# Alain De Botton: Can Radical Honesty Save Your Relationship?: Communication, Trust, and Emotional Safety | Be Well Moments

An episode of [Live Well Be Well with Sarah Ann Macklin | Health, Lifestyle, Nutrition](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1508380100), 13 Mar 2026, 6:57.

Audio: https://anchor.fm/s/1033d1554/podcast/play/116791275/https%3A%2F%2Fd3ctxlq1ktw2nl.cloudfront.net%2Fstaging%2F2026-2-12%2F4be46270-a490-6bf0-f970-7c97446ecca8.mp3

How can couples talk about hard feelings without hurting each other? This clip explores building a therapeutic atmosphere where jealousy, mixed feelings, and the need for space can be shared gently. Here, I’m discussing why self-understanding must come before communication, how “I feel” language respects two realities, and what an examined relationship means beyond formal therapy. We also consider going to bed on an argument, avoiding freeze-outs by returning to the table quickly, and setting WhatsApp rules to avoid aggravating anxious or avoidant attachment. Alain De Button in conversation with Sarah Ann Listen to the full episode here. Watch the full episode on YouTube here. *** This episode is sponsored by: NOWATCH: The compassionate health tracker Connecting body and mind with unique stress recovery insights so you can live fully today15% off with code LWBW15 at https://nowatch.com/ Mojo: the app for expert-led courses in better sex.Learn from world-class sex therapists and relationship experts with courses tailored to your needs.15% off with code LiveWell15 at mymojo.com/livewellbewell *** The Great British Veg OutHow to support your gut, energy, and hormones by eating more — not less. 👉 https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/p/the-great-british-veg-outReset Your HealthIf your body feels off after stress, travel, or burnout — this is where to start. 👉 https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/s/reset-your-health-in-30-days👉 Practical beats perfect.Here’s a free 5-recipe PDF I use to support energy and stress during busy weeks.https://sarahannmacklin.com/5_free_recipes👉 If this resonates, you can join the thousands who readThe Compassionate Cure each week.https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/ *** Let’s be friends! 📷 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sarahannmacklin/📹 Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/@livewellbewellsarah 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/SarahAnnMacklin 📱 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@livewellbewellpodcast💌 Newsletter: https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/

## Transcript

[0:02] This is a beware moment, the most replayed moments from my
[0:05] latest conversation. It's a glimpse into the wider
[0:08] episode, which you can find LinkedIn the show notes below.
[0:12] Because sometimes one small moment is enough to reconnect to
[0:16] living well and being well. What is the advice that you
[0:23] would wants to sell in meal or pass to me?
[0:27] I think you have to have a therapeutic atmosphere within a
[0:29] couple. And what I mean by therapeutic
[0:31] atmosphere is an atmosphere whereby you can safely both of
[0:36] you acknowledge how peculiar and demanding and wobbly and not
[0:43] optimal you both are and that that can be done safely.
[0:46] Someone can go I felt a bit jealous then, or I've been bit
[0:50] secure or I've wanted to push you away.
[0:51] I don't even know why I I love you, but actually I kind of hate
[0:54] you at the moment or whatever it is.
[0:56] These difficult truths can be aired safely.
[0:59] The sexiest thing you can do in a couple is be come as close as
[1:04] possible to the truth in a way that's gentle and kind, even
[1:08] difficult truths that you reconnect around those things.
[1:13] As I say, it could be really difficult material.
[1:14] I, I, I slightly fancy somebody at work and, and I'd love you to
[1:18] know that because I love you. And I don't know what to do with
[1:21] this feeling that that is not disloyalty.
[1:23] That is the beginning of ultra loyalty.
[1:25] That's like, wow, you really trust your partner because
[1:29] you're able to get that kind of message across.
[1:30] So, you know, I really love you, but I kind of want you to be a
[1:35] bit more distant from me because I'm feeling a bit engulfed.
[1:38] Wow. If you can say that to someone
[1:40] and and say it in a way they'll understand with enough love.
[1:43] That's the kind of dialogue that keeps relationships going.
[1:45] So when they say communication, what we really mean is a certain
[1:48] way of communicating at depth around difficult material with
[1:52] love and tenderness. To me also, that has to emulate
[1:56] you understanding yourself to communicate that.
[1:59] Absolutely. If you're a mess who doesn't
[2:01] understand that you're angry or lustful or needing space or
[2:05] needing proximity, etcetera, you can't begin to tell the other
[2:08] person. And I think I want to berate
[2:12] bits of the audience, bits of ourselves, bits of me.
[2:14] You know, people will say something like, well, I was
[2:17] really angry. I just didn't know and I didn't
[2:19] tell you, You want to go, Oh my goodness, that's not a good,
[2:21] that's not a good look. It's like try and get in touch
[2:23] with your feelings. You have to get in touch with
[2:25] your feelings because as you say, if you're not in touch with
[2:27] your feelings, you can't communicate those feelings.
[2:29] And then it's a double mess. I think the biggest mess is in
[2:32] relationships are when someone goes through an experience and
[2:35] they go, Oh, I, I'm so sorry. I couldn't tell you what I was
[2:38] going through because I didn't know.
[2:39] And you think, Oh my goodness, you just, you're acting blind.
[2:42] And I then had to pick up all the pieces.
[2:44] So people can do serious damage by not understanding themselves
[2:49] properly in time do. You think couples therapy is an
[2:53] important part to integrate into a relationship or not?
[2:58] What couples therapy means is really important.
[3:01] There are actual couples therapists who are no good.
[3:03] There are actual couples who probably don't have enough time
[3:06] or enough money, etcetera, etcetera.
[3:08] So let's keep aside the sort of actual couples therapy.
[3:10] This is more what couples therapy symbolizes, which is an
[3:13] examined relationship, a relationship where two sides are
[3:17] quite committed to hearing how the other side feels without
[3:21] quashing it. The worst thing that couples do
[3:24] is to deny each other their reality.
[3:26] So someone will go, you know, you've been angry and it's
[3:30] because of your mother and the other person goes, well, hey, I
[3:33] don't think it's, you know, I, I don't think I'm angry and I
[3:37] don't think it's got anything to do with my mother.
[3:38] And then suddenly you're in a conflict.
[3:40] If someone goes, I feel that you're angry and I feel it might
[3:44] have something to your mother, then we're talking, which is why
[3:46] therapists bang on about saying, I feel always locate your vision
[3:50] of what's happening in the couple in yourself, in your own
[3:52] experience. Do not give a meta analysis.
[3:55] That way the other person can have their own truth.
[3:59] So you go, I feel that you're angry and the other person goes,
[4:02] well, I feel that you are actually depressed or whatever
[4:06] it is. And, and there can be two
[4:07] realities. The number one thing that helps
[4:09] couples is to keep in mind that in one couple, there can be two
[4:14] realities that that just because you see it very strongly this
[4:18] way, it might look different through somebody else's eyes.
[4:20] It's it sounds basic. It's one of the most major
[4:24] pieces of moral education, if you like, where you're able to
[4:27] understand that other people exist and other people have a
[4:31] legitimate viewpoint. So and it's dazzling.
[4:32] You kind of think, hang on what? We were sharing the same
[4:35] apartment. Like I know what's going on.
[4:37] No, no, no, no. Because in somebody else's mind,
[4:39] it looked very different. And to be able to just give to
[4:42] that person a room. How did it feel for you?
[4:44] I've told you how it felt for me.
[4:46] How did that feel for you? Oh, well, for me, I just thought
[4:49] that you were mocking me and the other ones and goes, I hear that
[4:54] you think I was mocking you. The way I felt was I felt you
[4:58] were crushing me. And you think, OK, both things
[5:00] are true. Both things are totally true.
[5:02] And then you make progress and then you Make Love and it
[5:04] becomes really exciting. That's when relationships make
[5:07] progress. I asked a friend the other day
[5:09] who married for 10 years, what's your greatest piece of advice so
[5:13] far into marriage and they said something that quite surprised
[5:17] me. They said actually go to bed on
[5:19] an argument because when you wake up, you're actually
[5:26] disentangled from those emotions and you can think a little bit
[5:29] more clearly. I like counter intuitive advice.
[5:33] So just on that basis, I love that argument.
[5:35] I'm look, maybe I mean, look, what I don't like in arguments
[5:38] is when people say I don't want to talk to you about this, you
[5:41] know, and, and freeze someone out and it could be a night or
[5:44] it could be a day, you know, people who go, I can't address
[5:48] this because I'm too busy. It's get to the table as quickly
[5:53] as possible and start communicating as quickly as
[5:56] possible and communicate with yourself and then communicate
[5:58] with the other person. I think all those methods of
[6:01] prevarication, you know, and look, one of the big nightmares
[6:05] we have to say we talked about phones, WhatsApp, WhatsApp is
[6:07] the cancer of modern relationships where it, it's,
[6:11] it's made to make people feel anxious.
[6:12] You look at your phone, where's the message from the person that
[6:14] I was expecting to hear from or Oh my God, I've received 12
[6:17] messages and now I'm flooded, I'm overwhelmed.
[6:19] So if you're anxiously attached or voidantly attached, that
[6:22] Whatsapp's going to drive you nuts.
[6:23] And so there needs to be early on in any couple conversation.
[6:26] How are we going to handle this medium?
[6:28] Because it's it has the capacity to drive us mad, to aggravate
[6:31] all attachment issues. Thank you for listening to this
[6:36] Be Well moment. If it resonated, the full
[6:38] conversation is LinkedIn, the show notes, and I hope it gave
[6:42] you a small pause to take a moment for you and to reconnect
[6:46] to living well and being well. If you loved it, please do leave
[6:49] a review, follow the show or share this maybe with someone
[6:53] you love.

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