# 2. My Light | Lost Hills

An episode of [Examined: The Backfire Effect](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1549249596), 10 Jun 2024, 42 min.

Audio: https://podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/pscrb.fm/rss/p/pdrl.fm/e27c90/tracking.swap.fm/track/SxlTEPDY7xDg35RXkASs/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/e73c998e-6e60-432f-8610-ae210140c5b1/31bb1c28-0fb5-4627-b8a7-ae32006cd7c1/4e7321f8-9e13-481a-ab4e-b18601193ae4/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=093755db-b947-43f4-a067-ae32006cd7cf

Investigators search Mitrice’s impounded car and find several journals she wrote in the last months of her life. Never before shared publicly, the journals offer details about Mitrice’s mental state and her complicated love life. We track down an old girlfriend, who reveals Mitrice’s secret struggle. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:15] Speaker 1: Pushkin.
[0:23] Speaker 2: When Mitrice Richardson disappeared in September 2009, investigators searched her car,
[0:28] Speaker 2: the one that had been impounded by the sheriff's department
[0:31] Speaker 2: after she couldn't pay her bill at Joffrey's restaurant. They
[0:35] Speaker 2: discovered several journals belonging to Mitrice. They were full of
[0:38] Speaker 2: information about Mitrice's life, and they would ultimately shape the
[0:42] Speaker 2: investigation into her death. Mitrice's dad, Michael Richardson, shared four
[0:49] Speaker 2: of the journals with us. He encouraged us to use
[0:52] Speaker 2: them so his daughter's voice could be heard. My producer
[0:56] Speaker 2: Haley Fox and I are reporting this season of Lost
[0:59] Speaker 2: Hills together. We laid the journals out on a table
[1:02] Speaker 2: in the office and started to scour them for clues
[1:06] Speaker 2: about who Mitrice was and what became of her. This
[1:09] Speaker 2: bright young woman, full of promise, whose life went wildly
[1:13] Speaker 2: off course. The entries have been lightly edited for clarity,
[1:18] Speaker 2: and they're being read by an actor.
[1:23] Speaker 3: February 25, 2009. My very first journal. Well, not diary
[1:29] Speaker 3: or composition book, but my own journal with the intent
[1:32] Speaker 3: of reflection and bettering myself.
[1:35] Speaker 2: Mitrice's handwriting is neat and emphatic, full of OMGs and
[1:40] Speaker 2: smiley faces and exclamation points, which she punctuates with hearts.
[1:45] Speaker 3: First things first, I want to own my own home.
[1:48] Speaker 3: I want to do this because it is an awesome
[1:51] Speaker 3: investment and gives me something to do while I'm preparing
[1:54] Speaker 3: to go back to school. Because, let's face it, I'm
[1:58] Speaker 3: the type of girl who enjoys accomplishing everything I set
[2:01] Speaker 3: out to do.
[2:02] Speaker 2: Her journal, she writes, is her best friend. She signs
[2:06] Speaker 2: her entries, Mitrice Richardson.
[2:09] Speaker 3: I like talking, dancing, telling jokes, debating, eating, analyzing, sunshine, music,
[2:17] Speaker 3: sports cars, security, people. Don't like when people are wronged, discrimination, divas, racist, laziness,
[2:27] Speaker 3: cramped space, being monitored, neediness, unmotivated people.
[2:34] Speaker 2: At 24, Mitrice is brimming with excitement about the world
[2:37] Speaker 2: and her place in it. She's a recent graduate of
[2:40] Speaker 2: Cal State Fullerton, where she majored in psychology and discovered
[2:44] Speaker 2: an important part of her identity. After going out with
[2:48] Speaker 2: boys in high school, she came out as gay in college,
[2:51] Speaker 2: dating two women, Desiree Black and Tessa Moon. Like a
[2:56] Speaker 2: lot of people in their early 20s, she's still figuring
[2:58] Speaker 2: things out, especially when it comes to her love life.
[3:02] Speaker 3: Between Des and Tessa, I get one perfect person, but
[3:06] Speaker 3: I know this will never work. But right now, it's
[3:10] Speaker 3: too good to let go of.
[3:12] Speaker 2: She's an executive assistant at a freight company owned by
[3:15] Speaker 2: Tessa's family. And she's also dabbling in other fields. She's
[3:20] Speaker 2: trying to get into modeling and substitute teaching. She's taking
[3:23] Speaker 2: motorcycle lessons and go-go dancing at gay bars.
[3:28] Speaker 3: Man, have I been busy, busy, busy. Okay, so first
[3:31] Speaker 3: things first. I don't think I mentioned it, but I
[3:33] Speaker 3: had an audition for a go-go position, and yay, I
[3:37] Speaker 3: got it. I even saw a few cuties, which made
[3:40] Speaker 3: me want to dance.
[3:41] Speaker 1: Woohoo!
[3:42] Speaker 3: So I go back again tonight. Okay, new topic. I've
[3:48] Speaker 3: been taking motorcycle classes. It's actually really hard, LMAO. Yeah,
[3:54] Speaker 3: so I'm still pretty dangerous. Go-go wardrobe ideas. Small feathers
[4:01] Speaker 3: outline under boob wiring.
[4:03] Speaker 2: Use red.
[4:04] Speaker 3: Strings for sides, many colors. Tie rag around boot. Furry
[4:10] Speaker 3: red sock slash strappy heels.
[4:16] Speaker 2: But she's getting ready to realize an ambitious dream.
[4:21] Speaker 3: Today I'll just be reading and doing research on both
[4:23] Speaker 3: finding a home plan to start saving for and to
[4:26] Speaker 3: start preparing for grad school.
[4:28] Speaker 2: She wants to be a therapist.
[4:30] Speaker 3: I want to be the gay and lesbian guru.
[4:35] Speaker 2: 2009, she writes, is going to be a transformative year
[4:38] Speaker 2: for her.
[4:39] Speaker 3: So here's to me and my progression forward. I refuse
[4:42] Speaker 3: to let this year go to waste. And the new
[4:44] Speaker 3: motto is, 09 is mine.
[4:47] Speaker 2: She's shedding an old identity, one that served her for
[4:50] Speaker 2: many years. The identity of the beautiful, perfectly composed, perfectly
[4:56] Speaker 2: presentable young lady. The beauty pageant contestant. The pleaser. That's
[5:02] Speaker 2: falling away. And in its place, someone new is being born.
[5:09] Speaker 3: I think the Lord has blessed me with a good
[5:11] Speaker 3: head on my shoulders and a love for friendly debates.
[5:14] Speaker 3: I've always loved a challenge. Well, if I'm going to
[5:18] Speaker 3: start my career as a great gay therapist, I better
[5:22] Speaker 3: get used to people being disgusted by me. So watch out, people.
[5:27] Speaker 3: I'm about to make a name for myself. Let's go.
[5:31] Speaker 2: The real Maitrese is emerging. She's done being a beauty queen.
[5:37] Speaker 2: She's ready to be a voice. I'm Dana Goodyear, and
[5:46] Speaker 2: this is Lost Hills.
[5:47] Speaker 4: Lost Hills.
[6:13] Speaker 2: Episode 2, My Light. Picture Mitrice. She's vivacious and charismatic,
[6:24] Speaker 2: with almond-shaped eyes and a dazzling smile. A person you
[6:28] Speaker 2: can't help but notice. She makes sure of it.
[6:32] Speaker 5: Well, she was a bit of a show-off. It started
[6:35] Speaker 5: early on. Like, I remember she was in this private
[6:39] Speaker 5: daycare when she was three. And, you know, she just
[6:42] Speaker 5: did her part. And Mitrice is just like, this is me.
[6:46] Speaker 5: This is the light. Even at three years old.
[6:51] Speaker 2: This is Mitrice's dad.
[6:53] Speaker 5: My name is Michael L. Richardson. I'm the proud father
[6:57] Speaker 5: of Mitrice Richardson. One of my favorite pictures of her
[7:02] Speaker 5: is a picture of her in her cheerleading uniform. It's
[7:07] Speaker 5: called a Roman kick that she taught me. And it's
[7:12] Speaker 5: when you're standing straight up like this, and you just
[7:15] Speaker 5: jump straight up and kick both legs out, and your
[7:18] Speaker 5: fingers touch your toes. And, you know, her mom caught
[7:21] Speaker 5: that picture, and it looked like her legs was just
[7:24] Speaker 5: straight out like this. My favorite picture.
[7:27] Speaker 2: Michael is tall and heavyset, with sparkling eyes and a
[7:30] Speaker 2: boisterous laugh. He works in private security and owns a
[7:34] Speaker 2: pair of poodles named Delta and Bentley. On sunny days,
[7:38] Speaker 2: he likes to drive around L.A. in a 66 Chevy.
[7:42] Speaker 5: It looks like what they refer to as a lowrider.
[7:45] Speaker 5: It's pearl white. When the sun hits it, it sparkles.
[7:50] Speaker 5: It has a mega sound system in it because she
[7:53] Speaker 5: and I.
[7:53] Speaker 2: On the trunk, there's a portrait of Mitrice in a
[7:56] Speaker 2: white gown and tiara with angel wings.
[8:00] Speaker 5: She was in a pageant once and she had this
[8:04] Speaker 5: tiara on and We took that and put it on
[8:08] Speaker 5: the back of the car, and above it, it has
[8:12] Speaker 5: the words, Still Riding With My Daddy. It's pretty crazy
[8:17] Speaker 5: because every time I drive it, you will look over
[8:21] Speaker 5: at me and just see me with tears in my eyes,
[8:23] Speaker 5: just bawling, you know. But I'm just steady cruising, you know. So, yeah,
[8:30] Speaker 5: it's very sentimental to me.
[8:33] Speaker 2: Michael and Mitrice's mother, Latisse Sutton, were high school sweethearts.
[8:38] Speaker 5: We had Mitrice very young. I think we were 17
[8:42] Speaker 5: when her mother became pregnant, and we finished high school.
[8:46] Speaker 5: Mitrice was born in our senior year, and just always
[8:50] Speaker 5: a good kid.
[8:53] Speaker 2: At the time, Latice lived with her grandmother, Mildred Harris,
[8:57] Speaker 2: in Willowbrook, a neighborhood in South L.A.
[9:00] Speaker 5: Her mother, Latice, was in debutante things in sophistication, and Ms.
[9:08] Speaker 5: Harris was just very regal, just very regal.
[9:12] Speaker 2: When Matrice was about four years old, Michael went to
[9:14] Speaker 2: prison for five years. He and Latice split up, and
[9:18] Speaker 2: she married a man named Larry Sutton.
[9:21] Speaker 5: Matrice's stepfather, Larry, came into the life, and he was
[9:26] Speaker 5: an executive for Southern California Edison.
[9:29] Speaker 2: Latice and Larry moved Matrice out of the city to
[9:33] Speaker 2: the more affluent community of West Covina.
[9:36] Speaker 5: And I remember when I came to visit them, I
[9:39] Speaker 5: looked like, wow, man, talk about the real-life Jeffersons here.
[9:42] Speaker 5: You know, they moved on up.
[9:46] Speaker 2: And it was there, in the comfortable suburbs, that Mitrice
[9:49] Speaker 2: grew up.
[9:51] Speaker 4: I remember the very first day of school, there was
[9:53] Speaker 4: this loud, beautiful Black girl that was like, hey, you're
[9:55] Speaker 4: the new Black girl in school, let's be friends. And
[9:57] Speaker 4: that was Mitrice.
[9:59] Speaker 2: This is Jewel Moore. She was one of Mitrice's closest friends,
[10:03] Speaker 2: starting in the eighth grade.
[10:06] Speaker 4: And from that day forward, we kind of bonded and
[10:08] Speaker 4: clicked and maintained a friendship. She enjoyed dance. I enjoyed dance.
[10:13] Speaker 4: That was a passion that we shared together. We auditioned
[10:15] Speaker 4: to be cheerleaders in high school together and then even
[10:18] Speaker 4: took dance classes together in college.
[10:20] Speaker 2: Mitrice was popular with good reason.
[10:24] Speaker 4: In junior high school and high school, Matrice is a firecracker.
[10:28] Speaker 4: She was always, like, very vivacious. When she walked into
[10:31] Speaker 4: a room, she lit it up. I mean, she would
[10:34] Speaker 4: walk in and not knowing everybody and then leave knowing everybody.
[10:38] Speaker 2: But there were high expectations riding on her, too.
[10:42] Speaker 4: Her mom was very, very, very, very stickler about, like, education.
[10:47] Speaker 4: Matrice pushed, like, If you're going to do this, like,
[10:50] Speaker 4: you got to be the best. So she always wanted
[10:52] Speaker 4: to be the best in everything that she did. So
[10:56] Speaker 4: even in the relationship with her mom, it's being the
[11:00] Speaker 4: best child I can be with also being Mitrice, which was,
[11:04] Speaker 4: you know, her own person.
[11:08] Speaker 2: Once in a while, Mitrice would slip up and get
[11:11] Speaker 2: in trouble.
[11:12] Speaker 4: So here's, like, a fun Mitrice story. She would get
[11:15] Speaker 4: in trouble, and so her mom would make her wear
[11:16] Speaker 4: a uniform to school, although our school wasn't uniformed.
[11:19] Speaker 1: So she would be like the.
[11:21] Speaker 4: Only girl at school in a uniform. I mean, this
[11:25] Speaker 4: is back in like the 2000s, like late 90s, where
[11:29] Speaker 4: fashion was important. So she's wearing these long plaid skirts
[11:32] Speaker 4: with like high socks and ugly sweatshirts and like collared
[11:35] Speaker 4: shirts in a school where, you know, everybody is trying
[11:39] Speaker 4: to figure.
[11:39] Speaker 1: Out the next like.
[11:41] Speaker 4: Track suit or, you know, like, so that was her.
[11:44] Speaker 4: She did what she wanted to do and suffered the consequences.
[11:51] Speaker 2: Growing up, Matrice was sheltered.
[11:54] Speaker 4: She wasn't the street savvy kid. I mean, she was
[11:58] Speaker 4: afraid of the dark, even as an adult. Latice was like,
[12:01] Speaker 4: I drive you everywhere. I need to know where you go.
[12:03] Speaker 4: They were very strict about where she drove when she
[12:07] Speaker 4: got her license. Like, Matrice did not take public transportation,
[12:11] Speaker 4: wouldn't know how to if her life depended on it.
[12:14] Speaker 2: Michael was protective, too, in his own way. At one
[12:18] Speaker 2: of the many proms Mitrice went to, he did something
[12:21] Speaker 2: that became legendary among her friends.
[12:24] Speaker 4: My favorite prom story, which I tell Michael all the time,
[12:27] Speaker 4: is Michael drove us to our prom. and threatened our
[12:31] Speaker 4: principal and told us, like, none of us better come
[12:34] Speaker 4: back pregnant. And our principal was terrified because if you've
[12:37] Speaker 4: seen Michael, you do not want him coming to you
[12:40] Speaker 4: threatening him about your daughter. So that's, like, my favorite
[12:47] Speaker 4: prom story.
[12:50] Speaker 2: Jewel says, from the time they were kids, Mitrice's favorite
[12:53] Speaker 2: flower was the sunflower.
[12:56] Speaker 4: She just really loved them because they're just beautiful and,
[12:59] Speaker 4: you know, like they're different from all the other flowers
[13:01] Speaker 4: and where they grow and their representation of, you know,
[13:05] Speaker 4: growing towards the light and how tall they can grow
[13:09] Speaker 4: and what they can grow into.
[13:11] Speaker 2: That was my trees. Beautiful, original, and growing towards the light.
[13:18] Speaker 2: Until suddenly, she changed. On June 26, 2009, Mitrice wrote
[13:39] Speaker 2: a heartbroken journal entry about the death of Michael Jackson.
[13:45] Speaker 3: I'm writing today because yesterday a great man passed away.
[13:49] Speaker 3: Michael Jackson. I wish it were a lie. Can't believe
[13:53] Speaker 3: I'm crying. I loved him. I know I did. This
[13:58] Speaker 3: pain I feel is real. I love you. Your fans
[14:03] Speaker 3: slash inspired. Matrice Richardson.
[14:07] Speaker 1: She was devastated.
[14:09] Speaker 2: She felt like she was one of the few people
[14:11] Speaker 2: who truly understood him. And it sent her into a
[14:14] Speaker 2: funk she couldn't shake.
[14:17] Speaker 3: Okay, it's been a long time, I know. But it's
[14:21] Speaker 3: because I've been feeling kind of worthless. You know how
[14:24] Speaker 3: I made all these plans to get a new job
[14:26] Speaker 3: and yaddy yaddy boo boo? I finally realized I barely
[14:30] Speaker 3: do my jobs as it is now. And I love
[14:33] Speaker 3: my jobs.
[14:35] Speaker 2: It was right around then, in July 2009, that she
[14:38] Speaker 2: met and fell in love with a woman named Hannah Parks.
[14:43] Speaker 2: Matrice was performing at Deborah's, a ladies' night at a
[14:46] Speaker 2: gay club in Long Beach. In walked Hannah, skinny, blonde,
[14:51] Speaker 2: covered in tattoos, and wearing sunglasses inside.
[14:55] Speaker 3: I found God and then I saw you. I saw
[14:59] Speaker 3: you through the darkness of the club. You saw me
[15:02] Speaker 3: through the shades of your glasses, and we never really
[15:05] Speaker 3: saw one another's appearance until the light.
[15:11] Speaker 2: Hannah Parks is wary of attention. She was questioned by
[15:14] Speaker 2: police about Mitrice's disappearance, and Mitrice's family was pretty hostile
[15:19] Speaker 2: toward her. We could tell from the journals that she
[15:22] Speaker 2: and Mitrice were spending a lot of time together in
[15:25] Speaker 2: the weeks before Mitrice went missing. and we knew from
[15:28] Speaker 2: law enforcement documents that Mitrice had told the valet at
[15:32] Speaker 2: Joffrey's she was there to meet Hannah. Haley and I
[15:36] Speaker 2: tried calling and emailing, but didn't get anywhere. We ended
[15:40] Speaker 2: up driving down to Orange County to an address where
[15:42] Speaker 2: we thought she lived and leaving a note on a
[15:44] Speaker 2: car we thought belonged to her. A few days later,
[15:47] Speaker 2: she invited us over. Her wife, Kelsey, answered the door.
[15:51] Speaker 4: Hannah was and is a serious Christian. But back in
[15:55] Speaker 4: the summer of 2009, she was taking a little hiatus
[15:58] Speaker 4: from piety.
[16:15] Speaker 1: So I, at the time, was going to a private
[16:18] Speaker 1: Christian university, but it was during the summer. So I
[16:22] Speaker 1: was kind of wilding out a little bit. And a
[16:25] Speaker 1: couple friends and I went to a club in Long
[16:29] Speaker 1: Beach called Deborah's, I believe. And that evening, my trees
[16:35] Speaker 1: was there like go-go dancing. And I spotted her.
[16:41] Speaker 2: Matrice was on stage dancing behind a partition while people
[16:45] Speaker 2: threw money at her.
[16:46] Speaker 1: She wasn't wearing much. A lot of girls that would
[16:51] Speaker 1: do like go-go dancing weren't that talented really at dancing,
[16:54] Speaker 1: but she was a really good dancer. And I don't know,
[16:57] Speaker 1: she just had this energy about her that made me intrigued.
[17:02] Speaker 2: Part of what intrigued Hannah was that Matrice was staring
[17:05] Speaker 2: straight at her while she danced. After the show, they
[17:09] Speaker 2: started talking. And then they started hanging out. And she
[17:13] Speaker 2: had a nickname for you, which was PD or private dancer.
[17:17] Speaker 2: Is that right?
[17:18] Speaker 4: Oh my gosh.
[17:21] Speaker 1: That's so funny. I forgot about that. Yeah. So my
[17:30] Speaker 1: trees would do like private dances for me and asked
[17:35] Speaker 1: me to dance for her. And so that was something
[17:38] Speaker 1: we did. I totally forgot about that.
[17:44] Speaker 2: They had a physical attraction, but there was more to it.
[17:48] Speaker 1: Once we started talking, I think we just had a
[17:51] Speaker 1: lot in common. She was very eager to grow, like mentally, emotionally, spiritually,
[18:00] Speaker 1: for sure.
[18:02] Speaker 2: Matrice was filling up journal after journal, and Hannah, she
[18:07] Speaker 2: was a writer too.
[18:09] Speaker 1: At that time, I was really into writing, poetry, spoken word,
[18:16] Speaker 1: that sort of thing. So it was definitely, we had
[18:19] Speaker 1: a strong mental connection as well.
[18:23] Speaker 2: Maitrese wanted to read every book Hannah mentioned, listen to
[18:27] Speaker 2: every band, dissect every song.
[18:31] Speaker 1: And so when I would share certain artists with her,
[18:34] Speaker 1: or we would literally listen to a song or we
[18:39] Speaker 1: would listen to a poetic artist or something like that
[18:43] Speaker 1: and we could sit and talk about it one song
[18:47] Speaker 1: or one poem for over an hour and just really
[18:52] Speaker 1: dive into it and what do you think about this.
[18:55] Speaker 2: With hannah my tree seemed to feel permission to stop
[18:58] Speaker 2: performing to stop being so perfect she was tuning into
[19:02] Speaker 2: a more soulful frequency one of hannah's tattoos read look
[19:07] Speaker 2: deeper My Trace loved that. She wanted to do that.
[19:14] Speaker 1: I think what was happening is as she was sort
[19:18] Speaker 1: of growing into herself, because she was in her, what, mid-twenties,
[19:24] Speaker 1: I don't think that it was enough substantially for her
[19:30] Speaker 1: to simply define herself as this beauty pageant, this is
[19:34] Speaker 1: what matters type of woman. And although she was very beautiful,
[19:40] Speaker 1: she was beautiful without the pageants. She was beautiful without
[19:44] Speaker 1: all the makeup and she was beautiful beyond physical. And
[19:49] Speaker 1: so I think for her, she was sort of looking
[19:53] Speaker 1: for something she could connect with herself and with others
[20:00] Speaker 1: beyond that physical.
[20:03] Speaker 2: Part of that was she wasn't going to stress so
[20:05] Speaker 2: much over her appearance anymore.
[20:09] Speaker 1: I think Maitrese wanted to see herself how Maitrese wanted
[20:12] Speaker 1: to see herself, not how other people wanted to see her.
[20:14] Speaker 2: She started wearing her hair natural and using less makeup.
[20:18] Speaker 1: I think she was getting tired of kind of straightening
[20:22] Speaker 1: and gelling, and I think she'd been doing that for
[20:26] Speaker 1: so long. So I encouraged her, however you're comfortable, that's
[20:31] Speaker 1: how you should wear your hair.
[20:34] Speaker 2: Hannah was going through her own identity stuff at the time,
[20:37] Speaker 2: figuring out how to reconcile her faith with her sexuality.
[20:42] Speaker 1: I think in this really cool way, we were both...
[20:47] Speaker 1: at a similar place, but in different ways.
[20:52] Speaker 2: From the beginning, though, there was an imbalance.
[20:56] Speaker 1: Mytreese, I mean, she was intense, right? Mytreese felt intensely
[21:02] Speaker 1: about me, and I felt intensely about her, but not
[21:06] Speaker 1: in the same way.
[21:09] Speaker 2: Mytreese's feelings for Hannah went beyond a crush or even
[21:13] Speaker 2: an infatuation.
[21:14] Speaker 1: I think that I just so happened to meet her
[21:22] Speaker 1: at this time pretty close prior to when there was
[21:28] Speaker 1: this mental decline that started happening. And I think that
[21:32] Speaker 1: because I was there and because the feelings were already involved,
[21:37] Speaker 1: I think that she clung to me and the relationship
[21:41] Speaker 1: we had much more than maybe she would have otherwise.
[21:47] Speaker 2: In the summer of 2009, as Mitrice was looking deeper,
[21:51] Speaker 2: she was also undergoing changes she couldn't control. Changes that
[21:56] Speaker 2: didn't make her feel like a more authentic version of herself,
[22:00] Speaker 2: but like a stranger. Reading the journals, it's obvious that
[22:04] Speaker 2: Mitrice was struggling. We thought, at first, that maybe she
[22:09] Speaker 2: and Hannah were doing hard drugs together, and that's what
[22:12] Speaker 2: explained the shift. Hannah says that wasn't it at all.
[22:16] Speaker 2: She didn't use drugs, and Mitrice, to her knowledge, only
[22:19] Speaker 2: smoked pot. Mitrice's behavior, she said, changed inexplicably, and she
[22:25] Speaker 2: remembers the day it happened.
[22:29] Speaker 1: There used to be this restaurant by the apartment I
[22:31] Speaker 1: used to live in, and we went there for brunch.
[22:35] Speaker 1: And we would talk about the Bible a lot, and
[22:37] Speaker 1: we would talk about my beliefs, and she would share
[22:40] Speaker 1: her beliefs, and There was this one particular conversation where
[22:45] Speaker 1: she started saying very odd things about the Bible. They
[22:50] Speaker 1: made no sense to me. I don't know that they
[22:52] Speaker 1: made sense to her, but it seemed like they made
[22:54] Speaker 1: sense to her, which is what scared me. And I
[22:57] Speaker 1: don't remember the specifics, but she would say something like,
[23:01] Speaker 1: if you replace the word God with I or me
[23:07] Speaker 1: or something to that effect, I was genuinely trying to
[23:12] Speaker 1: understand where she was coming from and could not, and
[23:14] Speaker 1: she would not let it go. And that was the
[23:18] Speaker 1: first time I remember sitting in that restaurant looking at
[23:21] Speaker 1: her like, oh shit, something's going on.
[23:27] Speaker 2: Something in my trees was changing. Hannah could see it.
[23:32] Speaker 2: My trees could see it. And both of them knew
[23:35] Speaker 2: that my trees needed help. My trees had always been
[23:55] Speaker 2: worried about her mental health. There was a history of
[23:57] Speaker 2: mental illness on both sides of the family. In a
[24:00] Speaker 2: self-published memoir, her mother, Latice, writes about suffering from, quote,
[24:05] Speaker 2: major depression, rapid cycling bipolar, PTSD, and anxiety. Latice didn't
[24:13] Speaker 2: want to talk to me. Her husband, Larry, said it
[24:15] Speaker 2: is too traumatic for her to talk about Mitrice. In
[24:19] Speaker 2: her journals, Mitrice writes a lot about being concerned for Latice.
[24:25] Speaker 3: I would sell my right arm to know more about
[24:28] Speaker 3: how and why the hell her mind flipped. Ever since
[24:32] Speaker 3: I was little, my thoughts and lack of understanding about
[24:35] Speaker 3: her has ran circles in my mind. I guess I'll
[24:38] Speaker 3: never know, but I wonder if she knows that we
[24:41] Speaker 3: all love her.
[24:43] Speaker 2: This family history, it's the reason Mitrice wanted to go
[24:46] Speaker 2: to grad school for clinical psychology, the reason she wanted
[24:50] Speaker 2: to become a therapist. She wanted to understand mental illness.
[24:55] Speaker 2: She wanted to help people manage it. And she wanted
[24:58] Speaker 2: to spot it if it ever came for her. In
[25:02] Speaker 2: the weeks before her disappearance, Mitrice's journals changed dramatically. She
[25:07] Speaker 2: begins to write about losing her mind, finding her mind,
[25:11] Speaker 2: hoping she gets her mind back. These entries are painful
[25:15] Speaker 2: to read. She sounds desperate for someone to understand her,
[25:20] Speaker 2: desperate for reassurance that she's making sense. But she knows
[25:25] Speaker 2: she isn't.
[25:26] Speaker 3: I is a representative of me. That is important because
[25:30] Speaker 3: if you look with two eyes, you will always see
[25:33] Speaker 3: one eye standing alone, or shall I say one eye.
[25:36] Speaker 3: But if your two eyes have been opened, you will
[25:38] Speaker 3: see that one eye is still two. Myself plus I.
[25:42] Speaker 3: Which I is unknown until I know me.
[25:47] Speaker 2: Her handwriting also changes. No more exclamation points with hearts. Now,
[25:52] Speaker 2: she's digging her pen into the page. Underlining, crossing out, revising, correcting.
[25:59] Speaker 2: As if she's at war with herself. You can still
[26:04] Speaker 2: glimpse the ambitious young woman, but only in flashes. Everything
[26:09] Speaker 2: else is... Arcane references to the king of pop in
[26:13] Speaker 2: the midst of a kaleidoscopic blur.
[26:17] Speaker 3: Michael J. helped me find me because although he never
[26:20] Speaker 3: met my trees, I always knew him because before I
[26:24] Speaker 3: saw him, he touched my soul. I am my trees,
[26:27] Speaker 3: Al Richardson, and I am a big deal. I am
[26:31] Speaker 3: my trees, Al Richardson, and I am a big deal.
[26:34] Speaker 1: P.S.
[26:35] Speaker 3: I love weed. In one, there is three. I, me,
[26:39] Speaker 3: and you. I will never know me, plus you are
[26:42] Speaker 3: the world. Me, my voice is often silenced because, oh
[26:45] Speaker 3: my trees, you're so pretty.
[26:46] Speaker 4: Yes, I know, but.
[26:47] Speaker 3: Oh my trees, oh my trees, your eyes. Yes, I know, but...
[26:51] Speaker 3: Oh my trees, oh my trees, shut the fuck up
[26:54] Speaker 3: and let me speak. But my trees, you're so pretty,
[26:57] Speaker 3: you don't have anything important to say. Thanks, but what
[27:00] Speaker 3: if I do? Your mouth is going to be the
[27:02] Speaker 3: death of you. I isn't big when it's small like me.
[27:05] Speaker 3: I never inspired to be Miss Fullerton. I inspired to
[27:10] Speaker 3: be Miss America. Because I knew me, but you couldn't.
[27:15] Speaker 3: Mommy knew I could. I love her happy faces. They
[27:20] Speaker 3: make me smile. Oh, what is this entry about, LOL?
[27:26] Speaker 3: I must have been high. Mike, Jack, me and I
[27:29] Speaker 3: are split personalities, not me plus you. My mouth is
[27:32] Speaker 3: going to be the death of me? Nope, more like I.
[27:38] Speaker 3: What the fuck is going on? Where's my mind? It's
[27:42] Speaker 3: lost as soon as I found it. I disappeared just
[27:46] Speaker 3: as fast. I feel like on the inside I'm screaming
[27:50] Speaker 3: and kicking, trying to get out of these fucking restraints
[27:52] Speaker 3: holding me down. I'm afraid to say so.
[28:02] Speaker 2: Here's Hannah Parks again.
[28:05] Speaker 1: I think she was scared about what was going on
[28:08] Speaker 1: with her. And I don't know that she knew what
[28:11] Speaker 1: to do, and I think she was looking to me
[28:14] Speaker 1: for some answer that I didn't have.
[28:19] Speaker 2: Her interactions with Mitrice were growing increasingly strange.
[28:23] Speaker 1: We went from having what I would call, like, this really... intellectual,
[28:30] Speaker 1: stimulating conversation to kind of like, what the fuck are
[28:35] Speaker 1: you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.
[28:39] Speaker 1: And that's not normal for you. Like, I'm not understanding.
[28:43] Speaker 1: I was much more gentle because I knew that something
[28:46] Speaker 1: was going on. But now I can say to you,
[28:49] Speaker 1: what the fuck was going on?
[28:52] Speaker 2: Whatever it was, Hannah felt unequipped to deal with it.
[28:57] Speaker 1: But we would sit and talk and I'd be like, dude,
[28:59] Speaker 1: tell me like, like I would be crying because I
[29:02] Speaker 1: could see it happening. Like, tell me what is going on.
[29:08] Speaker 1: We need to get you help. I'm over here writing
[29:15] Speaker 1: poetry and studying theology. I don't know how to help.
[29:20] Speaker 1: So we would pray. We would talk. I encouraged her
[29:26] Speaker 1: to go get help. She was skeptical of people judging her.
[29:30] Speaker 1: She was skeptical of, I think, admitting. I think she
[29:38] Speaker 1: was scared to say she was scared. And she was
[29:42] Speaker 1: just struggling so bad internally.
[29:46] Speaker 2: According to Hannah, Mitrice resisted the idea. of going to
[29:49] Speaker 2: a clinic, getting a diagnosis, and going on medication. Instead,
[29:54] Speaker 2: she started self-medicating, smoking more and more pot.
[29:59] Speaker 1: My personal opinion, there's no factual evidence behind this, but
[30:02] Speaker 1: my personal opinion is that she was trying to cope
[30:07] Speaker 1: with what was going on with her internally. And she
[30:11] Speaker 1: didn't know how. And I think her opinion was, well,
[30:17] Speaker 1: I feel better when I smoke weed. But she didn't.
[30:21] Speaker 1: But I think that's what she was hoping.
[30:25] Speaker 2: Maitrese stopped sleeping and eating regularly. She was supposed to
[30:29] Speaker 2: be living with her great-grandmother, Mildred Harris, in South L.A.,
[30:32] Speaker 2: but she started staying in her car. She'd arrive at
[30:35] Speaker 2: Hannah's place— unshowered and unkempt.
[30:39] Speaker 1: She'd come over another day and be like, Oh, I've
[30:42] Speaker 1: been journaling in my car. But she would tell me
[30:45] Speaker 1: like for days. And I'm like, my trees, you need
[30:49] Speaker 1: to sleep. Like, have you eaten? No, she wasn't eating
[30:52] Speaker 1: a lot. She definitely wasn't sleeping. And I would tell
[30:56] Speaker 1: her like, dude, you cannot just sleep in your car.
[30:59] Speaker 1: It's not safe. You're a single woman by yourself. You
[31:04] Speaker 1: can't just sleep in your car. come to my house.
[31:06] Speaker 1: If you're gonna, if you don't want to go home,
[31:08] Speaker 1: come to my house. Stop sleeping in your car. But
[31:11] Speaker 1: she kept doing it. Do you know where she would park?
[31:13] Speaker 1: I have no idea. I think sometimes she parked outside
[31:16] Speaker 1: of my apartment, like on the, in the street parking.
[31:21] Speaker 2: Matrice had met Hannah sometime in July. Within weeks, it
[31:25] Speaker 2: seemed to Hannah, Matrice was hanging on to her for
[31:28] Speaker 2: dear life, and they were both drowning.
[31:31] Speaker 1: It's like she would say one thing, and then Oh, actually, no,
[31:36] Speaker 1: then say something completely opposite. And then, well, doesn't that
[31:40] Speaker 1: make sense? I'm like, what makes sense to you? I
[31:44] Speaker 1: want to know what makes sense to you. Forget what
[31:46] Speaker 1: makes sense to me because at this point, nothing is
[31:48] Speaker 1: really making sense to me. I genuinely started getting scared.
[31:54] Speaker 1: The fear for me was like, oh, it's so weird
[31:59] Speaker 1: to even say this right now, but like that she
[32:01] Speaker 1: would like disappear. that she would just like disappear and
[32:06] Speaker 1: get lost, which is so crazy.
[32:12] Speaker 2: At the end of August, Hannah made plans to go
[32:14] Speaker 2: to Las Vegas with some friends.
[32:17] Speaker 1: That was the last week in a summer. And I
[32:21] Speaker 1: know that because I was like, well, shit, I'm going
[32:24] Speaker 1: to go out with a bang because I'm not drinking
[32:27] Speaker 1: when I go back to school. So me and three friends,
[32:32] Speaker 1: went to Vegas. It was like for a friend's birthday
[32:35] Speaker 1: and also kind of like end of summer, let's go
[32:38] Speaker 1: party in Vegas and then get back to reality. We
[32:42] Speaker 1: went out there and my trees had asked me like, well,
[32:45] Speaker 1: I told her I was going and she was kind
[32:48] Speaker 1: of like, oh, can I come? And for me, it
[32:51] Speaker 1: was one of those like, like drama free weekends. I'm
[32:54] Speaker 1: just going to hang out with my friends. And my
[32:58] Speaker 1: trees at that point was already kind of like, not
[33:00] Speaker 1: kind of, I mean, that's when she was like, scaring
[33:03] Speaker 1: me like she was in and out of this mental
[33:07] Speaker 1: state and to be honest I didn't want to be
[33:10] Speaker 1: around it I was like I just want to go
[33:13] Speaker 1: have fun and hang out with my friends so we
[33:16] Speaker 1: drove out to Vegas and she was texting me like
[33:20] Speaker 1: where are you staying stuff like that and I didn't
[33:22] Speaker 1: tell her and I was just like I don't know
[33:24] Speaker 1: I'm just hanging out.
[33:27] Speaker 2: My trees wasn't getting the message though In her journal,
[33:30] Speaker 2: she writes that she woke up certain that Hannah actually
[33:34] Speaker 2: did want her to come.
[33:36] Speaker 3: So somewhere around 7 or 8 this morning, I decided
[33:39] Speaker 3: I'm going to Vegas. I love her so much. Now
[33:42] Speaker 3: I want to show her. So 3 a.m., we're going
[33:45] Speaker 3: to ease on down the road to a party.
[33:48] Speaker 2: She was going to drive to Vegas after finishing her
[33:51] Speaker 2: shift go-go dancing at Debra's.
[33:54] Speaker 3: God keep my mind, LOL. I don't know what I'm
[33:57] Speaker 3: going to see down there, but can't wait. Debra's tonight,
[34:00] Speaker 3: Vegas after.
[34:03] Speaker 2: Here's Hannah.
[34:05] Speaker 1: And all of a sudden, I don't even know if
[34:07] Speaker 1: it was day or night, because you know when you're
[34:09] Speaker 1: in a casino, it's like, I don't know. But I
[34:13] Speaker 1: was like sitting at a slot machine or something, and
[34:17] Speaker 1: my trees just like comes walking into the casino. You
[34:21] Speaker 1: have to understand, I was freaked out because how can
[34:25] Speaker 1: you find a singular person in Las Vegas in summertime?
[34:30] Speaker 1: Like it's crowded. There's a ton of casinos. There's so
[34:34] Speaker 1: many places we could be. And in walks my trees.
[34:37] Speaker 1: To this day, I have no idea how she found me.
[34:41] Speaker 1: So she walks in and I'm like, whoa, like what
[34:44] Speaker 1: the hell are you doing here? Like what is going on?
[34:49] Speaker 1: And she's like, I wanted to come hang out with you.
[34:51] Speaker 1: And I got all this alcohol and I'm like, I
[34:55] Speaker 1: don't need alcohol. Like we have, we're in Vegas. Like,
[34:58] Speaker 1: so I walked with her outside and my friends were
[35:00] Speaker 1: looking at me like, dude, what? So I walk out
[35:04] Speaker 1: with my trace and she opens her trunk and it
[35:07] Speaker 1: was like so much vodka, bottles and bottles and bottles
[35:13] Speaker 1: of vodka. Nobody in their right mind could drink that
[35:16] Speaker 1: much like ever in a lifetime. It was so much.
[35:21] Speaker 1: And I was like, dude, what are you doing driving
[35:24] Speaker 1: with all that? that's crazy and she's like well I
[35:27] Speaker 1: know you like vodka and I'm like yeah but that's
[35:32] Speaker 1: a lot so I didn't hang out with her I
[35:36] Speaker 1: was like I gotta go like I don't know why
[35:39] Speaker 1: you came here and there was a part of me
[35:43] Speaker 1: that felt bad but there was another part of me
[35:45] Speaker 1: that was like that was scared I was scared I
[35:49] Speaker 1: don't know how she found me I don't know why
[35:51] Speaker 1: she's here and I already told her I was going
[35:54] Speaker 1: to go with my friends. And then she brought all
[35:56] Speaker 1: this vodka. And the whole time acting like everything she
[36:01] Speaker 1: was doing was completely normal.
[36:04] Speaker 2: Vegas, Hannah says, was a turning point.
[36:07] Speaker 1: She just didn't really ever go back to the normal Mitrice.
[36:12] Speaker 1: And I think for me it was really difficult because
[36:17] Speaker 1: I didn't know her that long. And so all I
[36:21] Speaker 1: had to base it off of was... these few months.
[36:25] Speaker 1: But even to me, it was so obvious that something
[36:28] Speaker 1: changed and something was going on that even she knew,
[36:33] Speaker 1: like even she knew that it was going on and
[36:36] Speaker 1: we would talk about it. I think until it like
[36:40] Speaker 1: really didn't go back, we didn't even talk about it anymore.
[36:44] Speaker 1: It's just like that was the new normal.
[36:47] Speaker 2: Hannah started to pull away.
[36:49] Speaker 1: And it was really, really hard because how can you
[36:54] Speaker 1: be so worried about a person and at the same
[36:57] Speaker 1: time scared yourself to even be around them. I was
[37:03] Speaker 1: in this place of truly not knowing what to do.
[37:08] Speaker 1: And so, not that it was the right decision, but
[37:12] Speaker 1: I just started really distancing myself because I didn't know
[37:16] Speaker 1: what to do.
[37:18] Speaker 2: On September 12th, four days before she was arrested in Malibu,
[37:22] Speaker 2: Mitrice wrote in her journal.
[37:25] Speaker 3: Have you ever woke up in the morning and cried
[37:29] Speaker 3: because you knew too much? Cried because everything finally came
[37:34] Speaker 3: to light? And now you see all the lost people
[37:38] Speaker 3: in the dark?
[37:39] Speaker 1: It hurts.
[37:41] Speaker 3: The true oxymoron of bittersweet. And the suckiest part of
[37:46] Speaker 3: all is being a normal 24-year-old who likes to go
[37:50] Speaker 3: to bed and dream and is now always awake. living
[37:55] Speaker 3: visions that were once only in dreams.
[38:04] Speaker 2: This entry is one of the most crushing. Mitrice had
[38:07] Speaker 2: been a person with big dreams. Now she felt like
[38:11] Speaker 2: she was trapped inside a living vision, and all she
[38:14] Speaker 2: wanted was to wake up. The day after writing it,
[38:18] Speaker 2: she went to see Hannah one last time.
[38:21] Speaker 1: I was at my apartment, and... it was the middle
[38:26] Speaker 1: of the day and my trees came over and she
[38:32] Speaker 1: was like pounding on my door. And she's like, Hannah, Hannah,
[38:37] Speaker 1: open the door. Hannah, I need to talk to you, Hannah.
[38:40] Speaker 1: Cause of course she was texting and calling and I
[38:42] Speaker 1: wasn't responding. And so she's knocking on my door and
[38:49] Speaker 1: I didn't answer. I didn't answer. I don't know what
[38:52] Speaker 1: she wanted. I don't know What was going on? I
[38:57] Speaker 1: know that she really probably needed me in that moment,
[39:02] Speaker 1: and it breaks my heart that I didn't answer the door.
[39:06] Speaker 1: But I didn't, and that was the last time I
[39:08] Speaker 1: saw her. I saw her through the blinds. She didn't
[39:15] Speaker 1: see me, but I saw her.
[39:20] Speaker 3: What did she look like?
[39:22] Speaker 1: Disheveled. It's almost like, see, when you asked before about her,
[39:31] Speaker 1: was her physical appearance deteriorating? And I mean, I guess
[39:38] Speaker 1: during that. time maybe a little bit yeah but for
[39:43] Speaker 1: me it was really after Vegas that it all kind
[39:46] Speaker 1: of started going downhill.
[39:51] Speaker 2: Soon the question of Mitrice's mental health would be at
[39:54] Speaker 2: the center of an investigation into her disappearance and death
[39:59] Speaker 2: It would be the variable that determined so much of
[40:02] Speaker 2: what law enforcement.
[40:03] Speaker 1: Did and what they failed to do. But to Hannah,
[40:07] Speaker 1: there is no question. My trees changed in whole, like
[40:14] Speaker 1: wholly changed. And there was never any question in my
[40:20] Speaker 1: mind that it was something mentally going on. She was
[40:23] Speaker 1: very aware that she was struggling with mental illness. I
[40:30] Speaker 1: saw it. It was obvious. She just wasn't acting like
[40:36] Speaker 1: her normal self. It changed. She changed. Something changed. And
[40:41] Speaker 1: it wasn't from drugs.
[40:44] Speaker 2: On September 16, 2009, Mitrice went to Malibu in the
[40:48] Speaker 2: midst of a severe mental health crisis. And she never
[40:53] Speaker 2: came back. next time on Lost Hills.
[41:09] Speaker 5: I think the only way I will come and get
[41:11] Speaker 5: her tonight is if you guys are going to release
[41:13] Speaker 5: her tonight. She definitely has no place, you know, I mean,
[41:16] Speaker 5: she's not from that area, and I would hate to
[41:19] Speaker 5: wake up to a morning report, so lost somewhere with
[41:22] Speaker 5: her head chopped off, so I guess I would have
[41:24] Speaker 5: to come and get her, oh my God.
[41:27] Speaker 2: That's next in Episode 3, Call for Help. Lost Hills
[41:34] Speaker 2: is written and hosted by me, Dana Goodyear. It was
[41:37] Speaker 2: reported by me and Haley Fox, our senior producer. The
[41:41] Speaker 2: show was created by me and Ben Adair. Lost Hills
[41:45] Speaker 2: is a production of Western Sound and Pushkin Industries. Subscribe
[41:53] Speaker 2: to Pushkin Plus and you can binge the whole season
[41:56] Speaker 2: right now ad-free. Find Pushkin Plus on the Lost Hills
[42:00] Speaker 2: Show page in Apple Podcasts or at pushkin.fm slash plus.

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