# What Couples Get Wrong About Parenting Alignment | Martina Nova (Bonus Episode)

An episode of [Minimalist Moms Podcast | Purposeful Life & Parenting Tips](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1159498258), 18 Jun 2026, 36 min.

Audio: https://prefix.up.audio/s/pdst.fm/e/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/pscrb.fm/rss/p/clrtpod.com/m/mgln.ai/e/35/audio2.redcircle.com/episodes/e922a882-45a7-4053-8d51-5a9392662c23/stream.mp3

Parenthood has a way of revealing parts of ourselves we didn't know existed. It can strengthen relationships, expose old wounds, and challenge even the most connected couples. In this conversation, Diane sits down with therapist, author, and mother of two, Martina Nova, to discuss how parents can stay connected and aligned through the ever-changing seasons of family life. Drawing from her new book, Same Page Parenting, Martina shares practical conversation starters and insights designed to help couples navigate parenting with greater intention, compassion, and confidence. Together, they explore the emotional realities of raising children in today's world - from the invisible mental load and shifting identities of parenthood to attachment patterns, neurodivergence, and the challenges of co-parenting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Links Discussed in This Episode | • Checkout the podcast storefront for recommendations from Diane. • Subscribe to the Minimalist Moms Youtube Channel • Book: Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be • Connect with Martina • Website • Instagram • Facebook • Book: Same Page Parenting: Align with Your Partner to Raise Happy, Confident, and Resilient Kids About Martina | Martina Nova is a registered clinical counselor, trauma-informed therapist, speaker, and author based in British Columbia, Canada. She specializes in ADHD, attachment wounds, people-pleasing, early trauma, and the emotional realities of motherhood and relationships. Martina is the founder of NovaCare Therapy and regularly speaks at conferences, writes educational material for clinicians and parents, and creates practical, compassionate resources. She is also the author of Supporting Your Partner Postpartum and Therapy Buddy. Originally from Slovakia, Martina immigrated to Canada as a child. She is also a mother of two, blending clinical expertise with lived experience to help people feel seen, supported, and more connected. Episode Sponsors | The Minimalist Moms Podcast would not be possible without the support of weekly sponsors. Choosing brands that I believe in is important to me. I only want to recommend brands that I believe may help you in your daily life. As always, never feel pressured into buying anything. Remember: if you don't need it, it's not a good deal! Enjoy the Podcast? Post a review and share it! If you enjoyed tuning into this podcast, then do not hesitate to write a review. You can also share this with your fellow mothers so that they can be inspired to think more and do with less. Order (or review) my book, Minimalist Moms: Living & Parenting With Simplicity. You can contact me through my website, find me on Instagram, Pinterest or like The Minimalist Moms Page on Facebook. Our Sponsors: * Check out BetterHelp and use my code betterhelp.com for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com * Check out Cure Hydration and use my code MINIMALIST for a great deal: https://www.curehydration.com * Check out DeleteMe and use my code joindeleteme.com/MINIMALIST for a great deal: https://joindeleteme.com * Check out Wayfair: https://www.wayfair.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

## Transcript

[0:00] \[SPEAKER_01\]: For those of you that are new around here, I released bonus episodes that serve a niche part of my audience.
[0:04] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So if this content is something that doesn't fit what you're looking for, check out the other episodes that drop this week or join me back here next week for episodes that you don't want to miss.
[0:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: In the clinical work that I do is my clients, I work with individuals and couples, and even though what seems to be an argument about the dishes, any couple therapists will be like, it's not about the dishes.
[0:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: we actually start to see that there are so many patterns underneath conflict and making decisions and talking through vulnerabilities and what we're afraid of and what is actually governing our responses when we are in conflict.
[0:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But have nothing to do with the current situation and everything to do with how we want to be seen and heard and understood.
[0:46] \[SPEAKER_01\]: This is Diane Bowden, and you're listening to the minimalist mom's podcast.
[0:50] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Parenthood has a way of revealing parts of ourselves that we didn't know existed.
[0:54] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It can strengthen relationships, expose old wounds, and challenge even the most connected couples.
[1:00] \[SPEAKER_01\]: In today's conversation, I sit down with therapist, author, and mother of two, Martina Nova, to discuss how parents can stay connected and aligned through the ever-changing seasons of family life.
[1:11] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Drawing from her new book, same-page parenting,
[1:14] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Martina shares practical conversation starters and insights designed to help couples navigate parenting with greater intention, compassion and confidence.
[1:22] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We'll get to the episode in just a moment, but I want to encourage you if you have yet to leave a rating and review for the minimalist mom's podcast.
[1:28] \[SPEAKER_01\]: To pause the episode, it only takes a brief moment or two, but this is one of the best ways you can help the podcast continue to succeed and grow.
[1:35] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It means so much to me that you show up episode after episode week after week to hear from the wide variety of guests that I feature on the show.
[1:44] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And with that, let's get into this conversation with Martina.
[1:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We're going to be talking about your book today, same page parenting, align with your partner to race, happy, confident, and resilient kids.
[2:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Thanks so much for joining me.
[2:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Thank you so much for having me, Diane.
[2:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's so good to be here.
[2:05] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Why didn't you tell me a little bit more about how this book came to be, and a little bit more about yourself?
[2:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: of course.
[2:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So my name is Martina.
[2:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm a therapist in Vancouver BC.
[2:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm a mum of two.
[2:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm a co-parent and I wrote a book called St. Peach Parenting and what it is is it's a bit different than most parenting books in that.
[2:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not a how to manual of how to parent and give you exactly what you need to do, but it's actually conversations starters on a variety of different topics for parents, co-parents, even friends, family members that they can talk about.
[2:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And discuss some of the topics that are less.
[2:47] \[SPEAKER_00\]: scene when it comes to what's important after we have kids or even before we have kids that we see what kind of baggage are we bringing into our relationship and how is it going to show up when we have kids and what are some of the values that we want to instill in our kids live not necessarily do everything the exact same but where do those values come from?
[3:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What are
[3:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: what are some conversations we can talk about that are more than just one is the last time the baby pooped or what kind of nipples should we get on our bottles or what should our feeding schedule be but other topics that get into the heart of
[3:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Humanity and get into the heart of what kind of parents and what kind of values do we want to instill in our kids and help our kids see that We are on the same page or at least trying our best to be an organ and mess up sometimes But we're also going to show them it's okay to make mistakes So 13 chapters different conversation starters for a variety of ages whether before you've had kids You're in the depths of newborn stage or even up to adult children as well
[3:53] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, I mean, I think that two people can be on the same page after they get married.
[3:59] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like typically you're on the same page for a while and that honeymoon phase.
[4:01] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And then yeah, you throw a kid into the mix and then you just never realize how not aligned you both are where do couples start to drift apart?
[4:09] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I guess why and then how do they start to get back on the same page?
[4:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah, great questions.
[4:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So.
[4:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'll maybe even start by saying a few of the reasons why I even wrote the book in the first place where I saw that there was a need for this kind of book was both in my own lived experience but also in the clinical work that I do with my clients.
[4:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So in the clinical work that I do with my clients, I work with individuals and couples.
[4:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And even though what seems to be an argument about the dishes, any couple therapists will be like, it's not about the dishes.
[4:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: we actually start to see that there are so many patterns underneath conflict in making decisions and talking through vulnerabilities and what we're afraid of and what is actually governing our responses when we are in conflict.
[4:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But have nothing to do with the current situation and everything to do with how we want to be seen and heard and understood.
[5:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And while there are 13 different chapters,
[5:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: 39 different topics and even the topics themselves like the questions are designed in a way that are going to get under me things like you know growing up
[5:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How did I witness conflict in my home, or what's important for me when it comes to emotional awareness for my kids?
[5:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Or if my kid is near a divergent and they're struggling, how do we want to respond to that?
[5:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How are we going to advocate for them?
[5:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Or a variety of different topics where we actually want to show that
[5:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When we are going to be talking about, what does it need to be on the same page and why is it important?
[5:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And why do these things come up after we have kids?
[5:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Is because we don't talk about, not every couple talks about their upbringing or even has awareness as to how does society or how does culture or how does patriarchy or how does capitalism affect the way that we have to show up in our family systems today?
[6:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And what are we going to be repeating unless we bring it out on the table?
[6:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: the questions or therapy level questions that I would ask my own clients in session.
[6:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Then still many times I'd be at the end of the session.
[6:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm like, we really guys, I wanted to ask you another one, but I'm going to email it to you.
[6:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So please have this conversation if you feel like you can, and then we'll talk about how it went afterwards.
[6:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So to answer a question, you don't have to go to therapy.
[6:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: However, a lot of these questions are designed in a way
[6:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we're going to get, we may get to an impasse where we actually don't agree with the amount of time we want to, our kids to spend on screens, for example, or we might not agree with exactly what we want the bedtime routine to look like.
[7:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But instead of arguing who is right and we can instead use some of the questions like that are in the spoke to recognized.
[7:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Why is this so important to you?
[7:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Is it the fact that we are disagreeing in and of itself or does this go deeper?
[7:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like what was your bedtime routine like growing up?
[7:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Or what are you wanting to instill in our kids that you never got?
[7:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's what we're hitting on here.
[7:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then when we start to see each other and start to empathize and understand where maybe some of the sticking points are coming from, we come at it from more compassionate lens and maybe we compromise and don't
[7:43] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I'm thinking a few of the conversations that keep coming up in my circle of friends or even just for myself, one particular has to do with bedtime routine and the idea of making sure the bedtime routine is is kind of swift and then that person gets back to the spouse and I do think that with everything like you said.
[8:03] \[SPEAKER_01\]: The way that we behave is a symptom of something greater with NS like trauma, like you said, the way that our bedtime routine was, there will always be the outliers of people that just want to control to probably control, which is that probably it's even rooted in something, right?
[8:16] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But I guess you're talking about compromise when we're on the same page.
[8:21] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So you're suggesting maybe if that time at night is no valuable to one partner, finding other times throughout the week so that person feels
[8:30] \[SPEAKER_01\]: valuable and thought of would be maybe something that could help that even time hour.
[8:34] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Does that make sense?
[8:35] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Are you just looking for like ways to compromise?
[8:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah, so are you saying, for example, that one of the reasons why one partner might want to have bedtime shorter is because the evening time is the only time they can connect and therefore that's why it's really important for them and what you're saying is even if at the end of the day we don't end up siding with one or the other maybe we actually look at other opportunities where we can have intimacy and connection throughout that isn't just dependent on that time.
[9:03] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yes.
[9:04] \[SPEAKER_01\]: You said it way more articulate than me.
[9:05] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And what I mean by the outliers, they're always going to be those people that just demand the time, even if they're receiving it on the weekends or in the mornings, like there's always going to be someone that wants to co-op your time and again, that's probably a deeper rooted issue here.
[9:19] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But for someone that just has that normal, like, hey, I haven't seen you all day.
[9:21] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I want you to not have all this time spent when the kids rooms.
[9:24] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, looking for those those areas of compromise are, I guess, required marriage.
[9:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yes, well, and you can bring out such a good point down, which is how even that, like that, such a beautiful way you pose that of like, hey, I noticed that we're missing this connection time, and therefore it would be nice to have more.
[9:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That in, in same-page parenting, chapter six, it's called enhancing intimacy and connection post-baby.
[9:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that exact thing that you just brought up right now,
[9:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: can go so deep and be such an enriching conversation for partners because while maybe on the surface we might say, okay, well I'll make tonight's shorter and tomorrow can be longer.
[10:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: For example, what we're maybe missing is your partner just said, hey I miss you and I want to connect with you more and for a moment what can be helpful in saving each parenting is
[10:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: we actually dive into that a little bit and say, oh, okay.
[10:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So there's specific conversations that are around like, well, what would intimacy look like for you these days?
[10:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Or what do you miss about us?
[10:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, since we've had kids or lives have changed so much, like, maybe it's not just the, into the physical intimacy, also, or emotional intimacy, a shot or,
[10:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: intimacy of us talking about plans or concepts or politics or other things that would get us so connected and so engaged.
[10:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Maybe we also don't have that anymore.
[10:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so it's a deeper conversation around like, whoa, you're noticing that too.
[11:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You missed that too.
[11:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Me too.
[11:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay, I thought I was the only one.
[11:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Let's talk about that.
[11:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Even though yes, we can have a compromise framework where we decide specifically when and where we do connect.
[11:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's also getting underneath that because I feel so many couples and so many individuals feel like I'm wondering, I don't even know if my partner misses us, but I miss us and I miss me and I don't know how to bring it up without them getting
[11:31] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah.
[11:32] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I do want to come back to resentment here, but I want to say this first.
[11:36] \[SPEAKER_01\]: One of the things that has been coming up for me recently is that I have had three babies.
[11:41] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I nurse them all for two years.
[11:43] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So we're pregnant and we're nursing for like a good seven or eight years of my adulthood.
[11:48] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And not to heavily critique men, but they're not going through all those various hormonal shifts.
[11:53] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I kind of want to talk about identity and how parenting reshapes everything.
[11:56] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Again,
[11:59] \[SPEAKER_01\]: that's something that I don't it didn't necessarily put me ahead of my husband I'm not saying that at all it just requires you in such a way and for a man to not have to go through those hormonal shifts it is very different.
[12:10] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So I guess what's my point?
[12:13] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I guess I'm just seeing that in a different way that we aren't on the same page as maybe we once were due to some of those things in some way out of my control.
[12:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yes, yes, and you know what then like the fact that you bring up the hormonal shift and that you feel so alone in that it's out of your control.
[12:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's only something you experience and what I've also seen in when I work with men is a lot of the times men clock it, but then we
[12:42] \[SPEAKER_00\]: they may take a, well, what can I do about it?
[12:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not, I'm not experiencing it.
[12:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So yeah, I don't know what it's like and I don't know how I can help and I don't know what to do and things are just different.
[12:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so I think from there's two sides here right if we're talking heteronormative partnership and we have the mom who is
[13:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: missing her body, who was missing her identity, who was lost in the schedule shifts and the constant demands and being touched out and the up and downs of fluctuations and
[13:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: not to mention like the social demands or the pressures that moms face on how they need to show up on social media and real life, et cetera, there is so much more there.
[13:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And there is a chapter on that in my book as well.
[13:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: When we talk about identity,
[13:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and for women to be able to even ask each other to ask your partner how was your identity shifted since we've had kids and our partner can ask us.
[13:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How was your identity shifted?
[13:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How was your connection to your body change?
[13:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Well really I didn't even recognize that that was a big thing for you.
[13:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Tell me more because there is a lot of lived experiences that women don't have in men don't even know what questions they need to ask because they're like
[14:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's not me.
[14:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can't do anything about it.
[14:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But more often than not a lot of the times, we just want to be understood.
[14:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We just want to be heard.
[14:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We want to be talked to you.
[14:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then maybe through some of these conversations, we can recognize, okay.
[14:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So you haven't had time to nurture these parts of yourself.
[14:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if I'm the man and head or not of partnership hearing this from my partner, I'm going to say,
[14:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I know that one of the things I can do for you for our family is to give you space and to give you time and to take initiative on things and therefore I'm going to take initiative on this.
[14:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm going to plan this for you.
[14:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm going to make it so you don't have these responsibilities so that you can connect with your friends on this evening and so that you can start coming out of the house more depending on how much guilt we have for even doing that in the first place.
[14:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: create solutions to problems that we maybe thought we were having in isolation, but both partners can play a part in naming it and then doing something about it as well.
[15:05] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, absolutely.
[15:06] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I'm really proud to spoke to that.
[15:07] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I don't want to use that as a crunch necessarily.
[15:11] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like, oh, I've burst all these babies and I've gone through these hormonal shifts, but I do think that you pointed out even asking, even asking your partner that didn't go through that experience.
[15:20] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like, how has identity shifted for you?
[15:22] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like, how have you felt?
[15:25] \[SPEAKER_01\]: probably providing for four of us now, that's a lot of way to provide because the bills increased, the grocery bills increased.
[15:32] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We need more space so that is a lot of pressure that I don't have necessarily.
[15:36] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So I think to discredit what the other partner is going through, we can just get so in our own head and then again talking about resentment.
[15:43] \[SPEAKER_01\]: That's where the resentment starts to build because we are focused on ourselves.
[15:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: again, take care of yourself certainly.
[15:49] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But I want to talk about resentment now and when that starts to build, what does a safe realistic place to begin the repair?
[15:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Absolutely.
[15:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: No, this is such a real question.
[15:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I would probably say a safe place to begin repair isn't about like the
[16:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: big issue that's going on because it's usually something smaller, it's more contained and something that's more manageable.
[16:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So what I would probably say is what it looks like in practice is we start with the present, not the entire past.
[16:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So if we are already noticing, I'm starting to feel resentment.
[16:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And this isn't the first time I'm feeling it.
[16:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I've been feeling it for a while and it's been bubbling inside of me.
[16:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And oh my gosh, I'm going to come at it.
[16:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I'm going to name everything at once.
[16:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My partner fully sees the extent of it.
[16:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That can feel really overwhelming.
[16:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So instead of opening up, if there is years of hurt, we want to anchor it to some of these specific and recent, not because the past doesn't matter, but because going straight, there can overwhelm the nervous system on both sides.
[16:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it might sound like,
[16:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Hey, I've been noticing that I've been feeling a bit distantly, and I don't want that between us as opposed to you.
[16:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You've always made me feel like I'm not important or we could say I think I've been holding on to some frustration and it's been hard for me to bring it up or be specific, right?
[17:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like when plans change last minute, I notice I get really overwhelmed and I'd love for us to talk about how we can handle that differently.
[17:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we can bring up the intention very explicitly because a lot of parent child and parent to parent conversations do you real because our parent here's a criticism instead of an attempt to connect.
[17:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So we can say, hey, I'm bringing this up because I care about our relationship and I want it to feel better for both of us.
[17:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so if we're a specific, we name our intention.
[17:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We find that we can ager ourselves to something.
[17:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It can be a lot more helpful with specifically what am I feeling resentment about?
[17:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What do I wish would have been different?
[17:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What we'd realistically hope for going forward and if you're in a partnership or even bringing it up with those gentle kind of bits for connection or those gentle startups We find we get a lot of defensiveness and reactivity from the other side
[18:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: First of all, it's not your job to manage that fully or to even back down and say, okay, whatever, it's not important anyway.
[18:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Maybe this is now pointing at a bigger issue, though.
[18:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I can't bring up this resentment here where I feel hurt, maybe it is important, then this is where you brought up a couple of therapy.
[18:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like maybe we can bring some of this to a couple of therapy, because this is now not just a here and now resentment issue.
[18:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is a communication issue where can we
[18:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: speak with one another and have the other one here what you have to say even if it's actually talking about a way that you felt hurt by them.
[18:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So it could expose that there could be cracks in the communication that you two have and therefore we're gonna go to somebody who can help us slow it down and figure out why is this feeling overwhelming and frustrating for you and hard to stay with your partner when they're telling you how they feel and that would be the work of a
[19:05] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah.
[19:06] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah.
[19:07] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I want to go back to the word compromise that we were suggesting earlier.
[19:11] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I do think that in some circumstances, people are unwilling to budge.
[19:16] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Let's think of an example.
[19:17] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Maybe Aunt Sue has Thanksgiving.
[19:21] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I really can't be in Aunt Sue's space.
[19:24] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I really just am opposed to going to Aunt Sue's.
[19:27] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I don't like her politics, or I don't like the way she cooks whatever it is.
[19:31] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Whatever my motivation, I'm unwilling to compromise.
[19:34] \[SPEAKER_01\]: What do you do that?
[19:35] \[SPEAKER_01\]: What do you do when someone draws lines in the sand?
[19:37] \[SPEAKER_01\]: You don't want to obviously be a hop to divorce or like it's over.
[19:41] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So what are your thoughts there for the unwilling compromiser?
[19:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's a really good question.
[19:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My number one.
[19:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I practice, my number one thing that I preach, I try my best to practice this as well, is curiosity.
[19:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because what could be the initial instinct here is to say, we'll come on, are you serious?
[20:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This answer, this uncle, like, we have to go to their house, like, come on, can just suck it up, like, we can, if the other person is completely opposed, we might, we might just go in with logic and we might try to convince them otherwise.
[20:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It doesn't allow the space to be heard from the other side.
[20:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And this is what we want to do here.
[20:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We want to get curious.
[20:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we want to understand where is some of this coming from.
[20:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So if there is that conversation of, OK, so when I'm hearing you say, is you don't want to go because you don't like their political opinions.
[20:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You don't like being there.
[20:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It makes you feel uncomfortable.
[20:48] \[SPEAKER_00\]: etc.
[20:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we can say, okay, am I getting that right?
[20:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah, I just don't want to go.
[20:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm putting my foot down.
[20:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm not going.
[20:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Then we could we could attempt our compromise like is there any?
[21:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Is there any adaptation here, right?
[21:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Can we go and stay for an hour?
[21:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because let me tell you why it's important for me that we go.
[21:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And this is why this ant has been very important for me in my life.
[21:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I know you don't care about them or their political opinions or you don't feel as comfortable, but here's where I'm coming from.
[21:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And this is why it's really hard for me to just not go.
[21:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if your partner still continues and says, no, this isn't something I'm interested in,
[21:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: can be, okay, well maybe I will attend on my own this time, or maybe we won't attend, but is the reason why we're not going grounded in understanding for our partner is the reason why we're not going
[21:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm just saying, well, I just want to go because I want my family to be happy and that's what's important for me, and if that's really what I need, then I don't want to force you to do anything that you don't want to do, so I'll just go on my own.
[21:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So if we understand like we get curious, okay, well, what's the reason here's where I'm coming from.
[22:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so compromises, it means we're dragging the other person even if they really don't want to go.
[22:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We can say, I understand this isn't comfortable for you.
[22:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And maybe for me, social image is really important.
[22:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so that's the reason I want you to go is I want to show up as United's friend.
[22:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But at the same time, if our partner feels heard and is respected and understood and we're not
[22:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Parenting one another, we're not telling each other what to do and we're able to make independent decisions then maybe that's actually what's more important in our dynamic as opposed to forcing someone to go and then mean where's I'm full of the whole time right there?
[22:40] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, yeah, I know that there were many things in my childhood where my parents weren't necessarily on the same page and it was always just very respectful.
[22:48] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I don't know who knows what the conversations were behind the scenes.
[22:51] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I actually just think they highly respected one another.
[22:53] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I'm thinking about my mom was starting to go to the small group and a new church and my dad for a while didn't go with her, but it wasn't a problem because it was like this is what I'm doing for myself and like she would think of some times and I just think that like healthy respect there to I think.
[23:08] \[SPEAKER_01\]: extending the olive branch or giving people space to as opposed to just like trying to force them into submission allows for people to come alongside of you in the future and not always, but I think that approaching it in that way, my dad did end up at one point going with her.
[23:23] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so I know, I think what is it you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
[23:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But that's such a, that's so beautiful.
[23:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I love that.
[23:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I think that it shows as well that we can still be independent in partnership and we can still do things that maybe we disagree with and we don't have and being on the same page doesn't mean doing things exactly the same it means we're on the same page with our values right do we respect one another do we agree that we don't want to put the other person in uncomfortable situations if there is choice and if we have.
[23:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: something to say about it, then absolutely.
[24:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is your choice.
[24:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is my choice, and then you're also then leaning away from parent child dynamics and relationships, because that can happen as well, not just with your actual kids, but with your partner.
[24:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you're the one always making the plans, telling your partner what to do, then that is very quick way to resentment as well.
[24:26] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So in the title of your book, you say align with your partner to raise happy, confident, resilient kids.
[24:32] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I want to talk about resilience.
[24:34] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I think sometimes again, two people have a different approach on what that looks like.
[24:38] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It's like, how much suffering do you endure, or how much do you put some child through, how much do they have to show up to the sports team that they don't want to show up to?
[24:46] \[SPEAKER_01\]: How do we get aligned in creating resiliency when it may look different for both of us?
[24:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: such a good question.
[24:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I would probably say kids don't need perfect parents who agree on everything and who will consistently respond the same, but they do need predictable emotionally safe parents.
[25:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So what that means is when parents are aligned, it shapes how
[25:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: rules and responses and the expectations are consistent, a child's nervous system can relax.
[25:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: They're not constantly scanning for it.
[25:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We do I go to, what's going to happen this time?
[25:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Am I in trouble or not?
[25:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It allows them to build the sense of felt safety within themselves.
[25:39] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So if there is a disagreement that we have with our kids, with regards to how much sports they should be playing or even like how much food they should be eating, things like that, which
[25:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: food is actually a chapter in my book as well, because that causes a lot of conflict in folks, then what we want to understand is underneath that, why is that such a pain point for either partner?
[26:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like why is it so important for you that the kid goes to soccer?
[26:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Is that something the kid wants?
[26:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if we're actually some of the questions in my book as well or about connecting the kids in the conversations with the parents as well, and it's, you know, again, going back to childhood, but growing up, did I have much of a say in what I chose to do with my extra curriculars or my spare time?
[26:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And do I want to carry that forward with my own kids?
[26:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And if we go through some of these questions and we recognize,
[26:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: My parents always did what they thought was best for me and I'm doing what I think was best for my kids But I don't know if I really like that.
[26:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I kind of wish my parents gave me more choice So it becomes less of an issue between the parents and we can ask the kids and say hey, you know We're just agreeing is to how much time you're what sports you should do.
[26:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What do you want to do?
[26:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Do you want to do sports?
[26:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What are you interested in?
[27:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because our shared value is our kid has autonomy.
[27:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Our kid is respected and
[27:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We are showing cooperation.
[27:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Those are our shared values.
[27:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's how we're on the same page with parenting here.
[27:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so we're creating the system where our kid isn't working to please us, where we say, well, dad wants this and mom wants this.
[27:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What do you want?
[27:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If we frame it like that and say, you know, they're worried now, well, I have to side with one of my parents or they're both going to be upset with me.
[27:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Or one of them is going to, how are they going to respond after the fact?
[27:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Then if we have, before on the same page that we want our kids to feel safe in our presence, and we want them to know that it's not their job to please us, then we may even recognize, no matter what option you choose, neither of us are going to get upset.
[27:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: and then we practice that in front of our kid.
[27:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If they say, you know, I actually kind of agree with that, I want to do soccer this year.
[27:59] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If you really want to them to do volleyball because you can volleyball athlete and you had that dream for them, but this is what they're choosing, then it's your job to regulate and say,
[28:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Okay.
[28:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Thank you for letting us know.
[28:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm glad that you chose what you chose and we'll sign up for vote for soccer.
[28:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's great.
[28:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Because we can also vary unintentionally.
[28:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: There's a chapter on people pleasing.
[28:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Create kids who are trying to please us and make us happy.
[28:25] \[SPEAKER_00\]: because kids are very smart and they learned from our early age.
[28:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I align with or just say what my parents want me to say, I can avoid conflict or distress in the house.
[28:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But if we're unintentionally raising kids for our people, please, there's then that doesn't give them the autonomy and the choice, which then leads to resiliency when they become adults.
[28:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, it is so interesting how our children are like little mirrors to us holding up things that we need to personally work through it just how what are things that we think are on the other person are on our kids ends up becoming our work that we need to do I just think that so fascinating just so much work to be done I think in the self and again you have so many
[29:07] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Different topics, financial literacy.
[29:10] \[SPEAKER_01\]: You have a big chapter on postpartum mental health.
[29:13] \[SPEAKER_01\]: You think in food, you spoke to teaching safety and consent to children, trauma and form parenting.
[29:18] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Also, you said you really work with their divergent children and neurodivergent parenting.
[29:22] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So there's so much good stuff in your book that I hope listeners will check it out.
[29:27] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Is there any other final word of encouragement, though, that you wanna leave with listeners as we wrap up?
[29:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah, I probably say, you know, I always say this never stop talking to one another because the moment that we stop talking sometimes is we don't know the words to say we don't know the conversations to ask that's partly why this book exists but don't stop talking and don't stop getting curious because
[29:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: especially as new parents or seasoned parents.
[29:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If we stop talking and curious about one another, then we are missing so much opportunity for depth and for love and for care and for our kids to even see what does it look like to have these conversations.
[30:07] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like you can have some of these conversations in front of your kids if they're age appropriate and maybe you've practiced it already behind closed doors, but then your kids are going to be watching you being like,
[30:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's so cool that my parents talk about this kind of stuff and that they're aware and they're trying to consciously
[30:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: make sure that we are included and know how to have healthy contact resolution, etc.
[30:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So don't stop talking and talk to your kids, like especially in the age of social media, where maybe we default a lot of it to our peers.
[30:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We want to bring some of that learning back to home.
[30:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Even if your values look different from house to house, but just being on
[30:53] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, absolutely.
[30:55] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Well, where can listeners connect with you and grab a copy of the book if they want to do so?
[31:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah, so my book is available through, it's on boards and noble, it's at chapters, it's on audible, on Amazon, and Powell's, and a few other places, I have, and my website has the link to it, NovaCarePurpee.ca, and then my Instagram is on NovaCarePurpee, so if you're curious if some local bookstore is carried as well, you can have a look and check it out.
[31:26] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Perfectful, quickly as we wrap things up here.
[31:28] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I always ask my guests to final questions at the very end.
[31:30] \[SPEAKER_01\]: The first one is what's been a beneficial resource in your life that you want to share with the listeners?
[31:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: One of the my go-to resources right now is good inside by Dr. Baxter Kennedy.
[31:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's one of my favorite books.
[31:45] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm reading it on repeat for myself because I definitely need as much as I teach other people how to do it.
[31:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I need myself to need compassion and support for my reactions and tips on how to support kids who have really big feelings.
[32:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I'd say that would probably be my number one resource.
[32:04] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Can you add that to my audible, that is one that I keep hearing about and I haven't gotten to yet, so I'll have to listen to that one.
[32:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's so, so good.
[32:14] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Did you ask her to?
[32:15] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Nope, I just, that was just one.
[32:16] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Just what I came up with, sure.
[32:17] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Okay.
[32:18] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And then my second question for you, I had two questions.
[32:21] \[SPEAKER_01\]: My second question is, what is something you can't stop talking about?
[32:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Something that I can't start talking about is.
[32:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: how proprioceptive input is so helpful for regulation for kids, which is the concept around like moving our bodies and pushing again something and getting some energy out from our body in our nervous system, especially for neurodivergent kids, or if we notice kids are engaging in behaviors like slapping or punching or hitting or throwing, but I learned a lot from my OT friends, my occupational therapist friends who
[32:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We need a space for our external energy to go to so that our brain can become more functional and online and that's something that I'm trying to do more in my own life, not just for my kids, but for myself too.
[33:12] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I'm assuming that research would suggest that that is more necessary now probably than ever before because of our tech, the world of tech that we have around us if we're not moving our body and getting that out that it just everything like we just remain stagnant so much these days is that true or am I making that up.
[33:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, absolutely.
[33:32] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I can't think of a study off the top of my head, but I would understand from a nervous system perspective that if growing up is 80s 90s kids, we would go outside and we would get our sensory needs met by the smell of the fresh grass or drawing on chalk or climbing trees or
[33:52] \[SPEAKER_00\]: you know, doing so much outside and now our sensory needs are getting deprived and so there's a lot of internal dysregulation that's happening just because our minds are getting stimulated but our bodies are not.
[34:05] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, absolutely.
[34:06] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Well, thanks for sharing that, because I feel like we can talk about that for a long time as well.
[34:10] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But we'll leave it there.
[34:11] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Thank you so much for joining me and sharing, say, I hope people find encouragement here to have a tough conversation that they've been meaning to have.
[34:18] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And again, just kind of if we can step back with curiosity, as you said, as opposed to aggression and what's the word I'm looking for?
[34:26] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like being accused of touring?
[34:28] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I think that is such a thing.
[34:29] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So thanks so much for writing about this and joining me today.
[34:36] \[SPEAKER_01\]: What did you think of the episode?
[34:38] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I hope you enjoyed the conversation.
[34:39] \[SPEAKER_01\]: To learn more about today's guest, including links, resources related to everything discussed today, visit the episode page at minimalsmonspodcast.com, where you can find the entire podcast archive, as well as my book, minimalsmons, living and parenting with simplicity, or other ways to connect or work with me online.
[34:59] \[SPEAKER_01\]: If you'd like to support the podcast, the easiest and most impactful thing you can do is subscribe to the show on iTunes, Spotify, or YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and leave a rating or review of your favorite episode.
[35:11] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Lastly, sharing the show or your favorite episode with friends and social media is very helpful and will encourage others on their journey to think more and do with less.

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