# An Unlikely Affair: Why Am I So Angry?

An episode of [Untraditionally Lala](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1494722390), 12 Jun 2026, 34 min.

Audio: https://podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/e73c998e-6e60-432f-8610-ae210140c5b1/1a27b7ad-70da-4cb7-9ffd-b3470138ba74/0343249e-c5e0-4f46-ac61-b466000e7cfd/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=196ae30c-98ca-4add-a1ed-b3470138ba9f

Ambyr and Lala get real about anger, from triggers and defense mechanisms to their own toxic traits. They share how journaling, gratitude, and slowing down are helping them respond in healthier ways. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:01] Speaker 1: Hi, Amber, Hi Lola, Welcome to an unlikely affair. Hey, babes,
[0:11] Speaker 1: it is La La kent with the human that I
[0:14] Speaker 1: freaking need because she's become my emotional support companion. Hello Amber, Hello.
[0:21] Speaker 2: I was wondering if I was like an emotional support animal, Like,
[0:26] Speaker 2: what's like your inner animal? I wonder what mine would
[0:29] Speaker 2: be Like you have like that toughness and then you
[0:31] Speaker 2: have like that soft like you're like.
[0:34] Speaker 1: Maybe like a German shepherd because they're kind of kind
[0:37] Speaker 1: but can be mean. Right?
[0:39] Speaker 2: Is that me? Or you?
[0:40] Speaker 1: Like we're kind of both.
[0:41] Speaker 2: Like that you won't hurt my feelings.
[0:44] Speaker 1: I guess an emotional support companion could be anything like
[0:47] Speaker 1: a chihuahua, even maybe I'm more Chihuahua.
[0:50] Speaker 2: No that chihuahuas are not emotional. I do not see that.
[0:53] Speaker 2: You're like a koala bear.
[0:55] Speaker 1: Wow. So it can be anything any animal. Yeah, of course,
[0:59] Speaker 1: nothing's off limits. I need to think on yours. We
[1:02] Speaker 1: played this game for the Valley After Show.
[1:05] Speaker 2: Who did?
[1:06] Speaker 1: You had to pick what person was what animal? And
[1:09] Speaker 1: I strictly went based off of looks.
[1:13] Speaker 2: But isn't it crazy when people say you start to
[1:15] Speaker 2: look like your dog, like after a certain amount of time,
[1:17] Speaker 2: and so now I can't unsee certain Like so Jack,
[1:22] Speaker 2: my dog that I had when before he passed away.
[1:25] Speaker 2: He was a white Lab. Do I look like a
[1:27] Speaker 2: white Lab?
[1:27] Speaker 1: You could give me white lab energy, see I could.
[1:32] Speaker 1: My dog was a black Lab Golden Retriever mix who
[1:37] Speaker 1: was so soft, wouldn't hurt a fly.
[1:39] Speaker 2: But Golden Retrievers can be tough dogs.
[1:42] Speaker 1: Right. She was so sweet.
[1:45] Speaker 2: I know. But then you have the pits. You have
[1:47] Speaker 2: the pits in the house.
[1:48] Speaker 1: Yeah, don't fuck around or you will find out. You
[1:52] Speaker 1: will find out. I love that we're on this, uh,
[1:56] Speaker 1: this tangent of what animals would be because I have
[2:02] Speaker 1: a moment we both did of like, I wonder what
[2:04] Speaker 1: the what our audience wants us to talk about? And
[2:06] Speaker 1: we had such great questions come in that I didn't
[2:10] Speaker 1: I didn't want to neglect any of them. But one
[2:14] Speaker 1: of the top questions was anger, which was such an
[2:18] Speaker 1: interesting one to come in during this time of my
[2:22] Speaker 1: life because this person said, I am a la la
[2:25] Speaker 1: type hot head and I need to learn to express better,
[2:28] Speaker 1: like y'all, I'm like, well, when you figured that out,
[2:32] Speaker 1: let me know. So there's ten types of anger styles
[2:36] Speaker 1: assertive uses anger as fuel for positive change, addresses needs
[2:41] Speaker 1: directly without attacking others. Behavioral which is physical aggression, Chronic
[2:47] Speaker 1: which is resentment towards people's circumstances or oneself. Judgmental, righteous
[2:52] Speaker 1: triggered by perceived injustice, feels morally superior, can alienate others. Overwhelmed,
[2:58] Speaker 1: erupts when life out of control, signals that stress has
[3:02] Speaker 1: exceeded coping capacity. Passive aggressive we all know, retaliatory, instinctive revenge.
[3:12] Speaker 1: I like that one self abuse, shame based anger turned
[3:15] Speaker 1: inward as negative self talk. Verbal which is shouting threats, ridicule, volatile,
[3:21] Speaker 1: flares up fast over big and small triggers that fades quickly. Wow.
[3:27] Speaker 2: Wow, there's so much to talk about here.
[3:29] Speaker 1: I think I have a little bit of all of these.
[3:31] Speaker 2: Yeah, you know what I think everybody does.
[3:34] Speaker 1: Not the physical. Do you tend like even when you drink?
[3:40] Speaker 2: No, drink, No, you know what it is?
[3:42] Speaker 1: Is?
[3:43] Speaker 2: For me? A lot of times my anger, Yeah starts
[3:47] Speaker 2: out like you've seen me, very upset, but it is
[3:51] Speaker 2: like rage, and then within a matter of minutes it
[3:54] Speaker 2: turns into just like crying, like instant, like I'll just
[3:57] Speaker 2: start bawling my eyes out where I feel like some
[3:59] Speaker 2: people that and I'm grateful that I have that that
[4:04] Speaker 2: type of anger, because the other end would be you
[4:06] Speaker 2: get so angry that you become you know, violent, or
[4:09] Speaker 2: you throw things or you hit things. I've never experienced that.
[4:13] Speaker 2: I've seen it firsthand in other people. But I'm grateful
[4:18] Speaker 2: that I don't have that anger because it's just not
[4:21] Speaker 2: it's not in me. I'm a cancer. I want love.
[4:24] Speaker 1: I always feel like when the anger comes out of me,
[4:27] Speaker 1: which is also something I need to work on. Let's
[4:31] Speaker 1: just say like in relationships, because like it's different. I
[4:37] Speaker 1: think when you argue with like your family, because I
[4:40] Speaker 1: think you know each other's deepest, darkest wounds, and sometimes
[4:42] Speaker 1: it gets so heated that like you want it hurt,
[4:46] Speaker 1: and luckily you know there's unconditional love there where like
[4:50] Speaker 1: if you can take a beat, I think forgiveness at
[4:52] Speaker 1: least in my family, we can get through it. But
[4:56] Speaker 1: there are times where I can be very passive aggressive,
[5:00] Speaker 1: other times that I'll be engaged in argument that I'm like, Wow,
[5:04] Speaker 1: I'm really proud of myself in this moment because I
[5:06] Speaker 1: feel like this was productive. I explained all of my
[5:09] Speaker 1: needs without attacking. But my biggest thing is I would
[5:14] Speaker 1: like to conquer the art of keeping my head where
[5:18] Speaker 1: my feet are and not having my emotions be contingent
[5:21] Speaker 1: on what the response is from the other person.
[5:24] Speaker 2: And I also think that you have to recognize, like, wow,
[5:27] Speaker 2: I'm really angry right now, because if you don't recognize
[5:30] Speaker 2: whatever that feeling of rage anger is, your body takes
[5:34] Speaker 2: over without it, like you instantly want to start yelling
[5:39] Speaker 2: or getting aggressive with someone. So I think it's like
[5:42] Speaker 2: you have to recognize and that takes years of practice,
[5:47] Speaker 2: like self reflection and then learning to pause, which, by
[5:53] Speaker 2: the way, it's so funny. I was on side note.
[5:56] Speaker 2: I was talking to a boy yesterday, a boy.
[6:00] Speaker 1: Well, what's the what is the age of this boy? Now?
[6:04] Speaker 2: Why why are you going to the age? Why do
[6:06] Speaker 2: you go instantly to the age? Can you just say, like, oh,
[6:08] Speaker 2: I'm head.
[6:08] Speaker 1: You called him a boy?
[6:10] Speaker 2: Okay? A man? Sorry? Oh sorry? A man? I was
[6:13] Speaker 2: the year?
[6:13] Speaker 1: Are we like in our thirties? What's happening?
[6:17] Speaker 2: He's a man?
[6:18] Speaker 1: Does he act like a man?
[6:19] Speaker 2: I don't know. I've never I've never interacted with this
[6:23] Speaker 2: person besides the telephone, and I and I stopped talking
[6:26] Speaker 2: for a second because I felt like I got like
[6:29] Speaker 2: a little triggered or I was going to say something
[6:31] Speaker 2: with maybe a little bit of spice or attitude, and
[6:33] Speaker 2: he's like hello, Hello, You're.
[6:37] Speaker 1: Like, hold on, I'm pausing.
[6:38] Speaker 2: No, no joke. He's like. I was like, no, no, no,
[6:41] Speaker 2: I'm here. He's like, oh, I thought you hung up.
[6:43] Speaker 2: I said no, no, no, I was actually just taking a
[6:45] Speaker 2: pause before I actually spoke because I had to like
[6:47] Speaker 2: digest something really fast. And he's like okay, And I
[6:51] Speaker 2: was so proud of my moment, not only proud of
[6:54] Speaker 2: myself that I was able to like do that on
[6:56] Speaker 2: the phone and then actually expressed that I I was
[7:00] Speaker 2: like tell him what I was doing, which maybe he
[7:02] Speaker 2: didn't need to know that, but.
[7:03] Speaker 1: Can I ask you what trigger do you? Or? No?
[7:06] Speaker 2: I actually actually don't even remember what it was. It was.
[7:09] Speaker 2: It was something to do with cheating. Actually, it was
[7:14] Speaker 2: something to do with cheating. Here's the thing. When I
[7:16] Speaker 2: see you get upset and I don't know what happens
[7:19] Speaker 2: on the television shows or The Valley or vander Pump,
[7:22] Speaker 2: I've only seen like a handful of clips. That's it.
[7:26] Speaker 2: You have a good fucking reason to get pissed off,
[7:28] Speaker 2: and sometimes like myself, I think, like the first one,
[7:31] Speaker 2: what did it say, it's like useful anger as fuel
[7:34] Speaker 2: for positive change. Yeah, one hundred percent. When I'm being
[7:38] Speaker 2: lazy about, say, going to the gym and exercising, and
[7:42] Speaker 2: I'm having a hard time with either my mental health
[7:45] Speaker 2: or my add is all over the place, sometimes I
[7:48] Speaker 2: have to talk shit to myself. And maybe psychologists would say, oh,
[7:52] Speaker 2: that's not nice. You have to be gentle with yourself.
[7:53] Speaker 2: But I sometimes need to say, you are acting like
[7:57] Speaker 2: a piece of shit, you are not treating yourself right,
[8:00] Speaker 2: or you fat ass go to the gym and you
[8:03] Speaker 2: will feel better. Stop like looping in your head about
[8:06] Speaker 2: you don't feel good, but you know the solution, but
[8:09] Speaker 2: you don't want to have You don't want to actually
[8:11] Speaker 2: step forward and make the first step to relieve whatever
[8:14] Speaker 2: you're feeling. So sometimes, yeah, sometimes I for me, I've learned,
[8:19] Speaker 2: I get to a place where I have to talk
[8:21] Speaker 2: shit to myself.
[8:22] Speaker 1: I have been there. I was there last night in
[8:24] Speaker 1: the middle of the night, I was thinking about my
[8:27] Speaker 1: day yesterday. That was just mental breakdown. It was a
[8:31] Speaker 1: mental breakdown. I don't know how else to put it
[8:34] Speaker 1: between having to deal with hughhose name we shall not mention,
[8:38] Speaker 1: and then you know, concerned about my mom and if
[8:43] Speaker 1: this is the new norm because you know she's really
[8:45] Speaker 1: struggling right now after the hip surgery.
[8:47] Speaker 2: Well I knew she was struggling, but it's a lot.
[8:50] Speaker 1: I had a mental breakdown and last night I was
[8:54] Speaker 1: I just like woke up in the middle of the
[8:56] Speaker 1: night like you and I do at times, in full panic,
[8:59] Speaker 1: and I'm like, we're gonna get through this. Like how
[9:02] Speaker 1: dare you look at your life and think, oh my god,
[9:08] Speaker 1: life is just so hard right now, and like put
[9:11] Speaker 1: yourself into victim mode when there are people who are
[9:14] Speaker 1: fighting for their lives, who are getting diagnosed with life
[9:19] Speaker 1: altering diseases every single day, people who have lost their homes,
[9:23] Speaker 1: their homes have burned Like I went down the rabbit
[9:26] Speaker 1: hole of like people's homes have burned down and they've
[9:28] Speaker 1: lost everything. Like you wouldn't be tough enough to handle
[9:32] Speaker 1: that shit, you weak bitch.
[9:36] Speaker 2: Yeah, but I think you have to let you regardless
[9:40] Speaker 2: of someone else might be having a harder time in
[9:42] Speaker 2: their life circumstances, maybe at a ten when yours is
[9:45] Speaker 2: at a three. But the feelings are still the same
[9:47] Speaker 2: of like, oh my god, life is fucking overwhelming. I
[9:50] Speaker 2: think by dismissing the feelings and telling yourself that like
[9:55] Speaker 2: so and so down the street just got diagnosed with cancer,
[9:58] Speaker 2: so and so has breast cancer and she has three
[10:00] Speaker 2: little kids, like whatever it is, I think you have
[10:02] Speaker 2: to give yourself at a little bit of permission just
[10:05] Speaker 2: to be like, Okay, life fucking sucks right now, but
[10:08] Speaker 2: we're going to get through it. I could do hard
[10:10] Speaker 2: things and it's going to go away. It's just this
[10:12] Speaker 2: moment is just sucks. It sucks.
[10:14] Speaker 1: I think it goes back to also practicing gratitude, right
[10:19] Speaker 1: because when I feel that I'm in this stage of life,
[10:22] Speaker 1: which again doesn't happen often, but sometimes I feel like
[10:27] Speaker 1: I've been hit by a tsunami where you look around
[10:30] Speaker 1: and you're like, why do I feel like I'm drowning
[10:32] Speaker 1: and there's no way out of this. And then I
[10:34] Speaker 1: get hit with the group chat that I'm in, which
[10:37] Speaker 1: is a group of sober women who talk about what
[10:40] Speaker 1: they're grateful for that day, and it forces you to
[10:44] Speaker 1: pause and rummage through the shit to get to the
[10:48] Speaker 1: good stuff. And even if it's something super small, like
[10:53] Speaker 1: I got to swim with my kids today, Like we
[10:57] Speaker 1: should focus on those things because sometimes that's the lifeline,
[11:01] Speaker 1: right And when I get into these stages, I go
[11:05] Speaker 1: from extreme anger or I lash out to just like
[11:11] Speaker 1: becoming a puddle.
[11:13] Speaker 2: It's not healthy.
[11:14] Speaker 1: It's very, very, very toxic.
[11:16] Speaker 2: So I've been doing this journaling exercise along with reading.
[11:21] Speaker 2: The book is called Make Miracles in Forty Days by
[11:24] Speaker 2: Melody Beauty I think is her.
[11:25] Speaker 1: Last night, you told me that you were reading this book.
[11:28] Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm reading the book and doing the exercise at
[11:30] Speaker 2: the same time. And what she talks about is you
[11:34] Speaker 2: don't sometimes you wake up like I did the other
[11:36] Speaker 2: day and when I count you and you're like shopping
[11:38] Speaker 2: and I'm like bawling here in Montana. I just woke
[11:41] Speaker 2: up really frustrated and angry. And then I was I
[11:44] Speaker 2: was like, how do you just wake up like this?
[11:47] Speaker 2: In the book you're supposed to actually write out. I
[11:51] Speaker 2: am grateful that I am feeling anxious today because whatever
[11:56] Speaker 2: it is, my kids are having a really hard time
[12:01] Speaker 2: with their group of friends, or I'm really angry and frustrated.
[12:04] Speaker 2: I'm grateful with that I'm feeling in like I have
[12:08] Speaker 2: self pity because I long for a romantic partner, like
[12:12] Speaker 2: whatever it is. So you're supposed to be grateful for
[12:15] Speaker 2: even the feelings that are not good, right, feeling anxious,
[12:19] Speaker 2: self pity, stress, rage, And then sometimes I get this
[12:24] Speaker 2: pin and I rage. Journal and it is the most
[12:28] Speaker 2: relief in the world. And by the way, like you
[12:33] Speaker 2: as you're journaling, the things that come out sometimes because
[12:39] Speaker 2: you're not supposed to stop, like and you're not supposed
[12:41] Speaker 2: to about like, you're not supposed to think about what
[12:43] Speaker 2: you're writing. You're just supposed to write. And what actually
[12:45] Speaker 2: comes out sometimes on paper is like, Oh, that's what's
[12:48] Speaker 2: really bothering me. It's really cool. I'm actually really enjoying
[12:52] Speaker 2: this exercise. But it's called make Miracles in forty days.
[12:55] Speaker 2: So I'm on day like, I have thirty five days left.
[12:58] Speaker 2: Let's see what happens. Let's see what fucking miracle I
[13:00] Speaker 2: can make. Callelujah.
[13:01] Speaker 1: You know what, sometimes the miracle is just you feeling
[13:04] Speaker 1: like you've got you've got life for a moment, you know.
[13:08] Speaker 1: I think we're all waiting for the big, the big
[13:12] Speaker 1: thing to happen, some great, some great big thing that's
[13:17] Speaker 1: tangible and sometimes it's like, no, the great thing that
[13:21] Speaker 1: just happened was you became a little bit of a
[13:23] Speaker 1: better person. Yeah, managed life a little bit better. And
[13:27] Speaker 1: we don't we don't measure success in that way. We
[13:31] Speaker 1: measure success on our accomplishments, how much money it brought in.
[13:36] Speaker 1: I don't know if that's just our society here in America,
[13:40] Speaker 1: but it's exhausting. I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel.
[13:43] Speaker 1: And the thing is I enjoy I enjoy working, I
[13:46] Speaker 1: enjoy providing, but I also there are times where I'm like,
[13:52] Speaker 1: this is just not there's something internal that that we're lacking.
[13:58] Speaker 1: And it really did. I feel like it happened after
[14:01] Speaker 1: that guy where it threw me for a loop. I
[14:06] Speaker 1: experienced a feeling. Keep in mind, it was nothing more
[14:09] Speaker 1: than a feeling that I had said for so long
[14:13] Speaker 1: I didn't want or need, because how can you want
[14:16] Speaker 1: or need something that you don't even know what it is? Right,
[14:19] Speaker 1: and then you experience it. It then goes away and
[14:22] Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, I like that feeling. I
[14:26] Speaker 1: want that, but it doesn't just like it doesn't just
[14:30] Speaker 1: come to you like it's it has to be everything
[14:35] Speaker 1: has to be working right, the communication, the what is it?
[14:41] Speaker 1: The pheromones have to be just fucking a start.
[14:46] Speaker 2: The pheromones. I didn't even know that was like a
[14:49] Speaker 2: real I think as I've gotten older, that is a
[14:52] Speaker 2: real thing. Like I know it is probably when you're
[14:55] Speaker 2: younger and you subconsciously don't know. But no, you know,
[14:58] Speaker 2: I have to say, like, when hearing you say all
[15:00] Speaker 2: this stuff, it makes me realize that moving to Montana
[15:05] Speaker 2: has changed my perspective. So I think you should consider
[15:09] Speaker 2: getting a house out here.
[15:11] Speaker 1: Well, I got to make some money because I've been
[15:14] Speaker 1: looking at mountain houses and I'm like, and I want
[15:16] Speaker 1: to be on a lake, and I'm like, I can
[15:18] Speaker 1: get one for just a cool six mil that I
[15:21] Speaker 1: would want.
[15:22] Speaker 2: Yes, let's let's find a cool lake house. Listen, I'm down.
[15:27] Speaker 2: We might be we might be doing it together. I
[15:30] Speaker 2: wouldn't be mad at that. But seriously, moving to Montana
[15:33] Speaker 2: has definitely changed my perspective in slowing down and I
[15:36] Speaker 2: think places like you know, the big cities within the
[15:42] Speaker 2: United States, it kind of just like you feel disoriented
[15:47] Speaker 2: and sometimes you can get caught up and literally coming
[15:49] Speaker 2: back to nature. Our friend Emma's here right now, and
[15:52] Speaker 2: she's like you and Lala need to go to Yellowstone together.
[15:57] Speaker 2: You guys need to do a vacation with the kids
[15:59] Speaker 2: for week. And I was like, oh my god, that
[16:01] Speaker 2: is a great idea. We should just go find a cabin.
[16:04] Speaker 2: We shouldn't Yellowstone take the kids. It's like, right now
[16:07] Speaker 2: is the perfect time before it gets like absolutely insane,
[16:10] Speaker 2: like you know midsummer where there's like four million people
[16:13] Speaker 2: going through Yellowstone and let the kids see like moose
[16:16] Speaker 2: and bears and baby cubs and the eagles, and oh,
[16:20] Speaker 2: I want to do that. That would fir.
[16:21] Speaker 1: We are going to do that because that would be
[16:23] Speaker 1: good for my soul. And you don't sound like a
[16:24] Speaker 1: tree hugger. I quite literally turn into a tree hugger,
[16:28] Speaker 1: especially when I'm pregnant with Ocean. I went on this
[16:32] Speaker 1: hike and I think I was I think I was
[16:34] Speaker 1: six weeks pregnant with her in Utah and I found
[16:37] Speaker 1: this tree that just spoke to me and I just
[16:39] Speaker 1: sat and hugged it and my mom took a photo.
[16:41] Speaker 1: So this last time that I was pregnant with Sosa,
[16:44] Speaker 1: we were in Joshua Tree and I found a Joshua
[16:49] Speaker 1: tree that spoke to me, and I hugged.
[16:51] Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
[16:53] Speaker 1: Just to get centered and just to you know, like
[16:55] Speaker 1: feel grounded during creating a life.
[17:00] Speaker 2: This is so crazy. I have to find this photo.
[17:04] Speaker 1: Shut the fuck up.
[17:04] Speaker 2: Do you do the same thing me hugging a tree?
[17:07] Speaker 2: Wait a second, like two months ago. I have to
[17:10] Speaker 2: find this photo and we'll pop it in and we'll
[17:13] Speaker 2: post it on the social I don't know, this is
[17:16] Speaker 2: the craziest story. I'm hiking and it was this is
[17:21] Speaker 2: where the scar came from, where it was really bad
[17:23] Speaker 2: and I was slipping, and I felt like two times
[17:25] Speaker 2: I saw this tree and I don't know what it was.
[17:28] Speaker 2: I was like, I want to hug that tree. Now
[17:30] Speaker 2: I'm in the mountains in Montana. I could have picked
[17:33] Speaker 2: any tree. I went and hugged this tree and this
[17:36] Speaker 2: guy that I was hiking with, And by the way,
[17:39] Speaker 2: let's pause for a second. When you hug a tree,
[17:42] Speaker 2: there's something energetically that's like, wow, this is like rooted
[17:47] Speaker 2: in mother nature. I don't know if you had that
[17:50] Speaker 2: similar feeling, but it was. It was so powerful. So
[17:54] Speaker 2: he took a picture. He turned around and he took
[17:56] Speaker 2: a picture on the other side of the tree, right
[18:00] Speaker 2: where my hands and I have the photo someone carved
[18:03] Speaker 2: a big cross and I didn't see it because I
[18:06] Speaker 2: was coming from behind the tree.
[18:07] Speaker 1: Yeah it is.
[18:08] Speaker 2: It was such a cool photo and I was like,
[18:10] Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I had to show you that photo.
[18:11] Speaker 2: So when you said that, I was like, yeah, it's
[18:14] Speaker 2: it's it's amazing. So you need to get your ass
[18:16] Speaker 2: out here, Yeah, I.
[18:17] Speaker 1: Do, because you can't find a tree that's worth hugging
[18:21] Speaker 1: in Los Angeles. They're all fucking planted there.
[18:24] Speaker 2: And pissed on, probably probably peed on.
[18:28] Speaker 1: It's like, you know, I know, you go to places
[18:31] Speaker 1: like Montana, Utah. You're finding You're finding trees that have
[18:35] Speaker 1: seen some shit.
[18:37] Speaker 2: Oh one hundred percent. You know.
[18:39] Speaker 1: I got it.
[18:39] Speaker 2: I cannot wait to show you this photo.
[18:41] Speaker 1: No, you have to find it. I will. You have
[18:43] Speaker 1: to find it and send it into the pond. But yeah,
[18:46] Speaker 1: my here's the other thing with my anger. My anger
[18:50] Speaker 1: is used as a defense mechanism for two things. Two things,
[18:56] Speaker 1: and this is my toxic trade, one of many. I'm
[18:59] Speaker 1: not too proud to understand that my toxic traits are
[19:03] Speaker 1: alive and well, and it is very fucking hard to
[19:06] Speaker 1: break them when I get angry. If I really, really
[19:10] Speaker 1: fuck with you. I've got to be really engaged, right,
[19:14] Speaker 1: my I could go down the list of all ten
[19:16] Speaker 1: of these because I'm going to hit every stop to
[19:20] Speaker 1: get you to engage. H Do you think that's about
[19:25] Speaker 1: being being heard?
[19:26] Speaker 2: Like hearing? Do you feel like when you get really
[19:30] Speaker 2: angry and you start to see red, it's because the
[19:34] Speaker 2: other person is not hearing you, like truly hearing what
[19:38] Speaker 2: you're saying, seeing your perspective in the situation that's at play.
[19:42] Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel unheard, I feel unseen, I feel gaslt.
[19:47] Speaker 1: That's when I tap into you know, maybe if my
[19:51] Speaker 1: response is different, I'll get a different response from them
[19:54] Speaker 1: what I want. And that's the part of me that
[19:56] Speaker 1: wants to control something, right, I want to control it.
[20:00] Speaker 1: The biggest part of the anger is that I'm trying
[20:03] Speaker 1: to put up a defense mechanism so that you see
[20:09] Speaker 1: me as angry because I'd rather see you I'd rather
[20:12] Speaker 1: you see me as angry than see me hurt, because
[20:15] Speaker 1: if I show you I'm hurt now, you may as
[20:18] Speaker 1: well be seeing me fully naked, sobbing in the fetal position,
[20:23] Speaker 1: most vulnerable place I'll ever be in.
[20:25] Speaker 2: Do you see vulnerability as a weakness?
[20:28] Speaker 1: No, like when I look at other people, Like when
[20:31] Speaker 1: I see someone get angry, I'm like, they're hurt. I
[20:33] Speaker 1: wish that they would just say that they're hurt. We
[20:36] Speaker 1: could have a productive conversation. But when it comes to me,
[20:39] Speaker 1: I'm like, you won't let me see. I'm not going
[20:41] Speaker 1: to let you see that side of me because then
[20:44] Speaker 1: you're gonna think I'm weak. And I know how people
[20:47] Speaker 1: treat weak people. So now I've got to put ten
[20:50] Speaker 1: toes down and I've got to fuck you up, and
[20:52] Speaker 1: I need to leave you very wounded, so you know
[20:54] Speaker 1: who the fucking boss is. And then the guilt kicks
[20:57] Speaker 1: in and it's like that was all driven by ego.
[21:01] Speaker 1: See the alcoholic in me is still alive, and well,
[21:04] Speaker 1: of course you just took this. Yeah, there are days
[21:08] Speaker 1: I'm driven by my ego the whole fucking day. And
[21:13] Speaker 1: then you have to go into the grief of it all.
[21:15] Speaker 1: M hmm, and then you do a tenth step when
[21:17] Speaker 1: you go to sleep.
[21:20] Speaker 2: I'm telling you what, amber you know what, You're fine.
[21:26] Speaker 2: I'm fine. Anyone out there experiencing grief or anger, sometimes
[21:32] Speaker 2: you it's okay to get fucking pissed.
[21:34] Speaker 1: They're one and the same too.
[21:36] Speaker 2: It's like, yes, I feel guilty sometimes for getting angry
[21:41] Speaker 2: at people who really deserve to have a freakin' I
[21:46] Speaker 2: was gonna go violent there for a second, but I paused.
[21:48] Speaker 2: Do you see that pause? You're like you need a
[21:53] Speaker 2: bat to your head because you're clearly not hearing me.
[21:57] Speaker 2: And I feel disrespected, And when I get to respected,
[22:01] Speaker 2: I'm pissed.
[22:02] Speaker 1: Those moments, I'm right there with you. Yeah, there are
[22:07] Speaker 1: times where I have gone fucking toes and I'm like,
[22:10] Speaker 1: you deserved it, you did this. I don't feel guilty
[22:12] Speaker 1: about it. I don't feel shame. I'm going to sleep
[22:14] Speaker 1: great tonight because I stand on every single word that
[22:17] Speaker 1: I said. I feel like those people don't have my
[22:20] Speaker 1: heart locked in. When my heart is locked in, it
[22:22] Speaker 1: is a different fucking ballgame. Yeah, i don't know where
[22:26] Speaker 1: I am, what I'm doing. I'm just looking for the life.
[22:29] Speaker 2: Raft do you feel that being on reality television, Like
[22:44] Speaker 2: in order to make good reality television, you have to
[22:47] Speaker 2: be like hot headed.
[22:48] Speaker 1: At the beginning of filming, Like when I first started,
[22:52] Speaker 1: I think maybe I was clocked into that where it
[22:55] Speaker 1: was like there's a job to be done. Now I
[22:57] Speaker 1: don't really notice the cameras. For me, what I love
[23:02] Speaker 1: about it is there's no picking your battles, right, Like,
[23:07] Speaker 1: if someone says something that you don't like, Normally, i'd
[23:11] Speaker 1: be like, I'm just gonna let this one. I'm gonna
[23:14] Speaker 1: let this one go. When someone does something where I'm like,
[23:18] Speaker 1: this is just completely wrong and I have to step in,
[23:20] Speaker 1: and I don't even think about, you know, cameras or
[23:24] Speaker 1: anything else that's going on. But when filming, I feel
[23:28] Speaker 1: like I'm very much especially filming the show that I'm
[23:32] Speaker 1: currently on, it feels like I'm more myself, if that
[23:36] Speaker 1: makes sense, because for the first time in filming, you know,
[23:39] Speaker 1: the first however many years of vander Pump, it was
[23:43] Speaker 1: I was new to la now on a reality show.
[23:47] Speaker 1: Then I met our ex that I had to hide
[23:50] Speaker 1: and that was very chaotic. And then finally I was
[23:53] Speaker 1: like in a relationship that I could talk about, and
[23:58] Speaker 1: it was strange because then I was sober. At this
[24:00] Speaker 1: point in time, there was a lot of trying to
[24:02] Speaker 1: find myself and then voice too.
[24:06] Speaker 2: Do you think I would be good at reality or
[24:08] Speaker 2: do you think I would just be crying all the time,
[24:10] Speaker 2: because if you know that my anger, like I get
[24:12] Speaker 2: angry and then it cries like I would be. I
[24:14] Speaker 2: should be just back on another soap opera, just crying
[24:16] Speaker 2: all the time.
[24:17] Speaker 1: I think that you would not enjoy it, And I
[24:20] Speaker 1: know how you get when you don't enjoy something, you
[24:22] Speaker 1: shut down.
[24:24] Speaker 2: You know me, so, well, yeah.
[24:26] Speaker 1: You would not enjoy it in the least, in the least.
[24:31] Speaker 1: I think you would hate it. Really, at least the
[24:35] Speaker 1: shows I've been on, I think you would be. You
[24:37] Speaker 1: would not come out of your room, which is fine,
[24:40] Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, I always say,
[24:43] Speaker 1: doing certain reality TV shows, you're making a deal with
[24:46] Speaker 1: the devil, and they're they're fun to make, but there
[24:50] Speaker 1: is a level of separating reality from reality. Because this
[24:55] Speaker 1: world will eat you alive. You have to be able
[24:58] Speaker 1: to turn it off, like I when I go and film.
[25:02] Speaker 1: In order for me to come home and live a happy,
[25:04] Speaker 1: healthy life, I got to shut it off and say
[25:07] Speaker 1: that's that's that life. This is my other real life.
[25:11] Speaker 2: Now this is reality.
[25:13] Speaker 1: Yeah, and the two cannot coexist. But this is the
[25:16] Speaker 1: first year I filmed where I've learned a lot. I
[25:19] Speaker 1: had three years to really focus on myself. I have
[25:23] Speaker 1: roots of my own, you know. I bought a house
[25:26] Speaker 1: that's just mine. I have two kids, one that I
[25:30] Speaker 1: you know, really chose to have being a single mom. Like,
[25:34] Speaker 1: it's on my terms. So filming this year, you know,
[25:38] Speaker 1: I did clock things where I was like, I'm going
[25:40] Speaker 1: to give it a pause. I'm going to give it
[25:42] Speaker 1: a beat. People would say things and it's like, I'm
[25:45] Speaker 1: not going to react right now because I could be
[25:47] Speaker 1: taking it out of context. They keep coming for me,
[25:50] Speaker 1: then I may have to then then we'll cross that
[25:53] Speaker 1: bridge when we get to it. But again, those relationships
[25:58] Speaker 1: are so different than and your relationship with your family,
[26:02] Speaker 1: your intimate partner. Like, I'm still learning how to how
[26:07] Speaker 1: to manage different relationships in my life, and I'm a sabotager.
[26:14] Speaker 1: I just recently learned that about myself.
[26:16] Speaker 2: Well, why what happened? Can you share? What do you mean?
[26:20] Speaker 2: Did you recently sabotage something that I'm not aware of? No?
[26:24] Speaker 1: I think that. Well, even yesterday I had to blow
[26:28] Speaker 1: up with my family and my goal was to fucking
[26:30] Speaker 1: sabotage myself everyone's day. It was like today my mission
[26:36] Speaker 1: is to fuck it all up. I had my mental breakdown.
[26:39] Speaker 1: I had a mental fucking breakdown.
[26:42] Speaker 2: Do you feel better today.
[26:43] Speaker 1: I felt great last night. I was cackling with Easton
[26:46] Speaker 1: last night, like, sometimes those breaking points are good because
[26:50] Speaker 1: it's been a build up. Mmm, but I would like
[26:54] Speaker 1: to be able to walk away. And when my family
[26:58] Speaker 1: was walking away, I felt a band in to buy them.
[27:01] Speaker 2: I don't know if walking away that's just being avoidant.
[27:05] Speaker 2: I'm not that that's for sure, No, but that's why
[27:07] Speaker 2: you're gonna That's what's so beautiful about you. You're going
[27:09] Speaker 2: to take things on head on. And maybe it's not
[27:14] Speaker 2: you're not showing up with your best foot forward, or
[27:17] Speaker 2: you're just so fueled by like anger or rage or sadness,
[27:21] Speaker 2: whatever it is, like, but you're you're willing to confront
[27:24] Speaker 2: hard things in life. And that is a beautiful trait
[27:27] Speaker 2: to have. And don't lose sight of that, because you're
[27:30] Speaker 2: going to teach your girls not to be passive aggressive
[27:34] Speaker 2: and to say like, Okay, yes we can get into
[27:38] Speaker 2: a fight, but we could also recover quickly, and that
[27:42] Speaker 2: that recovery is also like saying, hey, like, I know
[27:44] Speaker 2: that was probably a little aggressive, but you know or whatever.
[27:48] Speaker 2: I came out that with a major attitude and I
[27:51] Speaker 2: was hot headed, like I'm really sorry, But it doesn't
[27:54] Speaker 2: take back what you said. It didn't doesn't take back
[27:56] Speaker 2: what the message was, Like, I don't fucking like when
[28:00] Speaker 2: you don't pick up your clothes in your bedroom, Like,
[28:03] Speaker 2: this is our castle, this is our castle, let's keep
[28:06] Speaker 2: it clean.
[28:07] Speaker 1: Right, that's a whole other shit. Don't even get me
[28:10] Speaker 1: started right now that we bring the kids into play. Yeah,
[28:13] Speaker 1: I will say you and I were talking about being
[28:18] Speaker 1: in relationships with men, and I have learned that.
[28:24] Speaker 2: There are certain I have. I feel like there is.
[28:30] Speaker 1: Such thing as doing too much work on yourself where
[28:34] Speaker 1: you're so self involved and trying to make changes that
[28:39] Speaker 1: it becomes like someone's drowning you and keeping you underwater.
[28:44] Speaker 1: There are things about myself where I go you know
[28:46] Speaker 1: what that needs to change. But there are times, and
[28:48] Speaker 1: I think I've hit this time where I'm like, we
[28:51] Speaker 1: need an overhaul, we need to change who we are.
[28:53] Speaker 1: And it's like, no, that's not the answer. What needs
[28:55] Speaker 1: to happen is you need to welcome someone into your
[28:57] Speaker 1: life who can meet you where you are and you
[29:00] Speaker 1: can meet them where they are. Yeah, And I was like,
[29:03] Speaker 1: I'm going to need someone who who my spiral you
[29:07] Speaker 1: find fucking endearing. They're gonna be like that's so hot exactly, Like, oh,
[29:13] Speaker 1: it's like a fun little ride.
[29:14] Speaker 2: That means come grab my ass, babe.
[29:16] Speaker 1: When I tell you leave me alone today, I don't
[29:19] Speaker 1: want to talk to you, that's your cue to fucking engage. Engage. Okay,
[29:27] Speaker 1: opposite day, when I'm spiraling, I can't be the only one?
[29:32] Speaker 2: Well does that count with my relationship with you? Not
[29:35] Speaker 2: that we've ever had, but in the future if you're like,
[29:37] Speaker 2: you know all the sexual relationships, Oh, got it, this
[29:40] Speaker 2: is only romantic.
[29:43] Speaker 1: Relationships, got it. I am actually very fucking proud of
[29:48] Speaker 1: myself in friendships right now, because when someone does something
[29:53] Speaker 1: that I'm not into, I pause and I say, I
[29:58] Speaker 1: need to take a moment because I don't want to
[30:01] Speaker 1: lash out at you and I want to have a
[30:02] Speaker 1: productive conversation, So just give me a moment. I guess
[30:05] Speaker 1: what that That is me saying I want to show
[30:10] Speaker 1: up for you the way you deserve. But also there's
[30:13] Speaker 1: a boundary, and I'm not going to compromise my boundaries
[30:16] Speaker 1: for the sake of making you fucking feel Okay.
[30:20] Speaker 2: All right, I was looking up acronyms for pause present
[30:24] Speaker 2: except understand surrender, evolve, pause, acknowledge, unhook ooh, unhook. I
[30:32] Speaker 2: love that word. Actually, unplug.
[30:34] Speaker 1: I love an unplug.
[30:36] Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh you know what, because that's electricity. Right when
[30:40] Speaker 2: you plug it in, you got electricity. Baby, when you unplug,
[30:42] Speaker 2: there's no fucking electricity. No, and no one's gonna get shocked. No, no,
[30:49] Speaker 2: And that's the whole point. Don't make me electrocute that ass.
[30:53] Speaker 1: Let me unplug for the sake of both of us, okay,
[30:57] Speaker 1: because once that happens, it's hard for the party to recover.
[31:01] Speaker 1: And I also want to tap into a place of
[31:04] Speaker 1: when I'm in a state of anger, if I can pause.
[31:08] Speaker 1: I am so fucking sick of saying sorry, this is
[31:11] Speaker 1: this is what happens here. Here is the the series
[31:16] Speaker 1: of events. Someone fucking comes for me. I retaliate based
[31:21] Speaker 1: on what they did, but my wrath is ten times
[31:25] Speaker 1: more brutal than their initial attack. And then guess what,
[31:31] Speaker 1: everyone forgets about what they did, and I have to go,
[31:33] Speaker 1: I'm sorry that I said that, and now it's all
[31:35] Speaker 1: on me. I'm the psychopath, and I'm like, does no.
[31:38] Speaker 2: One remember don't poke the bear? Yeah, no, it's a trigger.
[31:42] Speaker 2: Don't shoot at a bear.
[31:43] Speaker 1: And miss also, yeah, that's just gonna kiss me off,
[31:47] Speaker 1: go for the jugular.
[31:48] Speaker 2: Sometimes I really just am like, and it's funny just
[31:52] Speaker 2: thinking about it. I feel my body.
[31:55] Speaker 1: Are you feeling heightened right now? Thinking of it?
[31:56] Speaker 2: I feel so heightened?
[31:58] Speaker 1: Dame, I'm reading to fucking tear someone up?
[32:00] Speaker 2: Who am I gonna? Who am I gonna fucking fuck up?
[32:02] Speaker 2: After this podcast is done? Like? Who am I gonna
[32:05] Speaker 2: go after? That's like cross the boundary which we all
[32:08] Speaker 2: know the person.
[32:09] Speaker 1: That guy.
[32:21] Speaker 2: I'll never forget. I had a therapist tell me, you know,
[32:26] Speaker 2: when your kids, you're trying to teach them to apologize, right,
[32:30] Speaker 2: and you're like, you just hate your sister, Like you
[32:34] Speaker 2: need to say you're sorry. And then I had a
[32:37] Speaker 2: therapist say you can't force your kids because then it's
[32:40] Speaker 2: gonna sound like this I'm sorry and like super not genuine.
[32:45] Speaker 2: And I was like, oh my god, what happens. Yeah,
[32:47] Speaker 2: then you're supposed to say, when you're ready to apologize,
[32:51] Speaker 2: you need to say sorry. And I'm like, but kids forget,
[32:55] Speaker 2: like five minutes later they're playing with legos, or they're
[32:57] Speaker 2: like doing their makeup or parentally room that has no
[33:00] Speaker 2: fun stuff. Well, you know what you're supposed to do.
[33:02] Speaker 2: You're supposed to put him on the third stare if
[33:04] Speaker 2: you have a staircase, or on a step, because if
[33:07] Speaker 2: you say, if you have a two story house, you
[33:09] Speaker 2: put them on the third step, it's boring. They're isolated
[33:14] Speaker 2: and it's not not dangerous. I think I need this
[33:18] Speaker 2: was like therapy for me just now. Good glad I
[33:21] Speaker 2: could be of service waiting for the cycle to end. Oh,
[33:26] Speaker 2: you and me both, let's go do something great today.
[33:29] Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of what I could do. But yes,
[33:30] Speaker 2: I'm gonna do something great and then I'll.
[33:32] Speaker 1: Let you do something great today. Okay, yeah, I love
[33:35] Speaker 1: it you guys, Thank you for listening to another episode
[33:38] Speaker 1: of An Unlikely Affair. We love you. A reminder a
[33:41] Speaker 1: new episode of An Unlikely Affair with myself and Amber
[33:44] Speaker 1: Chillders airs every Thursday at nine pm, where you can
[33:47] Speaker 1: catch it the next day.
[33:48] Speaker 2: We love you, Bye, love you guys. Bye,

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