# The Girlfriends: Spotlight, E22: Carolyn Builds a Wisterhood

An episode of [The Girlfriends: Flight or Fight](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1695875823), 29 Jun 2026, 37 min.

Audio: https://podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/e73c998e-6e60-432f-8610-ae210140c5b1/c2c81cb2-988e-4194-8382-b02e011bf37a/62a7308f-65e4-4b77-82e3-b47001777d8d/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=289822ba-519c-4151-be1f-b02e011e1914

On Valentine's Day 2000, Carolyn Moor's life changed forever when a hit-and-run accident killed her husband Chad. She was left a widow in her 30s - and with two young daughters to raise alone. And she discovered that when you’re a young widow, there’s not very much support - especially not the sort of support you need to get through the long years of grief-stricken child rearing. So, Carolyn founded The Modern Widows Club - dedicated to enabling women of all ages and backgrounds to embrace life after widowhood. She calls it ‘a wisterhood’. Plus we hear from the nurse who witnessed Carolyn’s darkest moment, and used it to fight for positive change. The Girlfriends: Spotlight is produced by Novel for iHeartPodcasts. For more from Novel visit novel.audio See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:00] Speaker 1: Hey, girlfriends, before we get started, I wanted to be
[0:02] Speaker 1: real with you about what you're about to hear, so
[0:04] Speaker 1: you can decide if now's the right time to listen.
[0:07] Speaker 1: This episode talks about a fatal car accident and the
[0:11] Speaker 1: deep grief that's followed. It's a powerful story about loss,
[0:15] Speaker 1: but also about unexpected.
[0:16] Speaker 2: Connections and healing.
[0:23] Speaker 1: Carolyn and Chad were completely smitten with each other. They
[0:27] Speaker 1: fell hard in their twenties, the kind of love that
[0:30] Speaker 1: feels like it's written in the stars. They got married
[0:33] Speaker 1: at thirty, still crazy in love.
[0:37] Speaker 3: My relationship with Chair was life changing. It's probably the
[0:42] Speaker 3: easiest word to say, just off the top of my head.
[0:46] Speaker 3: We were both the same age, and I should always
[0:48] Speaker 3: say I was born and then God created by so late.
[0:53] Speaker 1: They built a beautiful life together. Carolyn was an interior designer,
[0:57] Speaker 1: Chad was an architect, and together they ran as successful
[1:00] Speaker 1: design studio, basically a dream team. They even designed and
[1:05] Speaker 1: built their own home, which is ultimate couple goals.
[1:09] Speaker 3: We were inseparable. We were both creatives. Everything we did,
[1:14] Speaker 3: from the way we dressed to the way we were
[1:18] Speaker 3: how we did sand scolding on the weekends and kept
[1:23] Speaker 3: our bathing suits in our car because after work we'd
[1:28] Speaker 3: just go watch the sunset and hang out of the beach.
[1:30] Speaker 3: It was less.
[1:36] Speaker 1: Eventually they had two lovely daughters, and Carolyn decided to
[1:40] Speaker 1: step back from the business to focus on being a
[1:42] Speaker 1: full time mum. Life was busy but beautiful, so when
[1:47] Speaker 1: Valentine's Day rolled around in the year two thousand, she
[1:51] Speaker 1: wanted to make it feel really special.
[1:53] Speaker 3: I had made a late reservation at an Italian restaurant.
[1:58] Speaker 3: I remember him and I just looked at each other
[2:01] Speaker 3: and going, how did we become so blast to anything
[2:05] Speaker 3: else beyond this is really just going to be so
[2:08] Speaker 3: Lujia Orchestra, And we could even have imagined. And I
[2:13] Speaker 3: had bought this beautiful peach cashmere outfit to wear.
[2:18] Speaker 1: That night, after a romantic dinner, they decided to take
[2:22] Speaker 1: the scenic route home in the convertible, a peaceful drive
[2:26] Speaker 1: by a beautiful lake in Orlando, Florida.
[2:29] Speaker 3: I remember taking my camera and turning it and taking
[2:33] Speaker 3: a picture of him because I wanted to just freeze time.
[2:38] Speaker 3: And all of a sudden, a car came up next
[2:42] Speaker 3: to us and came kind of close to our vehicle,
[2:47] Speaker 3: and since I was on the passenger side, it caught
[2:49] Speaker 3: my attention.
[2:50] Speaker 1: The car veered into their lane, and so Chad instinctively
[2:54] Speaker 1: turned to avoid the collision.
[2:56] Speaker 3: And with that over correction came barreling out of control.
[3:05] Speaker 2: In those split seconds, everything changed.
[3:08] Speaker 3: We were skidding and we hit the light pole, and
[3:12] Speaker 3: the light pole came down. Chad had forgotten to put
[3:16] Speaker 3: a seatbelt on, and he was ejected from the vehicle
[3:20] Speaker 3: and hit his head and he was thrown back down
[3:23] Speaker 3: into the car on top of me.
[3:27] Speaker 2: Carolyn jumped into action.
[3:29] Speaker 3: I became a first responder to do CPR on my
[3:35] Speaker 3: own husband on the back of our vehicle.
[3:41] Speaker 1: Chad was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. Carolyn wasn't
[3:45] Speaker 1: allowed to ride with him, but eventually the police officer
[3:48] Speaker 1: drove her to the emergency room.
[3:50] Speaker 3: What I didn't know is that evidently I was splattered
[3:54] Speaker 3: with an enormous amount of blood on my beautiful pach
[3:58] Speaker 3: cashmir clothing.
[4:00] Speaker 1: When Carolyn saw herself in the hospital bathroom mirror, she
[4:03] Speaker 1: was shocked.
[4:04] Speaker 3: I realized, this is Chad's blood. If I'm this bad,
[4:09] Speaker 3: how bad is he.
[4:13] Speaker 4: That?
[4:13] Speaker 1: Valentine's Night marked a turning point in Carolyn's life in
[4:18] Speaker 1: the wake of what happened at the hospital, she found
[4:20] Speaker 1: herself grappling with heartbreak and isolation. Yet from that pain
[4:26] Speaker 1: emerged a powerful drive to connect with others. Over time,
[4:33] Speaker 1: she channeled her grief into building a community of women
[4:36] Speaker 1: bound by similar experiences, one that would grow into a
[4:40] Speaker 1: transformative international sisterhood and lead to a surprise meeting twenty
[4:46] Speaker 1: five years later. I'm Anisonfield and from the teams at
[4:52] Speaker 1: Novel and iHeart Podcasts, this is the Girlfriend's Spotlight, where
[4:57] Speaker 1: we tell stories of women winning Today Carolyn builds a wisterhood.
[5:22] Speaker 1: Before her design career, Carolyn Moore had trained as a nurse,
[5:26] Speaker 1: so being in a trauma unit wasn't unfamiliar to her,
[5:30] Speaker 1: but being on the patient's side was completely new. Hours
[5:35] Speaker 1: passed before she was finally allowed to see her husband, Chad.
[5:39] Speaker 3: I remember they said, he's not going to look like
[5:42] Speaker 3: you're used to seeing him. He's going to have a
[5:44] Speaker 3: lot of machines, and he's bruised, his head, shaved, all
[5:50] Speaker 3: of these things, and so they were mentally preparing me.
[5:54] Speaker 3: But there's to be honest with you, no way you
[5:56] Speaker 3: can be prepared to see the person you love the
[5:59] Speaker 3: most in that fragile of a state. And I do
[6:05] Speaker 3: remember when the doctor came to talk to me, we
[6:08] Speaker 3: stepped outside and he said some very serious If we
[6:14] Speaker 3: don't really the pressure, he could die. He will probably
[6:18] Speaker 3: not be the same person ever again. That you know
[6:21] Speaker 3: of went down on a kind of a horrifying list.
[6:25] Speaker 3: But as an eternal optimist that I am, and knowing
[6:29] Speaker 3: the character of my husband, I thought, well, tell me
[6:33] Speaker 3: what the good news is, give me some glimmer of hope.
[6:38] Speaker 3: And the doctor said to me that he didn't kill
[6:42] Speaker 3: anyone else, And in that moment, I went, anyone else,
[6:48] Speaker 3: what do you what do you mean anyone else? Do
[6:53] Speaker 3: you mean you already see him as dead? This was
[6:58] Speaker 3: a hit and run car accident. I lost it. I
[7:02] Speaker 3: just lost it the lack of sensitivity and the compassion
[7:05] Speaker 3: in that statement to me, And I went into advocacy
[7:10] Speaker 3: mode right away, and I said, I don't like you.
[7:12] Speaker 3: I don't want you near my husband. You're fired, and
[7:16] Speaker 3: please do not ever talk to me again.
[7:20] Speaker 1: Jazz condition continued to worsen. Eventually, a nurse broke the news.
[7:26] Speaker 3: I saw that the cranial pressure was actually growing, and
[7:30] Speaker 3: there was the moment standing in the room, and she said,
[7:33] Speaker 3: his eyes are not dilating, he is not responding to pain.
[7:37] Speaker 3: And I clearly remember saying, are you trying to tell
[7:40] Speaker 3: me that Chad has died? And she said yes, And
[7:47] Speaker 3: that was the moment you just dropped down to the ground.
[7:51] Speaker 3: It becomes an extremely deep, promal cry, and I remember
[7:56] Speaker 3: that clearly. I remember how lone I felt, and how
[8:00] Speaker 3: this just seems impossible because of how big Chad was
[8:04] Speaker 3: in my life and to me personally, and my feelings
[8:08] Speaker 3: and thoughts towards him. How could death have taken him?
[8:14] Speaker 3: It just didn't seem possible.
[8:16] Speaker 1: Chad was declared dead on Valentine's Day, February fourteenth, two thousand.
[8:22] Speaker 3: I didn't really want it actually on Valentine's Day because
[8:26] Speaker 3: that was too heavy across for me to bear, because
[8:29] Speaker 3: of how madly and love we were, and it just
[8:32] Speaker 3: seemed cruel.
[8:34] Speaker 1: After leaving the hospital, Carolyn puts pen to paper.
[8:38] Speaker 3: I ended up writing a letter to the nurses for
[8:42] Speaker 3: the extraordinary care and compassion that they showed me, but
[8:47] Speaker 3: also wrote a letter to the administration about the doctor
[8:52] Speaker 3: and the way he treated me and how I felt
[8:55] Speaker 3: it was insensitive and unfair and cruel, and I asked
[9:00] Speaker 3: for them to fire him, and you send the letters
[9:04] Speaker 3: and you don't ever know what happens. But for me
[9:07] Speaker 3: that was some kind of closure to this just overwhelming
[9:13] Speaker 3: experience of emotions.
[9:16] Speaker 2: Carolyn wrote other letters too.
[9:18] Speaker 1: Chad and Carolyn had signed up to be organ doners,
[9:21] Speaker 1: and so she wrote to the man who had received
[9:23] Speaker 1: Chad's hot.
[9:25] Speaker 3: In this case, it was unique. It was a gentleman
[9:28] Speaker 3: receiving a heart on Valentine's Day. Even when I say it,
[9:33] Speaker 3: it's hard to believe. It's Mayan Chad's story. You could
[9:37] Speaker 3: send a letter anonymously, no guarantees that anyone would brought
[9:42] Speaker 3: you back. But we wrote back a lot of would gratitude,
[9:46] Speaker 3: a lot of sharing about the person, but not knowing
[9:49] Speaker 3: the name. And so after two years, they said, we
[9:53] Speaker 3: believe that there's a genuine connection between the two of you,
[9:58] Speaker 3: and there's no ALTI hear your motives or anything. So
[10:02] Speaker 3: we're going to let you to meet and we did.
[10:05] Speaker 3: We actually met in person, and I got to meet
[10:08] Speaker 3: his wife and his two kids and amazingly same age
[10:12] Speaker 3: as us, married, the same amount of time, children, the
[10:16] Speaker 3: same age.
[10:17] Speaker 2: Wow.
[10:18] Speaker 3: And it was extremely emotional meeting his wife because if
[10:23] Speaker 3: you think about going back in history. On that night,
[10:27] Speaker 3: here was a woman in West Virginia who thought she
[10:31] Speaker 3: was going to lose her husband. He was near death,
[10:35] Speaker 3: he needed a heart. And then here's my husband, having
[10:39] Speaker 3: no idea that it was going to be a faithful
[10:42] Speaker 3: evening for us, and I donate his heart and they
[10:45] Speaker 3: receive it. It's a remarkable story of resilience, of true generosity,
[10:56] Speaker 3: of understanding that this life may be over, but it
[11:01] Speaker 3: could be a renewed life for someone else. But me
[11:06] Speaker 3: and his wife, there were so much unspoken words just
[11:11] Speaker 3: looking at each other in our eyes. It was probably
[11:14] Speaker 3: more emotional meeting her than it was him and seeing
[11:18] Speaker 3: the scar on his chest. And for years after that
[11:23] Speaker 3: we stayed connected and they sent me flowers on Valentine's Day.
[11:30] Speaker 1: After the break, Carolyn faces life as a young widow,
[11:33] Speaker 1: which means facing up to an uncomfortable truth. Widows are
[11:38] Speaker 1: very misunderstood and they need someone to rally around them,
[11:43] Speaker 1: someone like Carolyn. Carolyn suddenly found herself a widow navigating
[12:08] Speaker 1: life for two young children on her own. Her daughters
[12:11] Speaker 1: were just four and six when Chad died.
[12:14] Speaker 3: I would have loved to have had a lot more support,
[12:17] Speaker 3: but I think for me personally. Being alone. Going from
[12:22] Speaker 3: being an extroverted person to being forced to be an
[12:25] Speaker 3: introverted person helped me. Helped me work through it internally
[12:33] Speaker 3: because I was rebuilding my entire new self. I was
[12:36] Speaker 3: no longer Chad's wife, and so I had to claw
[12:39] Speaker 3: myself out of the depression. I had to make really
[12:43] Speaker 3: healthy choices, like not to have alcohol in my house
[12:46] Speaker 3: as a backup to drown my self talk, the negative
[12:51] Speaker 3: self talk that were coming. I learned very early on
[12:54] Speaker 3: that if no one comes to help or support you,
[12:58] Speaker 3: how do you still want your life to end up
[13:00] Speaker 3: for you and your daughters?
[13:02] Speaker 1: And you said you were thirty seven when this all happened.
[13:06] Speaker 1: I mean that's a very young age for someone to
[13:09] Speaker 1: take on the title widow.
[13:12] Speaker 2: How did you feel about that?
[13:13] Speaker 3: Honestly? I never thought about widows before that moment, And
[13:17] Speaker 3: the sad part is is I should have because my
[13:20] Speaker 3: own mom had been widowed two years prior. Oh wow,
[13:23] Speaker 3: So that word took on an entirely new perspective of
[13:31] Speaker 3: I thought being a widow was being honorable. I had
[13:37] Speaker 3: kept a promise, the vows that I had made. There
[13:40] Speaker 3: was a balance of pitying myself and being pitied by society.
[13:45] Speaker 3: Every year, I'd walk into a drug store and there's
[13:48] Speaker 3: all the Valentine's Day cards, Like, I can't escape this
[13:52] Speaker 3: moment in my life and how it filtered everything. So
[13:57] Speaker 3: the word widow to me in the beginning was a
[14:01] Speaker 3: life of sadness, a life of duty of responsibility, both
[14:06] Speaker 3: in keeping his memory alive and keeping my family alive
[14:11] Speaker 3: financially and emotionally. And how do I figure out to
[14:16] Speaker 3: go forward. I don't know anyone who's thirty seven and widowed.
[14:20] Speaker 3: I'm the only one that is having this experience. And
[14:24] Speaker 3: what I mostly wanted was to find that tribe.
[14:29] Speaker 2: She worried for her girls too.
[14:31] Speaker 3: Remember taking a note and sticking it on a corkboard
[14:35] Speaker 3: and seeing that all the statistics on what is supposed
[14:39] Speaker 3: to happen to my daughters now that they're fatherless, oh right,
[14:42] Speaker 3: early pregnancy, drug use, homelessness, lack of education, all these things.
[14:50] Speaker 3: And I literally took a marker and I put on
[14:52] Speaker 3: there over my dead body. I was willing to do
[14:57] Speaker 3: whatever it took to help my daughters.
[15:02] Speaker 1: Well, it sounds like you're doing an awful lot of
[15:03] Speaker 1: caring for other people, and you can only do that
[15:06] Speaker 1: for so long, aren't you before it just comes bubbling out.
[15:09] Speaker 3: Widdlehood is the best word that I would use for
[15:13] Speaker 3: it is disorienting. You don't know who you are, you
[15:16] Speaker 3: don't know where you're going, you don't know if you're
[15:19] Speaker 3: going to be able to do it. You look the
[15:21] Speaker 3: same on the outside, but you're just a shell of
[15:26] Speaker 3: who you used to be. I was extremely vulnerable with
[15:30] Speaker 3: no one recognizing my needs and me not even fully
[15:35] Speaker 3: knowing what those work. Who asks someone?
[15:38] Speaker 1: Carolyn tried the traditional routes for support, church therapy, grief centers,
[15:44] Speaker 1: but nothing quite fitted what she needed. This was before
[15:47] Speaker 1: social media, so it's difficult to connect with other young widows,
[15:52] Speaker 1: and the in person support groups.
[15:55] Speaker 3: Well, I certainly was the youngest person there. They actually
[15:58] Speaker 3: thought I was a volunteer coming to help. I would
[16:01] Speaker 3: say the average age was seventy five.
[16:04] Speaker 1: She attended children's grief programs with her daughters at a
[16:07] Speaker 1: place called New Hope for Kids and found some community
[16:11] Speaker 1: with other parents, but that program only lasted for a while.
[16:16] Speaker 1: Carolyn experienced firsthand just how little support there was for
[16:20] Speaker 1: young widows, and in the years that followed, she was
[16:23] Speaker 1: on a mission to change things. She started volunteering with
[16:27] Speaker 1: New Hope for Kids and became a board member. Then
[16:32] Speaker 1: something completely unexpected happened. A home renovation show called Shalom
[16:38] Speaker 1: in the Home came to town. It's this TLC reality
[16:42] Speaker 1: show where an orthodox rabbi comes in to help dysfunctional families.
[16:46] Speaker 1: For their latest season, they were looking for a family
[16:49] Speaker 1: dealing with grief, so.
[16:51] Speaker 3: They wanted to put my name in the hat and
[16:53] Speaker 3: they interviewed me and they said, why do you feel
[16:56] Speaker 3: stuck in widdlehood? And I said, I'm in love with
[17:01] Speaker 3: a man who isn't alife. I don't understand why people
[17:05] Speaker 3: can't understand this. And they go, oh, you're perfect for
[17:09] Speaker 3: the TV show, And so I got chosen for this
[17:13] Speaker 3: TV show that ended up being a turning point for me.
[17:18] Speaker 1: Carolyn had been holding onto a memory box. In it,
[17:21] Speaker 1: she had kept the bloody clothes from the night of
[17:23] Speaker 1: the accident. It was the most bizarre thing. It's like
[17:27] Speaker 1: I felt close to Chad because it was his blood,
[17:30] Speaker 1: but then it reminded me of the horror of it.
[17:34] Speaker 1: And on the TV show, we decided to bury it,
[17:38] Speaker 1: literally bury the clothing, and we did it under a
[17:41] Speaker 1: grapefruit tree that we had planted for Chad. Carolyn's episode
[17:44] Speaker 1: of Shalom in the Home really struck a chord with
[17:47] Speaker 1: the viewers, and next thing she knows, she's being invited
[17:50] Speaker 1: to appear on the Oprah Show.
[17:53] Speaker 3: They made me an example of someone who's doing an
[17:55] Speaker 3: extraordinary job as a solo parent, because the show was
[17:58] Speaker 3: called Troubled Families, and it was parents who were having
[18:01] Speaker 3: trouble raising strong families, and here I was the person
[18:06] Speaker 3: who was supposed to fail doing an extraordinary job.
[18:10] Speaker 1: After her Oprah appearance, Carolyn started getting requests for mentorship
[18:14] Speaker 1: from other widows.
[18:16] Speaker 3: And I said, I can mentor two ladies.
[18:18] Speaker 2: I can do that.
[18:20] Speaker 3: I have a free Thursday open every month, and I
[18:23] Speaker 3: will do that. And to be honest with Youanna, I
[18:27] Speaker 3: learned a big universal rule that widows know widows. And
[18:31] Speaker 3: so every widow that I would meet, they knew another
[18:33] Speaker 3: widow who was looking for support. And that's when it started.
[18:40] Speaker 1: It was the Modern Widows Club, which Carolyn officially founded
[18:45] Speaker 1: in twenty and eleven. The organization helps widows directly with
[18:50] Speaker 1: what they need, but also advocates for awareness on their behalf.
[18:54] Speaker 1: Each month, widows would gather either locally or virtually to
[18:58] Speaker 1: discuss specific topics, things like emotional and mental health, financial
[19:03] Speaker 1: health purpose meaning things like that. The club also did
[19:08] Speaker 1: research about widowhood in different cultures and age groups. It
[19:13] Speaker 1: revealed that recovering from the death of a partner takes
[19:16] Speaker 1: much longer than most support systems acknowledge.
[19:19] Speaker 3: Our research shows it takes somewhere between five to seven years,
[19:25] Speaker 3: and so by not being there, not having bridge programs
[19:29] Speaker 3: for women after they leave the typical one to two
[19:32] Speaker 3: year grief support, were actually participating in the neglect of
[19:37] Speaker 3: their full recovery. Full recovery is I remember and respect
[19:42] Speaker 3: the life that I had before. I bring the grief
[19:45] Speaker 3: with me, but the grief has been now transformed and
[19:48] Speaker 3: it brought me personal growth.
[19:50] Speaker 1: You said in the research that it takes roughly five
[19:54] Speaker 1: to seven years for someone to reach for recovery.
[19:58] Speaker 2: When do you think you did?
[20:00] Speaker 3: Wow? I'd probably say you're fifteen.
[20:04] Speaker 2: Wow.
[20:05] Speaker 3: Because of the lack of support, what I'm seeing today
[20:09] Speaker 3: is truly a five to seven year for the women
[20:11] Speaker 3: who find the comprehensive support that we provide today.
[20:16] Speaker 1: Bereavement seems to be just one of those things that
[20:20] Speaker 1: requires community to successfully transition through it.
[20:24] Speaker 2: Doesn't it.
[20:25] Speaker 3: Yes, social connections to produce isolation and loneliness is one
[20:31] Speaker 3: of the greatest first experiences.
[20:34] Speaker 1: I guess, like a lot of us, probably the most
[20:37] Speaker 1: likely way that we'll interact with widowhood first and foremost
[20:41] Speaker 1: is you know, the losing of one of our parents
[20:44] Speaker 1: while one still survives. Do you have tips of how
[20:47] Speaker 1: someone should be there for their mom or dad when
[20:50] Speaker 1: their spouse passes away.
[20:53] Speaker 3: The three most powerful words I can say is tell
[20:56] Speaker 3: me more. A lot of times people don't realize by
[21:00] Speaker 3: simply being a beautiful listener and inviting more stories to
[21:05] Speaker 3: come out of them versus not talking about it is
[21:08] Speaker 3: actually what creates healing and also creates healthy bonds.
[21:14] Speaker 1: With the modern Widows Club, Carolyn created something beautiful, a
[21:19] Speaker 1: sisterhood of widows which she calls the Westerhood, and she
[21:23] Speaker 1: also found a way to reclaim Valentine's Day.
[21:27] Speaker 3: We remember the bird days and the anniversaries, but we
[21:30] Speaker 3: also remember the day someone passed away because that day
[21:33] Speaker 3: too is sacred. We call the date of the loss
[21:36] Speaker 3: of our loved one and Angel Versary Angel Versary. And
[21:40] Speaker 3: so because Chad was an organ donor, I would give
[21:43] Speaker 3: blood every year. It just seemed like the right thing
[21:46] Speaker 3: to do, giving saving lives, and so I would just
[21:50] Speaker 3: give blood. And eventually, as the community grew around the world,
[21:54] Speaker 3: there are people were curious what I did on that day,
[21:58] Speaker 3: and I said, well, I actually go give blood because
[22:02] Speaker 3: it's away for me to remember the gifts that Chad
[22:05] Speaker 3: honor the gifts that he actually gave to save other
[22:08] Speaker 3: people's lives.
[22:09] Speaker 1: This annual blood drive became known as Carolyn's Angel Versary,
[22:13] Speaker 1: away for widows to transform Valentine's Day from a day
[22:16] Speaker 1: of trauma into one of giving and healing.
[22:20] Speaker 3: What I found out was that Valentine's Day, for some reason,
[22:24] Speaker 3: is one of the slowest days at the blood donation banks. Wow,
[22:28] Speaker 3: And so I like to think that it actually contributed
[22:32] Speaker 3: to an uptick on that day and invite people every
[22:35] Speaker 3: year publicly go give blood, make your appointment and give blood.
[22:39] Speaker 1: I think there's something quite romantic about giving blood on
[22:42] Speaker 1: Valentine's Day, right That feels like something we should all
[22:45] Speaker 1: be doing. While Carolyn was building the Modern Widows Club,
[22:52] Speaker 1: doing research around widowhood, speaking about her experiences building community
[22:57] Speaker 1: and organizing blood donation drives, there was someone else whose
[23:01] Speaker 1: life had been profoundly changed by that same night in
[23:04] Speaker 1: the hospital. Back in two thousand, after the break, Carolyn
[23:11] Speaker 1: gets an unexpected text.
[23:25] Speaker 5: Glad you, I've got you, got you, I've got you.
[23:32] Speaker 1: Parallel to Carolyn's journey in researching and advocating for widows,
[23:36] Speaker 1: there was another story quietly unfolding, a story that goes
[23:40] Speaker 1: back to Valentine's Day two thousand.
[23:44] Speaker 4: I was sitting at a luncheon for the Central Florida
[23:46] Speaker 4: Women's League, and Carolyn was a speaker talking about new
[23:51] Speaker 4: hope for kids.
[23:53] Speaker 2: This is Jane Willis.
[23:54] Speaker 4: I sat in the back of that room and instantly
[23:58] Speaker 4: recognized Carolyn and but oh my goodness, I know this woman.
[24:03] Speaker 4: I hadn't seen her since Chad's death, and I had
[24:07] Speaker 4: to hold myself in the chair. I wanted to run
[24:09] Speaker 4: up and say to her, do you remember me?
[24:11] Speaker 2: I was there, I know you.
[24:14] Speaker 1: Jane was a nurse working in the emergency room the
[24:17] Speaker 1: night Chad was brought in. She never forgot Carolyn, and
[24:20] Speaker 1: in particular, she never forgot that moment when the doctor
[24:23] Speaker 1: so insensitively implied that Chad had caused the fatal accident.
[24:28] Speaker 4: What I do remember is how that stuck with me
[24:32] Speaker 4: and created so much moral distress. Here was a woman
[24:37] Speaker 4: who I totally related to because she was the same age.
[24:42] Speaker 4: I knew that she was a previous nurse. Somehow, I
[24:45] Speaker 4: was aware of the fact that she was a mother,
[24:48] Speaker 4: and coincidentally, her children were the exact age as my children,
[24:55] Speaker 4: and I realized that here was a woman who was struggling.
[24:59] Speaker 4: She was going through a horrible nightmare, and as a
[25:02] Speaker 4: healthcare system, we contributed to her suffering.
[25:06] Speaker 1: Jane had been in a senior role at the hospital
[25:09] Speaker 1: and what she witnessed that night stuck with her. When
[25:12] Speaker 1: Carolyne asked about Chad's condition, the doctor said, at least
[25:16] Speaker 1: he didn't kill anyone else.
[25:18] Speaker 4: I can remember how upset the clinical staff was that
[25:25] Speaker 4: we were in a situation that we couldn't save a
[25:28] Speaker 4: young man's life. I remember that Carolyne was just a
[25:33] Speaker 4: fierce advocate. It made a little bit of the staff
[25:35] Speaker 4: feel uncomfortable because here was a woman who was like
[25:38] Speaker 4: a tiger. I mean, she wasn't having it, and so
[25:41] Speaker 4: everybody was a little on edge. But they respected her
[25:46] Speaker 4: because she commanded that level of respect. You know, there
[25:49] Speaker 4: was no stopping her.
[25:50] Speaker 2: She was going to speak out.
[25:52] Speaker 4: But I also felt very helpless because I was in
[25:55] Speaker 4: a role where I was a nurse and this was
[25:59] Speaker 4: a nurse surgeon, and what was my role in addressing
[26:03] Speaker 4: the way that he spoke to her?
[26:06] Speaker 1: Remember, after Chad's death, Carolyn sent two letters to the hospital,
[26:10] Speaker 1: one expressing her anger about the doctor's in sensitive behavior
[26:14] Speaker 1: and another thanking the nursing staff.
[26:18] Speaker 4: The thing that I remember to this day is an
[26:21] Speaker 4: envelope that appeared on my desk and opening this envelope
[26:26] Speaker 4: realizing that it was a letter from a patient's wife,
[26:30] Speaker 4: and this picture fell out, and I stared at the
[26:34] Speaker 4: picture before I read the letter, and it was a
[26:37] Speaker 4: picture of Caroline and Chad and her two young daughters,
[26:41] Speaker 4: and I remember thinking this could be my family, This
[26:44] Speaker 4: could be my family. And then I read that letter
[26:48] Speaker 4: where Carolyn so graciously thanked the nursing staff for the
[26:52] Speaker 4: care that they provided her during this ordeal, but then
[26:55] Speaker 4: read again those words that created so much suffering to her.
[27:02] Speaker 4: I remember to this day carrying this letter to the
[27:05] Speaker 4: chief of Trauma and then the chief of Staff's office
[27:09] Speaker 4: and showing them the picture and shaking it and saying
[27:12] Speaker 4: something has to be done.
[27:14] Speaker 1: Jane wanted to change things and As the years passed,
[27:17] Speaker 1: she rose through the ranks of hospital leadership, eventually becoming
[27:21] Speaker 1: Chief Nurse Executive and Vice President of Nursing. In that role,
[27:26] Speaker 1: she oversaw six thousand nurses across ten hospitals. Now she
[27:31] Speaker 1: had a seat at the table to push for change.
[27:34] Speaker 4: I was able to partner with strong physician leaders and
[27:38] Speaker 4: work with colleagues to evaluate the patient experience in our
[27:44] Speaker 4: ability to train and support clinicians to provide caring, compassionate care,
[27:52] Speaker 4: and communicate more effectively. I've since retired from acute care,
[27:57] Speaker 4: but now I am on the faculty at the University
[28:02] Speaker 4: of Central Florida here in Orlando, and I have another
[28:05] Speaker 4: opportunity to influence and educate future nurses and future physicians.
[28:12] Speaker 4: And so this work is continuing and.
[28:15] Speaker 2: Throughout all these years, Jane remembered Carolyn.
[28:18] Speaker 4: I was at another event and it was a women's event,
[28:22] Speaker 4: and they had amazing keynote speakers, and lo and behold,
[28:26] Speaker 4: one of the speakers was Carolyn Moore, and she was
[28:30] Speaker 4: speaking about the work that she was doing with widows
[28:34] Speaker 4: and told her story similar to what she's sharing with
[28:37] Speaker 4: us today, and I thought, holy moly, and I had
[28:42] Speaker 4: that feeling in my gut, almost a feeling of shame
[28:46] Speaker 4: of that ugly part of the story that I was
[28:50] Speaker 4: involved in, that we didn't break her bad news appropriately.
[28:55] Speaker 1: Through a series of coincidences that almost feel like fate,
[28:59] Speaker 1: Jane met some of the widows who are pot of
[29:01] Speaker 1: Carolyn's club.
[29:02] Speaker 4: And they looked at me and they said, Jane, you
[29:04] Speaker 4: have to meet her. You have to meet Carolyn. She
[29:07] Speaker 4: would love to see you. And I was scared. I
[29:09] Speaker 4: was like, really nervous. I thought, do I really want
[29:12] Speaker 4: to meet her and stir up all of these old
[29:14] Speaker 4: memories in her? And who am I in her? You know,
[29:17] Speaker 4: I'm a drop in her story?
[29:19] Speaker 2: Here's Carolyn.
[29:21] Speaker 3: So I was actually just looking at my phone and
[29:25] Speaker 3: I get a text from one of the Modern Widows
[29:27] Speaker 3: Club ladies named Lucy, and Lucy text me and says, Carolyn,
[29:33] Speaker 3: You're not going to believe it, but I'm sitting here
[29:36] Speaker 3: next to a woman named Jane who was the nurse
[29:40] Speaker 3: in the trauma I see you when Chad died.
[29:43] Speaker 2: What did you make of that?
[29:47] Speaker 3: Reading that text, I went my hands started shaking literally
[29:52] Speaker 3: because I'm thinking, how does she even remember me? Like
[29:57] Speaker 3: this has been twenty five years ago. I not realized
[30:01] Speaker 3: that there was a witness for this this entire twenty
[30:04] Speaker 3: five years. I just assumed that this was something that
[30:09] Speaker 3: happened in that it was a memory of mine, and
[30:12] Speaker 3: so I'm like, oh my gosh, Lucy, I would love
[30:16] Speaker 3: to meet her.
[30:17] Speaker 4: And I think Carolyn was amazed that I remembered the details,
[30:22] Speaker 4: and I think I validated it, and there was an
[30:25] Speaker 4: instant connection, and I thought, what is the synergy? What
[30:29] Speaker 4: could the two of us do together, and what possibilities
[30:32] Speaker 4: are they're out there for us to take our lived
[30:35] Speaker 4: experiences and maybe do something good in the world.
[30:40] Speaker 1: When they finally sat down together, Jane was able to
[30:43] Speaker 1: fill in some of the missing pieces of Carolyn's experiences
[30:46] Speaker 1: from that awful night, but also afterwards how her letter
[30:49] Speaker 1: had impacted the hospital's policy.
[30:52] Speaker 4: Carolyn sobbed when we talked about what the doctor said
[30:56] Speaker 4: to her. Twenty five years later. It's still impacting her
[31:00] Speaker 4: and it's still impacting me. And I will never condone
[31:07] Speaker 4: the way he spoke to her. But I understand it more.
[31:10] Speaker 4: I understand that physicians and nurses are burnt out, they're stressed,
[31:14] Speaker 4: they're in a system that doesn't work perfectly. As I
[31:17] Speaker 4: was sitting in the parking lot to go in to
[31:19] Speaker 4: meet Carolyn for the very first time. I googled that
[31:23] Speaker 4: physician's name and an obituary came up, and I walked
[31:28] Speaker 4: in to the restaurant, and during the course of the conversation,
[31:32] Speaker 4: I said to Carolyn, he's no longer with us.
[31:35] Speaker 2: He's passed away.
[31:36] Speaker 1: Carolyn and Jane have found a powerful connection in that
[31:39] Speaker 1: shared commitment to helping others.
[31:43] Speaker 3: This is a greater story than even the two of us.
[31:48] Speaker 3: I was so proud of Jane thinking she took that experience.
[31:53] Speaker 3: She didn't have to take what happened to me and
[31:57] Speaker 3: turn it into a great lesson for change in her industry.
[32:04] Speaker 3: For me, when I talk about silver lining, that was
[32:08] Speaker 3: as an advocate at heart. She saw my pain, and
[32:12] Speaker 3: she saw this is an unnecessary pain that doesn't have
[32:15] Speaker 3: to happen, and so how can we prevent that. This
[32:19] Speaker 3: is the power of girlfriends coming together. Our role now
[32:24] Speaker 3: is not just healing the world, but also reducing the
[32:28] Speaker 3: unnecessary pain that people have to experience by education and awareness.
[32:37] Speaker 1: Thanks to Carolyn and Jane, Carolyn's been doing such important
[32:41] Speaker 1: work on behalf of widows across the world. Modern Widows
[32:45] Speaker 1: Club is helping widows not just survive, but actually thrive.
[32:49] Speaker 2: They offer community and mentorship.
[32:51] Speaker 1: And tools to heal and grow, all wrapped in genuine
[32:55] Speaker 1: support from people who really get it. You can check
[32:58] Speaker 1: it out at Modern Widows Club dot org. Carolyn's a
[33:04] Speaker 1: real force for good, but Jane's advocacy also really surprised me.
[33:10] Speaker 1: I get why Carolyn, at the center of the trauma,
[33:13] Speaker 1: would do everything she could.
[33:14] Speaker 2: To make her and other widow's lives better.
[33:18] Speaker 1: But Jane was an observer on a busy, relentless shift.
[33:22] Speaker 1: How often do we all see something that makes our
[33:24] Speaker 1: stomachs turn, and yet we just walk away thinking that's
[33:28] Speaker 1: not my business. She deserves some real kudos for actually
[33:33] Speaker 1: standing up for what was right. I reckon we could
[33:36] Speaker 1: all be a little more Jane. If you've enjoyed this conversation,
[33:56] Speaker 1: you can find loads more incredible women on our feed.
[34:00] Speaker 1: Do check them out, and please do spread the word
[34:02] Speaker 1: and tell your friends about us. We want as many
[34:04] Speaker 1: people as possible to be.
[34:06] Speaker 2: Part of the Girlfriend's Gang.
[34:12] Speaker 1: Next time on the Girlfriend's Spotlight, Anna catches a catfish.
[34:20] Speaker 6: And I said, there's just one thing that I want
[34:23] Speaker 6: to say to you, and that is just please don't
[34:26] Speaker 6: ever do this to anyone else, because I was on
[34:31] Speaker 6: the virtue suicide when I found out him.
[34:42] Speaker 1: This season, we're supporting the charity Womankind Worldwide. They do
[34:47] Speaker 1: amazing work to help women's rights organizations and movements to
[34:50] Speaker 1: strengthen and grow. If you'd like to find out more
[34:53] Speaker 1: or donate to help them secure equal rights for women
[34:56] Speaker 1: and girls across the globe, you can go to women
[34:59] Speaker 1: car dot org dot UK. The Girlfriend's Spotlight is produced
[35:12] Speaker 1: by Novel for iHeart Podcasts. For more from Novel, visit
[35:16] Speaker 1: novel dot audio. The show is hosted by me Anna Sinfield.
[35:21] Speaker 1: This episode was written and produced by al Shay Barney.
[35:25] Speaker 1: Our assistant producer is Lucy Carr. Our researcher is Seyana Yusuf.
[35:30] Speaker 1: The editor is Hannah Marshall. Max O'Brien and Craig Strachan
[35:34] Speaker 1: are executive producers. Production management from Joe Savage, Sharie Houston
[35:40] Speaker 1: and Charlotte Wolfe. Sound design, mixing and scoring by Nicholas
[35:44] Speaker 1: Alexander and Daniel Kempson. Music supervision by Jako Taievich, Nicholas
[35:49] Speaker 1: Alexander and Annasinfield. Original music composed by Louisa Gerstein and
[35:54] Speaker 1: Jemma Freeman. The series artwork was designed by Christina Lemkel.
[36:00] Speaker 1: Boxton is Creative director of Development. Special thanks to Katrina Norvel,
[36:04] Speaker 1: Carrie Lieberman, and Will Pearson at iHeart Podcasts, as well
[36:08] Speaker 1: as Carl Frankel and the whole team at WM

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