# 226. When people put you on a pedestal... (the cost of being a high achiever)

An episode of [Secluded Thoughts](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1561515782), 8 Feb 2026, 1 h 00 min.

Audio: https://audio3.redcircle.com/episodes/8d42be05-8f3f-44a4-a35d-d1028e922d10/stream.mp3

If you’re a high achiever, you may be dealing with what I call pedestal relationships — where people place you on a pedestal, expect you to always have it together, and then don’t show up for you the same way they show up for others. In this episode I share how I realized this was happening in my life, the signs I ignored at first, and the changes I’m making so my relationships aren’t built on me being the “strong one” all the time. \[Substack Post \] The Weight of Being Placed on a Pedestal: https://diaryofahighachiever.substack.com/p/the-weight-of-being-placed-on-a-pedestal Journal for High Achievers: https://secludedthoughts.com/doha Need help becoming the best version of yourself?: https://secludedthoughts.com/masterclass Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

## Transcript

[0:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you are a high achiever or a very ambitious young lady, you are likely dealing with pedestal relationships right now, whether you know it or not.
[0:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You may have felt the weight of it, you may have felt the imbalance, you may have felt what I'm about to describe, but you may not have had the vocabulary for it, but you have been impacted by the consequences of it.
[0:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have not really heard people talk about it or give language to it, so I'm going to attempt to do that today.
[0:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I call it pedestal relationships.
[0:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know if there's a better term I haven't heard anything, but basically what a pedestal relationship is is where people place you on a pedestal by creating a version of you in their head that
[0:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They expect to meet very lofty expectations of perfection that you aren't even aware of, nor did you ever even claim to be that person.
[0:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[0:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They place very high expectations on you.
[0:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They have this idea of who they think you are and you are not allowed to be human.
[1:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They deny your humanity when you fail to meet that version of you that they thought you were.
[1:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's you don't even know anything about.
[1:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They punish you for it instead of meeting you with the same kindness and compassion that they would meet any other regular human being that they did not place on a pedestal.
[1:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: With you, it's about judgment for failing to meet their expectations, whereas with another person it might just be, or you made a mistake, let me show up for you.
[1:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That is what I'm going to be talking about in today's episode.
[1:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In this episode, I'll talk about my experience unpacking it and uncovering it, as well as the changes that I have implemented in my life going forward to protect myself from it.
[1:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now, I have a whole sub-stack pose that talks more about the unraveling and, you know, me processing.
[1:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That in real time, as it was unfolding, as it was being confronted in my life and what that was like.
[1:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, if you want more of the behind-the-scenes, vulnerable, in-depth, more emotional type, explanation of what actually happened, you can go read it there and subscribe to my sub-stack if you're a high achiever who's on the journey of becoming the best version of yourself.
[2:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: join the community that I'm creating over there.
[2:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you can relate to any of these things, but in this episode specifically we're going to be talking about the lessons and insights and changes going forward and I'll also give you a brief overview of what happened as well.
[2:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But before we do that, hello and welcome or welcome back to another episode.
[2:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm your host Sensi and on this podcast we talk about taking accountability for your life to become the best version of yourself.
[2:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now, if you are new here, if this is your first episode, the month of February, I'm doing a series called The Shedding, where as you're going to 2026 and you work on becoming the best version of yourself and bringing all the things on your vision board to life, before we start adding the routines and adding all of the nice things,
[2:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We're going to be talking about the things that you need to shed, especially as a higher cheaper, because we already have the commitments and the discipline and the consistency and these type of things under control.
[3:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We already have a record of achievement.
[3:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We already have a record of performance.
[3:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But in 2026, I want to help you pursue wholeness in addition to the accolades.
[3:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So we are going to be talking about the traits and the things about you that you need to shed.
[3:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm going to be sharing my uncomfortable experiences that I learned in 2025 to help you proactively get ahead of these things.
[3:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So God won't put you through some lessons that he put me through.
[3:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, so last week I mentioned that 2025, you know, almost traumatized me.
[3:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Actually, I did I'm recovering, but I'm doing better things for asking.
[3:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But it was the most pivotal year of my life.
[3:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Once I should turn my perspective upside-hurt a sermon that said, you need to look at the year based on the goal you set for the decade, not just the goals you had for that year or how the year was by itself.
[3:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I realized that 2025 was one of the most pivotal years of my life by far because one of the goals I had for the decade was that I told God I really wanted to have a strong community around me.
[4:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: because I felt like I had people around me, but I didn't have a community around me.
[4:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When I expressed the details of that goal of building that community around me, he made me realize the areas that I was falling short.
[4:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One of them being communication, especially when I'm vulnerable.
[4:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can communicate about something that's vulnerable after I have already gone through it.
[4:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: While I'm in the process, that's, you know.
[4:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: a little bit difficult and in last week's episode when I talked about shedding sulfur lions and hyper independence and allowing myself to be more vulnerable.
[4:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I addressed that so highly recommend going to listen to that if you struggle with any of these things because you're going to have to let that go okay it's not an option.
[4:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But basically, last year, what I was going through some things that were unrelated to my relationships, God used those things to uncover somewhat of an illness if you will, like a hidden virus or something, if you don't know how to explain it.
[5:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That was buried deep in my relationships.
[5:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: part of it was because of me, part of it was because of said relationships, those it applied to not all of them.
[5:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But it was something that I had suspected was going on secretly based on some observations that I made.
[5:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I noticed a few things that did not sit right with me, that I felt like presented an imbalance in my relationship, but I did not
[5:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: have the vocabulary for it.
[5:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I did not necessarily know why I felt like it was wrong.
[5:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just felt like it rubbed me the wrong way when I would see it happening.
[5:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the things I'm talking about are the evidence that I will bring up in a second that showed me that I think people are placing expectations on me that require me to be some type of superhero
[5:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I thought I was overreacting.
[6:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I thought maybe I was reading into it too much.
[6:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Maybe I'm imagining something that's not there.
[6:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: No man.
[6:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was definitely there.
[6:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was definitely there.
[6:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Long story short.
[6:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I realized that some people in my life had placed me on a pedestal that made our relationship have a certain imbalance to it, that was very unhealthy and also very hurtful.
[6:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: to me.
[6:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't know how to explain it.
[6:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't know what it was necessarily, but through the trials and tribulations that I went through last year, when God finally started guessing me out of the self reliance and hyper independence and leaning on my community, that's when I noticed what exactly was hiding undercover in my community, right?
[6:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it was the fact that some people had placed me on a pedestal.
[6:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In me, allowing myself to be more vulnerable and express to people,
[6:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My life is falling apart right now.
[6:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am not able to really show up right now.
[6:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't even know how to show up for myself right now.
[7:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know what to tell you.
[7:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is overwhelming.
[7:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am not I am not me.
[7:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am not me.
[7:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It got to a point last year where I was not me.
[7:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was not the
[7:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[7:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And some of the reactions led to the confrontation of those pedestal relationships.
[7:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It led to the uncovering of those pedestal relationships.
[7:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It confirmed the suspicions that I had that there was something
[7:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: not right.
[7:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let me tell you the signs and the symptoms that I noticed early on that when they were isolated and I just started seeing them, it didn't necessarily like make me feel like anything was wrong.
[7:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It didn't necessarily make me feel like there was anything to be worried about.
[7:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was kind of like a, huh, I don't know how I feel about that.
[7:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But because it was isolated, I didn't put two and two together.
[8:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But when the mask started adding up, that's when I started realizing what was happening.
[8:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So let us get into some of the science and symptoms, the things that I noticed that mainly realized that for some people in my life, they had placed me on a pedestal and then I'll unpack it a bit more.
[8:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, number one, not offering to help me with anything or barely anything or expecting me to do things alone.
[8:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now, initially the way that Rared its head is like me, you know, when I would early on, you know, like years ago,
[8:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When I would express that I need help, when I would be honest about a vulnerable position that I was in or something that was less than ideal, I noticed that people would kind of just encourage me and be like, oh, you know, you're strong, you'll get through this, you know, like giving me a pep talk, but the pep talk was not accompanied by any support or offering to help or anything in that type of way.
[9:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When it was just that, I didn't necessarily see it as a red flag or anything.
[9:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was just like, you know, okay, this person is just encouraging me, cool.
[9:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There's nothing wrong with that.
[9:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, you're uplifting and courage me.
[9:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's fine.
[9:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, sometimes when you're going through something, you might be feeling a little bit depleted.
[9:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You might, you know, not be able to have a positive outlook.
[9:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So then courage meant and the positivity and the upliftment.
[9:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: All of that is definitely necessary.
[9:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: right?
[9:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But then I started noticing that sometimes those same people if somebody else was going through something, whether it was the same thing I was going through, whether it was more serious, or whether it was less serious.
[9:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would just notice a different reaction towards those people,
[9:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: it was like taking the initiative.
[9:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's the thing.
[9:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want to really emphasize this key point, this key word initiative because while I do hold myself accountable for all of the times I have never
[10:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: spoken up or expressed that I may have needed help after the fact after you know everything I talked about in the first episode in this series on the self-reliance why do I acknowledge that being expected to handle things on my own cause me to get into this space where I became very self-reliance and hyper independent and just quite literally could not ask for help
[10:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why do I acknowledge and take full accountability for all the times I did not ask for help that I can't expect people to read my mind?
[10:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I did notice that sometimes it could be the same thing with another person but there was like immediate initiative.
[10:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't care at first when it was like people weren't offering to help me but when I noticed that somebody else could tell you the same thing and you immediately leap up
[10:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: To make yourself available to them and to initiate, to show up, to do, you know, whatever is required to help that person.
[10:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's what I was like.
[11:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Wait.
[11:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Hold on.
[11:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just told, I just said that I was going to the same thing.
[11:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just, hmm, hold on, because every time I say something, it goes ignored, you know, it's not, it's only perceived as an issue.
[11:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's kind of just like, oh, I'm just giving you a little pep talk and courage to do it by yourself, but hold on, hold on, hold on.
[11:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm thinking that's just how you handle things, but based on how you show up with other people it's looking like that's just how you handle things with me.
[11:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So hold on, so why do you think they needed help but I didn't, right?
[11:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's kind of like I want you to imagine.
[11:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want to use this analogy of, let's say, two women per se who are at their house in some neighborhood their house right next to each other, they are both in their garage, they just came from Costco or they just came from a grocery store and they are unloading their groceries into their house.
[12:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're both alone, they both have the similar ones of grocery, similar ones of bags.
[12:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They bought the exact same thing, right?
[12:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They just took all the bags out of their car.
[12:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and they are unloading it, making several trips into their house.
[12:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One woman is kind of frail, kind of scrawny, whatever.
[12:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the people walking by, see her unloading, and they run to help her because they're like, oh, she needs such property to help.
[12:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: the other lady is kind of muscular.
[12:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You can tell she works out, you know, she seems kind of built.
[12:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She's doing a very efficient job of carrying all the groceries into her house because she can hold way more bags at the same time as the other lady.
[12:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, she has a, uh, one of those big shopping bags that she can put multiple bags in.
[12:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So she's looking way more efficient, making less trips, doing a better job of carrying the groceries into the house.
[12:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the people walking by see that and they don't offer her any help at all.
[12:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They immediately run to offer help to the other woman who's not as efficient, they're helping her load everything into the car.
[13:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They did not offer the other lady help.
[13:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Their houses are right next to each other.
[13:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: there's not that much of a separation, you can see the other one in her driveway doing the exact same thing.
[13:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They see her, they don't offer any help because they look at her and they think, well, she has the extra big shopping tool, she can carry multiple, she's looks like she's doing a very efficient job, she looks like she doesn't need any help.
[13:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What I don't realize is the other lady, the lady who's being very efficient, she learned how to be very efficient because she got used to nobody offering to help her.
[13:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She adjusts that she adapted to her situation because she was used to other people going to help the other person and not her, so she learned how to be more efficient and do it things by herself because people often left her to do things by herself.
[13:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She adapted, that became her norm, and now because she's more efficient, people continue to not offer help because they assume she doesn't need any help because she's so efficient, but she's efficient because she never had help.
[14:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[14:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So that's kind of what it was like.
[14:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was like me being a stronger woman who had the efficient methods to carry the stuff in, constantly watching people help the other woman across the street except the people were people in my life.
[14:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The people were people that knew me as well.
[14:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But they just did not think I needed the help because I seem to be very efficient at doing it.
[14:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would get the encouragement, they would wave, they would say, hey, you know, how's it going?
[14:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They would talk to me while I was lugging the groceries in the house, but they would not offer help.
[14:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They would just encourage me like, why are you doing such a great job bringing all these groceries in the house by yourself?
[14:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Wow, you could chew beans so efficient.
[14:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They could have helped me, they chose not to.
[14:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, it's like, after observing that for a while, I'm like, we're hold on.
[14:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It would be one thing if both of us were left to carry our groceries in the car, but you mean to tell me, you encourage me, you told me you would see me when I'm done, or you'd come by later, you'd come by when I'm lugging it in the house, and the other person you helped the other person, you don't help me.
[15:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: After I got used to seeing that, I'm like, we're hold on.
[15:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why don't people think I need help?
[15:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why don't people offer to help me the same way I see them offering to help other people?
[15:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: At one point, I convinced myself that people just want the helpful initiative type, but no, they want the helpful initiative type towards me.
[15:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So then I thought I'd feel in some type of way like, wait, hold on.
[15:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't understand why this is happening.
[15:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why do people think I don't need help?
[15:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why do people think that there's nothing they can do for me?
[15:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why do people think that I'm some type of superhero that can just do everything by myself?
[15:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't understand because it's one thing if you just, you know, think highly of me or whatever, whatever,
[15:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But like you're sure not you're capable of helping people.
[15:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why do you think I'm the exception right when people do that?
[15:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do they realize that they are training me to see that our friendship requires me to not need them?
[15:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then they have the new to punish me when I act like I don't need them.
[15:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You are training me to not expect you to come through for me.
[15:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're telling me that our relationship is predicated on me being independent because you don't think I need help.
[16:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You don't think that there's anything you can do for me.
[16:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: because of a pedestal that you have placed me on, that the only reason I have produced results that made you think I was worthy to be placed on a pedestal was because I had no choice.
[16:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it's like, why is this happening?
[16:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, I was very puzzled at first, when I saw it happening, I was just observing it like, huh?
[16:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This seems to be a recurring theme, where when I have expressed that I need help or, you know, anytime I was in a situation where there was an inconvenience or something, it was kind of like, and just a disclaimer, this was not with every single person in my life, okay?
[16:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just want to say that.
[16:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: but I noticed it with quite a few people and for some may have not been guilty of everything but maybe some things that perpetuated that narrative, that made me feel some type of way because it made me feel very unsupported.
[16:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[16:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would just notice it.
[17:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would just observe it and I would be like that's that's odd.
[17:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why don't people think I need help?
[17:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why do people assume that I always have everything together?
[17:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why do people just naturally allow me to carry my burdens by myself and encourage me to be a superhero?
[17:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's not fair to me.
[17:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was like a slow burn.
[17:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It wasn't something that happened immediately with something that was happening for a while that I was observing that I did not realize was an issue and two other things that had been added on to that.
[17:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The second thing was harsh judgment or criticism when I don't live up to expectations that I was not aware of.
[17:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I would notice that people had these expectations of me to be perfect, to live up to a certain standard, that certain things should just have not been in my purview, should just have not been on my radar.
[17:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There's just certain things that I just don't expect from you.
[17:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if I did any of those things, if I felt short in any of those ways, based on their expectations, it varied from person to person.
[18:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Um, and I was never aware of it.
[18:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I always found out about that expectations when I did not meet them, but we'll get to that later.
[18:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like, there were all of these ideas of who people thought I was, based on how I showed up, based on, you know, you typically do very well, you typically always have a lot going for you.
[18:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like they created this perfect image.
[18:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like this perfect human being that they expected me to be based on what I've accomplished so far, how I present myself, my positive mindset, my optimism, my resilience, all of these things, a lot of them being adaptations to having no choice but to be that way.
[18:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They placed those expectations on me and anytime I did not meet those expectations that I was not aware of,
[18:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Instead of meeting me with kindness, with compassion, treating me like a human being, I would first have to hear about how I am not holy thought I was.
[18:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like, I had to hear about how I was first falling short of expectations before they decided whether or not they wanted to help me or support me or show me kindness and compassion.
[19:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had to first know that I missed the mark.
[19:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had to first know that I dropped the ball,
[19:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: because I never picked one up.
[19:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't play sports.
[19:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I never played a sport with a ball.
[19:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know how, how we got to this point.
[19:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was not aware that I had to live up to this expectation.
[19:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In my mind, I was just me.
[19:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In my mind, I'm just living my life.
[19:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm just me, I'm just doing this, I'm just doing that, I'm being myself.
[19:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had no idea that there was this mold that you expected me to fit into that I now have to hair about when I didn't fit into that mold, right?
[19:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And instead of having people just show up for me and just support me in times where I may not have been at my best, I had to first hear about how I was falling short.
[19:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So that was something that I noticed that really bothered me because I'm like, hold on, I don't understand.
[19:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: like I'm human like everybody else.
[20:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yes, I have achieved a lot.
[20:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yes, I have a work ethic.
[20:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have accomplished a lot of things.
[20:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I do well for myself.
[20:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I think I have a good head on my shoulders.
[20:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yes, all of these things are true.
[20:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I'm so human.
[20:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm so you this I listen up.
[20:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Don't put me on no pedestal because the reason why I have so much wisdom as some people have told me in the comments is because of the mistakes that I have made.
[20:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You have to go through some things to acquire wisdom, you have to go through some things and then reflect on it and then learn the lessons from it to, you know, be able to have a good head on your shoulders.
[20:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[20:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't just wake up.
[20:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God didn't come to me in a dream like he came to Solomon and just impact wisdom on me.
[20:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I've made a lot of dumb decisions in my life.
[20:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I've had a lot of situations where I have not, you know, meet the wisest choices, but I learn from them and I move on and I course correct and then light goes on, right?
[20:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But in my mind, I know my flaws, I know I'm not perfect.
[21:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know, you know, I know my tendencies, I know my proclivities.
[21:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know what God has had to work on, and I'm grateful that God has worked on certain aspects of my life in private and helped me heal from certain things in private and never expose me.
[21:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know who I am.
[21:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I know who got us showed me who I am that I didn't know who I am that I'm grateful that he showed me before he showed everybody else, you know?
[21:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it's like, I will wear off my flaws, so I don't think I'm a perfect person, I think I'm great, to get me wrong, okay?
[21:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I know for sure, I'm not a perfect person, I'm just here being me.
[21:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had no idea that you had expectations of me that you expected me to meet, that you have the nerve to be mad at me that I didn't meet them when you can't even meet them yourself, but I digress and be a good person, okay?
[21:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I told that I was going to behave.
[21:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: but I was so confused and let's just be clear.
[21:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not talking about situations where I genuinely mess up or I do something wrong that I have to apologize.
[21:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I'm not absorbing myself from any wrongdoings.
[21:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm talking about what I make decisions in my own life when I make decisions for myself.
[22:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[22:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Based on what I want in my life, I have had to hear about why would you do that?
[22:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would you go that route?
[22:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would, like, you know, kind of like, you're not who I thought you were or you're not meeting these expectations.
[22:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's just like, it's like what I make mistakes in my life, like everybody makes mistakes.
[22:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not talking about doing something malicious, you know, or with evil intent towards people and they didn't, you know.
[22:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: completely absolved me from my air.
[22:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's not what I'm talking about at all.
[22:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let's say, let me give you some random example that there's not applied to my life, but I'm trying to explain the concept.
[22:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like let's say if I was in med school and I wanted to be a doctor and I dropped out of med school and I said I want to be an artist instead.
[22:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's what I'm talking about.
[22:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm talking about having to experience judgment and criticism for not upholding some standard of perfection that people placed on me, that people held me to, that I never said I was, because if I want to be an artist, I would be an artist, I would paint, I don't care what you say, but I didn't realize that your view of me, your thought of me, was predicated on me being the med student that you thought I would be.
[23:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't realize that there were conditions to our relationship.
[23:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't realize that you needed me to be up here in order to value me.
[23:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't realize that there was some imaginary version of me that you had created in your head that you were measuring me up against.
[23:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because otherwise, why is it that when I made a decision that did not adhere to said standards before I was met with grace and compassion and kindness or supports like people meet everybody else?
[23:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why is it that I have to hear about these expectations that you had on me?
[23:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You see what I mean?
[23:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's another thing I noticed while I was very confused.
[23:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm like, when did I agree to be this person?
[23:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When did I say I was this person?
[23:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When did I say I care about that?
[23:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, another thing that I noticed was being praised for being strong and figuring things out on my own.
[24:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Back to what I said earlier when, you know,
[24:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I needed help or something, there would be encouragement to do it on my own and not any initiation to offer help, which would be fine if I didn't see you helping everybody else, because now it makes the question, why do you believe I'm the exception?
[24:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[24:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So being praised for being strong and handling things on my own, people praising me for not being human.
[24:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like for doing things that no human should have to do.
[24:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like, you know those, um,
[24:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know those like reality TV shows where people do these type of crazy, you know, survival scenarios and all of that.
[24:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like dropping me in one of those things and telling me to survive and then praising me for it when you were there the whole time
[24:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: with a life jacket, with a life boat, with a first aid kit.
[24:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You had the opportunity to help me, but you chose to let me do it myself.
[25:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And praise me for doing it myself when I never had to.
[25:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There was this praise that I got for being strong.
[25:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: To the point where I was triggering, where people call me strong, I'm like, am I my twitch a little bit, because I understand.
[25:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Is that your way of telling me that you are going to expect me to be?
[25:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: a superhuman and basically don't expect any support or anything from you because that's what it has meant in the past.
[25:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's almost triggering when people say certain things like that because I'm just like please don't call me strong.
[25:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Please don't look at me like I'm strong because when you're think that I'm strong you'll don't think I need any help.
[25:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, these are some of the things that I've observed, and there's probably more that I'm forgetting.
[25:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The main thing rested on the fact that it seemed like there was a version of me that people had created in their mind of who they expected me to be.
[25:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And they would just unleash hellfire on me.
[25:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sometimes, maybe I'm exaggerating, although I'm not exaggerating.
[25:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: they would just like go off on me or neglect me or something when I was in a position where I was living up to who they thought I was.
[26:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I've watched people have to process me in a hard time like more than coming to my aid.
[26:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like for example I feel like if you're a higher cheever you would get this
[26:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you can't get it you probably doing that to somebody else.
[26:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God help you.
[26:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Just be mindful and stop But I feel like the higher cheapest will get this.
[26:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm using the other analogy.
[26:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I like analogies like let's say you and a friend or you and somebody went Fishing in the middle of the ocean or I use myself.
[26:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let's say me and somebody else went fishing in the middle of the ocean or went to do some type of excursion or something and something happened in both of us fell off the boat
[26:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And fortunately, there was a rescue team coming by and the rescue team was familiar with both of us.
[26:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And when they saw us, let's say, the person was on one side of the boat, I was on the other side of the boat.
[26:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the boat came around and went to them and immediately just picked them up like, oh my gosh, you're in the water.
[27:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Come, do you need help?
[27:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you need CPR?
[27:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you need them?
[27:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Give you a towel, are you cold?
[27:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, just helping them?
[27:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh my gosh, I can't believe you are in the middle of the ocean.
[27:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You feel the boat on my gosh, let me run to your aid.
[27:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then when the boat gets around to me, it's like, hold on.
[27:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why are you in the water right now?
[27:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Aren't you supposed to be on the boat?
[27:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't expect you to be in the water right now.
[27:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're supposed to be on the boat.
[27:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're supposed to be driving the boat.
[27:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You have all people who shouldn't have fallen off of the boat.
[27:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Mind you, I can't swim.
[27:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My life jacket is working over time.
[27:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm terrified because I'm in the middle of the ocean.
[27:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know what's beneath me.
[27:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I don't like that feeling, I can't see it either.
[27:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There could be a shock coming to attack me at any point in time.
[27:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And instead of immediately helping me get into the boat, like they helped the other person, the boat is right next to me, instead of throwing me the little floaty thingy and helping me in the boat, they're like, well, why are you in the water though?
[27:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I expected you to be driving the boat.
[27:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why are you in the water and what do you mean you can't swim?
[27:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why can't you swim?
[28:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How did you allow yourself to fall in the water?
[28:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You should have been on the boat.
[28:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You should have been able to help her because you should have been on the boat.
[28:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like it's okay that she fell.
[28:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She's human.
[28:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're not.
[28:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I expected more from you.
[28:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why are you in the water right now?
[28:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why can't you swim?
[28:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why won't you able to get yourself back on the boat so you can help her?
[28:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, why are you in the water right now?
[28:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Hold time a shock probably coming to get me, but instead of just helping me, I have to watch you get a revelation of the fact that I'm not perfect.
[28:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have to watch you get a revelation.
[28:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: After what you have an epiphany that, oh my gosh, why are you in the water?
[28:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't expect that from you of all people.
[28:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You should be able to swim.
[28:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Matter of fact, you should have been able to swim to shore by now.
[28:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You should be able to fight the shock that's coming against you.
[28:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You should be able to handle all of that.
[28:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We could honestly just take this person, help her get back on the boat or take her to shore and you should be able to figure this out by yourself.
[28:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's what it's like when you have people who put you on a pedestal.
[28:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Instead of just helping you into the damn boat, it's like, what do you mean you fell overboard in the first place?
[29:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I might
[29:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you realize, I said this in the last episode, I'm like, do you realize that you are telling me that this relationship requires me to not need you?
[29:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because if I fall off the boat, I should be able to depend on you to help me in the water like you would help anybody else, right?
[29:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But why are you first letting me suffer in this water?
[29:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: face impending danger of a shock attack while you wrap your head around the fact that I fell overboard in the first place because I'm not supposed to because that's not who you thought I was.
[29:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, why would you expect to just leave me here?
[29:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would you?
[29:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You probably say something to me like we don't have enough space on the board for both of you also.
[29:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We'll take her to shore or we'll help her get on the board and we'll leave you here because you should be fine anyway.
[29:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You should be able to swim by the fact that you should be fine in yourself back on the
[30:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How does that make sense?
[30:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like I observed these things happening and I was so confused at first because like I said, I genuinely don't believe that it was always with malicious intent.
[30:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I think at some point it was kind of like the expectation was there and then because I was used to
[30:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: carrying the grocery bags into the house by myself.
[30:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I became very efficient and then people didn't think I needed the help and then I just further optimized so I wouldn't have to ask for the help because it was hard watching you give help to everybody else and not me.
[30:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And now I don't want to ask for help because it hurts to have to carry the bags and what you hope other people and not help me and I worry that if I actually help you don't have to help me and now I have to carry the bags and the fact that you chose not to help me.
[30:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just felt very confused.
[30:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just felt very, honestly it was hurtful.
[30:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was very hurtful.
[30:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I, you know, I've been working on my vulnerability, okay, um, because I've otherwise would not, if I'm being honest, where I was in life.
[31:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would not have been able to admit that something was hurtful to me.
[31:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would have framed it as something else.
[31:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would have probably got an upset.
[31:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would have probably got an angry.
[31:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would have probably, you know, tried to be petty or shady to mask it, you know, maybe years ago in my old days.
[31:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, God got us an award on me.
[31:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But if I'm being honest, it was very hurtful.
[31:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was very hurtful to feel like I had people around me, but I didn't really have.
[31:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Anybody and like I said in the last episode that wasn't true that didn't apply to everybody because when God brought me to my knees And showed me that I cannot rely on myself He showed me that I do have people in my life who can help me and I need to stop projecting on to them the pain that I felt from those who didn't
[31:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: because you know what's crazy in April, May, for two months straight.
[31:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When I was doing like my Bible study and stuff, at 5 a.m. in the morning, last year, there kept being a recurring theme of things like losing relationships and I was so confused.
[32:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It wasn't necessarily what transpired.
[32:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was more so the fact that he was so diligent and so proactive of preparing my heart.
[32:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: for that moment.
[32:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He prepared me in advance.
[32:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I handled it the way I handled it because he prepared me in advance.
[32:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was how God took his time to prepare me before that.
[32:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was how he showed up for me before, during and after.
[32:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it's like where people's loved failed me.
[32:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In a season where I needed it, his didn't.
[32:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's what was important to me, that's what was so pivotal to me, that he saw what was coming and he really filled that space in my heart so that it wouldn't have impacted me.
[32:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The way it could have had he not prepared me.
[32:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[32:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's what was so touching to me about the whole experience.
[32:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's what I'm so grateful for.
[33:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's how he answered me when I was talking to him and I was telling him, I don't know how to deal with all of these things on top of what I'm already dealing with.
[33:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know how to deal with the reactions I'm getting from people.
[33:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know how to deal with the judgment I'm getting at a time where I need support.
[33:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know how to deal with that.
[33:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God.
[33:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And his response was helping me heal from that.
[33:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sometimes he's not going to give you the answer that you want, but sometimes the closure is in his presence.
[33:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: For me, it was like, I could have been way more hurt, had he not literally kept me in his bosom the whole time.
[33:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, when you have a genuine relationship with God and you see him come through for you like that, it really carries you through some of the worst moments in your life because you realize that you're never alone.
[33:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The way he was so intentional with making sure that I was healing and I was making sure my heart didn't have any resentment or bitterness or unforgiveness.
[34:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The way he took his time to really help me process.
[34:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: the things that I have felt for a long time regarding the pedestal relationships, so that I can be better and make certain changes going forward.
[34:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The fact that he cared so much.
[34:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I had to go in depth of exactly how he helped me through that, we would be here for hours.
[34:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What I'm going to do instead is that I'm going to tell you some of the changes that I have decided to make in my life going forward to protect me from that because it was very painful.
[34:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was very unfair.
[34:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: to go through that.
[34:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was a very hard thing for me to deal with and you know I just decided that I'm not going to try to be the superhero that people think I am but what I am going to do is I'm going to make sure that this does not happen again.
[34:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am going to
[34:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Take some accountability, I'm going to set some boundaries in place to protect myself from that because that's what it comes down to.
[34:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because here's the important thing.
[34:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One of the things that I have learned is that anytime you go through a hard time in life, hard experiences, that can really cause your heart to become hardened and cold and just dead, just venomous, just want to be that type of person that never has any empathy and just bite people's head off.
[35:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: the moment they try you.
[35:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Anytime you go through an experience that makes you want to be a cold-hearted person, the best thing you can do is heal from that and move on.
[35:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The reason why we grow cold in our hearts is because we think the only way to prevent it going forward, the only way to protect ourselves is to become a very mean person, become a very harsh person, and develop all these cycles of toxicity, etc.
[35:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What I've realized is
[35:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The way you protect yourself is not by being toxic, it's not by hardening your heart because that makes you a lot worse off than you were before.
[35:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That affects all the future relationships you have with people, because now you're going to be looking at them sideways, because of what happened to you in the past.
[35:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The way you actually protect yourself in a healthy way that does not require you to compromise your integrity and your character is by setting boundaries.
[36:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's by holding yourself accountable to setting and enforcing boundaries to protect yourself from these situations when you see the signs that you saw before that led to certain things.
[36:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: you don't tolerate them, you communicate and you aren't leaning in towards those things because you know what's likely coming, right?
[36:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You don't just let people treat you however they treat you and then you show up as some snake or some, you know, somebody who just wants to bite people's head off because you were hurt.
[36:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: No, you heal from that, you remove all of that venom and that pain in your heart, so the people who do show up for you, the people who were there for me,
[36:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't cause that many pain because of what other people did, and I don't cause anybody else who comes into my life in the future, I don't cause them any pain.
[36:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can maintain my peace.
[36:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can be who God caused me to be because I'm not turning into a cold person, but now I just create boundaries to make sure I'm more proactive about my inner circle, who I trust who I depend on, and what I allow going forward.
[37:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So let us get into the changes that I have decided to
[37:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Implement the first thing is I'm not holding any space.
[37:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not holding any space in my life in my inner circle Specifically for people who treat me like a superhuman.
[37:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I mentioned before in this episode and the last one that You need to proactively categorize the relationships in your life before life comes around and shows you exactly who you can rely on and who you can't
[37:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so what I realized is that just because somebody cannot show up for you in a particular way, or just because somebody is not a part of your inner circle, it doesn't make them a bad person.
[37:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It just means that they might be an acquaintance or you know an occasional high here and there, whatever, but they are not in your inner circle.
[37:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because I don't think it's wrong to have
[38:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: expectations, per se, not demands and requests to the point where you're trying to control people, but I don't think it's wrong to have expectations of how you would like to be treated especially if you can reciprocate that.
[38:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't think it's wrong to have expectations that people in your inner circle because they get your most time in effort and energy.
[38:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I think you should just be mindful of who you think is in your inner circle and these are the relationships that you nurture and then you just, you know, I don't know like checking with people here and there if they're not.
[38:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know child.
[38:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm new here.
[38:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But the first thing is I'm not, no space, no space, no tolerance, nothing for people who treat me like superhuman.
[38:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I start seeing these signs, we're going to address it first.
[38:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you insist on putting me on a pedestal, if you insist on dehumanizing me and acting like, I can't be imperfect, I can't make mistakes.
[38:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have to hear about how I'm falling short of your expectations.
[39:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God bless you.
[39:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Bye.
[39:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[39:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The second thing which I alluded to is this is more of a boundary for myself, you know, accountability wise.
[39:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, I am going to communicate more when I need help.
[39:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm going to require myself to communicate when I need help.
[39:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why?
[39:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because I don't deserve to carry the burdens of life by myself.
[39:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I need to not also be my biggest op in not saying what I need help, because people can't read my mind.
[39:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I cannot let pass pain of where people did not show up for
[39:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: continue to linger in my life to where it affects my current relationships.
[39:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So that's an accountability piece I'm going to communicate more when I need help.
[39:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The third thing is I'm going to prioritize depth over tenure and proximity when it comes to relationships.
[39:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: These boundaries and changes in my life are primarily for my inner circle.
[39:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm a kind person,
[39:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can be nice to people, I can have acquaintances, acquaintances don't really require a lot of effort from you, your inner circle does, so this is primarily towards my inner circle or anybody who, you know, claims to want to space in my life.
[40:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm very strict over here because I've tolerated the foolishness long enough.
[40:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the third thing is prioritizing depth over tenure and proximity.
[40:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I think that there have been times where I have shown a lot of lenience towards people simply because of tenure, simply because of shared history, simply because of how long I've known them, not realizing that it doesn't matter how long you know a person, it's very possible that that relationship could come to an end.
[40:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's very possible that that person is for a season.
[40:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They may have been for many seasons, but it's very possible that there's an expiration date.
[40:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I think when we focus on tenure and shared history and how long we've known people and all of these things, that neglects our future.
[41:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That neglects our destiny, that neglects who we are becoming, that neglects who we need in this season of our life and who we need to be in this season of our lives.
[41:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if where you are going, if,
[41:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: who you're trying to be and I'm not just talking about your goals and your vision burden of the quantitative and external achievements and material things that you want in life.
[41:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm talking about wholeness here.
[41:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm talking about healing.
[41:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm talking about your character, your integrity.
[41:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Who you want to be if it requires you to be somebody who's peaceful.
[41:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Somebody who has healthy relationships, etc.
[41:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When you think about the type of person that you want to be,
[41:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You can't prioritize proximity and tenure and shared history in relationships over who you're called to be.
[41:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You can't just keep people around just because they've been around for a long time.
[41:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You can't do that, right?
[41:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Some people will be in your life for a lifetime.
[41:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Some people have an expiration date, right?
[42:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But like I said, the second thing on my list was communicating.
[42:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So that's also very important.
[42:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The old me.
[42:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The younger me, okay, the main my teenagers was somebody who gladly ghosted, I have learned that.
[42:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just, I know some people try to fight to make a case to ghost people.
[42:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I've definitely been one of those people, but I think for me personally, I just feel like I would rather have a conversation and then part ways.
[42:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know that's a very unpopular opinion nowadays, and it's crazy because in the past I used to agree with it, but now I don't.
[42:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The fourth thing is, again, this one is on me.
[42:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am not going to try to be perfect, not in the eyes of others, nor myself.
[42:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One of the amazing things that I have gotten the privilege to experience.
[42:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: By experiencing God's love, is saying that he can love me so much that he doesn't require me to change.
[43:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He can love me in all of my flaws.
[43:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When you have a foundation in God's love and seeing exactly what that's like, it changes your perspective on life and relationships and all of these things like for me I'm coming from a place where I have seen how God has loved me so much that I want to love him by loving his people by being a better person.
[43:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now sometimes I I I meant need to be filled with his spirit
[43:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sometimes I might need him to take over, you know, Jesus, if you could come into my spirit and just take over.
[43:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Just silence me and take over at the times where you know I'm about to fail, you know?
[43:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sometimes I feel like it requires that, but for the most part,
[43:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am so grateful for how he has showed up for me to the point where I genuinely just want to be a better person simply to be his reflection, like I'm called to be, because he has loved me in my imperfections, so I try my best to remember that the same way he loves me, he loves other people,
[44:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My point is, I'm not going to try to be perfect because God has loved me in my imperfections.
[44:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God's love has never failed.
[44:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have a foundation of a love that is perfect, that has never failed.
[44:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so, because I know what that's like, and I know that that can feel the void of any human love that fails, I'm better equipped to handle when human love fails, because I know a greater love, and that love has loved me in my imperfections.
[44:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That love has met me when I was trifalling, okay?
[44:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You may not know me to be trifalling, but I've known my, I know my, I know, I'm aware of my trifalling ways, okay?
[44:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Past present in the future, but he still loves me, he still shows up for me.
[44:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And in my last episode on sufferlines and hyper independence towards the end, I told you that when I finally opened up and shared that I was going to a very hard time.
[44:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: for the people who met me and it was very compassionate towards me at that point in my life.
[45:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was the first time ever that I felt like I could just exist and not feel like I had to be perfect.
[45:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Not feel like I had to be positive or optimistic because I usually always am or I'm usually the positive friend.
[45:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm usually the person you come to, we can encourage you, who can uplift you, we can do all of these things.
[45:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was at the point in my life, why didn't you even have the energy to do that, not for myself, not for anybody else.
[45:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so because I felt like people were so used to needing me to be who they thought I was,
[45:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I really felt like I wasn't able to show up around people because I wasn't myself.
[45:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was dealing with the fact that I wasn't even myself.
[45:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So if I don't even feel like myself, how could I possibly show up for other people?
[45:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't even know how
[45:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't even know what to do about how I feel it right now, and for some people it just felt like it was too much of a chore for me to try to unpack that with them because of the fact that I knew they placed me on a pedestal, so I am no longer trying to be perfect.
[46:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God has given me the gift of loving me in my imperfections.
[46:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He still checks me, but he still loves me.
[46:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[46:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He has given me the gifts of knowing and receiving love in my imperfections.
[46:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And he also gave me the gift of showing me who exactly in my life can see my flaws, can see when I don't have the capacity to be positive.
[46:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't have the capacity to be optimistic.
[46:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't have the capacity to show up.
[46:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: my capacity right now, the entirety of my body, this whole system right now, all my energy is being used right now to just survive, to just stay alive.
[46:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's all I have.
[46:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That is all I have right now.
[46:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He gave me the gift of showing me the people in my life that I can just be that person in front of.
[46:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because for some people, I was the person that they leaned on and they've been to too.
[46:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't have the capacity for that.
[46:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't have the capacity to do anything.
[46:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: for anybody.
[46:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't have the capacity to do anything for myself.
[47:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So he showed me that I can be at that point in my life and be extremely depleted and not only does he still love me, but there are people in my life who also still love me.
[47:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He showed me that for the first time in my life.
[47:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I don't know.
[47:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know, I have no words to explain how much my spirit needed that to just not perform.
[47:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Not try to be perfect, not try to show up, not try to be optimistic, not try to reframe my situation and be optimistic because I don't feel too optimistic right now.
[47:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right, but I also don't want anybody enabling me now.
[47:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So don't want to speak about it because if I speak about it I'll be negative.
[47:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't want to be negative.
[47:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I don't want to speak about it I just I don't have anything in me.
[47:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'll have to just exist.
[47:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He gave me people in my life that I could just exist around
[47:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And because I've seen that because I've had him and other people in my life showed for me like that, I'm holding myself accountable to not forcing myself to be perfect or live up to those expectations that other people might want to have of me because I've seen how peaceful and freeing it can be to be around people who don't hold me to those standards, right, who accepts me for me, flaws and all.
[48:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So going forward, I'm not going to
[48:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't care.
[48:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Think I'm perfect, think I'm not, I don't give it down.
[48:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The fifth thing is being gentle with myself and celebrating myself more.
[48:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I've been doing this more and it feels really good.
[48:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It feels really good because I was beating myself up for the entire year.
[48:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was a miss, okay?
[48:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know it didn't seem like it because I'm the type of person to come online and cry.
[48:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Some episodes I've made, you can probably tell that something was going on, but I'm not the type of person.
[48:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's just a boundary I have with the internet.
[48:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's one thing with their relationships in my life, people who know me personally and offline.
[48:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But when it comes to the internet, I love y'all.
[48:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I do have some boundaries around the power of social relationships, because you can be open online and people don't know you.
[48:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: that well, it's one sided, you listening, you know more about me than I know about you.
[49:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so as much as I love you, as much as I appreciate you, as much as I giving my life to help you become the best version of yourself, which I would do in any lifetime, because that's what I was created to do.
[49:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I do know that there are people who might not mean well and who might want to be mean in the middle of my vulnerability.
[49:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I will not come
[49:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That is too much of a touchy subject for me and share it.
[49:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm going to give myself the space to heal and take a break and come back and then I can speak when I feel comfortable.
[49:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, that's just a boundary that I have with myself as somebody who creates content.
[49:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: but I have been more gentle with myself, celebrating myself more, taking things slow, you know, rebuilding my nervous system, rebuilding my trust in myself, in the Lord, in people, all of these things.
[49:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have just been more gentle with myself and that's something that I just plan to do more going forward because I felt like for so long I was.
[50:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I became aware of the pedestal.
[50:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I also played a part in trying to maintain it because there was some people pleasing tendencies and there was like a fear of disapproval for not meeting set expectations that I was really trying to avoid.
[50:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I allowed myself to also perform to meet certain standards as well.
[50:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I had a role to play in it too and I acknowledged that and going forward.
[50:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not
[50:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, what people think of me and all of these things and the last thing I would say is the last change I have made going forward is Something I've been doing that if it wasn't for the goodness of Jesus at all that he has done for me 2025 would have taken me out but the last thing is staying grounded in who God says I am
[50:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Your God is so good.
[50:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I could honestly preach a sermon on how God has showed up for me in 2021.
[51:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The reason why this is the final thing is because sometimes life can be life in.
[51:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: People can be people in.
[51:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It seems like everything is coming against you.
[51:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It seems like you're in a job season.
[51:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like what what what what in the what what what what is going on.
[51:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What's going on.
[51:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right.
[51:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But one of the things that God has taught me is
[51:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: to really learn how to look at the storm around me, look at the flames around me, look at the stones that have been cast at me and to remain grounded in who he says I am in what I know about myself.
[51:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because it's very easy to believe what you believe about yourself and say affirmations and think all of these great things when everything in your life is going well.
[51:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When nothing is testing you, but when you are placed in the exact opposite.
[51:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When everything you're speaking over your life does not seem to be coming to fruition, right?
[52:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When...
[52:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It seems like nothing is working out.
[52:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When you get overwhelmed and depleted and tired and you're ready to throw in the towel, you have to be able to rest on who God says you are.
[52:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You have to be able to rest on what you know about yourself.
[52:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That is why I have started talking about identity so much in my content in the recent episodes
[52:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God was really showing me because I have shifted my identity several times in my life to Have some of the things that I have and accomplish them the things I have accomplished several times But a lot of those times They were done in good seasons when all was going well when I wasn't really shaken God shook me
[52:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: in 2025 and there's a scripture about building a house on sand versus the rock.
[53:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's in Matthew something but it talks about Jesus was talking about how two men built a house.
[53:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One man built his house on sand and when the storm came because his foundation wasn't strong in the sand the house pretty much got destroyed washed away whatever the storm destroyed it.
[53:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then by the man who built his house on the rock, the storm came, and it wasn't affected, right?
[53:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It whiffs to the storm, and the purpose of that scripture is the rock he's talking about is himself building your house on the foundation that is Christ.
[53:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let's make this relevant.
[53:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: 225 was a year of showing me which part of my house, which part of my foundation was built on sand and completely dismantling it and replacing it with the rock, replacing it with God, replacing it with who God is, what Christ did for me.
[53:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: who God says I am and learning to have that foundation be able to withstand the storm.
[54:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He wanted to show me the weak spots in my house so that I can have the opportunity to build on a steady foundation so I can rebuild stronger than ever.
[54:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In addition to his presence in my life the way he really carried me through and saw me through 2025, one of the things that carried me through as well was my identity, believing that I am who God says I am even when it doesn't look like it.
[54:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: saying it over and over to myself, struggling to hold it in the face of the complete opposite, like having a full understanding of exactly what it's like to be so anchored in who God says you are.
[54:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: in who you know you are, in what God spoke over your life, in knowing that you are meant for a bigger life, and knowing that you are building something big, and knowing that you were meant for more, standing on that even when it doesn't look like it.
[54:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I think God wanted me to have that experience, so that I could be able to help you all do that in 2026, because I've done it before, when
[55:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There was no storm, he wanted me to learn how to build it in a storm, so that if any of you might be going to a storm, I can guide you through anchoring yourself in your identity, in what you know about yourself, in what God said about yourself, despite what is coming against you.
[55:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So that is the final thing that I will be doing going forwards, one of the things that carried me through, like I said, staying grounded in who God says, I am staying grounded in what I know about myself, in the face of the trials, in the face of, you know, whatever happens in relationships.
[55:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know it doesn't seem like that was connected to relationships, but it is because relationships are a vital part of our life, sometimes you might have people playing your face.
[55:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sometimes you might have people mistreat you, sometimes you might have people lie on you, you might have people steal from you, you might have people do all types of things to you.
[55:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that can really take a toll on you.
[55:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But despite what is happening in no relationships, despite when people judge you and try to make you feel small and speak to you in a condescending matter because you're not living up to their expectations, you have to remain grounded in who God says you are, in what you know about yourself and let that be the only thing.
[56:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: that is anchored in your spirit that is anchored in your heart so that when people choose to be trifle in, it does not affect you the way it initially affected me before I reminded myself of what God said over my life.
[56:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[56:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And speaking of identity, if you don't know, I have a free masterclass that tells you exactly how to shift your identity and be anchored in your identity.
[56:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So you can become the best version of yourself.
[56:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: As you can see, when I talk about becoming the best version of yourself, I'm not just talking about manifesting external things, manifesting like money and material things and external achievements.
[56:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm also talking about wholeness.
[56:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm also talking about your character, your integrity.
[56:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: truly healing from within.
[56:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Becoming the best version of yourself to me, when I say that, I am talking about you as a person, you as a person genuinely being the best version of yourself, character integrity, and discipline, and heart in your mind, body, soul, spirit, before you ever manifest or achieve anything outside of yourself, because what matters the most is was on the inside, and then everything on the outside is simply a reflection of that.
[57:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[57:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I do have a free masterclass talking about shift in your identity to become the best version of yourself that you can sign up for at secretals.com slash masterclass.
[57:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'll leave the link in the description.
[57:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And also like I said earlier, if you want the deep dive, the real raw, vulnerable experience of what it was like for me and packing the discovery of the pedestal relationships and how it made me feel all of this stuff.
[57:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I talked about that on my sub stack in the article I wrote
[57:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I tend to be more vulnerable and open and honest and raw when I write versus on the podcast.
[57:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Don't get me wrong.
[57:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was vulnerable today and I have been, but when it comes to writing, it's just a different space.
[58:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It brings out a different sign of me.
[58:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So if you're interested in that, then make sure you go subscribe to my sub-stack, especially if you're a high achiever, I'm going to be talking about all of the behind-the-scenes of what it's like becoming the best version of yourself, pursuing wholeness and all of that as a high achiever,
[58:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: giving your exclusive tips and it's also a free identity gap test that you can get when you subscribe and upgrade to the paid version.
[58:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I will leave all the links in the description.
[58:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And last but not least, I do have journal prompts that will help you audit your relationships.
[58:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, I told you, be proactive about categorizing your relationships before life comes around and does it for you.
[58:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay?
[58:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you need journal prompts to help you do that, then I will leave the link in the description for those journal prompts as well.
[58:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, that is all I have to say today about this topic.
[58:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you can relate to this in any way, feel free to share your experience in the comments.
[59:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like I said, it was like relatively new to me, something that I'm still navigating.
[59:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I would appreciate any insights that you have on what your experience was like and how you've changed going forward and you know just like,
[59:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Doing with it with wholeness, with a pure heart and trying not to go the toxic route, you know, trying to be children of God, you know, my fellow sisters in Christ, even when we don't want to be.
[59:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But yeah, I hope that was helpful.
[59:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Leave a comment with your experience and anything that you have done any boundaries you've set in your life that has really helped you navigate that, to help me out, gaining help to make sure you watch the last episode in the series of the shedding for February.
[59:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: on self-reliance and hyper independence and issues with vulnerability and make sure you subscribe and click the notification bell so you can be alerted when the next episode in the series drops.
[59:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So that is all I have to say today and I will talk to you next Sunday.

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