# The Tenth Quest: Leave Me Wild

An episode of [Sex.Life](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1682116236), 5 Aug 2025, 1 h 04 min.

Audio: https://pdst.fm/e/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/7784f840-c291-422a-924b-ad9000bbad71/b6e57592-81b4-43ae-aeea-afe201571891/c2cb7917-fab7-4ed7-9d1e-b3280020a73f/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=ac6c0115-835b-4807-ba08-afe201580f7e

Content Warning: R18, Language and Sexual Material May Offend. In this episode, I share my experience of sexual assault. I know this is a tender and deeply personal topic, and it might bring up emotions for you. Please be kind to yourself. If you're not feeling up to listening right now, I completely understand. Come back when and if it feels right for you. You are not alone. Stuck at a remote bach with no reception and a man she doesn’t really know, Morgan shares the confronting details of the night that followed. Back home and into the safe, mink-wrapped arms of bestie Rachel, Morgan learns the real meaning of consent and becomes determined to ensure no other woman ever has to experience what she has. After a year of healing, Morgan finds herself dancing in the dark with a converse clad poet. The Gobby Queen energy is back! But is Morgan aware that vampires now walk in sunlight? And just like that it’s the end of Morgan’s quest for love. Or is it... If anything in today’s episode resonates with you, or if you’re dealing with something difficult, please remember you’re not alone. There are support services available to help - don’t hesitate to reach out. Safe to Talk - Sexual Harm Helpline: Free, confidential 24/7 support via phone, text, email, and webchat. Phone: 0800 044 334, Text 4334, safetotalk.nz ACC Sensitive Claims Service: Offers free therapy and support for survivors of sexual abuse or assault, including up to 14 hours of therapy and social support - acc.co.nz Indigo House: Nationwide Provides free counselling and therapy for survivors of sexual harm. Phone: 0800 BE SAFE, indigohouse.co.nz Wild Secrets is the proud sponsor of the Sex.Life podcast. With 30 years’ experience behind the scenes and between the sheets helping Kiwi’s live their best Sex.Life Wild Secrets have the biggest range and best prices. Use promo code sex.life for a 20% discount on your next purchase at wildsecrets.co.nz. Hungry for more? Watch Pillow Talk, where Morgan pulls back the covers on the stories behind the podcast—think deeper dives, photos, surprise guests (including a few of the boys), and a weekly debrief with her glorious Mumma Kez. Morgan Insta: @morganthesexologist Hayley Insta: @hayleysproull ZM Podcast Network: @ZMOnline See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:04] Speaker 1: Sex.life brought to you by Wild Secrets. The ZDM Podcast Network.
[0:10] Speaker 1: What I never say on the interviews that I go
[0:17] Speaker 1: out in the media and do when people ask me,
[0:19] Speaker 1: why did I become a sexologist? Is that this was
[0:23] Speaker 1: the catalyst. made him watch that booty shot. Yeah. And
[0:28] Speaker 1: he just, like, exploded.
[0:29] Speaker 2: Exploded, yeah.
[0:33] Speaker 1: The next thing I remember is waking up and he
[0:37] Speaker 1: was on top of me, having sex with me. Well,
[0:47] Speaker 1: let's start with the content warning. Let's. Okay. Okay. I
[0:51] Speaker 1: know we give lots of content warnings in this podcast
[0:53] Speaker 1: because it's a podcast about sex.
[0:55] Speaker 2: There hasn't been an episode without one.
[0:56] Speaker 1: No. I would be disappointed if there was an episode
[0:59] Speaker 1: without sex.
[1:00] Speaker 2: Of sex.life?
[1:01] Speaker 1: Yeah. It would just be. life. I'd be fired.
[1:04] Speaker 2: Yeah, you would be. We're here for the sex.
[1:06] Speaker 1: Yeah. This specific content warning, I want to be a
[1:09] Speaker 1: little bit more serious. Okay. It's my serious face. In
[1:12] Speaker 1: this episode, we touch on themes of sexual assault. So
[1:16] Speaker 1: I realise that is very common, but it's also quite
[1:18] Speaker 1: hard to hear sometimes. So if you're feeling a bit tender,
[1:22] Speaker 1: I would say maybe right now this episode may not
[1:25] Speaker 1: be for you. Come back when you're feeling stronger because
[1:28] Speaker 1: it's a good one for all of the collective to hear. Understood.
[1:34] Speaker 1: Thank you. Namaste. Thank you. Well, here we are, episode 10.
[1:41] Speaker 3: Episode 10, season 3. Sex, not life, it's you and me.
[1:45] Speaker 3: I'm not writing us a fucking theme song.
[1:46] Speaker 2: That was terrible.
[1:47] Speaker 1: Well, it felt a bit like 90s R & B
[1:50] Speaker 1: going into Days of Our Lives.
[1:52] Speaker 3: Yeah, I thought it felt like a 90s sitcom.
[1:55] Speaker 1: Yeah. Everywhere you look, everywhere is a heart. It was
[2:01] Speaker 1: like that. I mean, to be fair, this whole season
[2:04] Speaker 1: has been quite musical.
[2:06] Speaker 2: It has been.
[2:06] Speaker 1: Unplanned. Profoundly.
[2:09] Speaker 3: Jesus, I saw you playing the bloody double recorder on
[2:11] Speaker 3: Pillow Talk. And I was like, we needed the performance.
[2:16] Speaker 1: I know. Did it feel more like you were there
[2:19] Speaker 1: at that night that I gave that gobby?
[2:21] Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's shocking to me that he was able
[2:23] Speaker 3: to get it up. Nothing about that gave sexual.
[2:27] Speaker 1: Are you serious? Nothing. I even wore something sexual so
[2:30] Speaker 1: that it helped with that vibe. I know, I saw,
[2:32] Speaker 1: I saw. It did nothing. And you know I like
[2:35] Speaker 1: the girls. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Yeah. It actually
[2:38] Speaker 1: repelled me. No. It actually was one of the least
[2:42] Speaker 1: sexy things I've ever witnessed. Hang on. Okay, so if
[2:45] Speaker 1: you were a guy.
[2:46] Speaker 3: Hang on.
[2:47] Speaker 1: Are you watching the video that I'm thinking of? Yes. Okay, well,
[2:50] Speaker 1: hang on. So if you were a guy who's just
[2:52] Speaker 1: gone on one like bushwalk date with me and then
[2:55] Speaker 1: you saw that, would you have the ick? I have
[2:58] Speaker 1: immediate ick.
[2:58] Speaker 3: My immediate thought would be this chick's unwell.
[3:01] Speaker 1: Unwell? Unwell. I mean, come on. We've seen a lot
[3:04] Speaker 1: of behaviour that is unwell, but not this. Yep.
[3:08] Speaker 3: Not playing two recorders out of your nose in perfect unison?
[3:13] Speaker 1: I was like, she even knew a tune. Yeah, it's
[3:16] Speaker 1: Turn On The Sun.
[3:17] Speaker 2: Oh, well, that makes it better.
[3:20] Speaker 1: Well, this is my whole life.
[3:21] Speaker 2: You say it like that's supposed.
[3:22] Speaker 1: To change everything. Well, I'm out here turning everyone on
[3:26] Speaker 1: as well as the sun.
[3:27] Speaker 3: Listener, say out loud right now, if you saw Morgan
[3:31] Speaker 3: playing these two recorders out of her nose, did you
[3:33] Speaker 3: find it sexy?
[3:34] Speaker 1: Yeah. I heard a big fat yes coming down the hallway.
[3:39] Speaker 2: I actually heard a strong no.
[3:42] Speaker 1: Yeah, well, actually, that leads on beautifully to home play
[3:44] Speaker 1: because what I set for you was to really understand
[3:48] Speaker 1: a yes and a no in the body. Actually, we
[3:50] Speaker 1: couldn't have done that more perfect. No, that was a
[3:52] Speaker 1: beautiful segue. Thank you. Yeah, it was. So you are
[3:55] Speaker 1: telling me that you felt a very strong no when
[3:57] Speaker 1: you watched my recorders.
[3:58] Speaker 3: And that was actually after I'd done the exercise of
[4:00] Speaker 3: the yes and the no.
[4:02] Speaker 1: The yes and the no game for me, do you
[4:04] Speaker 1: know what I did? Hmm.
[4:05] Speaker 3: Was it season one, season two? You bought me a
[4:11] Speaker 3: pinwheel thing.
[4:12] Speaker 1: Yes.
[4:13] Speaker 3: We were doing like sensation or sort of pain, pleasure, pain.
[4:16] Speaker 1: Yes. Play. Pain, pleasure, play. Pain, play. Pain, pleasure, play.
[4:21] Speaker 3: And I've been going through all of my like old
[4:22] Speaker 3: clothes and stuff and I found in this.
[4:25] Speaker 1: Box this pinwheel thing and the collar with the leash
[4:28] Speaker 1: on it. Oh my God, yes.
[4:30] Speaker 3: So I was like, oh my God, this is perfect
[4:31] Speaker 3: for our home play this week. So I used that
[4:33] Speaker 3: as my yes and no on my own body rather
[4:35] Speaker 3: than engaging with another person.
[4:36] Speaker 1: That's incredible. It was quite nice.
[4:38] Speaker 2: I feel like, and I've mentioned this a number of times,
[4:41] Speaker 2: I've evolved.
[4:43] Speaker 1: Oh, yes, you have, baby.
[4:45] Speaker 3: So I think that if you listened maybe how I
[4:47] Speaker 3: responded about the pinwheel last time, I was like, no.
[4:49] Speaker 1: No, you didn't like it. No, no, no. You were
[4:51] Speaker 1: going really fast and trying to get intense feelings from it.
[4:53] Speaker 1: I was trying to grate the parmesan. You really were.
[4:57] Speaker 3: So I played it again on my own body nude
[5:00] Speaker 3: and played the yes and no game. So for me, again, interestingly,
[5:04] Speaker 3: because I love my nipples, it was a no across
[5:06] Speaker 3: the boobies.
[5:07] Speaker 1: Okay. Because I'm like a sucky, licky, wet person. Yes,
[5:10] Speaker 1: got it.
[5:10] Speaker 3: It was a yes up the arms, yes up the belly.
[5:12] Speaker 3: Used to hate the belly. Now I'm like touch the belly.
[5:15] Speaker 3: Yes up the legs. No up the back of the legs.
[5:18] Speaker 3: No on the face.
[5:19] Speaker 1: No on the neck. No on the décolletage. It was
[5:22] Speaker 1: just a really like– Very easy way to do it.
[5:25] Speaker 1: You've given me goosebumps listening to this, actually. My leg
[5:28] Speaker 1: hairs are standing out.
[5:29] Speaker 2: Because are you thinking of the pinwheel going over your legs?
[5:31] Speaker 1: No, I'm just like feeling your experience of really being
[5:36] Speaker 1: in your own body and letting yourself have this experience
[5:39] Speaker 1: and really deciding what's a yes or a no and
[5:42] Speaker 1: not making it wrong, just being curious.
[5:44] Speaker 2: This is the evolution.
[5:46] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[5:47] Speaker 2: And I'm like here working.
[5:48] Speaker 1: I don't even know if people have said this to you,
[5:50] Speaker 1: but I've had that feedback from people being like, wow,
[5:53] Speaker 1: Hayley's changed. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, wow. And it is
[5:57] Speaker 1: an evolution. I love that.
[5:58] Speaker 2: Yeah, it definitely is. And I can feel that.
[6:00] Speaker 3: And I think as well, you know, like even season one,
[6:03] Speaker 3: I had a hard time taking something seriously. If we
[6:05] Speaker 3: do look back to the cat collar, which I rediscovered recently,
[6:08] Speaker 3: and maybe I will take it more seriously.
[6:10] Speaker 1: Okay.
[6:11] Speaker 3: It was just a really nice way, you know, I'm
[6:12] Speaker 3: not super hippy dippy, you know, in the body. It
[6:16] Speaker 3: was a really nice way of just having something kind
[6:18] Speaker 3: of really tangible to go, yep, like that.
[6:21] Speaker 2: No, don't like that.
[6:22] Speaker 1: I love that.
[6:22] Speaker 2: And I think as I.
[6:24] Speaker 1: Grow as a woman as well in the bedroom, I'm
[6:26] Speaker 1: much better at being like, none of that. Thank you
[6:28] Speaker 1: so much for sharing. And can I check in about
[6:31] Speaker 1: the ripple effect of this, right? Having an experience where
[6:34] Speaker 1: you're really clear of a yes, no. Was there anything
[6:37] Speaker 1: that changed in the world for you about clarity of
[6:40] Speaker 1: what felt yes or no or good or bad?
[6:42] Speaker 3: I feel like I've really been in that. Maybe it
[6:45] Speaker 3: was connected to this. I haven't really put two and
[6:47] Speaker 3: two together. I've definitely been very, what's the word, mirroring
[6:52] Speaker 3: you a bit. Because recently in a business move, you
[6:56] Speaker 3: said a hard fucking no.
[6:57] Speaker 2: And I remember being like, holy shit.
[7:00] Speaker 3: And I feel like since that moment, I've kind of
[7:02] Speaker 3: been reflecting that a little bit. What I want, I
[7:06] Speaker 3: will ask for. And what I don't want, I won't
[7:08] Speaker 3: have a bar of. So maybe that's amplified it from
[7:11] Speaker 3: this exercise. But I think in general, that's just you.
[7:14] Speaker 1: I feel like a proud mum. I know I can't
[7:16] Speaker 1: take that, but I'm fucking celebrating that for you. It's
[7:19] Speaker 1: a year of change.
[7:20] Speaker 3: And I'm like, I'm too fucking old to be saying
[7:22] Speaker 3: yes to things I don't want to do.
[7:24] Speaker 1: Damn straight. And life is too short. Life is way
[7:26] Speaker 1: too short. It's not your age. Life is too short.
[7:28] Speaker 3: God, yeah.
[7:29] Speaker 1: Yeah. I know. Thank you. Thank you. Rachel, did you
[7:33] Speaker 1: do your home play?
[7:34] Speaker 4: I loved this exercise because I'm a bit on this
[7:37] Speaker 4: journey as well of learning to say no.
[7:39] Speaker 1: Like I have been brought up a yes girl. Yes girl.
[7:42] Speaker 1: Good little girl. Don't ruffle anyone's feathers. Smile. Smile doesn't
[7:47] Speaker 1: cost anything. Please, please, please.
[7:48] Speaker 4: Yes, yes. And I have been really learning to say no.
[7:52] Speaker 4: And so this was such a great– connection of how
[7:54] Speaker 4: I've been kind of simmering without consciously thinking about.
[7:57] Speaker 1: How my no has become really important to me I
[8:00] Speaker 1: do it with my kids I.
[8:01] Speaker 4: Say like if they're climbing on me or whatever the
[8:04] Speaker 4: hell they're doing to my body I say I don't
[8:06] Speaker 4: like that no that doesn't feel good on my body
[8:08] Speaker 4: beautiful which I think is really important because I want
[8:10] Speaker 4: them to be able to say it yeah you know
[8:13] Speaker 4: it's such a big one but I do the reverse
[8:14] Speaker 4: as well I know I'm making this about kids whatever
[8:17] Speaker 4: but I also say to them, oh, I love it
[8:19] Speaker 4: when you give me a kiss.
[8:20] Speaker 1: That feels so nice.
[8:21] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[8:23] Speaker 4: Because I basically don't think I ever spoke in the
[8:26] Speaker 4: bedroom sexually for the majority of my life.
[8:29] Speaker 1: Yeah, same. Not a word. Like, noises. But I would
[8:34] Speaker 1: never say, I like this, I like that.
[8:36] Speaker 2: More of this.
[8:37] Speaker 4: I remember I didn't even know that that was a thing.
[8:39] Speaker 1: Like, I thought, like, dirty talk was, like, real wild.
[8:41] Speaker 1: That would be, like, a porno type thing. Wow, yeah. Yeah.
[8:44] Speaker 4: And so then when I tried to do this exercise,
[8:46] Speaker 4: I did it with myself like you. with my body,
[8:48] Speaker 4: it was just this like resounding no. And I think
[8:52] Speaker 4: it felt like all of the times in my life
[8:54] Speaker 4: that I never said no.
[8:57] Speaker 1: Because it felt safe enough to be heard in its
[8:59] Speaker 1: no with you in that moment.
[9:00] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[9:01] Speaker 1: Wow.
[9:01] Speaker 4: My body just went, this is my moment to say no.
[9:03] Speaker 4: And it's like, I didn't want to touch myself in
[9:06] Speaker 4: any way.
[9:06] Speaker 1: I don't know. No, I do. I know that because
[9:11] Speaker 1: it often happens with my clients when we're figuring out boundaries.
[9:14] Speaker 1: And the moment you start actually giving yourself a safe
[9:17] Speaker 1: space for your body wisdom and body truth to be heard,
[9:21] Speaker 1: it often does want to have its no heard. And
[9:24] Speaker 1: so you have to listen to that. But what that
[9:27] Speaker 1: does is it facilitates a relationship of trust. So then
[9:31] Speaker 1: your yes becomes clearer and stronger.
[9:34] Speaker 2: I can see that.
[9:35] Speaker 3: Yeah, this definitely doesn't feel like an exercise to nail
[9:38] Speaker 3: in a week.
[9:39] Speaker 1: No.
[9:39] Speaker 3: So that was your no and then next time it's
[9:41] Speaker 3: a what, you know.
[9:42] Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe. Could be something else. I might need this
[9:45] Speaker 1: to open more or I might need this to be receptive. Yeah.
[9:49] Speaker 1: The foundation is that your body has to know that
[9:52] Speaker 1: its boundaries and whatever it's feeling will be on it.
[9:55] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[9:55] Speaker 1: We don't override the body. And what happens in sex
[9:58] Speaker 1: a lot is that people go, oh, well, I'm in
[10:01] Speaker 1: the middle of it or it's a relationship. I need
[10:03] Speaker 1: maintenance sex and we'll just do it. But what that
[10:06] Speaker 1: does is it does override your body. It's not a
[10:09] Speaker 1: full yes and open and orgasmic juicy time. And so
[10:12] Speaker 1: your body slowly, very slowly shuts down and it doesn't
[10:16] Speaker 1: want to do it anymore by the end of it. Yeah, man,
[10:19] Speaker 1: you're hitting the nail on the head there. Yeah. Yeah.
[10:22] Speaker 1: And I think when it's by yourself, you can say
[10:24] Speaker 1: no without any repercussions.
[10:26] Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
[10:26] Speaker 1: Or anything. Yeah, I've offended her. Yeah. It's what's you. Yeah.
[10:30] Speaker 1: And it was just like a relief to be able
[10:31] Speaker 1: to say that.
[10:32] Speaker 3: Yeah, I loved it.
[10:32] Speaker 1: Oh my God, what an extraordinary way. Here we go. Yeah. Now,
[10:42] Speaker 1: I'm anxious. Okay.
[10:44] Speaker 3: Because of where we left things. And you and I
[10:48] Speaker 3: haven't spoken since. No. I feel like maybe people think
[10:51] Speaker 3: that we go and, you know, you prepare me on
[10:53] Speaker 3: the episodes.
[10:53] Speaker 2: No, we haven't. Oh, we spoke sort of. Little bits
[10:57] Speaker 2: here and there. But I don't know where we're going,
[11:00] Speaker 2: but I just have a gut feeling.
[11:02] Speaker 1: Yeah. You're far away. You're out of range. You don't
[11:08] Speaker 1: feel good. That's right. I've gone away with this guy
[11:11] Speaker 1: who is showing up for me and wanting to date me.
[11:16] Speaker 1: And whilst I wasn't 100% pumped on him, I was also,
[11:19] Speaker 1: after my 30th, feeling pretty desperate and down and thinking
[11:23] Speaker 1: that I really wanted to settle down and have babies
[11:25] Speaker 1: and turn into the good wife, you know, good girl.
[11:28] Speaker 1: And so I decided to, okay, well, yeah, we'll go
[11:30] Speaker 1: away with him and see what happens. But unfortunately, as
[11:35] Speaker 1: soon as I got to his batch and realised how
[11:38] Speaker 1: remote it was with no cell phone coverage and it
[11:40] Speaker 1: was filthy, my whole body felt tense and yuck and
[11:45] Speaker 1: started to shut down. And he shut down. You know,
[11:49] Speaker 1: I can really reflect now. It's like so obvious. I
[11:51] Speaker 1: should have said something. I should have said, actually, let's go. Actually, I.
[11:58] Speaker 2: Just want to go home.
[11:58] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. And all the red flags were there and
[12:01] Speaker 1: I just, like, Yeah, because what an inconvenience. We just
[12:04] Speaker 1: got here.
[12:05] Speaker 2: What do you mean? I don't want to offend him.
[12:08] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it was all of that. And I was
[12:11] Speaker 1: aware that he was dealing with like the fact that
[12:13] Speaker 1: he was in this place where he hadn't been since
[12:14] Speaker 1: his dad had passed away. So I was trying to
[12:16] Speaker 1: like hold him emotionally kind of. But yeah, after a
[12:20] Speaker 1: few hours of vacuuming and dusting and like cleaning, I
[12:23] Speaker 1: was literally drinking just to survive. I find it really
[12:26] Speaker 1: hard to sleep in places where I feel grimy.
[12:28] Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
[12:29] Speaker 1: And so I thought, okay, I'm going to like drink
[12:31] Speaker 1: to kind of like make myself feel. Knock myself out. Yeah. Yeah.
[12:35] Speaker 1: And so, yeah, we'd had dinner and it was time
[12:37] Speaker 1: for bed. And. I really wanted a shower, you know,
[12:40] Speaker 1: after all that cleaning and stuff. But all there was
[12:42] Speaker 1: was like an outdoor bath. So I was just like, okay,
[12:46] Speaker 1: I'm just going to have a little like bird bath outside. Anyways,
[12:49] Speaker 1: we hopped into bed and snuggled up and he started
[12:52] Speaker 1: getting pretty like grindy and handsy. And I was, you know,
[12:56] Speaker 1: kind of into it and trying to like feel into
[12:58] Speaker 1: this man that was here and trying to move my
[13:02] Speaker 1: mood from this cleaning and grossness to like, okay. I
[13:05] Speaker 1: could do that. Yeah, sexy man in a bed, like coarse.
[13:09] Speaker 1: He went down for the munch. So, of course, I
[13:11] Speaker 1: was like, oh, yeah, okay, great. And then I gave
[13:15] Speaker 1: him a gobby because I kind of felt like, well,
[13:18] Speaker 1: I should. And then there's a man that will ejaculate
[13:22] Speaker 1: and then that's over. You know, like I'm so at
[13:24] Speaker 1: that stage in my life where I really believed that
[13:27] Speaker 1: once a man comes, sex is over. I know. Yeah.
[13:30] Speaker 1: So I thought, okay, if I get him satisfied, we're good.
[13:34] Speaker 1: So did that. And then he wanted to keep fooling around.
[13:38] Speaker 1: And I said– no, that's it. And I clearly said
[13:41] Speaker 1: to him, I'm just not ready to have sex with
[13:42] Speaker 1: you yet. And in my mind, we had two nights
[13:47] Speaker 1: there and I sort of thought, well, hopefully tomorrow is
[13:49] Speaker 1: going to be a better day. We're going to be together.
[13:52] Speaker 1: Hopefully I'll feel a bit more loved up. And if
[13:55] Speaker 1: it's progressing, then maybe I'll want to have penetrative sex
[13:58] Speaker 1: with him. So that was my boundary for going to sleep.
[14:03] Speaker 1: And then the next thing I remember is waking up
[14:07] Speaker 1: And he was on top of me, having sex with me.
[14:11] Speaker 1: And I really want to be careful of my wording
[14:15] Speaker 1: here because he was raping me. But Morgan back then
[14:21] Speaker 1: didn't know that. And she didn't have that sort of
[14:24] Speaker 1: like knowledge of those were the words. So I'm going
[14:26] Speaker 1: to kind of keep speaking from the Morgan back then.
[14:30] Speaker 1: And I'll kind of circle back to that. the word rape,
[14:34] Speaker 1: because even now I find that hard to say like
[14:38] Speaker 1: on reflection of this, but I just didn't know what
[14:42] Speaker 1: was happening. I was confused. I'd been in a deep sleep.
[14:46] Speaker 1: I didn't know if something had like started again that
[14:48] Speaker 1: I'd kind of been a part of. I was trying
[14:50] Speaker 1: to piece it all together in my head. And so
[14:54] Speaker 1: I kind of like, I went along with it, you know,
[14:56] Speaker 1: because I was trying to figure it all out and
[14:58] Speaker 1: I was trying to think surely he wouldn't do this.
[15:02] Speaker 1: Surely this isn't actually happening to me. And this isn't
[15:08] Speaker 1: what I'd seen portrayed in movies as rape either. And
[15:13] Speaker 1: so I was trying to figure it all out while
[15:16] Speaker 1: this was like happening. And I guess what I know
[15:19] Speaker 1: now about nervous systems is I would have just gone
[15:22] Speaker 1: into a total fawn state of survival, just doing whatever
[15:28] Speaker 1: I needed to do to survive. And I like faked
[15:34] Speaker 1: an orgasm, like just hoping that it would sort of
[15:37] Speaker 1: like come to an end. And I got up and
[15:41] Speaker 1: I couldn't find my nightie and I walked out into
[15:44] Speaker 1: like the batch. I had to go outside, up into
[15:47] Speaker 1: the outside toilet. I just like remember how my body felt.
[15:51] Speaker 1: My body was flushing, almost like I had a fever,
[15:55] Speaker 1: like hot and cold. And I sat down in the
[15:58] Speaker 1: toilet and my body just like started shaking. which I
[16:02] Speaker 1: think is amazing. Like my body's having such a visceral reaction,
[16:06] Speaker 1: even when my mind is trying to catch up and
[16:09] Speaker 1: trying to figure it all out. I got back and
[16:12] Speaker 1: realised I had to get back into bed with him,
[16:15] Speaker 1: you know, because it was cold and like there was
[16:19] Speaker 1: no other room. So like found my nightie, like got
[16:21] Speaker 1: my hoodie and hopped back into bed. And I couldn't sleep.
[16:25] Speaker 1: I was too scared to sleep, you know, as well.
[16:28] Speaker 1: And I was praying for the alarm to go off
[16:31] Speaker 1: because we were getting up at 5 a.m. to go
[16:33] Speaker 1: on this, like, fishing charter. Oh, God. I know. I know. Which,
[16:39] Speaker 1: you know, I actually quite liked fishing, but this was
[16:41] Speaker 1: just unbearable. And when the alarm went off, there was
[16:43] Speaker 1: so much relief in my body. I was like, oh,
[16:45] Speaker 1: my God, it's over, you know.
[16:47] Speaker 2: The night's over, yeah.
[16:48] Speaker 1: The night is over. And we got up. We were, like,
[16:51] Speaker 1: pretty quiet in the morning and just, like, got in
[16:53] Speaker 1: the car. And he said, sorry for the middle of
[16:55] Speaker 1: the night. Wake up. He's like, that was a bit
[16:57] Speaker 1: of fun. And I remember like there was something in
[17:02] Speaker 1: me that was still really shook, but I said more
[17:04] Speaker 1: like a bit rapey. So I actually gave a little
[17:08] Speaker 1: like punch back. And I remember his face looking so
[17:12] Speaker 1: shocked and then kind of giggled like, yeah, yeah, whatever,
[17:17] Speaker 1: like totally dismissed it. And I was waiting, like trying
[17:21] Speaker 1: to watch my phone to when I got into like
[17:22] Speaker 1: reception and trying to figure out what I was going
[17:26] Speaker 1: to do. Like, was I going to try and get
[17:27] Speaker 1: out of here? How do I explain it to somebody?
[17:30] Speaker 1: Is it big enough? I was really minimizing my experience.
[17:33] Speaker 1: Surely it wasn't that bad. And yeah, we had to
[17:36] Speaker 1: go on this fucking fishing boat for like six hours.
[17:40] Speaker 1: And I felt even more trapped, like on the high
[17:43] Speaker 1: seas with all these strangers and like bringing in all
[17:48] Speaker 1: these fish. Like people were overfishing and it just made
[17:51] Speaker 1: me feel, I was like, I'm the fish, like the
[17:53] Speaker 1: fish out of water and I'm being caught. It was
[17:55] Speaker 1: just so horrible. He was squeezing my bum and like
[17:58] Speaker 1: coming up behind me, like kissing the top of my head.
[18:01] Speaker 1: And it was just so confusing because that is what
[18:06] Speaker 1: I would want from a boyfriend, like all those things.
[18:10] Speaker 1: But I was just like dying inside of what had
[18:13] Speaker 1: just happened and trying to make sense of it. And yeah,
[18:22] Speaker 1: we had to go back to his bloody filthy batch.
[18:27] Speaker 1: I couldn't get enough coverage anywhere.
[18:30] Speaker 2: No, you're on a boat, like, yeah.
[18:33] Speaker 1: And I just, I was like, oh my God, I'm
[18:36] Speaker 1: just going to have to do another night with him.
[18:40] Speaker 1: So we got back and I think he could tell
[18:44] Speaker 1: that I was pretty closed off to him. He like
[18:47] Speaker 1: ran me a bath and he was like, do you
[18:50] Speaker 1: want me to hop in the bath with you?
[18:51] Speaker 2: And I was like, no.
[18:52] Speaker 1: Like I was really like, no. But he was like, okay,
[18:56] Speaker 1: that's all good. You have a bath. I'll hop in afterwards.
[18:58] Speaker 1: And he cooked a beautiful meal. He was trying really hard.
[19:01] Speaker 1: He poured me wine, but I was not touching a
[19:04] Speaker 1: drop of alcohol that night. I was like, absolutely not.
[19:07] Speaker 1: I'm having my full wits about me. It was like bedtime.
[19:11] Speaker 1: And I said to him, don't touch me. Don't touch
[19:16] Speaker 1: any part of me. And I'd put my track pants
[19:19] Speaker 1: on and felt as safe as I could get myself.
[19:24] Speaker 1: And He didn't, you know, he didn't touch me. And
[19:27] Speaker 1: I did sleep, I think, because I was so tired
[19:29] Speaker 1: from the night before. But yeah, in the morning, I
[19:32] Speaker 1: was just so relieved. I was like, oh my God,
[19:34] Speaker 1: I'm going home, you know, freedom. And he had to
[19:39] Speaker 1: do some like trimming this bush before we left outside.
[19:42] Speaker 1: And he goes, can you write in that guest book?
[19:45] Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my God. Okay. And I
[19:48] Speaker 1: remember sitting there thinking, shall I write what he did? Really?
[19:53] Speaker 1: In the guest book. yeah all it had like his
[19:56] Speaker 1: dad had been in there's like sister you know like
[19:59] Speaker 1: I'd only been family members I was like imagine if
[20:01] Speaker 1: I wrote but I didn't I was too scared yeah
[20:05] Speaker 1: I was like what would happen what if he comes
[20:07] Speaker 1: in and reads that before we go and then I
[20:09] Speaker 1: just didn't know.
[20:11] Speaker 3: I'm already like immediately, sorry, I'm just sitting in shock,
[20:15] Speaker 3: but I'm already immediately like, oh, you really knew what
[20:21] Speaker 3: it was quite quickly.
[20:24] Speaker 1: Yeah. Even though you were like confused in the night,
[20:27] Speaker 1: like what was that? And surely not. And no, no, no, no, no.
[20:30] Speaker 2: Like that's not what that was.
[20:32] Speaker 3: To already know the next day and for using the
[20:34] Speaker 3: word rapey or like don't touch me or I'm like
[20:37] Speaker 3: guarding myself already.
[20:38] Speaker 1: Yes.
[20:39] Speaker 2: It's kind of amazing.
[20:40] Speaker 3: I feel like I know so many people and, you know,
[20:44] Speaker 3: in ways myself and lots of women who it takes
[20:47] Speaker 3: years until you're like, oh, and then you learn about
[20:49] Speaker 3: consent and you're like, oh, I definitely didn't give that.
[20:52] Speaker 1: Exactly. Whereas your body told you immediately. Immediately. And those
[20:58] Speaker 1: bits where things did come out of my body, the
[21:01] Speaker 1: words even, it did, you're right, it knew. And was
[21:05] Speaker 1: like in full hypervigilance, like protection.
[21:08] Speaker 3: Even though your brain is going, no, no, no, no, no,
[21:11] Speaker 3: that's a boyfriend. This is someone you might be hooking
[21:15] Speaker 3: up with.
[21:15] Speaker 1: Yes. And still through the trying to protect myself thing,
[21:20] Speaker 1: And kind of play the game, you know? Like I
[21:22] Speaker 1: was just like, I just got to get out of there.
[21:24] Speaker 1: I've got to do whatever I can to kind of
[21:26] Speaker 1: make this the easiest way to get out. Instead of
[21:31] Speaker 1: just being like, you fucking cunt, you know?
[21:33] Speaker 2: Or like, what the fuck?
[21:35] Speaker 1: Yeah. That wasn't in me. That was definitely not in me. Yeah.
[21:38] Speaker 1: But the other bits that could come through did their best.
[21:43] Speaker 1: The drive back to Auckland was amazing. He was so happy.
[21:48] Speaker 1: He was like driving with one hand like on my
[21:50] Speaker 1: knee and like talking about future plans with me.
[21:54] Speaker 2: Are you playing the role just to get home?
[21:56] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like not giving much, giving like the
[22:00] Speaker 1: bare minimum, but absolutely playing the game. And it wasn't
[22:05] Speaker 1: until I actually got home and shut that door that
[22:10] Speaker 1: I felt it all. And I literally slumped down the
[22:16] Speaker 1: wall with my bags and just started weeping. My body
[22:20] Speaker 1: finally felt safe to, you know, feel what was really
[22:23] Speaker 1: going on. And it's when I was living with Rach
[22:28] Speaker 1: and she was like, oh my God, what's going on? What,
[22:33] Speaker 1: you know, like, what's, are you okay? And she like
[22:35] Speaker 1: got down on the ground with me and I couldn't
[22:37] Speaker 1: even really speak it at that point. And then she
[22:40] Speaker 1: like got me upstairs and wrapped me in her mink
[22:43] Speaker 1: blanket and.
[22:44] Speaker 2: But we all had them, don't worry, right?
[22:46] Speaker 1: We all had them. Yeah, but she knew how much
[22:47] Speaker 1: I hated them.
[22:48] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but they served a purpose.
[22:50] Speaker 1: Yes.
[22:50] Speaker 2: It was an easy warm layer.
[22:51] Speaker 1: It was like a shock blanket, you know? Yeah, yeah,
[22:54] Speaker 1: like those tinfoil ones at the beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[22:56] Speaker 1: She got me a cup of tea and, you know,
[22:59] Speaker 1: she just said, you know, talk to me. And I
[23:02] Speaker 1: remember saying to her, look, it wasn't rape, but it
[23:05] Speaker 1: wasn't consent. I remember her face looking at me like, no, that's, rape.
[23:13] Speaker 1: She was like, if there's no consent, that's rape. And
[23:16] Speaker 1: I just didn't have a full understanding of consent. No.
[23:22] Speaker 1: And she sent me article after article and told me
[23:25] Speaker 1: different scenarios and she educated me on consent. Right.
[23:30] Speaker 3: How did you have such knowledge at this time? This
[23:32] Speaker 3: is like 10 years ago, right?
[23:34] Speaker 1: Yeah. Coming up. Yeah.
[23:35] Speaker 3: Because I feel like so many of us were so
[23:37] Speaker 3: naive about consent.
[23:39] Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a good question.
[23:41] Speaker 4: I think I probably from my own experiences had gone
[23:45] Speaker 4: into a deep dive of what was right and what
[23:47] Speaker 4: was wrong, trying to figure out some of my own stuff,
[23:50] Speaker 4: I guess. And I think I've always been quite progressive
[23:54] Speaker 4: with feminism and stuff like that. So I guess I
[23:56] Speaker 4: just found myself in the right circles.
[23:59] Speaker 3: I suppose when someone you love says it, then it's
[24:03] Speaker 3: easier for you to go, no, I know what that is.
[24:06] Speaker 2: Then within yourself it takes a bit longer maybe, you know?
[24:09] Speaker 1: Absolutely. Yeah, completely there. Yeah, I feel really like, well,
[24:15] Speaker 1: all of my interactions of meeting Rachel and being with
[24:17] Speaker 1: her I feel lucky with, but like this specifically changed
[24:20] Speaker 1: my life, you know? Because I could have talked to
[24:24] Speaker 1: a handful of other women at that time who would
[24:27] Speaker 1: have been exactly like me and would have sort of
[24:29] Speaker 1: kept me in that minimising, I think it was a
[24:32] Speaker 1: bit weird. Because, you know, like we've all kind of
[24:34] Speaker 1: had similar experiences, you know. And I had so much
[24:39] Speaker 1: shame around not fighting him off, not telling him to stop,
[24:44] Speaker 1: not telling him to fuck off. Yeah. You know, I
[24:47] Speaker 1: really thought I played a big piece in that. Yeah.
[24:50] Speaker 1: Whereas Rachel was just black and white with it. She
[24:52] Speaker 1: was like, no, this is not on you at all.
[24:56] Speaker 1: So it was a big learning piece for me and
[24:59] Speaker 1: I knew as part of, my process with this work,
[25:03] Speaker 1: I needed to tell him because he was still messaging me,
[25:05] Speaker 1: like wanting to hang out. And so a week later,
[25:10] Speaker 1: I messaged him and I said, hey, I need to
[25:17] Speaker 1: get something off my chest as I've been feeling pretty
[25:19] Speaker 1: shaken after being away with you. What you did on
[25:22] Speaker 1: Saturday night was not okay. I clearly said no to
[25:26] Speaker 1: wanting to have sex with you. I thought you had
[25:28] Speaker 1: listened to my no and went to sleep. I was
[25:31] Speaker 1: in a vulnerable position. I drank a bottle of wine
[25:34] Speaker 1: and was fully asleep. I believe there were no harmful
[25:37] Speaker 1: intentions from you, yet you should have respected my no.
[25:39] Speaker 1: It was a very confusing weekend because I felt horrible
[25:43] Speaker 1: after that and yet there were some nice bits mixed in.
[25:46] Speaker 1: I'm telling you because I don't think you would have
[25:48] Speaker 1: any idea that this would have had this impact on
[25:50] Speaker 1: me and I think our culture is messed up as
[25:53] Speaker 1: men and women too haven't been taught about what consent
[25:55] Speaker 1: really is. I hope that by telling you how I'm
[25:58] Speaker 1: feeling you will get a better understanding of of how
[26:01] Speaker 1: important it is to really listen when someone says no.
[26:03] Speaker 1: I know you're a lovely man, and I'm sure you'll
[26:06] Speaker 1: be shocked by this, and that is why I feel
[26:09] Speaker 1: like I can be honest with you. So here I am,
[26:12] Speaker 1: I'm still paper-placing. Yeah. I've got a strong message in there,
[26:18] Speaker 1: but I've fluffed it. Yeah, you have. I've sugar-coated it. 100%.
[26:21] Speaker 2: You're a lovely man.
[26:23] Speaker 1: I had some good moments. This will be a shock. Fuck, man,
[26:28] Speaker 1: if I got to write that letter again today, I'll
[26:31] Speaker 1: tell you what. Yeah. He'd be in jail. You know?
[26:36] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[26:38] Speaker 1: He did respond, which kind of gave my, well, I'll
[26:44] Speaker 1: let you hear it. Hey Morgan, I totally understand. That's
[26:47] Speaker 1: something I've never done before. Really? I fully respect you
[26:52] Speaker 1: and wouldn't have done anything like that on purpose. I'm
[26:55] Speaker 1: very sorry that it happened like it did and also
[26:57] Speaker 1: for just playing it off the next day was pretty
[26:59] Speaker 1: immature from me. It must have been hard for you
[27:02] Speaker 1: to deal with that for the remainder of the time away.
[27:04] Speaker 1: It definitely wasn't my intention. I really just wanted to
[27:07] Speaker 1: spend some fun, quality time with you and show you
[27:09] Speaker 1: some new places. I feel extremely bad that I've made
[27:12] Speaker 1: you feel the way you feel. That's totally unacceptable from me.
[27:16] Speaker 1: For that, I'm sorry. I do feel shocked, but it's
[27:18] Speaker 1: my doing and I'll take responsibility for it. I appreciate
[27:22] Speaker 1: you sending me this message. Must have been hard to say.
[27:24] Speaker 1: I also understand if you'd like to end contact with me.
[27:32] Speaker 1: And so, you know, even who I was back then
[27:34] Speaker 1: was like, oh, yeah, see, he gets it. He won't
[27:36] Speaker 1: do that again. Yep, he is a lovely man. Like,
[27:38] Speaker 1: you know, that was quite a good response from him
[27:40] Speaker 1: and he's taking full responsibility. But he's not. He's not.
[27:43] Speaker 2: He's saying he is.
[27:44] Speaker 1: He's probably freaking out.
[27:46] Speaker 3: What was one of the earlier words you said? Like,
[27:49] Speaker 3: I wouldn't have done something like that on purpose? What
[27:51] Speaker 3: do you fucking mean?
[27:52] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah. I fully respect you and wouldn't have done
[27:55] Speaker 1: anything like that on purpose. What do you mean on purpose? Yeah.
[27:58] Speaker 1: You didn't fall on top of her. Exactly. I reckon
[28:01] Speaker 1: he was scared because right there is a potential rape charge,
[28:06] Speaker 1: you know? Yeah. And if he has done it before,
[28:09] Speaker 1: which I bet you he has.
[28:11] Speaker 2: It's not really something you just fucking start.
[28:14] Speaker 1: No.
[28:14] Speaker 3: In the way you fluffed yours to be more palatable
[28:17] Speaker 3: for him, he's fluffed his to make it look like
[28:20] Speaker 3: an apology, but it's hollow.
[28:22] Speaker 1: Exactly.
[28:22] Speaker 2: There's nothing, there's no ownership. I take full ownership. No,
[28:24] Speaker 2: you don't.
[28:25] Speaker 1: How? Yeah, what are you doing to make it better?
[28:27] Speaker 3: You've started off by saying, I didn't do anything on purpose.
[28:32] Speaker 3: You know, it's just distancing yourself.
[28:35] Speaker 2: From the act.
[28:36] Speaker 1: Yeah. A hundred percent.
[28:38] Speaker 2: Saying I take full responsibility is different.
[28:40] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, what I didn't realize at
[28:46] Speaker 1: the time and what I never say on the interviews
[28:49] Speaker 1: that I go out in the media and do when
[28:51] Speaker 1: people ask me, why did I become a sexologist? Is
[28:54] Speaker 1: that this was the catalyst.
[28:57] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
[28:58] Speaker 1: And I've never told this story before. Mum knows. Rachel knows.
[29:02] Speaker 1: I think H knows. That's about it. And my sister.
[29:08] Speaker 1: You know? Because I've had so much shame. But I
[29:13] Speaker 1: took this and I just, I never wanted any other
[29:16] Speaker 1: woman to feel this way. And I know that I
[29:21] Speaker 1: can't stop that. There's so much shit that goes on.
[29:23] Speaker 1: But I didn't want one more person to be confused
[29:27] Speaker 1: about consent. Yeah. You know, and I want a woman
[29:31] Speaker 1: especially to know that they don't owe men anything with
[29:35] Speaker 1: their bodies and that when body violations like this happen,
[29:39] Speaker 1: it is not their fault. And. I wanted to teach
[29:46] Speaker 1: about healthy sexuality because I realized I was not having
[29:50] Speaker 1: a healthy sex life. I was not honoring my body,
[29:53] Speaker 1: other people not honoring my body, and it was time
[29:58] Speaker 1: to stop. And I just thought if this is my
[30:01] Speaker 1: reality in my world and most people are feel the
[30:04] Speaker 1: same way in terms of just letting things slide, having
[30:07] Speaker 1: sex because you've gone this far or you're in their
[30:09] Speaker 1: bed or whatever. I was like, we've got to change.
[30:12] Speaker 1: We've got to make a real societal shift. Yeah. And
[30:15] Speaker 1: so that's why I went down this path of healing myself,
[30:20] Speaker 1: learning and yeah, deciding to become a sexologist so that
[30:23] Speaker 1: we could actually learn what healthy sexuality was. And I
[30:27] Speaker 1: wanted to create a safe space where people could come
[30:29] Speaker 1: and talk about these things with me because I If
[30:32] Speaker 1: I didn't have Rachel, I wouldn't have known where to
[30:34] Speaker 1: go because a rape centre felt like too intense for me.
[30:38] Speaker 1: You know, like there are some amazing services out there.
[30:41] Speaker 1: And if you're wondering and this is resonating with you,
[30:44] Speaker 1: absolutely go out there and we'll post some resources. But
[30:47] Speaker 1: sometimes you just want to talk to somebody safe, no judgment.
[30:51] Speaker 1: You don't have to take any action. And that's what
[30:54] Speaker 1: I wanted to provide.
[30:56] Speaker 2: It's interesting.
[30:57] Speaker 3: What I'm really relating to is the presence of alcohol.
[31:03] Speaker 3: And how you use that as well to soften the act.
[31:07] Speaker 1: Definitely.
[31:07] Speaker 3: I mean, I've been a boozer from fucking day one.
[31:10] Speaker 3: Came out with a glass of wine, you know what
[31:12] Speaker 3: I mean?
[31:12] Speaker 1: Drink it while it's fizzy.
[31:13] Speaker 2: Drink it while it's fizzy.
[31:14] Speaker 3: But, you know, I've put myself in– well, I've gotten
[31:17] Speaker 3: into compromising positions before.
[31:18] Speaker 1: Nice catch. Yeah, fuck, I know.
[31:21] Speaker 3: And, you know, you write it off to going like,
[31:23] Speaker 3: I was so drunk. I probably was flirting. I probably was, like,
[31:27] Speaker 3: kissing and, you know, being– enthusiastic maybe. And then you're like,
[31:33] Speaker 3: why do I feel so fucking terrible? Yeah.
[31:36] Speaker 1: Yeah. And that's the thing that has been used as
[31:40] Speaker 1: a defence for years is the booze piece.
[31:43] Speaker 3: I remember years ago, years, years, years ago, there was
[31:46] Speaker 3: someone who was flirting with me a lot. And I
[31:49] Speaker 3: remember being very much like, I'm not going to go
[31:53] Speaker 3: there with you. And ended up waking up in the
[31:58] Speaker 3: morning feeling in his bed and him kind of immediately
[32:04] Speaker 3: telling me that we'd had sex and all of that.
[32:08] Speaker 3: And I remember being like, oh, my God, you know, like, oh,
[32:12] Speaker 3: you know, so silly. You know, just like not– but
[32:15] Speaker 3: definitely not ever calling it, you know, this, but just
[32:20] Speaker 3: that feeling of being like, oh, I don't really– I
[32:23] Speaker 3: knew they didn't want to do that. And then I
[32:25] Speaker 3: was like, drunk Hayley. Oh, drunk Hayley's so– She's got
[32:28] Speaker 3: to switch, you know, and then you're like, oh, it's
[32:31] Speaker 3: not great that I had to be told.
[32:32] Speaker 1: No, and isn't it interesting even retelling that takes you
[32:36] Speaker 1: right back to that place where you're actually, you're minimising
[32:39] Speaker 1: that experience because it's kind of like, oh, well, I
[32:42] Speaker 1: was drunk and I don't remember. I was just drunk, yeah,
[32:44] Speaker 1: I was too drunk, yeah. Yeah, but it's like it's
[32:46] Speaker 1: not the case. Like there's two people involved.
[32:48] Speaker 2: In that, you know.
[32:49] Speaker 1: I know, I know.
[32:50] Speaker 3: But there would be so many people listening who were like,
[32:55] Speaker 3: And I remember when the consent conversation started really popping off.
[32:59] Speaker 1: Yes.
[33:00] Speaker 3: And then you reflect back and you're like.
[33:04] Speaker 1: Oh, fuck.
[33:05] Speaker 2: And you almost go, oh, I don't really want to
[33:06] Speaker 2: think about a few of those, actually.
[33:08] Speaker 1: Oh, my God.
[33:09] Speaker 2: A few of those one-night stands or a few of
[33:10] Speaker 2: those situations I was in.
[33:11] Speaker 1: Yep. Yep.
[33:13] Speaker 2: Because you don't want to actually confront the reality of it.
[33:16] Speaker 1: No. And, I mean, this is the thing about sex
[33:19] Speaker 1: as well. It's murky. It's messy. There's so much that
[33:21] Speaker 1: goes on. But– People have also used that as a defense,
[33:25] Speaker 1: whereas actually consent is very black and white. And you
[33:28] Speaker 1: can't give full body consent when you're drunk. And I
[33:32] Speaker 1: think as a society, we are learning. We're still learning, though.
[33:35] Speaker 1: And this is why it's really important to get really
[33:37] Speaker 1: clear on these things. Even if it's not an enthusiastic yes,
[33:42] Speaker 1: it's a no. You know, like this is how far
[33:46] Speaker 1: we've come now. If it's a maybe, it's a no.
[33:51] Speaker 3: So after you receive his reply, where did you go?
[33:54] Speaker 2: What did you?
[33:55] Speaker 1: I just, so I left him, like I didn't have
[33:57] Speaker 1: any more contact with him. I was pretty shaken and
[34:01] Speaker 1: pretty down and I had to do a bit of work.
[34:07] Speaker 1: I regret not getting like talk therapy at the time.
[34:10] Speaker 1: I have since, but yeah, back then I didn't. Probably
[34:15] Speaker 1: because I still didn't think it was that much of
[34:17] Speaker 1: a big deal. Probably thought telling him, having him respond, closure. Yeah.
[34:20] Speaker 1: probably just done cognitively yep I went to my chiropractors
[34:24] Speaker 1: that I was normally going to every two weeks which
[34:27] Speaker 1: wasn't for like cracking bones but like nervous system support
[34:30] Speaker 1: oh yeah I got on the table didn't tell them
[34:33] Speaker 1: anything I didn't even think about telling them anything they
[34:36] Speaker 1: literally felt very gently my back and then said hey
[34:40] Speaker 1: Morgan get off the table let's go into the office
[34:43] Speaker 1: and just said has there been some trauma that's happened
[34:45] Speaker 1: to your body fuck yeah really yeah oh And I mean,
[34:50] Speaker 1: this is why I work with the body, right? Because
[34:51] Speaker 1: of the body wisdom. It is so strong. And what
[34:55] Speaker 1: had happened is that my tailbone had tucked right under,
[34:58] Speaker 1: which you think about a dog that's scared, their tail
[35:01] Speaker 1: goes under. Yeah. We're exactly the same. So my body
[35:05] Speaker 1: had created itself to be as small as possible. Like
[35:08] Speaker 1: a hedgehog. To hide in protection. Yeah. Yeah.
[35:09] Speaker 3: Exactly.
[35:10] Speaker 1: Curled in. A little armadillo. Yeah. I was a little armadillo.
[35:14] Speaker 1: You were a little armadillo. Yeah. So- When I knew
[35:17] Speaker 1: that about the body, it gave me a whole different
[35:20] Speaker 1: perspective on the mind and the body's experience in this world,
[35:24] Speaker 1: which is why I became a somatic psychologist, is to
[35:26] Speaker 1: work with the body because it's so clear that we
[35:29] Speaker 1: have to do this nervous system work as well as
[35:31] Speaker 1: the mind when it comes to sex.
[35:34] Speaker 2: The nervous system work is the harder work.
[35:36] Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. It's deep, mate. It's been programmed for a
[35:38] Speaker 1: long time. So, yeah, it took me well over a
[35:42] Speaker 1: year to feel like I could connect with a man again. Really? Yeah. Yeah.
[35:47] Speaker 1: I was scared because I was trusting. I had trusted
[35:51] Speaker 1: that man. I'd been in his bed. I'd gone away
[35:54] Speaker 1: with him, you know. And I just thought, God, if
[35:58] Speaker 1: my radar is off, my picking radar is off and
[36:01] Speaker 1: that can happen to me, like, shit.
[36:02] Speaker 2: I don't want that again, yeah.
[36:03] Speaker 1: And that's why I gave that home play of that
[36:05] Speaker 1: yes and no because everything was saying no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[36:09] Speaker 1: Even to go away with him felt like a no.
[36:11] Speaker 1: I overrid it because I thought I was desperate. I
[36:15] Speaker 1: want a man. He's the only one showing up. Mm-hmm.
[36:17] Speaker 1: And it's probably why I find myself single because I'm like,
[36:20] Speaker 1: now I trust my nose.
[36:22] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[36:22] Speaker 1: You know? Yeah. But let's put a line in the
[36:28] Speaker 1: sand there. We'll end that story. So if there's anything
[36:31] Speaker 1: we need to do to shake that off, get that
[36:33] Speaker 1: out of the body because I'm feeling a bit.
[36:35] Speaker 2: Well, thank you for sharing it.
[36:36] Speaker 1: I mean, it's, yeah. Well, thank you for holding it.
[36:41] Speaker 1: I didn't think I was going to tell that story.
[36:43] Speaker 1: I never thought I was going to tell that story.
[36:45] Speaker 3: I think you said to me before, there's a few
[36:47] Speaker 3: stories in all of the episodes that you're like, oh,
[36:48] Speaker 3: I wasn't planning on telling that, but here we are.
[36:50] Speaker 1: I know.
[36:51] Speaker 3: I feel like it's this room that we create, us three.
[36:54] Speaker 1: I'm the same.
[36:55] Speaker 2: I've been listening back and just going like.
[36:56] Speaker 1: Jesus, Hayley, fucking hell. Yeah.
[36:59] Speaker 2: You're not holding anything back.
[37:00] Speaker 1: But here's the thing.
[37:01] Speaker 2: We need room spray.
[37:02] Speaker 1: Oh, my God, we do need room spray. It's behind
[37:04] Speaker 1: your laptop. Can you see it? Yeah. I got it out.
[37:06] Speaker 3: I forgot to do it.
[37:07] Speaker 2: I know, and you forgot to cleanse us.
[37:09] Speaker 1: I'm going to squirt my yoni. While you're squirting, I
[37:12] Speaker 1: just want to say how proud of you I am. Yeah.
[37:15] Speaker 4: Like I think it's so easy to be like, oh,
[37:16] Speaker 4: it's Morgan. She talks about everything on the podcast. But
[37:20] Speaker 4: actually I see behind the scenes and every time she
[37:22] Speaker 4: decides to show up and be vulnerable and like share
[37:26] Speaker 4: these incredibly deep parts of herself, like it's not easy.
[37:31] Speaker 4: And I'm so proud of you because I see the
[37:33] Speaker 4: impact and I feel it myself massively that you have
[37:36] Speaker 4: on people with your vulnerability and And you're sharing of
[37:38] Speaker 4: these stories. And I just know that so many people
[37:41] Speaker 4: will hear that and that will mean so much to
[37:42] Speaker 4: them and they will start on their own journey. And
[37:45] Speaker 4: I just love you and I just think you're amazing.
[37:47] Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you so much for seeing me and
[37:50] Speaker 1: holding me and holding me through that time. Oh, it's
[37:53] Speaker 1: literally my pleasure. That mink blanket is there for you
[37:55] Speaker 1: any time. I mean, upgrade. Do you know what I mean?
[37:57] Speaker 1: Get well. Purge me. Purge me. Cleanse me. Purge me.
[38:02] Speaker 1: And I only cuddle. Yes. not that your minge needs cleansing.
[38:08] Speaker 3: No I've got I actually have apparently a delicious minge
[38:11] Speaker 3: oh my god okay we're cleansed I've got a massive
[38:25] Speaker 3: cry in my throat you know what I mean like
[38:26] Speaker 3: one of those like lumps do you wanna no no
[38:30] Speaker 3: I'm just gonna.
[38:30] Speaker 1: I just like I feel yeah I feel the power.
[38:35] Speaker 3: Yes.
[38:36] Speaker 2: I feel the power.
[38:37] Speaker 1: Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. Thank you, sisters. There is something
[38:44] Speaker 1: about this room. We do create a safe portal. And
[38:46] Speaker 1: I guess we like showing up here. Yeah. For a
[38:49] Speaker 1: real reason. And if we're not going to talk about
[38:51] Speaker 1: the real shit, then what's the point? Totally. We're just
[38:55] Speaker 1: another fucking chick podcast. You know what I mean? Like. Yeah.
[39:03] Speaker 2: What's your intention with this podcast? To change the fucking world.
[39:05] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[39:06] Speaker 4: Me joining this room and I've only shared little bits,
[39:08] Speaker 4: but like just casually naming my sexuality or talking about masturbating.
[39:11] Speaker 1: That is massive for me and it is. It's this
[39:13] Speaker 1: room and it's you gals and you're, yeah. I had
[39:16] Speaker 1: a vibrating egg in my anus the other week.
[39:18] Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
[39:20] Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Mate, I know what
[39:22] Speaker 1: you mean.
[39:22] Speaker 2: This week we're sharing trauma.
[39:24] Speaker 1: Exactly. We're everything. We are like an ice cream shop. Yeah.
[39:27] Speaker 1: We've got all the flavours. Yeah. You want vanilla? Fine.
[39:30] Speaker 1: No judge. We don't do a lot of vanilla. No, no.
[39:34] Speaker 2: We order low on vanilla. Yeah, we do.
[39:36] Speaker 1: You're not wrong. Okay. Okay, where do we go from here, Morgz? Well,
[39:40] Speaker 1: the thing is I work on myself and I get
[39:42] Speaker 1: to a point over a year later where I'm feeling
[39:44] Speaker 1: pretty good in my body. Feeling confident. I've been going
[39:47] Speaker 1: to the gym. Strength was good for me. Yeah. Feel
[39:50] Speaker 1: strong in my body. Yeah. And I go to a
[39:53] Speaker 1: Bruce Springsteen concert. Oh, my God. With my friends. I
[40:01] Speaker 1: love him.
[40:02] Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
[40:02] Speaker 1: Bruce is here.
[40:03] Speaker 2: Well, it's not the first time Bruce has been on
[40:04] Speaker 2: this podcast.
[40:05] Speaker 1: That's right. Season two. Season two.
[40:07] Speaker 2: I requested it.
[40:08] Speaker 1: Boom, boom, boom. Requested it in that hotel with those swingers.
[40:14] Speaker 1: Just to get the country music off.
[40:16] Speaker 2: Yeah, fair enough.
[40:18] Speaker 1: But also, Bruce does get me in the mood. Yeah.
[40:21] Speaker 1: And this is the origin story of it.
[40:23] Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
[40:24] Speaker 1: Fantastic. Another origin story. So I'm there. I'm with my
[40:30] Speaker 1: group of friends. I feel safe. I'm dancing away. And
[40:34] Speaker 1: I spot a very cute man. Bruce. Well, yeah.
[40:38] Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean? He just aged like
[40:40] Speaker 2: a fine wine.
[40:41] Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, I would not say no.
[40:43] Speaker 2: I would not say no.
[40:45] Speaker 1: Him in those denim pants.
[40:47] Speaker 2: That is a hard yes.
[40:48] Speaker 3: Yes.
[40:49] Speaker 1: That is a soft entrance yes for me.
[40:51] Speaker 2: Soft entrance yes.
[40:53] Speaker 1: Hard. Those hips. Oh. Hey, little girl, there's a daddy home.
[40:58] Speaker 1: That song's not great. It's problematic.
[40:59] Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a fucking weird song, eh?
[41:01] Speaker 1: I know. It's really confusing because not the words but
[41:04] Speaker 1: the music. It's hot. Whoa, I'm on fire. Oh. Tell me,
[41:11] Speaker 1: little girlie, is he good to you? Anyway, okay.
[41:16] Speaker 2: Sorry, no, you spot a gorgeous boy.
[41:17] Speaker 1: Oh, my God, yes. And he's got, like, tattoos. Hot.
[41:20] Speaker 1: And he's, like, got little Connie's on. Converse.
[41:24] Speaker 3: I was like, fuck, he came wrapped and ready.
[41:28] Speaker 1: You can see his pain and he's pre-wrapped. Efficient. Why, yeah,
[41:34] Speaker 1: he's like, I'm going to get the fuck around. What?
[41:36] Speaker 4: No.
[41:36] Speaker 2: He's got his converses on.
[41:39] Speaker 1: And I just thought. I'm going to be confident.
[41:42] Speaker 2: Hell yeah.
[41:42] Speaker 1: And I just looked at him and I flirted and
[41:45] Speaker 1: I eye fucked him. Yeah. How good's a good eye fucking?
[41:48] Speaker 1: That is an art. Yeah. I lured him over, you know,
[41:53] Speaker 1: and we started dancing and Dancing in the Dark came on.
[41:59] Speaker 1: And he was dancing behind me and grinding on me.
[42:03] Speaker 1: We were just having so much fun. He was like
[42:04] Speaker 1: twirling me and giggling. Oh, my God. And I was
[42:07] Speaker 1: like looking at him. It's like a movie. I know.
[42:09] Speaker 1: I know. It was beautiful. And he grabbed my chin
[42:12] Speaker 1: and he just slowly pulled it in. And we just
[42:15] Speaker 1: had this hot, hot dancing in the dark smooch.
[42:18] Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
[42:19] Speaker 1: And I just remember my body. Morgan living another fantasy.
[42:22] Speaker 1: I know. Guys have lived.
[42:25] Speaker 2: Fuck, she's lived.
[42:26] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. My body felt so safe. You know, I
[42:31] Speaker 1: really acknowledged that warmth and like openness and yumminess and
[42:37] Speaker 1: I had a little cry. I just felt like I'm back.
[42:40] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[42:41] Speaker 1: I can trust me and I'm feeling yummy.
[42:44] Speaker 2: And I'm listening to me.
[42:45] Speaker 1: Yes. And it was just, it was lovely. And then
[42:49] Speaker 1: he was up from Wellington, so he wasn't actually a
[42:52] Speaker 1: local guy, which was a bit of a shame. Gosh.
[42:54] Speaker 2: Enough of these bloody travellers.
[42:56] Speaker 1: Exactly. I know. Give me a full-time man. Give me
[42:59] Speaker 1: a full-time man. So it was the end of the concert.
[43:04] Speaker 1: He was going with his friends. I think they were
[43:06] Speaker 1: going to go into town. And my friend was hosting
[43:08] Speaker 1: like an after party at their house. And so I
[43:12] Speaker 1: gave him my number and just said pretty much like,
[43:15] Speaker 1: have a nice life, you know. And it was an
[43:18] Speaker 1: hour later, I get a call from him. He's like,
[43:19] Speaker 1: I want to see you again. Like, Oh, he felt
[43:22] Speaker 1: the chemistry. Yes. And I said, okay, here's the address.
[43:26] Speaker 1: And he turned up at my friend's place and he
[43:28] Speaker 1: actually knew my friend. They'd like gone to school together. Oh, amazing.
[43:32] Speaker 1: I know. It was such a strange little.
[43:34] Speaker 2: Another safety tick.
[43:35] Speaker 3: Yes.
[43:36] Speaker 1: I think that definitely helped with feeling like, yeah, he's
[43:38] Speaker 1: all good. Yeah. Anyways, we just talked nonstop for hours,
[43:43] Speaker 1: told me all about him, that he's a feminist. And
[43:45] Speaker 1: obviously I'm on my journey, you know, of really learning
[43:48] Speaker 1: about all these things and being quite fierce, you know,
[43:51] Speaker 1: in terms of like protective of my own self, protective
[43:54] Speaker 1: of other women. And so I was like, oh, yeah, right, whatever.
[43:57] Speaker 1: A man's a feminist.
[43:58] Speaker 2: Yeah, you all say that. What are you going to
[44:00] Speaker 2: say that you're not?
[44:02] Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly.
[44:03] Speaker 2: I'm a feminist. You're like, sure.
[44:05] Speaker 1: Yeah, you're right. I'm a woman.
[44:06] Speaker 2: So of course you'd say that.
[44:08] Speaker 1: You just tell me what you want me to hear.
[44:10] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[44:11] Speaker 1: So the party was like wrapping up and he said–
[44:15] Speaker 1: Can I come home with you? And I was like,
[44:22] Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't want anything like sexy. I
[44:25] Speaker 1: just want to keep talking to you. And we'd been
[44:28] Speaker 1: having a few smooches in between our chats. And I
[44:30] Speaker 1: was like, do you know what? That would be really nice.
[44:33] Speaker 1: And I said, but I agree, like nothing sexy. You
[44:35] Speaker 1: can come and we can snuggle up. This feels nice.
[44:39] Speaker 1: And so we get home and we do talk. For
[44:43] Speaker 1: a long time. But also those magical kisses. Yeah. I mean,
[44:46] Speaker 1: they put a spell on me. Yeah. And we put
[44:49] Speaker 1: Bruce Springsteen on again. And I just felt beautiful. He
[44:56] Speaker 1: was just saying gorgeous things to me. I felt confident.
[44:59] Speaker 1: I was safe in my own home. And I was like,
[45:03] Speaker 1: I'm going to give this guy a gobby.
[45:07] Speaker 2: Your choice of words. I just love that you call
[45:10] Speaker 2: them gobbies.
[45:10] Speaker 1: Why? Because it's like this really beautiful evening. He's talking, kisses.
[45:15] Speaker 2: Then I gave him a gobby.
[45:17] Speaker 1: Then I gave him a gobby. Look, I've never pretended
[45:20] Speaker 1: to be a classy broad. You ain't a classy broad.
[45:22] Speaker 2: You sucked him off.
[45:26] Speaker 1: You got on your knees and you sucked him off,
[45:29] Speaker 1: didn't you? You're not wrong. I did get on my knees. Yeah,
[45:31] Speaker 1: you got on your knees. I took his shirt off.
[45:35] Speaker 1: And then I undressed in front of him just like
[45:37] Speaker 1: my own. And just felt myself and I was in
[45:41] Speaker 1: my lingerie. And in my room I had this big
[45:45] Speaker 1: double mirrored wardrobe. We're standing there. He was next to
[45:50] Speaker 1: the bed and I started to under his pants. And
[45:54] Speaker 1: he was like, really? And I was like, oh, yeah.
[45:57] Speaker 1: And so I started like taking them off and I
[45:59] Speaker 1: was going down. So I was like up down on
[46:01] Speaker 1: my knees as I like pulled his pants down. And
[46:04] Speaker 1: then told him to sit on the end of the bed.
[46:06] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[46:07] Speaker 1: And then I was on all fours. And honestly, I
[46:10] Speaker 1: just wanted to like worship this man. Oh my gosh.
[46:13] Speaker 2: Wait, is your ass pointing the mirror?
[46:14] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[46:15] Speaker 2: Oh my God, the fucking view this guy's getting, eh?
[46:17] Speaker 1: Yeah. Spicy.
[46:21] Speaker 3: God, the guys love a view from the backside.
[46:23] Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Like.
[46:26] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[46:27] Speaker 3: When I seen a butt pic, they go like harder
[46:29] Speaker 3: than tit pics.
[46:30] Speaker 1: A hundred percent. The butt from the rear, it's primal,
[46:33] Speaker 1: I reckon.
[46:33] Speaker 3: It's just juicy and they want to like eat it.
[46:36] Speaker 1: Oh my God, do they want. The good guys want
[46:39] Speaker 1: to eat it. Yeah, the good guys want to eat it. Yeah.
[46:41] Speaker 1: Everybody's eating ass, guys. Get on board. Yeah. Don't miss
[46:43] Speaker 1: the ass train.
[46:44] Speaker 2: What, are you just leaving it all to the gays?
[46:46] Speaker 3: Oh.
[46:47] Speaker 1: Man, they've been enjoying that shit for years. They've had
[46:49] Speaker 1: enough of that pie.
[46:51] Speaker 2: Have a munch.
[46:52] Speaker 1: Have a munch. Back and front. Back and front. So
[46:55] Speaker 1: I'm down there. I'm on my knees and I slowly
[47:00] Speaker 1: take his cock into my mouth.
[47:01] Speaker 2: Oh my God, I just got a pussy flutter.
[47:03] Speaker 1: Yeah. I was fluttering and I was confident and I
[47:07] Speaker 1: was loving it. And I did not take my eyes
[47:09] Speaker 1: off his eyes. And he just like watched me and
[47:14] Speaker 1: he was just like stroking my face and like holding
[47:17] Speaker 1: the top of my head in the most lovely kind
[47:19] Speaker 1: of shook, kind of trying to hold on way. And
[47:23] Speaker 1: then after a while I was like, oh, he's been
[47:24] Speaker 1: watching me for too long. And I said, stop it,
[47:27] Speaker 1: look in the mirror, and just made him watch that
[47:31] Speaker 1: booty shot. Yeah. And he just, like, exploded. Exploded, yeah. Yep,
[47:39] Speaker 1: that'll do it. Yep. And, oh, what a night. I'm
[47:46] Speaker 1: feeling flushed out. I feel remembering. Oh, hot walks. Yeah. Yeah.
[47:53] Speaker 1: once he'd recovered he's like right let me eat you
[47:56] Speaker 1: out and I was like oh god I do love
[48:00] Speaker 1: that that's my most favorite thing but I can't like
[48:02] Speaker 1: I'm on my period and he was like I don't
[48:06] Speaker 1: care about that yeah I love that I remember like
[48:09] Speaker 1: looking at him and being like could I and I
[48:12] Speaker 1: was like nah and he goes let me prove how
[48:15] Speaker 1: much of a feminist I am and I'm looking at
[48:17] Speaker 1: him and I'm going I'm You all right?
[48:21] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
[48:22] Speaker 1: So I go, take my tampon out. Mm-hmm.
[48:26] Speaker 2: Do you give it a spritz? I like to spritz mine.
[48:28] Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
[48:28] Speaker 2: I get the shower head and I kind of hollow
[48:31] Speaker 2: it out.
[48:32] Speaker 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Flush it out. You shouldn't have high
[48:35] Speaker 1: water going up and in. It should be downwards on
[48:38] Speaker 1: the vulva. Gets a good, gets a good, gets a good,
[48:40] Speaker 1: gets a good, gets a good, gets a good clean.
[48:44] Speaker 1: You're showing a bit giddy. Gets a good bit giddy.
[48:46] Speaker 1: Gets a good bit giddy. Period sex is so newly
[48:49] Speaker 1: talked about. Well, no, I didn't. I just got the flannel.
[48:52] Speaker 2: Sorry, Rachel.
[48:52] Speaker 1: It would have been a communal flannel from the house.
[48:54] Speaker 2: Oh, for fuck's sake, Rach.
[48:56] Speaker 1: Oh, my God. That's grim. Oh, Rach.
[49:01] Speaker 2: I'm so sorry. I'm sorry too.
[49:04] Speaker 1: Kind of. I guess I have to prove how much
[49:07] Speaker 1: of a feminist I am.
[49:08] Speaker 2: No, it's fine.
[49:08] Speaker 1: Don't worry about it.
[49:10] Speaker 2: What's a bit of period blood between friends?
[49:12] Speaker 1: Yeah, it's good. You've already smeared someone else's blood on
[49:14] Speaker 1: your face in season one. That's true. But I hadn't
[49:17] Speaker 1: at this point in time in my life. No. So,
[49:18] Speaker 1: you know, bloody stuff was new for me. Yeah. So
[49:21] Speaker 1: I went back into the room and he was just
[49:25] Speaker 1: so passionate with my whole body. I think it's really
[49:30] Speaker 1: being the feminist. Like he literally licked out my armpit first,
[49:35] Speaker 1: you know. Yeah, okay. And then he really made a
[49:39] Speaker 1: meal out of me.
[49:40] Speaker 2: Fuck yeah.
[49:41] Speaker 1: And he... Was down there for a long time. So
[49:45] Speaker 1: it wasn't like he was just doing a quick licky lala.
[49:47] Speaker 1: Obligatory licky lala. Oh no, he had a point to prove.
[49:50] Speaker 1: Fuck yeah. And I loved it. Yeah. And I felt
[49:56] Speaker 1: free and liberated. Wow. And I was screaming. Yeah. I
[50:03] Speaker 1: don't know if I kept you up that night, Rach. Probably.
[50:05] Speaker 1: Rach has probably heard many things.
[50:06] Speaker 2: Yeah, she probably.
[50:07] Speaker 1: Yeah, she has, actually. I mean, which night was it?
[50:09] Speaker 1: Who would ever know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[50:10] Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
[50:11] Speaker 1: Bloody hell. Yeah. And then we snuggled up for the
[50:14] Speaker 1: night together, just spooned all night long, just this cute
[50:17] Speaker 1: little safe little hold. And it was beautiful. Oh, bloody
[50:24] Speaker 1: Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And then he left. And
[50:29] Speaker 1: he was like, I'm back in Auckland in like two weeks'
[50:31] Speaker 1: time for a Justin Bieber concert.
[50:33] Speaker 2: God, he's got a vast array of musical taste, doesn't he?
[50:36] Speaker 1: Yeah. He was a bit of a quirky guy.
[50:38] Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Surprising. Yeah.
[50:41] Speaker 1: And I said, yeah, we'll catch up then. And yeah,
[50:45] Speaker 1: we did see each other a bit. But what was
[50:47] Speaker 1: even better was that we found each other on Instagram
[50:50] Speaker 1: after that. And he had a poem page. And he
[50:55] Speaker 1: wrote a poem. So I've actually got the poem there
[50:57] Speaker 1: for you.
[50:58] Speaker 2: Can I open this now?
[50:59] Speaker 1: Yes.
[51:03] Speaker 2: Fuck.
[51:04] Speaker 1: Oh, fuck.
[51:08] Speaker 2: Oh, shit a brick.
[51:10] Speaker 1: Oh, no. Okay.
[51:12] Speaker 2: Oh, I was a big fan of this guy.
[51:14] Speaker 1: Then what? So just to paint the picture for our listeners. Mm-hmm.
[51:21] Speaker 3: There is like a kind of, remember DeviantArt, you know,
[51:25] Speaker 3: that sort of clip art sort of thing. Grey background
[51:29] Speaker 3: with a splattering of blood.
[51:34] Speaker 2: Here we go. Here's from the Instagram post.
[51:37] Speaker 3: Words fall like menstrual blood down her thighs. I know
[51:42] Speaker 3: she's worried. She's probably more worried that I'm not worried.
[51:47] Speaker 3: She's probably terrified that vampires now walk in sunlight.
[51:55] Speaker 1: Like it's not. It's poetic for sure.
[51:58] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[52:02] Speaker 1: The menstrual blood splattering. I know.
[52:05] Speaker 2: Is a lot to absorb.
[52:08] Speaker 1: Yeah, it's quite graphic.
[52:10] Speaker 3: What was your immediate take on the... What was your
[52:14] Speaker 3: immediate response to this poem?
[52:15] Speaker 1: Oh, I felt like I was back in the olden days,
[52:19] Speaker 1: like I was being romanced.
[52:20] Speaker 3: Do you want me to read it again? Just to, yeah.
[52:24] Speaker 3: Words fall like menstrual blood down her thighs. I know
[52:28] Speaker 3: she's worried. She's probably more worried than I'm not worried.
[52:30] Speaker 3: She's probably terrified that vampires might walk in sunlight.
[52:34] Speaker 1: I thought this guy loved me. Yeah. After that, I
[52:36] Speaker 1: was like, wow. I mean, they don't write a poem
[52:39] Speaker 1: about you if they're not thinking about you again. Totally.
[52:41] Speaker 3: You gave them an arse view and a, brilliant gobby
[52:44] Speaker 3: and then he munched you.
[52:46] Speaker 1: Well this is the thing this guy actually he said
[52:50] Speaker 1: I can't think like whenever there's a song on about
[52:52] Speaker 1: like giving head he's like I always think about you
[52:55] Speaker 1: like you've ruined head for.
[52:56] Speaker 2: Me oh that's a bugger yeah yeah sorry dude I.
[53:00] Speaker 1: Really like that guy what happened oh we're still friends
[53:05] Speaker 1: yeah it just wasn't meant to be no no no
[53:08] Speaker 1: no he's popped in and out throughout the years and
[53:10] Speaker 1: has sort of talked about being the one that got
[53:12] Speaker 1: away right And that's fine. But we were never meant
[53:16] Speaker 1: for each other. It was just a beautiful, like, few moments,
[53:20] Speaker 1: few times together. Couple of poems. Couple of poems.
[53:24] Speaker 2: Couple of munches.
[53:26] Speaker 1: Gobbies between friends. Yeah, why not? You know? Just wasn't
[53:30] Speaker 1: meant to be, you know? Another thing, he was in Wellies,
[53:32] Speaker 1: I was in Auckland. Neither of us willing to move
[53:35] Speaker 1: or change or, you know?
[53:37] Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
[53:38] Speaker 1: What could have been in another life but not for
[53:40] Speaker 1: this one? Mm-hmm. So, here we are. Well, here we aren't.
[53:54] Speaker 1: Say more.
[53:55] Speaker 2: Well, okay.
[53:56] Speaker 3: What we have promised is a quest to love. We've
[54:01] Speaker 3: had highs and we've had lows. We've had very high highs.
[54:03] Speaker 3: We've had very low lows. We've just finished with a
[54:07] Speaker 3: poem about menstrual blood after a guy gave you a
[54:10] Speaker 3: rainbow pash.
[54:11] Speaker 2: Do you remember those? Do you remember that's what they
[54:13] Speaker 2: called it?
[54:13] Speaker 1: What's that? Rainbow pash. No, the Domio Grin.
[54:15] Speaker 3: They always called it rainbow pash. Dolmio Grin is awful.
[54:19] Speaker 3: That's fucking horrendous.
[54:21] Speaker 1: Wait, what's a rainbow kiss? Just the red blood? Yeah. Yeah,
[54:25] Speaker 1: I don't know. Rainbow pash. It should be raspberry pash. Yeah, totally. Oh, no. Oh, well,
[54:30] Speaker 1: I'll correct all of the people growing up in.
[54:31] Speaker 2: The early 2000s.
[54:32] Speaker 1: Just send the memo out, would you? Yeah.
[54:34] Speaker 3: So you've left us. You're in Auckland, where you still are.
[54:37] Speaker 3: You are on a path to being a somatic sexologist,
[54:40] Speaker 3: which you now are. I know you've... Dated throughout the
[54:44] Speaker 3: years and then you found yourself at sex school with
[54:49] Speaker 3: Long Shlong and then you found yourself with Cowboy doing
[54:52] Speaker 3: all of the tricks for season two. Where's the love?
[54:59] Speaker 1: I know, mate. I know. And I feel like I've
[55:03] Speaker 1: let the team down. Hey, no, you haven't. Thank you. Well,
[55:09] Speaker 1: here's the thing.
[55:10] Speaker 3: Yes, we desperately want it for you. Yes, it would
[55:13] Speaker 3: be a nice resolve.
[55:16] Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, the thing is that I knew this
[55:20] Speaker 1: season was going to be hard for me. This is
[55:22] Speaker 1: me burying my heart. My heart yearnings and my heart hurts.
[55:26] Speaker 1: And I planned on 10 episodes. And then I had
[55:30] Speaker 1: written on a document episode 11. And I wrote at
[55:34] Speaker 1: the top, Morgan finds her one true love. You're aware
[55:38] Speaker 1: that this is ep 10, right? That this is it.
[55:42] Speaker 1: You're aware that this is ep 10? Yeah, mate.
[55:44] Speaker 3: Episode 11, Morgan finds her one true love.
[55:47] Speaker 1: So, spoiler alert, in this present moment, I haven't found
[55:52] Speaker 1: my one true love. No, I know this. So.
[55:55] Speaker 3: You keep everything a secret from me in terms of
[55:57] Speaker 3: what's in the podcast, but I am aware enough of
[56:00] Speaker 3: your life to know that there is not a Mr. Right.
[56:01] Speaker 1: No. No. To put it shortly, like the quest for
[56:04] Speaker 1: love continues. And I have told stories this season that
[56:08] Speaker 1: I didn't plan to tell, that I didn't even realise
[56:11] Speaker 1: were important to tell. But I know that if there's
[56:15] Speaker 1: something that is like stuck in my throat that feels
[56:17] Speaker 1: hard to tell, I know that there are thousands of
[56:21] Speaker 1: others feeling the same way that will never be able
[56:24] Speaker 1: to tell others. And it's important that I do because
[56:27] Speaker 1: of what I want to do in my lifetime, which
[56:30] Speaker 1: is liberate women, especially liberate all people sexually, of course.
[56:35] Speaker 1: But I've got to fly that flag. And I'm really
[56:37] Speaker 1: lucky that we've got this platform that we can do
[56:40] Speaker 1: this on. Yes, I know. And that's why the season
[56:43] Speaker 1: has taken longer to get to where I wanted to
[56:45] Speaker 1: get to. Yeah. And what I've also realized, and it's
[56:48] Speaker 1: been fucking healing for me, actually, to be held in
[56:51] Speaker 1: the safe space with these two beautiful women in this room.
[56:55] Speaker 1: The social conditioning of slut shaming is so strong. Even
[57:01] Speaker 1: in me who wants to change the world and the
[57:04] Speaker 1: shame that I have held about my sexual past that
[57:07] Speaker 1: I've just aired out here for everybody, it has to change.
[57:12] Speaker 1: Like the judgment around myself in this has shifted throughout
[57:17] Speaker 1: these last 10 eps. And it's still a work on. And...
[57:24] Speaker 1: I've had to do this. This has been so healing
[57:27] Speaker 1: for my heart. It's been an integration piece. And now
[57:30] Speaker 1: I know that actually how I want to show up
[57:34] Speaker 1: will be different. And, mate, I mean, the quest continues. Like,
[57:40] Speaker 1: I'm ready to keep going if you're ready to keep going.
[57:44] Speaker 1: I'm going nowhere. No, I mean, as in, yes, I'll
[57:48] Speaker 1: keep going. Yeah.
[57:49] Speaker 2: I'm not leaving. I'm not getting off the fucking train.
[57:51] Speaker 1: Okay. Well, I kind of want to do something different then. Yeah.
[57:56] Speaker 1: I want people's help. I feel like the listener is
[57:59] Speaker 1: on the journey. I feel like people are invested.
[58:03] Speaker 2: Wait, are we sending you our recommendations?
[58:05] Speaker 1: Yes. Fuck yes.
[58:10] Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
[58:11] Speaker 1: This is the thing, right? You get the apps. I
[58:13] Speaker 1: get it.
[58:13] Speaker 2: The apps work for some people, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
[58:16] Speaker 3: There is nothing that quite beats someone who knows you,
[58:19] Speaker 3: and I feel like our listeners know you very well.
[58:20] Speaker 1: Exactly.
[58:21] Speaker 2: Going online.
[58:22] Speaker 1: Actually, I've got someone in mind. Yeah. Okay. Oh, my God.
[58:27] Speaker 1: The nation.
[58:28] Speaker 3: The world.
[58:29] Speaker 1: Look, I'm 39. I'm pulling out all stops. We've got
[58:34] Speaker 1: to get this quest for love cranking.
[58:36] Speaker 2: Okay. So how do you want them to do this?
[58:39] Speaker 1: Well, yeah, I haven't figured that piece out. Okay. I
[58:44] Speaker 1: will come back to you. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I had
[58:48] Speaker 1: a conversation with a neighbour the other day. He's just
[58:51] Speaker 1: started listening to the podcast. Good Lord. And he knows
[58:54] Speaker 1: that I'm, like, ready to settle down. And he goes,
[58:57] Speaker 1: I've been thinking, I reckon you'd be a real hard
[58:59] Speaker 1: woman to tame. And I thought, wow. Men still think
[59:05] Speaker 1: these kind of things out there? This is the gaze of, like,
[59:08] Speaker 1: women They're there to be tamed. Oh, I hate that. Well,
[59:12] Speaker 1: don't you worry, honey, because I'm not looking to be tamed.
[59:16] Speaker 1: And that's what I really thought because I've also held
[59:18] Speaker 1: shame around that I am too much. Oh, fuck that.
[59:22] Speaker 1: Too wild. And I actually really felt like leave me wild.
[59:28] Speaker 2: Yeah, shit yes.
[59:29] Speaker 1: Love me wild. Yes. Because that is who I am.
[59:32] Speaker 2: And there are men that will.
[59:33] Speaker 1: Yeah. And that's why I feel brave enough to tell
[59:36] Speaker 1: these stories I don't want to tell is because I
[59:38] Speaker 1: know that the right man will love all of me. Yeah.
[59:43] Speaker 1: And that has been really healing as well to become
[59:45] Speaker 1: really empowered in that space. I've seen it.
[59:47] Speaker 2: Yeah, I've seen it grow.
[59:49] Speaker 1: Have you?
[59:49] Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
[59:51] Speaker 3: You know, I mentioned earlier that thing of like, there
[59:53] Speaker 3: was a moment professionally where you put your foot down
[59:56] Speaker 3: and I was like, far out it was just a
[59:59] Speaker 3: moment of really exhibiting something an energy shift in you
[1:00:02] Speaker 3: that I've noticed for sure thank you for seeing and
[1:00:07] Speaker 3: I love I always.
[1:00:08] Speaker 1: See you also I just it was like it's a
[1:00:10] Speaker 1: hard episode to have.
[1:00:11] Speaker 3: Brought it up but your tits look phenomenal today aye
[1:00:15] Speaker 3: yeah like I was like did she get a job done.
[1:00:19] Speaker 1: This is my Victoria's Secret bra that's actually so old
[1:00:22] Speaker 1: that it's.
[1:00:22] Speaker 3: Coming apart oh my god the last time you wore
[1:00:24] Speaker 3: that bra I literally said your tits look great yeah
[1:00:26] Speaker 3: I have been looking at them. Yeah, like they look
[1:00:29] Speaker 3: like 20-year-old tits.
[1:00:31] Speaker 1: Thank you. Well, that's the thing about small tits is
[1:00:34] Speaker 1: like once you do voice them up, they still look young.
[1:00:36] Speaker 3: Mine are so big and kind of loose now from
[1:00:40] Speaker 3: gaining weight and losing weight.
[1:00:42] Speaker 1: Yeah, but still delicious. Oh, my God, they're delicious. Oh,
[1:00:46] Speaker 1: my gosh. But I can't do that. That's... Right. Wow.
[1:00:50] Speaker 1: God damn. My partner touches my belly button and goes,
[1:00:53] Speaker 1: is that your boob?
[1:00:53] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[1:00:57] Speaker 1: And sometimes it is. And sometimes it is. Oh, my God. Okay. Well,
[1:01:04] Speaker 1: thank you all for being. Are we doing home play
[1:01:07] Speaker 1: for our last episode? No.
[1:01:08] Speaker 2: Or are we having a break?
[1:01:09] Speaker 1: We're having a break. Okay. I think we've worked. Not
[1:01:11] Speaker 1: shoving anything anywhere?
[1:01:12] Speaker 2: Well, you can.
[1:01:13] Speaker 1: Not laying or grinding on something or fucking something? Well,
[1:01:16] Speaker 1: I just.
[1:01:16] Speaker 3: Crawling on the floor or slip slopping or scratching myself
[1:01:19] Speaker 3: or wetting myself?
[1:01:21] Speaker 2: I think all of that.
[1:01:22] Speaker 1: Okay. I think that feels right for you, actually. I
[1:01:23] Speaker 1: want to get freaky. You want to get freaky?
[1:01:25] Speaker 2: I'm going to get freaky.
[1:01:26] Speaker 1: Okay, what does freaky look like to you in this moment?
[1:01:28] Speaker 1: I don't know, but I'm putting down a towel. Did I?
[1:01:33] Speaker 2: Oh, fuck, no, that's too much.
[1:01:36] Speaker 1: What?
[1:01:36] Speaker 3: Remember when I sent you that message being like.
[1:01:42] Speaker 1: What's coming? Remember when I made... I'm just acting dumb.
[1:01:46] Speaker 1: I'm acting dumb. I don't know. No, what are you
[1:01:48] Speaker 1: talking about? It's too much. Is it?
[1:01:52] Speaker 2: I just was like, what if my mum's listening?
[1:01:55] Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I've had to move through that as well. No,
[1:01:58] Speaker 1: I'm a professional.
[1:01:59] Speaker 2: People have to look at me in multiple ways.
[1:02:01] Speaker 1: Okay.
[1:02:01] Speaker 2: It's so irrelevant to anything.
[1:02:03] Speaker 1: We've just talked about.
[1:02:03] Speaker 2: I just felt like sharing.
[1:02:05] Speaker 1: What is not relevant in this space?
[1:02:07] Speaker 3: I was just joking about when I said, oh, I
[1:02:09] Speaker 3: feel like getting freaky this week.
[1:02:10] Speaker 2: And you said, what?
[1:02:11] Speaker 3: And I said, well, all I know is I'm going
[1:02:12] Speaker 3: to put a towel down. And I had a flashback
[1:02:14] Speaker 3: to when I made myself squirt super duper hard. Remember
[1:02:20] Speaker 3: when I messaged you and I was.
[1:02:21] Speaker 1: Like, holy shit. She was a messy one. You know,
[1:02:25] Speaker 1: that really shocked you. Yeah. That your body could create
[1:02:28] Speaker 1: such a beautiful water fountain.
[1:02:30] Speaker 3: Flood.
[1:02:31] Speaker 1: Yeah. Okay, so what are we saying?
[1:02:33] Speaker 3: Are we saying goodbye? Are we saying see you maybe?
[1:02:35] Speaker 3: Are we saying Morgan's going to come back to you?
[1:02:37] Speaker 1: I'm saying the quest for love continues and I will
[1:02:41] Speaker 1: pop up somewhere and I'll be ready for your help.
[1:02:45] Speaker 1: Morgan Pym.
[1:02:47] Speaker 2: What a beautiful, beautiful way to end. Goodbye, everybody.
[1:02:52] Speaker 1: Goodbye.
[1:02:55] Speaker 2: Us not wanting to leave.
[1:02:56] Speaker 1: I know. I know. I'm like, have I got some
[1:02:58] Speaker 1: more wisdom? Find pleasure. Yeah. In the darkest places.
[1:03:02] Speaker 2: Listen to your nose.
[1:03:04] Speaker 1: Oh, I thought you meant my nose. We've both got
[1:03:06] Speaker 1: a hell of a nose. Oh my God. Yeah, we've
[1:03:08] Speaker 1: got a good nose.
[1:03:09] Speaker 2: Got good noses.
[1:03:10] Speaker 1: Maybe we should write songs to each other about our noses.
[1:03:13] Speaker 1: Mine's got a little nose. Still flick on the end.
[1:03:17] Speaker 1: Why is that a kid's song? Okay, we're being silly.
[1:03:19] Speaker 1: We've got to go.
[1:03:20] Speaker 2: Goodbye.
[1:03:21] Speaker 1: We simply must leave, darling. Love you all and thanks
[1:03:23] Speaker 1: for being here. Ciao. Wow, what a season. That was
[1:03:27] Speaker 1: quite big. Thanks for being here. But it's definitely time
[1:03:31] Speaker 1: to pop a bottle of Romeo and Juliet Prosecco, kick
[1:03:34] Speaker 1: back and take a moment to reflect or just relax.
[1:03:38] Speaker 1: Thanks to Pascua, House of the Unconventional, for keeping the
[1:03:41] Speaker 1: spirit of home play alive. Because even when the episodes pause,
[1:03:45] Speaker 1: the curiosity, the reflection, and the sexy self-play never stop.
[1:03:50] Speaker 1: Stay curious, stay sexy, and we'll see you soon.

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