: So I was like, let's just get this solved for you.
[3:14] SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of what I would do.
[3:16] SPEAKER_00: I would like help them with their apps, I would help them conversate and engage with uh, you know, the guys they were talking to.
[3:23] SPEAKER_00: And before I knew it, you know, they were in relationships within a couple of months and within a couple of years, they were engaged or married.
[3:29] SPEAKER_00: And at that time, I was managing billion-dollar businesses and fashion and all of that.
[3:33] SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I like this a little bit more.
[3:35] SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna lean into this a little bit more.
[3:37] SPEAKER_00: But I have to be honest with you, I've really been doing this ever since I was in elementary school, helping the boys talk to the girls and the girls talk to the boys on the playground.
[3:45] SPEAKER_00: So I just feel like it was something that I've always been meant to do.
[3:48] SPEAKER_04: Let me ask you, objectively speaking, has the dating pool gotten worse?
[3:52] SPEAKER_04: Is there a P where there once wasn't?
[3:54] SPEAKER_00: I think it's a great question.
[3:56] SPEAKER_00: I would say that I think society has changed and gender dynamics have changed, and culture has changed.
[4:05] SPEAKER_00: And based on those changes, as well as our own awareness and our own vocabulary about what's really going on with us and social media and technology, it has made things much more complicated.
[4:19] SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, I don't necessarily think people have changed that much.
[4:23] SPEAKER_00: I just think that because of the things that I just talked about, right?
[4:28] SPEAKER_00: For example, technology.
[4:29] SPEAKER_00: Before we would just, you know, marry somebody in our town, right?
[4:34] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[4:34] SPEAKER_00: Now you can talk to someone in Singapore if you wanted to right now.
[4:38] SPEAKER_00: Uh before men made more money.
[4:43] SPEAKER_00: And the gender roles and dynamics were very clear.
[4:48] SPEAKER_00: That's not the case anymore, especially if you're a black or a brown woman.
[4:52] SPEAKER_00: Like the data and the statistics say that, like, if you tease out the married individuals because women make 20% less when they're married and men make 20% more when they're married, that single black women make more than single black men.
[5:07] SPEAKER_00: And that changes the dynamics of well, who pays for this?
[5:11] SPEAKER_00: Well, how do we split up the finances?
[5:14] SPEAKER_00: Who has therefore more control or power in the relationship?
[5:18] SPEAKER_00: So those are the things that make it more complicated.
[5:20] SPEAKER_00: But to answer your question more directly, I don't necessarily think people have changed.
[5:24] SPEAKER_00: I just think that the ocean is bigger.
[5:26] SPEAKER_00: And so, because as humans we have a negativity bias, you're gonna have many more people that aren't your match than are, and that makes it feel like it's worse.
[5:36] SPEAKER_01: So you obviously have a lot of clients and you've been in this industry for quite some time.
[5:42] SPEAKER_01: What is the number one problem that you find women bring to you?
[5:46] SPEAKER_00: They say that there aren't um enough quality men out there.
[5:52] SPEAKER_01: And what are they looking for when they say that?
[5:55] SPEAKER_00: They're looking for income-based, they're looking for six figures, six pack, six feet tall.
[6:04] SPEAKER_00: Is that realistic?
[6:06] SPEAKER_00: So I'm always of the opinion that like your type is not your type, that actually your type is your trauma, and when you're able to actually heal the trauma, you will have the opportunity to actually widen your net and find your person.
[6:18] SPEAKER_00: So that's like what I do with my clients to make sure that they're not missing their person because they're not ready for them.
[6:26] SPEAKER_04: Let's get into that.
[6:26] SPEAKER_04: Your type is your trauma.
[6:28] SPEAKER_04: That's a loaded statement.
[6:29] SPEAKER_04: What do you mean by that?
[6:30] SPEAKER_00: What I mean is as humans, we will always be trying to fill our voids.
[6:38] SPEAKER_00: And so what will happen is so, for example, there are some ladies out there that like them a little bit older.
[6:45] SPEAKER_00: That's probably because you have a father wound that you're gonna need to deal with.
[6:49] SPEAKER_00: Some of the ladies out there, they they like the uglier guys.
[6:54] SPEAKER_00: That's no shade.
[6:55] SPEAKER_00: It's often because they have an abandonment wound and they think that these guys won't leave them.
[7:00] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[7:00] SPEAKER_00: So those are examples, right?
[7:02] SPEAKER_00: Bad boys, right?
[7:04] SPEAKER_00: Some people have types of bad boys.
[7:05] SPEAKER_00: It's because they're good girls and they haven't actually navigated the totality of who they are and the bad parts of themselves, the Christian girls, the school girls, you know?
[7:16] SPEAKER_00: And so that's what I'm talking about when I'm saying like your type is your trauma, and that like once you're able to heal those things inside of yourself, you'll be able to actually be open to the fact that, like, oh, like I always say, I always tell my clients, like, go for the nerds.
[7:33] SPEAKER_00: The nerds are, if you say that this guy's corny, then he has the potential to be your husband.
[7:39] SPEAKER_04: Is that what you mean when you say, or or maybe you you meant something different?
[7:42] SPEAKER_04: Your dream guy is not necessarily your husband.
[7:44] SPEAKER_00: That's 100% correct.
[7:46] SPEAKER_00: That's a hundred percent correct.
[7:48] SPEAKER_04: Is that a little bit of also being realistic?
[7:50] SPEAKER_00: Yes.
[7:50] SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of people are not realistic because of the paradox of choice that I was talking about earlier, right?
[7:56] SPEAKER_00: When you have thousands of people at your fingertips, you one can feel like, I don't have to talk to these people because there's always going to be something bigger and better out there.
[8:07] SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of people are skipping out on totally fine individuals because they're trying to maximize.
[8:15] SPEAKER_01: I feel like men aren't afraid to shoot outside of their league, right?
[8:19] SPEAKER_01: Whether it's attraction level, if they, you know, go for the woman that is gorgeous, drop dead gorgeous, even if he doesn't match her.
[8:27] SPEAKER_01: But women are always being told to be humble, stay in your place, you know, don't have too high of a standard.
[8:33] SPEAKER_01: So, what are realistic standards?
[8:35] SPEAKER_01: Like, how do you even know what are realistic standards for what you bring to the table?
[8:39] SPEAKER_00: I think you are a hundred percent correct.
[8:41] SPEAKER_00: I think that a lot of men, they shoot their shots outside of their bracket, maybe, but they do that professionally as well in their career.
[8:50] SPEAKER_00: So this is a socialization that I think women are starting to actually change the way that they're thinking about it, right?
[8:57] SPEAKER_00: I think the reason why things are really hard is because women are actually not settling like they used to as much.
[9:03] SPEAKER_00: And so we have this loneliness epidemic, male loneliness epidemic that so many people talk about, because yeah, I'm not gonna settle as much.
[9:11] SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's great.
[9:13] SPEAKER_00: I'm excited about that.
[9:14] SPEAKER_00: I think that my hope is that both men and women decide to do their own work so that they can be the people that are ready for the best relationship of their lives.
[9:24] SPEAKER_00: But to answer your question more directly, you were talking about how women are often told to settle.
[9:29] SPEAKER_00: And I think that there is an important decision that women need to make when it comes to their list, right?
[9:36] SPEAKER_00: I think that one of the things I talk to women every day, and oftentimes the things that are on their list do not correlate with a successful relationship outcome.
[9:46] SPEAKER_00: They're talking more about their wants, but not necessarily their needs.
[9:50] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I want someone who's funny too, but does that mean that that's gonna drive you for a 30 or 40-year relationship or marriage?
[9:58] SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily.
[10:00] SPEAKER_00: But things like attention, being cherished, unconditional love, nurturing, protection, respect of boundaries.
[10:10] SPEAKER_00: These are all relationship needs that I think are very important.
[10:13] SPEAKER_00: And I will just say that the way that I want people to think about their own needs on their list is based on what they didn't receive from their parents.
[10:23] SPEAKER_00: So that is the work that I want everyone to kind of do to make sure that they're really focused on what's going to sustain them more than anything else.
[10:34] SPEAKER_04: You've said it before, which I found fascinating.
[10:36] SPEAKER_04: Charisma and all of that kind of wears off after the first 18 months.
[10:40] SPEAKER_04: And then it gets real.
[10:42] SPEAKER_04: A lot of like the honeymoon phase.
[10:43] SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
[10:44] SPEAKER_00: Chemically speaking, the spark, chemistry, which is what a lot of people actually focus on, fades within 18 months.
[10:53] SPEAKER_00: And that's why you have a lot of relationships, marriages that are ending in the first two years, which is more prevalent, I think, in black and brown communities than other communities.
[11:04] SPEAKER_00: But a lot of us really focus on the physicality, the chemistry, because many of us, I think that there are three ways to connect physically, intellectually, and emotionally.
[11:18] SPEAKER_00: And when you grow up like us, we don't talk a lot about feelings in the home.
[11:24] SPEAKER_00: We're kind of just told what to do and what we should do, and we kind of do it.
[11:28] SPEAKER_00: Which means that many of us are emotionally centered.
[11:32] SPEAKER_00: And what happens is we will overly compensate for that emotional connection with the physical, which is the spark, which is chemistry, or the intellectual.
[11:46] SPEAKER_00: He's gotta, he's gotta be educated, right?
[11:48] SPEAKER_00: I want to talk to him about those the art that I saw at the museum.
[11:52] SPEAKER_00: Like he's gotta be able to and it is because we aren't as practiced with the emotional connection, with vulnerability, with speaking about our feelings, how do we feel?
[12:05] SPEAKER_01: Talk to me about that because there is there are certain ways that you can ask for what you want.
[12:12] SPEAKER_01: And you touched on doing it from within feminine energy rather than you know, masculine energy.
[12:20] SPEAKER_01: Can you tell me the difference of the two and how you can get the outcome that you want by using your emotions and tapping into your emotions?
[12:27] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, great question.
[12:29] SPEAKER_00: But I think that a lot of women, but I want to say specifically black and brown women, are very scared to be vulnerable.
[12:37] SPEAKER_00: And I what I think they've been taught is if you're vulnerable, you're weak.
[12:44] SPEAKER_00: And in dating and relationships, being vulnerable is probably like the hugest superpower that you can have.
[12:52] SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you why.
[12:53] SPEAKER_00: First, um when you're vulnerable, you are actually being able to evaluate your partner's like emotional capacity and sensitivity.
[13:04] SPEAKER_00: And respectfully speaking, most men don't have it.
[13:08] SPEAKER_00: So when you're not vulnerable, what happens is that you actually allow more people into your sphere.
[13:14] SPEAKER_00: And what generally happens is you start to warm up to them and you start to like them, and that's when you are vulnerable.
[13:22] SPEAKER_00: But at that point, it's too late and you're already sprung.
[13:24] SPEAKER_00: So it's harder to leave them.
[13:26] SPEAKER_00: And most people end up with emotionally unavailable partners because of that.
[13:30] SPEAKER_00: Versus learning and having the emotional confidence to be vulnerable from the get-go and being able to evaluate their emotional capacity then to be able to know if they're a great partner or not.
[13:43] SPEAKER_00: The other thing is the feminine energy is about leading with feelings, the masculine energy is about leading with head and thought and strategy and action.
[13:52] SPEAKER_00: Femininity is about, and I know it's ironic since I am a man talking about femininity, but it's about leading with feelings.
[13:58] SPEAKER_00: It's about being, it's not about doing.
[14:00] SPEAKER_00: And so when we're asking for what we want, I'm always of the mindset that we don't tell people what we want, we share with them how things would make us feel.
[14:11] SPEAKER_00: So this morning I was uh doing some role-playing with a coaching client of mine in Charlotte, and she's about to have an exclusivity conversation with her guy.
[14:21] SPEAKER_00: And what I was telling her is like when you're having this conversation, don't tell him I want to be in an exclusive relationship.
[14:28] SPEAKER_00: Right?
[14:29] SPEAKER_00: We don't tell men what to do, right?
[14:31] SPEAKER_00: What we do is we say, you know, it would I would be really happy if we were in an exclusive relationship.
[14:38] SPEAKER_00: We lead with the feeling first, but always because when you are leading with feelings, what happens is you will activate the masculine in your guy because it is very men are hardwired to want to protect you.
[14:57] SPEAKER_00: So your feelings will be the GPS roadmap for him to understand how he can protect you or not.
[15:03] SPEAKER_00: So when you're sharing, that makes me really feel sad, right?
[15:07] SPEAKER_00: Or yeah, I'm really disappointed in this.
[15:11] SPEAKER_00: That goes much further than trying to tell some man about himself.
[15:14] SPEAKER_04: That is it's that's such a powerful thing.
[15:16] SPEAKER_04: And it took me a while to learn that.
[15:18] SPEAKER_04: It's not that it's any less influential, it's I think it's even more powerful.
[15:21] SPEAKER_04: Totally.
[15:22] SPEAKER_04: Because sometimes they don't even realize what you're doing, and I don't think it's manipulative.
[15:26] SPEAKER_04: I just think it's a different, oh, different way, different way to approach um issues in the relationship.
[15:32] SPEAKER_04: So it can be as it can be as simple as saying we don't spend time together and you don't care and this, that, and the other, and just saying, I really miss you and I like spending time with you.
[15:41] SPEAKER_04: Right?
[15:41] SPEAKER_04: It's a totally different, different mindset.
[15:43] SPEAKER_00: The first one goes in one ear and not the other, and all he wants to do is appease you.
[15:47] SPEAKER_00: So he'll just say whatever for you to respectfully speaking, shut up.
[15:51] SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, I really miss the times that we would just like go to those random weekend trips.
[15:58] SPEAKER_00: And you remember that one time that we did, oh my God, that was so amazing.
[16:02] SPEAKER_00: You don't have to even tell him to do that.
[16:04] SPEAKER_00: Now you've inspired him, which is what the feminine energy is all about.
[16:08] SPEAKER_00: And now he's looking up trips to replay that because he wants to satisfy you.
[16:13] SPEAKER_00: Because if a man is truly in his masculine, his pleasure is derived from your pleasure.
[16:19] SPEAKER_02: Right.
[16:20] SPEAKER_04: So I'm curious though, on the kind of the flip side, what happens when y'all are both in your feminine and nothing happens, girl.
[16:27] SPEAKER_00: Somebody's on one side of the bar and someone's on the other side of the bar, and y'all just looking at each other like it's not missed that trip too.
[16:33] SPEAKER_00: Like it's a junior high dance.
[16:35] SPEAKER_01: What about both masculine though?
[16:37] SPEAKER_01: Actually, your button hands, which I'll be the first to admit that was me and my husband for the longest time because I'm just so like I've always been headstrong.
[16:44] SPEAKER_01: I've always been like, I got me independent black woman.
[16:47] SPEAKER_01: Um, and like Jeanette just said, it took me so long to realize that if I just do those, just change the way I communicate and say, like, it really makes me happy when this happens.
[16:57] SPEAKER_01: We even like outside of the dating phase, well into marriage, it is just an effective communication style.
[17:03] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[17:03] SPEAKER_00: 100%, 100%.
[17:05] SPEAKER_00: I will just say there are different levels of femininity, right?
[17:09] SPEAKER_00: There is kind of what I call level three, which is kind of codependent, right?
[17:14] SPEAKER_00: She's like calling him and texting him and like, you know, putting her whole world onto him, right?
[17:22] SPEAKER_00: That stresses a guy out and is overwhelming, and he's gonna want to run the other way.
[17:28] SPEAKER_00: Level two, which is where most black and brown women are, is Ms.
[17:32] SPEAKER_00: Independent, who does everything for herself because unfortunately she's had to and she hasn't had people to really rely on and depend on.
[17:40] SPEAKER_00: But when you say things like, I got it, he takes that as rejection.
[17:46] SPEAKER_00: He takes that as, oh, you don't think I can get it for you?
[17:49] SPEAKER_00: And he's gonna find a woman who he can be in his masculine with and feel actualized.
[17:55] SPEAKER_04: What would you say to people who are saying that's just protecting a fragile ego?
[17:59] SPEAKER_04: A man shouldn't because the reality is there there is some controversy about this whole like, you know, having to be feminine and you know, and and allowing him to be masculine.
[18:09] SPEAKER_04: What's your response to that?
[18:10] SPEAKER_00: Well, I will say that I think that there is a balance, right?
[18:14] SPEAKER_00: And I would just say like the level one of this is interdependence.
[18:18] SPEAKER_00: Whereas you allow someone to do something for you and you take something off of your plate, and that's okay too.
[18:24] SPEAKER_00: This whole feminine energy is about what feels good for you.
[18:29] SPEAKER_00: When you're talking about a man's ego, those people that are focused on that are doing it for him.
[18:36] SPEAKER_00: And there's an intention difference here, right?
[18:39] SPEAKER_00: The intention inside of yourself has to be how can I get the most pleasure from this experience?
[18:46] SPEAKER_00: That's the feminine, right?
[18:48] SPEAKER_00: How can I feel good?
[18:50] SPEAKER_00: And so if your intention is, it would feel really good for me to take a really nice bubble bath and he can do X, Y, and Z, that's great.
[19:00] SPEAKER_00: That's level one.
[19:01] SPEAKER_00: If it is, let me just make him busy so that he can get out of my hair and he can feel good about himself, the intention is off.
[19:09] SPEAKER_00: And the nature of the interaction will be off as well because men are very intuitive and they will sense that sort of energy as well.
[19:18] SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of people talk about women's intuition.
[19:21] SPEAKER_00: Men are very intuitive.
[19:23] SPEAKER_00: That's why predators can focus on women that have often been prey, right?
[19:29] SPEAKER_00: They're intuitive.
[19:30] SPEAKER_00: They see, oh, she's weak.
[19:33] SPEAKER_00: I can control her, I can manipulate her.
[19:35] SPEAKER_00: Right.
[19:36] SPEAKER_01: So on the flip side though, because to me, I feel like a red flag is if a man is like, I'm a provider, because I feel like there's an over-emphasis on just that, the monetary value that he brings to the table, but there is no emotional development, or there's no like what else?
[19:55] SPEAKER_01: Because I've always looked for a partner rather than a provider, something I could share with.
[19:59] SPEAKER_01: So how do you avoid someone who just leads with too much toxic masculinity?
[20:07] SPEAKER_00: I think that women that are in their masculine energy will attract those kinds of men.
[20:13] SPEAKER_00: And they will also attract the more dominant feminine men.
[20:17] SPEAKER_00: So relationships are really about the yin and the yang.
[20:19] SPEAKER_00: And a woman that's in her masculine energy will attract two kinds of men either a man that's in his hyper-toxic masculinity or a man that's in his dominant feminine energy.
[20:30] SPEAKER_00: And so those hyper-toxic masculine men will want to forcibly submit the women into their feminine, right?
[20:37] SPEAKER_00: In terms of like toxic masculine men and leading with providing, this is why it's important for women to show up on dates and take up space on like on dates as well.
[20:51] SPEAKER_00: I always tell my clients, like, I need you to be speaking 50% of the time.
[20:56] SPEAKER_00: I need you to be sharing your vulnerability and seeing how he responds.
[21:00] SPEAKER_00: Don't be afraid to brag and see how he responds to that.
[21:04] SPEAKER_00: So a lot of traditional kind of advice for women has been let him talk.
[21:10] SPEAKER_00: He'll, he'll like you, he'll fall in love with you if you just like let him talk.
[21:14] SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I I work with very powerful, successful women who don't need to play small, like because that's not who they are.
[21:23] SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's important for you to show up as your full authentic self on these dates.
[21:29] SPEAKER_00: And I know that sounds really cliche, but especially when it comes to black and brown women, I know that they split themselves in their lives.
[21:36] SPEAKER_00: They code switch, right?
[21:38] SPEAKER_04: That makes sense though, because it's basically you want the dynamic of that first date to be similar to what the relationship itself would be.
[21:45] SPEAKER_00: 100%.
[21:45] SPEAKER_04: Right.
[21:46] SPEAKER_04: Um, I want to kind of run through because there's a lot of kind of ideas and and beliefs that you have that I think are really fascinating.
[21:52] SPEAKER_03: Okay.
[21:53] SPEAKER_04: There's one that really leans heavily on self awareness and being realistic.
[21:58] SPEAKER_04: Okay.
[21:59] SPEAKER_04: Knowing your market.
[22:00] SPEAKER_04: Market value and where you rank and what that means.
[22:04] SPEAKER_04: Because at the end of the day, on the dating scene, a lot of it is how you were perceived.
[22:08] SPEAKER_04: Please talk to me about that.
[22:10] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, well, this was something I don't really get a lot of negativity or like, you know, pushback on my videos.
[22:19] SPEAKER_00: But this was one of the videos that I got a lot of pushback because, you know, unfortunately, dating is an economy, right?
[22:28] SPEAKER_00: And we are all products in that economy.
[22:32] SPEAKER_00: And we all have value.
[22:35] SPEAKER_00: I think we all have amazing value, but your value is not derived by what you think of yourself.
[22:41] SPEAKER_00: Your value is derived based on how you're perceived.
[22:46] SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I try to keep it as real as possible because that's really what it's about.
[22:51] SPEAKER_00: And I also think it's important to realize I think a lot of women think that just because they're gorgeous or beautiful, that they're going to be successful in dating.
[23:00] SPEAKER_00: And I will tell you that my most difficult clients are the most traditionally beautiful.
[23:06] SPEAKER_04: So the most beautiful women have tend to have the most challenges in dating.
[23:11] SPEAKER_00: The hardest time.
[23:12] SPEAKER_04: Why is that?
[23:13] SPEAKER_00: Because we naturally look for people that are on our level, right?
[23:19] SPEAKER_00: Whether it is educationally, um looks-wise.
[23:22] SPEAKER_00: But the thing is, let's say on a scale from zero to ten, you are a nine, physically speaking.
[23:30] SPEAKER_00: You're gonna look for nines and tens.
[23:32] SPEAKER_00: Should you not?
[23:32] SPEAKER_00: No, you totally get to do whatever the hell you want to.
[23:35] SPEAKER_00: You're grown.
[23:37] SPEAKER_00: But what I'm saying is men that are nines, they're engaging with five, six, seven, eights, nines, because it's easier.
[23:46] SPEAKER_00: It's easier.
[23:47] SPEAKER_00: And respectfully speaking, those five, six, and sevens will feel really grateful to be with a nine and will have sex with them earlier.
[23:57] SPEAKER_01: So the issue that I've seen a few of my girlfriends bring up is that they are beautiful, they are successful.
[24:04] SPEAKER_01: And even if you just talk about, we're talking about looks, right?
[24:08] SPEAKER_01: A lot of men pursue them.
[24:10] SPEAKER_01: They have so much energy in the beginning.
[24:12] SPEAKER_01: They are whining and dining them, and then it just fizzles off.
[24:15] SPEAKER_01: And so why do you find that to be the case where you can't sustain a relationship?
[24:21] SPEAKER_01: Or you find that people are interested in the beginning and then they lose interest.
[24:26] SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes it's because uh men don't find an emotional connection with them that there hasn't been true vulnerability.
[24:36] SPEAKER_00: It's not enough to just talk about work.
[24:39] SPEAKER_00: Men have to feel seen and not just, you know, thanked for what they do, right?
[24:44] SPEAKER_00: I always say like the wife formula is homie, lover, friend, right?
[24:48] SPEAKER_00: Are you a homie?
[24:49] SPEAKER_00: Are you a lover?
[24:51] SPEAKER_00: Are you a friend?
[24:52] SPEAKER_00: And most of those very smart and successful women kind of tend to just be lovers.
[24:59] SPEAKER_04: I wonder if this has any uh any relation to something you said about I say a lot of stuff, girl.
[25:05] SPEAKER_00: I and I think it's fascinating.
[25:07] SPEAKER_04: Like I actually have to back too because I got notes.
[25:10] SPEAKER_04: I'm like, oh my gosh, this is a good one.
[25:12] SPEAKER_04: You said there's a big difference in success rates between women who date to marry and women who date for fun.
[25:19] SPEAKER_04: What's the difference in approach?
[25:21] SPEAKER_04: And does that relate to what you're saying here as far as um being the homie?
[25:25] SPEAKER_00: The a little bit.
[25:26] SPEAKER_00: The women that that are dating for marriage actually get more disappointed and more frustrated because they're thinking that every guy that they talk to can be the one.
[25:37] SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
[25:38] SPEAKER_00: 97% of the guys that you talk to, you won't have a third date with.
[25:43] SPEAKER_00: So think about that balance of disappointment to quote unquote success.
[25:48] SPEAKER_00: And you will realize that those women that actually date to marry, they have more of a start and stop pattern when it comes to dating.
[25:56] SPEAKER_00: And when you have a start and stop pattern, what happens is that when you stop, you lose all of your dating momentum and your results.
[26:02] SPEAKER_01: So you should have a roster.
[26:04] SPEAKER_00: Always, always.
[26:05] SPEAKER_00: I call it Olympic dating.
[26:07] SPEAKER_00: You gotta have a gold medalist, a silver medalist, and a bronze medalist.
[26:10] SPEAKER_04: Expand on that for me.
[26:12] SPEAKER_04: Because some people would say, You got too much going on, you're not focusing on one thing, so your attention is divided.
[26:17] SPEAKER_00: It should be.
[26:19] SPEAKER_00: It should be because none of these men are the one until they're the one, right?
[26:25] SPEAKER_00: So, and it's interesting.
[26:26] SPEAKER_00: A lot of women say, Oh, but I can't do that.
[26:29] SPEAKER_00: It's too much.
[26:30] SPEAKER_00: And to the women that say that, I say, it is probably too much because you're treating one man and giving 100% of your energy to each man.
[26:39] SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, you're expending 300% of your energy and heart space and love.
[26:46] SPEAKER_00: And each of these men should have 33%.
[26:48] SPEAKER_04: Should the men know that they are one of many?
[26:50] SPEAKER_00: If they ask, we should be honest.
[26:52] SPEAKER_00: Oh, what I know for sure is that men who are very determined about you don't care.
[27:00] SPEAKER_00: Because they know that they will win in the end.
[27:02] SPEAKER_04: They probably like the competition.
[27:04] SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
[27:05] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but because they know that they're not gonna stop.
[27:08] SPEAKER_00: Most men have an issue with this, though.
[27:11] SPEAKER_01: It's a bad bitch formula.
[27:12] SPEAKER_01: I love it.
[27:13] SPEAKER_00: They have they have an issue with this because they want all your time and attention.
[27:17] SPEAKER_00: This is a power and control thing.
[27:19] SPEAKER_00: So when he asks you, hey, are you seeing other people?
[27:23] SPEAKER_00: Yes, I'm dating until I am in an exclusive, committed relationship.
[27:27] SPEAKER_00: And if they have a problem with them, let it go.
[27:29] SPEAKER_04: What are the five, the top five red flags you should look out for?
[27:32] SPEAKER_04: Like, absolutely don't even don't even waste your time.
[27:35] SPEAKER_00: Well, I will tell you this.
[27:36] SPEAKER_00: I don't really deal in red flags or green flags.
[27:38] SPEAKER_00: It's like not my thing.
[27:40] SPEAKER_00: And I say that because I think that when we're focused on red flags, we're always looking at things externally.
[27:49] SPEAKER_04: What do you mean by that?
[27:50] SPEAKER_00: He does this.
[27:52] SPEAKER_00: That's a red flag.
[27:53] SPEAKER_00: It's actually centering the man.
[27:55] SPEAKER_00: And I want my clients and I want the women out there to really focus on how things make them feel and really being able to check in with themselves.
[28:04] SPEAKER_00: Because I will tell you, I have some clients that are really busy doctors and don't want to be text throughout the day.
[28:11] SPEAKER_00: And like text me at night or text me on the weekends when I'm off.
[28:14] SPEAKER_00: I have some clients that if they don't get a text in a day, spiral.
[28:19] SPEAKER_04: So you're saying red flags are subjective.
[28:21] SPEAKER_04: Depends on.
[28:22] SPEAKER_04: 100%, right?
[28:23] SPEAKER_00: But because it's based on our lived experience and how things make us feel.
[28:27] SPEAKER_00: And so, because I always say this your job as a woman in a relationship is to know how you feel and express it.
[28:35] SPEAKER_00: That's it.
[28:36] SPEAKER_01: So I've always felt like the 50-50 conversation or like even the first date, like who pays or how long he pays or what he buys you.
[28:43] SPEAKER_01: I feel like sometimes women use that to gauge how a man sees them, right?
[28:50] SPEAKER_01: Do you value me?
[28:51] SPEAKER_01: How much do you value me?
[28:52] SPEAKER_01: Enough to buy me this or you know, pay for all the dates or whatnot.
[28:56] SPEAKER_01: I don't think that's necessarily the case, but how do you gauge how someone sees you and how much they value you?
[29:04] SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about the money thing because I think it's very important.
[29:08] SPEAKER_00: And I think specifically for black and brown women, I think many women, and maybe they'll say this in the comments or not, it is a way for them to gauge whether the person that they're talking to is poor or not.
[29:20] SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, they've had to deal with a lot of people that just never could potentially have a relationship because they were not stabilized in their career.
[29:28] SPEAKER_00: And most men have to be stabilized in their career to even be relationship ready.
[29:32] SPEAKER_00: Um, so I understand that it was and is an evaluation tool in dating.
[29:37] SPEAKER_00: I will also say if we're gonna kind of peel the onion a little bit, many of us growing up had both of our parents or who whatever parents you had in the household working a lot.
[29:48] SPEAKER_00: So they weren't really home.
[29:49] SPEAKER_00: And when they were home, they were tired.
[29:51] SPEAKER_00: They had been beaten up by society for a variety of reasons.
[29:55] SPEAKER_00: And so what happens is a lot of black and brown parents overcompensate in on birthdays and Christmas and give you lots of presents because they weren't there to give you the quality time.
[30:09] SPEAKER_00: And so what happens is many of us will correlate that with love.
[30:14] SPEAKER_00: And it's not.
[30:16] SPEAKER_00: And so I think it's important to understand some of the context that happens in our lived experience so that we can understand where it comes from.
[30:24] SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm someone who is very much about coffee dates.
[30:27] SPEAKER_00: I think it versus like a dinner date, you're saying.
[30:31] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I wouldn't I would never want my clients to have a dinner date for the first date.
[30:34] SPEAKER_01: And that's controversial.
[30:36] SPEAKER_01: A lot of people say, no, I'm not gonna get out of the house and put a makeup on and dress up for anything less than a$200 dinner.
[30:44] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[30:45] SPEAKER_00: The thing is, a lot of toxic and narcissistic men will want to woo you in that way to get them into their spider web, right?
[30:55] SPEAKER_00: And so a coffee date, I think, is really helpful because it is hard to hide when I'm just talking to you.
[31:04] SPEAKER_00: And also, to be honest with you, most well most wealthy men actually prefer coffee dates than like these fancy dinner dates.
[31:13] SPEAKER_00: And it is because wealthy men do their due diligence before they invest in anything.
[31:19] SPEAKER_00: So they want to know shall I invest in this courtship or not?
[31:25] SPEAKER_00: Right?
[31:26] SPEAKER_00: Versus someone that's a little bit more flashy and just wants to impress you so that you can be wooed and maybe your evaluation of him can be biased because I'm at Nobu, right?
[31:36] SPEAKER_00: And this is like such a cool experience.
[31:38] SPEAKER_00: And so I'm actually now, because I've had that date, I'm evaluating the date in totality and not the dater.
[31:47] SPEAKER_01: And Anwar, what would you say though, for someone who says that you're setting the stage, that you're low maintenance, that you're okay with something like that?
[31:55] SPEAKER_00: I'm someone who encourages my clients to see the trajectory of the courtship, right?
[32:02] SPEAKER_00: So you want to see do things start to, is there more and more investment as the courtship goes on, right?
[32:09] SPEAKER_00: Like if I'm doing a coffee date and date five, that's that's a no-for-me dog.
[32:15] SPEAKER_04: What are your views on dating, dating potential?
[32:19] SPEAKER_00: Um I don't believe in potential.
[32:22] SPEAKER_00: For me, I think, you know, I used to on Saturday mornings go with my mom and we used to shop at thrift stores all day long.
[32:31] SPEAKER_00: And I think of potential in the same way as I think of those those Saturday mornings shopping with her, which is there's a lot of as-is signs on the merchandise.
[32:42] SPEAKER_00: And I think it, I think potential is not real.
[32:46] SPEAKER_00: I think it's imaginary, and I think it's a projection of what you want, but not what is.
[32:50] SPEAKER_00: And so you play yourself when you date based on potential because it's not promised.
[32:55] SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes when you are thinking about this person's potential, if we're going to be very deep, it's really about the potential that you want for yourself, and that's what you need to explore.
[33:06] SPEAKER_04: Or I've heard too, which I thought was really deep, you're projecting onto them what you want them to be.
[33:12] SPEAKER_04: And sometimes you're missing that this is not the path that they're on.
[33:16] SPEAKER_04: Or if you were them, this is what I would do.
[33:18] SPEAKER_00: That's exactly right.
[33:18] SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm saying.
[33:20] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[33:20] SPEAKER_00: And it's unfair.
[33:21] SPEAKER_00: It's unfair to them and it's unfair to yourself.
[33:24] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[33:24] SPEAKER_01: So one of the big reasons why a lot of brown and black women have issues dating is because they also want another brown and black man, right?
[33:35] SPEAKER_01: And they limit their dating pool to I want to date only black men, for example.
[33:41] SPEAKER_01: And that can, you know, lead to some issues.
[33:44] SPEAKER_01: But what are your thoughts on that?
[33:45] SPEAKER_01: Should you date outside of your race?
[33:47] SPEAKER_00: I think you should date everyone.
[33:49] SPEAKER_00: And I think that the best man should win.
[33:52] SPEAKER_00: And I think that when you open up yourself to everyone, I run the numbers, you step an extra chance of finding love.
[34:01] SPEAKER_01: What about cultural nuances?
[34:03] SPEAKER_00: I think that there are, there's so much technology in social media that more and more people have more exposure to what is available, right?
[34:13] SPEAKER_00: And are able to inhabit a variety of different spaces.
[34:17] SPEAKER_00: And so I understand that there are different lived experiences and different cultures.
[34:22] SPEAKER_00: But I also know that those things, if you're in a relationship with someone that is open-minded and accepting and curious and gives you the space to share your lived experience and honors that, there's nothing that can stop you.
[34:38] SPEAKER_04: You know, you had mentioned over 90% of black women date within their race.
[34:42] SPEAKER_04: And when you're running through all the things we want over six feet, I want them to be highly educated, I want them to have all of these things.
[34:48] SPEAKER_04: The numbers get pretty grim as far as what your options are.
[34:51] SPEAKER_04: 0.07% is what you have left over once you take all those things you have to do.
[34:56] SPEAKER_00: You have the black man, black men that make over six figures.
[35:00] SPEAKER_00: I think it's like three to four percent, something like that.
[35:03] SPEAKER_00: Versus 13% for other men.
[35:05] SPEAKER_04: So you're a big advocate, given that you're a numbers guy, that black women need to date outside of their race if they want a higher chance of finding love.
[35:14] SPEAKER_00: I think that they need to date everyone.
[35:17] SPEAKER_00: I will tell you, 50% of my clients still end up with black men.
[35:21] SPEAKER_00: Healthy black men.
[35:23] SPEAKER_00: Right?
[35:24] SPEAKER_00: And so, again, this is about making sure that the best person for you wins and that you match with that person.
[35:31] SPEAKER_01: I wanted to talk about preferences really quickly because you talked about the dating app statistics and how white women are preferred more.
[35:38] SPEAKER_01: I think you said 33%.
[35:40] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[35:40] SPEAKER_01: More likely.
[35:41] SPEAKER_00: Have higher response rates and match rates and conversation rates.
[35:44] SPEAKER_01: Right.
[35:44] SPEAKER_01: So just within that, like I want to talk about that because I feel like even within the black community, there's a lot of colorism, featurism, texturism, all these like let's just go down the road.
[36:00] SPEAKER_01: And so, how do you date when there's so much of negativity coming your way?
[36:05] SPEAKER_01: And like men who say you're not my type, or I have a preference, or this, and just navigating all of that negativity.
[36:13] SPEAKER_00: Well, I think it's a great question.
[36:15] SPEAKER_00: And that's why I say I want ever all black women, brown women to date everyone, because if you're hyper focused on just black or brown men, what happens is you actually have that much more pronounced, right?
[36:28] SPEAKER_00: The colorism, the texturism versus, you know, white men that are into black or brown women, they love 4C hair.
[36:38] SPEAKER_00: They don't care about it, right?
[36:40] SPEAKER_00: Actually prefer it.
[36:42] SPEAKER_00: Right.
[36:42] SPEAKER_00: So, and they prefer darker skin, right?
[36:45] SPEAKER_00: And so that's why I say I think it's important to be able to have those experiences so that you understand that, like, there are people that are checking for me.
[36:54] SPEAKER_00: And the more people that you have, the better.
[36:57] SPEAKER_04: Let's first, for people who are on the dating scene right now, you say it's pretty much a game and you gotta learn how to play it.
[37:03] SPEAKER_04: What's the strategy?
[37:04] SPEAKER_04: Like, how do I, what do I do?
[37:06] SPEAKER_04: What do I not do?
[37:07] SPEAKER_04: What are the best apps to be on?
[37:08] SPEAKER_04: What time of the year?
[37:09] SPEAKER_04: You say there's a month you should absolutely not be on these apps.
[37:12] SPEAKER_04: So run through it.
[37:13] SPEAKER_04: What are the tips?
[37:14] SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm gonna give you what I can.
[37:16] SPEAKER_00: Most of y'all gonna do it.
[37:19] SPEAKER_00: You're my own.
[37:21] SPEAKER_00: You're my girls, you're my girls.
[37:23] SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do what I can, as my mother would say, forgot in my country.
[37:27] SPEAKER_00: Um, definitely don't be on the apps in December.
[37:29] SPEAKER_00: Like they're quality men, they're not on apps, they're finishing up Q4, like they're with family and friends, so not on apps.
[37:36] SPEAKER_04: But it's the season of love, and like, you know, it's Christmas.
[37:39] SPEAKER_04: It's no, we're not feeling all that.
[37:42] SPEAKER_00: Those men, you know, a lot of men that are married will go on apps during that time to get away from their families.
[37:48] SPEAKER_04: Okay, never mind.
[37:49] SPEAKER_00: No shade.
[37:49] SPEAKER_00: It's a different just giving you the T.
[37:52] SPEAKER_00: Um, January is what I call the Super Bowl of dating.
[37:54] SPEAKER_00: So you want to pay for apps in January, the first three weeks.
[37:57] SPEAKER_00: That's when you have 40 to 50 percent more people on the apps, new people that never really go on apps because they have this New Year's resolution of finding love.
[38:05] SPEAKER_00: So that's if you want to pay for apps, that that's when I would pay for and your radius.
[38:08] SPEAKER_01: Do you keep it within your city?
[38:09] SPEAKER_01: Do you expand?
[38:10] SPEAKER_00: You expand, uh, especially if you're in California, you gotta have a very wide radius.
[38:15] SPEAKER_00: If you're in Texas, you wanna be changing your cities.
[38:18] SPEAKER_00: If you're in Houston, you should be in Houston one week, you should be in Dallas another week, you should be in Austin another week.
[38:24] SPEAKER_04: Why is that?
[38:24] SPEAKER_00: Honey, that Texas, Florida, Atlanta, California, they're the hardest places to date.
[38:31] SPEAKER_01: Really?
[38:32] SPEAKER_01: California as a black woman is atrocious.
[38:34] SPEAKER_00: California is racist.
[38:38] SPEAKER_00: The way people don't think that because it's calorie and it's cool and it's chill.
[38:46] SPEAKER_00: I'm from Southern California.
[38:48] SPEAKER_04: We do.
[38:49] SPEAKER_00: So when I say this, I'm saying this as someone who loves California.
[38:52] SPEAKER_00: Firsthand stuff.
[38:53] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[38:54] SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'll tell you firsthand.
[38:55] SPEAKER_01: Black men don't date black women, and then everyone else is a little up in the air.
[38:59] SPEAKER_01: Or they like it's more fetishized.
[39:01] SPEAKER_01: But that was the one thing it took me moving out to the East Coast to say to even like recalibrate my brain.
[39:08] SPEAKER_01: Exactly, and realize, oh wait, there are black men that like black women.
[39:11] SPEAKER_04: What?
[39:12] SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
[39:13] SPEAKER_04: So bios, anything I should look out for.
[39:15] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
[39:16] SPEAKER_00: So a couple of things.
[39:18] SPEAKER_00: So let's start online and then we'll go offline.
[39:20] SPEAKER_00: Online, you want to have at least one black and white picture.
[39:23] SPEAKER_00: Those get about 104, 107% more likes.
[39:26] SPEAKER_00: Everyone looks beautiful in black and white.
[39:28] SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
[39:28] SPEAKER_00: So that's one thing that you definitely want.
[39:30] SPEAKER_00: Smiling always with teeth, no sunglasses.
[39:34] SPEAKER_00: I need to see more clothing than skin, right?
[39:37] SPEAKER_00: I'm not a prude, but you will attract more of the wolves when you have a mini dress on.
[39:43] SPEAKER_00: When so that's just that.
[39:46] SPEAKER_00: In terms of prompts, I always say, you know, don't just answer the what, but answer the why, right?
[39:53] SPEAKER_00: So for example, if the question is, you know, what's your favorite love language?
[39:56] SPEAKER_00: Don't just say acts of service, right?
[39:59] SPEAKER_00: Say acts of service because, you know, I am someone who really, I'm a hard worker and I value, you know, work ethic or whatever it may be, just so that you have more of a stance and the reader gets to know who you are.
[40:12] SPEAKER_00: The other thing that I would say, whether it's in prompts or on bios, is don't be afraid to like ask a question to really prompt the reader to respond to your profile because the objective of the profile is not to find your husband.
[40:27] SPEAKER_00: The objective is to start conversation.
[40:29] SPEAKER_00: So you want to make sure that you have that.
[40:31] SPEAKER_00: I will also say, and I don't really talk about this in public, but I'll do it for my girls, make sure that you're indicating what sort of places you like to go for dates.
[40:40] SPEAKER_04: How do you do that?
[40:41] SPEAKER_00: By saying things like, I really, you know, on the weekends you'll find me checking out the newest Italian spot or going to a comedy club or what have you, because men will go back to your profile seven or eight times while they're talking to you and getting to know you.
[41:02] SPEAKER_00: And so when it comes to, you know, dating, they'll know exactly what to do.
[41:09] SPEAKER_01: How do you become irresistible?
[41:11] SPEAKER_00: I think it's important for women to be very self-centered and selfish.
[41:18] SPEAKER_00: And I think that most women aren't socialized to do that.
[41:22] SPEAKER_00: But I actually think that you become irresistible when you become irresistible to yourself.
[41:29] SPEAKER_00: Which is like you just can't get enough of you.
[41:31] SPEAKER_00: Yeah and that will radiate and attract everyone.
[41:35] SPEAKER_04: The right man will love a woman who loves herself.
[41:38] SPEAKER_00: You have to love yourself to actually inspire him to love you even more than how he would want to naturally love you.
[41:48] SPEAKER_00: That's how they decide.
[41:50] SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
[41:51] SPEAKER_04: You have um some key deadlines or timelines, I'll say.
[41:56] SPEAKER_00: Some time boundaries.
[41:57] SPEAKER_04: Yes, time boundaries.
[41:58] SPEAKER_04: Uh, what are they?
[42:00] SPEAKER_04: When should we be exclusive?
[42:01] SPEAKER_04: When do we go to the bedroom?
[42:03] SPEAKER_04: All of that.
[42:06] SPEAKER_04: I'm trying to get this in because we're running out of time, but I need I need to get this in.
[42:09] SPEAKER_04: I love this.
[42:10] SPEAKER_04: Yes.
[42:11] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, no problem.
[42:12] SPEAKER_00: So I think it's important to just let women know that you are the leaders of your own love life.
[42:21] SPEAKER_00: You're the CEO of your love life, and you get to set the pace and the emotional depth of all your courtships.
[42:29] SPEAKER_00: A lot of women are acting like the interns and not taking on that role.
[42:33] SPEAKER_00: And so it's very important for you just to remember that you're the CEO.
[42:36] SPEAKER_00: So when I talk about these timelines, it is because you own this shit, right?
[42:42] SPEAKER_00: And I want every woman to make sure that they understand that and really live in that.
[42:48] SPEAKER_00: So, in terms of like dating time boundaries, I always say when you meet a guy, whether that it's offline or online, he has a week to ask you out.
[42:57] SPEAKER_00: If he doesn't, he's out.
[42:59] SPEAKER_00: If uh he doesn't continue asking you out every week, you need to be going on a data week.
[43:05] SPEAKER_00: If he doesn't, he's out.
[43:07] SPEAKER_00: If you're not exclusive within three months, he's out.
[43:11] SPEAKER_00: I literally I have had so many women have the exclusivity conversation at the three months, and he's like, give me a little bit of time.
[43:20] SPEAKER_00: It's never lasted more than a month.
[43:22] SPEAKER_02: I know men hate to see Anwar coming because you don't play.
[43:26] SPEAKER_00: No, but that's you have to.
[43:27] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[43:28] SPEAKER_00: Because a man knows.
[43:29] SPEAKER_00: So what's very important.
[43:31] SPEAKER_04: Speaking of then, marriage, is it two, five years?
[43:34] SPEAKER_04: Do we play it by ear?
[43:36] SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I don't even know what play it by ear means.
[43:39] SPEAKER_00: But what I will say is I always tell my clients within two years you want to be engaged or married.
[43:45] SPEAKER_04: Two years.
[43:46] SPEAKER_00: A man knows within six months.
[43:48] SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
[43:49] SPEAKER_00: And statistically, what they say is your probability of getting married and staying married for a long period of time goes from 54% to seven 17%.
[44:00] SPEAKER_00: If you get married after the two-year mark.
[44:02] SPEAKER_01: Really?
[44:03] SPEAKER_01: Does it matter if you move in before or after getting married?
[44:06] SPEAKER_00: In my experience, I haven't seen much of a difference, but I know that there are cultural norms.
[44:10] SPEAKER_00: Like my African sisters would never do that.
[44:13] unknown: No.
[44:13] SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
[44:14] SPEAKER_00: They wouldn't.
[44:15] SPEAKER_01: And they would also tell you what they want.
[44:17] SPEAKER_01: I feel like other cultures, it's like people are more direct.
[44:20] SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
[44:20] SPEAKER_04: I did want to, because there's gonna be a lot of women who are gonna want to hit you.
[44:22] SPEAKER_04: I know you got women slide into your DMs left and right.
[44:25] SPEAKER_04: How can they work with you?
[44:27] SPEAKER_04: If I'm a client of yours, well, if I want to be, how do I do that?
[44:30] SPEAKER_04: And what's the process briefly?
[44:32] SPEAKER_04: What does it look like?
[44:33] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so uh I do have a lot of DMs and I love them.
[44:37] SPEAKER_00: So they book uh they fill out an application and they book a consultation call and we figure out if there's a good fit or not.
[44:44] SPEAKER_00: So I came here, I was on the phone with someone who wanted to work with us, and so she's gonna work with us.
[44:49] SPEAKER_00: But I will tell you, not everyone's ready.
[44:52] SPEAKER_00: So don't shade me because I feel like you need three to six months of shit of therapy.
[44:56] SPEAKER_04: I would take it pretty hard if a dating if a dating coach rejects.
[45:00] SPEAKER_00: But it's not rejection because I will follow up in six months and be like, okay, girl, where are we at?
[45:05] SPEAKER_00: Did you because this is also about coachability, right?
[45:09] SPEAKER_00: And not everyone's coachable.
[45:10] SPEAKER_00: That's a good point.
[45:11] SPEAKER_00: That's why a third of the women that I talk to, I say, let's do this and let's come back in six months and see where you're at.
[45:17] SPEAKER_04: What's your success rate?
[45:18] SPEAKER_00: So for my VIP clients, we have roughly 80%, plus or minus 5% that get into relationships.
[45:24] SPEAKER_00: In terms of my get your guy club, that's closer to about 50% of women that get into relationships.
[45:29] SPEAKER_00: So that's not as intense.
[45:30] SPEAKER_00: That's why I was saying, like every other day, there's a woman that's getting into a relationship.
[45:34] SPEAKER_00: Or we have about one to two engagements a month that that's happening.
[45:37] SPEAKER_01: When do you let the bird fly?
[45:39] SPEAKER_01: Is it or do you see them all the way through to the altar?
[45:41] SPEAKER_01: Are you a best man sometimes?
[45:43] SPEAKER_00: Well, I I will be in the deep.
[45:45] SPEAKER_00: Are you in marriage counseling?
[45:49] SPEAKER_00: No.
[45:50] SPEAKER_00: Uh, support them.
[45:53] SPEAKER_00: I support them until they don't want to be supported anymore.
[45:55] SPEAKER_01: So well into the relationship, even marriage?
[45:58] unknown: Oh wow.
[45:59] SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so that's that's available.
[46:01] SPEAKER_00: Um, I go to maybe two to four weddings a year.
[46:05] SPEAKER_01: Wow.
[46:06] SPEAKER_00: So I'll be in the DR in June.
[46:08] SPEAKER_00: And then I have another wedding in January that I promise to go to.
[46:11] SPEAKER_01: My last question: how good does that feel for you?
[46:14] SPEAKER_00: Respectfully speaking, I don't care if my clients get into relationships because this work is about them.
[46:24] SPEAKER_00: It's about them becoming the women that are ready for the best relationship of their life.
[46:28] SPEAKER_00: This work has always been about them.
[46:30] SPEAKER_00: It will always be about them.
[46:31] SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, relationships are great.
[46:35] SPEAKER_00: I think that they're great growth vehicles, development opportunities for these women.
[46:39] SPEAKER_00: But I'm really focused on making sure that when they started and when they ended, they are two very different women.
[46:48] SPEAKER_04: You know, to wrap here, one of the things I love about you is that you you genuinely love black and brown women.
[46:54] SPEAKER_04: And it's so needed, especially in this space, because I think we get this messaging of you need to do this, you need to be better, you need to make yourself smaller to fit into this box to finally be a wife, even if it's at your own expense.
[47:07] SPEAKER_04: And I love that you you make that journey so much more healthy.
[47:11] SPEAKER_04: So thank you.
[47:12] SPEAKER_04: Thank you for that.
[47:13] SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
[47:14] SPEAKER_00: That's an honor.
[47:15] SPEAKER_01: Appreciate your time.
[47:16] SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
[47:17] SPEAKER_01: And thank you guys for joining us for another episode of Off the Record.
[47:20] SPEAKER_01: Make sure to subscribe and you can follow us on Instagram at Off the Record Podcast.

Shows are listed from Apple Podcasts' charts and directory, and Podcast Index where it is used. Every show and episode belongs to its publisher and plays from the publisher's own feed; this site hosts none of them.