# Dear Banya: Who Ya Gonna Call?

An episode of [Scrubbing In with Becca Tilley & Tanya Rad](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1279955329), 23 Jan 2026, 30 min.

Audio: https://podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/arttrk.com/p/D5CA5/pdst.fm/e/pscrb.fm/rss/p/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/e73c998e-6e60-432f-8610-ae210140c5b1/009b23ef-9bd1-4caf-a592-ae3101631380/2914b1b5-404a-45cc-96da-b3da0076765f/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=7e804438-d6f3-48a0-9de8-ae310163138e

Becca and Tanya are back to help some Scrubbers with another round of Dear Banya! What do you do when your ex starts dating someone new… and it’s your next door neighbor?? When can you “rescind” a wedding invite?? And what’s the best way to handle a partner who doesn’t feel the same urgency to take the next step?? Plus… if you could take on any movie role, what would it be?? See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:00] Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Beca Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
[0:04] Speaker 1: and two time People's Choice Award winning.
[0:07] Speaker 2: Podcast Hello everybody, we are scrubbing in.
[0:16] Speaker 1: It's that scrubbing in life with my scrubbing in a wife.
[0:22] Speaker 3: I was thinking it'd be fun if we did a
[0:23] Speaker 3: little jingle for dear Bonya like such as, well, you know,
[0:28] Speaker 3: I just come with ideas, not exact execution.
[0:31] Speaker 1: Yeah, that's where we always fall flat, and that we
[0:34] Speaker 1: have ideas, we don't follow through on anything. We should
[0:36] Speaker 1: change that. Honestly, that's a really bad quality to have.
[0:40] Speaker 4: Yes, it really is.
[0:41] Speaker 1: And I'm not putting that on you. I'm putting that
[0:42] Speaker 1: on the both of us.
[0:44] Speaker 4: It's literally a store of mine, look at any area
[0:46] Speaker 4: of my life.
[0:47] Speaker 3: Really, But I just thought it be cute if it
[0:51] Speaker 3: was like who you're gonna call when you have a question,
[0:57] Speaker 3: or it was just gonna be like two lines like
[0:59] Speaker 3: who you gonna call? But something that ends with Anya.
[1:05] Speaker 4: It's kind of tough. It's very tough.
[1:07] Speaker 5: I'm gonna call when there's a question, Anya, pick up
[1:11] Speaker 5: the phone.
[1:13] Speaker 4: Are you gonna call when there's a question? On Y
[1:16] Speaker 4: I have an idea, Let's call Banya.
[1:20] Speaker 3: Yeah, let's write Bonya.
[1:23] Speaker 1: It's really good forget.
[1:27] Speaker 4: Yeah, because we will.
[1:28] Speaker 1: Yeah, now you're gonna call the question on ya?
[1:33] Speaker 4: I have an idea, dear Bonya. And if we can.
[1:39] Speaker 3: Add a little jingle behind it, how cute is that
[1:43] Speaker 3: we get in the studio and get that locked in?
[1:46] Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, let's maybe get let's give a clear one.
[1:49] Speaker 1: Let's give a clear one.
[1:50] Speaker 4: Oh, we're doing this now.
[1:51] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[1:52] Speaker 4: Who you're gonna call with the question on ya? I
[1:57] Speaker 4: have an idea?
[1:58] Speaker 1: Oh wait, No, I feel like I should say I
[2:00] Speaker 1: have an idea. Okay, you should say so.
[2:02] Speaker 4: That cuts it together, dear bond your bond.
[2:05] Speaker 1: Okay, But then I should say I have an idea.
[2:07] Speaker 4: Okay, who you're gonna call with the question on you?
[2:12] Speaker 1: I have an idea?
[2:13] Speaker 4: What the hell?
[2:14] Speaker 1: Dear? I think it was nice to cut like a
[2:21] Speaker 1: little like to hear this every day.
[2:23] Speaker 4: So just okay, who you're gonna call with the question
[2:38] Speaker 4: on you?
[2:39] Speaker 1: I have idea, Dear Bonya.
[2:44] Speaker 6: Wow, that's so good. I will do some stuff with that.
[2:47] Speaker 5: But if anyone out there is listening and wants to
[2:50] Speaker 5: give it, isolate that and put it on the face.
[2:57] Speaker 2: Wow.
[2:58] Speaker 1: Excellent, idea excellent and execution around. Yeah. Yeah, top tier.
[3:05] Speaker 4: Anyways, this is.
[3:06] Speaker 1: The newest grubbing in twenty twenty sixth version. We get
[3:09] Speaker 1: it done on the.
[3:10] Speaker 4: Spot and you have to listen to us workshopping.
[3:15] Speaker 1: Yeah, we're pulling you behind the curtain to show you
[3:17] Speaker 1: how the sauce is made.
[3:19] Speaker 4: Who else is doing that?
[3:20] Speaker 1: And by the way, did you know that there was
[3:24] Speaker 1: like a lot of backlash on Amy Poehler winning the
[3:26] Speaker 1: podcast Work because her podcast is like eight and eight
[3:30] Speaker 1: months old or something like that.
[3:32] Speaker 4: I hate that. Why Why is that a problem?
[3:34] Speaker 3: I don't know, because they're just like so good that
[3:37] Speaker 3: there's made a more more impact than podcasts that have
[3:40] Speaker 3: been there.
[3:41] Speaker 1: For you just tell you what I read. No, I
[3:45] Speaker 1: would just on like online critics, schmidtics. Yeah, they're all
[3:49] Speaker 1: out there. They are all out there.
[3:51] Speaker 3: It's best you just don't read the comments. That's what
[3:53] Speaker 3: I've learned. The other day, I was like upset because
[3:56] Speaker 3: I can't even remember what it was about. But someone
[3:57] Speaker 3: sent me a DM that I was like like fixated on,
[4:01] Speaker 3: and Haley goes, I can believe you just open your
[4:03] Speaker 3: dms and I'm like, well, normally everyone's so nice, Like
[4:06] Speaker 3: I never have to worry about hate, Like I'm very lucky,
[4:10] Speaker 3: but sometimes one will sneak in there. Yeah, not even hate,
[4:14] Speaker 3: just just something that makes me uncozy, you know.
[4:17] Speaker 1: Yeah, I hate that for you. I'm sorry.
[4:20] Speaker 4: It is life, you know. You know what I did realize, hooper,
[4:25] Speaker 4: you're gonna get haters. Haters.
[4:27] Speaker 1: Yeah, Hoopers bring haters.
[4:30] Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, what were you gonna say?
[4:34] Speaker 1: I feel I've felt the opposite in my DMS. I
[4:37] Speaker 1: feel like people have been like actually really respectful and
[4:41] Speaker 1: like saying like I don't know what happened, and like
[4:44] Speaker 1: you don't need to share when until you're ready, but
[4:47] Speaker 1: like I'm praying for you and thinking about you, and
[4:48] Speaker 1: I'm like that is so kind, you know what I mean.
[4:51] Speaker 1: Like nobody's like prying, oh yeah, or like I don't know,
[4:56] Speaker 1: but just sending their well wishes and like that's so nice.
[5:00] Speaker 1: That's literally like the nicest thing you can do, right.
[5:03] Speaker 4: That is really nice.
[5:04] Speaker 3: I'm glad you're having those types of messages.
[5:07] Speaker 4: Yeah, and no haters.
[5:08] Speaker 1: No, I'm not a hooper. I beat them up and
[5:10] Speaker 1: I'm not a hooper, so I don't I don't bring
[5:12] Speaker 1: the haters.
[5:15] Speaker 3: Y. Yeah, no, when you when you become a hooper,
[5:18] Speaker 3: you'll know that. You'll know what I'm talking about.
[5:20] Speaker 1: I don't think I ever will become a hooper. I
[5:22] Speaker 1: don't think that's that's not in the cards for me.
[5:25] Speaker 4: I'm trying to find a co ed league that me
[5:27] Speaker 4: and Robbie can be a part of.
[5:29] Speaker 1: I would love that his friends actually started doing like
[5:32] Speaker 1: they were supposed to, start doing pick up basketball every like.
[5:35] Speaker 1: I don't know, it's one day of the weekend. I
[5:36] Speaker 1: can't remember Saturday or Sunday mornings.
[5:39] Speaker 4: And I was just like, ugh, no, I don't do
[5:41] Speaker 4: that's the thing I'm not doing.
[5:42] Speaker 1: It was just his guy friends. Yeah, yeah, And I
[5:45] Speaker 1: was just like, this is this is the beginning of the.
[5:47] Speaker 3: End doing that, and then I'm not doing weekend mornings.
[5:51] Speaker 4: I draw the line weekend mornings weekday nights only.
[5:54] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[5:55] Speaker 4: Okay, let's get to deer Bonia.
[5:57] Speaker 2: Because who you're gonna call the goals, the gals, and
[5:59] Speaker 2: the the scrubbers have some questions, question all ask This
[6:05] Speaker 2: first one has me stress, so Euston.
[6:09] Speaker 5: Yeah, this is a rough one, okay, Hi, Becca Easton,
[6:12] Speaker 5: Mark Absent, and Tanya. I have to start by first
[6:16] Speaker 5: thanking you for the amazing content you put out. How
[6:18] Speaker 5: nice when life feels difficult. It's nice knowing there's happiness
[6:21] Speaker 5: and a supportive community through this pod. I've heard you
[6:24] Speaker 5: give advice to so many people, and now I'm needing
[6:26] Speaker 5: help For context. I went through a breakup during the
[6:28] Speaker 5: summer of last year. We were together for four years,
[6:31] Speaker 5: and I was the one that kept the relationship together
[6:34] Speaker 5: and was definitely more in love the entire time. After
[6:36] Speaker 5: breaking up, she started seeing a new girl in my
[6:38] Speaker 5: apartment building, which upset me, but I was able to
[6:41] Speaker 5: get through. Then I found out she's in the apartment
[6:43] Speaker 5: next to me. I am in six oh six, she
[6:45] Speaker 5: is in six oh five. It's been making my life
[6:48] Speaker 5: so uncomfortable and difficult, and I would love to get
[6:50] Speaker 5: y'all's thoughts on what I should do for context. I
[6:53] Speaker 5: have no family in the city, but I do have
[6:54] Speaker 5: a few friends. I'm a total Tanya and I always
[6:57] Speaker 5: have my heart on my sleeve. Even though this sucks,
[6:59] Speaker 5: I know all find my Robbie Haley one day, Love
[7:01] Speaker 5: you all.
[7:02] Speaker 6: And thank you from Marcie oh Man. That is rough.
[7:07] Speaker 1: She kind of move that's as clear as day to me.
[7:12] Speaker 4: That would literally be like when we lived in the
[7:14] Speaker 4: same building.
[7:15] Speaker 1: Yes, and you shared a wall.
[7:17] Speaker 3: Yeah, but and you were dating someone and then y'all
[7:20] Speaker 3: broke up and your heart broken and then he started
[7:23] Speaker 3: dating me.
[7:24] Speaker 1: I would move.
[7:25] Speaker 4: I'd be like, see yea later, see you next Tuesday.
[7:29] Speaker 3: Yeah, No, I would definitely move, which but that not
[7:33] Speaker 3: everyone has the like freedom to do that.
[7:35] Speaker 4: Like we don't know like the lease.
[7:37] Speaker 1: Okay, let's just say, let's play this out. She's in
[7:39] Speaker 1: like a year lease.
[7:40] Speaker 4: To just signed a year lease? What if she bought it?
[7:43] Speaker 3: Maybe she's in a condo if you don't own, if
[7:46] Speaker 3: you're just renting, when is your lise up?
[7:49] Speaker 4: We might need some follow up here.
[7:50] Speaker 1: Yeah, we do need a little because my advice would
[7:52] Speaker 1: be to move. But you're right if she just signed
[7:53] Speaker 1: a year lease and she even if she's like six
[7:56] Speaker 1: months in, she saw six months still next to this chica.
[8:00] Speaker 3: Also, what if you start living your life and then
[8:03] Speaker 3: you bring someone new over.
[8:06] Speaker 1: No, we're not playing tip for tat here.
[8:08] Speaker 4: Oh we're not well because.
[8:10] Speaker 1: That's for petty girls and we're not petty.
[8:13] Speaker 4: There's room for petty.
[8:15] Speaker 1: You know that.
[8:18] Speaker 4: She forgot about her gameplay and oh yeah.
[8:20] Speaker 1: I did forget about that. Okay.
[8:23] Speaker 3: If your lease is gonna be up soon, I say
[8:26] Speaker 3: it's time for a fresh start. Move far away and
[8:30] Speaker 3: start your life. I think it'll feel good to start fresh.
[8:32] Speaker 4: Anyway.
[8:33] Speaker 3: If you love your apartment and you're like, my lease
[8:36] Speaker 3: is almost up, but I don't want to go anywhere.
[8:37] Speaker 3: I love this place, then you're just gonna have to
[8:41] Speaker 3: put your biggest girl panties on and you're gonna it's
[8:46] Speaker 3: it's gonna be a process where you're eventually gonna one
[8:50] Speaker 3: day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna feel nothing
[8:52] Speaker 3: about this girl.
[8:53] Speaker 1: For sure, you're.
[8:53] Speaker 3: Gonna be like, Wow, I can't believe I spent so
[8:55] Speaker 3: much time missing her and thinking about this so much.
[9:00] Speaker 3: But in the time that you're in right now, you
[9:01] Speaker 3: are thinking about her. So I think when you see her,
[9:05] Speaker 3: you know, you just have to put on a brave
[9:08] Speaker 3: face and say hello or whatever you need to do.
[9:11] Speaker 1: And what I just I can't even imagine that would
[9:15] Speaker 1: just be so brilleft.
[9:16] Speaker 3: Well, if you're hearing things due to sharing a wall, sublet.
[9:22] Speaker 4: You gotta get out of you, got it. There's no
[9:25] Speaker 4: peace from that.
[9:27] Speaker 3: And unfortunately, dear Banya is not able to help with
[9:30] Speaker 3: that level of Yeah, I'm a firm.
[9:32] Speaker 6: Believer in.
[9:35] Speaker 1: What's the what's the saying like, uh, forget, forget, like
[9:40] Speaker 1: you can't see it, like unfollow, mute, out of side,
[9:43] Speaker 1: out of my sight, out of mind, And if you're
[9:45] Speaker 1: seeing this person every day, it's like, how are you
[9:49] Speaker 1: gonna get over it?
[9:50] Speaker 3: I really do believe in the power of out of sight,
[9:53] Speaker 3: out of minds, because once you're not reminded of something
[9:55] Speaker 3: every day, your brain naturally tends to forget, to move
[9:59] Speaker 3: on and so and the thing is, we don't know
[10:01] Speaker 3: if this new girl is. They're just like hanging out
[10:04] Speaker 3: and hooking. Flash the pan, yeah, flashing the pan.
[10:08] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[10:09] Speaker 4: So oh I see, just watch the next level stuff.
[10:12] Speaker 3: So I feel like when depending on when your leases
[10:19] Speaker 3: and how long this thing lasts, because it could be
[10:22] Speaker 3: a fling, it could be a thing, but you deserve
[10:28] Speaker 3: to have peace and the space to move on and
[10:31] Speaker 3: you you obviously can't make anyone else move out or
[10:34] Speaker 3: stop showing up. So I think the power is in
[10:37] Speaker 3: your hands of how you how you go about this.
[10:40] Speaker 3: If you're able to find a new place, amazing, even
[10:42] Speaker 3: if it's in the same building. What if you found
[10:44] Speaker 3: a place, a couple floors up.
[10:46] Speaker 1: Still bad, but you know what, there's there are things
[10:49] Speaker 1: in life that you cannot control. You can only control
[10:51] Speaker 1: your emotions and how you react to them. And this
[10:53] Speaker 1: is your time, Marcie, to step up.
[10:56] Speaker 3: Marcy, you're about to be the baddest be I'm just
[11:01] Speaker 3: gonna say it, the baddest bitch in this apartment complaxt
[11:06] Speaker 3: and you need to stand your ground. You are so
[11:10] Speaker 3: worthy of a relationship and you're just because it wasn't
[11:14] Speaker 3: her doesn't mean it's not going to be someone amazing
[11:16] Speaker 3: that shows up and that fills your home with love.
[11:20] Speaker 3: And I hope that whether or not you stay or
[11:24] Speaker 3: go or whatever you choose, that you take your power
[11:27] Speaker 3: in this situation and allow yourself to be the bigger
[11:32] Speaker 3: person when you need to be, and also like own yourself,
[11:36] Speaker 3: own your power.
[11:37] Speaker 1: Yes, and I'm.
[11:38] Speaker 4: Also sorry you're going through this because it's.
[11:40] Speaker 1: Something hell actual health h double hockey stix.
[11:44] Speaker 3: We love you, should we do? Excited bride? Yes, Okay,
[11:48] Speaker 3: let's take a break and we'll be right back.
[12:06] Speaker 4: We are.
[12:10] Speaker 6: I didn't know I should wait for permission to read
[12:12] Speaker 6: the email.
[12:13] Speaker 4: You don't have to wait, Okay, Well, thank.
[12:15] Speaker 5: You for that, as promised an excited bride. Hi Begatania
[12:20] Speaker 5: Mark in Easton. Thank you for literally always making me
[12:24] Speaker 5: laugh on my commute to work. Your energy is magnetic
[12:26] Speaker 5: and I love starting my day with some laughter. I
[12:28] Speaker 5: love that these emails begin with a compliment. That's a
[12:30] Speaker 5: great format. Get us off on the right foot. I
[12:32] Speaker 5: need advice on a wedding guest list dilemma. I'm getting
[12:35] Speaker 5: married in September and I sent save the dates in November.
[12:37] Speaker 5: We're inviting one hundred and fifty six people, and while
[12:40] Speaker 5: our parents were great about not pushing extra guests, many
[12:43] Speaker 5: of their friends that ended up on the list because
[12:45] Speaker 5: we genuinely like them. That said, adding anyone else at
[12:48] Speaker 5: this point is very expensive, although there are about ten
[12:50] Speaker 5: more people I want to invite. My mom asked me
[12:53] Speaker 5: to invite my godmother, who's a longtime family friend through
[12:55] Speaker 5: my grandparents. I see her maybe once a year. I
[12:57] Speaker 5: barely know her now and i've never met her. Husban
[13:00] Speaker 5: that I sent them a save the date because it
[13:01] Speaker 5: seemed reasonable. Recently, my mom mentioned that I don't actually
[13:05] Speaker 5: need to invite her anymore, and now I'm stuck. I
[13:08] Speaker 5: feel awkward with sending the invite, But I much rather
[13:10] Speaker 5: use those two spots for people I'm closer to. I
[13:13] Speaker 5: don't even have her phone number, I'm not sending an
[13:15] Speaker 5: Not sending an invitation feels wrong, but so just keeping
[13:17] Speaker 5: her on the list and hoping she declines, what would
[13:19] Speaker 5: you do? Thank you xoxo and excited bride trying to
[13:23] Speaker 5: invite her favorite people without hurting feelings. And I am
[13:26] Speaker 5: an endpath, I'm.
[13:29] Speaker 1: I'm a clearers day.
[13:31] Speaker 4: I know what you're going to say, Well, you just
[13:32] Speaker 4: pay for the extra two people.
[13:34] Speaker 1: No, I mean, if you send the save the date,
[13:36] Speaker 1: you can't not invite them to the wedding, right and statistically,
[13:41] Speaker 1: even let's say all one hundred and fifty six people
[13:44] Speaker 1: were r RCP that they're coming, there's usually a couple
[13:47] Speaker 1: of people. I don't know if this is destination or
[13:49] Speaker 1: if this is like local that do drop off like
[13:52] Speaker 1: right before the wedding. So you're going to be down
[13:56] Speaker 1: a couple than you think you're going to be down
[13:59] Speaker 1: a couple of heads.
[14:01] Speaker 4: That's good advice.
[14:02] Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't send to save the day not giving them.
[14:05] Speaker 3: I don't think there's a world where you can rescind
[14:07] Speaker 3: that recent.
[14:08] Speaker 1: Rescind with this c But let this be a less
[14:15] Speaker 1: blessed lesson for anybody out there, A good lesson. Be
[14:21] Speaker 1: very mindful. You can always add people to your list,
[14:25] Speaker 1: but you cannot subtract. Looking at you, Becca, Oh that's right, Yeah.
[14:31] Speaker 4: That's right.
[14:31] Speaker 3: You got to be very intentional with the guest list. Yeah, yeah,
[14:36] Speaker 3: I think you have to have to have them.
[14:39] Speaker 4: I also say, just go ahead and invite.
[14:40] Speaker 1: The other two people that you like and want, yeah,
[14:43] Speaker 1: like if you want.
[14:44] Speaker 4: Like the whole.
[14:45] Speaker 3: What I loved about Tonya's wedding was that as if
[14:48] Speaker 3: she's not here. What I loved about Tonya and Robbie's
[14:50] Speaker 3: wedding was that it felt like they all the people
[14:53] Speaker 3: that were there were people they wanted to be there.
[14:55] Speaker 4: Like it didn't feel like there was this.
[14:57] Speaker 3: Like cloud of like, oh I wish I hadn't invited
[15:00] Speaker 3: someone else or not invited these people. It just felt
[15:03] Speaker 3: like everyone there was like a vibe for sure.
[15:07] Speaker 1: So that's exactly how we did it.
[15:08] Speaker 4: We didn't invite.
[15:10] Speaker 1: There was no like, well, she doesn't want to invite
[15:13] Speaker 1: Jus doesn't want to invite the godmother, which is what
[15:15] Speaker 1: she's saying. There was no that we invited to our
[15:17] Speaker 1: wedding that we didn't want to invite.
[15:18] Speaker 4: I know, but I'm saying she already did so yeah,
[15:20] Speaker 4: I'm just you got to see it through. You got
[15:22] Speaker 4: to see it through. You got to cross your fingers.
[15:25] Speaker 3: That she hasn't come a week of busy plans that
[15:28] Speaker 3: weekend you can't cancel. And then I say, just invite
[15:31] Speaker 3: the people that you want to be there and it'll
[15:34] Speaker 3: work out. At the very least, you have to pay
[15:36] Speaker 3: for them, which at the end of the day, you're
[15:38] Speaker 3: already blurting on a wedding.
[15:41] Speaker 1: Yeah, why not one hundred and fifty six people. So
[15:44] Speaker 1: this is not going to be a cheap wedding.
[15:46] Speaker 3: No, you're gonna have a You're gonna get to have
[15:47] Speaker 3: a couple. Having a couple people there is more important
[15:51] Speaker 3: than extra money that you're going to pay. At the
[15:55] Speaker 3: end of the day, you're not going to look back
[15:56] Speaker 3: and be like, oh, I spent extra money on these people.
[15:58] Speaker 3: You're gonna be like, I'm so happy they were there.
[16:00] Speaker 3: But I don't think you're going to have to do that. Yeah,
[16:02] Speaker 3: I think it's all going to fall into place. Yeah,
[16:04] Speaker 3: and congratulations, exciting.
[16:07] Speaker 1: September is still kind of Far Away actually.
[16:12] Speaker 4: This year, though it is this year and before you
[16:15] Speaker 4: know it, it will. We're so happy for you, love you.
[16:21] Speaker 4: Did you want to do? Anxiously attached?
[16:22] Speaker 1: Anxiously attached?
[16:23] Speaker 4: Okay, okay, okay.
[16:26] Speaker 5: Hey beca Tanya Mark and Easton d one scrubbery here.
[16:29] Speaker 5: I could really use some advice about my boyfriend of
[16:31] Speaker 5: three years and knowing when to walk away. No compliment there, interesting,
[16:36] Speaker 5: I'm just kidding. Aniously attached to Gubber.
[16:38] Speaker 6: I'm sorry about that.
[16:39] Speaker 5: I'm similar to Tanya and that I value personal growth, discipline,
[16:42] Speaker 5: and energy. And I've wanted a life partner for a
[16:43] Speaker 5: long time after years of bad dates in my twenties.
[16:46] Speaker 5: I met my current partner at thirty I'm now thirty three,
[16:49] Speaker 5: he's thirty five, and we both say we want marriage
[16:51] Speaker 5: and kids.
[16:52] Speaker 6: The problem is timing.
[16:54] Speaker 5: He's been slow at every relationship step because he's very
[16:57] Speaker 5: thoughtful and wants to be completely sure before making decisions.
[17:00] Speaker 5: I'm the opposite. I know early on that I wanted
[17:03] Speaker 5: to marry him, that wo'd be good partners. This waiting
[17:05] Speaker 5: season is really hard for me. It's increasing my anxiety,
[17:08] Speaker 5: especially because I worry he's taking too long He's told
[17:11] Speaker 5: me that asking about engagement makes him feel pressured.
[17:14] Speaker 6: He's avoidant.
[17:14] Speaker 5: I'm anxiously attached, and I know that pressure makes him
[17:17] Speaker 5: pull back. I don't want to push him, but I
[17:19] Speaker 5: also want to honor my own timeline. Starting over at
[17:22] Speaker 5: thirty three feels overwhelming. I have to grieve this relationship,
[17:25] Speaker 5: meet someone new, and still think about having kids. That
[17:28] Speaker 5: thought sends me into a spiral and makes it hard
[17:29] Speaker 5: to show up as my best self. Our lives are
[17:32] Speaker 5: so intertwined at this point that walking away would feel
[17:34] Speaker 5: like a divorce. How long would you wait for someone
[17:36] Speaker 5: to commit? What would you do?
[17:38] Speaker 6: From an anxiously attached scrubber.
[17:40] Speaker 3: This could have been Tanya rad riding into Dear Vonya
[17:44] Speaker 3: a few years ago at.
[17:46] Speaker 1: Thirty thirty, literally at thirty Yeah, spoiler alert, SI a
[17:50] Speaker 1: couple of years to get there all you go for? Sorry,
[17:54] Speaker 1: anxiously attached scrubber. The thought that to think that you're
[17:59] Speaker 1: even thinking about walking it feels so silly to me
[18:01] Speaker 1: because I think that it's very rare to find two
[18:05] Speaker 1: people that are exactly on the exact same page want
[18:08] Speaker 1: to do things at the exact same time. You're two
[18:10] Speaker 1: different people approaching it in from two different paths. Who
[18:15] Speaker 1: knows why he's making why he's slow, but I'm sure
[18:19] Speaker 1: there's reason for it. Obviously you probably can give us
[18:21] Speaker 1: all the context in this email. But I think you
[18:24] Speaker 1: just have to trust that when he says he wants
[18:26] Speaker 1: marriage and kids with you, that he wouldn't just say that.
[18:30] Speaker 1: You have to trust your partner and know that he's
[18:32] Speaker 1: going to do it when it feels right for him.
[18:35] Speaker 1: And if you want to take his phone and start
[18:38] Speaker 1: saying when he's like in the bathroom, engagement rings or
[18:41] Speaker 1: engagement in my pop up in his algorithm, and then
[18:45] Speaker 1: you might take it as a sign. I don't know.
[18:46] Speaker 1: I'm just throwing it out there.
[18:48] Speaker 4: Not that it's not something you did personally.
[18:51] Speaker 1: I wasn't like with ring, engagement rings, emerald cuts, engagement engagement,
[18:56] Speaker 1: beautiful engagements.
[18:58] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[18:58] Speaker 4: Yeah.
[18:58] Speaker 3: I also think, like, if this is the person you
[19:00] Speaker 3: want to spend the rest of your life with, don't
[19:02] Speaker 3: you have to trust what he says? Like isn't that
[19:05] Speaker 3: such a huge part of choosing your person as trusting
[19:07] Speaker 3: that they're gonna follow through with what they say? Yeah,
[19:10] Speaker 3: And like if he's trying to plan this and you're
[19:13] Speaker 3: just bombarding him with questions about it. It's kind of
[19:16] Speaker 3: taking probably the fun and joy out of him getting
[19:21] Speaker 3: to do that and surprise you. So I would just say,
[19:24] Speaker 3: let yourself rest in the comfort of knowing that you
[19:27] Speaker 3: have someone if you trust his word, if that's something
[19:30] Speaker 3: that is important to you in this relationship, and you
[19:33] Speaker 3: trust his words, then trust that it's gonna happen and
[19:37] Speaker 3: he's going to do it and make it special for you.
[19:39] Speaker 3: But don't ruin it for yourself, like, let it be
[19:41] Speaker 3: a surprise and let it be.
[19:43] Speaker 1: Yeah, I would be worried if he wasn't saying he
[19:45] Speaker 1: wants marriage and kids with you, But he's literally saying that.
[19:49] Speaker 4: So that's what I'm saying.
[19:50] Speaker 3: If if this is someone you trust and he follows
[19:53] Speaker 3: through with his words, then you can trust that he's
[19:56] Speaker 3: gonna do it for you. And I also think I
[19:59] Speaker 3: think about how well Tanya waited and she let Robbie
[20:03] Speaker 3: know that she was ready for years, and he was
[20:07] Speaker 3: very thoughtful with every step in y'all's relationship, you know everything.
[20:11] Speaker 3: You were like ready, chomping at the bit, and he
[20:14] Speaker 3: took his time. He didn't let you pressure him, And
[20:17] Speaker 3: that sounds.
[20:18] Speaker 4: Like we shirt, and that sounds like what this guy.
[20:21] Speaker 3: Has a similar personality and how he's moving in this relationship.
[20:25] Speaker 1: But I think it's important to note that if he
[20:27] Speaker 1: is this way like Robbie, I'm just equating him to
[20:30] Speaker 1: Robbi because this is kind of how he was. If
[20:35] Speaker 1: he were to do something just because you're forcing him
[20:38] Speaker 1: to or he feels pressure to, that leads to resentment. Yes,
[20:41] Speaker 1: so at the end of the day, you do have
[20:43] Speaker 1: to trust your partner and that they're doing things in
[20:46] Speaker 1: their own time, because if they feel pressure to do
[20:48] Speaker 1: something because of you, that's where resentment builds. And that's
[20:52] Speaker 1: the type of thing that you can't put back into
[20:53] Speaker 1: a jar, like once the resentment starts to build, like,
[20:56] Speaker 1: that's not good.
[20:57] Speaker 3: I also feel like, because you mentioned y'all are avoidant
[21:01] Speaker 3: versus anxious, I really think like couple's therapy are counseling.
[21:05] Speaker 3: It could be really helpful because that Haley and I are. Haley,
[21:09] Speaker 3: especially at the beginning of our relationship, was more anxious
[21:12] Speaker 3: and I'm more avoidant, and that was something that just
[21:15] Speaker 3: learning how to communicate and navigate each other really helps
[21:18] Speaker 3: so much just with that in general, outside of the
[21:21] Speaker 3: proposal stuff. But it's gonna happen, and don't leave him
[21:25] Speaker 3: just because it's not happening at your time.
[21:28] Speaker 1: No, gosh, that would be the worst thing to do.
[21:31] Speaker 4: Yeah, he loves you, and let him.
[21:33] Speaker 3: Let him do this, and let it be a fun
[21:35] Speaker 3: time and let it be a surprise and trust him
[21:37] Speaker 3: because you're going to marry this man.
[21:39] Speaker 1: Yeah, you can honor your own timeline by allowing it
[21:46] Speaker 1: to be flexible. Did that make sense? Yeah, because she
[21:52] Speaker 1: says she wants to honor her own timeline, like I
[21:54] Speaker 1: want to have kids and I want to get married
[21:55] Speaker 1: by let me tell you something.
[21:57] Speaker 4: You did that too. How did you like go of that?
[22:01] Speaker 1: How did I like go that? I mean, my timeline
[22:04] Speaker 1: was like twenty six that I wanted to be married by.
[22:06] Speaker 3: So like timeline, you were still trying to honor your
[22:11] Speaker 3: timeline with Robbie.
[22:13] Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I did give him some I
[22:15] Speaker 1: did give him an ultimatum. I was like, if you
[22:17] Speaker 1: don't propose by jan one. I can't remember what it was,
[22:20] Speaker 1: I think, but he didn't, And I say.
[22:22] Speaker 4: There, yeah, it was a false alarm.
[22:24] Speaker 1: But he knew that. No, we have like a certain
[22:27] Speaker 1: we have like a family medical situation going on that
[22:31] Speaker 1: kind of held up art proposal, which I totally stood
[22:36] Speaker 1: by him and I agreed with. But yeah, you just
[22:39] Speaker 1: kind of have to roll with the punches. Timelines, who
[22:43] Speaker 1: needs them?
[22:43] Speaker 4: Eh, It's just a construct, you know.
[22:46] Speaker 5: Does an ultimatum need to happen at a certain point
[22:49] Speaker 5: though I can't hurt.
[22:50] Speaker 4: No, here's the thing you can't hurt. Here's the thing.
[22:53] Speaker 3: I don't know that it helps in terms of like,
[22:56] Speaker 3: I don't know if that it helps anything. It might
[22:58] Speaker 3: make her feel less anxious of being Okay, I got
[23:00] Speaker 3: this off my chest, like, but Tanya was all talk.
[23:03] Speaker 4: She'd be like I need to.
[23:05] Speaker 3: Honor myself and what I want, and I'm like, you're
[23:08] Speaker 3: not going anywhere.
[23:09] Speaker 1: Yes, actually Christmas, I think I gave him the jan
[23:12] Speaker 1: one date of like proposal and then and he got
[23:16] Speaker 1: me the promise ring on Christmas and I was like, oh,
[23:19] Speaker 1: this is so bad. So yeah, it's like salt in
[23:22] Speaker 1: the wound.
[23:23] Speaker 6: I mean, I had to kind of do like I
[23:26] Speaker 6: wanted to.
[23:27] Speaker 5: I knew I wanted to propose to Alison, but in
[23:29] Speaker 5: my head, I was like, well, I want I need
[23:31] Speaker 5: to be like making this much money for all those things,
[23:33] Speaker 5: and I wanted to move in with her, and she
[23:36] Speaker 5: was like, I'm not going to move in with anyone
[23:38] Speaker 5: unless I'm engaged.
[23:39] Speaker 6: I was like, looks like a ring is in the.
[23:42] Speaker 5: Shop a cart, And then I did it and it
[23:45] Speaker 5: was the best decision I've ever made.
[23:47] Speaker 1: Yeah, are they living together? Did she tell us in
[23:50] Speaker 1: the email? I don't think she told us. I don't
[23:54] Speaker 1: think I held out too. I didn't fully move in
[23:56] Speaker 1: until we were engaged.
[23:58] Speaker 3: I think that if you have a time, I mean,
[24:01] Speaker 3: obviously we are women, and if you're wanting to have
[24:05] Speaker 3: kids like that, you do have to think about time.
[24:08] Speaker 3: So I think if you want to communicate, and maybe
[24:10] Speaker 3: this is something you'll do like with a therapist or
[24:12] Speaker 3: counselor where you can say, like, my fear is that
[24:15] Speaker 3: I'm going to get to a certain age and I'm
[24:19] Speaker 3: going to be frantically trying to figure out what my
[24:22] Speaker 3: next step in life is because I'm still waiting on
[24:24] Speaker 3: an engagement and that makes me anxious.
[24:27] Speaker 4: And then let him be able to tell you, like,
[24:31] Speaker 4: I know your timeline.
[24:32] Speaker 3: He probably knows the obviously he knows that you're waiting,
[24:36] Speaker 3: so like maybe it needs to be just communication of
[24:39] Speaker 3: like I'm not anxious I'm not just anxious because I
[24:43] Speaker 3: want to rush this and get married. I'm anxious because
[24:45] Speaker 3: I do have to think of my biological clock like unfortunately,
[24:50] Speaker 3: that's a reality. And so I think it's just more
[24:53] Speaker 3: so letting him in on why you have a timeline
[24:58] Speaker 3: and then letting him calm those anxieties and fears. Yeah,
[25:03] Speaker 3: because he should be able to at least go. I understand,
[25:06] Speaker 3: and I'm not going to make you.
[25:08] Speaker 4: I'm not going to.
[25:08] Speaker 1: Put you believe you're not going to be anxiously attached
[25:10] Speaker 1: at some point. I believe that. I feel like I'm
[25:13] Speaker 1: securely attached now.
[25:15] Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean I would hope.
[25:17] Speaker 3: So I do hope that once you have a wedding
[25:21] Speaker 3: and lock it in, that you.
[25:25] Speaker 4: Find security.
[25:27] Speaker 1: It doesn't happen for everybody, no, but I'm.
[25:29] Speaker 3: Happy it happened for you, and I feel like it's
[25:31] Speaker 3: going to happen for our anxiousnes.
[25:32] Speaker 1: I do too.
[25:33] Speaker 4: Okay, we have one more so we're going to take
[25:35] Speaker 4: a break and we'll be right back. We're back, Okay.
[25:55] Speaker 3: So I asked this question on Instagram and then someone
[25:58] Speaker 3: brought it. Someone brought it to dear Bonia, So Easton,
[26:03] Speaker 3: you want to read.
[26:03] Speaker 6: It I do. Uh, Becky.
[26:06] Speaker 5: You posted on Instagram asking Haley, if you could play
[26:08] Speaker 5: a role in any movie, what would it be, and
[26:10] Speaker 5: you said Kate Winslet and Titanic.
[26:12] Speaker 6: Why was that?
[26:13] Speaker 3: I just feel like I was so obsessed with young
[26:17] Speaker 3: like Leonardo DiCaprio in that movie. And I also it's
[26:20] Speaker 3: one of my favorite movies of all time, and I
[26:22] Speaker 3: just feel like it's so iconic, it stands the test
[26:24] Speaker 3: of time. I love the costumes. I just thought it
[26:28] Speaker 3: it's just amazing. It's it's such an epicic though. Yeah,
[26:33] Speaker 3: but it's a movie. Yeah, I mean it really did happen.
[26:36] Speaker 3: But like the love, you know, the love story of
[26:37] Speaker 3: it is a movie. I just think it would be
[26:40] Speaker 3: so iconic to get to play that role. What would
[26:43] Speaker 3: you choose, either of you? Marty Supreme, I'd probably.
[26:47] Speaker 1: Choose Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. The answer
[26:52] Speaker 1: not the movie, the series.
[26:53] Speaker 4: This is a movie. Oh my gosh, my series was friends?
[26:59] Speaker 1: Oh, Rachel, Yeah, I guess movie, and you know I'm
[27:02] Speaker 1: gonna do the I was thinking about Kate Winslet for
[27:05] Speaker 1: some reason because you said her, and I was thinking
[27:08] Speaker 1: the holiday. Oh that's being Cameron Diaz that's a good one,
[27:13] Speaker 1: you know, like she's like, oh, then yeah, and then
[27:16] Speaker 1: she's like swept away by a handsome Jude Law.
[27:19] Speaker 4: That's a really good one.
[27:20] Speaker 3: Another really good one I heard was Kate beckhenceell in
[27:24] Speaker 3: Pearl Harbor.
[27:24] Speaker 6: Oh, that's a good one.
[27:26] Speaker 1: I never saw Pearl Harbor.
[27:27] Speaker 3: Wow, Tania, please take this a moment and watch it.
[27:33] Speaker 1: How long is it?
[27:35] Speaker 4: I don't know.
[27:35] Speaker 3: Split it up into two nights if it's too long,
[27:38] Speaker 3: but it is amazing yours Easton.
[27:42] Speaker 5: I mean, I think I have to go with Marty
[27:44] Speaker 5: mcflyan back to the future.
[27:45] Speaker 6: I want to sit in that car.
[27:47] Speaker 5: I want to walk around in the town I want
[27:49] Speaker 5: to wear the costumes.
[27:50] Speaker 6: That's that's what I would choose.
[27:52] Speaker 4: Is there a set you can visit for that?
[27:53] Speaker 6: There is?
[27:54] Speaker 5: Oh really, yeah, the Universal Studios. There's the town Square
[27:57] Speaker 5: is still there.
[27:58] Speaker 1: You know, there's a house else that they filmed. It
[28:01] Speaker 1: is like somewhere close by here in like Studio City.
[28:04] Speaker 1: And Robbie loves that movie. And I remember like one
[28:06] Speaker 1: of our like it was like early days, and I
[28:08] Speaker 1: was like, I'm going to take you on a surprise.
[28:10] Speaker 1: I like blindfolded him or something, and like took him
[28:13] Speaker 1: to this house and he was like, where are we Like,
[28:15] Speaker 1: what are we do? He's like, oh is the fact
[28:19] Speaker 1: to the future house.
[28:21] Speaker 4: Having to explain the surprise. It's tough. Appreciated the thought.
[28:27] Speaker 6: Yeah, I did.
[28:29] Speaker 5: Actually, I think was when we went to Palm Springs
[28:31] Speaker 5: for the Airbnb thing. Yeah, I took I said Alison,
[28:35] Speaker 5: I have a surprise for you, and I took her
[28:36] Speaker 5: to the neighborhood from Don't Worry Darling and she was
[28:39] Speaker 5: so blown away, she was so excited.
[28:41] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, immediately.
[28:44] Speaker 4: Not everyone has that experience surprise.
[28:47] Speaker 6: I admired the effort.
[28:48] Speaker 4: Yeah, the effort was there, Tonya. The thoughtfulness was there.
[28:51] Speaker 1: It matters.
[28:54] Speaker 3: That's all for today, folks, Another podcast down the hatch.
[28:59] Speaker 4: We hope you enjoyed it.
[29:00] Speaker 1: We hope it only gets better.
[29:02] Speaker 4: We hope it only goes up from here.
[29:06] Speaker 3: If you ever have questions, comments, concerns, less comments, I
[29:11] Speaker 3: mean less concerns, but if you have them, you can
[29:14] Speaker 3: d m us on Instagram at scrubbing in pod or
[29:16] Speaker 3: email us at scrubbing in at iHeartMedia dot com.
[29:20] Speaker 4: Holy Tonia just going so.
[29:22] Speaker 1: Bad waiting for the copy to hit.
[29:27] Speaker 3: We love y'all so much. We'll be back Monday, have
[29:31] Speaker 3: a wonderful weekend.
[29:33] Speaker 1: Love you, bye bye

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