# How to Make Friends as an Adult—Even After Rejection

An episode of [A Really Good Cry](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1708895338), 13 May 2025, 29 min.

Audio: https://podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/e73c998e-6e60-432f-8610-ae210140c5b1/df24579c-d34d-442a-8481-b06501282e4d/4203ac20-b72d-4cf8-b475-b2dc006fa923/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=10ca5a50-409d-41dc-a52d-b06501421bfc

Have you ever had a friendship end without any real explanation? This week on A Really Good Cry, I’m opening up about one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn as an adult: not every friendship is meant to last, and sometimes, you won’t get a reason why. I’ll share the story of a connection that felt full of potential, only to end without explanation. It left me feeling confused, a bit heartbroken, and honestly, kind of spiraling for a while. More than just a story of rejection, this episode is about what it taught me—about communication, grace, and how much energy we give to people who’ve already let go. I’ll also walk through the tools and mindset shifts that helped me move forward, and the surprising ways I’ve found deeper, more aligned friendships since. If you’ve ever felt confused, hurt, or quietly heartbroken over a friendship that faded too fast, this one’s for you. You’re not alone—and you’re not the only one still trying to understand. What We Discuss: • 00:00 Introduction • 00:46 Friendship rejection • 09:37 How I learned to prioritize the right people • 10:59 Why making friends as an adult is so hard • 12:53 Friendship is Just like dating • 14:01 Why you should always give people a second chance • 16:37 Figure out the key qualities you want in a friend • 18:20 Find friends in the most unexpected places • 22:01 Don’t wait for a friendship to happen • 24:23 How to meet friends in the real world • 25:52 The joy of connecting friends from different circles • 27:05 Why noticing your flaws can save friendships • 29:24 How to be more present with your friends Follow Radhi: https://www.instagram.com/radhidevlukia/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxWe9A4kMf9V_AHOXkGhCzQ https://www.facebook.com/radhidevlukia1/ https://www.tiktok.com/@radhidevlukia See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:00] Speaker 1: Rejection, whether it's in friendship and work, in any area,
[0:03] Speaker 1: you have to remember that sometimes it's just okay. You
[0:06] Speaker 1: don't need an explanation, you don't need to find out why,
[0:09] Speaker 1: you don't need to do a deep dive. The more
[0:11] Speaker 1: energy that you put into something that feels negative in
[0:14] Speaker 1: your life, the more negativity is coming into your life.
[0:16] Speaker 1: And if that person doesn't want you in their life,
[0:18] Speaker 1: that is okay. Doesn't mean that person is terrible, doesn't
[0:21] Speaker 1: mean that you've done anything wrong. It may just mean
[0:23] Speaker 1: that your energies do not match, and that is so fine.
[0:27] Speaker 1: I'm Raley w Kia and on my podcast A Really
[0:29] Speaker 1: Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
[0:33] Speaker 1: a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
[0:37] Speaker 1: allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
[0:41] Speaker 1: comfort together. Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode
[0:44] Speaker 1: of A Really Good Cry. Today, I'm actually gonna tell
[0:47] Speaker 1: you guys a story storytelling people. I'm sharing this story
[0:52] Speaker 1: because it's actually been something that I found really difficult
[0:55] Speaker 1: to let go of, and I think it's for multiple reasons,
[0:58] Speaker 1: but my main reason for sharing the story is because
[1:01] Speaker 1: I know that in friendships, rejection can happen quite often,
[1:05] Speaker 1: and we end up seeing people with.
[1:08] Speaker 2: These beautiful friendships online.
[1:09] Speaker 1: You see people together, and to be honest, I have
[1:11] Speaker 1: some really great friendships in my life that I am
[1:14] Speaker 1: so proud of and feel like our great, beautiful examples
[1:18] Speaker 1: of what friendship can be. But I also wanted to
[1:21] Speaker 1: let you guys in on the times I've been epically
[1:25] Speaker 1: rejected as a friend. But this thing happened to me
[1:27] Speaker 1: within the last year. I reacted and acted in ways
[1:31] Speaker 1: that were quite embarrassing, but I don't regret it because
[1:36] Speaker 1: I learned a lesson to throw it about things I
[1:38] Speaker 1: needed to improve in friendship, but also a lesson in
[1:41] Speaker 1: rejection that sometimes people just don't like you, and that
[1:45] Speaker 1: is bloody okay, even if you don't know the reason,
[1:48] Speaker 1: even if they don't explain it to you. Sometimes people
[1:52] Speaker 1: just do not want to be your friend, and that
[1:54] Speaker 1: is the harsh reality.
[1:56] Speaker 2: But we get back up and we try again.
[1:59] Speaker 1: So I'm gonna really summarized this very long story, but
[2:03] Speaker 1: essentially I met this girl and she was lovely. Lots
[2:06] Speaker 1: of people would tell us that we would really get along,
[2:10] Speaker 1: and so I was like, oh, this is going to
[2:11] Speaker 1: be an exciting new friendship. Anyway, we kind of had
[2:14] Speaker 1: an online friendship for a while before we actually met
[2:18] Speaker 1: in person, and honestly, that online friendship seemed nice and supportive.
[2:23] Speaker 1: We ended up finally going to I think it was
[2:27] Speaker 1: like an event or something that we were meant to
[2:28] Speaker 1: be going to. And before that we scheduled to meet
[2:31] Speaker 1: up and have a really nice dinner. And honestly, when
[2:35] Speaker 1: I went there, we had such a great time. We
[2:37] Speaker 1: got along really well. I felt like we had a
[2:39] Speaker 1: good conversation. You know, I felt like it was going
[2:41] Speaker 1: to be a friendship for a long time. I think
[2:43] Speaker 1: she had just launched something or something big had happened
[2:45] Speaker 1: in her life, and I took her a little gift
[2:48] Speaker 1: to say congratulations, and you know, it felt like a
[2:52] Speaker 1: friendship worth investing in. I think that we had consistently
[2:56] Speaker 1: been messaging each other. I can't remember what about, but
[2:58] Speaker 1: you know, just the Hayes highs and trying to schedule.
[3:02] Speaker 1: Sometimes I wouldn't respond back if we'd gone back and
[3:04] Speaker 1: forth about a date, and then I kind of forget
[3:06] Speaker 1: to respond. That's something that I'm really working on and
[3:08] Speaker 1: have worked on a lot. After reflecting on this story,
[3:11] Speaker 1: like sometimes I wasn't great at communicating, but at the
[3:13] Speaker 1: same time, when it's a new friendship, we kind of
[3:15] Speaker 1: give people grace, right You're like, Okay, they probably do
[3:17] Speaker 1: have other things going on. And I felt the same
[3:19] Speaker 1: with her. You know, she would come here, we wouldn't
[3:21] Speaker 1: necessarily get to meet each other. But I was like, dirt,
[3:24] Speaker 1: Obviously she's not going to prioritize me. We're not that close.
[3:27] Speaker 1: But still I wanted to continue and try and build
[3:29] Speaker 1: a friendship. And then I was like reaching out to
[3:32] Speaker 1: all my friends and people that I wanted to send
[3:33] Speaker 1: my book to and I was so excited and I
[3:35] Speaker 1: was like, I'd love to send you my book and
[3:37] Speaker 1: she was like, no, no, I'll I'll buy it. And
[3:40] Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that's so sweet, but I would
[3:41] Speaker 1: love to send it to you because I actually have
[3:42] Speaker 1: a gift that's going out to some of my friends
[3:44] Speaker 1: with it. So I thought, Okay, maybe I've done something wrong,
[3:48] Speaker 1: maybe something's happened.
[3:49] Speaker 2: I in writed it to a few things. She said no,
[3:52] Speaker 2: and then.
[3:52] Speaker 1: I saw something that she was posting on Instagram about
[3:55] Speaker 1: knowing who your real friends are and people being transactional,
[3:59] Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, my gosh, I think she's
[4:01] Speaker 1: misunderstood what I was actually trying to do in that moment.
[4:04] Speaker 1: We don't have to be good friends, but I just
[4:06] Speaker 1: want to make sure that there is nothing misunderstood and
[4:09] Speaker 1: that the energy between us is clean. And Okay, I
[4:12] Speaker 1: see you and I wish you well. You see me
[4:14] Speaker 1: and you wish me well. That's my baseline. So me
[4:17] Speaker 1: being me, I send a long voice note and I'm like,
[4:19] Speaker 1: this is probably ridiculous, but I saw your instagram. I
[4:23] Speaker 1: want to make sure that it wasn't about me, because
[4:25] Speaker 1: I would feel terrible if.
[4:26] Speaker 2: That's what you think.
[4:27] Speaker 1: And I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way,
[4:30] Speaker 1: like would love to talk about it.
[4:32] Speaker 2: So anyway.
[4:32] Speaker 1: She then ends up messaging me back, I think like
[4:35] Speaker 1: six days later or something, being like, oh no, it
[4:38] Speaker 1: wasn't about you. If you want to send me the book,
[4:40] Speaker 1: then you can. I said, thank you so much, no worries.
[4:44] Speaker 1: And I then felt like you know when you just
[4:45] Speaker 1: feel like the energy is not right between you, like
[4:48] Speaker 1: something has happened where it's not quite sitting right. So
[4:52] Speaker 1: then I end up reaching out again, like I think
[4:54] Speaker 1: a couple of months later, just being like, hey, we'd
[4:57] Speaker 1: love to just sit down and chat and just catch
[4:59] Speaker 1: up and and hope.
[5:00] Speaker 2: You're well blah blah blah.
[5:02] Speaker 1: Basically, I didn't receive a response, and I was like, oh,
[5:04] Speaker 1: this is a bit weird because I saw that she
[5:05] Speaker 1: was active on all the places. I sound like a stalker,
[5:08] Speaker 1: I know, but this is something I'm working on. And
[5:10] Speaker 1: then I was like, wow, she really hasn't replied. I
[5:12] Speaker 1: then go on Instagram and I noticed that when you
[5:16] Speaker 1: unfollow someone, obviously you see that that person's unfollowed you.
[5:19] Speaker 1: But what had happened was I think she doesn't follow me,
[5:22] Speaker 1: but then also I no longer follow her, so like
[5:24] Speaker 1: maybe you know when you block someone and it unfollows
[5:26] Speaker 1: both parties. And then I noticed she'd also done that too, Jay,
[5:30] Speaker 1: and I was like, oh my god, I've obviously done
[5:32] Speaker 1: something to fully offend her. So then I reached out
[5:35] Speaker 1: to a mutual friend and I was like, I don't
[5:37] Speaker 1: know what's happened, but I just wanted to check, like,
[5:39] Speaker 1: have I done something ridiculous that's offended her that I
[5:42] Speaker 1: have no idea about. She told me that she doesn't
[5:44] Speaker 1: think I've done anything, and it's just like she's just
[5:47] Speaker 1: trying to weed out people that she doesn't want in
[5:49] Speaker 1: her life, and I was like, what have I done
[5:51] Speaker 1: for her to not want me in my life?
[5:52] Speaker 2: Anyway?
[5:53] Speaker 1: It was like full rejaction, Literally have not heard anything.
[5:56] Speaker 1: I have no idea what I've done. All I wanted
[5:58] Speaker 1: was to just have a comversation, just to make sure
[6:01] Speaker 1: that I hadn't done anything to upset her. And I
[6:03] Speaker 1: also realized that sometimes my communication wasn't bad, so maybe
[6:05] Speaker 1: I gave off the energy that I didn't want to
[6:07] Speaker 1: be friends by not responding in certain ways. But I
[6:10] Speaker 1: was like, damn, that was such an extreme response, and
[6:12] Speaker 1: it really upset me because I felt really misunderstood, and
[6:16] Speaker 1: at the same time, I didn't understand why would someone
[6:18] Speaker 1: go to such an extreme measure with something that I
[6:21] Speaker 1: felt was quite small. And I understand that sometimes things
[6:24] Speaker 1: can be small to you but then also big to
[6:26] Speaker 1: the other person. All that to say, I got fully rejected,
[6:29] Speaker 1: Like fully, it seems like the person doesn't have a conversation,
[6:32] Speaker 1: doesn't want to have an interaction, and doesn't even want
[6:34] Speaker 1: to speak, let alone clear the air. My sister was like, Okay,
[6:37] Speaker 1: you need to stop because this is getting a little
[6:40] Speaker 1: bit crazy and you need to ease off.
[6:43] Speaker 2: You need to like you need to be okay. If
[6:45] Speaker 2: someone doesn't like you, they just don't like you.
[6:46] Speaker 1: And I realized that I had struggled with that throughout
[6:49] Speaker 1: my life, and it was a really good lesson for
[6:51] Speaker 1: me to remind myself that I really have to work
[6:54] Speaker 1: on that practice that rejection, whether it's in friendship and
[6:57] Speaker 1: work in any area, you have to remin but that
[7:00] Speaker 1: sometimes it's just okay. You don't need an explanation, you
[7:03] Speaker 1: don't need to find out why, you don't need to
[7:05] Speaker 1: do a deep dive. The more energy that you put
[7:08] Speaker 1: into something that feels negative in your life, the more
[7:10] Speaker 1: negativity is coming into your life. And if that person
[7:13] Speaker 1: doesn't want you in their life, that is okay. Doesn't
[7:15] Speaker 1: mean that that person is terrible, doesn't mean that you've
[7:18] Speaker 1: done anything wrong. It may just mean that your energies
[7:20] Speaker 1: do not match. And that is so fine someone to
[7:22] Speaker 1: tell that story, because I'm sure, in some rendition or
[7:25] Speaker 1: some way in your life, you've been through a situation
[7:28] Speaker 1: where you don't know why someone has stopped being your
[7:30] Speaker 1: friend or why that person doesn't want to be a friend.
[7:32] Speaker 1: No matter how much effort you put in the problem,
[7:35] Speaker 1: that we most of us go through is that we
[7:37] Speaker 1: focus on the people or the things that actually give
[7:40] Speaker 1: us the least amount of attention, and then we don't
[7:41] Speaker 1: focus on the people or the things that actually provide
[7:44] Speaker 1: us with so much joy and actually give us so
[7:46] Speaker 1: much love and attention in our life. It also taught
[7:48] Speaker 1: me lessons that I have recently worked on when it
[7:51] Speaker 1: comes to communication and friendship.
[7:53] Speaker 2: And so what I wanted to do.
[7:54] Speaker 1: I want to go through some of the things that
[7:56] Speaker 1: I've learned that have actually allowed me to make some
[7:59] Speaker 1: of the best friends that I've ever had in my life.
[8:02] Speaker 1: But also I shared that story so that you understood
[8:05] Speaker 1: that also rejection comes with it sometimes and putting yourself
[8:07] Speaker 1: out there is not an easy is not an easy journey,
[8:10] Speaker 1: but it's definitely worth while. I have some incredible friends,
[8:13] Speaker 1: and they've come in some of the most beautiful ways.
[8:16] Speaker 2: And you know, I've had to.
[8:16] Speaker 1: Reset completely in my life in so many different phases
[8:19] Speaker 1: of my life, whether it was moving to New York
[8:22] Speaker 1: City where I literally knew nobody, and then I moved
[8:23] Speaker 1: from New York to la where I literally didn't know
[8:25] Speaker 1: anybody either, or within the space of a couple of years,
[8:28] Speaker 1: so I actually had to reset completely each time. I
[8:31] Speaker 1: have to find new friends and then also make time
[8:33] Speaker 1: to invest in the friends that I already had back
[8:36] Speaker 1: in London. And for anybody that struggles with making friends,
[8:39] Speaker 1: you know, when we were younger, we were put in
[8:41] Speaker 1: a lot of situations where a lot of our friendships
[8:43] Speaker 1: were situational. So whether it's school or whether it's college,
[8:47] Speaker 1: we're kind of forced into these environments where making friends
[8:51] Speaker 1: is a big part of why we are there. And
[8:53] Speaker 1: so as we become adults, we're put into less situations
[8:56] Speaker 1: like that. When you're a child, you make friends on
[8:58] Speaker 1: in the playground or activities after school, or sports teams
[9:03] Speaker 1: or like me, playing violin, or you go to your
[9:06] Speaker 1: swim classes afterwards, and you create different friends because of
[9:09] Speaker 1: the activities that you do. Your parents facilitate that for you,
[9:12] Speaker 1: and friendships doing childhood are also so much simpler most
[9:15] Speaker 1: of the time because we don't have the baggage or
[9:17] Speaker 1: the complexities of adult life or responsibilities or expectations that
[9:21] Speaker 1: we've built over the things that we've been through in
[9:23] Speaker 1: our life. And so I remember going through these phases
[9:25] Speaker 1: of my life where I was like, oh, the more
[9:27] Speaker 1: friends I have, the better.
[9:29] Speaker 2: I need to pile them up.
[9:30] Speaker 1: And then I went through phases where I'd been burned
[9:32] Speaker 1: and I had my walls up, and I was like, oh,
[9:33] Speaker 1: I only need a few good friends in my life.
[9:35] Speaker 1: And I actually realized now that both the narratives for
[9:38] Speaker 1: me were wrong. One thing I do know is that
[9:40] Speaker 1: connection and community can completely make or break you. I
[9:44] Speaker 1: have so many friends who, when I moved to LA
[9:47] Speaker 1: would tell me just how much they disliked LA because
[9:50] Speaker 1: they had not built a community or made good friends.
[9:53] Speaker 1: Then as soon as they found their people or their community,
[9:55] Speaker 1: they completely shifted their mood and loved LA again. They
[9:58] Speaker 1: felt like they had found their place. And I always
[10:00] Speaker 1: say this, I'm like, you can go anywhere in the world,
[10:03] Speaker 1: and if you find community and if you find good friendship,
[10:06] Speaker 1: it can feel like home. If you don't find that,
[10:09] Speaker 1: it will not feel like home. And that's why LA
[10:11] Speaker 1: for me, was such a beautiful space, because I really
[10:14] Speaker 1: cultivated so many friendships here that it began to feel
[10:17] Speaker 1: like family. It began to feel like we had a
[10:19] Speaker 1: community around us. You know, community is what we're built for.
[10:22] Speaker 1: We literally as humans are built to live together, to
[10:24] Speaker 1: be together. And I think lack of community is a
[10:27] Speaker 1: big part of people's anxiety and sadness in life these days. Actually,
[10:30] Speaker 1: if I think about it, I've made some of my
[10:32] Speaker 1: closest friends in my adulthood and it's been such a
[10:34] Speaker 1: fun process. Friendship is definitely a similar ballgame to dating.
[10:38] Speaker 1: I will say that because it takes a lot of investment.
[10:41] Speaker 1: You also have to start going out on dates. You
[10:43] Speaker 1: have to feel it out. You have to see if
[10:44] Speaker 1: you like the person, you like their qualities, you like
[10:46] Speaker 1: what they do, how you like spending time with them.
[10:49] Speaker 1: And it's so funny because at the beginning, when we
[10:51] Speaker 1: first moved to New York, j You would keep trying
[10:53] Speaker 1: to set me up with every single girl that he
[10:55] Speaker 1: possibly met. He would tell them about me and be like, you,
[10:58] Speaker 1: guys should hang out. So he keeps setting up these
[11:00] Speaker 1: gal dates for me, and it was very sweet. But
[11:02] Speaker 1: at the same time, I was like, listen, I need
[11:04] Speaker 1: to do this by myself. I do not need you
[11:06] Speaker 1: to be responsible for my friend life.
[11:09] Speaker 2: And I get it.
[11:09] Speaker 1: Sometimes you can get so in our mind where you're like, oh,
[11:12] Speaker 1: that person may not be really nice, or they already
[11:14] Speaker 1: have their best friend, there's no space for me, and blah,
[11:17] Speaker 1: blah blah. But the thing is, if you keep telling
[11:19] Speaker 1: yourself those stories, which, by the way, I used to
[11:20] Speaker 1: tell myself all the time, then yeah, you actually won't
[11:23] Speaker 1: end up even trying to make friends. And you have
[11:26] Speaker 1: to think in your mind, do I want friends or
[11:27] Speaker 1: do I not? And so you can keep building this
[11:30] Speaker 1: narrative in your mind. But unless you put yourself out
[11:32] Speaker 1: there and you actually choose to invest time, energy and
[11:36] Speaker 1: space into a friendship, you can't.
[11:38] Speaker 2: Expect it to grow and look.
[11:40] Speaker 1: Like I said, I've made many mistakes with friendships, and
[11:42] Speaker 1: I found some really solid ones. So I thought I'd
[11:44] Speaker 1: just share some of my reflections and hope that it
[11:46] Speaker 1: helps you to create your community too. So my first
[11:48] Speaker 1: piece of advice is do not shut people off too fast.
[11:52] Speaker 1: Give people a second chance. I learned that from the
[11:55] Speaker 1: situation I told you about at the beginning of this podcast.
[11:58] Speaker 2: I've learned that through my.
[11:59] Speaker 1: Own fault that I've made in friendships before, where I
[12:02] Speaker 1: met someone once and I judge them based on that
[12:05] Speaker 1: one interaction, and then I'm like, wait, I meet them
[12:07] Speaker 1: again in a different situation, in a different circumstance, maybe
[12:10] Speaker 1: they're in a different mood, and I really like them
[12:13] Speaker 1: as a person, and I then want to spend time
[12:14] Speaker 1: with them.
[12:15] Speaker 2: So I really think you have to.
[12:17] Speaker 1: Give people more than one chance in your friend's circle,
[12:20] Speaker 1: Like would you not want someone to give you more
[12:22] Speaker 1: than one chance? And if you would, then why would
[12:24] Speaker 1: you not do that for somebody else. I recently had
[12:26] Speaker 1: a guest on that was talking about dating, and she said,
[12:29] Speaker 1: ideally you should do a minimum of two dates to
[12:31] Speaker 1: actually make an informed decision. And I think that's true,
[12:34] Speaker 1: whether it's a relationship or a friendship. You know, nowadays
[12:37] Speaker 1: we just ghosts and cut people off so fast, like
[12:40] Speaker 1: no explanation, no conversation, no chance given, and we just
[12:44] Speaker 1: cut them off because we're like, oh, you know what,
[12:46] Speaker 1: We'll find someone else. But I think having a wide
[12:48] Speaker 1: group of friends and friends for different things is actually
[12:51] Speaker 1: a really integral part of having a community.
[12:53] Speaker 2: You don't have to be best friends with everyone, and
[12:55] Speaker 2: that's the mistake we make.
[12:56] Speaker 1: We're like, but I don't feel like that person's my
[12:58] Speaker 1: best friend, and I don't feel like I can tell
[13:00] Speaker 1: everything where you don't have to. I have friends who
[13:03] Speaker 1: I work out with or play sports with. I have
[13:05] Speaker 1: friends who are my FOODI friends who I know, I
[13:07] Speaker 1: can go to fund exciting food adventures with or send
[13:09] Speaker 1: them some fun recipes that I can't wait to make.
[13:11] Speaker 1: I have my spiritual group of friends that I connect
[13:14] Speaker 1: with on practices and fundamental values. I have friends that
[13:17] Speaker 1: I know I have a good night out with, and
[13:19] Speaker 1: then I have couple friends that me and Jay hang
[13:21] Speaker 1: out with together. They don't all meet all my needs,
[13:23] Speaker 1: and that's not what friends are supposed to do. I
[13:26] Speaker 1: think the point is you find different friends, and you
[13:28] Speaker 1: find the one thing or the two things that you
[13:30] Speaker 1: enjoy doing or that you love about them, and then
[13:32] Speaker 1: you work off that every single person has flaws, every
[13:36] Speaker 1: single person is working on something, every single person has weeds.
[13:39] Speaker 1: We cannot expect the people that we meet to be
[13:42] Speaker 1: perfect because we, down well are not perfect, and so
[13:44] Speaker 1: you can't expect perfection from other people. So now when
[13:47] Speaker 1: I meet someone, I think about how do I enjoy
[13:49] Speaker 1: spending time with them most. Maybe I don't love sitting
[13:52] Speaker 1: with them one on one, but that doesn't mean I
[13:54] Speaker 1: don't like them. It just means maybe we connect better
[13:56] Speaker 1: in another way. So on in write them out to
[13:59] Speaker 1: a workout or with an other group setting. And of
[14:01] Speaker 1: course you have to fundamentally like them. They can't annoy
[14:04] Speaker 1: you or bore you because at the end of the day,
[14:07] Speaker 1: you are investing time and energy and you're fitting them
[14:09] Speaker 1: into your life and into your circle. But if they
[14:12] Speaker 1: have the basic qualities that you like in a person,
[14:14] Speaker 1: then why take away a potential friend from your life?
[14:17] Speaker 1: And on that note, I guess my second piece of
[14:19] Speaker 1: advice would be figure out what your basic values or
[14:22] Speaker 1: qualities are that you like in a friend. I realize
[14:24] Speaker 1: in my life because I have my sister or my mom,
[14:26] Speaker 1: I don't really need a friend to confide in or
[14:28] Speaker 1: help me through my hard times because Jay and then
[14:31] Speaker 1: my family are those crutches for me. They're the people
[14:34] Speaker 1: that I turn to. But living away from my family,
[14:37] Speaker 1: I do appreciate friends that I can do family style
[14:39] Speaker 1: things with, like hang out and play games or have
[14:41] Speaker 1: dinners together, or be able to call and rely on
[14:44] Speaker 1: if my car broke down or if I need a
[14:46] Speaker 1: last minute favor, and I would want to be there
[14:48] Speaker 1: for them in that way too. I also have quickly
[14:50] Speaker 1: learned how to identify when people start displaying certain qualities
[14:54] Speaker 1: that are deal breakers for me, like the things that
[14:57] Speaker 1: I fundamentally know I do not appreciate friends anymore. And
[15:01] Speaker 1: also there were things that I used to do when
[15:03] Speaker 1: I was in dark times in my life, and so
[15:05] Speaker 1: I've noticed that when people do do these things, it
[15:08] Speaker 1: involves being in a dark space in your own life.
[15:11] Speaker 1: One of those fundamental things and non negotiables for me
[15:14] Speaker 1: is if someone is talking behind someone else's back for
[15:16] Speaker 1: absolutely no reason, because you know what, if they're sharing
[15:20] Speaker 1: something about someone else with you, especially when your friendship
[15:23] Speaker 1: is new, then it's more than likely that they're saying
[15:26] Speaker 1: something about you to somebody else, and especially if it's
[15:28] Speaker 1: not relevant to your life, like if it is just
[15:30] Speaker 1: pure gossip where you're being told information about somebody else's
[15:35] Speaker 1: life and it has nothing to do with you, that
[15:37] Speaker 1: to me is not a sign of a good friend.
[15:39] Speaker 1: And you know, I've noticed and I think I used
[15:41] Speaker 1: to do this when I was younger, where you end
[15:43] Speaker 1: up telling people information because you think it brings you closer,
[15:46] Speaker 1: Like I'll tell you something about this person. You tell
[15:49] Speaker 1: me something about this person, and we're kind of bonding
[15:51] Speaker 1: over this secret. But you don't need to have secrets
[15:54] Speaker 1: to be friends, Like you can just have great energy together,
[15:57] Speaker 1: you can have fun together. You don't need to have
[15:58] Speaker 1: secrets between you to actually be good friends. So figure
[16:02] Speaker 1: out and reflect on your past friendships and what would
[16:04] Speaker 1: the deal breakers for you. Next up, I would say,
[16:07] Speaker 1: be okay with finding friends in the most unexpected places.
[16:11] Speaker 2: Listen.
[16:11] Speaker 1: I have met some of my closest friends in the
[16:14] Speaker 1: most random ways, the most bizarre ways. Whether it was
[16:18] Speaker 1: the lift in my building, whether it was that random
[16:21] Speaker 1: events and I've invinted them to my house, whether I
[16:23] Speaker 1: was cooking for the fires and I reached out to
[16:25] Speaker 1: a girl that I'd never met who has now become
[16:27] Speaker 1: one of my best friends. Whether it is me getting
[16:30] Speaker 1: slapped when I was a teenager and through that slap
[16:33] Speaker 1: I found one of my best friends. I know you
[16:36] Speaker 1: want to hear this story, so I'm going to go
[16:37] Speaker 1: into it. I think I was probably definitely younger than sixteen.
[16:41] Speaker 1: I think I was maybe fourteen or fifteen. Go to
[16:43] Speaker 1: this event. This ridiculous girl, who had obviously nothing better
[16:46] Speaker 1: to do, had told this rowdy friend of hers that
[16:50] Speaker 1: I'd said something about her. I literally did not even
[16:52] Speaker 1: know who she was.
[16:54] Speaker 2: I go up to them.
[16:55] Speaker 1: They're standing in a group thinking that they're all bad,
[16:57] Speaker 1: as you do when you're a fifteen year old girl
[16:59] Speaker 1: with all your girl group friends. They were like, you know,
[17:01] Speaker 1: the popular girls. And this girl just says, did you
[17:04] Speaker 1: say something about me? And I was like no, and
[17:06] Speaker 1: she just slaps me around the face in front of
[17:08] Speaker 1: all of them. The girl that told her was laughing.
[17:11] Speaker 1: Everyone was like having a good old time. I obviously
[17:13] Speaker 1: ran off crying because what the hell. I then ended
[17:15] Speaker 1: up telling one of my friends that I went to
[17:17] Speaker 1: school with and I had become really good friends with
[17:19] Speaker 1: her boyfriend who went to another school. He then is like, listen,
[17:23] Speaker 1: I'm going to sort this out for you. No one
[17:25] Speaker 1: does that to you. He adds me into yes an
[17:28] Speaker 1: MSN conversation with one of his best friends and me,
[17:32] Speaker 1: and he's like, listen, she's going to sort this out
[17:34] Speaker 1: for you. Don't even worry about it. This girl, when
[17:37] Speaker 1: I tell you, she is still one of my bestest friends.
[17:39] Speaker 1: We've been friends for over fifteen years. She is my
[17:41] Speaker 1: ride or die, and this instance or this situation will
[17:46] Speaker 1: like show how bad she is. Like she is and
[17:48] Speaker 1: I mean bad in a good way. Like she had
[17:51] Speaker 1: a presence. You know, people were also a little bit
[17:53] Speaker 1: scared of her back then, which, by the way, obviously
[17:55] Speaker 1: I seem to have needed.
[17:57] Speaker 2: She adds.
[17:57] Speaker 1: Within like ten minutes, she adds me the girl who
[17:59] Speaker 1: slept me and her intal conversation, and she says, you
[18:01] Speaker 1: have twenty four hours to apologize to my friend. Bearing
[18:04] Speaker 1: in mind she didn't even know me or else. This
[18:08] Speaker 1: girl is apologizing to me. And funnily enough, I ended
[18:11] Speaker 1: up becoming friends with the girl who slapped me to
[18:12] Speaker 1: don't ask, But I ended up becoming best friends with
[18:16] Speaker 1: this girl then ended up sticking up for me in
[18:19] Speaker 1: a situation where I didn't feel like I could stick
[18:21] Speaker 1: up for myself. She is now still one of my
[18:23] Speaker 1: best friends. Whenever I feel anything or I need to
[18:26] Speaker 1: talk to someone about anything, she is that person. She's
[18:29] Speaker 1: non judgmental, she has backed me up throughout my whole life,
[18:33] Speaker 1: and we have got into some serious trouble together. But
[18:36] Speaker 1: we met because I got slapped in another space. I
[18:38] Speaker 1: actually ended up coming to stay in the UK for
[18:41] Speaker 1: like five months of my life during the pandemic, so
[18:44] Speaker 1: not long ago, and I was working on my cookbook
[18:47] Speaker 1: at the time, and so I ended up moving into
[18:49] Speaker 1: an apartment building and I thought I would only be
[18:52] Speaker 1: there for a short period of time. I wanted to
[18:53] Speaker 1: test recipes, and I did not want to mess up
[18:55] Speaker 1: my mom's kitchen every single day. So I decided to
[18:57] Speaker 1: work from that space, and I decided I did to
[19:00] Speaker 1: start these games nights with some of my friends in
[19:02] Speaker 1: the common area. I then ended up meeting random girls
[19:04] Speaker 1: in the gym, random people in the common areas, random
[19:07] Speaker 1: people in lifts, and I started inviting them to these
[19:09] Speaker 1: games nights. It ended up being like three of us
[19:12] Speaker 1: to ten of us to fifteen of us and going
[19:13] Speaker 1: on week after week after week. And it was when
[19:16] Speaker 1: people would introduce themselves or say, how do you know Raley,
[19:18] Speaker 1: they'd be like, well, we met her in the lift
[19:19] Speaker 1: or we met her in the gym. And so I
[19:22] Speaker 1: actually really enjoyed building community and helping other people find it.
[19:25] Speaker 2: And the amount of people within these different.
[19:29] Speaker 1: Areas that have told me they were really sad and
[19:31] Speaker 1: that they were trying to make friends and they didn't
[19:33] Speaker 1: know how to, or they actually found friendship within those
[19:37] Speaker 1: groups during the time that they really needed it. It
[19:39] Speaker 1: made me realize so many people are lonely and we
[19:41] Speaker 1: don't even know, we don't even realize it. That brings
[19:44] Speaker 1: me on to making the first move. Okay, put yourself
[19:47] Speaker 1: out there and do not wait for someone to give
[19:50] Speaker 1: you a friendship bracelet. If you're sitting there waiting at
[19:52] Speaker 1: home for somebody to come and be your best friend
[19:55] Speaker 1: without putting in any effort, without putting in the first step,
[19:58] Speaker 1: without planning, you've got a lot coming. You are looking
[20:01] Speaker 1: for someone to treat like a princess, and that's not
[20:02] Speaker 1: what friendship is about. So stop planning those dates. Once
[20:06] Speaker 1: you find someone that you like, start writing them to things.
[20:08] Speaker 1: I'm not all in person, okay, if I find someone
[20:11] Speaker 1: that I like like Recently, I found one of my
[20:13] Speaker 1: friend that I really enjoy spending time with. I've invited
[20:16] Speaker 1: her to everything, and we've done a little sleep over together.
[20:19] Speaker 2: I basically invite to every.
[20:20] Speaker 1: Single thing that I'm going to because I really enjoy
[20:22] Speaker 1: spending time with her and we don't have time to waste.
[20:25] Speaker 1: It also allows you to figure out really fast whether
[20:27] Speaker 1: you want to spend time with them or not. You know, like,
[20:30] Speaker 1: instead of longing out over months, going on like a
[20:32] Speaker 1: little dinner dates or spending a few hours here and there,
[20:36] Speaker 1: if you invest a solid amount of time, you know
[20:38] Speaker 1: straight away whether this is your girl or it's not.
[20:41] Speaker 1: And also, I find sometimes meeting in restaurants and stuff
[20:43] Speaker 1: is so especially with friends, it can be so difficult
[20:46] Speaker 1: to build a proper relationship. I always like spending time
[20:49] Speaker 1: with my friends at home, especially at the beginning, and honestly,
[20:51] Speaker 1: even I'm just a bit of a housebody, you end
[20:53] Speaker 1: up being in an environment that feels relaxed and you
[20:56] Speaker 1: can be in your chill clothes and hang out and
[20:58] Speaker 1: it just facilitates like good conversation. And so don't wait
[21:01] Speaker 1: for someone to put in that first piece of effort.
[21:04] Speaker 2: You can do that.
[21:05] Speaker 1: And if you're nervous about it, set a time frame,
[21:07] Speaker 1: do something which has a time limit. Go for a workout,
[21:09] Speaker 1: go for a coffee, go for a little walk. You
[21:12] Speaker 1: don't have to spend like a full day with someone.
[21:14] Speaker 1: And let's think of worst case scenario. Okay, the worst
[21:16] Speaker 1: thing that could happen is they don't respond. Okay, cool,
[21:19] Speaker 1: You move your energy onto the next person, or you
[21:21] Speaker 1: actually don't end up liking them, or they don't end
[21:23] Speaker 1: up liking you.
[21:24] Speaker 2: Cool.
[21:24] Speaker 1: At least you tried and you've learned some skills in
[21:26] Speaker 1: how to communicate with someone. Or they do something that
[21:30] Speaker 1: you don't like, Okay, fabulous, That is a great lesson
[21:32] Speaker 1: learned for the next time, or this is my favorite one.
[21:36] Speaker 1: I always think this, and I'm like, oh my god,
[21:37] Speaker 1: what if they think I'm too keen or if they think.
[21:39] Speaker 2: I'm too much?
[21:41] Speaker 1: And then I realize, if I have a good intention
[21:44] Speaker 1: and I'm actually trying to be kind, I'm actually trying
[21:46] Speaker 1: to be a friend, and I am too much for
[21:47] Speaker 1: that person. They do not deserve that kindness or that energy.
[21:52] Speaker 2: So I just have to keep it moving.
[21:53] Speaker 1: And this whole waiting for someone to message you listen,
[21:56] Speaker 1: you already have to do that in dating or in
[21:59] Speaker 1: a relationship. Friendships are meant to be way less pressure
[22:01] Speaker 1: and way less effort, So let's not complicate friendships in
[22:04] Speaker 1: that way if you're struggling to actually find friends. Some
[22:08] Speaker 1: of the people that I know have actually found some
[22:10] Speaker 1: of their best friends on bumblebff, and I've actually never
[22:13] Speaker 1: used it. I've actually been in luckily been in situations
[22:16] Speaker 1: where I've met people quite a lot, especially with the
[22:18] Speaker 1: work that I do. But I recommend it because I've
[22:22] Speaker 1: seen some of them with those friends, and they seem
[22:24] Speaker 1: like they're having the time of their life and they've
[22:25] Speaker 1: found people based on hobbies and activities that they like doing.
[22:28] Speaker 1: And so that's another space. If you don't want to
[22:30] Speaker 1: use an app, think about the activities you like doing,
[22:32] Speaker 1: whether it's a sport club like a pickleball club or
[22:36] Speaker 1: a tennis club, or you like pottery and you go
[22:38] Speaker 1: to a pottery class and you meet people there. I
[22:41] Speaker 1: think we're not used to getting out there anymore. Everything
[22:43] Speaker 1: is so online.
[22:44] Speaker 2: But you can go out.
[22:45] Speaker 1: There and meet people and get used to making conversation
[22:47] Speaker 1: with people when you normally wouldn't. It was actually really sweet.
[22:50] Speaker 1: I went to this event last week. It was actually
[22:54] Speaker 1: a Beigan Fashion Week event and I go there and
[22:56] Speaker 1: I must have looked over and I smiled at this girl.
[22:58] Speaker 2: She looked beautiful and I just gave smile.
[23:00] Speaker 1: I then walked in her direction and she said, I
[23:02] Speaker 1: just have to say that your smile like gave me
[23:06] Speaker 1: such good energy and I really appreciated it so much,
[23:09] Speaker 1: and I was like, your smile did the same for me.
[23:10] Speaker 1: We ended up having a conversation. She was from London,
[23:13] Speaker 1: she just moved here. I was like, let's hang out,
[23:16] Speaker 1: and it was just great. We ended up having a
[23:18] Speaker 1: great connection and probably going to meet up with her
[23:20] Speaker 1: next week. But you know, if you don't end up
[23:22] Speaker 1: opening your mouth and you don't end up having conversations,
[23:25] Speaker 1: how are people supposed to get to know you and
[23:26] Speaker 1: how are you supposed to have these positive interactions with people?
[23:30] Speaker 1: And so speak more, interact more in your day to
[23:33] Speaker 1: day life, and there's more of a chance of refinding friends.
[23:36] Speaker 1: Another thing I really enjoyed doing for people, and it's
[23:39] Speaker 1: also helped build friendships with people too, is I create
[23:43] Speaker 1: these community activities. So the games lights that I once
[23:46] Speaker 1: was doing in London, I've continued doing in the US
[23:49] Speaker 1: and so whatever. Usually every Friday night or something, I'll
[23:53] Speaker 1: invite people over. And it started out really small, and
[23:55] Speaker 1: now I have a list of forty people that I
[23:57] Speaker 1: invite to these and sometimes forty ten up sometimes fifteen
[23:59] Speaker 1: do But what I've loved watching is being a facilitator
[24:03] Speaker 1: for people to make friends. It's a really beautiful thing
[24:07] Speaker 1: to do for people. So if you are someone who
[24:09] Speaker 1: has a lot of friends, connect them. Don't be scared
[24:12] Speaker 1: of people becoming friends outside of your own circle with them.
[24:15] Speaker 1: That is selfish behavior.
[24:16] Speaker 2: People.
[24:17] Speaker 1: There is space for everybody to have multiple friends. What
[24:20] Speaker 1: I love is that all these people who are meeting
[24:22] Speaker 1: at these games Nights. They're from different parts of our lives,
[24:25] Speaker 1: and they all end up spending time together, going for
[24:28] Speaker 1: dinners together, and they all become friends themselves. And so
[24:31] Speaker 1: everyone's building their own little communities and figuring out the
[24:35] Speaker 1: different friends that they want and how they want to
[24:36] Speaker 1: spend time with them. I'd say my games nights and
[24:39] Speaker 1: bringing community together is probably one of my biggest achievements.
[24:42] Speaker 1: It's something I really enjoy doing. And I didn't realize
[24:44] Speaker 1: that until someone pointed out to me that I've continued
[24:47] Speaker 1: this cycle for a while now and I really like it.
[24:49] Speaker 1: I'm stepping into it. Another thing that I think is
[24:51] Speaker 1: really important when it comes to making friends is noticing
[24:54] Speaker 1: your negative traits. And so I have some friends who
[24:56] Speaker 1: I really appreciate. They told me when they were upset
[24:59] Speaker 1: with me about things that I was doing, and I
[25:01] Speaker 1: noticed it was a pattern, and so I decided to
[25:03] Speaker 1: change it.
[25:04] Speaker 2: The friend that I.
[25:04] Speaker 1: Went to about the girl in the beginning that I
[25:07] Speaker 1: was telling you about, she told me that, yes, sometimes
[25:10] Speaker 1: your communication is really bad, and I know you, so
[25:13] Speaker 1: it's easy for me to handle. But for people who
[25:15] Speaker 1: are new to you, they may take it in a
[25:17] Speaker 1: negative way and someone else mentioned to me. They're like, oh,
[25:19] Speaker 1: when you reply back with short answers, I always thought
[25:21] Speaker 1: that you were upset with me, but I realized you're not.
[25:24] Speaker 1: You're just a fast hyper And so for me, what
[25:27] Speaker 1: I've had to now communicate openly to my friends is listen,
[25:30] Speaker 1: I have to be on my phone a lot for
[25:32] Speaker 1: my work, So when we're messaging, I'm sending you short
[25:34] Speaker 1: messages back just to get make sure that I've responded
[25:37] Speaker 1: to you. And sometimes I might even forget, but if
[25:39] Speaker 1: you called me, or if you've voiced O me, I
[25:41] Speaker 1: will hit you.
[25:42] Speaker 2: Back for sure.
[25:43] Speaker 1: And I've really worked on that, and my friends have
[25:45] Speaker 1: noticed that I've been working on it. They're like, wow,
[25:47] Speaker 1: I noticed that you've responded back faster than I do now.
[25:50] Speaker 1: So if people mean something to you and you want
[25:51] Speaker 1: to keep them in your life, notice what you are
[25:54] Speaker 1: doing wrong too. Another one of mine was being late.
[25:57] Speaker 1: I used to somehow I just was delusionally to mystic.
[26:00] Speaker 1: I would end up just thinking I could get somewhere
[26:02] Speaker 1: fast enough, and then I'd procrastinate and I'd lose track
[26:05] Speaker 1: of time, and I'd always end up late. So I'd
[26:07] Speaker 1: built a narrative and I didn't like it. People be like, oh, wow,
[26:09] Speaker 1: You're actually on time this time, and I didn't like that.
[26:12] Speaker 1: So I've really worked on it, and now people are
[26:14] Speaker 1: like shocked that I'm always on time. And guess what,
[26:17] Speaker 1: I've got rid of that narrative that once was. Some
[26:20] Speaker 1: people are still holding onto it with dear life, and
[26:22] Speaker 1: I'm like, get over it, because I've proved myself now.
[26:25] Speaker 1: I think it's really important to reflect on what we
[26:27] Speaker 1: can do better in friendships. One thing I've really learned
[26:30] Speaker 1: to do because my mind is so scattered and I
[26:32] Speaker 1: have what Jay do this and he is so brilliant
[26:34] Speaker 1: at being a friend.
[26:35] Speaker 2: He really is. He's so good.
[26:36] Speaker 1: He's so good at messaging people on no matter how
[26:38] Speaker 1: busy he is, reminding himself to like check in on people,
[26:42] Speaker 1: call people, text people. So, because I'm not good at
[26:45] Speaker 1: that keeping it in my mind, what I've done is
[26:46] Speaker 1: kept a note in my phone of all the people
[26:49] Speaker 1: I want to check I want to reach out to
[26:50] Speaker 1: on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, say hey,
[26:52] Speaker 1: how are you thinking about you? And I don't leave
[26:54] Speaker 1: it very open ended because sometimes I don't have the
[26:57] Speaker 1: capacity to then keep going back and forth and I
[26:59] Speaker 1: don't want them to feel like I've just ghosted them,
[27:01] Speaker 1: so I'll just be like, hey, checking in and you
[27:04] Speaker 1: hope you're well. I'm here if you need anything. I
[27:06] Speaker 1: think that's really nice, just you know, consistency and effort
[27:09] Speaker 1: people always appreciate. And another part of friendship is being
[27:12] Speaker 1: an active listener. We're so used to telling people things
[27:15] Speaker 1: about ourselves to be closer, but actually being an active
[27:17] Speaker 1: listener such an important part. It's something I'm really working
[27:20] Speaker 1: on at the moment, is just sitting and listening and
[27:24] Speaker 1: absorbing and taking in and actively making them aware that
[27:28] Speaker 1: I am here and I'm listening, I'm making eye contact
[27:30] Speaker 1: with you, I'm fully present with you here. It's something
[27:32] Speaker 1: that I struggle with, but it's the new thing that
[27:34] Speaker 1: I'm working on when it comes to friendship and building
[27:36] Speaker 1: deeper connections and also being vulnerable and sharing how you
[27:40] Speaker 1: actually feel, you know, instead of when someone says, hey,
[27:42] Speaker 1: how are you, instead of saying I'm good, think of
[27:44] Speaker 1: other vocabulary you can use. Explain how you really are,
[27:47] Speaker 1: Share something exciting that's happening in your life, build conversation,
[27:50] Speaker 1: because if you just say I'm good, how are you?
[27:52] Speaker 1: It cuts off the conversation creates space and opportunities for
[27:56] Speaker 1: the conversation to go in different directions so they feel
[27:58] Speaker 1: like they're getting to know you more and you can
[28:00] Speaker 1: ask them questions to help you get to know them more.
[28:03] Speaker 1: I truly, deeply, I really mean this with sincerity. I
[28:06] Speaker 1: hope that this helps you to build friendships, deep, meaningful
[28:09] Speaker 1: ones that actually fulfill you and create more joy in
[28:12] Speaker 1: your life, because that's what community is about, support, care
[28:16] Speaker 1: and creating more joy. And it's definitely done that for me,
[28:19] Speaker 1: and I hope, hope and pray that it does that
[28:21] Speaker 1: for you too. I read this one quote and I'll
[28:24] Speaker 1: leave you with this. It said friendship is born at
[28:26] Speaker 1: the moment when one person says to another what you too.
[28:30] Speaker 1: I thought I was the only one that was by C. S. Lewis,
[28:33] Speaker 1: and I thought it really depicts what friendship is. It's like,
[28:36] Speaker 1: I just want to be understood, and I just want
[28:38] Speaker 1: to feel like there's somebody else in the world that
[28:40] Speaker 1: feels the same and understands me, or a community that
[28:43] Speaker 1: really understands me. And I thought it was such a
[28:45] Speaker 1: beautiful way to describe what friendship actually is. So hope
[28:48] Speaker 1: you guys have such a wonderful week. Let me know,
[28:51] Speaker 1: send me in some of your rejection friends stories and
[28:54] Speaker 1: also your success friendship stories. I would love to hear
[28:57] Speaker 1: them and sending your so much love. Have a wonderful,
[29:00] Speaker 1: wonderful day.

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