# Why Your Child Misbehaves And What To Do

An episode of [Peace and Parenting: How to Parent without Punishments](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1476331236), 7 Apr 2026, 24 min.

Audio: https://dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/pscrb.fm/rss/p/audio3.redcircle.com/episodes/31c0f48f-52b6-4755-8608-11d82d6ff281/stream.mp3

Your child isn't "being bad", they're trying to tell you something. In this episode, I break down the five real reasons children misbehave and why the punishments, time-outs, and consequences you've been relying on are actually making behavior worse. You'll learn my step-by-step framework for responding to any behavior with both connection and limits, plus three quick wins you can start using today. If you're stuck in the yelling-guilt-repeat cycle and nothing seems to work no matter how hard you try, this is the episode that changes everything. Want an opportunity to get your parenting questions answered by Michelle? Join us live this Thursday at 9:30 am PST 🔗 Interested in our programs or coaching? Book a free Discovery Call today. 🌟Explore and Join our Peace and Parenting Community 📖 Check out my book: UNPUNISHED Feeling called to bring this work to other parents? Our Coaching Certification Program trains you to do exactly that. DM me CERTIFICATION on Instagram for details. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

## Transcript

[0:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Thanks for joining me on the piece of parenting podcast.
[0:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm so glad you're here.
[0:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Our training is called Why Your Child Miss Behaves and what to do about it.
[0:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I really wanted really looking to that word Miss Behaveer and start talking about it as off-track behaviors.
[0:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm gonna be really straight with you.
[0:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is not gonna be a lecture on theory.
[0:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is going to be practical, real world guidance that can get you started today.
[0:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So let's dive in.
[0:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So here are the misconceptions that might be holding you back.
[0:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The first misconception is this idea that your children are pushing your buttons, that they're doing something wrong, and they're doing it on purpose.
[0:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I absolutely thought it.
[0:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I thought my daughter had this personal plan to ruin my day.
[0:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I thought that she woke up with this idea that she just wanted to push every single one of my buttons to see me react.
[0:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I know that sounds dramatic, but in the heart of the moment, that's exactly what it feels like.
[1:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Here's the problem with that idea, is that when we think our child is deliberately being bad, our response becomes punishment, and we yell, like I did, or we threaten, we take things away, and then we feel terrible, and then it happens again tomorrow.
[1:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So here's the truth.
[1:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I want you to write the sound if you can.
[1:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Miss behavior is communication.
[1:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Your child's not giving you a hard time.
[1:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I'm sure you've heard this before.
[1:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're having a hard time.
[1:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Every single behavior, the tantrums, the whining, the defiance, the eye rolling, the sassiness.
[1:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Every single one of those is your child telling you something.
[1:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's just they don't have the words to say it.
[1:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And they don't really understand their feelings themselves.
[1:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So this week, every time your child acts out or has one of these off-track behaviors, I want you to pause for one second and ask yourself, what is my child feeling right now?
[1:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How do I stop this?
[1:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But what are they feeling?
[1:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's one shift that you can make.
[2:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, the real cost of punishments.
[2:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There are real cost of punishments.
[2:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And one of those costs is this idea that when we punish our kids consistently, they stop coming to us.
[2:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's not what we want.
[2:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We don't want them to stop coming and telling us about their lives.
[2:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They also don't stop doing the behaviors.
[2:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They just try to hide them.
[2:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They learn that when I have this problem, I can't go to mom or dad because they're not safe.
[2:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's the opposite of what we want.
[2:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Also, punishments escalate behavior.
[2:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's what nobody tells you.
[2:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They don't tell you, oh, if you keep punishing your child, it will actually make the long-term behavior problem worse.
[2:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Maybe in the short serve, they stop doing it.
[2:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But over time, that bad behavior comes back again and again and again.
[2:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And number three,
[2:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It causes burnout because we don't want to be that parent who's constantly yelling or threatening or bribing, how many of you are so sick of doing those things?
[2:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How many of you are sick of being the referee or sick of being the judge and jury?
[3:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It doesn't make parenting feel good.
[3:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So let me give you two numbers that really drove this home for me.
[3:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: 73% of parents admit that yelling doesn't work, but they still keep doing it.
[3:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's from the American Psychological Association.
[3:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And 85% of US parents have used spanking.
[3:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And some of them still do.
[3:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Even though the American Academy of Pediatrics now says that it predicts more aggression spanking than anything.
[3:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the old ways, they're just not working.
[3:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It does make things worse.
[3:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And the good news is, there is a better way.
[3:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's exactly what we're going to cover next.
[3:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let's talk about this next piece.
[3:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: the real reasons that kids miss behave.
[3:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: All right, so if Miss behavior is your communication, then exactly what are kids trying to tell us?
[3:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I've been working with families and kids for almost 30 years.
[3:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I've found that it comes down to five things.
[4:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Five real reasons why kids miss behavior or have off-check behavior behaviors.
[4:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And none of them, none of them, are that your child is bad.
[4:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The number one, I met needs.
[4:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Number two, this connection.
[4:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Number three, big huge emotions, and the developing brain and number four, lack of autonomy and finally, what's a developmentally normal for children.
[4:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The reason number one is the most overlooked and honestly, it's the simplest of fix.
[4:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's the unmet needs.
[4:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Is your tired, is your child hungry?
[4:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they tired?
[4:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they overstimulated?
[4:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If they are, they can't regulate their behavior.
[4:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This isn't that something's wrong with them.
[4:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's just biology.
[4:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Their brain literally does not have the resources to cooperate when their body is depleted.
[4:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So what does that look like in real life?
[4:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's the tantrum and the grocery store at 5pm.
[4:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How many have had that?
[4:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's the whining and the cleanliness right before dinner.
[4:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How many people have had that?
[4:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's the meltdown at the birthday break heart party because there's way too much going on to many kids, too much sugar, too much everything.
[4:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How many have had that?
[5:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's the defiance at bedtime when they're so over tired and they can't even function.
[5:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How many people have had that?
[5:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Those are nearly unavoidable.
[5:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But what breaks my heart sometimes is that we punish kids when they have these behaviors when it's totally out of their control and they're running on empty.
[5:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So what can you do?
[5:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: First, you can pack snacks.
[5:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know it sounds stupid, but it makes sense.
[5:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Make sure your kids have food.
[5:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if they don't have food, make sure you have something on you that you can give them at any moment.
[5:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Before you react to any behavior, run through halt.
[5:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they hungry?
[5:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they hungry?
[5:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they hungry?
[5:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they angry?
[5:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they lonely?
[5:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they tired?
[5:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Are they any of those things?
[5:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They are those things, try to remedy as best you can.
[5:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And third, if you can't remedy those things, and the child is hungry and they're tired and they are running on empty, you might have to forego your outing, you might have to say we're only going to stay for a few minutes of this birthday party, you might have to say you know that trip to target at 6 p.m. after dinner is probably not the best idea, maybe I should just run in and get what I need to run back out.
[6:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Before you leave on any outings, I would do a little checklist.
[6:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you have a snack, do you have water?
[6:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you have, is your child rested?
[6:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And put that list on your refrigerator and just really look at it before you go on and out and before you leave to do anything, are those things as taken care of as they possibly can be?
[6:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Reason number two is disconnection.
[6:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And this is a big one.
[6:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So listen carefully.
[6:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And this is the crux of what we do at peace and parenting.
[6:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: A child who feels disconnected from you or from themselves will do whatever it takes
[6:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They want to feel connected.
[6:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And there's the thing about attention to a child.
[6:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Negative attention, as we all know, is better than no attention at all.
[6:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So if they get your love by being good, if they don't get your love by being good, then they'll get your love by being quote unquote bad or off track.
[6:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want to share a statistic with you that change the way I parent a study published in the journal of clinical child and adolescent psychology found that just 10 minutes 10 of daily one on one play reduces behavior problems by up to 50%
[7:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm going to say that again, 10 minutes of daily play reduces behaviors off track behaviors by 50%.
[7:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So what does this connection look like?
[7:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's when you're a child acts out the second you pick up the telephone.
[7:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're not being annoying.
[7:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're just saying I need you.
[7:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't want you giving your attention to someone else.
[7:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The fix, give them a few minutes of connection, 10 minutes before you have your telephone conversation.
[7:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's looks like sibling aggression when a new baby comes home.
[7:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not jealousy.
[7:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's a child saying, do still love me.
[7:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you still see me?
[7:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you still need me?
[7:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The fix?
[7:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Daily one-on-one time right after school right before you feed the baby in those really hard moments.
[7:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's also the teen who complains and pushes back.
[7:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So try to engage and interact with a child who is looking for a connection and when the team you can really dive into their world, find out what they're interested in, talk to them about it for 10 minutes, be inside of their own psyche with them and really get involved for just a little bit of time every single day.
[8:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So here's what you want to do this week.
[8:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want you to set it a alarm on your phone and I want you to call that alarm special time.
[8:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I wanted to remind you that you need to do or should do or could consider doing 10 minutes of special time with your child.
[8:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Your child picks the activity.
[8:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You try to stay away from screens.
[8:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You don't have an agenda.
[8:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're not trying to teach them anything.
[8:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's just you and them connecting doing whatever it is they want to do.
[8:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I promise you, you will see a shift in behavior.
[8:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: By the way, this is one of the very first things we teach inside of the peace and parenting community.
[8:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's our online parenting community.
[8:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's simple, this technique, it's powerful, and we talk about it almost every day in our weekly calls.
[9:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Reason number three, and this one is going to blow some minds.
[9:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Big emotions and the developing brain.
[9:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Here's a fact that every parent needs to know, listen carefully.
[9:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The prefrontal court theft cortex, the reasoning center of your brain, that's where we have our logic and our impulse controls, our decision-making center, our emotional break, and our emotional regulation is not fully developed until age.
[9:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They say 25, some people are even saying 28.
[9:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: 25.
[9:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's not five.
[9:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's not 12.
[9:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's 25.
[9:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My daughter's 20 and I can tell you she's getting closer but you can still tell she needs development in her reasoning skills.
[9:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In the piece of parenting community we use this model, the brain science and a lot of support materials are rounded as the backbone to parenting with connection and why because it's successful when we consider the brain and how it works and how connection works we can really change
[9:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So when we look at the four-year-old, who's having a meltdown in the middle of the store, and we say, control yourself.
[9:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We're asking them to use a part of the brain that literally, A, publicly doesn't exist, and B is definitely not online in that moment.
[10:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They cannot comply.
[10:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And here's what happens instead.
[10:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When a child is overwhelmed by a big emotion, anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, the limbic system, the middle part of the brain, all the emotional core, takes over.
[10:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And when the limbic system is activated, the thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex, goes offline, they literally cannot hear you.
[10:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They can't reason.
[10:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They can't problem solve.
[10:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They are in survival mode.
[10:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So what do we do?
[10:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We've got three steps.
[10:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We can co regulate first.
[10:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know if you know what that means, but it really means calming your nervous system.
[10:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and your nervous system and your calm helps inform their calm.
[10:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So they can't de-escalate unless you're de-escalated.
[10:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if you're calm and connected, then eventually that will bring them down.
[10:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So get on their level, read deeply, drop your shoulders, lower your voice, and come to them with as much calm as you can.
[11:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The next step is evaluating feelings.
[11:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Everybody wants their feelings validated.
[11:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It doesn't mean you have to say the behavior is right, but you can tell them that the feeling is okay.
[11:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I see you really frustrated, we gotta leave the park.
[11:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're so disappointed, we can't get that toy.
[11:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, I'm not letting you go to the party tonight.
[11:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I understand it's hard.
[11:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You can also merely say, do you need a hug?
[11:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm right here.
[11:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're just letting them know that they're heard and they're understood.
[11:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Third step is setting limits.
[11:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we talk a lot about sending limits in the piece of parenting community.
[11:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So setting limits looks like the rule in the house is no hitting.
[11:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can see you're really angry and I'm right here.
[11:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Notice what's happening.
[11:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're holding the boundary and you're also holding your child at the same time.
[11:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You're saying this is the boundary.
[11:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I also see your feelings around it and I recognize those.
[11:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Instead of what our parents would say would be like no more TV or else.
[11:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then the kid has left in their feelings and they have to comply
[12:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Instead, we use limits with empathy.
[12:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This week, I want you to practice one phrase or maybe a couple of phrases.
[12:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I see your upset or I understand.
[12:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you can just say those when your child is off track or having a hard moment or misbehaving,
[12:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Every single time, if you say it every single time, it will change the way you come to your children.
[12:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It will change the way they respond to you.
[12:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it might feel weird, but I would do it anyway.
[12:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So you can try.
[12:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can see you really, whatever, or I understand I'm right here.
[12:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the fourth reason is lack of autonomy.
[12:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And
[12:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This honestly is one of those hidden things that people really don't talk about.
[12:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it is the major part of struggles we have our kids with our kids.
[12:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you think about it, your kids are being asked to do things all day long.
[12:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: From the moment they wake up, we're telling them, get dressed, eat breakfast, put your shoes on, do this, do that, get in the car, sit down, then they go to school.
[12:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Get your homework up, put your backpack up.
[13:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You know, it's constant.
[13:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Can you imagine how that feels all day, every day?
[13:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Imagine if you're busted that to you every single day that you were controlled.
[13:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do this, do that.
[13:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How long would it take you before you were like, no, I don't want to do that.
[13:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I need some control in my life.
[13:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So let me show you the difference between control based parenting and connection based parenting.
[13:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you take a look at this live, control based parenting sounds like put your shoes on now because I said so.
[13:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You have no choice.
[13:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do it or you're going to lose your iPad.
[13:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: connection based parenting sounds like time to get your shoes on.
[13:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you need help?
[13:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We have to leave now and I understand it's hard, but do you want to hop like a bunny?
[13:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's teeth fun.
[13:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you have sugar bugs in those teeth?
[13:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let me see.
[13:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know it's hard to stop playing your video games, and I understand what we're going to have to, and then you listen to the feelings that ensue, and that is the big difference between control parenting and parenting with connection.
[13:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We set the limit, but we listen to the upset around that limit.
[14:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We don't just enforce a punishment instead.
[14:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This week, find a way to get things done being playful.
[14:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Getting dressed, leaving the park, meal time, bedtime, turning off the electronics.
[14:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Can you hop like a bunny?
[14:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Can you walk like a gorilla?
[14:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What can you do to incorporate play in your request of your child?
[14:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I assure you, you will get much better response than commanding or demanding.
[14:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Try that this week.
[14:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Play is one of the tools that we use deeply inside of the peace and parenting community.
[14:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We talk about it all the time.
[14:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It is one of my go-to best ideas, my most favorite ideas, it's what I even use with my teenagers.
[14:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, let's talk about what is developmentally a realistic for children because children have, you know, developmental stages and those developmental mental stages are not definitely aren't always obvious to us.
[15:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: we often call it misbehavior, but it's actually 100% developmentally normal oftentimes what our kids are doing.
[15:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So when your two-year-old says no to everything, it's not defiant, it's not that they're trying to be unkind.
[15:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's a child developing a sense of self.
[15:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's literally their job right now.
[15:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The appropriate response is not to punish.
[15:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The no, it's the acknowledge it.
[15:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, you don't want to go, I hear you.
[15:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: listen to those feelings, validate those feelings, and then proceed.
[15:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's your four to six-year-old who lies, test limits, argues about everything, they're learning social rules, they're developing their imagination, and the line is actually a cognitive milestone.
[15:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It means their brains growing.
[15:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Don't shame them, focus on problem solving together.
[15:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's your seven to nine-year-old, who talks back, pushes every boundary, their developing critical thinking skills are trying to figure it out for themselves.
[16:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What's the world made of?
[16:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Where do I belong here?
[16:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Listen to the no behind-the-distrespect.
[16:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There's almost always a valid feeling underneath it.
[16:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Ender 10 or 12-year-old, who withdraws their rules their eyes.
[16:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They act like you're the most embarrassing person on the planet.
[16:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They don't want to be around you.
[16:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They don't mean it.
[16:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's them trying to identify who they are.
[16:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're trying to figure out what the world looks like away from you and how to function in that world.
[16:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now we have to respect some of their privacy, but we are not controlling and we do not withdraw.
[16:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We stay present.
[16:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What about your 13 through 17-year-olds?
[16:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They deeply want their independence and they have to keep that independence in order to grow their maturity.
[16:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: their moods might be wonky, they might be really super sweet one moment and then totally unkind the next moment.
[16:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When they're sassy and they're mean and they're unkind, they don't mean it, they really don't, they're going through so much developmentally, they're trying to be this big adult person in a little tiny body.
[17:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Be their safe place because they need one, they don't have safe places.
[17:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What about your 18 to 20 year olds?
[17:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: These are still kids.
[17:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know it doesn't feel like they're kids, but they're still kids, and they still need their parents.
[17:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I have a 20 year old, and she needs me desperately.
[17:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'll tell you that.
[17:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're questioning everything, though.
[17:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're trying to figure out what the world means, how to be an adult, how to take on all the responsibility of the adult, but they don't really want it.
[17:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's the push and pull of that.
[17:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Can you make me dinner?
[17:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Can you do my laundry for me?
[17:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They want those things done for them and at the same time when they leave,
[17:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And are away from the house.
[17:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They have to do those things themselves.
[17:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it's not easy for them to learn all these new skills.
[17:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You now become their confidence.
[17:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You become their conciliary.
[17:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You become their support and more their friend.
[17:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then you start really developing that foundation of trust, where you're not telling them what to do, you're not giving them your opinion, but you're being their support person when they need it.
[17:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When we understand what's normal, then we can stop thinking something to wrong with our kids.
[18:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I believe me, there's nothing wrong with your child.
[18:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Please Google, what is normal behavior for a year old?
[18:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I'd like you to read all of those normal behaviors.
[18:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I believe you, believe me, I think you'll see a lot of behaviors that you might think aren't normal, or you think they're acting out, or you think they're misceived here.
[18:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We're going to get to the peace and pay of parenting a framework.
[18:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So now you know the five reasons.
[18:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The question is, when your child's melting down, what do you actually do?
[18:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What's the step by step?
[18:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There's a little framework that I like called peace, E-A-A-C-E.
[18:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Number one is P is pause.
[18:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We talked about the great beginning.
[18:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oz and take a breath.
[18:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like co-regulating.
[18:41] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Remind yourself this is not an emergency.
[18:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My child's not the enemy.
[18:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're not after me.
[18:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: E. empathize.
[18:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Name what your child's feeling.
[18:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, you're really upset.
[18:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, you seem super frustrated.
[18:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, I wish we could stay longer.
[18:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You don't have to agree that the behavior is right.
[18:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You just have to empathize with the feelings.
[19:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You have to validate the way they're feeling about the situation.
[19:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: A is acknowledgement and that's different than empathizing.
[19:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's acknowledging meaning you're letting them know that their experience makes sense.
[19:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It doesn't mean we're fixing it.
[19:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It means we see them as people with real life boundaries.
[19:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: See, connect, get on their level, kneel down, get on the floor, and be present, be soft, be open.
[19:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Connection is the bridge between the big emotion and the cooperation you're looking for.
[19:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And E is enforced with empathy.
[19:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Here's where the boundary comes in.
[19:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And this is critical because connected parenting is not permissive, parenting.
[19:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not even gentle parenting.
[19:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We absolutely hold limits.
[19:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We just hold them without shame, without punishments, without lecture.
[19:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We hold them without losing the relationship.
[19:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We share with our children.
[20:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We hold them without damaging that connection that you're working so hard to build.
[20:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We have to turn off the TV.
[20:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know that show is great, but we're done for the night.
[20:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We listen to the feelings, but we also hold to limit.
[20:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We hold our child, but we also hold the boundary.
[20:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And this is the framework right here.
[20:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If we practice week after week, we get better at these ideas.
[20:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's exactly what we do in the peace and parenting community and our one-on-one coaching.
[20:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because knowing it and living it and understanding it deeply and struggling with it on the daily are very different things.
[20:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and we need support and practice in order to make those things on that.
[20:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I want to share a story with you because I know some of you are thinking, yeah, this sounds really great, Michelle.
[20:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sure, cool.
[20:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How do I do it?
[20:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So let me tell you about a client of ours share.
[20:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She came through the piece of parenting community and she was a yellow, like me.
[20:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She'll tell you that herself.
[20:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She was in that cycle.
[20:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: She would yell and then feel guilty and then promise to do it better again and then yell again.
[21:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sound familiar.
[21:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's what I did.
[21:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I don't know if you did too.
[21:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So she started using connect a parenting and daily special time.
[21:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And within two weeks, she stopped yelling.
[21:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Her six year olds tantrums went from every single day to once a week.
[21:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And here's what she said.
[21:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We have had some big winds over here with this method.
[21:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We have a long way to go, but it's exciting to see progress in myself and my kids using your strategies, Michelle.
[21:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I love what she says here, progress in myself and in my kids.
[21:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's the thing, when you work on making changes in your parenting, you see it manifest with your children.
[21:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It changes the way you look at your kids, it changes the way you look at yourself and the way your whole family feels.
[21:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Now, I also want to share a cautionary stale tale.
[21:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I worked with a mom who tried everything she found.
[21:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Sticker charts, I used sticker charts, timeouts, I used timeouts, taking toys away, oh, I took toys away, taking screen time away, it did that, too.
[21:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I took dessert, I took everything I could and so did she.
[22:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And her five year olds behavior didn't get any better.
[22:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It got worse.
[22:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The aggression escalated, the mount down's got bigger because every punishment was confirming that the child already believed I'm bad and nobody understands me.
[22:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: when she switched to limits with empathy and connection through our peace and parenting community, the aggression stopped within three weeks.
[22:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Three weeks, not because we found a magic trick, but because the child ended up feeling safe.
[22:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So they didn't have to use the misbehavior to get the negative tension that they were looking for.
[22:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I wanna give you two more data points to take with you because I know some of you are the type who wanna see the evidence.
[22:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I love that, cause I wanna see the evidence too.
[22:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: 80% of parents who switch from punitive, so punishment-based threats and bribes, to connective approaches, report fewer daily conflicts within 30 days.
[22:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's from the Positive Discipline Association.
[22:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: 30 days, that's not a long, a year-long program, that's one month of shifting how you respond.
[22:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And here's one that really puts things in perspective.
[23:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: 65% of children's nuclear problems stem from environmental factors, tiredness, hunger, routine disruption, not the science, not misbehavior.
[23:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: 65%, so most of the time it's not your kid, it's the circumstance.
[23:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if you want to go deeper, I have some resources for you.
[23:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Unpunished it's everything I've taught tonight are today plus the full roadmap of letting go of punishments and building connection based home it's also my story.
[23:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's my memoir of the struggles that I went through.
[23:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Second is the Peace and Parenting podcast and I don't know if you've checked it out, but it's on all the platforms and there's 500 episodes.
[23:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I discuss real stories, I use real tools, I have conversations with parents just like you and experts.
[23:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's available anywhere.
[23:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And third, and this is the big one, is the Peace and Parenting community weekly live support calls with myself and my coaches.
[23:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is where parents come to practice, we get feedback, and to feel supported because reading a book is great.
[24:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But doing the work in a community with other people, that's where the transformation happens.
[24:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Thank you for joining me on the Peace and Parenting podcast.
[24:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'll see you next.

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