# 231. I avoided vulnerability at all costs until life gave me no choice (Part 1)

An episode of [Secluded Thoughts](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1561515782), 22 Mar 2026, 1 h 00 min.

Audio: https://audio3.redcircle.com/episodes/67ee78f6-1990-4ca5-be61-eda26e4c8f90/stream.mp3

If you're the one who always has it together, the one everybody expects to be okay, the one who would genuinely rather deal with it alone than give people the opportunity to disappoint you — this episode is going to feel uncomfortably familiar. I'm gonna be honest about what it actually feels like to be placed on a pedestal you never asked to be on, why vulnerability felt like the enemy for most of my life, and what God had to take me through in 2025 to break all of that out of me (and he was not gentle about it). We'll discuss: • Why I disdain vulnerability & why high achievers specifically, struggle with vulnerability • The four responses you almost always get when you open up as the strong one (and why they make you want to never do it again) • What being placed on a pedestal actually costs you and how it quietly conditions you to keep everything to yourself • What it took for me to finally understand why I was so allergic to vulnerability and what it was really protecting me from If you can relate to this, know that the high achiever conditioning doesn't just stop at your vulnerability, it affects your ability to actually pursue the things you want in life because you're so used to performing. Once you remove that conditioning from your identity, it opens up a world of possibilities you couldn't step into as that performative version of yourself. For coaching to remove the high achiever conditioning from your identity to step into your next level, enroll in the Spring cohort: https://secludedthoughts.com/identity \[Substack\] Diary of a High Achiever: https://diaryofahighachiever.substack.com/ Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

## Transcript

[0:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: People now painted this image of me in their head where they felt like I never needed help, I never needed anything, so they never offered, and because I hated vulnerability so much, I refused to ask.
[0:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When you start going to experiences in life where you feel like it's not safe to be vulnerable for whatever reason, at first it's like,
[0:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: you don't want to.
[0:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you keep that up long enough, it feels like you quite literally can't.
[0:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So keep them here and figure out everything yourself.
[0:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Never put yourself in a position where you need people.
[0:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like people had decided who I was and what my life was like.
[0:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They placed me on that pedestal.
[0:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They had those expectations.
[0:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I wasn't even aware of it, but it's like they would kick me off of it.
[0:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Anytime I didn't meet those expectations.
[0:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it's like I had to carry that burden.
[0:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would I knowing that I'm already going through a hard time?
[0:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would I subject myself to more pressure or more pain?
[1:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: by having to deal with what I'm going through on top of one of the four responses that I typically get anytime I'm vulnerable.
[1:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would I subject myself to that?
[1:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Hello and welcome back to another episode of The Show, I'm your host Sancy and on this podcast we talk about taking accountability for your life to become the best version of yourself.
[1:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Guys, today's episode is going to be not different, but closer to how things used to be.
[1:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have a lot to tell y'all.
[1:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We have a lot to unpack and I have my notes if you see me looking down.
[1:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have some bullet points that make sure I don't go astray because this is one of those episodes where I seriously just reflect on
[1:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Some of the things that I have been through and what I learned from it and it's just one of those transparent episodes like we used to have.
[2:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Today we are going to be talking about the subject of vulnerability.
[2:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I personally have a hate-hate relationship with vulnerability, not a love-hate
[2:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm learning to be more vulnerable.
[2:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm going to say the story of what happened and what I learned and how it got to this point.
[2:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I'm going to do that in an attempt to be vulnerable, okay?
[2:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am not beating any of the allegations that I have not been the most vulnerable and open person.
[2:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In my mind, I have been, but I realized that there's levels to vulnerability and there was definitely a level that I was more comfortable with.
[2:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: you know, the surface level one.
[2:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm the type of person that the level of vulnerability that I'm comfortable with is the one where I go through something by myself and then I heal.
[3:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I learn to listen and I can talk about it and now I can just like passively bring it up whether it's in an episode or in real life.
[3:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But while I'm actually going through something, while it's a wound versus a scar, I usually do with that by
[3:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, we're going to talk about a vulnerability from the perspective of a high achiever specifically because I've learned a lot of things in 2025.
[3:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I've been telling you that 2025 was a hard year for me, but...
[3:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am finally on the end where I understand why things happened the way they did, some things, most things, and I'm grateful for the understanding, because why are you going to something you don't understand?
[3:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It feels like hell.
[3:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I'm grateful to see how the pieces came together and how it changed me, and I'm going to be talking about that today.
[3:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the reason why I decided to talk about vulnerability is because I posted a TikTok that is currently like blowing up right now about why high achievers don't like being vulnerable because we are not supported the same way as the average person.
[4:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So basically in that TikTok I talked
[4:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had been placed on a pedestal by a lot of people in my life, most people honestly, and as a result of being placed on that pedestal, people took away my humanity in the sense that I wasn't allowed to it felt like I wasn't allowed to be anything other than who I was expected to be, which was the strong friend.
[4:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: the successful person, you know, the one who has it all together, that's sort of thing, right?
[4:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Very high expectations of me.
[5:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And in 2025, when God pretty much took me through something like a job season, and I did not have the capacity to be strong and even show up for other people or show up
[5:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I did not have the capacity to be myself or my usual self, not even optimistic, and when I could no longer keep up that image that people had of me,
[5:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because I know me, I know me, so I don't get it.
[5:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I digress, we'll get into all of that.
[5:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When I could not keep up the image that other people had of me to be the person who had it all together, it almost felt like people did not really know what to do with me at that point.
[6:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we'll get into all of that.
[6:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I'm going to try to go in chronological order.
[6:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's why I have my notes because I can really
[6:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So let's start off with why I hate vulnerability in the first place, okay?
[6:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not really sure where the hate for vulnerability came in and as somebody who always tries to pinpoint things, I realize that sometimes that that's not even necessary because sometimes I tend to intellectualize
[6:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: my emotions and experiences instead of actually feeling Said emotions like something can happen and I will say well this happened and that's why I'm this way And this happened and that's why I'm that way and yet this happened and you know That's how everything works together and that's why this happened.
[6:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, so this is how I need to heal this is why I need to unpack that's typically
[6:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: that's typically like what I do anytime I have an experience.
[7:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I tried to do that with the whole vulnerability thing.
[7:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not exactly sure where it originated from, but I just remember that I have always dealt with things by myself.
[7:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, I did not really feel like I had an outlet to really express my emotions.
[7:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I always swallowed them.
[7:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was dealt with them myself and also I have been in survival mode
[7:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When you're in survival mode, you also don't have the time to really stop and feel things.
[7:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You don't have the time to stop and have a regulated nervous system.
[7:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Different times in my life, many times in my life, where things happen and something like caught me off guard and I literally just had to pick up and keep it moving.
[7:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[7:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I mean, I just, I did not really like vulnerability.
[7:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I felt like it was the enemy, right?
[7:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And...
[7:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One thing about me is I am very sensitive, I'm very sensitive, but you will never know unless I tell you because in order to really see how sensitive I am, I have to allow myself to be vulnerable and that is not something I'm used to doing or have done often in the past.
[8:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Very few people have actually seen my sensitivity but for the most part
[8:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There in times when, you know, something may have happened and it crushed me and I had like a street face, right?
[8:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like refused to show, quote unquote weakness, that sort of thing.
[8:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then also feeling like sometimes when I have tried to be vulnerable and express my emotions in the past, like it was shut down.
[8:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like it wasn't received, it made me feel worse.
[8:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I put up walls to protect myself.
[8:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like vulnerability is, it just feels like, I don't even know the words to explain it.
[8:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like I would rather do absolutely anything else than be vulnerable.
[9:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like I would rather mop the ocean, I would rather chew a denim jacket, and then I would count the sound on the ocean.
[9:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like anything, but be vulnerable, but allow people to see me in moments.
[9:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: where I'm not okay.
[9:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then also, like I said, because I was in survival mode, with that paired together, sometimes it's like I didn't really ever have the time to stop and unpack how I was feeling, I just had to like keep it moving, right?
[9:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And forgive me, it's all over the place.
[9:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I literally just started to come on here and just be honest and just rambling, be transparent, okay?
[9:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But the thing with that too, my survival mode, fueled a level of ambition in me, that
[9:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: made me feel like I had to perform an Excel in order to escape survival mode.
[9:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There were other reasons fuel in my ambition, but that was one of them, right?
[9:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Just trying to get out of it.
[9:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so survival mode, creating this level of ambition in me, and then
[10:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: not showing my vulnerability, not showing when things are not okay, led to a lot of people creating this image of me in their head where everything just works out for me, everything goes well, like I don't face any type of hardships in my life whatsoever.
[10:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because when in 25, the way some people reacted to me not being okay, it was like shock that something could be going wrong in my life, which is crazy to me because I know that I literally have no idea what I'm doing and most of the time I'm literally just winging it But I refuse to give up and I will keep going
[10:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and I tried to be optimistic so eventually things work out but I know and God knows that the process of anything that I have ever accomplished that looked easy or got me to a certain point was not easy.
[11:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It took a lot out of me but because I had that issue in showing my vulnerability
[11:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: while I was going to something, I guess it created the impression that things were always perfect for me, right?
[11:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I think even outside of that too, I've just always, I think that definitely
[11:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: um, played a part in painting this image that caused people to place me on this pedestal up here that you know like I just performed my dyslexia, everything always works out, I always have everything together and I think also there probably some other reasons that I may not be aware of but it just felt like there were always high expectations of me to be up here all the time right and if I'm being honest sometimes I
[11:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: it's like I learned how to perform, I learned how to excel, I learned how to be on this pedestal that people placed me on and being up there also protected my vulnerability, it protected me from having to be vulnerable if people assumed that everything was always okay because I already didn't like being vulnerable so with that assumption sometimes it helped because people did not
[12:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, I don't know, I'm processing some of this real time, okay?
[12:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you're a higher cheaper, like, if you know, you know, this is one of those, if you know you know type episodes, okay?
[12:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The girls that get it will get it.
[12:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But it's like, I pretty much got used to performing.
[12:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I got used to like the high expectations.
[12:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I got used to feeling like I always had to be up here.
[12:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: People now expected that of me.
[12:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: People now painted this image of me in their head,
[12:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I never needed anything, so they never offered, and because I hate that vulnerability so much, I refuse to ask.
[12:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that led to me being, you know, still higher achieving accomplishments, accolades, all these things.
[13:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, everything I want, I get it eventually.
[13:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But very isolated, very isolated and very distant overall, because one of the things I have realized is that in order to feel close to people, you need to be vulnerable, apparently, whatever.
[13:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Reserved like the purest form of my vulnerability like the deepest parts of it when I was like Very delicate very sensitive very fragile very vulnerable like the wound was fresh because I
[13:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: felt like I couldn't.
[13:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: At first, when you start going to experiences in life where you feel like it's not safe to be vulnerable for whatever reason.
[13:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: At first, it's like, you don't want to.
[14:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you keep that up long enough, it feels like you quite literally can't.
[14:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: sometimes certain things it's like I would really rather sit and suffer alone.
[14:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I like it's like my mouth will not open to say I need help.
[14:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It just won't happen.
[14:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like a stronghold literally because there are so many memories of being disappointed when I was vulnerable.
[14:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: or when I did need help and you know all of it just piling up over time it's like it just feels like I would rather do quite literally anything than give people the opportunity.
[14:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: to add on to whatever I'm dealing with by not showing up for me or hurting me at a point where I already feel vulnerable.
[15:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like I would rather just be alone and deal with it by myself.
[15:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: then have to try to figure out who's who, who will disappoint me, who will actually show up, who will use it as an opportunity to be like, you're not who I thought you were.
[15:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I learned all of this, like the unraveling of all of it, realizing how it was an issue and how it impacted me.
[15:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I learned all of that last year.
[15:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I realize there's, I think, three or four responses that I typically get when it comes to vulnerability, like 9.99 times out of 10, this has been
[15:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The responses that I've gotten from people at any point where I showed even an ounce of vulnerability.
[15:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's either number one, the popular one, immediately say you'll be strong.
[15:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Don't worry about it, you'll be strong and you'll get through it, you always get through everything.
[16:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know like encouragement to deal with it or handle it.
[16:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: on my own.
[16:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like it'll go away, you have the capacity, you always do in well, you can handle it, be strong, right?
[16:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's number one.
[16:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Number two, they try to fix me, like immediately offer a solution and sometimes it even feels like
[16:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Whatever I may have been going through was almost inconvenient because it's like you don't know how to be around me without trying to offer me a solution So it's kind of like like fix it already.
[16:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why are you down fix it already you can do this you can do that you can do this you can do that And the third one is like some type of realization like so you're not perfect after all your life is not perfect after all you're not who I thought you were
[16:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: like I'm going through something and I have to deal with people saying like coming to some type of realization that you're not who I thought you were like oh it's not always perfect for you like oh that's interesting something is going wrong with you you know
[17:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sometimes it's like a genuine, like, huh, I didn't know, or sometimes it's like a, like a, like a tear me down type of thing.
[17:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, so things aren't perfect for you after all.
[17:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, this will miss perfect isn't perfect or whatever.
[17:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, like, something like that.
[17:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Or the other one is like, give me space, right?
[17:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like,
[17:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: give me space to handle it on my own.
[17:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like just a few might need space.
[17:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's either one of these four.
[17:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I remember some time ago, I think this was last year.
[17:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't remember when I was calling on TikTok and there's this creator that I followed.
[17:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She's an entrepreneur.
[17:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Her name is Grace Beverly.
[17:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She was posting about how she had a miscarriage.
[17:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And she made a
[17:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: just showed up and they were there with her and she was crying and they were just there with her, right?
[18:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I remember watching that and thinking to myself, I wish I had that.
[18:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, I remember watching it and feeling so emotional that I had to put my phone down because it was like, I had a realization that that's it.
[18:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't have that.
[18:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't have the space where it feels like there's no room for me to actually be vulnerable, to actually like sit in anything that's bothering me.
[18:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: when it comes to other people.
[18:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like I can do that on my own.
[18:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can do that in isolation.
[18:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I, I meant like with the people in my life, I felt like there was no space for me to actually sit in what's bothering me as a human being.
[18:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right?
[18:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I see people, I've seen it where somebody's going through something and they just immediately just share it, right then in their like vulnerability.
[18:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: As it happens, as you let it out, as you tell people, as you just, you know, open up to people, amazing, truly.
[19:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I've seen people who have the capacity to do that.
[19:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Something happens, they're immediately vulnerable to just show their emotions.
[19:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It just, you know, and people show up for them immediately, like, just like that.
[19:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They show up, they initiate, they offer help, they do all these things for them, and I would just watch that like, wow, that's such an interesting phenomenon, that's such an interesting way of life.
[19:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I wonder what that's like, right?
[19:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's what I thought when I saw that TikTok, I was like, God, I don't have that.
[19:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't have that opportunity to just sit in something without people trying to fix me or give me space.
[19:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: or encourage me immediately, your strong, you figure it out, like the encouragement, let me sprinkle some encouragement in your situation, but not actually be there for you, not actually do anything, just tell you your strong, or the unfortunate technique as an opportunity to like drop, kick me off the pedestal that didn't even ask to be on, basically.
[20:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right and that made me emotional because it was like after I saw that it's almost like, you know, God had to do some work in my heart immediately because I saw that and immediately I felt like it was hardening in my heart even more because by then I had already known that God was trying to get me to open up and be vulnerable.
[20:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was, you know, fighting it.
[20:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: but it's like I saw that and it immediately made me feel like my heart was hardening because it was like, see that's why you shouldn't be around people.
[20:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's why you should stay isolated.
[20:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's why you can't trust people because when you open up, it's always one of these four things.
[20:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know what's going to happen and it's never actually support.
[20:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's never actually people taking the initiative to help you because people don't think you need help.
[21:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So you just need to stay isolated, don't talk to anybody, don't tell anybody anything because you want to tell people things and then on top of dealing with what you already have to deal with now you have to deal with the fact that they didn't support you, now you have to deal with the fact that you feel even more alone because
[21:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You are safer when you kept it to yourself, at least you couldn't say, at least you didn't have to look at people like, wow, you really didn't show up for me, right?
[21:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it's like, keep it to yourself, stay isolated, you figure out your own problems, you solve your own problems, you handle it, you handle everything else, keep it to yourself, just deal with it, don't let people in, you already know what to expect.
[21:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right and by that time I had already realized that you know God was revealing the student He was revealing some pieces of the puzzle to me where I was starting to understand why I was going to do what I was going to I was starting to understand why he prescribed the trenches.
[22:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I realized it's because
[22:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He wanted to break all of that conditioning, that isolation, hyper-independence, selfishness, the heat for vulnerability, and how guarded my heart was, he wanted to break that out of me.
[22:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the only way to do it was to bring me to a point where I had no choice, but to open up to people,
[22:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I could no longer wear the mask.
[22:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I could no longer stay on the pedestal.
[22:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There have been times where something happened or whatever, and I could just step away for a few days, a few weeks, and then fix it and come back.
[22:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I never have to say what's going on.
[22:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I never have to open up.
[22:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I never have to talk about it.
[22:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I go, I resolve it on my own.
[22:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I deal with it, a handled situation, and I come back.
[22:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He let this drag on to the point where it was literally beating me that I didn't even have the energy to be optimistic.
[23:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't even have the strength to be hopeful.
[23:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Some days, without the thing that carried me through was that I watched Simons every day.
[23:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I had nothing, I had God.
[23:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's the thing that brought me through.
[23:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because sometimes, dim sermons, all he was saying was like, you need to survive, you need to get up.
[23:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, there were days where I woke up, and I didn't even get out of bed.
[23:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't have the energy.
[23:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't cry, I was numb.
[23:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was completely numb.
[23:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like,
[23:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the thing is, it happened over time.
[23:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was gradual.
[23:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It wasn't like something where something major happened.
[23:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then all of a sudden, I feel bad or I feel sad or whatever.
[23:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was something gradual that happened over time, which is even worse because when something is gradual, when something comes on you gradually, you don't see it coming.
[24:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: your optimistic until you've had to be optimistic for so long and things did not work out and you kept picking yourself back up and kept being knocked down and you get to a point where you just don't want to get up.
[24:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I got to a point where I just didn't want to get up because I anticipated being knocked down.
[24:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, my nervous system, everything was completely thrown off because I was losing my sense of optimism.
[24:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, I didn't even want to get up, so it led to days when I woke up, I didn't even want to get out of bed.
[24:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't cry or anything, I was numb.
[24:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't have anything, I'm like, what's the point?
[24:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: you know, and it crept up on me over time.
[24:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I was optimistic about it in the beginning, you know, completely optimistic, like this is just a tough, slow season, you know, a few weeks you months, whatever.
[24:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was a gradual process over like two years.
[24:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't even see it coming, I didn't even see it, got it.
[24:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But like I was optimistic and hopeful and all these things and it just got to a point where I just got tired and I could not
[25:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: go back to my usual tactics where I would just say, let me quote unquote disappear, let me lock in for a few weeks, a few months, few days or weekend, whatever, deal with this comeback boom, I'm good, what we doing, right?
[25:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because it was so long, it took me to a point where I
[25:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't know what to do.
[25:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I always had the answers, or I always trusted myself to figure them out.
[25:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The matter what happened, the reason why I've ever accomplished anything I've ever accomplished, contrary to popular belief, is because I was resilient, you know, it something's definitely hit me upside the head, but I got up.
[25:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and didn't hit me upside the head too much that I couldn't withstand and then eventually overcome it.
[25:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, because I got very used to being in survival mood, very used to doing things myself, solving my own problems, being on my own, thriving and isolation, not really what I thought I was.
[26:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, I thought I was protecting myself.
[26:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had the same attitude going in and I fought it.
[26:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I fought God so much.
[26:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I fought it.
[26:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I resisted so much.
[26:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I knew at one point.
[26:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: that he cared more about my heart because I'm watching these summons and I'm praying for a breakthrough in all these things and he's not talking about that anyway, what's any way shaped with for me.
[26:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He is literally just saying, so you have some bitterness and unforgiveness in your heart.
[26:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We need to work on this.
[26:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Namaste, God, can we put can we?
[26:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Can we reprioritize?
[26:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right now.
[26:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So like there was a point in time where I became very aware that this was prescribed, this wasn't the devil attacking me, this was God and he wanted to make a point, I just felt like the point could wait, you know, I'm saying, I felt like, I felt like, you know, he should take in my suggestions with my timing and all these things, he didn't really listen to them.
[27:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But at some point I knew it was prescribed by him and I knew it was because he wanted to work on my heart.
[27:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I knew it was because he wanted to pull all of that out of me.
[27:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I knew at one point, but I was fighting it so much.
[27:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I knew he wanted me to stop being so hyper independent, so self-reliant, so like just to myself in isolation.
[27:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Keeping people at a reasonable distance to protect myself, to protect my vulnerability, to protect my sensitivity, to protect myself from getting hurt and disappointed by people.
[27:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So keep them here and figure out everything yourself.
[27:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Never put yourself in a position where you need people, right?
[27:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That was my thing.
[27:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I knew he wanted to bring that out of me, but I resisted.
[27:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I think he was gentle with it at first too.
[27:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He was gentle with it at first because I saw it, but then I ignored it and he was like, oh, that's what we're doing.
[28:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: All right, you stay here until you get it.
[28:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You stay here until you have no choice but to be obedient.
[28:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The way I saw it in the beginning was that he was telling me, you know,
[28:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I need you to trust me, you don't trust me, because here's the thing I learned.
[28:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We treat God the same way we treat people.
[28:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We come into this world and we have our experiences with people, where they hurt us, where they give us maybe trust issues, where they make us cold in our hearts, in certain areas, because we've been through trauma and certain experiences.
[28:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then we apply the same posture that we have towards people, towards God.
[28:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the same way people disappointed me and got me to the point of pure self-preservation, selfishness, hyper-independence, self-reliance, isolation, all of these things, I approached God in the same way, I did not treat God like He was trustworthy.
[29:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And he tried to tell me kindly, it was cute in the beginning, okay?
[29:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He was like, I need to trust me.
[29:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm doing something in your life, I need to just sit back and just trust me.
[29:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I said, cool, I trust you, I trust you to do it this way.
[29:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: when he did not do it this way.
[29:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I said, you're not looking trustworthy.
[29:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're looking like people who disappointed me.
[29:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're looking like people who made me figure things out on my own.
[29:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're reminding me of why I don't trust people because I want this thing to be done.
[29:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want it to be done this way and I want it to be done by this point in time.
[29:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I know I feel
[29:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I want to done that way, I can get it done.
[29:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But you said trust you, so I'm going to trust you, cool.
[30:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, God, the deadline pass.
[30:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What are you doing?
[30:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: See, this is why I do things myself.
[30:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then I would completely abort everything that he was doing, everything that we discussed.
[30:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and we kept having to go back to square one because he was trying to teach me to trust him but I had conditions on my trust with him just like I had with other people.
[30:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't like when I want something done and people try to add their own spin and their own vibes and their own flex to it.
[30:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I want something done by a certain time, I just do it myself because I know it would get done the way I wanted to, right?
[30:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When you invite other people, you on that time, they want to be flexible, they want to delete that and it's like, I need this done today, right?
[30:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I carry that same attitude into my relationship with God.
[30:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we all know, if you know the Lord, you know He does His own thing.
[30:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know that we are at the mercy of Him.
[30:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He's not at the mercy of us.
[30:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay?
[30:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We try to give recommendations.
[30:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We try to give our suggestions.
[31:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He does not listen.
[31:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He does things how he wants to on his timeline and he does not always communicate that.
[31:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay?
[31:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He rarely ever does.
[31:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So,
[31:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had a very hard time adjusting to that, because I was used to, by this point, being self-reliant, being hyper independent, I was used to, okay, if I want something done, I'll just do it.
[31:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I'll just do it this way, and I trust that it can be done by then, you know, I'm in control of everything.
[31:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Control made me feel safe, because when I felt like things were out of my control and in other people's control, that's when I was disappointed.
[31:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I'm just like, okay, I need to have things done a certain way.
[31:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God said, I need you to relax and be quiet and have faith, and I said, cool, until he didn't do it the way I expected it.
[31:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it started cool, and because of that, we kept going back and forth.
[31:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: At first he was cute, then it was getting very corrective.
[32:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: At first he looked like Jesus, you know, forgiving, loving, sacrificial.
[32:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Then, because of my stubbornness, he started looking like Old Testament God.
[32:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay?
[32:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And he said, you know what, sensei?
[32:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're not getting it.
[32:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Since you want to do everything yourself, since you think you can solve everything,
[32:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I, I know you can't go very far trying to rely on yourself.
[32:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: First of all, I create a do I know the end from the beginning.
[32:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am outside of time.
[32:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know everything.
[32:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know exactly the destructive path you're going to be on.
[32:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you try to keep doing everything yourself, if you stay on this path of hyper independence, I know that's the line of what I have for you.
[32:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know you will ruin everything.
[32:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you insist on being this way, I have to get out of you.
[32:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm trying to be cute.
[32:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm trying to be nice.
[32:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, listen and cool.
[32:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I am going to let everything fall on your head until you realize that you cannot fix everything and you have to trust me.
[33:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm going to put you in a position where you have no choice but to trust me.
[33:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so that's what happened.
[33:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And little by little, I just things just kept falling on my head.
[33:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's why I kept saying like it felt like as many times that I got up with 10 times stronger was added on top of me to knock me down.
[33:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like I'm tired of getting up, right?
[33:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it got to the point where he was like, all right, cool.
[33:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We are, you know, we're doing well.
[33:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're learning the hard way, but learning nevertheless.
[33:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You understand what I'm doing now.
[33:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You understand that I care more about your heart than getting you out of.
[33:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The season that you are in, I came more about your heart, I came more about who you come out of it as than the fact of you coming out of it itself.
[33:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And you see what I've been doing, you see that I've been trying to get all that out of you, you know, you've been forgiving, you feel lighter, you're doing well, cool.
[34:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There's something else we need to work on.
[34:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We need to touch on your vulnerability.
[34:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I need you now that you know you're doing well, but you clearly not doing well.
[34:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're doing well in terms of pulling out the things that I'm playing out of you, but you're not doing well because you've been here so long, you're losing hope, you're losing faith.
[34:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: the isolation is about to take you out, let's let's take it up a notch and now I want you to ask for help.
[34:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want you to be vulnerable and I want you to tell people that you are not doing okay.
[34:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know you thought I was just going to bring you out of it and you would just be fine and show up like you always show up.
[34:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: No.
[34:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want you, we need to address the wound of you never wanting to show your vulnerability while you're in the middle of something.
[34:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We're going to address that today, I need you to, I need you to open your mouth and just to be honest.
[35:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I said absolutely not.
[35:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I said apps as I said give me anything else.
[35:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Double it and give it to the next person and give me something else to do.
[35:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And he was like, no, you need to ask for help.
[35:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I said I did ask where I asked you for help.
[35:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Hello.
[35:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Almighty, Jira Elohim, Jira Jesus, Yahweh, you help me.
[35:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, the one who parks the red seas, park a sea and walk me out of this.
[35:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let's not like, why are we, why are we, what's with the theatrics?
[35:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why do I need to do that?
[35:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I already asked you for help.
[35:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not doing this in the story.
[35:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Is that all right, cool?
[35:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'll wait.
[35:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have time.
[35:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You don't.
[35:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So long story short.
[35:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: After fighting it after being stubborn and mind you just kept getting worse because it wasn't getting any better.
[35:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had to eventually end up asking for help which would require me to explain that I wasn't actually doing well.
[36:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And most people didn't know that because like I said, I would really rather deal with it by myself.
[36:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so when I started doing that,
[36:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Remember the four responses that I told you about?
[36:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Give me space, shut me up with encouragement saying I'm strong and I can handle it.
[36:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Taking that's an opportunity to destroy me or this whole revelation that you're not who I thought you were.
[36:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This, this exactly what happened.
[36:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I noticed that me barely surviving mentally and emotionally hanging on by whatever is less than a thread.
[36:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I noticed that it was impacting my relationships because I could not show up for myself, let alone other people.
[36:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I completely fell off the planet.
[36:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so...
[36:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was like, you really want me to do this, you really want me to say something.
[36:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why don't you just take me out?
[36:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He's like, like I said, I want you.
[36:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I need to break this, this this allergy to vulnerability that you have.
[37:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the way to do that is through that.
[37:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So like I said, do I said, be obedient.
[37:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm in control house.
[37:10] \[UNKNOWN\]: I
[37:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know how to describe that experience other than excruciating, in like every way possible.
[37:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'll try to give you an analogy to explain what it was like for me.
[37:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was like, you know how sometimes people reference like your inner, your younger self, or like your inner child, or whatever.
[37:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want you to imagine like my inner child.
[37:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: the most sensitive part of me, the part that I really try to keep away from people, right?
[37:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want you to imagine her because when I'm vulnerable, it's like she's the one on display at the forefront, not the wolf that I turned into to protect her, right?
[38:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And be hyper-dependent and
[38:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was like she was about to come out.
[38:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Very sensitive, very fragile, you know, been locked away behind the doors that I locked her in to protect her.
[38:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, for a very long time, she's been hasn't seen the light of day.
[38:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And she's the one who's coming out.
[38:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's God is saying, I want you to take heart and I want you to go ask for help.
[38:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Tell people that you are not okay.
[38:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Stop trying to carry everything by yourself, okay?
[38:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I was like, you know what?
[38:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I clearly have no choice, so cool.
[38:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I will do all of this today and she came out.
[38:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She was opening door.
[38:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was creaking and I was like it was like one person after the other.
[38:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, hey, I'm not okay.
[38:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Slam the door.
[38:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You'll be okay.
[39:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You'll be strong.
[39:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You'll be fine.
[39:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You make it through everything.
[39:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You'll be okay.
[39:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm like, okay.
[39:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I go back to go and I was like, this is what I'm talking about.
[39:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is why I told you
[39:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm like, are you serious?
[39:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I already know at this point I have no choice.
[39:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I keep going and I'm like, same thing.
[39:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Hey, I haven't been okay.
[39:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Wow.
[39:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I guess little misperfect isn't so perfect after all.
[39:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay.
[39:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You still want me to keep doing this, God?
[39:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You just like on top of everything I'm dealing with.
[39:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You still want me to keep doing, like you don't, you don't think I've been through enough.
[39:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know how much I hate doing this.
[39:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You still want me, is I keep going?
[39:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I said, okay?
[39:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Open up the door again.
[39:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Hey.
[39:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not, oh, you know what, that's life, things happen.
[40:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm just going to give you some space.
[40:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm sure you'll figure it out.
[40:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I guess you want me to keep going, yeah, keep going, okay, cool, cool.
[40:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Hey, I'm not, okay, what you can do this, you can do that, you can do this, you can do that, let's relax.
[40:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let's relax, I hear you, I appreciate you.
[40:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Cause it was kind of like a,
[40:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, you know, I'm sorry to head out of right cool, but like every time you see me, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this.
[40:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm just like, it feels like I'm not even human, like I'm some type of project that you have to fix.
[40:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I'm just like, I don't, I don't, I don't always want to think about things.
[40:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just want to exist.
[40:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like I feel like an inconvenience, a problem that you have to solve and fix immediately, as if as if you're rushing me out of how I feel.
[40:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's concerning because I can't help how I feel.
[40:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the situation is the situation.
[41:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like, I don't, it feels almost as if you keep trying to fix me and not really seeing me.
[41:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it's like, I don't know what, and God is like, keep going, I was like, am I a joke?
[41:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Am I a joke?
[41:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Am I, am I a joke?
[41:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I'm like, okay, fine.
[41:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I keep going.
[41:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then out of nowhere, somebody was like, oh my God, that's why I haven't heard from you.
[41:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm so sorry to hear that.
[41:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What do you need?
[41:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My God, what is this?
[41:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was so shocked that I didn't even know how to process it.
[41:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I almost didn't want to respond.
[41:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That sounds so crazy because it's like the very thing
[41:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In the very area where you were hurt, you stop expecting the best from people in that area.
[42:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You stop being optimistic in that area.
[42:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And even if some parts of you might want it, when you finally get, you don't even know how to respond to it.
[42:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You don't even know what to do with it.
[42:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's how I fight and even know what to do with it.
[42:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm like, I don't even know how to react right now.
[42:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because I was expecting you to slam the door like everybody else.
[42:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That completely caught me off guard and he was like keep going and I went again and there were more people behind that door
[42:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I was so shocked because it made me realize that, yeah, something's happened like I anticipated in the worst way.
[42:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But it taught me that I actually had people in my life that I could rely on, but because by that point, I had already put up so many walls.
[42:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: didn't even know how to take them down, didn't even want to take them down, feel like they were impossible to take down, rather do anything, then take them down.
[43:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just didn't think it was possible to have a different reality, I didn't know what to do with it.
[43:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I am so grateful for the people who helped me take down those walls, who shocked me.
[43:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sorry, I really wasn't expecting it, and I'm still learning to operate without those walls.
[43:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When you've had them up for so long, it's kind of like, it's a daily decision.
[43:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: it's a daily decision because I've made a lot of progress now, you know, that happened last year.
[43:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There's been a lot of progress since then.
[43:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm just telling you how it happened.
[43:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I've made a lot of progress in terms of my vulnerability and just doing just showing up while the wound is still fresh instead of, you know, when it's a scar and I feel okay.
[43:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I've learned so much, y'all.
[44:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Life is beautiful when you have people who care about you.
[44:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Actually, what I want to say to the higher achievers is that life is beautiful when you find the right people who
[44:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: help you break down some of these walls by showing up for you, where they're actually there for you and it's not one of the four things I described.
[44:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because one of the things that I had to learn in that moment when I made it to those last couple of doors, where there was actually support.
[44:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One of the reasons why it was so freeing to have that experience is because for the first time in my entire life,
[44:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just turned 29 on the 15th.
[44:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My birthday just passed.
[44:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know I didn't say anything, but yeah, my birthday just passed.
[44:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I just turned 29 and for the first time in my life at 29 years old, what happened at 28?
[45:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But for the first time in my life, that,
[45:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That was the first time that I actually felt like I could show up around people and not have it all together.
[45:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That was one of the biggest things that I just, I felt like I couldn't do.
[45:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I felt like because of all of the expectations that I knew and that I realized were placed on me.
[45:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: at that extent last year.
[45:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I always felt like they were there.
[45:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I always knew, but I didn't see.
[45:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I didn't learn about the pedestal that people placed me on to the extent that it existed until last year.
[45:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I one of the most free things about that was that was the first time in my life where I actually felt like I could show up.
[45:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: around people and not have answers and not have my life together because I felt like there was always a pressure to have the answers to have everything figured out.
[46:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I got so annoyed, I didn't really say this 21 but I would be so annoyed when people would ask me for updates on my life because I didn't have the answers, I didn't know what people wanted for me and it felt like so much pressure.
[46:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, almost as if I felt like a failure to not even have answers to give updates because I generally didn't know what was going on.
[46:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the thing is, I've been there before, but I God didn't, I didn't have to be open with it.
[46:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, I could just hide.
[46:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I could just disappear and hide, solve things, and then come back, right?
[46:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But this time around,
[46:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: God brought me to a point where, you know, it was evident that, you know, life was life in and I couldn't hide it.
[47:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was out in the open at some point and it's like, I really, I just felt so much pressure when people would check on me because I'm just like, I don't have answers.
[47:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: People keep asking me for answers.
[47:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't have answers.
[47:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm at the mercy of God.
[47:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He's making an example out of me.
[47:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He wants me to trust him.
[47:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He wants me to lean on him.
[47:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: He wants me to have faith for things that it doesn't look like it's going to happen.
[47:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I don't have answers, and I don't like the answers that I have, and the reason why I didn't like the answers, the reason why it was so frustrating to not have answers is because I felt like I always had to have them.
[47:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I felt like there was such a pressure to always have my life together, to always be performing, to always be doing well, to always make people proud, to always live up to the image that people had of me.
[47:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and it was so heavy that I think that's one of the things that weighed on me emotionally more than anything else, feeling like completely defeated and not knowing what to do about it and worrying about how people would perceive me because I wasn't living up to those expectations.
[48:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And again, seeing the four responses that I constantly had to deal with all the time, it's like it just never felt like I had the opportunity to
[48:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: be vulnerable to be down, to not have answers, to not have it together and show up around people.
[48:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't want to be in that position and have to hear somebody say something like you're not who you thought I was.
[48:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When did I say I was that person?
[48:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When did I say that I was perfect?
[48:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When did I say that?
[48:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like people had decided who I was and what my life was like, they placed me on that pedestal, they had those expectations, I wasn't even aware of it, but it's like they would kick me off of it anytime I didn't meet those expectations.
[49:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it's like I had to carry that burden and it was exhausting, it was exhausting to feel like I always had to have everything together all the time because I know that that wasn't my reality.
[49:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know the truth.
[49:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know that everything that I've ever accomplished, everything that I've ever that I know what it took, I know how many sleepless nights I've had, I know how many times I've cried myself to sleep, I know many times I didn't have answers but I chose something and I kept going and it happened to workout, I know how many times I failed along the way, I never felt like it was safe to show that because of the expectations but I always knew that things never came easy for me.
[49:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But because I didn't feel like I was allowed to be vulnerable, I wasn't allowed to get off that pedestal and not maintain the image the expectations that people had of me.
[50:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I already didn't want to be vulnerable because I knew to expect the four responses and I also didn't like it at that point.
[50:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like it just kept perpetuating the cycle that just put a lot of pressure on me to perform.
[50:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the reason why I went through all of that in hindsight, I realized it's because God wanted to break all of that out of me.
[50:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because in the next episode, I will share some of the other things that it was blocking me, preventing me from doing.
[50:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But everything came full circle, but it was the pressure to live up to those expectations.
[50:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like it just, it's like,
[50:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One of the seven wonders of the world is like the eighth wonder of the world to me when I see somebody who's going through something and they just immediately share and they open up and they're like they're open and honest and vulnerable immediately and then people meet them with like support and initiative.
[51:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay.
[51:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and they just like reach out and help them know this, it's like the if wonder of the world for me to see that happening because that was not my reality for most of my life.
[51:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it conditioned me to keep these things to myself.
[51:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I know my vulnerability is going to be met with one of these four responses, why would I do it?
[51:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would I knowing that I'm already going through a hard time?
[51:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would I subject myself to...
[51:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: more pressure or more pain by having to deal with what I'm going through on top of one of the four responses that I typically get anytime I'm vulnerable.
[51:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would I subject myself to that?
[51:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know whose who?
[51:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because anytime I've ever been vulnerable, I never expected to be met that way.
[51:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I was never vulnerable with anybody that I expected to disappoint me.
[52:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I already know that the disappointment comes from people you trust now.
[52:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I don't know who's who, if I don't know what to expect from who, why would I put myself through this mental mind games, this mental and emotional mind games that draining game on top of what I'm already going through?
[52:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You see what I mean?
[52:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I always opted out of it.
[52:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I chose not to do it, right?
[52:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And only people who have dealt with that pressure of people just always thinking that you some perfect person and always like ready to drop kick you off the face of the earth when you don't live up to those expectations expectations they can't mean by the way, but I guess.
[52:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When they try to, you know, when they're ready to tear you apart for not living up to those expectations, only people who know what that's like will be able to resonate.
[52:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because it's an unbearable pressure to bear, it's an unbearable load to bear.
[52:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because on top of that, I go through life, like everybody else, life lives for me, like it lives for everybody else.
[53:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The difference is I feel like I have to deal with it alone.
[53:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I feel like I cannot be vulnerable, I cannot be honest when life is lifeing for me, because I don't also want to deal with osulumis perfect isn't perfect after all, or why you're not who I thought you were, I thought everything just, you know, you'll be strong, you'll be strong, you'll be fine, or do this, do this, do that, do that, like an inconvenience.
[53:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: like, like just fix yourself already so you can get back to who I expect you to be.
[53:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It never felt like there was any room for me to just sit in not knowing the answers to whatever I was going through.
[53:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It never felt like it was possible for me to sit with that.
[53:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So anytime I felt that, I would immediately retreat, immediately like disappear, fall off the face of the earth, because I don't know how to deal with that and people at the same time, because I know people have more commentary,
[54:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: around one of those four responses, then they usually do support.
[54:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You see what I mean?
[54:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, if I know I'm going to open up to you and I already don't like it.
[54:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I feel more depleted, more alone, because it's like, no support.
[54:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would I keep doing that?
[54:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why would I keep doing that, you know?
[54:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But yeah, I digress.
[54:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I say all that to say, I, because of these things, I really did not know how to,
[54:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: function, like I typically function because God decided that.
[54:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, that was necessary.
[54:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now in hindsight, I'm truly grateful for that experience, not like I understand it, because like I said, all the things I described was how I felt like in the moment going through it, as it was unraveling, but people did show up for me.
[54:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that was one of the nicest things that I have ever experienced.
[54:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, wow.
[55:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: People show up for you and they help you and they support you and they don't try to fix you and they just they just allow you to be Just like your life is laughing that's cool.
[55:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, let's just you know, let's still let's still do stuff.
[55:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let's do you
[55:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I had to work my way up to that because it's not easy, it's still a daily decision, it's a daily decision, you don't go through most of your life, being hyper independent and self-reliant and you know, allergic to vulnerability and in all of a sudden you have this breakthrough moment and it's like boom heal.
[55:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like, no, I have the perspective now and I definitely am more vulnerable with a very
[55:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I understand that it's still a daily decision because anytime something happens, anytime there's a wound, it's like a present moment decision to say, do I keep this to myself and retreat, you know, like my prior conditioning or do I
[56:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Open up to the people that I know I can trust.
[56:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like a constant decision that I have to make.
[56:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it's not like one and done healed, but like, yeah, that's why I love it.
[56:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's very nice to be able to do that.
[56:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's something I have to learn how to do.
[56:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have to work my way up to doing it because it's like, if you know you know, it's just like a resistance in your spirit.
[56:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like a resistance in your spirit.
[56:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: to say you need help or to say something is wrong, because it doesn't register like asking for help.
[56:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It doesn't register as getting support because that's not the typical responses that I was met with.
[56:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It registers as giving people the opportunity to disappoint you.
[56:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: handling more pain on top of what you're already going through.
[56:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's a perspective shift.
[56:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't see it as asking for help.
[57:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I see it as, do I have the capacity to be disappointed by you?
[57:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Considering what I'm going through right now?
[57:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's how I see it.
[57:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So if I see it that way, it's not like we think in about two different things.
[57:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You thinking about what introduced us for help?
[57:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm thinking about,
[57:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My life is falling apart right now, do I also want to discover whether or not you would support me in this moment or do I just want to handle it because I feel like I'm at capacity already?
[57:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's the decision that I was actually making.
[57:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Not simply, oh I know this person loves me.
[57:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let me just reach out to them.
[57:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: No, do I have the capacity to be disappointed right now?
[57:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and if you do disappoint me, what do I do about it?
[57:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How do I deal with you going forward?
[57:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How do I look at you?
[57:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How do I now I have to confront things?
[57:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now I have to confront my emotions.
[57:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now I have to decide.
[57:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do I swallow my emotions in the disappointment and keep you around?
[57:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Or do I actually have to confront this and speak up and be vulnerable and say that I was hurt?
[58:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Or do I just want to deal with it myself?
[58:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You see what I mean?
[58:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's the decision.
[58:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's the thought process.
[58:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not as simple as what did you just ask for help?
[58:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: No.
[58:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do I want to give you the opportunity to disappoint me?
[58:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When you have that perspective, you approach it completely different, right?
[58:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So, just want to give you that perspective, but if you're a high-achievement listening, you already know.
[58:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So this episode ended up being over two hours long, so I cut it into two parts.
[58:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is the end of part one, and here is a preview of what's coming up next in part two.
[58:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't like feeling like people just want to know what's going on with me, and then it's like you get your fix, you know what's going on, and then that's it.
[58:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But I don't feel supported, I don't feel any better that.
[58:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I open up to you.
[58:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It makes me feel like you just took something for me.
[58:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Not everyone gets to ask you how you navigated the battle that they left you to fight yourself.
[59:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not a simple matter of just asking for help.
[59:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not a matter of me not trusting you.
[59:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not a matter of me looking at you specifically as a person.
[59:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and ignoring everything that we've been through and saying I don't trust you, I'm going to intentionally withhold from you and leave you out.
[59:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was never personal.
[59:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The strong one is overwhelmed.
[59:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do I deal with this as the strong one or do I try to invite somebody in to help the strong one at the risk of hurting the little girl?
[59:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's all it came down to.
[59:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was survival.
[59:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was survival, it was honestly being scared out of my mind to be disappointed.

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