# The Eighth Quest: Missionary Accomplished

An episode of [Sex.Life](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1682116236), 22 Jul 2025, 1 h 05 min.

Audio: https://pdst.fm/e/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/7784f840-c291-422a-924b-ad9000bbad71/b6e57592-81b4-43ae-aeea-afe201571891/7cead75a-91ed-446d-af28-b31e00235d42/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=ac6c0115-835b-4807-ba08-afe201580f7e

Content Warning: R18, Language and Sexual Material May Offend. High, and still horny, Morgan sneakily navigates her way out of that shit-uation and... straight back into bed. A fun night on the dancefloor with a sexy Irishman turns into a morning in a bulletproof car with an English Special Forces operative. Romance is in the air, with Morgan living out a full-blown movie moment – snowflake-kissed cheeks and all. The posh missionary sex is a letdown but he redeems himself with a deeply meaningful military gesture. Back in NZ for a wedding, Morgan reunites with G.I Joe. But will a salty treat be enough to lure her back into his (big, burly, army boy) arms, or will she just be left with just a vinegary taste in her mouth? Wild Secrets is the proud sponsor of the Sex.Life podcast. With 30 years’ experience behind the scenes and between the sheets helping Kiwi’s live their best Sex.Life Wild Secrets have the biggest range and best prices. Use promo code sex.life for a 20% discount on your next purchase at wildsecrets.co.nz. Hungry for more? Watch Pillow Talk, where Morgan pulls back the covers on the stories behind the podcast—think deeper dives, photos, surprise guests (including a few of the boys), and a weekly debrief with her glorious Mumma Kez. Morgan Insta: @morganthesexologist Hayley Insta: @hayleysproull ZM Podcast Network: @ZMOnline See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:04] Speaker 1: Sex.life brought to you by Wild Secrets. The ZDM Podcast Network.
[0:14] Speaker 2: A moment for the Secret Service. Don't fucking play the
[0:18] Speaker 2: trumpet again!
[0:20] Speaker 3: And he starts kissing wherever each little snowflake lands. My
[0:27] Speaker 3: whole posse is like melting.
[0:29] Speaker 1: Jolly good, jolly good Fanny Morgan.
[0:32] Speaker 2: Top notch Fanny. Well, let's start with a content warning.
[0:42] Speaker 1: Okay.
[0:42] Speaker 2: Okay. Stop right now.
[0:45] Speaker 1: Thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch. Hey, you,
[0:52] Speaker 1: if you're not 18, you're going to have to leave
[0:56] Speaker 1: and leave it for the adults.
[1:03] Speaker 2: This is not appropriate for children. It's explicit. And I
[1:09] Speaker 2: gotta kick it and I wanna whip it. You've changed
[1:12] Speaker 2: the melody.
[1:13] Speaker 1: Yeah. You have quite a famous song.
[1:15] Speaker 2: I do that even with, you know, there's that song.
[1:20] Speaker 2: I take you to the candy shop.
[1:22] Speaker 1: Whoa. I'll let you lick my lollipop.
[1:27] Speaker 3: I think it's quite good, but people have often said, no, no, you've.
[1:31] Speaker 1: Merged two songs.
[1:32] Speaker 2: You're doing an organic mashup.
[1:33] Speaker 1: Yeah. Okay, well, that's our content warning, by the way.
[1:35] Speaker 1: If you didn't get the message... from the song. This
[1:39] Speaker 1: is an R18 podcast. If that's not you, goodbye. If
[1:41] Speaker 1: you're a prude, goodbye.
[1:43] Speaker 3: And also, if you didn't pick that up from that amazing,
[1:47] Speaker 3: very clear content warning, then you shouldn't be here.
[1:51] Speaker 1: It's quite an intelligent podcast.
[1:52] Speaker 2: Yeah, it's actually quite a high education.
[1:54] Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Quite high end.
[1:56] Speaker 2: You just can't come in here.
[1:57] Speaker 1: You can't come in here with your thick brain. No.
[1:59] Speaker 1: If you're not picking up what we're putting down.
[2:01] Speaker 2: Silly mood today.
[2:01] Speaker 1: I'm feeling it.
[2:02] Speaker 2: I know. Silly mood. Rachel, I produced a put up
[2:05] Speaker 2: a little finger. You better just calm down. Okay. Okay. Hello,
[2:10] Speaker 2: empowered pursuers.
[2:11] Speaker 1: I'm sweating already.
[2:13] Speaker 2: Are you fucking hot in here? Oh, it is hot.
[2:15] Speaker 2: I'm not nervous.
[2:16] Speaker 1: I'm just always warm.
[2:17] Speaker 2: We was like the other day and I was like
[2:20] Speaker 2: wearing a t-shirt and a mini skirt. And someone was like,
[2:22] Speaker 2: aren't you cold? I was like, I've never been cold.
[2:24] Speaker 1: A day in my life.
[2:25] Speaker 2: Honestly. She's got an internal furno. Furnace? Furnace. Furno furnace?
[2:31] Speaker 1: Don't know.
[2:32] Speaker 2: Disco Inferno. Too many songs. Is this the musical? Is
[2:35] Speaker 2: this the musical episode? Yes.
[2:37] Speaker 1: Oh my God. Okay, finish introing. We're going crazy.
[2:43] Speaker 2: Hi, Empowered Poussoirs. What's up?
[2:45] Speaker 3: This is a juicy podcast. and we are smashing sexual taboos.
[2:50] Speaker 3: I'm Morgan Penn. I'm a somatic sexologist. I help people
[2:53] Speaker 3: to get back into their sensual bodies. And really, I mean,
[2:57] Speaker 3: at the crux of it, I'm just helping people have
[2:59] Speaker 3: better sex.
[3:00] Speaker 1: Boom, bam, wham. Thank you, ma'am.
[3:02] Speaker 2: My name's Hayley Sproul.
[3:03] Speaker 1: I'm a comedian and a radio presenter, and I'm also
[3:05] Speaker 1: a dear friend of Morgan's. And I'm here to inquire,
[3:09] Speaker 1: to question, and to marvel at the stories she is
[3:12] Speaker 1: telling us this season, season three. of where it all
[3:16] Speaker 1: began for you and where you're at on your quest
[3:19] Speaker 1: to love. Yeah.
[3:20] Speaker 3: We're journeying through it again. And we've gone back in time.
[3:23] Speaker 3: It's kind of like the magic school bus.
[3:25] Speaker 1: I know.
[3:25] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[3:26] Speaker 1: I feel like already we're having so many people responding
[3:29] Speaker 1: to us about how much of themselves they're seeing and hearing.
[3:33] Speaker 1: And it's interesting hearing from, like, some of my male
[3:35] Speaker 1: friends who have been really shocked listening and being like, oh,
[3:38] Speaker 1: my God, like, this is a lot. This is so much.
[3:41] Speaker 2: Oh, my God, you know, it's not right. And I
[3:43] Speaker 2: was like, this is a lot of women's experience.
[3:45] Speaker 3: Do you think that's because, like, would these be men
[3:48] Speaker 3: our age, that they weren't aware we were having these
[3:51] Speaker 3: kind of experiences?
[3:52] Speaker 1: 100%.
[3:52] Speaker 2: And how objectified. And because we didn't talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[3:56] Speaker 2: Sexualized we were at that age. And then seeing the
[3:58] Speaker 2: shock in most women being like, yeah, yeah.
[4:01] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[4:02] Speaker 2: Wow. That's amazing.
[4:03] Speaker 1: Are you feeling that like a little bit?
[4:05] Speaker 2: Yep.
[4:06] Speaker 1: Yep, I am.
[4:06] Speaker 2: I feel like it's a response to the time. Yes.
[4:09] Speaker 2: The time of the world. Yes.
[4:11] Speaker 3: And it was funny because when I was thinking about
[4:13] Speaker 3: sharing this stuff, I was like, surely this isn't just me.
[4:17] Speaker 3: And the amount of messages of people talking about age
[4:20] Speaker 3: differences and just the normalisation of that at that time
[4:25] Speaker 3: is quite crazy.
[4:25] Speaker 2: Because I was like, is that still happening now? I
[4:27] Speaker 2: don't think it is.
[4:28] Speaker 1: I know. I know.
[4:30] Speaker 2: Thank God it's not happening anymore? Absolutely.
[4:33] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[4:33] Speaker 4: Yeah.
[4:34] Speaker 2: Because when I reflect on the younger relationships, those guys
[4:37] Speaker 2: my age were being very respectful, most of them. They
[4:41] Speaker 2: didn't really know what they were doing. They were gangling
[4:43] Speaker 2: around and awkward like we were.
[4:45] Speaker 1: I know.
[4:46] Speaker 2: Do you remember how bad it used to be to
[4:48] Speaker 2: get poked? Do you know what I mean?
[4:49] Speaker 1: When you're talking about people not knowing what they're doing
[4:51] Speaker 1: at that age. Remember the first time you got poked? Oh, yeah.
[4:56] Speaker 2: Oh my God. Poked?
[4:57] Speaker 3: Well, you know, for myself, who I do like some
[5:00] Speaker 3: internal work with some women, you know, that's my experience
[5:04] Speaker 3: of going into a vagina.
[5:05] Speaker 2: It is a real foreign landscape.
[5:08] Speaker 3: And I'm thinking about these gawky teenage boys that are
[5:11] Speaker 3: only used to working with an appendage that sticks outwards.
[5:14] Speaker 4: Yes.
[5:15] Speaker 2: And then they've got to go inwards.
[5:16] Speaker 1: Squishy wishy. Wonderland.
[5:18] Speaker 2: No wonder they didn't know what they were doing.
[5:20] Speaker 1: I know.
[5:20] Speaker 2: For years and years and years.
[5:22] Speaker 1: I know. I know. So, okay, before we pick up
[5:25] Speaker 1: where we left off last episode, should we touch base
[5:29] Speaker 1: with home play? Please.
[5:30] Speaker 3: So there was the relationship check-ins, which, you know, we
[5:33] Speaker 3: don't really need to go into too deeply because that
[5:36] Speaker 3: was more of a bigger scale piece. But there was
[5:39] Speaker 3: also this creating a yes zone to really find something
[5:43] Speaker 3: that makes you feel so free, something that you can
[5:47] Speaker 3: give yourself that if you're living like most of us,
[5:50] Speaker 3: just trying to survive and plodding along, What is going
[5:53] Speaker 3: to give you that moment of freedom and feeling like
[5:55] Speaker 3: you're absolutely liberated?
[5:57] Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely.
[5:58] Speaker 1: Well, you know, in honour of the troops, a moment
[6:04] Speaker 1: of silence, please.
[6:09] Speaker 2: What is that? The fucking trumpet?
[6:10] Speaker 1: Yes. The final post?
[6:12] Speaker 2: Oh, for God's sake. Is it okay? It fell off.
[6:17] Speaker 1: No. In order to, you know, I've always got to
[6:21] Speaker 1: dance around relationship stuff because I'm protecting the privacy of
[6:23] Speaker 1: my partner and blah, blah, blah. So relationship check-ins are
[6:25] Speaker 1: good and I've always been good at that.
[6:27] Speaker 2: You know me.
[6:27] Speaker 1: I've got a big mouth. Say less. Say less.
[6:31] Speaker 2: Please.
[6:33] Speaker 1: Creating the yes zone. Do you know how I did this,
[6:35] Speaker 1: this like trying to create this feeling of freedom?
[6:37] Speaker 2: Yes. I have spent the past week mostly naked. Okay.
[6:42] Speaker 1: Because I have the ability to do so. I live,
[6:45] Speaker 1: you know, I don't live with children. And I don't
[6:48] Speaker 1: have flatmates or anything like that. And when I'm trying
[6:51] Speaker 1: to think about this, like, yes, liberation space, mine is
[6:55] Speaker 1: like being nude, which is something that I feel like
[6:57] Speaker 1: is often not allowed or you should be embarrassed about.
[7:04] Speaker 2: When you have had a complicated relationship with your body. Yes.
[7:06] Speaker 2: And you know me, I'm always, you know. Nine pairs
[7:09] Speaker 2: of undies and control this and hoist that.
[7:11] Speaker 1: Sucking it in. Suck it in.
[7:13] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[7:13] Speaker 1: So my liberation was a complete like nudity holiday.
[7:16] Speaker 2: Well, I fucking love that for you.
[7:18] Speaker 3: Did you notice that anything changed for you or shifted
[7:23] Speaker 3: anything that was unexpected?
[7:24] Speaker 1: I think it was a good thing towards a neutrality
[7:27] Speaker 1: as opposed to a. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
[7:31] Speaker 2: Does that make sense? Yeah, just to sit in the
[7:33] Speaker 2: acceptance of what is.
[7:34] Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I mean, the sitting bit sucks because sitting
[7:36] Speaker 1: on the couch when you're naked, do you know what
[7:37] Speaker 1: I mean, often leaves a little.
[7:39] Speaker 2: Squelch.
[7:39] Speaker 1: Squelch. Oh, I just pulled out a whole bunch of
[7:41] Speaker 1: my hair.
[7:41] Speaker 2: Well, please don't de-bush in the studio.
[7:44] Speaker 1: Sorry about that.
[7:45] Speaker 2: But yeah, it's sort of like, it's just a comfort.
[7:48] Speaker 2: Don't de-bush in the studio. I've actually grown more pubes back. What? Well,
[7:53] Speaker 2: we celebrate this.
[7:54] Speaker 1: Yeah, I know. I'm thinking of keeping them.
[7:55] Speaker 3: Yes, you should.
[7:56] Speaker 2: Yeah. Those little... fighters.
[7:58] Speaker 1: Little fluffers that sort of prevailed through the laser.
[8:01] Speaker 3: Makes me think about the little weeds that come through concrete,
[8:04] Speaker 3: you know, that you see in New York and everyone's like.
[8:05] Speaker 4: Yeah, it's a fighter.
[8:06] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah. Nature prevails.
[8:10] Speaker 2: That's how I feel. Well, thank you for sharing.
[8:12] Speaker 1: Thank you.
[8:12] Speaker 4: Rachie.
[8:13] Speaker 1: Rachel.
[8:15] Speaker 3: Well, I just want to say that the relationship part
[8:17] Speaker 3: was so good for us.
[8:18] Speaker 1: Oh, that's so nice.
[8:20] Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah. And it's funny because it's like a homework
[8:22] Speaker 3: and like a job thing. I prioritise doing it.
[8:25] Speaker 2: Yeah, interesting.
[8:26] Speaker 3: I would probably shy away from it if it was
[8:29] Speaker 3: just like do it for your own good.
[8:31] Speaker 2: But we had the most beautiful chats yesterday.
[8:33] Speaker 3: With your question prompts and it was so nice because
[8:36] Speaker 3: we just never speak on that level hardly ever anymore you.
[8:39] Speaker 1: Know we got fucking so much on so much on
[8:42] Speaker 1: yeah and he was game that's so nice though yeah
[8:44] Speaker 1: he was so.
[8:44] Speaker 3: Great and he was so open and we really loved
[8:46] Speaker 3: it so yeah is it something you might use moving
[8:49] Speaker 3: forward I'd love to yeah that's so nice yeah it
[8:52] Speaker 3: was really good for us and it was a real
[8:53] Speaker 3: safety in having the prompts given to.
[8:55] Speaker 2: You yes you're like these aren't my own thoughts.
[8:58] Speaker 3: Yeah I'm not the one asking how you're feeling in
[8:59] Speaker 3: your sexual body yeah it's on the list I gotta
[9:02] Speaker 3: ask you you know And it's so interesting, Rachel, because
[9:04] Speaker 3: what I know of you, you are actually a really
[9:06] Speaker 3: great communicator. But sometimes having a framework, like you say,
[9:10] Speaker 3: just takes away the emotional charge of it being you.
[9:14] Speaker 3: And it becomes more of a, hey, let's do something
[9:17] Speaker 3: together that's like not really being driven by either one
[9:21] Speaker 3: of you. And you can meet in a new place.
[9:24] Speaker 3: And you can both kind of come in and be like,
[9:26] Speaker 3: we both feel a bit silly.
[9:27] Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Stupid Morgan.
[9:29] Speaker 2: As opposed to one of you feeling maybe like attacked
[9:31] Speaker 2: or like. Exactly. How else can be these things?
[9:33] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[9:33] Speaker 3: And because we were talking about it from a calm place,
[9:35] Speaker 3: away from some of the tiffs we'd had in the week,
[9:37] Speaker 3: we could reflect on those and you could admit like, yeah, actually,
[9:39] Speaker 3: you know, now that I'm not heightened, I can see
[9:41] Speaker 3: your point of view.
[9:42] Speaker 2: Yeah. It was just so good. It was so good.
[9:44] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[9:45] Speaker 2: Really rated that.
[9:45] Speaker 1: J'adore.
[9:46] Speaker 2: Yeah. Pleased. What about, did you find a little yes
[9:49] Speaker 2: freedom space for you?
[9:50] Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like this is really basic, but I
[9:53] Speaker 3: realised that my yes space is just like being on
[9:56] Speaker 3: my own, away from the role of mother and partner
[10:00] Speaker 3: and whatever the hell else I'm expected to be.
[10:02] Speaker 1: And I just went and got it.
[10:03] Speaker 3: A coffee in the sun and bought a brioche and
[10:06] Speaker 3: walked to the supermarket and it.
[10:08] Speaker 2: Was just like, I'm just me.
[10:09] Speaker 3: I don't have to be anything right now. And that
[10:11] Speaker 3: was fucking amazing. Oh, I love that.
[10:13] Speaker 1: So boring. No, not boring at all.
[10:16] Speaker 2: Thanks, guys.
[10:17] Speaker 1: I can't imagine a world where people needed me all
[10:20] Speaker 1: the time in many different roles. It's so hard. Totally.
[10:24] Speaker 2: I mean, I just can't imagine.
[10:25] Speaker 1: And then still being able to, like, find an identity
[10:28] Speaker 1: within yourself of who you are when you're alone.
[10:30] Speaker 2: That's it.
[10:31] Speaker 1: Amazing. Great.
[10:37] Speaker 2: All right, team. All right, Morgz, dive in.
[10:39] Speaker 1: Where are we?
[10:41] Speaker 2: Okay, well, I was in a little toilet cubicle. And
[10:45] Speaker 2: I'd been having a hot night, hooking up in London,
[10:48] Speaker 2: one of my.
[10:49] Speaker 3: Early weeks there and I'd found myself a nice London chap,
[10:53] Speaker 3: even though he was Kiwi, and had been feeling liberated, free,
[10:58] Speaker 3: and then all of a sudden I got the gurgles
[11:01] Speaker 3: in my tummy.
[11:02] Speaker 2: A little bit too liberated, a little too free. That's right.
[11:04] Speaker 1: That's right.
[11:04] Speaker 2: She'd really popped her load a bit.
[11:06] Speaker 1: Yes, she had, yeah.
[11:07] Speaker 2: So I made her to the toilet.
[11:10] Speaker 1: Far out.
[11:11] Speaker 3: Then found out there's no toilet paper. Now, there's one
[11:15] Speaker 3: thing about me that we should know by now. It's
[11:17] Speaker 3: like I'm a problem solver.
[11:19] Speaker 1: Oh, well.
[11:25] Speaker 2: I mean, she's a contradiction. She's many things. She's layered.
[11:29] Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you.
[11:30] Speaker 2: I'm a tiramisu. You're a tiramisu.
[11:33] Speaker 1: Yes.
[11:33] Speaker 2: The bottom sponge bit, unwell.
[11:35] Speaker 1: Well, it needs to be loose.
[11:37] Speaker 2: No, actually, I think the bottom sponge bit is you. Actually,
[11:39] Speaker 2: it's you. That's you. Okay.
[11:41] Speaker 1: I reckon the liquor that runs through this bunch, that's
[11:43] Speaker 1: the unwell. That's the woman and that's the kid in
[11:45] Speaker 1: the wardrobe. That's the shucking gloves. That's the one who
[11:48] Speaker 1: punched at the sevens. It's the one who keeps on
[11:50] Speaker 1: singing the feelings rather than expressing them.
[11:53] Speaker 2: You're right. You're right.
[11:54] Speaker 1: Okay. Now, the cream on top, that's Morgan when she's
[11:58] Speaker 1: living her best self.
[11:59] Speaker 2: She's shiny. She's shiny. Okay. Oh, shit. We're getting weird. Okay.
[12:04] Speaker 1: We're getting weird?
[12:05] Speaker 2: We're getting weird?
[12:06] Speaker 1: We've been weird.
[12:07] Speaker 2: Okay. What I was going to say, yes, all right,
[12:09] Speaker 2: I'll give you that. Yes, I'm unwell. It's something. Some
[12:12] Speaker 2: parts of my life.
[12:13] Speaker 1: And have been for quite some time.
[12:14] Speaker 2: Yes, and look, likely to still happen the end of
[12:16] Speaker 2: this day. Of course. But, I mean, today. Yes, I know.
[12:20] Speaker 1: No, no, no, I know.
[12:20] Speaker 2: Oh, okay, yeah. I can see it in your eyes.
[12:23] Speaker 2: You're going to do something unhinged today. I know I can.
[12:26] Speaker 2: You're going to come back next week with your head
[12:27] Speaker 2: shaved or something.
[12:28] Speaker 1: And I'll be like, of course.
[12:31] Speaker 2: Yeah, that makes complete sense to me. Let's just move on. Okay, great.
[12:34] Speaker 2: I look forward to that day. Yeah. But I'm resourceful.
[12:37] Speaker 1: Yes.
[12:38] Speaker 2: Okay?
[12:39] Speaker 4: Yeah.
[12:39] Speaker 2: I've tried....
[12:41] Speaker 3: The National Geographic poster on the back of the door
[12:44] Speaker 3: is faux toilet paper.
[12:46] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[12:47] Speaker 3: Let's just remember I've also had a few Pepsi... Nose Pepsis.
[12:51] Speaker 2: Nose Pepsis.
[12:52] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
[12:52] Speaker 2: So it often loosens the anus.
[12:55] Speaker 3: Loosens the anus. Doesn't make clear decisions about things. Things
[12:59] Speaker 3: that might be great toilet paper, not really.
[13:01] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[13:02] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[13:02] Speaker 3: So I think, okay, I've got to source something. So
[13:06] Speaker 3: I wander out of the toilet and I follow the
[13:09] Speaker 3: music and I see... people at the kitchen table sitting there.
[13:16] Speaker 1: What are you wearing?
[13:17] Speaker 2: I'm just wearing no undies.
[13:19] Speaker 1: Yeah, because I was like, what are we doing here
[13:20] Speaker 1: with a smeary butt? Do you know what I mean?
[13:23] Speaker 2: This is what we're all thinking, and I'm just going
[13:24] Speaker 2: to say it. Do you know what I mean?
[13:25] Speaker 1: Like, we've all had that moment where you've done a
[13:27] Speaker 1: terrible shit, and you've got to go looking, and you're
[13:29] Speaker 1: trying to keep your arsehole wide.
[13:32] Speaker 2: No, I was going to say wide. No, I'm trying
[13:34] Speaker 2: to tighten. So that you don't want it all sort
[13:35] Speaker 2: of smearing together. Yeah, but if I was wide, I'd
[13:38] Speaker 2: be walking like this, whereas when I'm tight, I'm like this.
[13:41] Speaker 1: Okay, so you're keeping the area small, concentrated. Okay, okay.
[13:45] Speaker 2: It's like bloody Chernobyl, you know, I'm trying to.
[13:48] Speaker 1: Contain it all.
[13:49] Speaker 2: Yes. There's people still drinking a lot of Pepsi out
[13:53] Speaker 2: in the kitchen table.
[13:54] Speaker 4: Of course.
[13:55] Speaker 2: I think it's like three o'clock in the morning. Well,
[13:57] Speaker 2: that's often the effect of Pepsi, a lot of caffeine. Yeah,
[13:59] Speaker 2: that's right.
[14:00] Speaker 3: And so I say, hey, hey, how's it going? And
[14:02] Speaker 3: they're like, oh, hey, Morgz, are you still here? And
[14:04] Speaker 3: I was like, oh, yeah, I've been in the lounge
[14:07] Speaker 3: with blah, blah, blah. And they're like, oh, okay, fine.
[14:09] Speaker 3: And so I was like, so what's going on? As
[14:11] Speaker 3: I'm like scouting the room.
[14:13] Speaker 2: Yeah, your handy towels. No handy towels. And I see
[14:17] Speaker 2: a tea towel hanging over the handle of the oven.
[14:20] Speaker 1: That'll do. So I think, great.
[14:22] Speaker 2: So like back up onto it. Beep, beep, beep, beep.
[14:25] Speaker 2: Put my back like lean for a little bit there.
[14:27] Speaker 1: Talk.
[14:29] Speaker 3: Grab it off the back with my hands. Put it
[14:32] Speaker 3: behind my back. And then I start to say, oh, okay, well,
[14:36] Speaker 3: I've got to go. I'm pretty tired. And I walk
[14:39] Speaker 3: out of the room backwards.
[14:41] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[14:42] Speaker 2: Not suspicious at all.
[14:44] Speaker 1: No.
[14:44] Speaker 2: How I often see you leaving a room, actually.
[14:47] Speaker 1: Oh.
[14:48] Speaker 2: Backwards. Why not?
[14:49] Speaker 1: Why not? It's cool. It's different.
[14:51] Speaker 2: Zany. Unexpected.
[14:52] Speaker 1: Yeah. That's how kooky Morgan.
[14:55] Speaker 2: Mate, I think I've won the lottery at this point.
[14:57] Speaker 2: I know. I think I'm like split the atom. That's
[15:00] Speaker 2: how clever I am.
[15:01] Speaker 1: The tea towels are so grim. Teatails fucking stink and
[15:04] Speaker 1: it's always dirty.
[15:05] Speaker 2: Crusty bits. Yeah, crusty bits. How long has that teatail
[15:08] Speaker 2: been in the rotation? You're in a flat in London.
[15:10] Speaker 2: I'm going to say weeks.
[15:11] Speaker 3: I'm going to say weeks. So I get it into
[15:14] Speaker 3: the toilet, moisten it up. At least I know how
[15:16] Speaker 3: to treat my ass at that hour.
[15:18] Speaker 2: Well, get it wet.
[15:19] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
[15:20] Speaker 3: Get myself cleaned up, feeling brand new, shiny.
[15:25] Speaker 1: What are we doing with it?
[15:27] Speaker 2: Well.
[15:28] Speaker 1: Don't fucking flush it. Morgan.
[15:30] Speaker 2: That's the next dilemma. Yeah. What am I going to do?
[15:34] Speaker 2: I think we.
[15:36] Speaker 1: What am I doing? Got a handbag?
[15:39] Speaker 2: Mate, no.
[15:40] Speaker 1: No, long gone.
[15:41] Speaker 2: Okay. Well, it's in the room. It's in the lounge.
[15:46] Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm not flushing. I'm hiding.
[15:48] Speaker 2: I'm stashing, I think.
[15:49] Speaker 1: I'm stashing.
[15:50] Speaker 2: Well, there was a tiny window.
[15:52] Speaker 1: We're chucking.
[15:54] Speaker 2: It had a tiny opening.
[15:56] Speaker 1: What?
[15:58] Speaker 2: It's high. Yeah. So I have to climb up onto
[16:00] Speaker 2: the toilet.
[16:01] Speaker 1: Of course.
[16:02] Speaker 2: Remember, I'm not sane of mind.
[16:03] Speaker 1: No, no, no, no.
[16:04] Speaker 2: She's had too many Pepsi Maxes.
[16:06] Speaker 1: Yes.
[16:06] Speaker 2: And I'm climbing up and I open the window. It's
[16:09] Speaker 2: the middle of winter. Shove it down. Thumb out a
[16:12] Speaker 2: pooey tea towel.
[16:13] Speaker 4: Yep.
[16:14] Speaker 1: Yep.
[16:14] Speaker 2: Smearing God knows what weird. God knows what. Get it out. Yeah.
[16:17] Speaker 2: It's flown into the London wind. Like Mary Bloody Poppins.
[16:21] Speaker 2: Off it goes.
[16:23] Speaker 1: Oh, no.
[16:24] Speaker 2: Oh, the people below. Well, I don't know what's out
[16:27] Speaker 2: that window.
[16:27] Speaker 1: No, it doesn't matter. It's not your problem anymore?
[16:30] Speaker 2: No, it's not. I just love that.
[16:31] Speaker 1: I love that kind of like thinking where you're like,
[16:33] Speaker 1: not my fucking problem anymore.
[16:35] Speaker 2: I've survived. How are they going to trace this back
[16:37] Speaker 2: to me? Prove it.
[16:38] Speaker 1: Exactly.
[16:39] Speaker 2: It's like when you say on movies, the goodies have
[16:41] Speaker 2: to kill a baddie just to survive. That's what it
[16:43] Speaker 2: felt like. It's like I did what it took to survive.
[16:46] Speaker 1: Yeah. Was it wrong? Maybe. I did what I needed
[16:49] Speaker 1: to do.
[16:50] Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well, problem solved. Thank you. We've all averted.
[16:55] Speaker 2: Fresh anus. Yep, fresh anus.
[16:57] Speaker 1: Teatail dealt with.
[16:59] Speaker 2: Can we just say, like, you deserve that.
[17:01] Speaker 1: What?
[17:01] Speaker 3: You and your fear of bulk toilet paper. Yeah, actually. No,
[17:06] Speaker 3: you're victim blaming. Yes, you deserve a toilet paper crisis.
[17:09] Speaker 2: I'm going to say it.
[17:09] Speaker 1: I actually think so as well. This would never happen
[17:11] Speaker 1: if you bought in bulk because it would always be
[17:13] Speaker 1: a roll.
[17:13] Speaker 2: I never run out. As someone who buys at least
[17:17] Speaker 2: 12 at a time. I don't run out of my–
[17:20] Speaker 2: I wasn't at my house.
[17:21] Speaker 1: This is bullshit. It's karma. Yeah, it's not about that.
[17:25] Speaker 1: It is karma.
[17:25] Speaker 2: Oh, no. You gang up bitches.
[17:28] Speaker 1: You gang up bitch.
[17:29] Speaker 2: You fucking fuck.
[17:32] Speaker 1: Oh.
[17:35] Speaker 2: I went back into that room.
[17:36] Speaker 4: Yeah.
[17:37] Speaker 2: Got back into some sweet, sweet loving.
[17:38] Speaker 1: Wait. Sorry. I don't know why.
[17:41] Speaker 2: It's just I feel like when you've dealt with shit,
[17:44] Speaker 2: we're no longer fucking.
[17:46] Speaker 1: For me personally, this is a thing, like if I've
[17:48] Speaker 1: got a poop emergency, I'm not immediately back in the
[17:51] Speaker 1: room and like horny and ready to go.
[17:54] Speaker 2: But maybe I'm a prude.
[17:56] Speaker 1: Well. Or a pood.
[18:00] Speaker 2: I just felt like, I don't know, I felt like
[18:02] Speaker 2: a feral alley cat, okay?
[18:03] Speaker 3: It just felt like, I guess maybe that is the
[18:06] Speaker 3: let it be messy part of me.
[18:07] Speaker 1: And maybe it is as well that feeling you get
[18:09] Speaker 1: when you're like, got away with it too. You know
[18:11] Speaker 1: what I mean?
[18:12] Speaker 2: Yeah. Disaster averted, got away with it. Yeah.
[18:14] Speaker 1: Holy moly. Can't believe it.
[18:18] Speaker 2: I'm still friends with that guy. I haven't told him
[18:20] Speaker 2: I'm talking about him on here. That's all.
[18:22] Speaker 1: We'll deal with that later. I don't know. I feel
[18:26] Speaker 1: like everyone, now that they've seen that season three out,
[18:29] Speaker 1: everyone that's crossed your sexual path is like, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da.
[18:34] Speaker 1: I know.
[18:34] Speaker 2: It's like, don't worry, we're not using names.
[18:36] Speaker 1: Yeah. No, not at all.
[18:38] Speaker 2: Sorry about the person who had to clean up that yard.
[18:40] Speaker 3: I remember the day that they were all leaving that
[18:43] Speaker 3: flat and they were doing a big– What do they
[18:46] Speaker 3: call it?
[18:46] Speaker 2: Cleaning bee? Yeah, working bee. Working bee. Spelling bee, not
[18:49] Speaker 2: a spelling bee.
[18:51] Speaker 1: Oh, they had to leave the flat, but for some
[18:52] Speaker 1: reason they started spelling out really difficult words and seeing
[18:54] Speaker 1: who was the best at it.
[18:57] Speaker 2: We're a working bee.
[18:58] Speaker 3: And they kind of put in the like Kiwi and
[18:59] Speaker 3: London group chat, like anybody free, come and help. We've
[19:02] Speaker 3: got to clean up the yard to get our bond back.
[19:04] Speaker 2: And I thought, oh.
[19:05] Speaker 1: There's a poopy teat out there. There's a poopy teat out.
[19:08] Speaker 2: No, that's gone. You just have to assume it was
[19:10] Speaker 2: blown away in the London wind. It's fine. It was winter.
[19:13] Speaker 1: It's gone. Okay.
[19:15] Speaker 2: Coven under snow. Don't worry about it.
[19:16] Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
[19:17] Speaker 2: Just don't worry about it. Don't ever think about it again. Okay,
[19:19] Speaker 2: thank you. Don't ever worry about it.
[19:20] Speaker 3: Okay, as long as nobody ever brings the story out
[19:22] Speaker 3: once they hear it out in the world.
[19:23] Speaker 2: Well, thank God we're not recording it into a popular podcast.
[19:26] Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right.
[19:27] Speaker 2: You know?
[19:27] Speaker 1: Indeed.
[19:28] Speaker 2: The story lives and dies with you and whoever is
[19:30] Speaker 2: listening now.
[19:30] Speaker 1: Okay, great.
[19:33] Speaker 3: So I was quite determined not to get into a relationship,
[19:36] Speaker 3: you know, because I'd just come out of that long-term
[19:37] Speaker 3: relationship in New Zealand. I'd be over there to become
[19:40] Speaker 3: like footloose and fancy-free.
[19:42] Speaker 2: Okay.
[19:42] Speaker 3: But I just realized that I actually wasn't that good
[19:45] Speaker 3: at one-night stands at this point in my life.
[19:47] Speaker 1: Oh, my God. I wish I knew. You know, I
[19:49] Speaker 1: was so good at them.
[19:50] Speaker 2: Well, okay.
[19:51] Speaker 1: Skite. That's what you do is you turn up and
[19:53] Speaker 1: then you leave.
[19:54] Speaker 3: Yeah, but the thing is what I've learned about myself
[19:57] Speaker 3: and I may be like now reflecting is like verging
[19:59] Speaker 3: on demisexuality, which is I really need an emotional connection
[20:02] Speaker 3: to feel something, feel like.
[20:04] Speaker 2: I can bear my intimate bits. Yes.
[20:06] Speaker 3: I mean, I could snog, I could get eaten out,
[20:09] Speaker 3: but like the actual PNV couldn't do.
[20:11] Speaker 2: Yeah, right.
[20:13] Speaker 3: And I tried so hard in London. I went out
[20:15] Speaker 3: with the girlfriends one weekend. We like met this group
[20:18] Speaker 3: of guys. One of them was a magician. He kept, like,
[20:21] Speaker 3: taking his thumb off.
[20:22] Speaker 1: For fuck's sake. Sorry.
[20:23] Speaker 2: I just have a personal aversion to them.
[20:25] Speaker 1: Oh, well. I know. Okay. I know. Well, anyway.
[20:29] Speaker 2: I feel like they're going to mentalise me.
[20:31] Speaker 1: Ah, right.
[20:32] Speaker 3: Well, to me, I think I had a similar reaction
[20:34] Speaker 3: like I do with, at the time, radio DJs.
[20:36] Speaker 2: Like, ooh.
[20:37] Speaker 1: Oh, how curious.
[20:37] Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
[20:38] Speaker 1: You were famous.
[20:39] Speaker 2: Yeah, right. He wasn't, like, famous. He had just this
[20:41] Speaker 2: stupid rubber thumb that was coming on and off. Impressive. Anyway,
[20:44] Speaker 2: so I took him home.
[20:45] Speaker 1: Did he go like this?
[20:47] Speaker 2: And then you were home?
[20:47] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[20:50] Speaker 2: I wish we didn't have to go on the bloody
[20:51] Speaker 2: London Tube.
[20:52] Speaker 4: Oh, yeah.
[20:53] Speaker 3: I went home to my girlfriend's place. She took home
[20:55] Speaker 3: his friend. We all went home together.
[20:57] Speaker 1: I love those days.
[20:58] Speaker 2: It's the best. Which one do you want? Oh, my God.
[21:03] Speaker 3: As soon as we got home, I was like, oh,
[21:05] Speaker 3: I don't want him anymore. So I said, I'm sorry,
[21:08] Speaker 3: I'm a virgin.
[21:09] Speaker 1: You could have literally said anything else. What an odd
[21:15] Speaker 1: thing to say.
[21:16] Speaker 2: It just felt like. That would stop it. It felt realistic.
[21:21] Speaker 1: It's so funny because Morgan now would be like, oh, hey, actually,
[21:23] Speaker 1: I'm really sorry, but I'm not. I'm actually not in
[21:25] Speaker 1: the mood for this at all.
[21:26] Speaker 2: Yeah. Sorry I've made you come all this way. Exactly.
[21:28] Speaker 2: I'm happy to get you a tube back. No, I
[21:31] Speaker 2: wouldn't even offer that.
[21:31] Speaker 3: I'd just say thanks for the experience of coming here
[21:35] Speaker 3: with me and it doesn't feel right for me in
[21:36] Speaker 3: this moment and have a nice life.
[21:39] Speaker 2: But no, this Morgan. How old are we at this point?
[21:41] Speaker 2: I'm like 27 in London. You're 27 at this point.
[21:43] Speaker 2: Come out of a five year relationship.
[21:45] Speaker 1: And you said I'm a virgin. Not that there's a
[21:47] Speaker 1: problem with being a virgin at 27, but it's just
[21:49] Speaker 1: not as common in the modern day.
[21:50] Speaker 2: And probably the way that I actually like elicited and
[21:54] Speaker 2: flirted and brought him home.
[21:56] Speaker 1: You don't give big virgin. That's what I'm going to say.
[21:59] Speaker 1: And I doubt you ever have, but that's okay. And
[22:02] Speaker 1: how did he respond?
[22:03] Speaker 2: He was like, oh, my God, you're such a little honey. Oh,
[22:06] Speaker 2: you're such a sweetie.
[22:08] Speaker 1: I hate that.
[22:08] Speaker 2: I'll look after you.
[22:09] Speaker 1: I hate all that.
[22:10] Speaker 2: It's all right, darling.
[22:11] Speaker 1: Oh, fuck, I hate that.
[22:13] Speaker 2: And I was just like, okay, all right, well, I'll
[22:15] Speaker 2: just go to the bathroom. And I left.
[22:18] Speaker 1: You just left.
[22:19] Speaker 2: I left the house, got on the tube, went back
[22:20] Speaker 2: to my house.
[22:22] Speaker 1: Now, should we just– it's so wild. You're 27 at
[22:24] Speaker 1: that point. This is like, what, 12 years ago. You–
[22:32] Speaker 1: are an amazing communicator now. And I keep coming back
[22:34] Speaker 1: to this about how we're already at 27. We've followed
[22:37] Speaker 1: you from 14 to 27 in this podcast so far.
[22:40] Speaker 1: This whole time you've been a pretty terrible communicator. Absolutely abhorrent. Leaving, ditching,
[22:46] Speaker 1: running away, singing, saying weird things instead of the real thing, lying. Yeah.
[22:52] Speaker 2: She couldn't say no.
[22:53] Speaker 1: How do we get to 27 to 39 and where
[22:56] Speaker 1: we are now anyway?
[22:58] Speaker 2: Big growth. Some massive personal growth.
[23:00] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[23:01] Speaker 2: And learning and upskilling. Okay, so I'm a virgin.
[23:03] Speaker 1: I need to pee.
[23:05] Speaker 2: Jokes. I'm in a taxi. Lol. Arrivederci.
[23:07] Speaker 1: Arrivederci. I'm home now. And what did your friend say
[23:10] Speaker 1: the next morning? Where the fuck did you go?
[23:11] Speaker 2: So this is naughty, right?
[23:12] Speaker 3: Like that's actually very dangerous of me to leave my
[23:15] Speaker 3: friend in her house with now two men that we
[23:19] Speaker 3: don't know that we just like brought home for the night.
[23:21] Speaker 2: Didn't even think about it. No, of course not. Yeah,
[23:24] Speaker 2: she was like, what the fuck? But we have lulled
[23:27] Speaker 2: about that a lot since because it's just ridiculous. But
[23:31] Speaker 2: I was just trying to get my groove, I think,
[23:33] Speaker 2: you know, in the UK. And, like, G.I.
[23:35] Speaker 3: Joe was still spending a lot of time contacting me,
[23:38] Speaker 3: reaching out.
[23:39] Speaker 2: I had my first.
[23:39] Speaker 3: Christmas in the UK. And he sent me this giant
[23:45] Speaker 3: pregnancy pillow. You know those massive big U-shaped– it wraps
[23:49] Speaker 3: right around you.
[23:50] Speaker 2: They're amazing.
[23:51] Speaker 1: Yes. Yes.
[23:53] Speaker 3: And I loved it. And I was like, this is
[23:55] Speaker 3: the greatest thing. But on reflection, I'm like, this guy
[23:58] Speaker 3: was like filling my bed.
[24:00] Speaker 2: Yeah. So that nobody else did.
[24:02] Speaker 4: Yeah.
[24:02] Speaker 2: But he gave me a snuggle buddy. Yeah. You know?
[24:06] Speaker 4: Yeah.
[24:07] Speaker 2: I'm going to get a human one, but thank you.
[24:08] Speaker 2: I was like, oh, shit.
[24:11] Speaker 3: So we're still in comms and things like that, which
[24:13] Speaker 3: was a comfort to me, I think, on some of
[24:15] Speaker 3: those lonely nights. I'd reach out to him and he
[24:17] Speaker 3: would be right there and available. I was doing this job. Oh, God.
[24:25] Speaker 2: Anyways, we don't need to go into the job.
[24:26] Speaker 1: Oh, wait, no, I need to hear.
[24:27] Speaker 2: It was a telco company. It was called Ask Bongo. Yeah.
[24:31] Speaker 3: You might have remembered it. It was here in New
[24:33] Speaker 3: Zealand as well. And you could text your name.
[24:36] Speaker 1: It's ringing bells. Yes.
[24:37] Speaker 2: Your name and your town.
[24:38] Speaker 1: Yes.
[24:39] Speaker 3: And it would reply back what Bongo, the magical monkey,
[24:42] Speaker 3: knows about you.
[24:43] Speaker 2: Fuck, I remember this. Yes. I was like a teenager. Yep.
[24:47] Speaker 1: Yep.
[24:48] Speaker 2: And you'd be like, how does it know? Because this
[24:50] Speaker 2: was before like social media.
[24:52] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[24:53] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[24:54] Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
[24:54] Speaker 2: Wait, can you reveal how Bongo knew? No, I can't.
[24:59] Speaker 1: Wow.
[25:00] Speaker 2: You bitch.
[25:02] Speaker 3: But I'll tell you what, what was so funny is
[25:03] Speaker 3: like people would message and every time Bongo sent a reply,
[25:06] Speaker 3: it was five pounds.
[25:07] Speaker 2: Yes, I know. It was absurdly expensive. And sometimes people
[25:10] Speaker 2: were like, fuck off, Bongo. And then there'd be another
[25:12] Speaker 2: five pounds.
[25:13] Speaker 1: You're like, I don't give a shit.
[25:14] Speaker 3: And the thing that people used to message like, hey, Bongo,
[25:17] Speaker 3: can I get pregnant from sperm on a toilet seat?
[25:20] Speaker 3: You know, this kind of stuff that I'd see coming in.
[25:22] Speaker 3: I was the marketing manager for this brand and I
[25:26] Speaker 3: led the street team like promotions. And so we were
[25:29] Speaker 3: travelling with like One Direction around the UK and we
[25:32] Speaker 3: had slap bands.
[25:33] Speaker 2: Oh, yes. That you'd slap.
[25:35] Speaker 3: Around the wrist, which had all the like text Bongo
[25:37] Speaker 3: to find out what Bongo knows about you.
[25:40] Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
[25:41] Speaker 2: This is such a blast from the past.
[25:42] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[25:43] Speaker 2: It was an absolutely ridiculous job.
[25:45] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[25:45] Speaker 3: But it meant that it took me to Scotland, to Ireland,
[25:48] Speaker 3: to Wales. I'd travel all around the place. And when
[25:52] Speaker 3: I was in Ireland, it was my favourite. And I
[25:54] Speaker 3: was like, I need to find myself a leprechaun.
[25:56] Speaker 1: I know.
[25:57] Speaker 2: Like, I simply must.
[25:58] Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
[25:59] Speaker 2: That accent. Dude, the devil of Dublin, eh? Jesus Christ.
[26:05] Speaker 3: So I'd hired my girlfriends to be part of the
[26:07] Speaker 3: promotional team, you know, to travel around with me because
[26:09] Speaker 3: everything was paid for, accommodation, meals.
[26:12] Speaker 2: Love. Travel expenses.
[26:14] Speaker 3: And so we'd hire out nice apartments, just like make
[26:17] Speaker 3: a life in places for two weeks at a time.
[26:20] Speaker 3: We're out there having a massive night and I met
[26:23] Speaker 3: this gorgeous Irishman out. And we didn't do much talking.
[26:27] Speaker 3: We just met on the dance floor and he told
[26:30] Speaker 3: me he worked at Ikea.
[26:32] Speaker 1: All right, mate.
[26:33] Speaker 2: Cool.
[26:34] Speaker 3: And we kept dancing and it was just a big
[26:36] Speaker 3: night and grinding. And then I like said, Come home
[26:40] Speaker 3: with me, you know, as you do.
[26:41] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[26:43] Speaker 3: But obviously I didn't want to fuck him, did I?
[26:44] Speaker 3: I just wanted to have his phoning. No, you famously don't.
[26:47] Speaker 2: Buddy.
[26:48] Speaker 4: No.
[26:49] Speaker 2: He's allowed to have a munch, but that's about it. Yeah, well,
[26:51] Speaker 2: I didn't even want a munch.
[26:52] Speaker 3: I just said, oh, my God, I'm so tired. Just
[26:54] Speaker 3: spoon me up. And I just remember, like, snaggling in. Like, oh,
[26:57] Speaker 3: my God, a leprechaun.
[26:58] Speaker 2: I've got one. Like, I've got the pot of gold.
[27:00] Speaker 2: This is the greatest thing.
[27:01] Speaker 1: Fuck yes.
[27:02] Speaker 2: In the morning, I wake up. He's already sitting up
[27:05] Speaker 2: watching me.
[27:06] Speaker 1: Okay. Unwell.
[27:08] Speaker 2: Good morning. He was like, good morning.
[27:11] Speaker 1: I knew she was going to try and do the XCNA, Rach.
[27:14] Speaker 1: I knew it.
[27:15] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[27:16] Speaker 1: Good morning. Nope.
[27:17] Speaker 2: Keep going. Keep going.
[27:20] Speaker 1: Sorry.
[27:20] Speaker 2: Apologies.
[27:21] Speaker 1: Sorry.
[27:21] Speaker 2: Just apologies to our Irish listeners.
[27:25] Speaker 1: Good morning. No.
[27:26] Speaker 2: Okay.
[27:27] Speaker 1: Okay.
[27:29] Speaker 2: The real issue here is that I had to say
[27:32] Speaker 2: to him, where's your Irish accent gone? Fuck off.
[27:36] Speaker 1: He's not Irish. No.
[27:37] Speaker 2: No. Oh, my God. Hang on. Where's your fucking Irish
[27:46] Speaker 2: accent gone?
[27:48] Speaker 1: Wait, did you misremember an Irish accent or was he
[27:51] Speaker 1: putting one on?
[27:53] Speaker 2: Column A, column B.
[27:54] Speaker 3: There's more to the story, but I think one, yes,
[27:58] Speaker 3: I was a drunk to a masseuse.
[28:00] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's okay. So, yes, I think I misheard
[28:02] Speaker 2: it a bit. Lots of liquor running through your sponge.
[28:04] Speaker 2: That's right. He's English. Oh, okay.
[28:08] Speaker 1: Well, that's all right.
[28:08] Speaker 2: I like a British accent. Can you say, good morning, darling?
[28:11] Speaker 2: Would you like a cup of tea?
[28:12] Speaker 1: Well, like, where's he from? I can only do like girls.
[28:16] Speaker 1: I love it. I'm immediately like, I'm a one.
[28:17] Speaker 2: On bloody Love Island. Oh, my God. No, not like that.
[28:20] Speaker 2: Is he like posh? The royals. Oh, like he's quite posh.
[28:23] Speaker 1: Good morning. Good morning. Morgan.
[28:27] Speaker 2: No, he doesn't know my name. What does he say?
[28:29] Speaker 1: Cup of tea.
[28:30] Speaker 2: Oh, good morning, Morgan. Would you like a cup of tea?
[28:32] Speaker 1: Yeah, there we go. Right.
[28:34] Speaker 2: Very posh. Very posh. I was very shook. Wait, if
[28:36] Speaker 2: he's posh though, he's obviously been raised with a bit
[28:39] Speaker 2: of money. Yeah, I don't even think about that. I
[28:43] Speaker 2: was just pissed off it wasn't a leprechaun. That's so
[28:45] Speaker 2: disappointing when you do expect an Irish accent and it's
[28:47] Speaker 2: just a posh little British boy. I know. Okay, so
[28:50] Speaker 2: you said, where's your accent gone? He was like, it
[28:52] Speaker 2: was never there. He was like, what? No. And I
[28:54] Speaker 2: was like, okay, righto. But he was lovely.
[28:57] Speaker 1: He did.
[28:58] Speaker 2: He made me a cup of tea. We sat there
[28:59] Speaker 2: and got over our hangovers. Then we went for a walk.
[29:01] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[29:02] Speaker 2: Took me out for brunch. Oh, nice. Nice.
[29:04] Speaker 3: And I was asking him more like, well, what's an
[29:06] Speaker 3: English guy like you doing over here? And he was
[29:08] Speaker 3: very shady, very shifty about answering my things. He said
[29:12] Speaker 3: he just wanted a experience after, you know, study and,
[29:17] Speaker 3: you know, and he was so ripped.
[29:19] Speaker 2: Like he was unbelievably ripped. Almost like too ripped though, but.
[29:22] Speaker 1: Like skinny ripped. Yeah, super lean.
[29:25] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. Like nothing to grab onto.
[29:27] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[29:28] Speaker 2: Yeah, like rock hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we like
[29:31] Speaker 2: a bit more beef. We love beef. Yeah, like fat
[29:34] Speaker 2: on top of the muscle. Yeah, yeah.
[29:37] Speaker 1: Oh my God. Don't get shredded. Nah.
[29:39] Speaker 2: If you're trying to impress me. Yeah, or me. Don't
[29:42] Speaker 2: get shredded. Yeah. can get shredded If you want to
[29:44] Speaker 2: impress Rachel though Get.
[29:46] Speaker 1: You want shreddies No I like skinny boys Oh you're
[29:49] Speaker 1: a skinny boy I used to when I was like
[29:51] Speaker 1: Growing up But now Beefy Meaty No Chunkies The.
[29:55] Speaker 2: Fatter, the better.
[29:56] Speaker 1: Yeah, like meat.
[29:57] Speaker 2: Narrow bones, like. No, yeah. That's because she's a vegan.
[30:01] Speaker 2: That's why she likes the skinny ones. She does. There's
[30:03] Speaker 2: like meat on the bones.
[30:03] Speaker 1: We love meat through and through. I remember I used
[30:06] Speaker 1: to have sex with a guy when I was like
[30:08] Speaker 1: 19 and 20, and he was so skinny. He used
[30:10] Speaker 1: to always have bruised inner thighs from his hip bones
[30:13] Speaker 1: when we'd share. Like that's, he was so skinny.
[30:16] Speaker 2: And I would always have like bruised from the banging
[30:18] Speaker 2: of his hip bones and my inner thighs. Holy hell.
[30:20] Speaker 2: Now I'm like, I want meat slaps.
[30:22] Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Meat flaps on the
[30:24] Speaker 1: meat slab. I want his meat slapping against my meat.
[30:27] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
[30:28] Speaker 3: I said to him, I was like, well, you are
[30:30] Speaker 3: so ripped. And he's like, well, yeah, I kind of
[30:31] Speaker 3: have to for the job. And I was like, fuck, what?
[30:34] Speaker 3: Like for your bloody picking up all your flat packs
[30:37] Speaker 3: at Ikea? And he was like, oh, no, I mean, like,
[30:40] Speaker 3: I just, you know, got to keep strong.
[30:42] Speaker 2: I was like, okay, whatever. Anyways, went home.
[30:45] Speaker 4: Shady.
[30:45] Speaker 2: Telling the girls. I was like, I think it's a bit,
[30:48] Speaker 2: there's something a bit fishy.
[30:49] Speaker 1: Like, it's a bit weird.
[30:50] Speaker 2: I don't think, like, it's hot and, like, lovely, but
[30:52] Speaker 2: I don't think, you know.
[30:53] Speaker 1: Yeah. Did you exchange numbers?
[30:55] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, totally. And he asked me out for dinner
[30:59] Speaker 2: the next night.
[30:59] Speaker 1: Oh, that's nice.
[31:00] Speaker 2: And I thought, oh, well, you know, fine. It's gotten
[31:02] Speaker 2: on well enough. I may as well go out. Picked
[31:05] Speaker 2: me up.
[31:06] Speaker 1: Oh, he's got a car.
[31:07] Speaker 2: He's got a car. Well, that's nice. Went to open
[31:09] Speaker 2: the car door for me.
[31:10] Speaker 1: Oh, what a gentleman.
[31:11] Speaker 2: Exactly. And I said, I can open my own car door.
[31:15] Speaker 1: Oh, there's the feminist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah.
[31:18] Speaker 2: And he was like, okay then, after you. Yeah. And
[31:22] Speaker 2: I go to open this fucking door and I can't. Oh,
[31:25] Speaker 2: my God, you can't open it. How fucking embarrassing. Excuse me.
[31:29] Speaker 2: I can actually open my own car door.
[31:31] Speaker 1: Why?
[31:32] Speaker 2: Why couldn't you open it?
[31:33] Speaker 1: Special door.
[31:34] Speaker 2: Don't tell me it's a fucking Lamborghini and the doors go.
[31:37] Speaker 1: Up and not out.
[31:38] Speaker 2: No, it was just so heavy. The door was so heavy.
[31:42] Speaker 1: Oh my God, you are. You are a weak woman.
[31:44] Speaker 2: I am not a weak woman! A weak, meek woman
[31:47] Speaker 2: who needs a man to open up her car door. No,
[31:50] Speaker 2: he said, let me get that for you. Hop in
[31:52] Speaker 2: the car. I've got something to tell you.
[31:54] Speaker 1: I've got chlamydia. Well, it just feels like when you put...
[31:57] Speaker 1: Oh no, you haven't peed in Vade. No, but it
[31:59] Speaker 1: was just... I was thinking, oh my God, what is
[32:01] Speaker 1: going on? So he opens the door.
[32:02] Speaker 2: I sit in.
[32:03] Speaker 3: I'm feeling a bit like... And he goes, this is
[32:07] Speaker 3: an armoured vehicle.
[32:11] Speaker 2: Who the fuck is this? What is this, James Bond?
[32:15] Speaker 2: What the? And I said, is that why I couldn't
[32:17] Speaker 2: open the door? He said, yes.
[32:18] Speaker 3: And I go, okay, what else is magic about this
[32:21] Speaker 3: car then? Like not really believing him? And he goes,
[32:23] Speaker 3: try and take the headrest off. So I'd reach around,
[32:26] Speaker 3: grab the headrest and it literally falls. Like as soon
[32:29] Speaker 3: as I pick it up, it falls because it's so heavy.
[32:32] Speaker 2: It's a weapon. It's bulletproof. So if there's Bullets in
[32:35] Speaker 2: the back of the head. Who is this man? What
[32:40] Speaker 2: does he do?
[32:41] Speaker 1: So I.
[32:43] Speaker 2: Just go, okay, like, you're either a drug dealer.
[32:45] Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
[32:46] Speaker 2: And he goes, no, I work for the special forces.
[32:49] Speaker 2: I'm undercover here. Fuck off. Fuck off. No.
[32:55] Speaker 1: Wait, what?
[32:57] Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.
[32:59] Speaker 1: Hot, eh? Hot!
[33:01] Speaker 2: This.
[33:02] Speaker 1: It is so hot.
[33:04] Speaker 2: I know.
[33:05] Speaker 1: If I ever hooked up with a guy and then
[33:07] Speaker 1: he was like, okay, I've got to tell you something.
[33:09] Speaker 1: This is a bulletproof vehicle. I work in the armed forces.
[33:11] Speaker 1: I'd be like, blah, blah, blah.
[33:13] Speaker 2: I know.
[33:14] Speaker 3: Like my Belfast life just became that much more juicy.
[33:17] Speaker 3: I was just like doe-eyed to him from then on.
[33:22] Speaker 3: I was just like, oh my God.
[33:23] Speaker 1: Okay, so okay, okay, okay. So where's this secret agent
[33:28] Speaker 1: taking you? This is the horniest thing. This is like
[33:31] Speaker 1: a fucking smart book, right?
[33:33] Speaker 2: True. Met a guy on the dance floor.
[33:35] Speaker 1: Take him home. He's a gentleman. Get in. I find
[33:37] Speaker 1: out he works in busting criminals. And his life is
[33:41] Speaker 1: constantly in danger. Yeah. And he loves little old me.
[33:45] Speaker 3: So this is then I go, so did you have
[33:48] Speaker 3: an Irish accent that night? And he said, yes, when
[33:50] Speaker 3: I approached you, I did have an Irish accent.
[33:53] Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
[33:54] Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
[33:56] Speaker 2: But as soon as he realised I was a Kiwi,
[33:58] Speaker 2: he was like, oh, she's fine. Oh, yeah, like you're
[34:01] Speaker 2: sort of no one.
[34:01] Speaker 1: You're not a local.
[34:02] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not affiliated to anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[34:07] Speaker 3: But he still obviously didn't tell me. He just checked
[34:09] Speaker 3: me out for that first full day. And then the
[34:12] Speaker 3: next day he told me.
[34:14] Speaker 2: This is hot, hot, hot.
[34:15] Speaker 1: I know. This is so hot. There are so many
[34:17] Speaker 1: women listening right now being like, I want that. That fantasy.
[34:23] Speaker 2: I know.
[34:24] Speaker 1: Okay, hot.
[34:25] Speaker 2: So he took me out. That's why he's so fucking jacked.
[34:27] Speaker 3: Yes.
[34:28] Speaker 1: He works at Ikea. Heavy flatbacks. I know. Oh, my God.
[34:34] Speaker 2: Yeah, man, he was fucking ripped.
[34:40] Speaker 3: So we went out for dinner and I just, I
[34:42] Speaker 3: was so horned up for him. I was playing footsies.
[34:46] Speaker 3: I was just like doing everything sexual. I was eating everything.
[34:51] Speaker 3: And then I think we were just building up. Like
[34:53] Speaker 3: we just knew it was like on.
[34:58] Speaker 2: Are you so ready for this? And we come out
[35:01] Speaker 2: of the pub.
[35:02] Speaker 3: And it's freezing and it's like just starting to snow.
[35:05] Speaker 3: Like this is the kind of stuff that it's like,
[35:07] Speaker 3: this is the smut book.
[35:09] Speaker 2: I didn't even realise. I didn't even realise.
[35:11] Speaker 1: I'm going to write this for you.
[35:13] Speaker 2: I think I'm writing it myself.
[35:15] Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, great.
[35:16] Speaker 2: We're walking along, starting to snow.
[35:19] Speaker 3: We're literally under a lamppost and he stops because I'm
[35:23] Speaker 3: like rubbing his arm and like getting all ready to like,
[35:25] Speaker 3: we're going home, right?
[35:27] Speaker 2: And he like stops.
[35:28] Speaker 3: He like looks at me and he just, the more
[35:30] Speaker 3: I'm reflecting on this over the season is the look
[35:33] Speaker 3: that men give you before they're going to do something.
[35:35] Speaker 4: Oh, yeah.
[35:37] Speaker 3: And he just looked at my face and the snow
[35:39] Speaker 3: starts like landing, like little snowflakes. And he starts kissing
[35:42] Speaker 3: wherever each little snowflake lands. My whole posse is just
[35:46] Speaker 3: like melting.
[35:47] Speaker 2: Oh, that's it. I'm like, I'm in love. I've done it.
[35:50] Speaker 2: I've found my new love. Miriam, get the visa.
[35:53] Speaker 3: And then we have this hot, hot, smooch in the snow,
[35:56] Speaker 3: which is literally like my dream. Like snow is so
[35:59] Speaker 3: magical to me.
[36:00] Speaker 2: This is so hot. I know.
[36:02] Speaker 3: And he's just like all around my face and neck
[36:07] Speaker 3: and like gripping and holding.
[36:08] Speaker 2: And he's like, shall we go home?
[36:10] Speaker 1: Okay.
[36:10] Speaker 2: I won't do those bits. I reckon we just leave
[36:12] Speaker 2: the accents. Do you know what I mean?
[36:13] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[36:13] Speaker 2: Okay.
[36:14] Speaker 1: Shall we go home?
[36:15] Speaker 2: Where's he from?
[36:17] Speaker 1: Deutschland.
[36:17] Speaker 2: Fucking Holland or something. Shall we go home? That's your
[36:25] Speaker 2: posh British accent? I'm not going to– I'm not. That's it.
[36:30] Speaker 2: I feel shy.
[36:31] Speaker 1: Well, you should.
[36:33] Speaker 2: Shall we go home?
[36:39] Speaker 1: Oh, my God. You have just laid out the hottest
[36:43] Speaker 1: fantasy for so many people listening. We're right there with you,
[36:47] Speaker 1: and you fuck it up. Shall we go home? Oh,
[36:50] Speaker 1: my God.
[36:50] Speaker 2: Oh, my God. Sorry about that quick shrivel of the boner,
[36:57] Speaker 2: everyone listening. Let's get it back. Okay. Back in the car.
[37:02] Speaker 1: Back in the fucking armoured vehicle.
[37:03] Speaker 2: Armoured vehicle.
[37:04] Speaker 3: And like being back in there, I'm just so horned
[37:06] Speaker 3: up again. So I start like rubbing his crotch. You know,
[37:09] Speaker 3: like leg crotch.
[37:11] Speaker 2: And he's like, I'll just say it in my normal
[37:14] Speaker 2: voice then. Yeah.
[37:15] Speaker 1: Okay.
[37:16] Speaker 2: He says, he's like, let's wait till we get home.
[37:19] Speaker 2: You know, I'm like, why? And he's like, it's a
[37:21] Speaker 2: work car. And I was like, Oh, no, he's a
[37:23] Speaker 2: good boy.
[37:24] Speaker 1: He's a good boy. I want a bad boy.
[37:26] Speaker 2: I know. We get home. It's all on. He's passionate.
[37:30] Speaker 2: He's loving. He's kissing every part of my body. And
[37:34] Speaker 2: then we start to have sex. It's posh sex.
[37:39] Speaker 1: Oh, what do you mean? Like it was.
[37:41] Speaker 2: What's posh? Is it? Oh, no. Like what? It was
[37:44] Speaker 2: just so like missionary.
[37:46] Speaker 1: No.
[37:46] Speaker 2: Okay. Which like. Oh, my God.
[37:49] Speaker 1: Fuck me, sir.
[37:50] Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
[37:51] Speaker 1: I know.
[37:52] Speaker 2: He was so sweet. He didn't know. He didn't know.
[37:56] Speaker 2: And I'd be like, oh, shit. Can we get a
[37:58] Speaker 2: bit more light?
[37:59] Speaker 3: Enthusiasm going on you know but I actually think that
[38:03] Speaker 3: this is sometimes a bit of a maybe this is
[38:06] Speaker 3: the defence force thing it's like they're very conditioned and
[38:09] Speaker 3: they're not meant to give much away you know.
[38:11] Speaker 1: Yeah oh I'm so disappointed it's okay hey we're okay
[38:16] Speaker 1: with a blasé fuck or like a little missionary fuck
[38:20] Speaker 1: well down the track like the.
[38:21] Speaker 2: First time we're gonna be tear me.
[38:23] Speaker 1: Apart a bit I know I know but you know
[38:26] Speaker 1: he'd be like oh Morgan Oh, Morgan, that feels so lovely. Oh, Morgan. Oh, Morgan.
[38:32] Speaker 1: Jolly good, jolly good fanny, Morgan. Top notch fanny.
[38:38] Speaker 2: Oh, no, Morgan.
[38:39] Speaker 3: I know, but do you know what? I just thought,
[38:42] Speaker 3: fuck this. I'm into this guy. This ain't going to
[38:44] Speaker 3: be the status quo.
[38:45] Speaker 2: Of our sex. Yeah, we can change this. So I
[38:47] Speaker 2: taught him how to let it be messy.
[38:49] Speaker 1: Throw me around a bit.
[38:50] Speaker 3: I really, really thought it was worth investing in the
[38:53] Speaker 3: school upgrade of this game.
[38:55] Speaker 1: Absolutely. Sex school.
[38:56] Speaker 2: Because we've got so much else going on, that's great. Exactly. Exactly.
[39:01] Speaker 2: So we did that.
[39:01] Speaker 1: It was great.
[39:03] Speaker 2: I became a well-fucked woman that night.
[39:04] Speaker 3: Right.
[39:05] Speaker 2: Great.
[39:06] Speaker 3: The next day, we decided, with me and my flatmates,
[39:09] Speaker 3: my friends, you know, that were in the apartment as well,
[39:12] Speaker 3: we all decided to go for a walk up Cave Hill,
[39:14] Speaker 3: which is a very famous big hill up in Belfast.
[39:18] Speaker 2: And I drive my work car. Mm-hmm.
[39:22] Speaker 3: And we'll get out. We're two-thirds of the way up
[39:25] Speaker 3: the hill. Is Secret Service with you?
[39:27] Speaker 1: Yep.
[39:27] Speaker 2: He's with us. He gets a phone call on his
[39:30] Speaker 2: cell phone.
[39:31] Speaker 1: Oh, my gosh.
[39:31] Speaker 2: It sounded very serious, but I couldn't make out at
[39:33] Speaker 2: all what he was talking about. Yeah. And he goes, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
[39:38] Speaker 2: And says weird stuff. I can't remember what it was.
[39:41] Speaker 3: And hang up the phone and goes, I'm so sorry,
[39:44] Speaker 3: but I've got to go.
[39:44] Speaker 1: Hot.
[39:45] Speaker 2: And I was like, what do you mean? He's like,
[39:47] Speaker 2: I've got to go. We'd driven like an hour out
[39:49] Speaker 2: to this hill, parked. We'd walked... about an hour and
[39:53] Speaker 2: a half up.
[39:53] Speaker 3: Shit.
[39:54] Speaker 2: And I was like, how are you getting out? He's like,
[39:56] Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, I've got to go. I'll call you later.
[39:58] Speaker 2: And he just starts running down the hill.
[40:00] Speaker 1: How's he getting back? I don't know. Chopper.
[40:02] Speaker 2: I don't know. Oh, my God. I don't know.
[40:06] Speaker 1: He just leaves.
[40:06] Speaker 2: He was just gone.
[40:07] Speaker 1: He didn't take your car keys?
[40:09] Speaker 2: No. No. He just left.
[40:11] Speaker 3: Okay.
[40:11] Speaker 2: And us three women were like, um.
[40:15] Speaker 1: What the fuck? What the fuck? It's so exciting.
[40:18] Speaker 2: It's so great. It's so exciting. What's happened?
[40:20] Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah.
[40:21] Speaker 1: Oh.
[40:22] Speaker 2: Then the next day, I hear from him and he
[40:24] Speaker 2: kind of, he doesn't tell me what's going on.
[40:26] Speaker 1: No, it's secret.
[40:27] Speaker 2: Yeah, it's secret, you're right, you're right.
[40:29] Speaker 3: But the next day, I wake up and I make
[40:31] Speaker 3: my coffee and on the news, there had been a shooting.
[40:35] Speaker 3: And that was like a big deal and I couldn't
[40:37] Speaker 3: really make it out. I was like, oh, this is
[40:38] Speaker 3: kind of weird and didn't realise. You know, I knew
[40:41] Speaker 3: a bit of the history of Belfast and the troubles
[40:43] Speaker 3: and the stuff that had kind of like gone on there.
[40:44] Speaker 2: Yes, yeah.
[40:46] Speaker 3: I get a call from him and he said, Hey,
[40:48] Speaker 3: if you can work from home today, you should, because
[40:50] Speaker 3: we're expecting like a retaliation to this prison guard that's
[40:53] Speaker 3: been killed.
[40:54] Speaker 2: It's a, you know, IRA thing. And I'm like, Oh
[40:58] Speaker 2: my God. Okay.
[40:59] Speaker 3: And I was like, all right, well, I'll see you
[41:00] Speaker 3: tonight for the pub quiz. He's like, no, I'm sorry.
[41:04] Speaker 3: Like it's not, it's not safe to be out tonight.
[41:07] Speaker 3: Like stay home.
[41:08] Speaker 1: And I was like, but the pub quiz, I know
[41:11] Speaker 1: I wanted the bloody I'm so good at the entertainment section.
[41:14] Speaker 2: You know, that's my special interest.
[41:17] Speaker 1: Oh my God.
[41:18] Speaker 2: Yeah. So my life was quite interesting.
[41:20] Speaker 1: Really interesting.
[41:21] Speaker 3: But then I'd only do two weeks at a time
[41:23] Speaker 3: in Belfast. Came back to London. He came to stay
[41:27] Speaker 3: with me in London a few times. And the first
[41:29] Speaker 3: time I decided to host drinks at my flat so
[41:32] Speaker 3: he could kind of meet my flatmates, get an understanding
[41:34] Speaker 3: of my London life.
[41:37] Speaker 2: And it was all fine.
[41:38] Speaker 3: Very, you know, nice just drinks at home until a
[41:42] Speaker 3: really drunk flatmate rolled in and got out the NOS canister.
[41:48] Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. Okay.
[41:48] Speaker 2: We've got a conflict of interest here.
[41:50] Speaker 4: Yes.
[41:50] Speaker 1: Yes.
[41:51] Speaker 2: And everybody's like, oh, yeah, getting in on that.
[41:53] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[41:54] Speaker 2: And he was so shook. He'd never seen it before.
[41:58] Speaker 1: Oh, wow. He's a good boy.
[41:59] Speaker 2: I don't know if it happens in England. I don't
[42:02] Speaker 2: know either.
[42:03] Speaker 1: Yeah, New Zealand has frosted it for a while. Yeah.
[42:06] Speaker 2: And then one thing led to another. The talk goes
[42:08] Speaker 2: around about doing a big bag order. Oh, God. And
[42:12] Speaker 2: I'm going. More Pepsi.
[42:12] Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
[42:14] Speaker 2: My boyfriend's in the Secret Service. Oh, my God. And
[42:17] Speaker 2: he was just like so shook.
[42:19] Speaker 3: And I literally had to take him like to the
[42:20] Speaker 3: bedroom to be like, don't worry about it. I'm not
[42:23] Speaker 3: into that. scene at all. Like, it's not my jam.
[42:26] Speaker 3: I was like, we don't have to go out. We'll
[42:28] Speaker 3: just stay here.
[42:30] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[42:30] Speaker 2: So we just stayed in the bedroom.
[42:32] Speaker 1: While people were doing drugs outside the door.
[42:35] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[42:35] Speaker 1: Okay.
[42:36] Speaker 3: I didn't mind. I think people can make their choices
[42:39] Speaker 3: and do whatever they want to do.
[42:41] Speaker 2: I don't mind, you know.
[42:41] Speaker 3: And just because I wasn't really indulging doesn't mean that
[42:44] Speaker 3: I didn't get on board and have fun and drink and,
[42:47] Speaker 3: you know.
[42:48] Speaker 2: But he was just shell-shocked.
[42:51] Speaker 1: Wow. Wow.
[42:51] Speaker 3: So that's okay, but I definitely clocked that as a
[42:54] Speaker 3: moment of like– Our lives might– yeah.
[42:57] Speaker 2: Yeah. And then the next time I was back in Belfast.
[43:00] Speaker 3: We were in bed having our morning ritual of a
[43:02] Speaker 3: cup of tea, and I was checking my– It got better.
[43:05] Speaker 2: It's gotten better.
[43:06] Speaker 1: Thank you. Yeah. No, no, no.
[43:08] Speaker 2: It's still bad.
[43:09] Speaker 1: Sorry.
[43:10] Speaker 2: I felt that– I think she took that too far,
[43:11] Speaker 2: that compliment. Yeah. It's just gotten better. A cup of tea. Yeah.
[43:15] Speaker 1: Okay. And worse.
[43:17] Speaker 2: Okay.
[43:17] Speaker 1: Okay.
[43:18] Speaker 3: And I'm checking my work emails– And Bongo wants me
[43:21] Speaker 3: to go to Germany.
[43:23] Speaker 1: I forget about Bongo.
[43:24] Speaker 2: Never forget about Bongo.
[43:26] Speaker 1: Never forget about Bongo.
[43:27] Speaker 3: Bongo wants me to go to Germany. The company had
[43:30] Speaker 3: bought a telco company in Germany. They wanted me to
[43:32] Speaker 3: go there, do the deal, see what I could roll out,
[43:36] Speaker 3: like what I'd done in the UK. So I'm going, fuck,
[43:39] Speaker 3: I've never heard of that place. I'm looking on Google Maps.
[43:43] Speaker 2: Never heard of Germany.
[43:44] Speaker 1: Quite a rich history.
[43:46] Speaker 2: I have heard of Chamonix. I just have not. So, yeah,
[43:50] Speaker 2: they were quite, yeah. So the Second World War, there was.
[43:55] Speaker 3: Yeah, look, I actually studied history, okay, so I actually
[43:58] Speaker 3: know damn well about Hitler.
[44:00] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[44:01] Speaker 2: But I had not heard about Cologne. Cologne? Yeah, have
[44:05] Speaker 2: you heard of Cologne? Yeah, well, it's the place where
[44:07] Speaker 2: Cologne was originated. I don't think that's true.
[44:11] Speaker 1: Yeah, Cologne is like, it's like Champagne.
[44:14] Speaker 2: Champagne is named after the Champagne region. Cologne is named
[44:17] Speaker 2: after Cologne. Oh, is that why all the noses live there? Yes,
[44:20] Speaker 2: the big honk is there. Anyways, that's what I'm Google mapping, Cologne.
[44:27] Speaker 2: Whereabouts in Germany is it?
[44:29] Speaker 1: Yeah, Germany.
[44:31] Speaker 3: And my Special Forces boyfriend says, oh, that's right next
[44:37] Speaker 3: to where I did my training training. And I said,
[44:40] Speaker 3: in Germany? And he goes, yeah, and he points to
[44:43] Speaker 3: this place. And it kind of looks familiar. And I said,
[44:46] Speaker 3: can you say that name? And he says, Mönchengladbach. And
[44:50] Speaker 3: I said, that's where my uncle did his, like, he
[44:52] Speaker 3: was in the Royal Air Force.
[44:54] Speaker 4: Oh.
[44:54] Speaker 2: And that's where he did his training. Okay, Mönchengladbach.
[44:57] Speaker 3: And he died when he was 23 there.
[45:02] Speaker 2: Driving or whatever it's called, flying.
[45:04] Speaker 1: Flying.
[45:05] Speaker 2: A fighter jet.
[45:06] Speaker 1: Oh, my gosh. Oh, that's awful. And he was.
[45:09] Speaker 3: Like, that's incredible. He's like, yeah, they've got a big
[45:12] Speaker 3: military grave site there. And he's like, you're going to
[45:15] Speaker 3: be so close.
[45:16] Speaker 1: You should go.
[45:16] Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, my God.
[45:19] Speaker 1: I don't know.
[45:19] Speaker 2: I don't know. He's like, do you know, like, all
[45:21] Speaker 2: the details about your uncle?
[45:22] Speaker 3: And I was like, I could probably get them. I
[45:25] Speaker 3: don't really know, like, when he died or anything like that.
[45:27] Speaker 3: He's like, well, get that information. I'll see if I
[45:29] Speaker 3: can find him.
[45:30] Speaker 1: Wow.
[45:31] Speaker 3: So, like, contacted my grandma and got all the deets.
[45:33] Speaker 3: And then, yeah, I gave them to him. And then
[45:35] Speaker 3: two days later he called me. He's like, yeah, I
[45:36] Speaker 3: found him. And if you can get there, I'll have
[45:41] Speaker 3: someone meet.
[45:42] Speaker 2: You and look after you. What a small world.
[45:45] Speaker 3: Honestly, I guess this is the thing why I wonder
[45:48] Speaker 3: about serendipity and things that are more magical than what
[45:52] Speaker 3: you think.
[45:53] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[45:54] Speaker 2: I don't know, that's fucking weird, isn't it?
[45:56] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[45:56] Speaker 2: Like what a coincidence.
[45:57] Speaker 1: I just find your uncle and you just happen to
[46:00] Speaker 1: be going there and I'm here. Yeah, yeah.
[46:02] Speaker 2: It's odd. Like it's wild. But I did.
[46:05] Speaker 3: I went to Germany and the beautiful people that I
[46:08] Speaker 3: was working with there drove me like an hour and
[46:11] Speaker 3: a half to this place. I was met by this
[46:14] Speaker 3: army vehicle, this commander. He escorted us down this driveway.
[46:19] Speaker 2: Wow.
[46:19] Speaker 3: Into this graveyard, took me to exactly where it was.
[46:23] Speaker 3: stood as if protecting me so I could be with
[46:26] Speaker 3: the grave and spend as much time as I wanted
[46:29] Speaker 3: and then drove us out.
[46:31] Speaker 2: That's wild. I know. I know. Amazing, eh?
[46:35] Speaker 4: Yeah.
[46:35] Speaker 3: And I really felt so much for this guy after
[46:38] Speaker 3: that because that was like such a gift.
[46:41] Speaker 2: Didn't have to do that, did he? It meant so much.
[46:44] Speaker 2: He was really showing up for me. Yeah.
[46:46] Speaker 3: You know, he really cared and But I also, I
[46:49] Speaker 3: think at that point I'd been in London for about
[46:51] Speaker 3: a year and I was starting to realise, I don't
[46:53] Speaker 3: think this is going to work. I've only got another
[46:55] Speaker 3: year left in London and we're kind of doing this
[46:58] Speaker 3: weird long distance-y thing. He was probably going to be
[47:02] Speaker 3: deployed to Iraq.
[47:03] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[47:03] Speaker 3: And it was just this sort of a moment in
[47:06] Speaker 3: time where if the alignment had been there for us,
[47:09] Speaker 3: I think we could have been something really good.
[47:12] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[47:12] Speaker 2: But we were more like ships in a night. The timing...
[47:15] Speaker 2: didn't align.
[47:16] Speaker 1: Wow what a shame because honestly hot do you know
[47:20] Speaker 1: what I mean I know I know you're looking for
[47:23] Speaker 1: love but also hot when your boyfriend your big jacked
[47:25] Speaker 1: boyfriend is kissing you in the snow and driving you
[47:28] Speaker 1: around in an armoured vehicle and then taking phone calls
[47:30] Speaker 1: and be like bye and running down a hill with
[47:31] Speaker 1: no fucking idea where he's going and how he's getting there.
[47:33] Speaker 2: I know I know like I literally felt bulletproof when
[47:37] Speaker 2: I was with him like I know that's quite weird
[47:39] Speaker 2: but like you know so how did you end it
[47:42] Speaker 2: we just had a discussion we just said like you
[47:44] Speaker 2: know what's the point yeah.
[47:51] Speaker 3: And so, yeah, we ended. We still stayed in contact
[47:53] Speaker 3: for a bit. He'd send me like gym selfies.
[47:56] Speaker 2: I'm like, great. But yeah, I was pretty gutted.
[47:59] Speaker 3: But then I was heading back to New Zealand for
[48:03] Speaker 3: one of my best friend's wedding. The one who was
[48:05] Speaker 3: actually in the tent the night that G.I.
[48:07] Speaker 2: Joe munched me out. Yeah. So I was the munch
[48:12] Speaker 2: of honour.
[48:13] Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
[48:14] Speaker 2: Okay, I don't know why I said that. I hate it.
[48:15] Speaker 1: I hate it.
[48:17] Speaker 2: I was a maid of honour.
[48:18] Speaker 1: Yeah, that'll do.
[48:19] Speaker 2: Okay. And I knew G.I. Joe was coming back from
[48:22] Speaker 2: Aussie for this wedding as well.
[48:26] Speaker 3: And he made it very known that he was very
[48:29] Speaker 3: excited to see me.
[48:31] Speaker 1: Yeah. Did he know about Secret Service's?
[48:35] Speaker 2: Yes, I told him like little bits.
[48:37] Speaker 3: He didn't know how serious it was because I think
[48:40] Speaker 3: I was still using him as a safety blanket.
[48:42] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[48:43] Speaker 3: When I go back to New Zealand, we caught up
[48:46] Speaker 3: and I was instantly like, oh my God, he's still
[48:48] Speaker 3: hot and like felt something.
[48:50] Speaker 2: You know.
[48:52] Speaker 3: And he told me that he was like so sorry,
[48:55] Speaker 3: you know, and that we should have never ended.
[48:57] Speaker 2: He was sorry about how we ended.
[49:00] Speaker 1: Well, just not inviting you.
[49:01] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. And he, well, yes, there is.
[49:06] Speaker 1: Just making huge life plans without considering you.
[49:08] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[49:09] Speaker 3: He said that he kind of planned to get there,
[49:14] Speaker 3: because you know how he moved to Wellington for me.
[49:17] Speaker 3: He was thinking that he would get there, set up.
[49:20] Speaker 2: A life, and then I would come over. I mean,
[49:22] Speaker 2: if only he had communicated that.
[49:23] Speaker 1: Though.
[49:24] Speaker 2: Yes.
[49:25] Speaker 1: You know, if only at any point that would have
[49:27] Speaker 1: been made clear rather than just, oh, what? Fucking hell.
[49:34] Speaker 2: I know. And, you know, I could have asked, but
[49:36] Speaker 2: I didn't either. You both of you fucked up. We
[49:38] Speaker 2: were shit. We were both so shit.
[49:39] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[49:41] Speaker 3: And he said that once he saw me in London–
[49:43] Speaker 3: like living my best life, he knew that he couldn't
[49:46] Speaker 3: actually come to me with that anymore, you know, which
[49:50] Speaker 3: I'm so glad he didn't because, oh, my God, I'm
[49:52] Speaker 3: just thinking how grim my life would have been if
[49:54] Speaker 3: I'd gone and done that.
[49:55] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[49:57] Speaker 2: But it was nice.
[49:58] Speaker 3: It felt like, oh, God, yes, it's a bit of closure,
[50:00] Speaker 3: you know, like he actually did want me there.
[50:02] Speaker 2: Yeah. But I don't think he did. No. Don't say
[50:07] Speaker 2: it like you think you know.
[50:08] Speaker 1: If he wanted you there, you would have been there. Oh,
[50:11] Speaker 1: that was a hard truth and she didn't like it.
[50:13] Speaker 2: It is true.
[50:14] Speaker 3: So I was receptive to what G.I. Joe had to say,
[50:18] Speaker 3: but I also let him know that I've moved on,
[50:20] Speaker 3: you know, but I still loved him.
[50:23] Speaker 1: Okay.
[50:24] Speaker 2: You're in love with him. I'm in love with him.
[50:25] Speaker 2: And we went to this wedding where I was the
[50:29] Speaker 2: maid of honour.
[50:30] Speaker 1: Minge of honour. I think minge of honour is better
[50:32] Speaker 1: than munch of honour. You're the minge of honour.
[50:36] Speaker 2: You are the minge of honour.
[50:37] Speaker 1: Take the title, Morgan. When I get married one day,
[50:41] Speaker 1: you'll be my minj of honour. Okay. I'll have a
[50:43] Speaker 1: maid of honour and I'll have a minj of honour.
[50:45] Speaker 2: Okay, I'll be the minj of honour.
[50:46] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[50:47] Speaker 2: Or the maid of dishonour.
[50:49] Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, that's good.
[50:50] Speaker 4: Yeah. Okay.
[50:51] Speaker 2: No, I'm going minj of honour.
[50:52] Speaker 1: Ah, fine. You're the fucking minj of honour.
[50:54] Speaker 2: All right, all right, all right. Yeah.
[50:56] Speaker 3: And all night long, he was just trying to get
[50:58] Speaker 3: me alone at any time that he could.
[51:00] Speaker 2: He was sending me messages. He was telling me I
[51:03] Speaker 2: was beautiful.
[51:04] Speaker 1: And....
[51:06] Speaker 3: He knew where I was staying that night, which he
[51:09] Speaker 3: was quite close to where I was staying. I was
[51:10] Speaker 3: actually staying at the bride and groom's house because they
[51:13] Speaker 3: were going to a hotel and I was going to
[51:15] Speaker 3: stay at their house.
[51:17] Speaker 2: And I was thinking, okay.
[51:19] Speaker 3: Okay, maybe I will. Maybe I will go home with
[51:21] Speaker 3: him because he was making it clear. Like as people
[51:24] Speaker 3: were starting to leave, he was still loitering around and
[51:28] Speaker 3: You know, my heart was so torn at this point.
[51:30] Speaker 3: Like I really didn't know what to do. And my
[51:36] Speaker 3: sister knew everything that was going on and that I
[51:38] Speaker 3: was back in New Zealand. And then anyway, she's been
[51:41] Speaker 3: checking in with me. Like, how's it going?
[51:43] Speaker 2: How's G.I.
[51:44] Speaker 3: Joe being with you? And I was like, yeah, I
[51:46] Speaker 3: think I'm going to go home with him that night.
[51:48] Speaker 3: And then anyway, she sends me this screenshot and somebody
[51:53] Speaker 3: has put on his Facebook page a like Winnie the
[51:56] Speaker 3: Pooh picture cartoon with Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. Like,
[51:59] Speaker 3: it's always better with two, said Pooh. And someone wrote,
[52:03] Speaker 3: can't wait till you're back.
[52:06] Speaker 2: Oh, little shit. And also she's like letting herself be known.
[52:10] Speaker 1: Yes.
[52:12] Speaker 3: I just said, I'm not coming.
[52:14] Speaker 2: I'm not coming home with you. And he was like,
[52:17] Speaker 2: what the fuck?
[52:18] Speaker 3: And I was like, no, no. And I went home
[52:22] Speaker 3: with my penis leash. Oh, penis leash.
[52:26] Speaker 2: Yeah. I went home with him because he's, you know,
[52:28] Speaker 2: my best mate. Yeah. And I was heartbroken.
[52:32] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[52:32] Speaker 3: We spooned and I just wept. I cried and cried.
[52:36] Speaker 3: He cried because he had just left London.
[52:38] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[52:39] Speaker 3: About a month before me and he had left behind
[52:41] Speaker 3: his love at the time.
[52:42] Speaker 1: Oh.
[52:43] Speaker 2: And so we were just both heartbroken together. We just... Spooned.
[52:46] Speaker 2: Spooned and cried.
[52:48] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[52:48] Speaker 2: Well, that's quite nice. It's nice to have a good
[52:50] Speaker 2: spoon and cry. Exactly. You've got to have friends like that,
[52:53] Speaker 2: you know, in those moments.
[52:55] Speaker 3: And it was just this moment of going, why is
[52:57] Speaker 3: life so heart-wrenching?
[53:00] Speaker 2: Like, the feels, the complications. Yeah, I think that's the thing.
[53:04] Speaker 2: It's the complications, like, It's not, things aren't going wrong.
[53:08] Speaker 4: No, no.
[53:09] Speaker 2: You know, it's just not aligning and it's not clicking
[53:12] Speaker 2: just quite right.
[53:13] Speaker 3: And also, as we are seeing throughout my life, there
[53:16] Speaker 3: is a lack of communication.
[53:17] Speaker 1: Yes.
[53:18] Speaker 2: Things have just been spoken.
[53:20] Speaker 4: Yes.
[53:21] Speaker 2: Things that have been discovered, things that were being felt.
[53:23] Speaker 1: Yes.
[53:23] Speaker 3: Just share it, open up a conversation and get some
[53:26] Speaker 3: clarity around.
[53:27] Speaker 2: What's actually happening.
[53:28] Speaker 1: Heaven forbid.
[53:30] Speaker 2: I know.
[53:31] Speaker 3: In the morning, I get up, I go back to
[53:33] Speaker 3: the bride and groom's place where I was meant to stay.
[53:36] Speaker 3: And beside the bed, where I was meant to sleep,
[53:41] Speaker 3: was all my favourite treats.
[53:45] Speaker 2: Just juice bubbles.
[53:47] Speaker 1: Yum. Lindt chocolate. Lindt. Lindt.
[53:50] Speaker 2: Lindt. Lindt.
[53:56] Speaker 1: Lindt. That's the full pronunciation, by the way, of the
[54:00] Speaker 1: Swiss chocolate brand.
[54:01] Speaker 2: That's right. And salt and vinegar chips.
[54:04] Speaker 1: Sorry. Sorry.
[54:06] Speaker 2: You heard. Try again. Salt and Virginia chips.
[54:08] Speaker 1: Sorry?
[54:09] Speaker 2: Salt and Virginia chips. Sorry, one more time. You've just, so, Linda,
[54:14] Speaker 2: you've pronounced beautifully. Thank you. Vinegar, you're fucking up quite
[54:18] Speaker 2: a lot.
[54:19] Speaker 1: Virginia.
[54:20] Speaker 2: Salt and Virginia chips. That's what I said the first time.
[54:23] Speaker 2: It's salt and vinegar. And I'm not going to say
[54:24] Speaker 2: it again.
[54:25] Speaker 1: Salt and vinegar. Vinegar.
[54:27] Speaker 3: Yeah, that is a word, but when you're saying the
[54:29] Speaker 3: flavour of chips, it is salt and Virginia.
[54:32] Speaker 2: What's salt and Virginia?
[54:33] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[54:34] Speaker 2: Well, it's salt and vinegar. No, but what the fuck
[54:37] Speaker 2: is vinegar?
[54:38] Speaker 1: Vinegar. Yeah.
[54:39] Speaker 2: Yeah, vinegar. Salt and vinegar. No, but you just said vinegar.
[54:42] Speaker 2: You nailed it before. Yeah, I can say vinegar just fine. Yeah,
[54:45] Speaker 2: why are you saying vinegar then? Because when you talk
[54:48] Speaker 2: about chips with the flavour of salt and vinegar, there's
[54:50] Speaker 2: salt and vinegar.
[54:51] Speaker 1: You say salt and vinegar. No, I don't.
[54:53] Speaker 2: I've literally never heard salt and vinegar in my life.
[54:55] Speaker 2: It's wrong.
[54:55] Speaker 1: You've added an extra J.
[54:57] Speaker 2: She always says it like this. Salt and vergena.
[54:59] Speaker 1: You have to accept it.
[54:59] Speaker 3: And when you talk to her about it, you also
[55:01] Speaker 3: say it. And that's just, you just have to. Salt
[55:03] Speaker 3: and vergena.
[55:04] Speaker 2: Doesn't it feel good? I like it.
[55:06] Speaker 1: Yes. I do like it. Yes.
[55:08] Speaker 2: You're on board now. Make you more hungry. I do
[55:11] Speaker 2: want some salt and vergena.
[55:12] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[55:12] Speaker 2: There she is. There she is.
[55:14] Speaker 1: Damn it.
[55:16] Speaker 2: Salt and vergena chips. Oh, they taste better than.
[55:18] Speaker 1: Any of them. So we've got salt and vergena. We've
[55:20] Speaker 1: got just goose boob lace. Just Goose Boo Blaze and Linda.
[55:25] Speaker 2: Got Blue Power Raids.
[55:26] Speaker 1: Oh, my God, amazing.
[55:27] Speaker 3: Oh, he put some other little gummy lollies in there.
[55:30] Speaker 3: And a note saying, love you, Pop-a-Lop.
[55:37] Speaker 1: Oh, that hurts.
[55:39] Speaker 2: Oh, that hurts.
[55:41] Speaker 1: I know. I know.
[55:43] Speaker 3: He picked all the things that I loved. He knew
[55:46] Speaker 3: I loved. He, like, pulled on my heartstrings. That familiarity of, like,
[55:51] Speaker 3: Being seen.
[55:52] Speaker 1: No one.
[55:53] Speaker 2: He loves me. But he's got a fucking girlfriend. Well,
[55:57] Speaker 2: I don't know, do I?
[55:58] Speaker 1: Well, you didn't ask.
[56:00] Speaker 2: No. And now I'm torn. Like, I want him. I'm
[56:04] Speaker 2: a little bit, like, hungover and horny.
[56:06] Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
[56:07] Speaker 2: You know, should I invite him over?
[56:09] Speaker 1: We need to talk about hangover horny. Oh, we will.
[56:11] Speaker 1: We actually. Oh, my God.
[56:13] Speaker 2: You know? We had dinner together the other night.
[56:15] Speaker 1: Yes. And I got home very late. I was, like, ferocious. Oh.
[56:21] Speaker 1: And I woke up and I had to stay at
[56:22] Speaker 1: fucking Fletcher's house. I couldn't do anything about it.
[56:25] Speaker 2: Well, you could have. I'm not wanking in our friend
[56:29] Speaker 2: Fletcher's spare bedroom. I have. I'm sorry. I have after
[56:32] Speaker 2: Maddie McLean's wedding.
[56:35] Speaker 1: I couldn't. He'll never forgive me. But the hangover horn,
[56:38] Speaker 1: I get it. And then that fucks with your judgment because.
[56:40] Speaker 2: You're like, Yeah, because you just get a bit like desperado.
[56:43] Speaker 1: Yeah, and then you're like, you've got suspicions, he's got
[56:44] Speaker 1: a girlfriend, but maybe I don't actually care. And that's
[56:46] Speaker 1: sort of more of a him problem than a me problem.
[56:48] Speaker 3: But more than even that, to be fair, was the like,
[56:51] Speaker 3: is this his declaration of love?
[56:53] Speaker 1: Well, it's sure not not. Do you know what I mean?
[56:57] Speaker 2: It's not not.
[56:58] Speaker 1: It's not not. It's not not. It's not not.
[57:00] Speaker 2: Because I'm going, you don't do that.
[57:02] Speaker 1: If you were just being like, oh, you're all goods
[57:04] Speaker 1: and don't feel anything, maybe you'd shove a blue power
[57:05] Speaker 1: right next to the bed.
[57:06] Speaker 2: But that's it.
[57:07] Speaker 1: We're not going for gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna.
[57:10] Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right. He's gone all out. Yeah, and the
[57:12] Speaker 2: just blue blue blaze.
[57:13] Speaker 1: Yes.
[57:14] Speaker 2: You're right.
[57:16] Speaker 3: But I didn't know if he had followed through. Like,
[57:17] Speaker 3: we'd both been away for a year. Is this us
[57:20] Speaker 3: kind of saying, okay, well, are we coming back? Are
[57:22] Speaker 3: we going to settle down? Are we meant to be together?
[57:25] Speaker 3: But it's also a dangerous ground for me because I'm like, well,
[57:28] Speaker 3: I do really love London and freedom. So maybe I
[57:32] Speaker 3: shouldn't because then I'm back in the danger zone with him.
[57:34] Speaker 2: I'm back in the dick sand. Dick sand. So I'm
[57:37] Speaker 2: literally having to make this decision. So what do you do? Oh,
[57:42] Speaker 2: you bitch. I fucking hate when we get to the
[57:44] Speaker 2: end of the episode. Yeah. I hate it more than
[57:47] Speaker 2: the listener. Come on, mate. We'll go and have a
[57:50] Speaker 2: bag of salt and vinegar chips and.
[57:52] Speaker 1: Get over it.
[57:52] Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I need, is I need a little,
[57:54] Speaker 2: do you know what goes really good with salt and vinegar?
[57:56] Speaker 1: What? Champagne.
[57:57] Speaker 2: Oh, yes, it cuts right through. Champagne and salt and vinegar. Okay,
[58:01] Speaker 2: I'm thirsty and hungry.
[58:02] Speaker 1: I'm thirsty and hungry too.
[58:03] Speaker 2: Oh my God, what a journey. Yeah, I've been on
[58:08] Speaker 2: a bit of a journey.
[58:09] Speaker 1: Gosh, we've gone from Belfast all the way back home.
[58:15] Speaker 1: Jesus Christ.
[58:17] Speaker 2: Yeah, but you know.
[58:18] Speaker 1: Secret services though, eh? How horny was that? Let's just reflect.
[58:21] Speaker 2: Okay, let's have a little moment. I just want to.
[58:23] Speaker 1: Getting a car and I can't open the fucking door.
[58:25] Speaker 2: It's too heavy. Trying to be a strong independent woman
[58:27] Speaker 2: and cannot.
[58:29] Speaker 1: I know.
[58:29] Speaker 2: A moment for the secret service.
[58:32] Speaker 1: Don't fucking play the trumpet again.
[58:36] Speaker 4: Wait, is it a universal trumpet noise? Yeah, I think
[58:43] Speaker 4: so for all of the... Yeah, no, no, I've heard
[58:45] Speaker 4: it a lot in the UK. The last post is
[58:48] Speaker 4: a global war tune. We thank you all for your service.
[58:52] Speaker 1: We thank you all for your service, but particularly if
[58:54] Speaker 1: you've got fucking delicious muscles in your... Kissing me in
[58:57] Speaker 1: the snowflakes.
[58:58] Speaker 2: And if you're in service to the pursuer. Oh my God,
[59:01] Speaker 2: service my pursuer.
[59:01] Speaker 1: Even if we need a little bit of coaching. Yes.
[59:05] Speaker 2: Coaching's fine. Oh, absolutely. You don't get if you don't ask.
[59:10] Speaker 3: If the foundations are right, it's just a little bit
[59:13] Speaker 3: of a challenge. like taking your car to the mechanic.
[59:15] Speaker 1: Harder left up more less yes yes yes not quite.
[59:22] Speaker 3: More that thank you yep sweating's actually okay in here
[59:25] Speaker 3: it's fine oh my god don't need a sweat towel
[59:28] Speaker 3: by the bed.
[59:29] Speaker 2: Not the fucking gym I know. Wiping down the equipment afterwards.
[59:33] Speaker 2: I didn't tell you that detail?
[59:34] Speaker 1: Can we shut up so I can go to sleep
[59:36] Speaker 1: and then come back and then, like, be recording the
[59:38] Speaker 1: next episode so I, like, can see what's happening here
[59:40] Speaker 1: with G.I. Joe?
[59:41] Speaker 3: No, but I will give you some home play to
[59:44] Speaker 3: get you through the week.
[59:45] Speaker 1: Is it find a man in the Secret Services and
[59:47] Speaker 1: screw him inside of his armoured vehicle?
[59:49] Speaker 2: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd like that, wouldn't you?
[59:54] Speaker 2: I'll see what I can arrange.
[59:56] Speaker 1: Wet pink.
[59:57] Speaker 2: Are you talking about me?
[59:59] Speaker 1: And chilled. It's 11 Minutes Rosé, the perfect partner for
[1:00:03] Speaker 1: home play, courtesy of Pascua, house of the unconventional.
[1:00:08] Speaker 2: Home play us and home play us good.
[1:00:10] Speaker 3: Okay, so I felt like we didn't have enough real
[1:00:13] Speaker 3: sex in this episode.
[1:00:15] Speaker 2: And I had to teach, you know.
[1:00:18] Speaker 3: Special Forces to spice it up a little bit. And
[1:00:22] Speaker 3: you put in an interesting request at the start of
[1:00:24] Speaker 3: the season.
[1:00:25] Speaker 1: Oh, fuck, did I?
[1:00:26] Speaker 2: Yeah, you did. Oh, I'm trying to think about what
[1:00:30] Speaker 2: it was.
[1:00:31] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
[1:00:31] Speaker 2: Oh, it's a toy, isn't it?
[1:00:33] Speaker 1: Uh-huh.
[1:00:34] Speaker 2: So, yeah, so this is the year of the butt
[1:00:37] Speaker 2: for you.
[1:00:37] Speaker 1: I call it the year of the ass. Yeah.
[1:00:39] Speaker 2: We're loving it.
[1:00:40] Speaker 1: We're eating it.
[1:00:40] Speaker 2: Yep, yep. So this.
[1:00:42] Speaker 1: Oh, wow. I have a vibrating remote control device. Butt plug. Now,
[1:00:49] Speaker 1: if we go back to season two, I was prudish
[1:00:55] Speaker 1: about the arsehole.
[1:00:56] Speaker 2: Oh, well, season one. That was season one. I was
[1:00:58] Speaker 2: really prudish about the arsehole. Now I'm all about it.
[1:01:02] Speaker 1: Yeah, you are.
[1:01:02] Speaker 2: So you've had a glass one. Oh, no, you did
[1:01:04] Speaker 2: the silicone.
[1:01:05] Speaker 1: I had the little silicone roses, and then I've purchased
[1:01:08] Speaker 1: my own glass one. That's right.
[1:01:10] Speaker 3: But why I chose this one for you is because
[1:01:12] Speaker 3: it vibrates. Because I wanted to give you a different
[1:01:15] Speaker 3: experience up your anus. And the thing is, my English chap,
[1:01:20] Speaker 3: the Special Forces, he was a little bit anally retentive.
[1:01:25] Speaker 2: And if I knew why.
[1:01:26] Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm just laughing at the direct translation of anal retentive.
[1:01:32] Speaker 2: So we're all going to fuck our bumholes this week.
[1:01:34] Speaker 3: Yes, because if I knew, like if I had my
[1:01:36] Speaker 3: skill set from what I've got now to back then,
[1:01:39] Speaker 3: I would have had my finger up his anus on
[1:01:42] Speaker 3: the third date.
[1:01:43] Speaker 2: Yeah, 100%.
[1:01:44] Speaker 3: Because the thing is that when you are actually touching
[1:01:48] Speaker 3: smooth muscle in the anus, it relaxes everything. And when
[1:01:52] Speaker 3: you add vibration to it, then it's a whole nother
[1:01:57] Speaker 3: game changer.
[1:01:57] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[1:01:58] Speaker 3: It reduces tension. It gives like a softening and opening sensation.
[1:02:03] Speaker 3: It reduces clenching. And clenching is its natural state, the
[1:02:07] Speaker 3: internal sphincter, because obviously it's holding everything in. But actually,
[1:02:11] Speaker 3: when we can actually soften and open into that space,
[1:02:14] Speaker 3: then it actually does chill us out. And it activates
[1:02:17] Speaker 3: the parasympathetic nervous system, which is what we need for
[1:02:20] Speaker 3: rest and digest.
[1:02:21] Speaker 2: Yep. I like how you're trying to listen, but you're
[1:02:23] Speaker 2: so excited with your new toy.
[1:02:25] Speaker 1: I've got it out of the box. It's got like
[1:02:26] Speaker 1: a big like diamante pink heart.
[1:02:28] Speaker 3: It's going to look so cute inside my anus. Well,
[1:02:31] Speaker 3: it's going to lower your stress as well. Oh, I'm
[1:02:33] Speaker 3: so stressed.
[1:02:34] Speaker 2: Yes, I know. It improves blood flow and sensitivity and circulation.
[1:02:39] Speaker 1: Okay.
[1:02:40] Speaker 3: And with the vibration that we're putting in here, it
[1:02:44] Speaker 3: means that it's pleasurable and regulating of the nervous system.
[1:02:48] Speaker 2: So am I putting this in my butthole or someone
[1:02:50] Speaker 2: else's butthole? That's totally up to you. Oh, okay, great, great, great.
[1:02:52] Speaker 2: But I want this for your experience. Oh, it's going
[1:02:55] Speaker 2: inside my butthole.
[1:02:56] Speaker 1: Okay, okay.
[1:02:56] Speaker 3: So for everybody, right, we're doing vibrations. Now, you don't
[1:03:00] Speaker 3: necessarily need a toy for that. You get your fist
[1:03:03] Speaker 3: and you put it up against your flat palm of
[1:03:05] Speaker 3: the other hand and you do a little shake, you've
[1:03:07] Speaker 3: got vibration.
[1:03:08] Speaker 2: So you can put that anywhere on the body. You
[1:03:10] Speaker 2: can put that on the perineum. You can put that
[1:03:12] Speaker 2: on a nipple. You can, like, put it on top
[1:03:15] Speaker 2: of the vulva. You've got vibration.
[1:03:17] Speaker 1: If you wanted to start small and not go straight
[1:03:21] Speaker 1: into an internal vibrating thing like this, could you get
[1:03:25] Speaker 1: one of those little bullet, you know, they're like.
[1:03:26] Speaker 2: 20 bucks or something from wherever, some supermarket.
[1:03:30] Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Like, could you just
[1:03:31] Speaker 1: get a little.
[1:03:32] Speaker 2: Glad you asked.
[1:03:34] Speaker 1: Oh, my God. Fuck, I'm good, eh?
[1:03:36] Speaker 3: Because here is this other part that I want. I
[1:03:38] Speaker 3: think you may as well have the full vibration experience.
[1:03:41] Speaker 1: Thank you.
[1:03:43] Speaker 2: Nipples.
[1:03:43] Speaker 1: I've never vibrated my nipples.
[1:03:46] Speaker 2: Vibrating nipple pads. Nipples are essential for me.
[1:03:50] Speaker 1: Well, yeah.
[1:03:51] Speaker 2: I mean, for a lot of women, they're quite numb.
[1:03:54] Speaker 3: And I do think that they can be conditioned to
[1:03:56] Speaker 3: come alive because they are an erogenous zone.
[1:03:59] Speaker 1: Very much so.
[1:04:00] Speaker 3: If your nipples aren't normally used to much erotic stimulation,
[1:04:04] Speaker 3: give it a try. And for men, men's nipples as well.
[1:04:08] Speaker 3: They're still heightened. I've given men orgasms through just nipple play.
[1:04:12] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[1:04:13] Speaker 2: So this is for you to just vibrate. Just buzz away.
[1:04:17] Speaker 3: And for everybody else doing home play with vibration is
[1:04:20] Speaker 3: just to, yeah, add some vibration to any part of
[1:04:23] Speaker 3: your body. Even if it is just a little vibrator,
[1:04:26] Speaker 3: you can use it behind your ears, down your neck,
[1:04:30] Speaker 3: inner thighs.
[1:04:31] Speaker 1: Nice.
[1:04:32] Speaker 3: Otherwise, just get your little fist, make a little vibrator,
[1:04:35] Speaker 3: and just see how your body responds to it. Because
[1:04:37] Speaker 3: for some people, vibration is love. For some people, it's
[1:04:40] Speaker 3: too much.
[1:04:41] Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, for sure. Everybody is different.
[1:04:44] Speaker 1: Oh, my God. Okay, well, Morgz, this is really exciting.
[1:04:46] Speaker 1: I'm really, yeah, I'm fizzed. I am fizzing and vibrating
[1:04:50] Speaker 1: at the idea of doing this.
[1:04:52] Speaker 2: Okay, well, thanks for coming on my journey this week.
[1:04:55] Speaker 1: And thank you for coming on my face. You fucking wish.
[1:04:59] Speaker 3: I fucking wish.

Shows are listed from Apple Podcasts' charts and directory, and Podcast Index where it is used. Every show and episode belongs to its publisher and plays from the publisher's own feed; this site hosts none of them.