# The Reason Sex Feels So Hard to Talk About in Relationships (It Is Not You) | Dr. Laurie Mintz

An episode of [Live Well Be Well with Sarah Ann Macklin | Health, Lifestyle, Nutrition](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1508380100), 17 Apr 2026, 6:14.

Audio: https://anchor.fm/s/1033d1554/podcast/play/118430495/https%3A%2F%2Fd3ctxlq1ktw2nl.cloudfront.net%2Fstaging%2F2026-3-14%2F6ebd27b7-5ee8-4128-8f72-989c561fcea6.mp3

Most women were never taught how to talk about sex — not really — and a therapist with over 35 years of couples work makes one thing clear: faulty communication has contributed to every single relationship problem she has ever seen, without exception. In this clip, you will hear the three communication rules that change not just your sex life but the entire emotional architecture of your relationship, including why asking "do you want to have sex?" may be doing more harm than you think. If intimacy has started to feel like another area of your life where you are somehow getting it wrong, this conversation will reframe that completely. Dr Laurie Mintz in conversation with Sarah Ann Listen to the full episode here. Watch the full episode on YouTube here. *** This episode is sponsored by: NOWATCH: The compassionate health tracker Connecting body and mind with unique stress recovery insights so you can live fully today15% off with code LWBW15 at https://nowatch.com/ Mojo: the app for expert-led courses in better sex.Learn from world-class sex therapists and relationship experts with courses tailored to your needs.15% off with code LiveWell15 at mymojo.com/livewellbewell *** The Great British Veg OutHow to support your gut, energy, and hormones by eating more — not less. 👉 https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/p/the-great-british-veg-outReset Your HealthIf your body feels off after stress, travel, or burnout — this is where to start. 👉 https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/s/reset-your-health-in-30-days 👉 Practical beats perfect.Here’s a free 5-recipe PDF I use to support energy and stress during busy weeks.https://sarahannmacklin.com/5_free_recipes 👉 If this resonates, you can join the thousands who readThe Compassionate Cure each week.https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/ *** Let’s be friends! 📷 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sarahannmacklin/ 📹 Subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/@livewellbewellsarah 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/SarahAnnMacklin 📱 TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@livewellbewellpodcast💌 Newsletter: https://sarahmacklin.substack.com/

## Transcript

[0:02] This is a Beware moment, the most replayed moments from my
[0:05] latest conversation. It's a glimpse into the wider
[0:08] episode, which you can find LinkedIn the show notes below.
[0:12] Because sometimes one small moment is enough to reconnect to
[0:16] living well and being well. Maybe I'm speaking for like a
[0:24] lot of people around me that I know, but we never really taught
[0:28] communication styles properly. We're taught so much in school,
[0:32] but like emotional Health, Communication styles, self
[0:35] worth, sex, intimacy, we're just not, we don't speak about it.
[0:41] And so unless you have, I guess parents that are very open in
[0:45] this area. I mean, my mum worked in sexual
[0:48] health, so she was actually quite good at trying to have
[0:51] conversations with me, not to this extent, but she didn't try
[0:55] and make the whole thing a taboo.
[0:58] And I guess she saw so many things in her clinic that, you
[1:01] know, things became quite normalized.
[1:04] But unless we have these conversations, it's really hard
[1:07] to have these conversations when you get into a into a
[1:09] relationship. So how?
[1:11] What advice do you give to couples that come to you to have
[1:15] healthy conversations around sex?
[1:17] Yes, I'm so, first of all, I'm so glad you got that training,
[1:21] you know, and I wish every woman did and it communication is, I
[1:25] have never, ever. I'm going to make a strong
[1:27] statement and then I'll answer your question.
[1:30] I have never, ever, ever worked with a couple in therapy and
[1:34] I've been a therapist for over 35 years now.
[1:38] I have never worked with an individual or a couple for whom
[1:42] bad or faulty communication didn't contribute to their
[1:46] problem and for whom good communication didn't help solve
[1:52] their problem ever. I mean, it's so key and we're
[1:57] not taught it. So what do I tell people?
[2:00] First of all, I say sexual communication is just a subset
[2:04] of general communication. Let's learn the skills of
[2:08] communicating generally. There are some very important
[2:12] skills which I can go over if you want.
[2:15] So we teach those and then let's apply that to the bedroom and
[2:20] make sex a conversation that happens like us at the table.
[2:26] Let's make it one that happens before sex, during sex, after
[2:31] sex. Like make sex as comfortable and
[2:35] clear and everyday part of your communication as what do you
[2:40] want to do for dinner tonight? So how do we like?
[2:44] What are these skills? So for general communication, my
[2:47] top three are don't ask questions that aren't questions.
[2:52] I can't tell you how much things go downhill when people do that,
[2:56] like. Be direct.
[2:58] Yes. Like if you say to me where do
[3:02] you want to go to dinner, Laurie and I say Chinese food and you
[3:08] say I actually want pizza. It's like then I'm sitting here
[3:13] going, well, why didn't she just tell me what she wanted?
[3:16] You know, or I never forget this example, someone I was a couple
[3:21] met in my office and they sat down and she's looked at him and
[3:25] she said, did you get a haircut? Obviously she knew he got a
[3:29] haircut. It comes out as a criticism or
[3:33] unclear. And you know what the most non
[3:35] questioned question of all is? Do you want to have sex?
[3:39] Nobody's just curious. You either mean I do and I hope
[3:42] you do or I don't and I hope you don't too.
[3:45] So stop asking questions that aren't on your stuff.
[3:49] Use I statements. It's kinder.
[3:51] It's kinder to say, hey, Sarah, I want to go to Chinese tonight.
[3:57] You know, it's a kinder. And then communicate about
[4:01] communication. Give a compass to the
[4:04] conversation. You know, like I want to talk to
[4:08] you about something and I'm really scared you're going to
[4:10] get defensive. Please try not to.
[4:12] I'm telling you this because I love you.
[4:15] Or if it starts going downhill in the middle, like hang on,
[4:20] like I don't like the way that we're going here.
[4:22] I want us to get closer, you know, and, and also if you do
[4:27] have a disagreement, fight to get closer, disagree to get
[4:31] closer, not to win or lose an argument.
[4:35] And remember to respect the other person.
[4:37] Find the grain of truth in what they say.
[4:40] So those are the basics, but then communicate at the kitchen
[4:45] table. Just talk about sex before sex.
[4:48] What do you want to do tonight? Are we going to be kinky or
[4:51] vanilla like setting boundaries, talking during sex, faster,
[4:56] slower. No, right there, keep going.
[4:59] I want to get on top, you know, and then communicate after sex.
[5:05] How was that for you? How could it have been better
[5:08] without defensiveness? Learn from it.
[5:11] And you cannot solve sexual problems without communication.
[5:15] And that shouldn't be done in the bedroom.
[5:17] You go to the kitchen table or a walk, talk about it, just it.
[5:21] It's part of your life. And what we know is when couples
[5:25] are sexually satisfied, they're more relationally satisfied.
[5:29] They have more life satisfaction.
[5:31] And when sex is going good, people don't think about it.
[5:34] It doesn't take up a ton of brain space.
[5:37] I mean, it does some, But when sex is going bad, it takes up an
[5:41] enormous amount of brain space. And it's so painful.
[5:45] And the only way to solve sexual problems is to talk about it.
[5:52] Thank you for listening to the Speedwell moment if it
[5:54] resonated, the full conversation is LinkedIn, the show notes and
[5:58] I hope it gave you a small pause to take a moment for you and to
[6:02] reconnect to living well and being well.
[6:05] If you loved it, please do leave a review, follow the show or
[6:08] share this maybe with someone you love.

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