# Why the Yes Comes Out Before the No You Meant

An episode of [7 Good Minutes](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1346062517), 28 Oct 2026, 5:16.

Audio: https://dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/pscrb.fm/rss/p/mgln.ai/e/35/api.spreaker.com/download/episode/75888892/7gm_10282026_podcast.mp3

You're walking out of school pickup with a backpack in each hand when another parent asks if you could run the bake sale table on Saturday. Everything in you says no. You hear yourself say, "Sure, no problem." This episode looks at the two predictable mistakes that tend to show up in the few seconds after someone asks. One is about the other person: research on declined invitations found that people consistently overestimate how disappointed or upset the person who invited them will be. The other is about future you: we tend to expect more spare time next month than we'll actually have. Put those together and the reluctant yes starts to make sense. It usually isn't a character flaw. It's a decision made too fast, and a little distance from that moment, like "Let me check and get back to you tonight," can change what you say. Follow 7 Good Minutes for new episodes every day. Watch 7 Good Minutes on YouTube: https://youtube.com/@7goodminutes 7 Good Minutes is presented by OCEANSCAPE and published by The Extraordinary Network.

## Transcript

[0:00] Speaker 1: Most of the yeses we regret were given in the
[0:02] Speaker 1: few seconds after someone asked. Welcome to 7 Good Minutes.
[0:06] Speaker 1: I'm Clyde Lee Dennis. Today we're looking at why you
[0:09] Speaker 1: keep saying yes when you mean no, and how to
[0:11] Speaker 1: change what happens in the moment someone asks. You know
[0:15] Speaker 1: how it goes. You're walking out of school pickup with
[0:17] Speaker 1: a backpack in each hand, and another parent catches you. Hey,
[0:22] Speaker 1: could you run the bake sale table on Saturday? Just
[0:24] Speaker 1: a couple of hours. Or it's a message from work.
[0:28] Speaker 1: Can you take this one too? Or your sister calls
[0:31] Speaker 1: about hosting the holidays again. Something in you says no, clearly.
[0:36] Speaker 1: And then you hear yourself say, sure, no problem. The
[0:40] Speaker 1: yes takes about two seconds. Then you carry it. You
[0:44] Speaker 1: move other things around. You give up a morning you
[0:46] Speaker 1: were counting on. And somewhere in there you feel annoyed,
[0:49] Speaker 1: mostly at yourself, because you knew the answer before you
[0:52] Speaker 1: gave the other one. It's easy to decide this is
[0:56] Speaker 1: a personality problem. I'm a pushover. I just can't say no.
[1:01] Speaker 1: but that isn't the most useful way to see it.
[1:03] Speaker 1: Researchers have found something more specific. In the moment someone asks,
[1:08] Speaker 1: two predictable mistakes tend to show up together. And once
[1:11] Speaker 1: you can see them, the yes gets a lot less automatic.
[1:15] Speaker 1: The first mistake is about the other person. When you
[1:18] Speaker 1: imagine saying no, you picture their face falling. You picture
[1:22] Speaker 1: them disappointed, maybe annoyed, maybe thinking a little less of you.
[1:26] Speaker 1: In research published in 2024, Julian Givy and Colleen Kirk
[1:31] Speaker 1: tested how accurate that picture is. Across five experiments with
[1:35] Speaker 1: more than 2,000 people, they compared how upset people expected
[1:39] Speaker 1: someone to be when they turned down an invitation with
[1:42] Speaker 1: how upset the person who had invited them actually was.
[1:46] Speaker 1: In one study, couples invited each other to an activity,
[1:49] Speaker 1: and the partner being invited was secretly asked to say no.
[1:53] Speaker 1: The pattern held. The people saying no kept overestimating how disappointed, hurt,
[1:59] Speaker 1: or angry the other person would be. The person asking
[2:02] Speaker 1: was usually more understanding than expected. The researchers also found
[2:06] Speaker 1: part of the reason. When we decline, we assume the
[2:10] Speaker 1: other person will focus on the no itself. But the
[2:13] Speaker 1: people doing the inviting tended to think more about the reasons,
[2:16] Speaker 1: about the fact that you'd actually considered it. In a
[2:19] Speaker 1: small early survey for that research, about three out of
[2:23] Speaker 1: four people said they had gone to something they didn't
[2:25] Speaker 1: want to attend. because they worried about what saying no
[2:28] Speaker 1: would do. Now, that research was about invitations, and nobody
[2:33] Speaker 1: is saying people never mind. Turn down everything, and that's
[2:36] Speaker 1: a different story. But it does suggest the price of
[2:39] Speaker 1: an honest no is usually smaller than the one you're
[2:42] Speaker 1: bracing for. The second mistake is about you. More specifically,
[2:47] Speaker 1: about future you. A lot of requests aren't for today.
[2:51] Speaker 1: They're for next Saturday or next month. And researchers Gal
[2:55] Speaker 1: Zauberman and John Lynch found that people consistently expect to
[2:58] Speaker 1: have more spare time in the future than they have
[3:01] Speaker 1: right now. We expect money to be about as tight
[3:04] Speaker 1: next month as it is this month. But time? We
[3:08] Speaker 1: imagine it will somehow open up. It doesn't. Next month
[3:12] Speaker 1: arrives just as full. Zauberman and Lynch even gave this
[3:15] Speaker 1: a name. They called it the yes-damn effect. Yes when
[3:19] Speaker 1: you're asked, damn when the day comes. So put those
[3:23] Speaker 1: two together. In the moment someone asks... You're overestimating what
[3:27] Speaker 1: a no would cost, and you're underestimating what the yes
[3:30] Speaker 1: will cost. No wonder the yes comes out. That's the
[3:34] Speaker 1: shift I want to offer today. Saying yes when you
[3:37] Speaker 1: mean no usually isn't a weak character. It's a decision
[3:41] Speaker 1: made too fast, under the two worst conditions for making it.
[3:45] Speaker 1: The person is right there, so the no feels bigger
[3:47] Speaker 1: than it is. The commitment is somewhere in the future,
[3:51] Speaker 1: so the yes feels smaller than it is. Which means
[3:54] Speaker 1: you don't have to become a different person. You just
[3:56] Speaker 1: need a little distance from that moment. That can be
[3:59] Speaker 1: as simple as not answering on the spot. Let me
[4:02] Speaker 1: check and get back to you tonight. It's a perfectly
[4:05] Speaker 1: reasonable thing to say. And it gives you something the
[4:08] Speaker 1: moment of asking never does. A chance to look at
[4:10] Speaker 1: the request without someone waiting on your face for the answer. Then,
[4:15] Speaker 1: if the answer is no, you can keep it short
[4:17] Speaker 1: and kind. One true sentence about why is usually enough. Remember,
[4:23] Speaker 1: The person asking tends to care more about knowing you
[4:26] Speaker 1: thought about it than about a long apology. One honest note,
[4:30] Speaker 1: some things in your life aren't really optional. A sick kid,
[4:33] Speaker 1: a deadline your job depends on, a parent who needs you.
[4:37] Speaker 1: Those aren't the requests we're talking about. Even there, you
[4:41] Speaker 1: often have more room than you think to talk about
[4:43] Speaker 1: when or how much. But today is about the extras,
[4:47] Speaker 1: the ones you already know you don't want. In today's extra,
[4:51] Speaker 1: I'll give you a simple test to run before you answer.
[4:54] Speaker 1: It takes about 10 seconds, and it's built to catch
[4:56] Speaker 1: that future you mistake. Because the goal isn't to say
[4:59] Speaker 1: no more often. It's to make sure that when you
[5:02] Speaker 1: say yes, you mean it. A real yes is something
[5:05] Speaker 1: you can give gladly. A reluctant one just gets carried.
[5:09] Speaker 1: That does it for today's episode of 7 Good Minutes.
[5:12] Speaker 1: Until next time, let's be civil to one another out there.

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