# Thirty & Up | Content of Character | Class 20 | Ustadh AbdelRahman Murphy

An episode of [Heartwork | Ustadh AbdelRahman Murphy](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1747587869), 10 Dec 2025, 1 h 02 min.

Audio: https://mcdn.podbean.com/mf/web/x1eg6iuqgwtng6nn/yt_video_AY3E5PcLjWI_vgxzdx.mp3

Become a sustainer at http://rootsdfw.org/sustain

## Transcript

[0:46] Sorry, one second.
[0:52] Okay,
[0:58] welcome home everybody. Um, welcome back
[1:01] to our continued study of the content of
[1:04] character.
[1:06] um which is trying to beautify not only
[1:08] our external but our internal and
[1:11] keeping ourselves polished on the inside
[1:14] not only worrying about our appearance
[1:16] on the outside as the prophetatam he
[1:18] taught us that it's a it's equally
[1:21] important that we emphasize the
[1:23] refinement of one's of our character and
[1:25] not only taking care of our appearances.
[1:29] Um tonight's hadith is
[1:33] kind of multiaceted. Um, it's one of
[1:36] those narrations that really has kind of
[1:38] two sides to it. How it's uh applied and
[1:42] how it's received or how it is executed
[1:44] and how it's handled. Um, real quick,
[1:47] uh, Reman, can you hear me? Can you just
[1:49] turn off the the Spotify? I sound like
[1:52] I'm like on a late night.
[1:55] \[laughter\]
[1:56] Thought for a second I just power
[1:58] through it, but thank you.
[2:00] It's like I'm either in like a hotel in
[2:02] New York and it's like really late or
[2:04] like an elevator. Okay. So,
[2:07] so the hadith is is is a demonstration
[2:10] of really the beauty of how Islam
[2:13] teaches the prophetatam you know and and
[2:16] the way the Quran was revealed uh it
[2:19] always encompasses that there's going to
[2:21] be two sides to this to to any sort of
[2:24] conversation. For example, we know for
[2:27] we've heard probably many times that
[2:29] it's the right of the parents \[snorts\]
[2:31] upon their children that their children
[2:34] uh love, respect and do their best in
[2:36] serving their parents. Right? We've
[2:38] heard this before. Okay. Um we there's
[2:41] also many narrations and even verses in
[2:44] the Quran where Allah addresses to those
[2:47] people who are in places of
[2:48] responsibility including parents that
[2:51] they have to engage with children in a
[2:54] way that's merciful.
[2:56] And what happens when you ignore one
[2:58] half of the equation is you end up
[3:01] experiencing imbalance that can lead to
[3:04] oppression or neglect. So if somebody
[3:06] only focuses for example on the rights
[3:09] that they have over their children but
[3:12] they don't focus on the responsibilities
[3:14] that they have to their children then
[3:16] they end up potentially committing some
[3:18] kind of abuse. May Allah protect us.
[3:21] Or if somebody focuses too much on the
[3:24] fact that my parents have to be merciful
[3:26] to me and I'm not going to even consider
[3:28] or think about the fact that I have to
[3:31] take care of my parents and do my best
[3:33] with my parents. then they end up
[3:34] falling into the trap of neglecting
[3:36] their parents. So Islam always gives us
[3:39] and this is something that always taught
[3:41] us if you look at any ethic in the
[3:43] Islamic tradition both sides are always
[3:46] covered right and when you find like the
[3:49] disintegration of a relationship what
[3:53] you'll usually find is that people are
[3:55] focusing too much on one side. So in a
[3:58] relationship like in marriage people are
[4:00] focusing too much on what? No, I'm being
[4:03] wronged. I'm being wronged. As opposed
[4:05] to, okay, yes, I'm being wronged, but
[4:07] have I also contributed to this in some
[4:09] way, shape, or form, right? Yes, I don't
[4:11] feel like I'm being heard, but am I am I
[4:14] speaking in a way that is acceptable?
[4:16] Right? And so, Islam tells us, the
[4:18] prophet wasam models for us the idea of
[4:21] being a person that doesn't just see
[4:24] interactions as one-sided, but we see
[4:25] them as two sides of a of a shared coin.
[4:29] Because of that, this hadith is going to
[4:31] have kind of like a 50-50 reality. So,
[4:34] let's get to the narration itself. The
[4:35] prophet of Allah sallall alaihi wasallam
[4:36] he said
[4:43] that verily the most beloved
[4:46] of all of the servants of Allahh to
[4:48] Allah out of everybody
[4:51] are the ones who are most sincere
[4:55] and some translations like most sincere
[4:58] in their advice to the other servants to
[5:02] those who are around
[5:05] The beginning part of the hadith that
[5:06] verily the most beloved of the servants
[5:08] of Allah is always a very interesting
[5:10] preface because when you hear that
[5:12] preface when you hear that the most
[5:14] beloved of Allah's servants you
[5:16] typically your mind typically goes to
[5:19] the actions or the deeds that are more
[5:21] like explicitly religious to Abui in
[5:24] nature. So you're thinking about the
[5:25] person who prays all night. You're
[5:28] thinking about the person who donates
[5:29] all of their wealth. You're thinking
[5:30] about the person who fasts you know
[5:32] every Monday and Thursday right or they
[5:34] pray to
[5:36] that's yes those are beloved deeds to
[5:38] Allah but when you go and look at the
[5:42] entire corpus of hadith literature what
[5:44] you'll find is that those personal
[5:47] worship uh uh actions that we all have
[5:50] prayer zakat fasting those are deeds
[5:53] that are beloved to Allah but you'll
[5:55] find that this preface this wording that
[5:58] says the most beloved to Allah
[6:00] typically has to do with a person that
[6:04] succeeds in their interactions with
[6:06] other people. Another example of this
[6:08] narration, the most beloved of the most
[6:10] beloved of people to Allah are those
[6:12] that are most beneficial to others. Do
[6:14] you see how it's always framed that if
[6:17] you want to be beloved to Allah, you
[6:18] can't be selfish. Spirituality can be
[6:21] selfish, by the way. It's it's possible.
[6:23] I'm only going to take care of myself.
[6:25] I'm going to pray my prayers. I'm going
[6:26] to fast my Ramadan. I'm going to do my
[6:28] Hajj. And I'm going to, you know, I'll
[6:30] give my zakat as I have to, but I'm not
[6:32] going to go above and beyond. I'm not
[6:34] going to do more than that. And this is,
[6:36] it's possible that a person can enter
[6:38] paradise thinking like this. But this is
[6:41] not the method and the model that the
[6:43] prophet sallallam wanted. There's
[6:45] actually a story where a man came to the
[6:47] prophet and he said, "What do I have to
[6:49] do to enter Jenna?"
[6:51] Very straightforward, very mathematical,
[6:54] just thinking about the math. Okay? What
[6:57] do I have to do to enter Jenna? Just
[6:59] tell me. The prophet sallallaihi
[7:00] wasallam told him, okay, five pillars.
[7:03] He laid it out. You have to testify that
[7:05] there's nothing worthy of worship
[7:06] besides Allah and that I'm the messenger
[7:09] of Allah. Okay? You have to pray your
[7:11] salah. Okay? You have to give your zaka.
[7:13] Okay? You have to fast. Okay? You have
[7:14] to do Hajj. All right? He said, "If I do
[7:16] these five things and I maintain them,
[7:19] will I go to heaven? Will I go to
[7:21] Jenna?" The prophet sallallaihi wasallam
[7:23] said, "Yes." Now this conversation is
[7:26] happening around
[7:29] all these companions who do way more
[7:32] than that like way more than that. And
[7:35] so when they see that this man is
[7:37] getting a list of five things, a
[7:39] checklist of five things that he has to
[7:41] do and the prophet sallallaihi wasallam
[7:43] says yes you will go to Jenna if you do
[7:44] it. He then says this is crazy. He says
[7:48] to the prophet, I will do exactly these
[7:51] five and I promise you I will not do a
[7:53] single thing more.
[7:55] All right, he's got that, you know, very
[7:58] frugal energy. All right, I'm not going
[8:00] to do a single thing more. And subhan
[8:03] Allah, he leaves. The companions are
[8:05] like in between confused and some are a
[8:08] little upset and some are like wondering
[8:10] like what kind of what kind of person
[8:12] says that? So the companions they asked
[8:15] someone like when when it comes to us
[8:18] you know we're praying extra we're
[8:20] giving extra you're teaching us to do
[8:21] all these things and the list you gave
[8:24] that guy was very short but the list
[8:25] that we have is very long and he said
[8:27] it's true that if he is able to maintain
[8:31] his faith doing those five things he
[8:34] will enter paradise but he said the big
[8:37] question is if he is able to. And so
[8:40] when you look at the narration, the
[8:42] scholars, they comment on this and they
[8:43] say, "What did the prophet mean by if
[8:44] he's able to because that's a little bit
[8:46] vague, right?" And the commentary says,
[8:49] "Doing the bare minimum, you will always
[8:52] eventually at some point or another fall
[8:53] short. If you do the bare minimum,
[8:56] you'll always fall short at some point
[8:57] or if you're running late for your
[8:58] flights, you're eventually going to miss
[9:00] one, right? If you always
[9:03] are delayed or late, you're eventually
[9:05] going to miss out on something." The
[9:07] only way that a person is able to
[9:09] guarantee and ensure that they will be
[9:12] safe no matter what scenario is by
[9:14] giving themsel a little bit of cushion
[9:16] buffering, right? I mean, I know we make
[9:18] fun of the our parents generation for
[9:20] going to the airport 8 hours early, but
[9:22] when you miss a flight, you're like, you
[9:24] know what? Honestly, it's a lot less
[9:25] hassle sitting in an airport for a long
[9:28] time than it is trying to rebook, right,
[9:30] during busy travel. Like, subhan Allah,
[9:32] there's some wisdom in giving yourself
[9:34] that buffer. So what is the buffer of
[9:36] Islam? The buffer of Islam is doing
[9:40] things not because you have to, but
[9:42] because you know it's what's best for
[9:43] you. So when we engage with people, we
[9:46] have to have that ethic, that belief.
[9:49] I'm not going to treat people the bare
[9:51] minimum. I'm not going to treat people
[9:53] the way that they treat me. That's a
[9:54] western ethic. The western character is
[9:58] do unto others as they do to you. That
[10:01] can get really bad really fast because
[10:03] if somebody doesn't do something for you
[10:05] then you're like okay I don't have to
[10:06] care about you. You don't care for me I
[10:08] don't care for you. The prophetic ethic
[10:11] the muhamadan ethic wasam is what? Do
[10:14] good to others because that's what Allah
[10:16] wants you to do because that's what
[10:18] Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wants you to
[10:20] do. And maybe, just maybe, Allah is
[10:23] testing your ability to do good to
[10:25] others because he knows that you have
[10:27] the ability and that person does not yet
[10:29] possess that ability.
[10:31] And so this narration, the prophet
[10:34] wasallam is really emphasizing. He's
[10:36] saying that if you want to be the most
[10:39] beloved to Allah, then you need to think
[10:41] about and be sincere in your counsel. So
[10:44] the topic of tonight is not just
[10:45] interaction and relationship. It's how
[10:47] do I engage? How do I talk to? How do I
[10:50] try to rectify the people around me, my
[10:53] family, my friends? Because part of the
[10:54] reality of being around people is that
[10:57] you will witness mistakes. It's kind of
[10:59] interesting, right? Like when we see
[11:01] someone make a mistake, we act as if
[11:03] we've never seen a mistake before. We
[11:06] respond in a way and maybe it's because
[11:09] of like our own self uh uh you know, our
[11:11] own inconsistencies in our own self, but
[11:14] we see someone make a mistake and
[11:15] there's very little empathy. Usually
[11:17] it's like, "Oh god." But the reality is
[11:19] like you and I have also committed
[11:21] mistakes as well. And so the prophet
[11:24] sallallam he gives us this this really
[11:26] important belief so that we have a goal
[11:28] that we try to attain. Now the Quran
[11:30] talks about the importance of being
[11:33] united and integrated in your character
[11:35] in your care for each other. You can
[11:37] only accomplish this idea of being
[11:40] sincere for someone in advising them and
[11:42] taking care of them if you care for
[11:43] them. That's rule number one. The reason
[11:46] why the prophetat wasam was so good at
[11:48] this was because he actually truly loved
[11:49] people. It's it's impossible to advise
[11:52] someone lovingly if there's no love in
[11:54] that relationship to begin with. You
[11:56] can't manufacture love. You can't fake
[11:58] it. There's no way. And so Allah he in
[12:01] the Quran he addresses this topic
[12:06] before he talks about right. So the
[12:08] verse says
[12:13] the command in this verse, let's read
[12:16] the translation. The believers are a
[12:19] brotherhood and a sisterhood. So rectify
[12:23] and make right the things between your
[12:26] brothers and sisters. Notice how Allah
[12:29] does not start by saying fix things
[12:32] because you're a brotherhood. He says
[12:34] what? You are a brotherhood and a
[12:36] sisterhood. Which means you have to have
[12:38] this belief that we are here for each
[12:41] other. If we're not here for each other,
[12:43] I'm not going to be convinced enough to
[12:44] help you. So Allah establishes that
[12:47] first.
[12:49] And one of the scholars in actually many
[12:51] of them they refer to this word because
[12:55] Allah chose a word in specific that
[12:58] factually we could argue is not true but
[13:01] spiritually is. What's the factual
[13:02] reality is that brothers and sisters,
[13:05] we're not actually related. But the
[13:07] wordwa actually in Arabic means blood
[13:09] relative.
[13:10] Blood relative, like a brotherhood.
[13:13] Okay? But we're not blood related. We
[13:16] all come from different families and
[13:17] lineages and tribes and whatnot, right?
[13:19] We come from different places. Why did
[13:21] Allahh choose the word that indicates
[13:24] blood relation in a concept that's not
[13:27] blood relative? That's not bloodrelated.
[13:29] Because as im said to his student who he
[13:32] got into a fight with, remember that our
[13:34] faith is stronger than our blood. The
[13:38] iman that we have between us, it
[13:40] actually is thicker, as they say in
[13:42] English, thicker than blood. It keeps us
[13:44] together. It bonds us together. So when
[13:46] somebody is a Muslim, it's interesting.
[13:49] You can have family members that are not
[13:51] Muslim that have less right over you
[13:54] than a stranger who is Muslim,
[13:56] right? Like there are certain rights
[13:58] familial, but when it comes to someone
[14:00] who is Muslim, they actually have
[14:02] certain rights over you that a person
[14:04] who's not Muslim does not have. So your
[14:06] faith is actually a tighter bond. And
[14:08] that's why Allah uses this word. And the
[14:11] command there is to reconcile. By the
[14:13] way, this chapter doesn't just talk
[14:15] about like petty uh disagreements,
[14:18] people that argue about, you know, this
[14:19] or that, paper or plastic, green or
[14:21] blue, you know, should we fly or drive?
[14:23] No, these are all like petty. This is
[14:25] actually talking about combat because
[14:28] Allah he mentions later
[14:41] translation is summarized. When you
[14:44] notice that there is two groups fighting
[14:46] then your job is to make them stop
[14:48] fighting. And if one of them is being
[14:50] more aggressive than the other, then you
[14:52] need to defend the victim and push back
[14:55] against the aggressor until everything
[14:57] is back to normal. So, we're talking
[14:59] here about two groups of Muslims that
[15:02] are actually physically engaged in
[15:04] combat. It's really, it's not fun. It's
[15:07] not a happy topic. But the Quran deals
[15:09] with reality. You're going to have
[15:12] families. You're going to have friends.
[15:13] You're going to have communities that
[15:14] are going to fight. And some people say,
[15:16] "Oh, this is, you know, we're all Muslim
[15:18] here. We're all Why are we fighting?"
[15:20] Well, that's true. But Islam never tells
[15:23] us that because you're Muslim, you can't
[15:24] fight because that's not a human
[15:26] expectation to have. Islam says because
[15:28] you're human, you're going to fight. And
[15:30] because you're Muslim, you should know
[15:31] better and you should learn how to stop
[15:34] it. Right? It doesn't say don't fight.
[15:35] It says your Islam teaches you to stop
[15:38] it. Not that you can ever avoid it.
[15:40] Right? Same with anger. You're human.
[15:42] You're going to get angry. Islam tells
[15:44] you control your anger. Relax. It's
[15:47] okay. Get up. Make woo. Go pray. Take a
[15:51] walk. Right? 10,000 steps. It's good for
[15:52] you. Okay. The another verse. Subhan
[15:56] Allah. Allah says
[16:02] says remind. This is a command. Remind.
[16:04] Be a person that reminds. And this is
[16:07] this is one of my favorite verbs in the
[16:09] Islamic corpus because we hate being
[16:12] reminded. Like literally every human
[16:15] being despises when somebody tells them
[16:18] things that they already know. People
[16:22] respond, I know. You don't have to tell
[16:23] me, right? You don't have to remind me.
[16:25] I'm already I'm already doing it. I'm
[16:26] already It's one of those thing we find
[16:28] it to be disrespectful. But Allah
[16:30] actually says that built into your daily
[16:33] life is going to be reminders. And
[16:35] here's the part that's scary. This ayah
[16:37] is actually not talking only to the
[16:39] reminder. It's talking to the receiver
[16:41] of the reminder. Allah says remind
[16:45] and then he says
[16:48] because reminders
[16:51] benefit the believers. So if someone's
[16:53] reminding you and you find yourself not
[16:54] being benefited by that, you in fact
[16:56] you're uh irritated by it. It's
[16:59] bothering you. Then what does that say
[17:00] about my belief? If every time someone
[17:03] gives me a reminder, I get angry, then
[17:06] I'm actually very uh uh uh unfortunately
[17:10] removing myself from this group of
[17:11] people known as the believers because
[17:13] Allah said that true believers actually
[17:16] find benefit in every reminder. Listen
[17:19] to this statement of imali. Imali he
[17:23] said something very profound. You know
[17:24] in logic there's a thing that we call an
[17:26] ad homonym. Ad homonym is when instead
[17:29] of attacking a person's idea, you attack
[17:31] them. So someone says something and
[17:34] instead of addressing what they're
[17:36] saying, you attack them. So they say,
[17:38] "Hey, you know what? You should really
[17:39] uh you know, you should be more
[17:40] careful." And you say, "Well, you're
[17:41] you're lazy." What does that have to do
[17:44] about being careful? It has nothing.
[17:45] It's actually one of the logical
[17:47] fallacies in argumentation. If someone
[17:49] does this, it proves that they're not
[17:50] really uh engaging on an intelligent
[17:53] level. Okay. Imazali he said and by the
[17:55] way they would do this against the
[17:56] prophet sallallaham all theuresh when
[17:59] the prophet sallam said worship Allah
[18:00] they would say uh you don't know what
[18:01] you're talking about they wouldn't be
[18:03] able to address the argument at hand
[18:06] imali said I would be okay having an
[18:11] alcoholic whose breath smelled like
[18:14] alcohol remind me don't drink please
[18:17] don't drink what would we say if
[18:20] somebody who was immersed in something
[18:22] came and advised us not to do the very
[18:24] thing that they were immersed in. We
[18:25] would say, "What? Look at you. You're
[18:28] not really like the shining example.
[18:30] You're not the paragon of good
[18:31] character. Who are you to tell me
[18:33] anything?" Look at what I Gazali's heart
[18:35] and his mind did. Instead of making it
[18:38] about the nefali said, "Ah, maybe, just
[18:41] maybe, the alcoholic actually knows
[18:44] something and although they're
[18:46] struggling, their position of advice is
[18:48] actually way more sincere." And so he
[18:51] said, 'I would never discount the advice
[18:53] of a person because of who they are. I
[18:55] will listen to the advice of somebody no
[18:57] matter who they are. I will not block
[18:59] them because I want to push them away.
[19:02] No, I'm going to listen to them. That's
[19:03] the sign of a believer. A believer will
[19:05] always listen. Always.
[19:08] There was one time I im Madik, he walked
[19:12] into the masid uh masid nebui where he
[19:15] would he was living in Medina. He was
[19:16] teaching. And I want you to imagine like
[19:21] if you you know uh if you're like a
[19:23] parent or if you work somewhere some
[19:24] position where you are the authority. I
[19:27] want you to imagine that you're the
[19:28] authority and you walk into a space and
[19:31] someone who for some reason doesn't know
[19:33] exactly who you are. Uh they feel very
[19:37] energetic and aggressive and they tell
[19:38] you something. So let's say you're the
[19:40] boss. You walk in somewhere and the
[19:42] person tells you, "Hey, get to work."
[19:45] You're like, "Excuse me?" Imagine being
[19:47] like I'm I'm coming home. My daughter
[19:49] did this today actually to me. Uh which
[19:52] is fine. Um I walked in the house and I
[19:55] told her to wash her hands. Guess the
[19:57] whole thing after school cuz you know
[19:58] this is you'll you'll know when you have
[19:59] kids why. But so I told her wash her
[20:01] hands, get changed. I have your snack or
[20:03] whatever. And then I'm preparing her
[20:04] stuff and I wash my hands too, but she
[20:06] didn't see me wash my hands. So then as
[20:08] I'm like getting her snack ready and my
[20:10] son's snack ready um they come down and
[20:13] then you know she my son is mah he
[20:15] cleaned his plate in like 3 seconds but
[20:17] my daughter is like eating like a small
[20:19] bird so she has a lot of leftovers so I
[20:22] took one of her you know the crackers I
[20:23] put her she goes hey you didn't wash
[20:25] your hands I was like first of all I did
[20:28] I had to take her to the sink and show
[20:30] her like I lifted I was like look it's
[20:31] wet I was like second of all who are you
[20:33] talking to right so a lot of times when
[20:36] someone we feel like is not at our
[20:38] level. We're like, "Don't you dare talk
[20:39] to me like that. I don't care what
[20:41] you're saying. Don't you dare talk to Im
[20:43] Malik."
[20:44] He walked into the masid and he sat
[20:47] down. And the reason why he sat down is
[20:50] because it was the time of and it was
[20:54] between which we know there's no sunnah,
[20:56] right? in in in a lot of the majority of
[20:59] the of the med of the legal schools
[21:01] there's no sunnah after right until okay
[21:05] even the extra sunnah like when you walk
[21:06] into the masid and you pray to raqa for
[21:08] the masid masid right so he walked in
[21:12] and it's his opinion that there's no
[21:14] prayer in between even
[21:17] when you walk in you don't pray anything
[21:19] you just walk in you sit and you make
[21:21] dua make but he walked in and there was
[21:23] a young person like a young student
[21:25] imagine like a teenager Hey, pray to
[21:27] Raqqa. Just told him. And he's im Matik.
[21:31] I want you to understand he's the
[21:33] smartest individual by far in the city
[21:36] at the time, if not potentially like the
[21:38] world when it comes to Islam and legal
[21:40] rulings. And he stood up and prayed
[21:44] against his own ruling, against his own
[21:46] madhab, his own belief. He stood up and
[21:48] prayed.
[21:49] So then his students were like, cuz you
[21:52] know, obviously they're going to get
[21:53] aggressive. Look at this teenage kid
[21:55] telling Imam Malik to stand up and pray.
[21:57] So after he prayed his students went to
[22:00] him. They said she like did you change
[22:02] your opinion? What happened? He said no.
[22:04] He said I did not want to be from
[22:06] amongst the people. Listen to this.
[22:08] Allah talked about in the Quran those
[22:10] people that when they were told to pray
[22:11] they didn't pray.
[22:14] You see that? That's a sincere heart.
[22:16] He's like I almost forgot like what time
[22:19] it was and I just heard someone tell me
[22:21] stand and pray and I stood and prayed.
[22:23] because I didn't ever want to be like
[22:25] like susceptible to being the individual
[22:28] that was told like the Quran says when
[22:32] they were told to pray they didn't pray.
[22:34] Talking about those people of Janna may
[22:36] Allah protect us. So look at the
[22:38] humility how it transforms the recipient
[22:40] of advice. Receiving advice is about the
[22:44] humility of the receiver the heart. It's
[22:46] not about their credentials. It's not
[22:48] about their accolades. It's not about
[22:50] their position or title. It's about
[22:52] their heart. What type of person? You
[22:54] would take advice from a child. You
[22:57] would consider the advice from a child
[22:59] if your heart was in the right place,
[23:02] right? But likewise, you would ignore
[23:05] the advice from an expert if your heart
[23:06] was sealed off. It's not about the
[23:08] person. It's about the heart of the
[23:10] individual. Allah tala he actually even
[23:14] uh uh uh mentions and part of the reason
[23:16] why it's important to take advice is
[23:18] because the giver of advice if they're
[23:20] sincere inshallah we'll talk about that
[23:23] the giver of advice is actually they
[23:26] have to be very courageous like it's not
[23:28] easy to give advice I know some people
[23:31] are uh you know we're thinking about the
[23:33] the people that are pathological advice
[23:36] givers take those people and just push
[23:38] them to the side for a second think
[23:40] about how difficult if Ever had to tell
[23:42] someone that you loved something that
[23:44] they did that was not right or you
[23:47] wanted to advise them? Think about how
[23:49] long it took you. Think about how many
[23:52] times in your head you went over the
[23:53] scenario. You played out all the
[23:55] potential what's going to happen, what
[23:57] could happen. You crafted your message.
[23:59] You thought about your words. Maybe you
[24:01] sought advice from someone else on how
[24:03] to give advice to this person. Think
[24:04] about how many times it takes a lot of
[24:07] courage to go and stand up and do the
[24:09] right thing. to say that to someone
[24:11] that's your friend that you love, right?
[24:13] Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala when he is
[24:17] advising or when he is uh uh talking to
[24:21] Musa and his brother Harunam
[24:24] he tells them
[24:27] don't be afraid
[24:31] don't be afraid because they have to go
[24:33] and advise not just anybody they have to
[24:36] advise the oppressive civilizational
[24:39] power of the time and when you go if you
[24:42] ever go to Egypt I know I talked about
[24:43] this in February. When you go there and
[24:45] you see the civilization that they built
[24:47] and the power that they commanded, you
[24:49] could see why Musa was nervous. You
[24:51] could see why he was scared because it's
[24:54] him alone and then he goes, "Oh, Allah,
[24:56] just give me somebody, my brother,
[24:57] please." So, it's him with his brother
[24:59] going up now to this massive, massive
[25:02] structure, this civilization, this
[25:04] powerful oppressive slave driving
[25:06] individual who can crush him. And he has
[25:09] to go and tell him what? Worship Allah.
[25:11] you're doing the wrong thing. You're
[25:13] doing the wrong thing. Right? So that
[25:15] courage Allah rewarded by saying what?
[25:20] Whenever you give advice, I'll be with
[25:22] you. I'll be with you. I know what
[25:25] you're going to say and I'm watching.
[25:27] Don't worry. You don't got to be afraid.
[25:29] Okay. So, what does that mean when
[25:30] you're receiving advice then? Well, when
[25:32] someone builds up the courage to
[25:34] sincerely come to you and tell you
[25:36] something and you push them away, you're
[25:38] not only pushing them away. Who are you
[25:39] pushing?
[25:41] If Allah is with them, who are you
[25:43] rejecting? Because it took them a long
[25:45] time to gain the courage to come and
[25:47] talk to you. And Allah is saying, I am
[25:50] with you. Meaning to the advisers here.
[25:52] So when we push people away, we don't
[25:55] know that we may be we may be
[25:57] inadvertently be pushing away the
[25:59] blessing of Allah as well. Allah has
[26:02] sent that person to us to help us, to
[26:05] guide us, to put us back on the right
[26:07] path. This is assuming again the adviser
[26:09] is sincere. We'll talk about that a
[26:11] little bit. But when you're receiving
[26:12] advice, don't be a person that rejects
[26:15] because you may inadvertently be
[26:16] rejecting Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in
[26:18] that as well. Some other narrations that
[26:21] help us think about advice and why we
[26:24] should consider this because some of us
[26:26] are shy. Some of us don't want to
[26:27] advise. We we prefer the avoiding,
[26:30] right? We don't want to I don't want to
[26:31] deal with it. Which in some scenarios
[26:33] can be true. Maybe you're not the right
[26:35] person. Maybe it's not the right time.
[26:37] maybe this is not the right opportunity,
[26:39] right? So, it's doesn't have to be done
[26:41] tonight. You know, it's it's cold
[26:42] outside, right? You go find someone,
[26:44] they're not wearing a jacket. You're
[26:45] like, "Hey, hold on. I gotta advise you.
[26:49] They're cold. Like, just give it a
[26:50] break. You can, you know, meet them
[26:52] indoors." Like, there's some scenarios.
[26:54] Or you may not be the right person.
[26:55] Like, maybe you saw something, but you
[26:58] know that your relationship with that
[26:59] person is not great. So, you have to
[27:02] think critically. Okay, I know what they
[27:04] did was not right, but if I go to them
[27:06] based on our relationship or our we
[27:08] don't have a rel maybe I don't know
[27:09] them, they don't know me, but maybe I
[27:11] can try to advise around them and then
[27:14] those people can help and there there's
[27:16] actually a chance of that working. So
[27:18] why? Because the prophet wasallam he
[27:20] said
[27:25] that for the person who helps guide
[27:28] somebody to something that's good for
[27:29] them is better for them. Then not only
[27:33] does that person who's doing that better
[27:35] who changes their life, not only do they
[27:36] get the reward, but you also get the
[27:38] reward as well. You get the reward
[27:40] because you taught them, you guided
[27:42] them, you you steered them, right? You
[27:44] indicated to them which way to go.
[27:48] However, we also learn in the same from
[27:50] the same person, the prophetatam that
[27:53] there is a protocol, there is a method
[27:56] on how to advise. And we're going to go
[27:59] over that next. But the general
[28:01] principle is from his words peace be
[28:04] upon him. He said
[28:09] that whoever prioritizes concealing
[28:12] here concealing means the faults of
[28:15] their fellow Muslim then the reward of
[28:18] that is that on the day of judgment
[28:19] Allahh will conceal them not only on the
[28:22] in the but in this life as well. So this
[28:25] idea of exposing somebody exposing okay
[28:29] pause for a second I know everyone's
[28:31] thinking about well what if someone is a
[28:33] predator someone is this okay exception
[28:35] put it over here okay baseline okay yes
[28:39] there are criminals and yes we don't
[28:41] hide crime right if someone here came
[28:44] and stole someone's laptop like hey it's
[28:46] like shh conceal his fault let him get
[28:49] away right no no no right if someone
[28:52] commits a crime All right, there is
[28:54] legal recourse. But we're talking here
[28:56] about what we're talking about faults
[28:59] number one that are like mostly
[29:00] self-contained that are internal faults.
[29:03] Okay, number two is that faults that
[29:06] don't have criminal consequences to
[29:07] them. Okay, they may be moral
[29:09] indiscretions, things that maybe can be
[29:11] uh uh fixed or alleviated without
[29:14] needing to seek any sort of uh legal
[29:16] ramifications. Okay. But the lesson in
[29:18] this hadith is that true advice, true na
[29:22] it protects the dignity of the one
[29:25] giving g getting the advice. You have to
[29:28] think first and foremost about the
[29:29] dignity of that person.
[29:32] So let's talk a little bit about how we
[29:35] can receive advice and give advice
[29:37] sincerely. First let's talk about giving
[29:39] advice. Number one, whenever you find in
[29:41] your heart this idea of giving advice
[29:44] and wanting to advise somebody because
[29:46] you want to help them, you love them,
[29:48] you care for them, the first question
[29:50] is, is this for Allah or am I trying to
[29:52] prove something? Am I trying to like
[29:55] make a statement? Do I am I really
[29:59] motivated to do this publicly because I
[30:02] want people to see this? Am I trying to
[30:04] humiliate this? Like what am I trying to
[30:05] accomplish here? And that question alone
[30:09] can usually filter out fairly quickly
[30:10] like what I'm trying to do. Okay. So the
[30:13] first step is what why am I doing this?
[30:16] Why am I why am I doing this? If I'm
[30:17] doing this because I want this person to
[30:19] feel bad or low about themselves
[30:23] then that's not the right time and you
[30:25] should in fact not say anything. You
[30:27] should not say anything. Imam Noi great
[30:30] scholar he once said that if as a result
[30:33] of you giving advice this person
[30:35] actually starts to hate you he said
[30:38] usually that's an indication that you
[30:39] didn't actually intend the right thing
[30:42] usually
[30:44] right so we ask Allah to give us pure
[30:45] intention am I doing this for Allah or
[30:47] to prove something number two choose the
[30:50] right place and time it's all about time
[30:54] and place many people this is by the way
[30:57] in
[30:58] Like for a lot of things when you have
[31:01] conversations with somebody you could
[31:03] actually ruin a really good chance or
[31:04] opportunity by simply not thinking about
[31:07] the right time and place for that
[31:09] conversation. You can it's possible like
[31:12] this person may be open to what you're
[31:14] saying but because you rushed it or
[31:16] because you delayed right
[31:20] maybe you missed that window or maybe
[31:23] you're not the right person. So,
[31:24] Sophiana Theodori is a great scholar. He
[31:26] said that part of what should be like
[31:30] your uh thought process as you choose
[31:32] time and place is that you should often
[31:34] times or almost every time lean towards
[31:37] privacy.
[31:39] Don't do something immediately because
[31:41] you feel the urgency to correct them
[31:42] even if it's for the sake of Allah, but
[31:44] rather you can make a note of it. You
[31:47] can, you know, write it down. you can do
[31:49] whatever you got to do and then later
[31:51] engage with them in a way that is
[31:53] private. Why? Because it preserves their
[31:55] dignity. The first thing that a person
[31:57] will think about when they're being
[31:58] corrected and they notice that others
[32:00] are watching is they won't even notice
[32:03] the correction or the advice. They'll
[32:05] just think about the heat and the the
[32:07] gaze of others. I know we're thinking
[32:10] all about like adult to adult right now,
[32:12] but this is a great advice for parents
[32:13] as well. When parents try to give their
[32:16] kids tia and they do it in public, kids
[32:20] typically don't even know what you're
[32:21] saying. They they're not processing it.
[32:24] All they're processing is that this is
[32:26] embarrassing. And a lot of us maybe
[32:28] perhaps are triggered because this was
[32:30] like the story of our lives, my my
[32:32] autobiography, right? This is
[32:34] embarrassing. of the Roman's memoirs,
[32:35] you know, like so think about how when
[32:38] you were corrected in public, even as a
[32:40] child by anybody, think about a teacher
[32:43] in a school maybe that did it the wrong
[32:44] way or a coach that maybe made you feel
[32:47] low in front of your teammates. That's
[32:49] not that's why it's not prophetic. But
[32:52] the one who actually has care for you
[32:55] will be patient and will take the time
[32:57] to do it in private. Now yes there may
[33:00] be some instances exceptionally where
[33:04] advising in a environment where other
[33:06] people are could have some benefit if a
[33:09] person is like habitually there's a
[33:11] pattern of behavior and private advice
[33:14] has not worked and maybe their behavior
[33:16] is encouraging others now right then
[33:20] sometimes you say look this is not right
[33:23] you can't keep doing this okay but still
[33:25] there are guardrails and we'll talk
[33:26] about those guardrails as we keep
[33:28] One of those guardrails is that you
[33:30] begin by actually stating your care for
[33:32] this person. You state your affirmation.
[33:35] You say, "I I actually care for you."
[33:37] Because again, people get defensive. The
[33:40] first thing they're going to think is,
[33:41] "Why do you hate me?" You actually have
[33:43] to say it. I care for you. The prophetat
[33:46] wasam, he taught us, if you love your
[33:48] brother, then tell him. If you love your
[33:51] brother, tell him that. Why? I mean, for
[33:54] those of us, we you know, he knows I
[33:56] love him. He knows I love him, you know.
[33:58] No, that's not how this guy. If you love
[34:00] your brother, if you love your sister,
[34:02] then make sure that they know. Tell them
[34:03] with words. So, you begin your advice
[34:06] giving by say, "Hey, look, I actually
[34:09] love you. I care for you." And that's
[34:11] the only reason why I'm doing this
[34:13] really uncomfortable thing right now
[34:15] because I actually care for you. If I
[34:17] didn't care for you, I actually wouldn't
[34:20] even bother because I would just let you
[34:23] be. I would just let you do your thing
[34:25] and maybe make a mistake over and over
[34:26] again. I'm only doing this because I
[34:28] want to see you happy. I want to see you
[34:30] do better. I want to see you not in so
[34:32] much stress. Right? When you begin like
[34:34] that now the person all of the guards
[34:37] start to go down. Feel like I'm doing
[34:38] marriage counseling right now. All the
[34:40] guards start to go down. Okay. You say
[34:42] things like I want the best for you. I
[34:44] care for you. Okay.
[34:46] The next the prophet wasam he says be
[34:48] gentle. Be gentle. Don't you don't have
[34:52] to say everything explicitly. You know,
[34:54] this thing, man, is so dangerous. Subhan
[34:56] Allah. Because you know why? This device
[34:59] is so helpful, but it gives you this
[35:02] digital courage that's so dangerous. You
[35:06] would say things on here that you would
[35:07] never say with your lips to somebody. If
[35:09] you had to look someone in the eyes and
[35:11] say something, you know, if you have to
[35:13] give advice over your phone, please
[35:14] FaceTime. Don't text. I'm serious.
[35:17] Because people say things over text
[35:19] message because it doesn't register.
[35:22] Like there's a certain body language
[35:23] that Allah programmed us with where we
[35:26] can tell. If you've ever seen someone be
[35:28] insulted and seen their face shrink and
[35:32] their their entire like uh self-esteem
[35:35] just disappear, then you would never
[35:38] want to make someone feel that way. And
[35:40] this thing, it opens that door way too
[35:42] easily because you're just typing. Hit
[35:44] send. And even now there's undo, right?
[35:47] Which is a little shady. What did you
[35:48] write? I don't want to tell you, right?
[35:50] Then they go to their iPad that hasn't
[35:51] been updated, right? And they find it.
[35:54] You can tell. I heard from my friend.
[35:55] Never happened to me. So
[35:58] be gentle. The prophet wasallam he said
[36:02] he said there's not a single thing a
[36:04] single thing on earth where gentleness
[36:08] is present in it except it makes it
[36:10] better. It makes it better. And this is
[36:13] tough. This is tough right because part
[36:15] of when you're when you are especially
[36:17] if you're advising about something that
[36:19] affected you and you're trying to
[36:22] rectify an injustice or something that
[36:25] was wrong. It's not just about the
[36:27] person. It's about also getting your
[36:28] justice. But when you give advice about
[36:30] yourself, you have to separate yourself
[36:32] from the advice. You actually have to do
[36:35] that. It's not about my justice right
[36:37] now. It's about the action that led to
[36:39] this and I want to first talk about
[36:41] that. Once we agree on that, now we can
[36:46] talk about how I feel. Right? It's not
[36:49] about this yet. Don't try to mush them
[36:51] together. You have to deal with them
[36:52] separately. And the reason why it works
[36:54] is because this one is focusing on
[36:56] gentleness and this one is focusing on
[36:59] vulnerability.
[37:01] Once the person agrees that I made a
[37:03] mistake, then you can say, "Now that you
[37:05] agree that the mistake was made, can you
[37:07] see how it hurt me? Can you understand
[37:09] how that really made me feel?" But if
[37:12] you go there and say, "You made a
[37:13] mistake. Look how you made me feel."
[37:15] Right? The person say, "It's always
[37:16] about you. You don't once think about
[37:18] me." Right? And I'm triggering
[37:20] everybody. We're like, "Oh, this sounds
[37:21] familiar." Right? So important to make
[37:23] sure that we separate the two.
[37:24] Gentleness is the separation. That's
[37:26] what gives us that ability to separate.
[37:29] Next is the prophetatam taught us to be
[37:33] there in the service of your brother or
[37:35] sister. So what does that mean? To ask
[37:39] how you can help. Don't just give advice
[37:42] and say go do it. No. The prophet
[37:45] sallallam he said that there is not a
[37:48] single person that is in the aid of
[37:49] their brother or sister except that
[37:51] Allah is in their aid. So how can I help
[37:54] you? How can I help you? Can I can I do
[37:56] something differently? Is there
[37:58] something that I can you know do you
[38:00] need me to like maybe give you a warning
[38:02] when when you're feeling this way? How
[38:04] can I help you? Okay, I want to be I
[38:07] want to be there for you. Offer your
[38:08] support. And the last one is to make dua
[38:11] for them afterwards. There was a a young
[38:13] man that came to the prophet wasam and
[38:16] sought his permission to have an
[38:19] illegitimate relationship with a woman.
[38:21] And it's really interesting because if
[38:23] you think about it like there's so many
[38:26] layers to this story. The young man
[38:28] walks up to the prophetam and he asks
[38:30] him, "There's a girl that I really like.
[38:32] Can you please give me permission to
[38:34] commit zena?" That's basically the that
[38:35] was actually the the the the function of
[38:38] the of the conversation. I want you to
[38:40] imagine a couple things. Number one, how
[38:43] good of an adviser must he have been
[38:46] that that young guy came up to him. Like
[38:50] that to me is the most shocking part of
[38:52] the story. He must have been so good.
[38:55] This person must have felt like you know
[38:57] what look cuz he knows that Zena is
[38:59] haram. That's why he's asking for that
[39:01] fatwa.
[39:03] But he's like I know that the prophet is
[39:05] not going to make me feel bad. And even
[39:07] if he says no, he's going to say it in a
[39:09] way that's like prophetic.
[39:12] And that's what he did. Sallallahu
[39:13] alaihi wasallam. He said, "Let me ask
[39:15] you a question." The young man said,
[39:17] "Sure." He said, "Do you have any women
[39:19] in your family,
[39:21] mother, sister, et?" He goes, "Yeah." He
[39:23] goes, "Okay, let me ask you. How would
[39:26] you feel if another guy in the city fell
[39:29] in love with your sister, mom, whoever
[39:32] came and asked me the same question
[39:33] about them?"
[39:35] The guy, I would hate it. And he goes,
[39:37] "Okay, so then what do you think? How
[39:40] should you feel about this request about
[39:43] someone else's sister, mother, etc.
[39:45] Should you Is that not fair? How do you
[39:48] think she feels about it? Right? Why are
[39:50] you not thinking about these things? And
[39:51] he taught him again emotionally
[39:53] intelligent. He taught him don't only
[39:55] think about your desires. Think about
[39:57] what? This is good advice. And then the
[40:00] last step, and this is typically a
[40:02] skipped over when people tell the story,
[40:03] he placed his hand on his chest. The
[40:05] prophet actually took his hand and
[40:07] placed on his chest. Oh Allah, purify
[40:09] his heart. Oh Allah, purify his heart.
[40:12] He said it three times. Oh Allah, purify
[40:13] his heart. That young man, as he's
[40:15] narrating the hadith, he said, when I
[40:17] went to the prophetam and I was walking
[40:19] up to him, in my heart, there was
[40:22] nothing that I wanted more than
[40:24] permission for that act. He said when I
[40:27] left him, when I walked away from him
[40:28] after getting my answer, there was
[40:30] nothing I hated more than that same act.
[40:34] transformation
[40:35] like ad good advice can actually change
[40:38] the person along with the dua of the
[40:41] prophetatam. So these steps are
[40:45] essential. Okay. Now let's change
[40:48] ourselves. Let's flip positions. We're
[40:50] going to be giving advice. That's great.
[40:51] But now how about when we receive
[40:53] advice? Because many people are good at
[40:55] giving but they're really bad at
[40:57] receiving. So there's an art. Number
[41:00] one, immediately you have to silence
[41:02] your ego. Immediately you have to
[41:05] silence your ego. You have to enter into
[41:08] like a place where anything is possible.
[41:11] So no matter what the person is telling
[41:13] you, you cannot you and you can see by
[41:16] the way when when people are talking to
[41:18] each other and one of them is advising,
[41:21] as soon as they stop making eye contact
[41:24] and the person receiving advice is
[41:25] looking kind of like off into space,
[41:28] they're not listening. they're
[41:29] formulating,
[41:30] right? They're they're building their
[41:32] counterattack
[41:34] instead of actually maintaining
[41:35] connection and listening. So number one
[41:38] is you have to silence the nefs. Why the
[41:40] nefs hates being corrected, hates it.
[41:43] The nefs hate hates being told what's
[41:45] wrong. That's why even in arguments,
[41:48] you'll be arguing with somebody and even
[41:50] in the middle of that argument, that
[41:52] person may know or you may find out, oh
[41:55] man, I'm wrong. Like you feel that
[41:56] internally. You're like, I'm wrong.
[41:57] They're right.
[41:58] Right? It's like you're playing chess
[42:00] like, "Oh man, they're going to
[42:01] checkmate me. I see it. There's three
[42:02] moves." And even then, you still know
[42:05] I'm going down with I'm going down guns
[42:07] blazing. Not going down without a fight.
[42:10] Right? The nef that's the nef. So number
[42:12] one, silence that. Just get rid of it.
[42:15] The person might say, "You know what?
[42:16] You're really you're really not nice.
[42:18] You're really unfair. You're really
[42:19] this." And you know what you say? Say,
[42:21] "Oh, okay. I'm listening. I'm
[42:24] listening." I actually find that helps
[42:26] me when I say I'm listening because I
[42:28] I'm actually it's kind of petty. I'm not
[42:30] agreeing but I'm listening. All right.
[42:31] So, I'm listening. Okay, I'm listening.
[42:33] Right? Because I'm I'm trying to
[42:34] process. I'm trying to really like hear
[42:36] this person. Number two,
[42:39] assume the best of intentions on behalf
[42:41] of that person. Assume the best intent.
[42:44] Don't assume that they're trying to hurt
[42:46] you, they're being evil. Assume the best
[42:47] intention. Right? Even an imperfect
[42:50] delivery can be true. They say that even
[42:54] a broken clock is right twice a day. So
[42:56] even someone whose deliver is imperfect
[42:59] can be true. Can be true. So don't look
[43:03] at the delivery and say, you know what
[43:05] you're saying is right, but I wish you
[43:07] were just a little bit softer.
[43:10] You you actually might be right. You
[43:13] could be right. You know what? I wish
[43:14] you were I wish you were a little bit
[43:16] gentler. Okay. But by focusing on that,
[43:20] you're just kind of engaging in like a
[43:22] surface level interaction.
[43:25] Graduate a little bit to the level of
[43:26] actually trying to see what's being
[43:28] said, right? Graduate a little bit to
[43:31] try to see what's being said. Think
[43:32] about the actual substance of the
[43:37] conversation. Not the words that are
[43:38] being used, but what's happening. Right?
[43:41] This is actually whenever I deal with
[43:43] families or couples whoever this is the
[43:45] key of reconciliation when the person
[43:48] stops listening to the words and they
[43:50] start listening to the message it's not
[43:52] about right it's not about one time
[43:56] there was a couple that was arguing
[43:57] about punctuality you know when it comes
[43:59] to his things he's always on time when
[44:01] it comes to my things he's always late d
[44:03] I'm not late you said 6:30 I was ready
[44:06] at 6:30 blah blah blah whatever and and
[44:08] then I basically interrupted I said hey
[44:10] I I don't think she actually cares about
[44:11] the time. I think she just thinks that
[44:14] you don't care about her life. Like you
[44:16] prioritize your things, you don't
[44:17] prioritize her. That's what I'm hearing.
[44:20] And she looked at me. She's like, "Thank
[44:21] you." Then I looked at her and I was
[44:23] like, "Say that next time." Right? I'm
[44:26] like, "This guy, you're you're making
[44:27] him play Clue over here. It was the
[44:29] candlestick in the living room. Like,
[44:30] just say what you're feeling." So, a lot
[44:32] of times we hide our message with words
[44:34] because we don't want to admit that
[44:35] we're hurt, right? We don't want to say,
[44:37] "You hurt me." Because it feels what?
[44:39] like a little bit immature, but instead
[44:41] of trying to be like, "Oh, you know
[44:43] what? If you were just a little bit
[44:44] earlier, you took it this this car is
[44:46] not you didn't vacuum this." Just say,
[44:48] "I feel like you don't honor. I feel
[44:49] like you don't I feel like you don't
[44:50] actually care." That's what that's what
[44:53] matters, right? So, but that only works
[44:57] if the recipient is believing that the
[44:59] person means Well, this third one's
[45:02] tough. This is my actually this is my
[45:04] biggest struggle. Don't interrupt.
[45:07] Listen completely.
[45:09] And a good way to do this is to just be
[45:13] quiet.
[45:14] And you can ask if you feel like the
[45:16] person is kind of like, you know, um
[45:19] maybe they're sort of in circles, you
[45:21] can ask them, okay, I
[45:25] you don't have to say it in a rude way,
[45:26] but you can say, is are you finished?
[45:28] But I wouldn't say it that way. You can
[45:30] say, I think I understand what you're
[45:32] saying. Right? I think I understand what
[45:34] you're saying. Okay?
[45:38] The fourth step to being a good advise
[45:40] advise ask questions.
[45:43] Don't try to justify yourself. Ask
[45:45] questions. Person says something you say
[45:48] okay how do you what would you advise?
[45:51] How can I improve? How can I get better?
[45:55] This is actually a very interesting
[45:56] tactical step because it actually makes
[45:59] sure that the adviser truly does care
[46:02] for you because remember part of good
[46:04] advice is that you have to love the
[46:05] person. So when you say okay I'm hearing
[46:08] you I can see where you're coming from.
[46:10] How do you do you recommend anything?
[46:12] How can I improve? Now the person
[46:14] actually has to be like if they're like
[46:15] no I don't know like okay well why were
[46:17] you telling me this in the first place
[46:18] then? Right? But if they love you,
[46:20] they'll say, "You know what? Yes, there
[46:22] are some things you can do, right? This,
[46:24] this, this."
[46:26] The last is to thank the person and as
[46:30] you leave to reflect privately over the
[46:32] advice that was given.
[46:35] Thank them even if you didn't agree
[46:38] because you know what? You don't have to
[46:39] take 100% of what somebody tells you.
[46:42] It's true. It's not binding. Allah is
[46:44] not going to ask you, "Did you listen to
[46:46] 100%." But I I challenge us to find a
[46:50] situation where there's not even 5%
[46:53] benefit in something someone told us 5%.
[46:58] Right? Maybe yes. And by the way,
[47:00] there's usually much more. But usually
[47:02] when a person advises you and you feel
[47:04] like, man, you actually don't know what
[47:06] you're saying, you're way off base,
[47:08] there's always something in there that's
[47:10] good. Something. and make it your
[47:14] mission, your job to try to identify and
[47:16] find what it is that is good. Reflect
[47:18] privately and make dua to Allah. Oh
[47:20] Allah, show me the truth of what they
[47:22] said and help me follow it. Show me the
[47:24] truth of what they said and help me
[47:26] follow it. So this hadith of the
[47:28] prophetat wasam, it teaches us in
[47:31] summary the really important concept of
[47:35] how every relationship number one has to
[47:37] allow for advice to be given. Okay.
[47:41] Number two, the advice has protocol.
[47:43] There's a method. You can't just take
[47:46] all these ingredients for food and then
[47:48] put them in a blender and drink it. It's
[47:50] not going to be the same. Imagine a
[47:52] biryani smoothie. Like, it's just not
[47:53] the same, right? Ew. Right? So, all of
[47:58] these methods are the presentation of
[48:00] the ingredients in the right way. You
[48:02] need to make sure that you present it in
[48:04] the proper way. If you do it in the
[48:05] wrong way, you're taking this beautiful
[48:06] food and you're ruining it. Okay? And
[48:09] then the last thing and this is kind of
[48:11] like the uh the advanced level is that
[48:14] he began by saying
[48:19] the most beloved of Allah's servants to
[48:21] Allah.
[48:23] This means that if you want to be
[48:24] beloved to Allah, you're not only going
[48:26] to be the one that is sincere in
[48:28] advising and receiving, but you'll
[48:29] actually get to a point, may Allah give
[48:31] us this, where you begin to seek out
[48:33] advice. So it's no longer just waiting
[48:35] for it or like letting someone advise
[48:37] you. Now you're like, I want to be
[48:40] beloved to Allah. I want to be beloved
[48:42] to Allah. So part of that is I'm going
[48:44] to sincerely ask my friends, hey, do you
[48:47] have any advice for me? Do you have
[48:49] anything that you can tell me?
[48:52] My friends and I, we do this usually
[48:53] like once a year. We have a small group
[48:55] of people and we get together and we get
[48:58] some food and we sit and we'll actually
[49:00] ask each other. It's very difficult. It
[49:03] was in the beginning. Now it's kind of a
[49:04] little more normal. will actually ask
[49:06] each other like, "Hey, can you advise
[49:08] me?" And the advice, subhan Allah, like
[49:11] you might guess what it is, but they're
[49:14] actually their observations sometimes
[49:16] are like I don't want to say shocking
[49:18] because it that's like a bad
[49:19] connotation, but like very insightful.
[49:21] Very insightful. One time I saw one of
[49:24] my friends advise another friend about
[49:26] like this guy's great. They're both
[49:28] great people, by the way. But he said,
[49:29] "Look, I just think that sometimes the
[49:33] way you talk to your kids is too harsh."
[49:37] And that guy, Subhan Allah, the guy who
[49:39] received it, said, "I've been thinking
[49:40] about this for like months." And he
[49:43] said, "I actually admire how you talk to
[49:44] your kids. Like, I wish I could do
[49:46] that." Isn't that crazy? I saw this
[49:49] happen and I was like, "Wow." Because
[49:51] you would expect, but again, that's a
[49:53] very close circle, right? I wouldn't go
[49:54] up to a random person at Trader Joe's be
[49:56] like, "Hey, I saw that,
[49:59] you know, I'm going to call CPS, you
[50:00] know, like no, this is a close friends,
[50:02] you know, like we're people that love
[50:03] each other." And so, like, he said that
[50:04] and the fact that that guy said, you
[50:06] know, I've actually been thinking about
[50:07] this, like I actually want to work on
[50:08] this and I'm I'm I'm I'm sort of
[50:11] relieved that you brought it up because
[50:12] imagine now he has to go to that guy and
[50:14] say, "Can you teach me how to talk to my
[50:16] kids?" It's kind of embarrassing, right?
[50:18] But subhan Allah because he was he was
[50:20] ready and willing and because this guy
[50:22] was courageous Allah maybe maybe maybe
[50:26] you know facilitated the baraka of
[50:27] saving that that man's relationship with
[50:30] his children right and so don't ever let
[50:34] advice in our community go out of style
[50:37] don't let it go out of style just do it
[50:39] the right way we need to do it the right
[50:41] way once we commit to doing advice the
[50:44] right way we will see our relationships
[50:46] will not only maintain but they'll get
[50:48] much better. They'll get much better.
[50:50] People now are afraid to give advice and
[50:53] they don't want to receive it. This is
[50:55] the worst situation we can find
[50:56] ourselves in. People are afraid because
[50:59] why? Oh, who am I to advise? If I do
[51:01] this, I'm going to be called judgmental.
[51:02] This and this. People are angry to
[51:04] receive. People don't know my story.
[51:06] They don't know this. This is the worst
[51:08] possible way to find ourselves. Until we
[51:10] can rectify the position of where we
[51:12] are, we're actually missing out on the
[51:14] love of Allahh. As the hadith says, we
[51:17] have to search for this. We have to seek
[51:19] it. Begin by asking those around you who
[51:21] you trust, who you love, hey, can you
[51:23] give me some advice and see how much
[51:26] benefit you find in that? May Allah
[51:28] grant us. May Allah accept from us and
[51:30] make our hearts open to giving and
[51:31] receiving advice for his sake. Let's do
[51:34] some questions and then we have uh Okay.
[51:38] What should you do if your parents are
[51:39] constantly reminding you of the burden
[51:41] you are to them as a woman in her late
[51:42] 20s still living at home? not of choice.
[51:46] Okay.
[51:48] So, may Allah make this easy. You know,
[51:50] this is a very difficult scenario that a
[51:52] lot of people find themselves in. I I
[51:54] want to, you know, I want to be very
[51:57] clear about something.
[52:00] 30 and up is a for people that
[52:04] um
[52:06] we live during different eras of like
[52:09] Islamic practice and Islamic uh you
[52:11] know, development. And part of the
[52:14] defining message of a lot of our growth
[52:18] as young Muslims or people who have
[52:20] accepted Islam in that era was the uh
[52:22] obedience to parents thing. It was like
[52:24] a big deal. First of all, there is no
[52:26] obedience to anyone besides Allah, his
[52:27] messenger. So we actually don't use the
[52:29] word obedience to parents ever. We
[52:31] actually don't have obedient. The word
[52:33] obedience in Arabic is not used in the
[52:35] context of parents. This something that
[52:38] taught us that word in English is never
[52:41] used for anyone outside of Allah and his
[52:43] messenger in the Quran right
[52:48] is not used for parents. The word that
[52:50] Allah uses is actually
[52:56] do your best
[52:59] not like your fake best but your
[53:00] absolute best. Okay? Because obedience
[53:04] is something that only a perfect being
[53:09] can reserve. Like if I say you have to
[53:11] obey me, the assumption in that
[53:13] statement is that I'm perfect. I'm never
[53:15] going to make a mistake, right? Because
[53:17] you have to obey me. But Allah we know
[53:20] is the only perfect being. So he
[53:23] deserves obedience and by extension his
[53:25] messenger sallallahu alaihi wasallam.
[53:27] Okay. But anybody else outside of those
[53:30] two categories, there's no obedience.
[53:34] There is what? There is there is doing
[53:37] your best. So that message was kind of
[53:40] really pushed a lot 90s, 2000s, 2010s.
[53:44] And in that message again what I talked
[53:46] about in the beginning because there was
[53:47] such a hyperfocus
[53:49] on one side of the relationship, there
[53:52] was a deep neglect of the other side.
[53:55] And what what what that led to was a
[53:58] very dangerous power dynamic. Now, if
[54:00] you have a good relationship with your
[54:02] parents, please do not imagine things
[54:03] that are not real. A lot of people are
[54:05] like, "Oh, my parents abused me. How?
[54:07] They got me a BMW instead of a Mercedes.
[54:09] Be quiet." Okay? That's not what we're
[54:10] talking about here. That's not trauma.
[54:13] Okay? We're talking about And even this
[54:15] question, like I don't know the whole
[54:16] story, so I can't And by the way,
[54:18] another thing for advice is like it has
[54:20] to be like there's got to be a lot of
[54:22] like uh details and stuff. So, I don't
[54:24] know what's going on here. I don't know
[54:25] the whole scenario and I'm not talking
[54:26] about this. But I do want to use this
[54:28] question as a chance to address
[54:29] something, which is a lot of parents are
[54:31] going to be asked on the day of judgment
[54:32] about how they raise their kids.
[54:35] Yes, kids have to do their best for
[54:38] their parents. I get it. We do. We know
[54:40] that it's in the Quran. But it's almost
[54:42] as if some parents don't realize
[54:46] like they parent as if there can be no
[54:48] wrong. And I think that that's a really
[54:51] dangerous place for parents to be. And I
[54:52] say that as a young parent myself, I
[54:55] have to remind myself constantly that
[54:58] these children are not my slaves.
[55:00] They're my responsibility.
[55:02] They're my ama ama. Like I have to take
[55:05] care of them. And that means
[55:07] financially, physically, spiritually,
[55:10] spiritually. I say this because it's
[55:12] almost as if sometimes you hear stories
[55:14] where the parents actually didn't care
[55:16] if their kids remain Muslim or not. It
[55:18] was more about the obedience and the
[55:20] culture and then the kid leaves Islam
[55:22] and they're like good riddance. No, no,
[55:25] no, no. That's not okay. We don't engage
[55:28] like that. That's not how we operate.
[55:30] Where where did you ever see the
[55:31] prophetam talk to children like that
[55:34] where or anybody for that matter?
[55:39] I'm find me the hadith. I would love to
[55:41] I would love to read it with you. So
[55:44] really really important and I want to
[55:45] just leave this here. It's very very
[55:48] important for us to realize that there
[55:50] is that responsibility. Now, some of us
[55:52] are sitting here saying, "Okay, thank
[55:53] you. I would have loved to have heard
[55:55] this, you know, like 25 years ago or I
[55:57] wish my parents could hear this. This is
[55:58] not helping my scenario." Okay, I get
[56:00] it. But what I'm trying to do is
[56:03] validate you and let you know that yes,
[56:05] sometimes the things that your parents
[56:07] may have done or said were not correct.
[56:09] And by the way, a lot of parents do come
[56:11] to realize that. And at some point, they
[56:14] do say, "I was just trying my best. I
[56:15] didn't know better. We have to have
[56:17] mercy for people as well, right? We
[56:19] can't just take out a emotional cannon
[56:22] and just blast people away. No, we're
[56:24] human. I made mistakes. You made
[56:27] mistakes. We all make mistakes. Okay.
[56:30] So, this scenario, right, the idea of
[56:33] reminding somebody that they're a
[56:34] burden, etc. Again, I'm going to assume
[56:37] that these are not assumed words, but
[56:39] these are actually explicitly stated
[56:42] because it's dangerous to say if they
[56:44] make me feel like a burden. But as
[56:46] opposed to they actually do tell you you
[56:48] are burdened. Like that's that's
[56:50] crossing the line because sometimes we
[56:52] can assume that people mean things that
[56:53] they're not actually sending. Right? So
[56:56] if a parent tells their in this case
[56:59] daughter that you are a burden because
[57:01] you are living in your late 20s and
[57:02] you're still living at home, it seems to
[57:03] be that because maybe the that they're
[57:05] not married, then this is something
[57:07] that's not right. Right. This is a form
[57:09] of emotional uh uh I don't want to say
[57:12] abuse per se, but it's a form of
[57:14] emotional uh um neglect and the person
[57:17] is being treated. It's it's mistreatment
[57:20] and the person needs to I would
[57:21] recommend that you try to find something
[57:24] a scenario where you can arbitrate with
[57:26] your parents about how they feel. If you
[57:28] can talk to them directly, that's good.
[57:29] If you can share, that's good. If they
[57:31] don't seem to be interested in that,
[57:32] then maybe try to utilize someone like a
[57:34] trusted family friend, an imam, etc.
[57:36] that can help navigate that
[57:38] conversation.
[57:48] Why do I feel guilty for choosing my own
[57:50] well-being even when I know helping
[57:51] others would have caused me stress?
[57:56] So there you know Islam the beauty of
[58:00] the Islamic
[58:02] framework is that every ethic every
[58:05] ideal that Allah tells us in the Quran
[58:08] or the prophet demonstrates for us in
[58:10] his sunnah is always tied to these base
[58:14] principles these base goals known as the
[58:17] of what are the goals of Islam of Sharia
[58:21] one of those goals the the utmost of
[58:24] them right after preservation of faith
[58:26] case is preservation of your own life
[58:28] and this includes also health right at a
[58:32] baseline that's acceptable okay so you
[58:35] can't say like oh it's part of my health
[58:36] to have a Maybach like that's not you
[58:38] know but at a baseline right general
[58:41] health for those who don't know what a
[58:43] maybach is may Allah bless you right may
[58:45] Allah bless you with endless wealth okay
[58:47] so
[58:50] the question the person is asking is why
[58:51] do I feel guilty for choosing myself
[58:53] even when I know that I would have been
[58:55] caused stress stress for others. Well,
[58:58] let me let me let me give you two two
[59:00] paths, okay? Um, it's okay to be
[59:03] stressed out by helping others. And what
[59:06] I mean to say is you don't have to be
[59:08] always comfortable all the time.
[59:12] You know, part of the price of being in
[59:14] a community and having friends is
[59:15] discomfort. Like, if your friend is
[59:17] sick, it's going to cost you money to go
[59:20] and buy them food and cook them food and
[59:22] drop it off. and it might actually take
[59:24] away your whole evening. That's
[59:26] uncomfortable, right? That's stress. But
[59:30] that's the cost of being a friend. Would
[59:33] you rather be lonely? Like which one? So
[59:36] there's one side of this which is what
[59:38] stress is stress that is functional,
[59:41] adaptable, appropriate stress or
[59:43] discomfort. Okay, which is part of life.
[59:46] I mean, if you exercise, you're putting
[59:48] stress in your body every day. It's a
[59:50] good stress. Okay. And then there's
[59:53] dysfunctional stress or stress that
[59:55] leads to dysfunction. And that Islam
[59:58] says, you never sacrifice your own
[59:59] well-being for the sake of
[1:00:01] dysfunctionally
[1:00:02] uh uh incurring stress upon yourself.
[1:00:06] You never do that. You never give away
[1:00:08] all of your wealth to the point where
[1:00:09] you can't pay your bills. That's not
[1:00:11] encouraged in Islam. That's not The
[1:00:14] Prophet once told a companion who tried.
[1:00:16] There was a companion who tried and he
[1:00:18] said, "Don't do that. You need some
[1:00:19] money. Right? So we learn that if we're
[1:00:24] looking at this question, there's two
[1:00:25] different ways of reading it. Number one
[1:00:27] is are you talking about like
[1:00:28] inconvenience,
[1:00:30] discomfort, maybe something not going
[1:00:32] according to plan, you know what, that's
[1:00:34] part of life. And if you want to have
[1:00:36] fulfillment, those moments of
[1:00:37] gratification, of being with others, of
[1:00:39] belonging to something, then yes, it
[1:00:41] might require that you wake up earlier
[1:00:43] than you wanted to, that you go to a
[1:00:45] restaurant that you didn't particularly
[1:00:46] like, that you stay up a little bit
[1:00:48] later, that you give the ride home even
[1:00:50] though you wanted to go straight home
[1:00:50] yourself. That's part of life, okay? And
[1:00:53] if you want to have friends, embrace the
[1:00:54] discomfort. You can't always make
[1:00:56] yourself happy. You're going to have to
[1:00:57] choose their happiness over yours.
[1:00:58] That's part of life. But if we're
[1:01:01] talking about truly dysfunctional stress
[1:01:03] or stress that leads to dysfunction,
[1:01:05] then yes, the answer is you should of
[1:01:07] course take care of your own faith and
[1:01:09] your own well-being over anything that
[1:01:11] causes that. May Allah give us um
[1:01:14] inshallah we're going to break now for
[1:01:16] prayer. Uh it's in 2 minutes. So if
[1:01:18] you'd like to head over and join us in
[1:01:19] to pray, then I would love to see you
[1:01:21] there. May Allah accept from us and make
[1:01:24] us those that embody all the
[1:01:25] characteristics of our beautiful
[1:01:26] messenger. Subhan Allah.

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