# The One Thing Your Teen Really Needs From a Parent: Emotional Regulation

An episode of [Parenting Teenagers Untangled](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1601611493), 7 Jan 2026, 49 min.

Audio: https://pdcn.co/e/www.buzzsprout.com/1882538/episodes/18461732-the-one-thing-your-teen-really-needs-from-a-parent-emotional-regulation.mp3

Ask Rachel anything This episode will change how you see “bad behaviour” and might just change how you see yourself, too. In this powerful conversation, with Dr Jody Carrington unpack what every parent and teacher needs to know about emotional regulation – and why you’re probably doing better than you think. In this episode, we cover: • What emotional regulation really is • The “flipped lid” model and the role of the prefrontal cortex • Why kids don’t “lose their goodness” – they just lose access to it • Why your regulation matters more than any parenting hack • “If the big people aren’t okay, the little people don’t stand a chance” • How our phones, watches and constant comparison are quietly dysregulating us • Behavior, consequences and connection • Why a strict rewards-and-punishments model backfires • The shift from “What’s wrong with this child?” to “What happened to this child?” • Repair: the real superpower in families and classrooms • Why the best predictor of lasting relationships is the capacity to repair • How to apologise to your child (and your partner) in ways that actually heal • Practical tools you can use today • The phrases “Tell me more” and “What’s the hardest part?” • The “collect before you direct” principle • Everyday connection habits: eyes, car rides, bedtime, food, and shared interests • Hope for worried, exhausted parents • Why kids should be “worst” with you (and why that’s a good sign) • The 30% rule that lets you drop the perfectionism and keep going. Dr Jody Carrington: https://www.drjodycarrington.com Support the show Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits. Find all the tips from the episode on Substack: My email teenagersuntangled@gmail.com My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me Instagram Facebook

## Chapters

- 1:37 Jody introduces the idea that we’re all born with three ways to regulate emotion and why big people must teach this.
- 2:02 Hand/brain demonstration; 0:02:54 – explanation of the prefrontal cortex as the storehouse of everything we’ve learned.
- 3:40 Why babies “lose their minds,” Ram Dass’s “walking each other home,” and why regulation is “in our bones.”
- 5:10 Universal response to a crying infant; we are neurobiologically wired to pick them up and regulate through rhythm.
- 6:35 Generational trauma, abuse, and why dysregulated adults can’t model regulation; “you can’t give away what you’ve never received.”
- 7:40 Watson & Skinner, shocks and pigeons; how behaviorism focuses on compliance but ignores relationship and connection.
- 8:34 Lighthearted torture example; shift to the loss of everyday connection in modern family life.
- 9:20 Small houses, constant proximity, built‑in repair; now: rising anxiety, depression, and Jody’s “no bad babies” stance.
- 10:40 Why Jody insists on seeing parents first; emotional regulation as a repeated practice in the family, not a one‑hour fix.
- 11:20 From one mother‑in‑law’s opinion to 48 million opinions at 2 a.m.; first generation of parents with social media.
- 12:39 ody’s honesty: bestselling book, but she loses it with her own children; the gap between knowledge and practice.
- 13:57 The “30% rule”: you only need to be regulated and connected about 30% of the time to raise regulated kids
- 14:30 Dropped shoulders, relaxed tongue, wiggly toes; why waking up to phones and wearables spikes cortisol.
- 15:44 Neurochemistry, Kale, Yoga & Pointless Self‑Care 0:15:44 – Why you can “do all the yoga” but it’s wasted in a dysregulated body; the real goal is bringing yourself home.
- 16:24 The “Light Up”: Being Irrationally Passionate About Your Child 0:16:24 – Toni Morrison’s “light up,” airport reunions, dogs vs humans, and why the ones who need it most are hardest to give it to.
- 17:44 Attention as the Purest Form of Generosity 0:17:44 – Phones stealing our attention; kids feeling the “cold shoulder” when we look at screens instead of them.
- 18:29 Attention Fragmentation at Home 0:18:29 – Double‑screening, Block Blast during family movie night, and a son calling Jody out on her phone use.
- 18:29 Attention Fragmentation at Home 0:18:29 – Double‑screening, Block Blast during family movie night, and a son calling Jody out on her phone use.
- 19:21 Repair: The #1 Predictor of Lasting Relationships 0:19:21 – Gottmans’ research: capacity to repair predicts which marriages survive; why apologising to kids is essential.
- 20:04 Modelling Apologies in Front of Children 0:20:04 – Jody’s story of dragging her husband back to apologise in front of the kids – and how messy, real repair looks.
- 21:00 “Collect Before You Direct” 0:21:00 – Why consequences during dysregulation don’t land; pulling the prefrontal cortex back online before you teach.
- 22:10 Timeouts for You, Not Them 0:22:10 – Why sending kids away doesn’t magically calm them; why adults often need the real “timeout.”
- 23:20 Why We Want Kids’ Hearts Broken at Home 0:23:20 – Using the safety of the relationship to help them practice heartbreak, failure and repair while you’re still there.
- 24:25 The Power of “Tell Me More” & “What Am I Missing?” 0:24:25 – Using curiosity instead of lectures when kids say “I hate you”; phrases that bring lids back online.
- 25:05 Emotional Regulation as Life‑Saving, Not Just Nice 0:25:05 – “Anxiety and depression won’t kill you; not talking about it might.” Importance of emotional language, especially for boys and men.
- 26:00 Working With the “Hardest” Kids 0:26:00 – Jody’s 10 years on an inpatient psychiatric unit; moving from “What’s wrong with this one?” to “What happened here?”
- 27:15 Attention Seeking vs Connection Seeking 0:27:15 – Why kids escalate to get seen; lack of acknowledgment pushes them into chaos to secure connection.
- 28:21 Teachers, Relationships, and Learning 0:28:21 – Educators as relationship builders first; you can’t teach literacy and numeracy to dysregulated kids.
- 29:15 Five Everyday Connection Practices 0:29:15 – Teaser of Jody’s top five: genuine interest, eyes, car rides, bedtime, and food as regulatory tools.
- 29:39 1) Show Genuine Interest in What They Love 0:29:39 – Joining kids in video games, music, Sephora, Taylor Swift, Clash of Clans – “seek first to understand.”
- 31:15 Why eye contact matters; cars as magical side‑by‑side spaces where teens open up.
- 32:00 Bedtime Check‑Ins 0:32:00 – Knocking on doors, feet holds, back rubs, and the surprising late‑night confessions of tweens and teens.
- 33:10 Food as a Secret Regulation Tool 0:33:10 – “You cannot chew and swallow with a flipped lid”; using snacks to help kids (and adults) come back online.
- 34:05 Hospital Story: From Rage to Repair With Snacks 0:34:05 – Jody’s example of de‑escalating a highly dysregulated child on the unit using silence, cookies, and timing.
- 36:10 Teaching, Consequences and Over‑Apologising 0:36:10 – Once the lid is back on, then you teach and talk consequences; kids often suggest bigger reparations than we would.
- 38:00 Why It Never “Works” Once and For All 0:38:00 – The relationship approach is supposed to be undone daily; their job is to lose their minds, ours is to walk them home again.
- 39:20 Judge Your Parenting by Other People’s Children 0:39:20 – Why your kids “should” be worst with you – and why good reports from others mean you can relax a little.
- 43:23 Normalising Parental Incompetence & Fear 0:43:23 – Jody and her husband joking about quitting parenting; how even experts feel lost with their own teens.
- 45:35 Our Greatest Investment Is in Each Other 0:45:35 – Not kids, but the adults around them; the need for community, support, and shared cups being refilled.

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