# Stop Second-Guessing Your Parenting: Why Systems Matter More Than Perfect Decisions | Danielle & Greg Neufeld (EP451)

An episode of [Minimalist Moms Podcast | Purposeful Life & Parenting Tips](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1159498258), 12 May 2026, 39 min.

Audio: https://prefix.up.audio/s/pdst.fm/e/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/pscrb.fm/rss/p/clrtpod.com/m/mgln.ai/e/35/audio2.redcircle.com/episodes/241367b6-f74d-4217-9b40-86fc02c130e7/stream.mp3

What if confident parenting isn’t about making the “right” decision in every moment - but about building a family system you trust? In this episode, I’m joined by Danielle and Greg Neufeld, hosts of The Most Important Thing, to explore how leadership principles from high-performing teams can translate into family life. We talk about the subtle ways modern parenting advice creates second-guessing, why focusing on process over perfection can shift everything, and how to define success through a long-term lens. Danielle and Greg also share practical ways to approach decision-making, repair after conflict, and create a culture of trust at home. This conversation offers a grounded, refreshing perspective for anyone feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to get parenting “right.” Links Discussed in This Episode | • Checkout the podcast storefront for recommendations from Diane. • Subscribe to the Minimalist Moms Youtube Channel • Danielle's Resource: 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People: A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation―And Making Your Own Life Easier • Greg's Resource: The 12 Week Year: Get More Done in 12 Weeks than Others Do in 12 Months | Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity • Connect with Greg & Danielle: • Linktree: linktr.ee/themostimpthing • YouTube: youtube.com/@themostimpthing • Instagram: instagram.com/themostimpthing • Website: tmitpod.com About Danielle & Greg | Danielle and Greg Neufeld are the hosts of The Most Important Thing, a podcast exploring the idea that family is the most important team we will ever build. They are partners in life, leadership, and parenting three kids while navigating careers, ambition, and modern family life in real time. Danielle is a relationship builder and culture shaper who draws on her experience in the hedge fund industry and a deep interest in psychology and systems thinking. Greg is a venture investor and founder who focuses on people, incentives, and long-term decision-making. Together, they explore how families make decisions, share authority, repair after conflict, and stay connected in a fast-changing world. Their work blends research, lived experience, and practical experiments to help families operate with greater trust, clarity, and shared purpose at home. Episode Sponsors | The Minimalist Moms Podcast would not be possible without the support of weekly sponsors. Choosing brands that I believe in is important to me. I only want to recommend brands that I believe may help you in your daily life. As always, never feel pressured into buying anything. Remember: if you don't need it, it's not a good deal! Enjoy the Podcast? Post a review and share it! If you enjoyed tuning into this podcast, then do not hesitate to write a review. You can also share this with your fellow mothers so that they can be inspired to think more and do with less. Order (or review) my book, Minimalist Moms: Living & Parenting With Simplicity. You can contact me through my website, find me on Instagram, Pinterest or like The Minimalist Moms Page on Facebook. Our Sponsors: * Check out BetterHelp and use my code betterhelp.com for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com * Check out Cure Hydration and use my code MINIMALIST for a great deal: https://www.curehydration.com * Check out DeleteMe and use my code joindeleteme.com/MINIMALIST for a great deal: https://joindeleteme.com * Check out Wayfair: https://www.wayfair.com Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

## Transcript

[0:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: where we kind of started to notice the similarities between a lot of the leadership principles that we study in business, in management and startups and things that we could bring to our family as a team and really just naming explicitly that families the most important team that we will ever build, so what are we gonna do about it?
[0:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And at our 10 year anniversary last year,
[0:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: we were taking a walk on the beach here in Florida and I said to Danielle, you know, if you could talk to anybody in the world about one topic, what would it be?
[0:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And she instantly replied family culture.
[0:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's when we knew that we had to really go down and explore what that actually meant, what it meant to us in terms of what the possibilities were, not that we have any or all of the answers, but that we do know how to be curious, resourceful be researchers, and look at everything from first principle.
[0:48] \[SPEAKER_02\]: This is Diane Bowden, and you're listening to the minimalist mom's podcast.
[0:52] \[SPEAKER_02\]: What if confident parenting isn't about making the right decision in every moment, but about building a family system you trust?
[1:00] \[SPEAKER_02\]: In today's episode, I'm joined by Danielle and Greg Newfeld, host of the most important thing, to explore how leadership principles from high-performing teams can translate into family life.
[1:11] \[SPEAKER_02\]: We talk about the subtle ways modern parenting advice, create second guessing, why focusing on process, over-perfection, can shift everything, and how to define success through a long term lens.
[1:23] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Danielle and Greg also share practical ways to approach decision-making, repair after conflict, and create a culture of trust in the home.
[1:30] \[SPEAKER_02\]: This conversation offers a grounded, refreshing perspective for anyone feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to get parenting right.
[1:37] \[SPEAKER_02\]: But quickly before we get there, I want to share a minimalist moment slash resource with all of you.
[1:43] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Apologies, if I've shared this in the past, but this is a tool that I began to use again recently, and it's from Mel Rabbins.
[1:49] \[SPEAKER_02\]: If you're familiar with her, she has something called the 54321 countdown to success.
[1:54] \[SPEAKER_02\]: It's been incredibly helpful to me in the past, especially in those mornings where I struggled to get out of bed or I'm sitting on the couch relaxing and I don't have to get up and do something.
[2:03] \[SPEAKER_02\]: For those of you that don't know what the 54321 rule is, it's super straightforward.
[2:07] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Again, if you're using it in the morning to get it at a bed, you're alarm rings.
[2:11] \[SPEAKER_02\]: You want to hit the snooze button, but you know you shouldn't.
[2:13] \[SPEAKER_02\]: So in your mind, you go 54321.
[2:16] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And pop up at a bed.
[2:18] \[SPEAKER_02\]: thumb behavior in life that you can learn and automate.
[2:21] \[SPEAKER_02\]: But there are just other things that we really don't like to do and have to push ourselves.
[2:24] \[SPEAKER_02\]: So I highly recommend trying this mental tool again apologies if I've shared it in the past.
[2:28] \[SPEAKER_02\]: But try it tomorrow morning or try it when you know that you have to get up to make dinner 5-4-3-2-1.
[2:33] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Go.
[2:34] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And I will say I'm not saying this count down method completely solves your problem.
[2:37] \[SPEAKER_02\]: But if you just set your mind on the thought, I'm going to pop up after I do this little count down, it's just a simple shift that helps quite a bit.
[2:44] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And then lastly, if you have been enjoying the content on the minimalist mom's podcast, be sure to hit five stars, share this episode with a friend that could benefit.
[2:51] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I really appreciate you tuning in and listening week after week.
[2:55] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And with that, let's get to this conversation with Danielle and Greg.
[3:03] \[SPEAKER_01\]: For us, we started the podcast about a year ago because we wanted to explore family culture.
[3:08] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And it has been a wonderful ride.
[3:13] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I think now we are more stalwart than ever that there's so much out there in the parenting world today that it comes from a deficit messaging perspective, right?
[3:23] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Trying to talk to you about, if you don't do XYZ right, your kids gonna end up in therapy.
[3:28] \[SPEAKER_01\]: or bedtime problems, or tantrums, et cetera.
[3:32] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And well, we have three kids, you have four kids, right?
[3:35] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I have three.
[3:36] \[SPEAKER_01\]: You have three.
[3:36] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Okay, so we have lots of kids, right?
[3:39] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I do think that there's always going to be something that I could work on with each one of them individually.
[3:44] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So we come from the venture capital software aspect.
[3:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: That's what we do in our day jobs.
[3:49] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, and there we have the vernacular of is your software a painkiller or a vitamin and a painkiller is one that solves a problem that you have right and I think that a lot of the existing parenting solutions out there are
[4:06] \[SPEAKER_01\]: great problem solvers.
[4:08] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I've used a plethora of them, right?
[4:10] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And there's strategies that work.
[4:11] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But I think that whether I subscribe to that newsletter or listen to the podcast every week or look at them on social media, we have found.
[4:19] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I think a lot of our listeners have resonated with the idea that
[4:22] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We don't always need that type of deficit messaging.
[4:25] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We don't always need to feel like parenting is hard and we are under a quit.
[4:30] \[SPEAKER_01\]: That there is a space for a vitamin approach, like a Lulu Lemon or a Starbucks where it's like, you know what, we can come from a place of competence and lean into what's already working.
[4:42] \[SPEAKER_01\]: and really focus on the family as a team and us as the co-leaders to set vision with intention for our family.
[4:50] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It doesn't always have to be the kind of more management style of or pain killer approach of putting out fire after fire after fire.
[5:00] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so yeah, that's really what we like to focus on is really the joy and the making of the implicit explicit when it comes to building family culture.
[5:09] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah.
[5:10] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Let's just keep going with this.
[5:11] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I'm going to leave that end.
[5:12] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I don't know if Greg is going to come back in.
[5:14] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Okay.
[5:14] \[SPEAKER_02\]: So I think Greg heard all that and he would agree with all that as well.
[5:19] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I was just going to say, I don't want to say there aren't any rules, but I think even outside of convention like you get to develop the family culture that works best for your home.
[5:29] \[SPEAKER_02\]: outside of convention outside of rules.
[5:31] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I don't know, would you suggest that?
[5:34] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Are there rules?
[5:34] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Are there conventions that you stick to?
[5:36] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Like, blanket statements for everyone, because I just feel like being at this for 15 years.
[5:41] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Now, I'm being a parent for 11 of those years.
[5:44] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, some of the ways that we interact is a family unit, aren't necessarily the ways that everyone else that would be beneficial for everyone else and yet they weren't.
[5:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Totally, all great startups and all great families
[5:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: all families and startups that don't really work well, tend not to.
[6:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's about the defined culture.
[6:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's about making the implicit explicit.
[6:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's not about a prescription.
[6:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's about knowing what you stand for and having everybody inside of that organization, team, family, really moving in the same direction.
[6:23] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I guess I would say also that there are a couple things when, you know, just in the research that we've done over the past year in the podcast is when it comes to building a strong team, trust and clarity are two things that really come to mind as whether it's a team like you said to start up or it's a family really having those at the foundation.
[6:45] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So all members of the team really knowing that they have unconditional love and support.
[6:50] \[SPEAKER_01\]: and that the trust is sacred.
[6:53] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And then, you know, that clarity, that messaging from the top around what really is this family about and what works here and and, you know, an explicit message that you belong.
[7:06] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And then the other aspect is whether it's strong teams or strong families rituals, rituals, rituals of alignment and rituals of connection.
[7:16] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So one of the things that Greg and I talk a lot about are the kind of unsexy rituals of alignment.
[7:23] \[SPEAKER_01\]: For example, every Thursday, he and I have a weekly stand-up.
[7:27] \[SPEAKER_01\]: where we check in on logistical things, right?
[7:31] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We do a quick feeling check, and then we do the logistical stuff, like the groceries, who needs the car when?
[7:38] \[SPEAKER_01\]: What does the calendar look like for next week?
[7:40] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And our kids are 86 and 4, and I give them a little like kind of daily brief in the mornings when we have breakfast, but they don't need to be a part of that weekly meeting right now.
[7:50] \[SPEAKER_01\]: When we're figuring out those logistics,
[7:53] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And then we also have a family meeting every weekend, and that is way more fun.
[8:01] \[SPEAKER_01\]: That's more what I would call a ritual of connection as opposed to the alignment piece, because we've gotten the logistics out of the way.
[8:08] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so the family meeting is more about compliments and appreciation.
[8:12] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Things that we've noticed about each other over the week.
[8:14] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We really appreciate one another for we'll do like a family learning where we all learn something together that we're interested in.
[8:22] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Sometimes it's very topical.
[8:23] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like, hey, we're getting a tin can phone.
[8:26] \[SPEAKER_01\]: What should be our rules around that?
[8:28] \[SPEAKER_01\]: What should be the hours?
[8:29] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But also, like, what's the primary purpose?
[8:32] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And for us, it's coordination.
[8:33] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It's not having our eight-year-old sit on the phone with her friend that she sees at school all day for 45 minutes, but it's to coordinate play dates.
[8:40] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And they have this little thing.
[8:41] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I'll change Makers Club that has been something that's occurred because they can coordinate during the 10-can.
[8:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So like, that's an example of a family learning.
[8:50] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And sometimes it's kid-led.
[8:51] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like, our daughter taught us how to tie bracelets.
[8:54] \[SPEAKER_01\]: not too long ago, things like that.
[8:56] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And then a snack in a game.
[8:57] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And the kids love rotating, who does the snack, who does the game, who does the mindful minute, which is the way we start it.
[9:04] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So, and it is become the cornerstone of our family culture building.
[9:11] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Okay, okay.
[9:12] \[SPEAKER_02\]: No, I'm so glad you shared some of those examples because I was going to start in with that because you on your podcast the most important thing, you have different, we'll say like different categories of topics, family leadership, belonging, connection, emotional wiring of the home, founders and builders and shadow work and emotional intelligence, which that's like,
[9:30] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I want to go there right now, but we'll, we'll wait, we'll wait, that just wasn't just interesting to me, but I think in regards that family leadership you've had episodes on family meetings family values family space and then again the connection piece of all that so I appreciate you sharing some of those examples I am curious though before we go any deeper to your guys is dynamic when did I guess you start to implement this way of thinking about the family culture was this something that you have always done since kid number one or how is that evolved.
[9:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Kid number one, there was a lot of intentionality, but very focused on the individual, right?
[10:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's mom and dad, plus baby.
[10:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Kid number two, everything broke.
[10:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we're like, wait a minute, what are we doing?
[10:12] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So we, that was our hardest time for sure.
[10:14] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It was definitely our hardest time.
[10:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I think that's when we started putting in some of these rituals of alignment.
[10:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yes.
[10:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The rituals of connection came when we realized that we had sentient beings.
[10:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We were out of the toddler years after three, you know, it's really about a year and a half.
[10:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Maybe two years ago where we kind of started to notice the similarities between a lot of the leadership principles that we study in business in management and startups and that you know things that we could bring to our family as a team and really just naming explicitly that families the most important team that we will ever build so what are we going to do about it.
[10:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Right and.
[10:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: At our 10 year anniversary last year, we were taking a walk on the beach here in Florida and I said to Danielle, you know, if you could talk to anybody in the world about one topic, what would it be and she instantly replied family culture.
[11:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's when we knew that we had to really go down and explore what that actually meant, what it meant to us in terms of what the possibilities were, not that we have any or all of the answers, but that we do know how to be curious, resourceful, be researchers, and kind of look at everything from first principles.
[11:26] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I would just say I'm an only child, and so we didn't have much of a family culture.
[11:30] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so it was important for me to have quite a few kids, right?
[11:34] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I, a couple of things, so like,
[11:36] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Being an only child, I really have had no road map for what family culture could look and feel like.
[11:42] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I think it's possible to replicate with an only child, but we, you know, we just didn't have.
[11:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We didn't have much of a of a road map, but there was not much like this is what we Demarko's did if that makes sense.
[11:56] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And my, I think the other thing that has really informed me is that my first job out of school was at a hedge fund called Citadel.
[12:03] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Um, so it's a, it's one of the largest hedge funds in the world Chicago based Ken Griffin, maybe you've heard of the CEO and he really, well, I was there during the depths of the financial crisis in 2008.
[12:16] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And it was there that I really understood the, what can happen when your culture is exceptional.
[12:25] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And truly what this combination that I have, you know, I'm a big follower of Dr. David Yager, who wrote this book 10 to 25, which is how to motivate young people.
[12:36] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And this is really, so he's a disciple of Carol Dweck, the growth mindset, kind of pedagogy, if you will.
[12:43] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I don't know, it's not a research.
[12:45] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So, highly recommend that book, it's, I actually did a book club with some moms on it because it's just so dense.
[12:51] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But what resonated with me so much is that he talks about high standards combined with high support.
[12:58] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so, at Citadel, I was asked to work very hard, very long hours on complicated projects.
[13:05] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But I had the support of exceptional team members and the support of a leader who provided us with this feeling of safety, like after the initial round of layoffs, it was very clear that those of us who are still there were staying.
[13:19] \[SPEAKER_01\]: and clarity as to like we're no longer doing illiquid assets we are only focused on these five strategies and you know get to work right and so that really it stuck with me and I am not the CEO of a company today but I am the CEO of our family and I have this beautiful opportunity
[13:47] \[SPEAKER_02\]: No, absolutely.
[13:49] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Gosh, you're just convicting me so much because I'm like, we've really just dropped the ball on a lot of these areas because I think we're just, they're like all the things that so many families are experiencing.
[13:58] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I'm sure that you also experience some of these things as well.
[14:01] \[SPEAKER_02\]: So how do you maintain when, again, either culture is, like, you're keeping up with the genres, which I speak to not doing that.
[14:08] \[SPEAKER_02\]: But, yeah, just, I think staying financially afloat even in this
[14:12] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Current era that we're living in is just thinking a lot of effort and energy that we don't have to offer to our children.
[14:18] \[SPEAKER_02\]: So yeah, how do you guys maintain just that investment there and making it a priority.
[14:23] \[SPEAKER_01\]: That's the beauty of containers or you know what you could call it a black schedule.
[14:27] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Right?
[14:28] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But I'm as guilty as anyone.
[14:30] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I'm probably more so of trying to talk about finances as my head is hitting the pillow, which is like the worst time to be discussing these things, right?
[14:38] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so Greg and I have a quarterly financial review actually it's happening this week.
[14:43] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We do it.
[14:44] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It's going to kind of it's we do it on the corner and Greg does the first pass of our finances.
[14:48] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We have kind of like a system for it.
[14:50] \[SPEAKER_01\]: we do have a system for it.
[14:51] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But we also schedule it around my cycle because in the second half of my cycle, I am much more of a fear-monger.
[14:59] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I can get trepidacious.
[15:02] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I can get frustrated.
[15:03] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so, you know, let's talk about it when my hormones are not raging, right?
[15:08] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so, that's part of, and trust me, we have learned these things the hard way.
[15:11] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I didn't, like, say, out of the gate.
[15:13] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Oh, I'm sure my cycle will be involved in this.
[15:15] \[SPEAKER_01\]: No, that,
[15:16] \[SPEAKER_01\]: We had some missteps, right, right?
[15:19] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But I think, you know, finances are a great, it's a great topic.
[15:23] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I've been thinking about and reading about some of these people that have like five, six, seven and eight kids, which feels phenomenal and more power to them.
[15:32] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And for us, finances were a big part of the reason why we decided to stop having children because of how much time we wanted to give to our children, but also how much time we wanted to
[15:46] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And how to live in a way that feels like we're not being reckless with our finances.
[15:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah.
[15:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it's all about trade-offs, right?
[15:57] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We can have everything that we want, but we can't have everything that other people want.
[16:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So you bring up the keeping up with the Jones is like,
[16:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The things that are important to us when we go on vacation are having a car that we can all drive around in and having a nice house, it's like an Airbnb.
[16:16] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Well, having a kitchen, like with a kitchen, that's so that we can cook our own food.
[16:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What's really not important to us is going out the eat.
[16:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so we don't go out the eat at home or when we travel really.
[16:26] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Maybe we go out once on a vacation.
[16:28] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so we named this, and we named it to the kids, that's like this.
[16:31] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So I think that's a good point, right?
[16:32] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like, you speak a lot about intentionality, right?
[16:35] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so I think finances are a great place to talk about intentionality and how we spend money, you know, really reflects our values to the best of our ability.
[16:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so it makes it easier to communicate that to the kids when there's some thought behind it, right?
[16:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah.
[16:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I like to, I heard once that the three levels of wealth are one, you can buy anything that you want at the supermarket, level two as you can buy anything you want at a restaurant, level three as you can spend any amount of money on a vacation.
[17:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I said to myself, I don't really care about level two.
[17:09] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So let's just figure out how to get one and three taken care of.
[17:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we'll be a good place.
[17:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's basically another version of a container, right?
[17:19] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Is like, what do we actually care about as a family?
[17:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And how do we espouse that in our family system?
[17:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: How do we actually live that out without having this creep of, oh, so and so we've got this, so and so we've got that.
[17:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like we have to name what works for us and what our values are in the trade-offs.
[17:34] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, no, that's so good.
[17:35] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Again, it's not going to be perfect.
[17:37] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And the mindset that we are doing things imperfectly, or just again, the pressure of what a family system looks like.
[17:44] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I think we do just really need to release that.
[17:46] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I think we feel pressure from so many different areas too, like maybe even feeling it from a parent or a friend that seems to have it together better.
[17:52] \[SPEAKER_02\]: But I really like that you said, Greg, prioritizing that one and three was important for your family.
[17:57] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Where I know as a lot of the families that I know, they always prioritize like going out to dinner together here.
[18:02] \[SPEAKER_02\]: We're the same way.
[18:03] \[SPEAKER_02\]: We're like, no, we never want to eat out.
[18:05] \[SPEAKER_02\]: It just is not where we want to put our financial focus.
[18:09] \[SPEAKER_02\]: So yeah, I guess I'm just, I don't really know what my question is.
[18:12] \[SPEAKER_02\]: You have anything to say to any of that.
[18:14] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Well, you know, I love what you're saying about how there's just so much pressure and I think that going back to my citadel days also one thing that I learned there that I think is so embedded in me that I don't talk about enough is that the best portfolio managers there were right 54% of the time.
[18:35] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And that tracks to Roger Federer, won 54% of the points that he ever played, right?
[18:42] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And yet he was able to win what 80% of matches and be the most winningest tennis player of all time.
[18:48] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so I think that sometimes like, and I'm so guilty of this, like I actually have a reminder on the calendar of like not everything in life is a test.
[18:55] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It's an opportunity to learn and grow.
[18:57] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I see everything is like,
[18:59] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I did see everything as past fail, past fail, and I think that a lot of parenting, we see all these opportunities and we see we feel like failures if we're not nailing every single one.
[19:11] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But it really helps me to remember that whether you're a portfolio manager or Roger Federer 54% is enough.
[19:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: That's a gold standard.
[19:20] \[SPEAKER_01\]: That's the gold standard.
[19:21] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so honestly, it's
[19:25] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It's diabolical to really think that we should be having a higher hit ratio than that, you know, and I, and that's really where we have a lineman in that our kids have a lineman in that that's, you know, and I think in some ways we know this as parents inherently because we talk a lot our generation talks a lot more about repair.
[19:46] \[SPEAKER_01\]: right and just getting good at repair.
[19:48] \[SPEAKER_01\]: But we don't necessarily put numbers to it and it's like at least for us and our family if we can be right 50% of the time like if we can nail it 50% of the time that's a huge win because it's not even soft and times not even that high and just giving ourselves grace to know that we are
[20:06] \[SPEAKER_01\]: making progress and that when we mess up, we are getting, we are great at repair is is really important.
[20:15] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, for sure.
[20:15] \[SPEAKER_02\]: How do you bring your four-year-old into creating that family culture?
[20:19] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Again, I think four-year-olds are far more capable than we give them credit for, but yeah, what does that actually look like?
[20:24] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, so our little boy is four and a half now and his name is Maverick and he is such a Maverick, of course, that cannot be tamed.
[20:33] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I would say that consistency some days he's there for it and some days he is not, but
[20:41] \[SPEAKER_01\]: He's really love Star Wars.
[20:43] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Really love Star Wars.
[20:44] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so we have latched onto that and I really commend Greg for pivoting from kind of the more commercial Disney aspects of Star Wars to what's behind the camera.
[20:54] \[SPEAKER_01\]: How did George Lucas think about this?
[20:56] \[SPEAKER_01\]: what type of visual effects were used and the history of visual effects to kind of get him more interested in just the fighting, right?
[21:05] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And then we, we often leverage Star Wars in our family meetings, like when it's time for him to do the mindful minute, he will happily do like a Star Wars breath agenda, a Darth Vader breath.
[21:18] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Things like that.
[21:19] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So really just picking up on their interests, right?
[21:21] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I feel like for such that time of like explosive deeper interests.
[21:26] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so leveraging those to as a as a lead in for our family culture has been has been really important to get them involved.
[21:34] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah, we also have a family cheer that that names our values and it's a new monarch for our last name, newfeld.
[21:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And Maverick doesn't know what most of those words actually mean, but he gets so enthusiastic to and he's usually the first one to speak up when somebody does the rally and cry, which is I have one thing to say which he started the rallying, right?
[21:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then we all go, we all go, who are we and he's just like so ready for it and he's there for it.
[22:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then we go through their hands signal.
[22:03] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So like it's something that he really likes to do.
[22:05] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And I can tell you that it's something that we do, you know, when we head out on an adventure in the car or we're walking down the beach pass here in Del Rey.
[22:13] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And he just he knows when the vibe is right to say something like I have one thing to say and get started and we just go from these five separate beings.
[22:26] \[SPEAKER_01\]: to a connected, like I get chills.
[22:29] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It's this one connected body and it completely changes the dynamic.
[22:37] \[SPEAKER_02\]: There's something about this time of year spring, a little more light in the evenings that makes me want our home, especially the kitchen to feel calmer and more functional.
[22:46] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And obviously, I know that when my space feels less cluttered, I actually enjoy cooking more.
[22:51] \[SPEAKER_02\]: One of the changes that's made a real difference to us is been switching to care away.
[22:55] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I'm sure this before, but I genuinely love these pans.
[22:59] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Number one, they're beautiful, but they're also just really practical for everyday life.
[23:03] \[SPEAKER_02\]: You don't need a lot of oil, everything cooks evenly and cleanup is simple, which matters a lot in this busy season.
[23:09] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And honestly, just having cookware, as I said, looks really good in store as well, makes my kitchen feel more pulled together.
[23:15] \[SPEAKER_02\]: It's one of those small shifts that actually changes how your home feels day-to-day.
[23:18] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Right now, you can save up to $230 on the 12-piece cook-set versus buying the products individually.
[23:25] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Plus, if you wanna include their fan favorite minis duo, you can save up to $350.
[23:30] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Visit carawayhome.com slash minimalist to take an additional 10% off using code minimalist on your next purchase.
[23:38] \[SPEAKER_02\]: This deal is exclusive for my listeners, so visit carawayhome.com slash minimalist
[23:47] \[SPEAKER_02\]: For someone that has, say their youngest is eight, nine, 10, somewhere in there, they have teenagers.
[23:55] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Where do you suggest they start with, if they haven't been living this way, that they start to implement a system of a family culture in their home?
[24:02] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, I would say align the leaders first.
[24:06] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So, you know, maybe have a couple weeks of some type of whatever works for you on the agenda stand up between the to the husband and wife at that, you know, as the co-leaders of the family and then really keep it simple family meeting like it can evolve over time, but just getting everybody together after you've done that alignment for a couple of weeks to.
[24:30] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Share something that's connecting a snack or a game maybe a little bit of learning and you know my favorite part of a family meeting really is the compliments and appreciation So if there's kind of an MVP of family meetings like most by a minimum viable product I think it's really the compliments and appreciation thing that's what we do when we're on vacation and we're spending 24 seven together We're like maybe we can pass on a family meeting this week, but let's at least do a round of compliments and appreciation
[24:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's such a bonding thing and it has these compounding effects.
[25:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the real value and benefit comes in the repetition.
[25:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Doing it once, you can feel like, okay, that was nice.
[25:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then the next weekend, you're like, oh, yeah, like then this really got us together.
[25:15] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then the kids start to get excited about what the topics are going to be.
[25:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And that's when you know you of real team participation, right?
[25:23] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so now like we have a family pre-meeting for five minutes just to talk about what our family learning is going to be and what the snack is going to be and maybe what the game is going to be and sometimes there's a problem to solve and the kids have full participation in that and I think.
[25:40] \[SPEAKER_00\]: This is at a fairly rudimentary level because they're eight, six, and four.
[25:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But if your youngest is eight and you have teenagers, like the teenagers might think it's lame at first, but I think that after a couple of times and they really get to share something or teach something or learn about something together that they've been interested in, you can't lose with that.
[26:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's just such a win-win.
[26:02] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm from.
[26:03] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Ha ha.
[26:04] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, I see.
[26:09] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I want to make sure that we get to that last section of topics that you guys do discuss on your podcast.
[26:14] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Again, I'll be sure to link the show obviously in the show notes for listeners and you can share that here at the end.
[26:18] \[SPEAKER_02\]: But you guys do talk a lot about shadow work and emotional intelligence and I'm listening to you.
[26:24] \[SPEAKER_02\]: At this point, it sounds like it's a pretty well-oiled system for you guys.
[26:27] \[SPEAKER_02\]: You've been living this way for a long time, but I think for people listening that they're like, oh, my partner hasn't done some of the work to get us to the place where this could be healthy.
[26:35] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I guess what do you think the benefit is of doing individual work while implementing these systems and or prior to implementing the systems?
[26:42] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Like, how does remaining stagnant, or I guess, how does any of this play into the larger idea of the dynamic?
[26:49] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Does that make sense?
[26:50] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah, of course.
[26:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Well, I think at every step of the way, there's been a lot of introspection for both of us about our own upbringing and what this meant to us or what it meant to us had we implemented these.
[27:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I mean, after a couple of family meetings and the compliments and appreciations, I said to myself, my parents and I had dinner with my brother,
[27:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: every night, every week night, for like 15 years, right?
[27:17] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And we sat up to do table together and never once did we do a round of compliments and appreciations.
[27:22] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And my parents are gone now.
[27:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And I wish that I could have just gone back in time and done one dinner with compliments and appreciations.
[27:30] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like it's incredible.
[27:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the shadow work, I think, shows up over time.
[27:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And it's definitely important to have those conversations about, you know, if something...
[27:38] \[SPEAKER_00\]: feels really sticky, like you don't want to go down that path, why?
[27:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What's the fear there?
[27:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If something feels really not worth doing it, like what's the resistance and where does that come from?
[27:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: But then, you know, we both done lots and lots of therapy, and so I think that
[27:56] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I think it's helpful that before we met, we had both done, you know, like, five years of individual therapy and that, you know, we were married within 14 months and I, you know, we have a really robust, like kind of conversation framework, I guess, but we talk a lot about like we just did an episode on what we would have done differently when we were pregnant with our first child.
[28:18] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, and we also did another episode on like, you know, I'm turning 40 next month and so like Greg wants to help us prevent a midlife crisis and like whatever stage of life you are in I think having smaller conversations just talking more frequently with your partner.
[28:35] \[SPEAKER_01\]: is the thing that we, you know, are so grateful that we now ten years in have built the habit of doing, right?
[28:42] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So, and like for me, this might not resonate with everybody, but I feel like whether it's your husband or your wife that is not, you know, maybe not as introspective.
[28:50] \[SPEAKER_01\]: There are so many different options out there that are like super entry level.
[28:54] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I'm thinking of things like the five love languages or in any a gram or we did an early episode on play where you take like a little play quiz.
[29:03] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Something that's yeah, so and actually I learned so much about Greg on our play quiz because I'm much more like we can go and play a board game or I'm happy to go throw a ball with you outside.
[29:14] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Turns out Greg likes things more like scrapbooking,
[29:20] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And who I had no idea, and so these things I think just if entered into with a spirit of curiosity about yourself and your partner, that there's got to be something entry that can peek that person's interest.
[29:36] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, that's so good.
[29:37] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, I think that that was just what I was thinking like maybe some hesitation that listeners are just like I don't know how to get my partner on board the sounds so lovely I want this but like how do we get on that same team and I think it can feel like you're stuck a little bit but I would say even to those listeners and then I'd love to hear your encouragement here at the end if someone is kind of going at it on their own is that's a still worthwhile endeavor I think so.
[30:01] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I completely agree.
[30:02] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Absolutely.
[30:03] \[SPEAKER_01\]: You know, it's a team and you want it's great if everybody is fully on board with the culture, but that's not, I also think that maybe it's unrealistic to believe that everybody is gonna be super gung-ho at all times, right?
[30:16] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so some some way want to get an on board at the ground level and others maybe it's gonna take them a little bit of time to warm up, but if you are consistent at it and that it's all done in a spirit of fun.
[30:29] \[SPEAKER_01\]: You know, even the hard stuff, even the shadow work of things like the sernman or we just actually the thing that's so hard for me is our next episode that's coming out is on teasing, which like I just have no basis for and I understand there's lots of pro social benefits to it, so I'm interested, but it's it's hard for me, because I didn't grow up in like a joky, funny house
[30:53] \[SPEAKER_01\]: You know, come from a place of competence that this is an opportunity to lean in so much of what we do today is already working like that's the one thing I always say to our listeners is what is the smallest first step the smallest first step is really just to notice when things are going in a beautiful way with your family when your son puts his plate in the dishwasher when your girls give each other a high five like
[31:21] \[SPEAKER_01\]: when someone gets pajamas out for everybody at Bathtime.
[31:24] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like these are, there are so many beautiful moments that exist in all of our families today that I think can also really give us that the confidence that we need to get started into some of this work and also kind of fight that internal battle against so many and messages that we receive today about toddler tantrums and picky eaters and bedtime battles.
[31:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: because that's just a part of life.
[31:49] \[SPEAKER_01\]: That's, you know, there's so much good there, too.
[31:52] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah.
[31:52] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah.
[31:53] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Do you have anything else to add, Greg?
[31:55] \[SPEAKER_00\]: On the individual level, I think that it's sometimes helpful to have like a rival in your mind.
[32:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: You mentioned keeping up with the Jones' earlier and what showed up for me is that rivals are really helpful in framing anti-roll models, if you will.
[32:18] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like who you don't want to be like.
[32:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Yeah.
[32:20] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I think that as an individual, it's really helpful to have an anti-roll model and that helps align with what you actually do want.
[32:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Where I want to be, what kind of dad do I want to be?
[32:33] \[SPEAKER_00\]: What kind of husband do I want to be?
[32:35] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And over the years, I have a bunch of different systems and my own rituals of alignment for my business, for the way that I'd like to show up in the world.
[32:46] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And one way that I heard a long time ago that a husband should grade himself on at any given time is in the four quadrants of father, husband, provider, and lover.
[33:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And now you don't have to get a perfect score, in fact, it would be impossible to get a perfect score every quarter every time you have these reflections, but it does help you notice where you need to lean in.
[33:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So when I'm feeling like I haven't spent enough time with my kids and we go on vacation and I'm like, holy cow, I've been missing, you know, so many bedtimes because I've been on the computer or whatever, like.
[33:24] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I try to shift a couple of degrees.
[33:27] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I make one rule that changes a lot of the way that I allocate my time.
[33:31] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, oh, if I only check my email twice a day, instead of anxiety on my phone whenever I kind of pick up the device using that, like Pavlovian Bell type of response.
[33:43] \[SPEAKER_00\]: If I only check it twice a day, I'm gonna have so much more time to just notice, you know, when my kids come home from school and say, hello, and then I can go back to doing what I was doing or something like that.
[33:53] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So I think anti-roll models, the just doing some self-work and then shifting just a couple of degrees, like it's not about going doing 180 ever.
[34:05] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's just about, what can I do to make things a little bit?
[34:10] \[SPEAKER_00\]: It's like, it's during a big boat.
[34:11] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Like, how do I get there?
[34:13] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I'm gonna have to make a bunch of different turns and I just have to keep checking in and calibrate.
[34:19] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, so good.
[34:20] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Well, I mentioned your podcast, but where can listeners listen, follow along with you guys if they want to dive deeper into everything we talked about today.
[34:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Absolutely.
[34:29] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So first, we put out a weekly newsletter where we talk about the episodes and the meat of the topic that we're getting into.
[34:37] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so it's a great way to just even if you don't have time to listen twice a month for 30 minutes, which is our typical episode length, you can read for five minutes on what we're what we're sharing and working on.
[34:49] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And you can sign
[34:54] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And then we're on all the major platforms.
[34:56] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So find us on YouTube, find us on Spotify, find us on Apple.
[35:01] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We do a video podcast and we like to say that this relationship is kind of we're building in public here.
[35:08] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So join us, engage, poke fun at us like whatever it is like we're here for it.
[35:12] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, well, quickly, these are just two rapid-fire questions.
[35:16] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Maybe I'll have whoever feels like you want to take the question.
[35:19] \[SPEAKER_02\]: You can take it, but I have two here at the final two.
[35:22] \[SPEAKER_02\]: First one is, what has been a beneficial resource in your life that you want to share with the listeners?
[35:25] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I know that you'd share that one book, the 10 to 25 by Dr. Gideon.
[35:32] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I'll be sure to link that in the show notes, but do you have anything else that is coming in mind for either of you?
[35:36] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Well, we talked about rituals of alignment, which I think is probably the most important thing about aligning the leaders on a regular basis.
[35:44] \[SPEAKER_00\]: So the stand-ups, the quarterly financial reviews, goal setting, I like a two systems one that's getting things done by David Allen.
[35:51] \[SPEAKER_00\]: The other is the 12 week year, and I make it 12 week plan that encompasses both my work life and my family life.
[35:58] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We did an episode on these, it's called shared systems.
[36:00] \[SPEAKER_00\]: I think it's episode 27.
[36:06] \[SPEAKER_00\]: We say, you know, couple should spend time together face to face side by side and belly button to belly button.
[36:12] \[SPEAKER_00\]: And so, you know, the face to face stuff, I think really allows us to do the other two.
[36:16] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, for sure.
[36:17] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Okay, final question.
[36:18] \[SPEAKER_02\]: What is something you can't stop talking about?
[36:21] \[SPEAKER_00\]: Oh, man.
[36:22] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Uh, yes.
[36:23] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Well, we were thinking about this and it's true that we really cannot stop talking about this.
[36:27] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So, you know, I guess just to one of the things we've been talking a lot about in our home recently has been how the last decade or so of consumer financial consumer technology has really been around individual.
[36:42] \[SPEAKER_01\]: personalized tracking and insights.
[36:45] \[SPEAKER_01\]: So think things like the whoop and the aura ring and even, you know, for things like on your iPad, academic work for our children that can be so personalized and can make sure that they master each level and keep going.
[36:59] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And, you know, since we've been doing this work on family as a team, what we realize is that there is nothing for the family.
[37:07] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Like all of these things have really actually made us, while it's so great to get your individualized insights.
[37:14] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It's
[37:15] \[SPEAKER_01\]: The individuals and our families have never been more resource and yet the individuals have never been more fragmented.
[37:24] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so how can we leverage technology and all of this new wave of artificial intelligence to really bring back the family unit as that focal point?
[37:38] \[SPEAKER_01\]: and create insights and feedback loops that focus on the family as a team as opposed to all these different individuals.
[37:47] \[SPEAKER_01\]: And so that really has our gears turning and, you know, stay tuned.
[37:53] \[SPEAKER_01\]: I would say because we Greg has been spending a lot of time deep diving on how maybe we could bring that to life for families everywhere.
[38:00] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Yeah, that's awesome.
[38:02] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Well, like I said, you guys have definitely, you've convicted me in this area.
[38:06] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And as I said earlier, in any moment, you can always choose to redirect and get yourself back on that path, whether with your partner or with not and your family unit, and it's worth the investment.
[38:16] \[SPEAKER_02\]: So thanks so much for just bringing that back to our attention and for joining me today.
[38:20] \[SPEAKER_01\]: Yeah, thank you so much, Diana.
[38:22] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It was great.
[38:22] \[SPEAKER_01\]: It was really great speaking with you.
[38:25] \[SPEAKER_02\]: What did you think of the episode?
[38:26] \[SPEAKER_02\]: I hope you enjoyed the conversation.
[38:28] \[SPEAKER_02\]: To learn more about today's guest, including links, resources related to everything discussed today, visit the episode page at minimalismomspodcast.com where you can find the entire podcast archive as well as my book Minimalismoms Living and Parenting with Simplicity, or other ways to connect or work with me online.
[38:47] \[SPEAKER_02\]: If you'd like to support the podcast, the easiest and most impactful thing you can do, is subscribe to the show on iTunes, Spotify, or YouTube, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
[38:56] \[SPEAKER_02\]: And leave a rating or review of your favorite episode.
[38:59] \[SPEAKER_02\]: Lastly, sharing the show or your favorite episode with friends and social media is very helpful and will encourage others on their journey to think more and do with less.

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