# Are You a Prisoner of your Pain and Past? 4 Steps to Forgiveness and the Power to Letting Go

An episode of [A Really Good Cry](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1708895338), 10 Dec 2024, 22 min.

Audio: https://podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/e73c998e-6e60-432f-8610-ae210140c5b1/df24579c-d34d-442a-8481-b06501282e4d/1c953263-ca58-4ee6-bcb2-b2420046f239/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=10ca5a50-409d-41dc-a52d-b06501421bfc

Why is it so hard to forgive and let go? I’ve been there–caught up in replaying moments where other people hurt me, and waiting for apologies that never come. And honestly? It’s exhausting. In this episode, I’m sharing my own struggles with forgiveness and the surprising things I’ve learned about how much holding onto pain can weigh us down. We’ll talk about what forgiveness really is (hint: it’s not about them), how our emotions affect us physically, and some simple practices that can help us let go and feel lighter. If you’re ready to stop letting the past take up so much space and make room for peace and joy, this one’s for you What Was Discussed: 00:00 Intro 01:08 Do we really need an apology to heal? 04:05 Getting hurt is just part of life 04:54 The impact of pent-up emotions on your body 05:36 Just let it go 06:29 Forgiveness isn’t about them, it’s about you 08:09 Forgiveness is strength, not weakness 10:22 How journaling helps you heal 12:33 Putting forgiveness in God’s hands 15:53 The 4 steps to forgiveness 17:43 Becoming forgivingly fit 21:11 Imagine forgiveness in your mind Follow Radhi: • https://www.instagram.com/radhidevlukia/ • https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxWe9A4kMf9V_AHOXkGhCzQ • https://www.facebook.com/radhidevlukia1/ • https://www.tiktok.com/@radhidevlukia See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:00] Speaker 1: Not forgiving someone is like drenching yourself in fuel, lighting
[0:04] Speaker 1: a match and hoping that they catch on fire. So
[0:08] Speaker 1: when you don't forgive, it's really just hurting you. I'm
[0:14] Speaker 1: Raley Wukiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
[0:17] Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
[0:20] Speaker 1: for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you
[0:25] Speaker 1: to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together.
[0:29] Speaker 1: You know what, this last weekend, I was feeling really annoyed,
[0:33] Speaker 1: and all these people and all these things that had
[0:35] Speaker 1: irritated me were repeating in my mind. And honestly, I
[0:38] Speaker 1: generally am someone who forgets and forgives and moves on
[0:42] Speaker 1: pretty fast.
[0:43] Speaker 2: I don't hold grudges.
[0:45] Speaker 1: Once I've felt something, I'll usually try and process it.
[0:48] Speaker 2: And move on.
[0:49] Speaker 1: And a lot of the times people will say, oh,
[0:52] Speaker 1: don't remember when this person did this, And I can
[0:54] Speaker 1: honestly say, I just don't. Like I have very vague
[0:57] Speaker 1: memories of things that have hurt me or things that
[1:02] Speaker 1: people do. I don't hold count in my mind of
[1:04] Speaker 1: what people have done that have hurt me because I
[1:06] Speaker 1: just don't want to live like that. But the thing
[1:09] Speaker 1: is recently, I've noticed certain things and people and every
[1:13] Speaker 1: time I'm around them, I find myself irritated, and sometimes
[1:18] Speaker 1: even hearing their name creates this sour feeling inside of me.
[1:21] Speaker 1: And so this last weekend, I was sitting and I
[1:24] Speaker 1: was really just trying to work through it, like why
[1:27] Speaker 1: do these people annoy me so much that I just
[1:30] Speaker 1: can't let go and that they keep being repeated in
[1:33] Speaker 1: my mind and in my thoughts over and over again
[1:36] Speaker 1: at the most random times. And I realized that a
[1:39] Speaker 1: big part of it was because I felt like I
[1:41] Speaker 1: deserved an apology. I felt like I was owed an
[1:44] Speaker 1: apology from them, like that chapter just hadn't been closed
[1:48] Speaker 1: or I needed their behavior to be explained to me.
[1:51] Speaker 1: But what I also realized was that I didn't want
[1:53] Speaker 1: to feel those things inside of me. I didn't want
[1:56] Speaker 1: to be angry. I didn't want to have these negative
[1:58] Speaker 1: thoughts about them. I don't want to deep down not
[2:01] Speaker 1: wish someone well, because let's be honest, sometimes when someone
[2:05] Speaker 1: you don't like or someone that has hurt you, when
[2:08] Speaker 1: their happiness or successes in life come about, it can
[2:12] Speaker 1: really annoy you too, like why do they deserve that?
[2:15] Speaker 1: Why do they even get that, and I want to
[2:16] Speaker 1: feel happy for people, no matter who they are. I
[2:19] Speaker 1: don't want to feel that negative emotions and those negative
[2:22] Speaker 1: patterns in my mind, because the fact is me thinking
[2:26] Speaker 1: those thoughts about them only creates toxicity inside of me,
[2:30] Speaker 1: and those small toxic thoughts become toxic actions and toxic behaviors,
[2:35] Speaker 1: and then they breed and breed, and before you know it,
[2:38] Speaker 1: it's not just a toxic thought, it's a toxic you.
[2:41] Speaker 1: One thing I came to the conclusion of over the
[2:43] Speaker 1: weekend was that we often end up thinking that we
[2:46] Speaker 1: need to tell the person that hurt us that they've
[2:49] Speaker 1: hurt us. We want to explain the pain, have them
[2:52] Speaker 1: really understand it, have them feel it too, tell them
[2:55] Speaker 1: you hurt me and this is why, and it hurt
[2:58] Speaker 1: me in this way, and you should be ashamed of
[3:01] Speaker 1: yourself or you should be really sorry. But the reality is,
[3:05] Speaker 1: no matter how many apologies well receive or how much
[3:08] Speaker 1: we tell someone they've hurt us, it does not repair,
[3:11] Speaker 1: heal or comfort us unless we choose to let go
[3:15] Speaker 1: of it too. You could receive the best, most perfect
[3:18] Speaker 1: apology that you could ever want on paper, but does
[3:21] Speaker 1: that heal the pain for you. I can think about
[3:23] Speaker 1: past times, whether that's happened and someone said sorry in
[3:27] Speaker 1: a genuine way, they really meant it. I could feel
[3:30] Speaker 1: they meant it, and yes, it made me feel better
[3:32] Speaker 1: about them as a person. I was like, Okay, great,
[3:35] Speaker 1: they're not a terrible person. It changed the perspective of
[3:38] Speaker 1: them in my mind. But did it change how I
[3:41] Speaker 1: was feeling? Did it take away the pain? I don't
[3:43] Speaker 1: think it did. And in my case, I realized that
[3:46] Speaker 1: it was me that I had to work through it,
[3:47] Speaker 1: and telling the person actually had no or very little
[3:50] Speaker 1: impact on how much better I would feel. Many times,
[3:53] Speaker 1: for me, it's just getting out. It's me understanding my feelings,
[3:58] Speaker 1: not them that makes me feel better. And it's inevitable
[4:01] Speaker 1: that someone along our life is going to hurt us.
[4:03] Speaker 1: I'm sure you've been hurt in your life many many times.
[4:07] Speaker 1: It's just part of life. Whether it's big things, small things,
[4:10] Speaker 1: whether it's someone cutting you up in when you're driving,
[4:14] Speaker 1: whether it's a family member saying something that they didn't mean,
[4:17] Speaker 1: whether it's your partner agitating you or saying something rude
[4:22] Speaker 1: to you, whether it's your mom misunderstanding you. You know,
[4:26] Speaker 1: there's so many scenarios where we can get upset and
[4:29] Speaker 1: hurt and it all comes through our own filters. Right,
[4:32] Speaker 1: It's like one thing that would upset me may not
[4:34] Speaker 1: upset you. I think that might upset you, may not
[4:36] Speaker 1: upset me. Upset is just going to happen. I think
[4:39] Speaker 1: it's part and part of just like happiness happens, sadness happens,
[4:42] Speaker 1: anger happens. We get all of these feelings and all
[4:45] Speaker 1: of these emotions, but these emotions are not supposed to
[4:47] Speaker 1: store inside of us. And I remember learning this in
[4:50] Speaker 1: a Vada and it just like hit me like a rug.
[4:54] Speaker 1: And I remember it saying how so many of our
[4:57] Speaker 1: health conditions and our the disease in our bodies all
[5:01] Speaker 1: start or are sparked by emotions that are held and
[5:06] Speaker 1: pent up and stagnant in our body. And so from
[5:10] Speaker 1: when I heard that, I was like, I am not
[5:11] Speaker 1: holding emotions. So I became very really aware of when
[5:15] Speaker 1: I was getting repeated thoughts about people that were negative,
[5:17] Speaker 1: when I was feeling negative emotions when I met someone,
[5:20] Speaker 1: whether it was about them or whether it was just
[5:23] Speaker 1: my insecurities creating them, my jealousy, my perception of myself
[5:28] Speaker 1: tainting the way that I saw somebody else. But if
[5:31] Speaker 1: you're waiting for your emotions or your pain to be
[5:33] Speaker 1: healed by the words or actions of somebody else or
[5:37] Speaker 1: how someone else handles that situation, it actually makes you
[5:41] Speaker 1: less in control of your joy or your happiness. So
[5:44] Speaker 1: the first realization I came to this weekend was that
[5:49] Speaker 1: telling the person that hurt you that they hurt you
[5:52] Speaker 1: won't actually help heal you. And until you process it
[5:55] Speaker 1: and allow it to leave your system, the pain will
[5:58] Speaker 1: not leave you. And carrying that and resentment around with
[6:01] Speaker 1: you actually stops you from moving on. If it's still
[6:04] Speaker 1: with you, then they're with you too. So seriously, let
[6:08] Speaker 1: it go. Let go of it, whether it's small or big,
[6:11] Speaker 1: because it is taking up space where love could be
[6:14] Speaker 1: in you. It is taking your time that they probably
[6:17] Speaker 1: don't deserve, and it's giving energy to something that is
[6:20] Speaker 1: not serving you to feel better or to be better.
[6:23] Speaker 1: The second realization I came to was we think that
[6:26] Speaker 1: forgiveness is something you're doing for the other person. It's
[6:29] Speaker 1: something you do as a kind, loving gesture to someone else.
[6:32] Speaker 1: I forgive you, But really forgiveness is a gift that
[6:36] Speaker 1: you give them and you I forgive you means I
[6:39] Speaker 1: let go of the wrong you've done, and I no
[6:41] Speaker 1: longer carry it with me. The anger, the resentment I
[6:44] Speaker 1: felt for you leave my mind and my heart and
[6:47] Speaker 1: my body, and I no longer hold you responsible for
[6:51] Speaker 1: the pain that I feel. I mean, isn't that amazing?
[6:54] Speaker 1: Is that definition of I forgive you not so much
[6:58] Speaker 1: deeper than the superficial meaning, where yeah, I may tell
[7:02] Speaker 1: you I've forgiven you, but I still hold it in
[7:04] Speaker 1: my heart and the next time you do something like that,
[7:07] Speaker 1: and the next time I get triggered, I'll bring it
[7:09] Speaker 1: all back up. That doesn't benefit you or the other person.
[7:12] Speaker 1: I heard this one quote and it really sums it
[7:15] Speaker 1: up so perfectly. Not forgiving someone is like drenching yourself
[7:20] Speaker 1: in fuel, lighting a match and hoping that they catch
[7:24] Speaker 1: on fire. So when you don't forgive, it's really just
[7:28] Speaker 1: hurting you. It may hurt the other person if they
[7:31] Speaker 1: love you, of course it will. It will tear them
[7:33] Speaker 1: apart that you aren't able to forgive them for something
[7:36] Speaker 1: that they've done. But on top of that, it also
[7:39] Speaker 1: damages you to And you know what, there will be
[7:41] Speaker 1: times where someone is truly sorry and times where someone
[7:44] Speaker 1: is not there'll be times someone will apologize and other
[7:47] Speaker 1: times where they just won't. But the more you release
[7:50] Speaker 1: the desire for someone else to heal the pain that
[7:53] Speaker 1: they've caused and realize that you most definitely have it
[7:57] Speaker 1: in you to help and heal yourself, the more empowering
[8:01] Speaker 1: those moments will be.
[8:03] Speaker 2: And usually when.
[8:04] Speaker 1: I think about why I would hold on to pain,
[8:06] Speaker 1: sometimes it would be because I felt like, if I
[8:09] Speaker 1: let go of the pain, it means what they did
[8:12] Speaker 1: was okay. And I think a lot of us probably
[8:15] Speaker 1: do that. If I let go of the pain, it
[8:17] Speaker 1: erases what they did. It takes away from them feeling
[8:21] Speaker 1: sorry about it. It lessens the impact that it will
[8:25] Speaker 1: have on the other person. We have to remember that's
[8:28] Speaker 1: not true. Forgiving someone does not make what they did okay.
[8:31] Speaker 1: It doesn't justify their behavior. It doesn't give them the
[8:34] Speaker 1: opportunity to hurt you again unless you let them. Forgiveness
[8:38] Speaker 1: doesn't make you weak, and holding onto the pain does
[8:41] Speaker 1: not make you stronger. I'm gonna say that one more
[8:43] Speaker 1: time because it is so true. Forgiveness does not make
[8:46] Speaker 1: you weak, and holding onto pain does not make you stronger.
[8:50] Speaker 2: Actually, it's literally the opposite.
[8:52] Speaker 1: Holding onto pain doesn't just make you mentally weak and fatigued,
[8:56] Speaker 1: but pain, anger, and resentment, like I said, are stored
[8:59] Speaker 1: in the body and it caused physical illness and weakness.
[9:02] Speaker 1: So actually does the complete opposite. When you withhold forgiveness,
[9:06] Speaker 1: you are just choosing to hold on to resentment, bitterness,
[9:09] Speaker 1: and pain inside of you. And so it comes down
[9:12] Speaker 1: to what are you feeding. Are you feeding the part
[9:15] Speaker 1: of you that wants to heal, grow, be better, or
[9:18] Speaker 1: are you feeding and nurturing the pain that eventually gets
[9:21] Speaker 1: bigger and bigger and bigger, Because that's what happens. Where
[9:25] Speaker 1: your energy flows is what grows. And so what do
[9:28] Speaker 1: you want to grow inside of you?
[9:29] Speaker 2: Do you want to.
[9:30] Speaker 1: Grow growth and hope and joy or are you choosing
[9:35] Speaker 1: to hold on to the pain and in turn grow
[9:38] Speaker 1: that pain, resentment, and anger. Sometimes I think we have
[9:42] Speaker 1: this imagination of forgiving, meaning that the pain goes away.
[9:46] Speaker 1: I have forgiven someone when I stop feeling pain, But
[9:49] Speaker 1: sometimes that doesn't happen. Forgiveness doesn't mean you're still not upset.
[9:53] Speaker 1: It just means that you are ready to move forward.
[9:55] Speaker 1: It's not like you suddenly get amnesia of all the
[9:57] Speaker 1: events or the person that hurt you. You simply make
[10:00] Speaker 1: this conscious choice that I will not let this be
[10:03] Speaker 1: a weight that I carry around with me. You just
[10:05] Speaker 1: decide that you're no longer a prisoner of your past
[10:08] Speaker 1: or a prisoner of your pain. So, going back to
[10:10] Speaker 1: the people in my life that hurt me and that
[10:13] Speaker 1: was really annoyed at over the weekend, I decided that
[10:16] Speaker 1: telling them was actually just going to cause more harm
[10:18] Speaker 1: than good and not actually solve the situation. So instead,
[10:21] Speaker 1: I decided to get out all the mean, ugly, horrible
[10:25] Speaker 1: things that I couldn't even believe were inside of me,
[10:28] Speaker 1: but they were, and I just got them out, whether
[10:30] Speaker 1: they were reasonable, unreasonable, whether they were valid, invalid, whatever,
[10:34] Speaker 1: those thoughts I was feeling about those people, I started
[10:37] Speaker 1: to pour onto paper, and it helps make sense of
[10:40] Speaker 1: it. It almost creates this map of where it originated from,
[10:44] Speaker 1: why I feel like this now, the things that triggered me.
[10:48] Speaker 1: It really helps you not just understand what happened, but
[10:51] Speaker 1: understand yourself so much better too, and how you cope
[10:54] Speaker 1: and deal with these situations. Ask yourself questions like why
[10:58] Speaker 1: did it really hurt me? What is it about this
[11:00] Speaker 1: person that triggers me so much? What is it about
[11:03] Speaker 1: that situation that triggered me? What am I waiting for
[11:06] Speaker 1: to move on from this? What do I need? A
[11:09] Speaker 1: little self assessment and reflection is always so useful in
[11:12] Speaker 1: these situations, and sometimes one of my favorite things to
[11:15] Speaker 1: do it is write it up and tear it up
[11:17] Speaker 1: into tiny, tiny little pieces where nobody could ever read it.
[11:20] Speaker 1: But also there's this like cleansing process, burning it, cutting
[11:26] Speaker 1: it up, tearing it up, throwing pain all over it,
[11:30] Speaker 1: whatever you want to do. But there's something about getting
[11:34] Speaker 1: it out onto something and then disposing of it like
[11:37] Speaker 1: it never existed. I really think sometimes when there's stagnancy
[11:41] Speaker 1: in the mind or the body, you know, that's really
[11:44] Speaker 1: what a lot of these emotions end up being.
[11:46] Speaker 2: They end up being stagnant in us.
[11:48] Speaker 1: What happens with stagnant things Like in ar Veada it
[11:50] Speaker 1: says that toxins and discomfort in your stomach and gas
[11:54] Speaker 1: and bloating all comes from food that is too stagnant
[11:57] Speaker 1: in your gut for too long. It starts to ferment,
[12:00] Speaker 1: starts to produce all these gases, and it starts to
[12:02] Speaker 1: produce toxins, and so in the same way, our thoughts
[12:05] Speaker 1: do that when our thoughts are too stagnant. Sometimes we
[12:09] Speaker 1: just need to create movement, and so writing and processing
[12:12] Speaker 1: is the movement that's required to remove the stagnancy of thoughts.
[12:17] Speaker 1: And you know, when all else fails, the one thing
[12:19] Speaker 1: I go back to is praying. I pray every single
[12:23] Speaker 1: day to forgive and to be forgiven, because law knows
[12:28] Speaker 1: I've done my share of hurting people, I'm sure, sometimes knowingly,
[12:31] Speaker 1: sometimes unknowingly, but at the times I find it hard
[12:34] Speaker 1: to forgive others I feel. Praying feels hopeful, it feels
[12:38] Speaker 1: like you're putting it into God's hands, and sometimes that's
[12:40] Speaker 1: all you can do, especially when you feel like you're
[12:43] Speaker 1: out of control, especially if you feel like that person
[12:46] Speaker 1: is not responding in the way that you want them to.
[12:48] Speaker 1: And you know, I've spoken to people who felt anger
[12:50] Speaker 1: towards people who have even passed away. How do you
[12:53] Speaker 1: get rid of that? You can't communicate with them. The
[12:55] Speaker 1: only way you can is through your own words and thoughts.
[12:58] Speaker 1: But there's no reciprocation. And it's almost like when you
[13:01] Speaker 1: can when you go to your mom crying and they
[13:05] Speaker 1: give you a hug and you tell them all your problems,
[13:08] Speaker 1: and you know that feeling of Okay, they've got the
[13:10] Speaker 1: weight of that on them too. They're going to take
[13:11] Speaker 1: it from me in the same way. If we can
[13:14] Speaker 1: learn how to surrender to God in that way, to
[13:17] Speaker 1: the universe, and that way to nature, in that way
[13:19] Speaker 1: with any kind of name you want to call God,
[13:22] Speaker 1: it's all the same, really, But whoever you want to
[13:25] Speaker 1: pass it off to God, universe, nature, there is something
[13:30] Speaker 1: really special of saying it's in your hands now. I
[13:33] Speaker 1: can't do anything, and me trying to control the situation
[13:37] Speaker 1: is not making it better.
[13:40] Speaker 2: So I have to just surrender it to you. Just
[13:42] Speaker 2: give it to you.
[13:43] Speaker 1: You handle it, because at this point, nothing I do
[13:46] Speaker 1: is making it better. And so I don't just give
[13:49] Speaker 1: you my forgiveness. I am putting my anger in your hands.
[13:55] Speaker 1: I'm putting all my emotions in your hands, and I'm
[13:57] Speaker 1: saying I just surrender it all.
[14:00] Speaker 2: I can't handle it anymore.
[14:01] Speaker 1: And this is all going to you, and whatever you
[14:03] Speaker 1: think is best for me to learn the lessons I
[14:05] Speaker 1: need to in life. You do with it what you want,
[14:07] Speaker 1: you do with it, what you think is best. Because
[14:09] Speaker 1: I only have a small perspective of what I think
[14:12] Speaker 1: is best for myself and honestly, that has really helped
[14:15] Speaker 1: me in many, many situations, just surrender, surrendering things that
[14:20] Speaker 1: no longer feel like they're benefiting me, but passing it
[14:23] Speaker 1: on to safe hands that you know will look after you.
[14:26] Speaker 1: I have a strong belief that what is meant to
[14:28] Speaker 1: be is meant to be, and trying to punish someone
[14:32] Speaker 1: and making someone feel bad for what they've done is
[14:34] Speaker 1: often not our job. It may feel like it's our job,
[14:37] Speaker 1: but it's really not. That is for good to handle.
[14:40] Speaker 1: And of course in extreme situations, by the way, where
[14:43] Speaker 1: someone has been harmed or gone through really awful, horrible things,
[14:47] Speaker 1: it's so much harder to apply this. And so I
[14:50] Speaker 1: guess I'm talking about the smaller situations, the ones that
[14:53] Speaker 1: don't feel so life or death or so threatening, because
[14:58] Speaker 1: we go through this on a daily basis with I
[15:00] Speaker 1: feel like these ebbs and flows of emotions come through
[15:03] Speaker 1: us regularly, and that's the point. They have to come
[15:05] Speaker 1: through us, not sit in us. So try and look
[15:07] Speaker 1: for the blessings in the lessons, or remind yourself that
[15:10] Speaker 1: things don't happen just because maybe this was the pain
[15:13] Speaker 1: that was meant to come to me to show me
[15:15] Speaker 1: something about myself or to actually protect me in the future,
[15:18] Speaker 1: and so do me and you both a favor. And
[15:21] Speaker 1: this season of shedding and letting go, just like the
[15:23] Speaker 1: trees are outside, let go and shed the painful emotions
[15:27] Speaker 1: that you are holding onto to create room for all
[15:30] Speaker 1: the goodness that is waiting to enter if you so
[15:33] Speaker 1: let it. Forgiveness is different from condoning or forgetting or reconciliation.
[15:38] Speaker 1: I read this when I was reading up about forgiveness,
[15:40] Speaker 1: and it said condoning removes the offense, forgetting removes the awareness,
[15:45] Speaker 1: and reconciliation restores a relationship. And you can really decide
[15:49] Speaker 1: what step you want to take. Do you want to forgive,
[15:52] Speaker 1: do you want to forget, or do you want to
[15:55] Speaker 1: reconcile with the person and make efforts of that. I
[15:58] Speaker 1: think it really depends on your situation. There's a psychologist
[16:01] Speaker 1: called Robert Enwright, and he says there's four steps to forgiveness.
[16:05] Speaker 1: The first step is to uncover your anger by exploring
[16:08] Speaker 1: how you've avoided or addressed the emotion. The second is
[16:11] Speaker 1: to make the decision to forgive. You have to make
[16:13] Speaker 1: a conscious decision to forgive. First, you have to acknowledge
[16:18] Speaker 1: that ignoring or coping with the offense hasn't worked, and
[16:21] Speaker 1: that forgiveness might provide a path forward. So recognizing that
[16:25] Speaker 1: forgiveness is something you need to do. The third is
[16:28] Speaker 1: to cultivate forgiveness by developing compassion for the person. And
[16:32] Speaker 1: what I realized is in these situations, you basically have
[16:35] Speaker 1: to do what makes you forgive the person. It doesn't
[16:38] Speaker 1: mean it's true, it doesn't mean you're justifying their behavior.
[16:40] Speaker 1: I just want to really clarify that because there's many
[16:42] Speaker 1: times when someone hurts me and I'm like, okay, I
[16:44] Speaker 1: can understand where that came from because all the way
[16:47] Speaker 1: back to oh, okay, this is how their parents were
[16:50] Speaker 1: as they grew up, and they grew up as an
[16:52] Speaker 1: only child, and then they had this happen, and this happened,
[16:55] Speaker 1: this happened, so maybe that explains why their behavior is
[16:58] Speaker 1: like this. So an explain can actually help in your mind.
[17:01] Speaker 1: It does not justify. It just helps you to come
[17:04] Speaker 1: to terms with why that happened to you. So there's
[17:06] Speaker 1: a big difference between that. And lastly, he says, release
[17:09] Speaker 1: the harmful emotions and reflect on how you may have
[17:12] Speaker 1: grown from the experience and the act of forgiveness itself.
[17:15] Speaker 1: And so these four steps are similar to what I've
[17:18] Speaker 1: already mentioned before, but it's quite nice when there's like
[17:20] Speaker 1: a scientist or a psychologist that's kind of backed up.
[17:23] Speaker 1: There's this time called forgivingly fit, and I thought that
[17:26] Speaker 1: was really good because sometimes we think that forgiveness should
[17:28] Speaker 1: be something that just comes to us, that it's easy,
[17:31] Speaker 1: that it's a human emotion, and that it should just
[17:33] Speaker 1: be there. But sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's actually really
[17:36] Speaker 1: hard to forgive. I find there's people in my life
[17:37] Speaker 1: who find it very easy and other people in my
[17:40] Speaker 1: life who find it extremely hard. They hold onto every
[17:42] Speaker 1: single thing, everything stays in their mind. They will remember
[17:45] Speaker 1: every bad thing that someone's done to them, and so
[17:48] Speaker 1: for that it needs to be a practice. And so
[17:51] Speaker 1: forgivingly fit means just like you would do a workout
[17:54] Speaker 1: to make yourself stronger, So it's basically working your forgiving
[17:58] Speaker 1: muscles essentially.
[18:00] Speaker 2: So what would that mean?
[18:01] Speaker 1: That would mean just like you end up working out
[18:03] Speaker 1: every single day, how can I add forgiveness workouts into
[18:07] Speaker 1: my life every single day? So you could start by
[18:10] Speaker 1: making a commitment to yourself to not talk about the
[18:14] Speaker 1: people that I've hurt you. And that is such a
[18:17] Speaker 1: huge one for me because what I notice is even
[18:21] Speaker 1: with my friends, when they come and they meet me
[18:22] Speaker 1: and they start telling me this person did this or
[18:24] Speaker 1: this person did this, it makes the problem so much bigger.
[18:28] Speaker 1: And then I'd be like, oh, my gosh, I can't
[18:31] Speaker 1: believe she did that to you.
[18:32] Speaker 2: That is so horrible.
[18:33] Speaker 1: That is terrible. You know, as naturally as a friend
[18:35] Speaker 1: would be, you'd be supportive. And the way that you
[18:37] Speaker 1: sometimes support is by saying, yes, they did you wrong,
[18:41] Speaker 1: that was a wrong thing to do. But sometimes we
[18:43] Speaker 1: focus on the wrong that's done rather than Okay, but
[18:46] Speaker 1: how can I help you heal from this? And so
[18:48] Speaker 1: in the same way, for me, I actually take a
[18:50] Speaker 1: second before I talk about someone hurting me to anybody else.
[18:54] Speaker 1: My initial reaction is not to call someone anymore and
[18:57] Speaker 1: say this person hurt me, they did this, this, and this,
[18:59] Speaker 1: because one, if it's someone that's close to you, it
[19:01] Speaker 1: creates a bad image of that person to whoever you're
[19:04] Speaker 1: telling and they will not be able to unsee that.
[19:07] Speaker 1: And secondly, it fuels the problem, it fuels the emotion
[19:11] Speaker 1: you're feeling, and so try not to talk about that
[19:15] Speaker 1: person and going even further than that. It's easy to
[19:18] Speaker 1: talk about people that you don't like, and it's actually
[19:21] Speaker 1: a dangerous thing to do because you justify in your
[19:23] Speaker 1: mind because you're like, oh, they've done wrong to me,
[19:25] Speaker 1: and so now talking about them is okay. But gossip
[19:28] Speaker 1: is gossip, and so if you are negatively talking about somebody,
[19:31] Speaker 1: you are creating negative emotions inside of you, and it's
[19:34] Speaker 1: making you a toxic person. And so it's different if
[19:37] Speaker 1: it's then in a strategic way where you're really trying
[19:39] Speaker 1: to work through it, But differentiate between trying to talk
[19:42] Speaker 1: through it or just trying to get somebody on your
[19:44] Speaker 1: side by telling someone how terrible that person is and
[19:47] Speaker 1: just trying to get someone to agree with you to
[19:49] Speaker 1: make yourself feel better. You don't have to say good
[19:51] Speaker 1: things about them. You don't have to agree when someone says,
[19:54] Speaker 1: oh my god, this person is so lovely.
[19:55] Speaker 2: You can just stay quiet.
[19:56] Speaker 1: If someone has hurt you, you do not have to
[19:58] Speaker 1: go around telling people that someone hurt you. It actually
[20:01] Speaker 1: adds so much more fuel to the fire and it
[20:04] Speaker 1: creates toxicity inside of you. It is the same thing
[20:07] Speaker 1: as gossip. So don't have to say good things, but
[20:10] Speaker 1: you can just refrain from saying bad things, and then
[20:13] Speaker 1: you'll be feeding your more forgiving side rather than you're
[20:16] Speaker 1: angry and upset side. And checking with yourself is your
[20:19] Speaker 1: pride taking over, because sometimes that can weaken your efforts
[20:23] Speaker 1: to forgive as well by making you feel entitled and inflated,
[20:26] Speaker 1: like I deserve this. This person did wrong to me,
[20:29] Speaker 1: so I'm going to wait until they come groveling back
[20:31] Speaker 1: to me ten times and saying sorry ten times, and
[20:35] Speaker 1: make up for it by doing this, this and this,
[20:37] Speaker 1: and so you end up being more righteous and sitting
[20:40] Speaker 1: in your ego rather than sitting in your heart. So
[20:42] Speaker 1: try and catch yourself when you're acting from that place,
[20:44] Speaker 1: and try and act from a place of heart and forgiveness.
[20:47] Speaker 1: There's also this other practice which I've done before when
[20:50] Speaker 1: I haven't felt like I can talk to the person
[20:52] Speaker 1: I know I said writing it down, But there's also
[20:55] Speaker 1: imagining sitting in front of that person and practicing saying
[21:00] Speaker 1: what you would to forgive them, What does it look like, like,
[21:04] Speaker 1: what is the whole situation? Play it out in your head,
[21:07] Speaker 1: because there's been lots of research that shows that when
[21:10] Speaker 1: our brain thinks about forgiving someone and goes through the
[21:14] Speaker 1: process of forgiving someone, your heart already softens, like you've
[21:18] Speaker 1: almost gone through the entire journey of forgiving someone just
[21:21] Speaker 1: by imagining it from start to finish, And so it
[21:24] Speaker 1: just increases your empathy and the likelihood of you feeling
[21:27] Speaker 1: much better about the situation. And just remember that forgiveness
[21:30] Speaker 1: is a process. It takes time and patience and determination.
[21:33] Speaker 1: It does not have to happen overnight. Someone's done something
[21:36] Speaker 1: bad to you, Let them suffer a little bit, okay,
[21:38] Speaker 1: keep them on their toes. You do not have to
[21:40] Speaker 1: forgive straight away. But for your own sake, I highly
[21:44] Speaker 1: recommend forgiving fast, because for your own heart health and
[21:49] Speaker 1: for your own emotional health, you will feel so much
[21:51] Speaker 1: better for it,

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