# Alain de Botton: Your Inner Critic Is Borrowed (And Here's How to Give It Back) | Be Well Moments

An episode of [Live Well Be Well with Sarah Ann Macklin | Health, Lifestyle, Nutrition](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1508380100), 20 Mar 2026, 5:48.

Audio: https://anchor.fm/s/1033d1554/podcast/play/116993858/https%3A%2F%2Fd3ctxlq1ktw2nl.cloudfront.net%2Fstaging%2F2026-2-16%2F65a76d93-5ac0-9dab-1a01-2f62fccedb41.mp3

Do you speak to yourself as kindly as you would to a friend? We examine how harsh inner voices are often carried from childhood and how a kinder stance can help when you mess up. This clip explores naming and dismissing that internal critic, the role of the ‘super ego’, the limits of relying on a motivational whip, the creative costs of self-censorship, and why our biology makes criticism stick, even online. Alain De Button in conversation with Sarah Ann Listen to the full episode here. Watch the full episode on YouTube here. *** This episode is sponsored by: NOWATCH: The compassionate health tracker Connecting body and mind with unique stress recovery insights so you can live fully today15% off with code LWBW15 at https://nowatch.com/ Mojo: the app for expert-led courses in better sex.Learn from world-class sex therapists and relationship experts with courses tailored to your needs.15% off with code LiveWell15 at mymojo.com/livewellbewell *** The Great British Veg OutHow to support your gut, energy, and hormones by eating more — not less. 👉 https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/p/the-great-british-veg-outReset Your HealthIf your body feels off after stress, travel, or burnout — this is where to start. 👉 https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/s/reset-your-health-in-30-days👉 Practical beats perfect.Here’s a free 5-recipe PDF I use to support energy and stress during busy weeks.https://sarahannmacklin.com/5_free_recipes👉 If this resonates, you can join the thousands who readThe Compassionate Cure each week.https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/ *** Let’s be friends! 📷 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sarahannmacklin/📹 Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/@livewellbewellsarah 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/SarahAnnMacklin 📱 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@livewellbewellpodcast💌 Newsletter: https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/

## Transcript

[0:02] This is a beware moment, the most replayed moments from my
[0:05] latest conversation. It's a glimpse into the wider
[0:08] episode, which you can find LinkedIn the show notes below.
[0:12] Because sometimes one small moment is enough to reconnect to
[0:16] living well and being well. How important do you think self
[0:24] compassion is for our mental health?
[0:27] Look, I think what we mean by self compassion is an ability to
[0:32] interpret one's own flaws, mistakes, you know, weaker sides
[0:40] with the kind of kindness that we would give to a friend, even
[0:44] frankly, a stranger. And and you know, the always
[0:46] interesting thing is why we cannot be as kind to ourselves
[0:50] as we can to any random stranger.
[0:53] So random stranger, if they said to us, you know, I've made a
[0:55] mistake at work, I've done something wrong.
[0:57] Like we'd go, oh, poor you. We'd immediately go, oh, poor
[0:59] you. That would be very natural to us
[1:02] because you blithering idiot, what are you?
[1:03] You know, we speak to ourselves with the harshest possible
[1:06] voice, which is often an internalised voice.
[1:10] You know, the way we speak to ourselves is largely to do with
[1:14] having incorporated the voice of somebody else who spoke to us
[1:19] normally when we were small. And some of us have had the
[1:21] misfortune to have inner voices that are not very helpful.
[1:25] What are you doing, you silly idiot?
[1:27] Why did you forget your to tie your shoelaces?
[1:29] Don't touch the kitchen cabinet. Get out of my way.
[1:32] I'm, I'm, I'm busy, you silly little nonsense, etcetera.
[1:35] Unfortunately, there are childhoods in which those
[1:37] messages are being drawn in. And then that becomes, you see
[1:41] people who have bad childhoods suffer twice.
[1:44] They suffer in the childhood and then they suffer because the
[1:47] negativity has been incorporated in their own mind.
[1:49] And they then start to be the negative caregiver to
[1:52] themselves. And they take that out into
[1:55] relationships and, and the workplace, etcetera.
[1:57] So that they've got, you know, what Freud called the Super ego
[2:00] that the, the voice inside themselves that is the voice of
[2:05] an unkind person of authority. And sometimes people have good
[2:10] internal voices, but many of us have quite bad ones.
[2:13] So it's really interesting to ask oneself, how do I speak to
[2:16] myself when I mess up? Do I speak kindly to myself or
[2:20] do I hate myself? And whose is that voice?
[2:24] It's not yours. It's a voice you've heard and
[2:27] you've taken it inside yourself. And then you need to say to
[2:29] yourself, do I agree with that voice?
[2:32] And you might need to say it. Do a little bit of a goodbye
[2:34] ceremony and go, thank you voice.
[2:36] I know I've taken you inside me. I don't want this voice.
[2:39] Life's too short. Get out.
[2:42] It's true. I sometimes find it really
[2:44] helpful to name that voice so I don't feel like it's part of me.
[2:46] Yeah. That's right, and it won't be.
[2:48] It'll be the voice of a great aunt, a parent.
[2:50] Usually it's a mother or father, but we don't need to point that
[2:54] make that point too hard. How important is that to
[2:57] recognise though? Because a lot of people will
[2:58] say, well, that voice drives me, it motivates me, it connects me
[3:03] to being a better person in all ways and the way I work and the
[3:07] way I am. Yeah, look, there's a lot of
[3:09] equivocation around the value of a whip.
[3:12] A whip, you know, could be a good thing, gets people going,
[3:14] you know, whip yourself a little bit harder and off you go.
[3:16] And then there's the moment where the whip ceases to be very
[3:18] helpful at all. It's got to be a balance, isn't
[3:22] it? There's got to be motivation and
[3:24] part of motivation has got to be moments of self hatred, self
[3:27] criticism, etcetera. But there are those of us who
[3:31] are suffering from an excess. It's it's become really
[3:34] unhelpful. You know, think of the number of
[3:36] books that don't get written because people are so worried
[3:39] they're going to be bad. Think of the number of
[3:40] businesses that don't get started because people think,
[3:42] oh, that's a silly idea. Think of the a number of
[3:45] initiatives sort of quashed at birth because somebody is ahead
[3:49] of their own more hopeful sides with that critical voice.
[3:52] So, you know, for every person who didn't, you know, bother to
[3:55] get up off bed because, you know, they were just too easy on
[3:57] themselves, there's a million fantastic things that have not
[4:01] happened because people were too critical of their projects and
[4:06] their dreams. How do you advise people to deal
[4:09] with criticism? First of all, don't be too
[4:14] stoked too quickly. It really hurts.
[4:16] Some people go, I can't believe it.
[4:17] You know, I heard somebody saying something bad about me
[4:20] last month, and it's just moving around my brain even now.
[4:23] And I'm just, I'm such an idiot. You want to go?
[4:26] Don't worry. We're built like this.
[4:27] This is very normal. We are acutely sensitive to
[4:31] criticism. There are probably biological
[4:32] reasons for that. The view of the tribe mattered
[4:35] immensely when we lived in a village of 15 people.
[4:37] If one of those people had a very bad opinion about you, you
[4:40] should probably know about it and worry about it.
[4:42] The irony as in so many impulses that we have physiologically
[4:46] almost they, they outgrow their uses.
[4:48] So it was also tremendously useful to eat any sugary thing
[4:51] that came your way, because that way you would preserve your
[4:54] calories. Nowadays, disaster, right?
[4:57] You must not do that thing that you're impulsive.
[4:59] Same thing around gossip and criticism.
[5:01] It doesn't matter if somebody 800,000 miles away, you know,
[5:05] posted something negative on a blog about you, forget it,
[5:08] forget it, It doesn't matter. It's not anything that you need
[5:11] to worry about, but we bring to the the conditions of the modern
[5:15] city and the modern Internet world some of that sensitivity
[5:19] that was essentially honed in the Savannah, and it doesn't
[5:21] belong and it causes problems that are unnecessary.
[5:26] Thank you for listening to the Speedwell moment if it
[5:29] resonated, the full conversation is LinkedIn, the show notes and
[5:32] I hope it gave you a small pause to take a moment for you and to
[5:37] reconnect to living well and being well.
[5:39] If you loved it, please do leave a review, follow the show or
[5:43] share this maybe with someone you love.

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