# Ep. 441 "Take Some Sh*t Off Her Plate & The Panties Will Follow" ft. Tana C. Gilmore

An episode of [Cocktales with Kiki](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1149484402), 11 Apr 2025, 1 h 21 min.

Audio: https://op3.dev/e/dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/pdst.fm/e/claritaspod.com/measure/pscrb.fm/rss/p/mgln.ai/e/p5972/api.spreaker.com/download/episode/65540652/cocktales_441_ft_tana_c_glimore_1.mp3

This week, we’re shaking things up with The Affair — the cocktail, not your situationship (but if the shoe fits…). We’re joined by the fabulous matchmaker and intimacy expert Tana C. Gilmore, and let’s just say: she’s spilling all the tea on sexless marriages, spicy matchmaking secrets, and why living in separate states from your husband might just save your marriage and your sanity. We’re talking grown folks business — from side-eyes over the group chat to couples who haven’t had sex in 12 years (girl, yes, 12!). Tune in for laughs, lessons, and a reminder to charge your vibrator AND your emotional batteries. Follow Us @cocktalespodcast @kikisaidso @coffeebeandean Follow our guest @tanacgilmore Right now, Galatea is offering our listeners an extra 25% off on top of an already-irresistibly-affordable subscription when you go to www.GALATEA.COM/COCKTALES. If you’re 21+, try VIIA during their annual SPRING 420 SALE for Black Friday-level savings up to 35% OFF site wide! Go to https://viia.co/COCKTALES and use code COCKTALES! Check out ErikaLust.com and get 45% off your subscription with code COCKTALES45 www.erikalust.com For all promo codes and links for promotions in the episode, follow this link: https://linktr.ee/cocktalesads Contact Us! Advice: advice@cocktalespod.com Cocktales: cocktales@cocktalespod.com Weird Sex: weirdsex@cocktalespod.com Live Show Sponsorship: sales@cocktalespod.com Guest Request/ General Inquiries info@cocktalespod.com Get your Vesper and other Jewelry From Crave https://lovecrave.com/cocktales Get Your Merch & Order Your Card Game Purchase Merch www.imcurioustoknow.com Get Klassy Baste! Learn to Cook with Kiki www.klassybaste.com Join Kiki's Book Club- https://www.patreon.com/kikisaidso In April we're reading "The Personal Librarian" Travel With Medinah! Visit ParadiseandVibe.com What's Your Attachment Style Home?Take The Quiz Interested in sponsoring? Contact sales@cocktalespod.com today! Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/cocktales-with-kiki--2818687/support. CONNECT WITH US Follow the host and join the conversation after the episode: Kiki Said So (Kiara Walker) Instagram: @kikisaidso TikTok: @kikisaidso Cocktales With Kiki Instagram:@cocktalespodcast TikTok: @cocktalespodcast Want to be a guest on Cocktales? We are always looking for interesting guests, experts, and storytellers to join the show. If you would like to be considered, please fill out our guest submission form here: Guest Interest Form

## Transcript

[0:02] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, Check one two, check one two.
[0:04] Speaker 2: Is this Mike On?
[0:05] Speaker 3: Is this Mike On?
[0:06] Speaker 2: Hey listen man, it's the one and only trunks that
[0:08] Speaker 2: are DJ sis and you're listening to cocktails dirty Discussions with.
[0:12] Speaker 1: Kikia Medina Monroe.
[0:14] Speaker 2: Yeah, today's cocktail is called be a Fair. The ingredients
[0:26] Speaker 2: you need, you're gonna need two ounces of Villain, a
[0:31] Speaker 2: half ounce of vanilla syrup, and one ounce of espresso
[0:37] Speaker 2: or a cold brew, and some coffee beans for a garnish.
[0:40] Speaker 2: So grab you martini glass, make sure it's clean. You're
[0:44] Speaker 2: going to put two ounces of the Villain into the shaker,
[0:46] Speaker 2: the Coxa shaker full of ice. I love a good
[0:49] Speaker 2: coffee drink. I do too.
[0:51] Speaker 1: It's funny because when we were planning out drinks, I
[0:54] Speaker 1: put down a variation of a espresso martini.
[0:58] Speaker 2: I was like, look at us on the same bags,
[1:02] Speaker 2: all right, So then you want to do one ounce
[1:05] Speaker 2: of your cold brew.
[1:07] Speaker 1: I made this myself today. What Starbucks yep, I know
[1:12] Speaker 1: y'all said we're not supposed to be there, but I
[1:14] Speaker 1: got plenty of Starbucks prides and it is what it is.
[1:17] Speaker 2: I accidentally went into Target the other day and I
[1:19] Speaker 2: but it's okay. I'm gonna take it all back. A
[1:23] Speaker 2: half ounce of your vanilla syrup? Is that made syrupy?
[1:27] Speaker 2: It is?
[1:28] Speaker 1: I did it myself, and I didn't use white sugar.
[1:30] Speaker 1: I used the Terpernado sugar, the raw sugar. It's giving
[1:33] Speaker 1: only the best for you, ladies.
[1:35] Speaker 3: I love that.
[1:35] Speaker 2: Have you been watching with love Megan? Yes, Oh my gosh,
[1:38] Speaker 2: my mom is the best. Now you're gonna shake all
[1:41] Speaker 2: of these ingredients up, shake bag coffee, shaky and shakey
[1:45] Speaker 2: and chancey shape, shakey baby shanky.
[1:49] Speaker 1: My hands are cold.
[1:50] Speaker 2: You're strain it into your martini glass. Now, if we
[1:54] Speaker 2: had a little coco desk, we would rim the martini
[1:57] Speaker 2: with a little cocoa dust. But got also my start
[1:59] Speaker 2: looking nasty, So we just gotta clean naked glass and.
[2:02] Speaker 1: It might be looking nasty like on our faces while
[2:04] Speaker 1: we record.
[2:05] Speaker 2: Right, and then you want to that was the perfect amount.
[2:11] Speaker 2: Grab some of those coffee bean beans and sprinkle it
[2:13] Speaker 2: right into the affair.
[2:18] Speaker 1: I did six because somebody told me three is good
[2:20] Speaker 1: luck and we need double the luck. One of them
[2:22] Speaker 1: fell down there. I don't know what that means anyway,
[2:24] Speaker 1: And you yours, welcome back to cocktails, dirty discussions, you guys.
[2:29] Speaker 2: I'm Kiki sets So, I'm Adina Monroe. Hey, y'all, Hey.
[2:33] Speaker 1: This tastes. This taste, this drink is really tasty. The
[2:37] Speaker 1: upstair good recipe.
[2:39] Speaker 2: And you know you gotta be careful with those coffee
[2:41] Speaker 2: recipes at least I do. Sometimes, like when I do
[2:44] Speaker 2: a coffee cocktail, I'll do too much of something and
[2:47] Speaker 2: not enough.
[2:47] Speaker 1: Of the other to get like a good balance.
[2:49] Speaker 2: Yeah, to get a good you know, I actually like
[2:51] Speaker 2: the flavor of coffee. Like I am very satisfied with
[2:55] Speaker 2: the affair.
[2:56] Speaker 1: That's the name of God too, not actually an affair,
[2:59] Speaker 1: just the y'all.
[3:01] Speaker 2: Before Kicky and I move on to our guest, I
[3:04] Speaker 2: want to remind everybody that August twenty fourth, of the
[3:07] Speaker 2: twenty seventh I will be at the Enchantment Retreat in Sedona,
[3:10] Speaker 2: Arizona with Isa Ray and Paradise and Vibe. If you'd
[3:14] Speaker 2: like to join us on this amazing well, mister treat,
[3:17] Speaker 2: go to Paradise and Vibe dot com and tell them
[3:19] Speaker 2: I sent you, Okay.
[3:22] Speaker 1: And we would like to introduce our guests. So we
[3:25] Speaker 1: told you guys some time ago about going to a
[3:28] Speaker 1: poly matchmaking event with Glamazon Tyomi. It was fun, it
[3:33] Speaker 1: was and while we were there, we were able to
[3:36] Speaker 1: meet lots of different people, and the woman who coached
[3:40] Speaker 1: and taught Tyomi how to do what it is that
[3:43] Speaker 1: she's doing for these different potential poly matches is here
[3:47] Speaker 1: with us today. Welcome Tana.
[3:49] Speaker 3: How are you amazing?
[3:50] Speaker 4: Thank you ladies for having me, of course, and you're
[3:54] Speaker 4: Toomi's mentor.
[3:56] Speaker 2: I think that's super dope. Are you from Atlanta?
[4:00] Speaker 4: No, I'm from Chicago. Actually she's from Chicago as well.
[4:05] Speaker 3: I think I knew.
[4:06] Speaker 2: Yeah, so we spoke a little bit at the poly
[4:11] Speaker 2: matchmaking event. You are not Polly No, no, no, neither are we.
[4:15] Speaker 2: We were all just there.
[4:16] Speaker 3: Polly in it up, but non judgmental, and I support her.
[4:20] Speaker 2: Non judgmental at all. To the point where I was
[4:21] Speaker 2: about to be in somebody's relationship. I was like, Okay,
[4:24] Speaker 2: what y'all want to do this weekend?
[4:27] Speaker 1: Right?
[4:28] Speaker 2: Well, it was to be in the environment and kind
[4:30] Speaker 2: of dip and dabble in it. I am a dip
[4:32] Speaker 2: and dabbler, not in the lifestyle, but I can go
[4:35] Speaker 2: and be around people and supporter.
[4:37] Speaker 1: There we go and I find it interesting because I'm
[4:39] Speaker 1: always curious about why people do relationships the way that
[4:43] Speaker 1: they do and exploring different mindsets because sometimes it'll open
[4:48] Speaker 1: me up to look at things in a different way
[4:49] Speaker 1: that I've never even considered. And that's something I can
[4:53] Speaker 1: appreciate about the poly people that I met there. A
[4:55] Speaker 1: lot of people said that they were they were like us,
[4:58] Speaker 1: but it was still cool to be and meet people
[5:01] Speaker 1: and learn some different things. But we were really interested
[5:03] Speaker 1: in the things that you were sharing with us. So
[5:05] Speaker 1: you're a matchmaker, you're an intimacy coordinator, and you do
[5:08] Speaker 1: all of these cool things. And then you were telling
[5:10] Speaker 1: us about your own relationship. Yes, so I see the
[5:13] Speaker 1: beautiful ring on your hand. You are married, right, Okay
[5:18] Speaker 1: twenty three years? Oh my goodness.
[5:21] Speaker 2: So before we get to know a little bit about
[5:23] Speaker 2: your business, we are going to play a quick game
[5:26] Speaker 2: of I'm Curious to Know. I'm Curious to Know is
[5:28] Speaker 2: a card game that Kiki and I curated to help
[5:31] Speaker 2: you get to know who you fucking. If you want
[5:34] Speaker 2: to order it, go to I'm Curious to Know dot
[5:35] Speaker 2: com and get your deck.
[5:36] Speaker 5: Now.
[5:37] Speaker 1: Okay, I'm curious to know. How do you feel about
[5:40] Speaker 1: traditional gender roles in your relationship.
[5:43] Speaker 4: So there are no traditional gender roles in my relationship.
[5:46] Speaker 4: We have a non traditional, untraditional marriage, so and we
[5:51] Speaker 4: can talk about that.
[5:52] Speaker 3: Now, we can talk about that a little bit.
[5:53] Speaker 1: Give us a little snippet of what's untraditional about it
[5:56] Speaker 1: or non traditional.
[5:57] Speaker 4: Non traditional traditional marriage, if you will. So we live independently,
[6:02] Speaker 4: We live separately. I live here in Atlanta. He lives
[6:05] Speaker 4: in North Carolina. And it absolutely works. And how I
[6:09] Speaker 4: arrived here I filmed the show on Bravo a couple
[6:13] Speaker 4: of years ago, and the show contracted us to live here.
[6:17] Speaker 4: I mean, I want don't really play that, so you
[6:19] Speaker 4: need to actually live in the place that you film.
[6:22] Speaker 4: And so it just worked for me, and I stayed
[6:25] Speaker 4: and I had the opportunity after opportunity after opportunity and
[6:30] Speaker 4: then for me and so I went to him and
[6:32] Speaker 4: I was like, you know, I really want to stay here.
[6:34] Speaker 4: There are opportunities that are presented to me, and I
[6:36] Speaker 4: want to just explore this a little longer where you
[6:38] Speaker 4: allow me this time to do that. And he was
[6:40] Speaker 4: like absolutely, immediately immediately, he's the most supportive person that
[6:45] Speaker 4: I know. He was like absolutely, Now let's talk about
[6:48] Speaker 4: what that looks like.
[6:50] Speaker 2: Can I get some necessarily?
[6:55] Speaker 4: However, however, you know, so it's it's really like again,
[7:00] Speaker 4: we have two separate homes and I can do whatever.
[7:06] Speaker 2: You know.
[7:06] Speaker 4: When I say whatever, it means that you know, I
[7:08] Speaker 4: live independently. I have other friends, I have other family
[7:11] Speaker 4: members that come and visit me. Really, I live like
[7:15] Speaker 4: a single woman. However, I am married. So when he's
[7:18] Speaker 4: in town, I am so married. I'm committed to him.
[7:21] Speaker 4: I am cooking, I'm cleaning.
[7:23] Speaker 2: Massaging, sex, and whatever it is.
[7:26] Speaker 4: I am she when he's here and when I go
[7:29] Speaker 4: back home, because we have another home in North Carolina,
[7:32] Speaker 4: i am. But when I'm here, I'm doing me and
[7:34] Speaker 4: it's perfectly okay with him.
[7:36] Speaker 2: Now, I'm curious to know. This is not on the
[7:38] Speaker 2: car deck, but I am curious to know living separately
[7:40] Speaker 2: and independently, when you guys are separate, does that mean
[7:43] Speaker 2: that you keep the finances completely separate, Like you pay
[7:46] Speaker 2: for your home and he pays for the other home.
[7:47] Speaker 2: Great question.
[7:48] Speaker 3: That is absolutely how we work.
[7:50] Speaker 4: So he takes care of all the expenses in North
[7:53] Speaker 4: Carolina at our home there, and I take care of
[7:55] Speaker 4: all of the expenses here in Atlanta.
[7:57] Speaker 2: Wow, everything that is beautiful.
[7:59] Speaker 4: So we live when I say we live independently, we
[8:01] Speaker 4: live independently.
[8:03] Speaker 1: Do you think it helps, like keep it exciting when
[8:06] Speaker 1: y'all are together, since y'all do have these extended periods apart.
[8:10] Speaker 4: It does because it's almost like you know, we're dating
[8:13] Speaker 4: over again. Yeah, you know, we look forward to it.
[8:16] Speaker 4: We get on the calendar, we'll pull our calendars out
[8:18] Speaker 4: and say when are you coming?
[8:19] Speaker 3: Or when am I coming there?
[8:21] Speaker 4: Or we may meet somewhere else, and so it just
[8:24] Speaker 4: you know, with twenty three years, it becomes monotonous.
[8:27] Speaker 2: Let's just say what it is like. Yeah, becomes boring.
[8:30] Speaker 4: Sometimes it becomes monotonous, it becomes mundane. But you have
[8:34] Speaker 4: got to create the spice in the in the relationship
[8:37] Speaker 4: or it will fall flat. In most marriages, that's the case.
[8:41] Speaker 4: So if anybody tells you it doesn't, they're lying.
[8:43] Speaker 1: It does.
[8:44] Speaker 2: They are lion, it does.
[8:46] Speaker 4: It will fall flat if you don't keep the spark.
[8:49] Speaker 4: You mean, you have to create it. So it takes
[8:51] Speaker 4: a creative person to make it happen.
[8:55] Speaker 2: Creating. Yeah, okay, I'm curious to know. On a scale
[8:59] Speaker 2: of one to how happy are you right now?
[9:02] Speaker 6: Ooh?
[9:02] Speaker 4: I would say a ten plus.
[9:04] Speaker 1: Okay, let me.
[9:06] Speaker 2: Tell you why, please do. Let me tell you why.
[9:08] Speaker 3: So a little bit about me.
[9:11] Speaker 4: I was a teen mom, so I had my first
[9:14] Speaker 4: child at seventeen, and so I had my child at seventeen.
[9:18] Speaker 4: I went right away to school after that, and so
[9:21] Speaker 4: I didn't stop from there.
[9:23] Speaker 3: Then I had another child.
[9:24] Speaker 4: Then I got married the first time, and then we
[9:27] Speaker 4: got divorced. I didn't married somebody that I really didn't know.
[9:30] Speaker 4: So I had always lived with someone or someone always
[9:33] Speaker 4: lived with me, and I always was always taking care
[9:37] Speaker 4: of somebody else in my house. And then fast forward,
[9:40] Speaker 4: I married my husband, and he had children, and he
[9:43] Speaker 4: was a single father, so when I met him, he
[9:48] Speaker 4: had three children, and so we were a whole Brady
[9:50] Speaker 4: Bunch type of situation. I had two children, he had three.
[9:54] Speaker 4: We had raised five kids in the house. So again
[9:57] Speaker 4: we've always had somebody living with us, and I've always
[10:02] Speaker 4: I've never lived alone until now, in my entire life,
[10:06] Speaker 4: never lived alone. I didn't live on campus. I lived
[10:09] Speaker 4: off campus, so I didn't have those experiences that normal
[10:12] Speaker 4: people had. So now that my kids are grown, I
[10:16] Speaker 4: have grandchildren, like I am living my best.
[10:19] Speaker 2: Homeands call you. I know They don't call you granny.
[10:24] Speaker 4: They call me because well, my oldest grandson, he lives
[10:27] Speaker 4: in Germany, so he was born in Germany. He's you know,
[10:30] Speaker 4: that's his first language. So yeah, and German is and
[10:35] Speaker 4: is German?
[10:35] Speaker 2: Yeah, or only my my niece and nephew, their dad's German,
[10:39] Speaker 2: they call yeah.
[10:41] Speaker 3: So now so.
[10:42] Speaker 4: Every every other grand kid after that they call me.
[10:45] Speaker 2: And I love it.
[10:46] Speaker 3: I love it.
[10:47] Speaker 2: So I'm so happy for you. Live in your own space.
[10:49] Speaker 2: You get to decorate it how you want to, floral
[10:51] Speaker 2: walk and it is such a vibe.
[10:54] Speaker 4: Everybody that comes over to my house don't want to leave.
[10:57] Speaker 4: I'm coming over, come over, we'll have we'll do this.
[11:04] Speaker 1: Yeah, we can have an uncensored combo.
[11:07] Speaker 2: Bye. I love that.
[11:09] Speaker 1: Oh bye, okay, this is my last one. What do
[11:12] Speaker 1: you consider wife or husband? Only benefits?
[11:16] Speaker 2: Oh?
[11:18] Speaker 4: You know what, I don't. I consider those benefits what
[11:22] Speaker 4: you make them? So you create your own No, but.
[11:24] Speaker 3: I mean you, oh for me?
[11:26] Speaker 1: Yes, for you?
[11:27] Speaker 4: Why for only benefits? You're not giving anybody else our money?
[11:32] Speaker 4: Okay you see what I'm saying. No, no, no, even
[11:35] Speaker 4: though we live separately, when I need you, you're there
[11:38] Speaker 4: for me. When you need me. I'm there for you.
[11:40] Speaker 4: You're not spending the money on anybody else. They're still
[11:44] Speaker 4: household money.
[11:45] Speaker 1: Exactly. We just have two homes, exactly.
[11:49] Speaker 2: You're not doing that. I don't play with me.
[11:50] Speaker 3: No, no, no, we're not doing that.
[11:52] Speaker 2: Okay, this is my last one, Tanna. I'm curious to
[11:54] Speaker 2: know what type of gifts do you like to give
[11:56] Speaker 2: and receive?
[11:57] Speaker 5: Oh?
[11:57] Speaker 3: So I like experiences.
[11:59] Speaker 4: So if you think my love language isn't really gifts,
[12:02] Speaker 4: I mean I can buy myself gifts, but that doesn't.
[12:04] Speaker 3: Really you know.
[12:07] Speaker 4: So when you create an experience, like a trip of vacation,
[12:12] Speaker 4: bump me up the first class, you know, do that,
[12:16] Speaker 4: do that plan something that I've never experienced. I'm all
[12:20] Speaker 4: about creating memories. I'm a memory queen. Like you're gonna
[12:24] Speaker 4: get a memory with me, and I expect the same.
[12:27] Speaker 4: So create a memory and let me experience.
[12:30] Speaker 2: Does the memory or the experience always have to be
[12:32] Speaker 2: something luxurious or can it be something fun?
[12:34] Speaker 3: No? Not at all.
[12:36] Speaker 4: So again, if you've never if I know that someone
[12:40] Speaker 4: has never gone horseback riding, oh, I'm gonna create a
[12:43] Speaker 4: whole vibe. So we're gonna do a picnic. We're gonna
[12:44] Speaker 4: do a horseback ride. We're going to stop and them
[12:47] Speaker 4: have some cocktails, like all of them. So that's a memory,
[12:50] Speaker 4: that's an experience. That's all of what one hundred dollars.
[12:53] Speaker 1: It's funny that you say horseback riding because I was
[12:55] Speaker 1: literally thinking that I went horseback riding with somebody and
[12:58] Speaker 1: it was on his bucket. He had never done it before,
[13:01] Speaker 1: and he was just so excited. It was like watching
[13:04] Speaker 1: a little kid go to like six Flags or something
[13:06] Speaker 1: and it's like, Oh, it's so cool and run the
[13:08] Speaker 1: horse and I'm like, oh, I've done that, You've never
[13:10] Speaker 1: done it. So we went and did it and it
[13:13] Speaker 1: was fun. And it's nice when you're thinking about dates.
[13:16] Speaker 1: If you can get give somebody an experience for the
[13:19] Speaker 1: first time, it really is cool to.
[13:23] Speaker 4: Do that because guess what, they're going to always remember you.
[13:27] Speaker 4: They'll never remember who they went to see Star Wars
[13:29] Speaker 4: with No No, but they'll always remember who they went
[13:32] Speaker 4: horseback riding.
[13:33] Speaker 2: I plugged really quick since we're talking about horseback riding,
[13:35] Speaker 2: and I always love to plug black businesses. If you
[13:38] Speaker 2: are in Atlanta or in the Atlanta area, there is
[13:41] Speaker 2: a black owned farm. It's called Soufa ranch, soofa ranch.
[13:45] Speaker 2: It is black owned, and every time I go horseback
[13:48] Speaker 2: riding there, I go. I volunteered there before, I've taken
[13:51] Speaker 2: lessons there before, and it is a It's just I
[13:54] Speaker 2: love the people. Husband and wife own it. They give lessons,
[13:57] Speaker 2: they give an experience. If you want to have a
[13:58] Speaker 2: date night or date day that you can have a picnic,
[14:02] Speaker 2: go riding. It's just such an experience. So if you
[14:04] Speaker 2: guys are wanting to plan some sort of horseback riding day,
[14:07] Speaker 2: go to supermanch dot com.
[14:08] Speaker 1: Yes, warming up, it's about time to get outside and
[14:11] Speaker 1: be one with nature.
[14:12] Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, so that's I'm curious to know. If you
[14:15] Speaker 2: like to order the game, go to I'm curiousnow dot
[14:17] Speaker 2: com and order it now.
[14:18] Speaker 1: Okay, wait, it's time for weird say.
[14:23] Speaker 5: You said a man is not a necessity.
[14:26] Speaker 2: A man is a luxury like dessert.
[14:30] Speaker 1: Yeah, a man is absolutely not necessity.
[14:33] Speaker 2: Did you mean that to sound meaning bitter?
[14:36] Speaker 1: Oh not at all. I adore dessert.
[14:39] Speaker 2: I love man.
[14:40] Speaker 1: I think men are the coolest, but you don't really
[14:43] Speaker 1: need them to live.
[14:48] Speaker 2: Okay.
[14:48] Speaker 1: I don't know about you, guys, but life has been really,
[14:52] Speaker 1: really busy lately. And one thing that I love to
[14:56] Speaker 1: do when I finally steal a few minutes from myself
[14:59] Speaker 1: is too you charge with a good book. Not only
[15:02] Speaker 1: do I enjoy the books that we read in my
[15:05] Speaker 1: book club, but I just enjoy reading. I love Hey,
[15:08] Speaker 1: so you guys, this week's where it's sex. It really
[15:10] Speaker 1: is a weird story. So there is a story that's
[15:12] Speaker 1: been going around. I don't know if y'all have seen it.
[15:14] Speaker 1: Hopefully not so that you don't even see craziness like
[15:16] Speaker 1: this on your timeline. But there's a story about a
[15:19] Speaker 1: throuple and there's a man who got a woman and
[15:24] Speaker 1: her mother pregnant by the same guy, right, and one
[15:28] Speaker 1: of them in the throttle I think it's the guy
[15:30] Speaker 1: is a YouTuber and they're posting these videos and they're
[15:33] Speaker 1: sharing how they're all so excited and the mama in
[15:36] Speaker 1: the throttle is going to have whatever junior. And then
[15:40] Speaker 1: the other one it's like Nick Junior, and then Nicole,
[15:43] Speaker 1: the daughter is having a girl. All of it was
[15:46] Speaker 1: a lie, right, they're not really pregnant. But the part,
[15:50] Speaker 1: well not all of it is lie. The pregnancy was
[15:52] Speaker 1: a lie. It was a scheme that they set up
[15:54] Speaker 1: to go vibral right, and it worked. But they say
[15:57] Speaker 1: that they really are in the throttle, the mom and daughter,
[16:00] Speaker 1: and I just think that they all need to go
[16:03] Speaker 1: to jail and then therapy in that order, because what
[16:06] Speaker 1: is going on like that is wild to want to
[16:11] Speaker 1: share a man with your mama. Like we said earlier,
[16:15] Speaker 1: you know you can have a poly relationship, but let's
[16:17] Speaker 1: leave it outside of the family. There's so many people
[16:20] Speaker 1: out here. Y'all need to call gleemo'zon Taomi and get
[16:22] Speaker 1: your own polycule.
[16:24] Speaker 2: Going and with your mama. I don't even share a
[16:26] Speaker 2: fork with my mom. My mom was here a few
[16:28] Speaker 2: weeks ago and she ate off my fork. I don't
[16:30] Speaker 2: know what I'm doing my mouth exactly, and I know.
[16:34] Speaker 1: That's what Okay, I'm.
[16:36] Speaker 2: Not doing that.
[16:38] Speaker 1: I'm not doing that. I feel you on that. And
[16:41] Speaker 1: now y'all are sharing a whole man in his penis
[16:44] Speaker 1: and letting it just do all sorts of things inside
[16:46] Speaker 1: of you. Well, I'm going to keep them on the
[16:49] Speaker 1: prayer list because they need to be delivered from the
[16:51] Speaker 1: pits of hill where they are at. But y'all keep
[16:56] Speaker 1: sending me these wild stories. I'm gonna start a fact
[16:58] Speaker 1: checking stuff because it's so much stuff that y'all me
[17:00] Speaker 1: and I'd be looking it up and the shit is
[17:01] Speaker 1: not real. And it's not that I'm ignoring you, but
[17:03] Speaker 1: some of this is just really far fetched and fabricated.
[17:06] Speaker 1: But the fact that they are in a throutle is wild.
[17:09] Speaker 1: It is wild. Let's be honest, y'all. Sometimes, no matter
[17:13] Speaker 1: how much you really really really want to be in
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[20:21] Speaker 2: Okay Tanna now your primary business matchmaker? Yes, what got
[20:29] Speaker 2: you into that line of work?
[20:30] Speaker 3: Oh gosh?
[20:31] Speaker 4: Oh, so I do have a business partner with that business,
[20:34] Speaker 4: with my matchmaking business. And both of us had gone
[20:38] Speaker 4: through some relationships struggles, and she was separated from her
[20:43] Speaker 4: husband eventually divorced from her husband, and I separated from
[20:46] Speaker 4: my husband. We eventually got back together, but during that
[20:50] Speaker 4: time we supported each other and we were both vps
[20:53] Speaker 4: and executives in marketing, so we would go, we would
[20:56] Speaker 4: travel all over the world closing deals and so what
[20:59] Speaker 4: we did learn together as two black women who didn't
[21:02] Speaker 4: really share what was going on personally, we had the
[21:05] Speaker 4: same household struggle and didn't even talk about it. Right,
[21:09] Speaker 4: we'red together for years long years, years and years and years.
[21:13] Speaker 4: We were to together, traveling four days a week and
[21:15] Speaker 4: never shared what was going on in our home because
[21:18] Speaker 4: sometimes black women just don't share, right, And so we
[21:21] Speaker 4: found ourselves in many situations in the boardroom where people
[21:25] Speaker 4: were just telling us all our business, I mean C
[21:27] Speaker 4: level executives just telling us everything and so we realized,
[21:32] Speaker 4: you know what we're really good at getting, you know,
[21:34] Speaker 4: giving advice, and so we decided to get go back
[21:38] Speaker 4: to school, get credentialed, be credentialed and certified relationship coaching,
[21:41] Speaker 4: day coaching and matchmaking. And so once we opened up
[21:45] Speaker 4: our doors, we quit our corporate job within two months
[21:49] Speaker 4: because we had so much business that we couldn't do
[21:51] Speaker 4: both two monthly. Yet our first day of business, we
[21:55] Speaker 4: were featured in the New York Post and so we
[21:58] Speaker 4: were national immediately. So and then we did interview after
[22:02] Speaker 4: interview after interview and went viral, and within two months
[22:06] Speaker 4: we said we can't do this corporate job.
[22:09] Speaker 2: We gave up.
[22:10] Speaker 4: Six figure, mid six figure corporate cushy jobs and never
[22:14] Speaker 4: looked back, never looked back, and it's been almost thirteen years.
[22:18] Speaker 3: Never looked back.
[22:19] Speaker 1: That's amazing. I want to know when you are getting
[22:22] Speaker 1: your clients, so y'all stay booked and busy, what would
[22:25] Speaker 1: you say, are like the most common reasons that you
[22:28] Speaker 1: find that clients are coming to you to help them
[22:31] Speaker 1: find love versus doing it the old fashioned way.
[22:34] Speaker 4: Yeah, So our clientele is primarily affluent, progressive, single black
[22:42] Speaker 4: women who've never been married in no children, but desire that.
[22:46] Speaker 4: And most of them had are surgeons, doctors, business owners, celebrities,
[22:52] Speaker 4: those types of politicians. And they didn't have any relationship skills.
[22:57] Speaker 4: They were never taught. Most of us were never taught
[22:59] Speaker 4: growing up. You know, we have these grandmothers with ten
[23:02] Speaker 4: twelve kids, and nobody talked about how they got them. Nobody, nobody,
[23:06] Speaker 4: you know, so they came to us with zero relationship
[23:11] Speaker 4: experience because we were told, you know, you go to
[23:14] Speaker 4: school as black women, you go to school, you get
[23:17] Speaker 4: your education, you climb, climb, climb, you grind, grind, grind,
[23:21] Speaker 4: and then eventually you get into corporate and you continue
[23:24] Speaker 4: to climb and you prove yourself. Books before boys, that's
[23:28] Speaker 4: what we were all taught, right, books before boys, don't
[23:31] Speaker 4: even look back.
[23:32] Speaker 2: Love will find you. And then it finds you, and
[23:35] Speaker 2: you're like, no, don't. They said, no, it don't find
[23:39] Speaker 2: Oh we'll be finding me. Oh, but I'm not a doctor,
[23:41] Speaker 2: a surgeon, or a lawyers. They spent half their life
[23:47] Speaker 2: in school, and so love doesn't find them.
[23:50] Speaker 4: And you roll over at forty five or forty years old,
[23:53] Speaker 4: and there's it's cold, there's nothing there, but you can't
[23:57] Speaker 4: cut up with that degree.
[23:58] Speaker 1: You your dog and your vibe, saying, really.
[24:01] Speaker 2: If the vibrator don't die, and if the dog ain't dead,
[24:03] Speaker 2: and if you didn't charge it, and then you just screwed.
[24:05] Speaker 1: I had about three weeks of episodes complaining about mine
[24:09] Speaker 1: being dead and burnt up.
[24:10] Speaker 2: Back up, girl, you need to back up a charge.
[24:13] Speaker 1: It was like ten of them, they were just all gone.
[24:15] Speaker 1: I went through a drought. But anyway, yeah, I'm rea.
[24:19] Speaker 2: The way that you said all that, it really is
[24:21] Speaker 2: somebody's story. It is a lot of stories where it's.
[24:25] Speaker 3: Thousands of women.
[24:26] Speaker 4: It's their story, and so they wake up and they're like,
[24:29] Speaker 4: oh my gosh, I don't have anybody, and what do
[24:31] Speaker 4: I do? Not only do I not have anybody, I
[24:33] Speaker 4: don't even have the skills to know where to find them.
[24:36] Speaker 4: So that's where that's when they come. That's when they come.
[24:40] Speaker 4: So then, and we've never paid a dime for advertising
[24:43] Speaker 4: in twelve thirteen years, no one dime in advertisement, not
[24:47] Speaker 4: at all. And so they come to us, and they
[24:51] Speaker 4: come to us with zero experience. So they don't know
[24:54] Speaker 4: how to flirt, they don't know how to communicate, they
[24:57] Speaker 4: don't have conflict resolution. They don't have any of those things,
[25:01] Speaker 4: not any of it. So we spend time coaching them
[25:04] Speaker 4: to prep them.
[25:05] Speaker 3: For a relationship.
[25:06] Speaker 4: It's a disservice for me to sit you in front
[25:08] Speaker 4: of somebody and you don't have the skill set to
[25:10] Speaker 4: transition their relationship, right, So we spend a whole two
[25:15] Speaker 4: months or so just coaching before it's gonna be two
[25:17] Speaker 4: months before you sit down with anybody in our program.
[25:20] Speaker 1: Now, the men that you are matching them up with,
[25:25] Speaker 1: are these men who are coming to you and paying
[25:27] Speaker 1: for matchmaking services or as well? Or where do you
[25:30] Speaker 1: source them from?
[25:31] Speaker 4: No, So we have so many ways that we source.
[25:34] Speaker 4: We have recruiters that work for us all over the
[25:36] Speaker 4: country that we may send out to hunt for them.
[25:39] Speaker 4: And then because we're looking for somebody specific. You know, some.
[25:43] Speaker 3: Matchmakers do they match client to client. We don't.
[25:47] Speaker 2: And here's why because just because the person.
[25:51] Speaker 3: That I have for you may not be a client.
[25:54] Speaker 4: You know, why would I match you with somebody who
[25:57] Speaker 4: is If you're forty five and he's twenty eight, not match,
[26:00] Speaker 4: not a match. So they're just trying to fulfill a contract.
[26:04] Speaker 4: We are heart hunting on your behalf.
[26:07] Speaker 3: I love it.
[26:09] Speaker 4: There's bounty hunters, there's house hunters, there's hair hunters. We
[26:16] Speaker 4: are heart hunting on your behalf because your person is
[26:18] Speaker 4: different from her person right in my person different. So
[26:23] Speaker 4: we have we have the responsibility and been charged.
[26:26] Speaker 3: To go find them.
[26:27] Speaker 2: So we have.
[26:28] Speaker 4: So we have a database of thirteen years of people
[26:31] Speaker 4: that have been singles that join our community. We have
[26:33] Speaker 4: an elite Bowt community with our elite men.
[26:37] Speaker 2: We have that's the rich man well or the fine men?
[26:41] Speaker 5: Well?
[26:43] Speaker 3: Right, you know, some would say high value.
[26:45] Speaker 2: I really don't like that, lad that I hate that term,
[26:49] Speaker 2: but some would.
[26:50] Speaker 4: Call it that.
[26:50] Speaker 3: But that is a premium.
[26:53] Speaker 2: So what type of woman do you put with a
[26:55] Speaker 2: high value man? Does she have to look a certain
[26:57] Speaker 2: way to talk a certain way?
[26:58] Speaker 3: No, No, it just depends.
[27:00] Speaker 4: Again, it's specific to your individual needs and we don't
[27:03] Speaker 4: know what that is until we meet with you, until
[27:05] Speaker 4: we really kind of hone in.
[27:07] Speaker 2: On what it is that you're looking for and do
[27:09] Speaker 2: something that we talked about. This what you do is
[27:10] Speaker 2: a strategy session. Yeah, we have a session. Does a
[27:13] Speaker 2: strategy session entail?
[27:16] Speaker 4: Yeah? So it's just a series of questions that we
[27:18] Speaker 4: asked and get to know your past challenges, get to
[27:20] Speaker 4: know a little bit more about your personality, tell you
[27:24] Speaker 4: a little bit more about our services to even decide
[27:27] Speaker 4: if we may even take you, because we don't take everybody.
[27:30] Speaker 1: Yeah, what's it fit to work together? What's something that
[27:33] Speaker 1: makes you say we're not gonna be able to help her?
[27:36] Speaker 4: Or great question, it's somebody that we don't think is coachable,
[27:40] Speaker 4: because if you're not gonna listen to me, it's not
[27:42] Speaker 4: gonna it's a waste of my time in a waste
[27:44] Speaker 4: of your investment.
[27:45] Speaker 2: What is a question you could ask somebody that lets
[27:47] Speaker 2: you know they're not gonna listen.
[27:50] Speaker 4: What was your contribution to the failed relationships that you've had?
[27:55] Speaker 1: And if they say nothing, I do anything.
[27:58] Speaker 2: I don't know.
[27:59] Speaker 3: I can't think of any thing.
[28:00] Speaker 2: It wasn't me.
[28:01] Speaker 1: That person lacks accountability, Like.
[28:04] Speaker 4: There's always a contribution, there's something. What is one thing
[28:08] Speaker 4: that he complained about with you? Because you're not together
[28:11] Speaker 4: for a reason, and not necessarily that it's your fault completely,
[28:15] Speaker 4: but tell me some of the things that he complained
[28:17] Speaker 4: about he or she.
[28:20] Speaker 2: Even if his complaint made sense, like maybe it's like
[28:23] Speaker 2: you stopped having sex, but you stopped having sex because
[28:25] Speaker 2: you knew he was cheap, so you're like, that was
[28:28] Speaker 2: his reason, right.
[28:30] Speaker 1: And so let's just but you should still be able
[28:32] Speaker 1: to say that.
[28:33] Speaker 4: Just exactly, be comfortable admitting to your own faults. Be
[28:38] Speaker 4: comfortable looking into the mirror and asking what was my
[28:41] Speaker 4: contribution to this failed relationship?
[28:44] Speaker 1: Yeah, and how do you move on from that?
[28:45] Speaker 5: So?
[28:46] Speaker 1: Okay, So let's say you're doing your strategy session and
[28:49] Speaker 1: this person does seem coachable, and so you take them
[28:52] Speaker 1: on as a client. What does it look like from
[28:57] Speaker 1: approval after the strategy session to maybe the first days
[29:01] Speaker 1: that you match them up with.
[29:02] Speaker 4: Oh, I have a first date going on as we speak.
[29:06] Speaker 4: I feel so good about this one. I feel so
[29:10] Speaker 4: good about you know, I'm usually never wrong when it
[29:13] Speaker 4: comes to you know, sometimes you just have that feeling,
[29:15] Speaker 4: that discernment. It's like, really, I feel really good about us.
[29:18] Speaker 4: Can't wait to when I leave here call and find
[29:20] Speaker 4: out what happened? Is there on date right now? But
[29:24] Speaker 4: I just feel like from the time there's a strategy
[29:26] Speaker 4: session again, we're going through coaching. Because if it hasn't
[29:30] Speaker 4: worked for you and.
[29:31] Speaker 2: All this time and you don't have any skills, you
[29:33] Speaker 2: don't know what to do.
[29:34] Speaker 4: You don't know what to say to this person. You
[29:36] Speaker 4: don't know even what questions to ask. You don't know
[29:40] Speaker 4: to listen intently, you don't know how to regurgitate the conversation,
[29:44] Speaker 4: none of those things. You don't know how to express
[29:46] Speaker 4: your needs. There's so many different things. And long gone
[29:49] Speaker 4: are the days that our needs, don't you know, go unmet.
[29:52] Speaker 4: So we coach our clients. So no, you well, your
[29:55] Speaker 4: needs will be met in this next relationship.
[29:57] Speaker 2: Do you want me to teach you? How have you
[29:59] Speaker 2: ever had a client call you, like and she's on
[30:01] Speaker 2: the date or he and they're like, he just asked me,
[30:03] Speaker 2: I don't know today.
[30:04] Speaker 4: No, they coach them. Well, now, sometimes if he's super fine,
[30:10] Speaker 4: they clam up.
[30:11] Speaker 2: That would be me. When they don't think that they're
[30:16] Speaker 2: that attractive.
[30:18] Speaker 1: It's easier, it's okay, he's like practice.
[30:21] Speaker 4: But when they're super fine, they don't even they start stuttering.
[30:24] Speaker 3: They don't, it's a whole thing.
[30:26] Speaker 1: They get weak in the knees and already now.
[30:29] Speaker 2: That's a real thing.
[30:30] Speaker 4: And so you have to walk in with confidence and
[30:33] Speaker 4: know that this, you know, his lucky day to have
[30:38] Speaker 4: you sitting beside him or sitting next to him. You know,
[30:40] Speaker 4: we've coached him, have that confidence, build that and yeah,
[30:44] Speaker 4: you're about to get the experience of your life.
[30:46] Speaker 2: Have you ever been out or maybe in the air
[30:49] Speaker 2: I keep seeing in the airport and you're just like,
[30:51] Speaker 2: this woman or this man is so attractive. I would
[30:54] Speaker 2: love to have them on my roster. Have you ever
[30:56] Speaker 2: approached someone and been like, I would love to match
[31:00] Speaker 2: you with someone only.
[31:02] Speaker 4: Men, because I have a plethora of women. We women
[31:06] Speaker 4: don't do any women to match the men. There's always
[31:10] Speaker 4: a shortage. There's always a shortage, shortage. So if you
[31:13] Speaker 4: we're in the airport, we love the airport, especially a
[31:15] Speaker 4: good lounge. You know, the lounges are fantastic because then
[31:19] Speaker 4: it shows that they have discussionary income, if disposable income,
[31:22] Speaker 4: either they're traveling for work or pleasure. They have some
[31:27] Speaker 4: you know, some level of success or money. So that's
[31:29] Speaker 4: a great place to find somebody. We even encourage our
[31:32] Speaker 4: clients go to the airport a couple hours early. You know,
[31:34] Speaker 4: most of the time they're running to the gate just
[31:36] Speaker 4: trying to get get there.
[31:37] Speaker 1: On Once I got my lounge access, I was getting
[31:40] Speaker 1: to the airport early.
[31:42] Speaker 3: I'm gonna have breakfast. I'm gonna have a couple of mimosas.
[31:44] Speaker 2: Okay, sit here in chit chat, see who's in here.
[31:47] Speaker 4: I'm gonna do all of that and just watch people
[31:51] Speaker 4: watch to see who's and then you know, you look
[31:53] Speaker 4: for rings and stuff like that, and then you walk
[31:55] Speaker 4: up and have conversations and you know, ask them, give
[31:58] Speaker 4: them a compliment, ask them if there's angle, tell them
[32:01] Speaker 4: about our business, invite them to join our Elite Bow database,
[32:05] Speaker 4: and you know, and that's how that's typically that's how
[32:08] Speaker 4: we recruit, and that's how we've trained our recruiters to
[32:11] Speaker 4: go across the country and do that.
[32:13] Speaker 1: Do is that every think that you're just flirting with them? Yes,
[32:15] Speaker 1: before you before you tell them about the business.
[32:17] Speaker 2: And they'll be like, well they have I think that,
[32:20] Speaker 2: So they do.
[32:20] Speaker 4: They're flattered, right because who doesn't welcome a compliment?
[32:24] Speaker 1: Right, So they're so they're.
[32:26] Speaker 3: Flattered and they think I want them, but I don't,
[32:29] Speaker 3: you know, I.
[32:31] Speaker 4: Know, and I don't always wear my ring, especially when
[32:34] Speaker 4: I'm traveling, so you know, but I am not a
[32:38] Speaker 4: shy person and I will walk up to anybody.
[32:40] Speaker 3: There's no strangers to me.
[32:42] Speaker 2: What's your zodiac sign October October. Okay, okay, y'all a
[32:48] Speaker 2: little different, but I love.
[32:51] Speaker 3: Okay.
[32:52] Speaker 2: So, speaking of marriage and rings and all that good stuff,
[32:54] Speaker 2: your second business is couples coaching, and you one thing
[33:00] Speaker 2: that stood out to me when you were talking to
[33:01] Speaker 2: me was one of the main things. She's out here
[33:03] Speaker 2: helping the couples, with the married couples, KIKI, sexless marriages.
[33:08] Speaker 4: It's my number one. It's the number one go too.
[33:12] Speaker 4: That's why most couples come and see me. Sexual incompatibility,
[33:16] Speaker 4: sexless marriage number one.
[33:18] Speaker 1: The incompatibility. What's usually going on there?
[33:23] Speaker 3: Communication?
[33:24] Speaker 2: Somebody just scared to speak?
[33:26] Speaker 1: Use y'all better sign up on masterclass class dot com,
[33:29] Speaker 1: slash Cocktails and tech out shamboosroom sessions, Yes.
[33:33] Speaker 3: Yes, and yes.
[33:35] Speaker 4: So communication one is like, oh, I'm afraid to say
[33:39] Speaker 4: what I like because they might.
[33:41] Speaker 3: Judge me, or they might think that I'm a freak,
[33:43] Speaker 3: or they might look at me.
[33:44] Speaker 2: And you're married to this whole person that you don't
[33:48] Speaker 2: even know, right, We say this all the time. Y'all
[33:54] Speaker 2: be with these people and you don't know, then what
[33:58] Speaker 2: have you been doing?
[33:59] Speaker 5: Yes?
[34:00] Speaker 2: What have you talked about?
[34:03] Speaker 1: And then I'm wondering with sex. I know I'd be
[34:07] Speaker 1: doing things ass backwards, right, but it is just so
[34:09] Speaker 1: beyond me to think that I've been married to somebody
[34:12] Speaker 1: for any amount of time and we ain't talked about
[34:14] Speaker 1: all the nasty things that I might think I want
[34:16] Speaker 1: to try, like I would have done that probably but
[34:18] Speaker 1: third day, you know.
[34:20] Speaker 2: But then also I think Kiki and myself even we
[34:23] Speaker 2: are unique. We talk about even before we had cocktails,
[34:28] Speaker 2: we was talking about sex. Even before you was having sex,
[34:31] Speaker 2: I was talking to you about sex stuff and you
[34:34] Speaker 2: were open to it, like We've always had like this.
[34:36] Speaker 1: A lot of interesting open ear.
[34:38] Speaker 2: And now we really talk about it. And now we're
[34:40] Speaker 2: even more comfortable in talking about it. Even when I'm
[34:42] Speaker 2: uncomfortable talking about it with a partner, like I still
[34:45] Speaker 2: find a way to work in it, even if I'm playing.
[34:47] Speaker 1: A game and I know I'm going to say, this
[34:50] Speaker 1: is something that I'm interested in, and either you can
[34:52] Speaker 1: get with it or you cannot. See Kiki, it is
[34:55] Speaker 1: not that easy for people to have those conversations. I
[34:57] Speaker 1: can tell and not specialized in the tough talks. Let
[35:00] Speaker 1: me help you mediate these conversations, because what they're.
[35:05] Speaker 3: Afraid to say, I am not.
[35:07] Speaker 4: I will say it in a way that he or
[35:09] Speaker 4: she is going to receive it and receive it well.
[35:12] Speaker 4: And I guess I'll have that conversation with them in
[35:16] Speaker 4: a way that, you know, listen, we're going to create
[35:19] Speaker 4: a safe space, non judgmental. Let's just talk about it.
[35:23] Speaker 4: And sometimes I'll form the question is if I were
[35:27] Speaker 4: asking right, not her, not him, Let me just ask
[35:31] Speaker 4: you a question, how do you feel about you know?
[35:35] Speaker 4: And I'll have both of them as answer the question,
[35:37] Speaker 4: and they're looking at each other like love those aha
[35:40] Speaker 4: moments because they would have no they had no idea
[35:43] Speaker 4: that the other person felt the same way. But here's
[35:47] Speaker 4: the thing.
[35:47] Speaker 3: So a story.
[35:50] Speaker 4: Had a gentleman approached me about I don't know, maybe
[35:56] Speaker 4: fifteen years or so ago, very nice looking man, strapping
[36:01] Speaker 4: everything great, and he was like, you know, I really
[36:05] Speaker 4: I really want to get to know you. And I'm
[36:09] Speaker 4: just sitting there listen, and I'm smitten, right, I'm smitten
[36:12] Speaker 4: by it because he's attractive, successful, like all the things.
[36:16] Speaker 4: I was like, what would your wife think? Oh no, no, no,
[36:19] Speaker 4: I said, why don't you get permission from your wife
[36:21] Speaker 4: and then come talk to me?
[36:22] Speaker 2: And I was just testing him to see what he
[36:24] Speaker 2: was gonna say. Yeah, no, no, my wife would never.
[36:28] Speaker 4: You don't know what your wife would think. You don't
[36:30] Speaker 4: know what your wife would say, because have you ever
[36:31] Speaker 4: had that conversation?
[36:33] Speaker 3: Absolutely not.
[36:33] Speaker 1: I know her, I know her well, But did you
[36:37] Speaker 1: have the conversation?
[36:38] Speaker 2: You know?
[36:39] Speaker 4: And they're not willing to And I was just testing
[36:41] Speaker 4: him to see what he would say. But just to
[36:43] Speaker 4: prove my theory, No, you're not comfortable having the conversation
[36:46] Speaker 4: with her. Let's just say that now that you know
[36:49] Speaker 4: her well, you think you.
[36:50] Speaker 2: Know her well, and you actually don't know he don't.
[36:54] Speaker 2: And even though she would say absolutely not. And I
[36:56] Speaker 2: can't even believe I'm saying this. As someone who does
[36:59] Speaker 2: aspire for me marriage, I would wholeheartedly appreciate you bringing
[37:04] Speaker 2: it to me that you out here just slinging dick
[37:08] Speaker 2: and I don't even get now it's bans And now
[37:12] Speaker 2: find out that you met the at the American Express lounge.
[37:15] Speaker 2: How you know?
[37:16] Speaker 1: I want to like, just bring it. That's what we
[37:19] Speaker 1: said we would do.
[37:19] Speaker 2: We said we would be honest with each other.
[37:22] Speaker 3: You say that they know, they don't.
[37:24] Speaker 1: It's just one of those things that people say, I'm
[37:26] Speaker 1: telling you.
[37:27] Speaker 4: Now, I wouldn't have a practice if that were the case. No,
[37:31] Speaker 4: they're not honest with each other. They're not honest with
[37:34] Speaker 4: their true feelings because they're afraid of judgments.
[37:39] Speaker 2: Have you found in your work who which which sex
[37:42] Speaker 2: is not honest the most? It would be the women
[37:45] Speaker 2: or the men? Is it normally? Like the man has
[37:47] Speaker 2: this desire and he's not speaking man for sure?
[37:50] Speaker 3: For sure, I get more men.
[37:51] Speaker 4: So it's interesting because I get more men that come
[37:54] Speaker 4: to me for coaching for sex and intimacy coaching. They
[38:00] Speaker 4: convince the wife to come. Yeah, so I get more
[38:03] Speaker 4: men to approach me.
[38:04] Speaker 2: Like, you know what happened?
[38:05] Speaker 3: It's been five.
[38:06] Speaker 1: Years since they have sex together in a whole.
[38:09] Speaker 2: I'm actually not shocked by that. I know someone right now.
[38:11] Speaker 4: Where it's correct, it's been five years. It hasn't been
[38:14] Speaker 4: five No, no, no, there's twelve years.
[38:18] Speaker 2: How do you.
[38:20] Speaker 3: Just they're just cohabitating at this point?
[38:22] Speaker 2: Right? What have you found that makes either one? I'm
[38:26] Speaker 2: assuming it's normally the woman who doesn't want to have
[38:28] Speaker 2: sex anymore? What is the reason? Is it because he
[38:32] Speaker 2: don't deserve no blissing?
[38:33] Speaker 5: No?
[38:34] Speaker 1: Is it a medical malfunction?
[38:35] Speaker 4: Does she get me all of those things. So every
[38:39] Speaker 4: single one of those things are a factor. And so
[38:43] Speaker 4: one is they're no longer attracted to each other, or
[38:47] Speaker 4: one or both are going through something medically, whether it's
[38:51] Speaker 4: a rectile dysfunction, lo libido or whatever, and you know,
[38:55] Speaker 4: they just and they just can't perform, and or I
[38:59] Speaker 4: just don't like you anymore. You know, yeah, I'm not
[39:04] Speaker 4: feeling you anymore. I'm not attracted to you anymore. You know,
[39:08] Speaker 4: one or both have gained weight. And then ultimately we're
[39:12] Speaker 4: just lazy. Let's just say that we're lazy. We've gotten
[39:16] Speaker 4: monotonous in this marriage we got we're raising these kids,
[39:20] Speaker 4: we're doing this, we're doing that. You know, we're just
[39:22] Speaker 4: going we're just doing life and not doing each other.
[39:26] Speaker 2: And but and speak to the women on this, because
[39:28] Speaker 2: again I'm not married, I don't got nobody's kids, and
[39:30] Speaker 2: I still get tired.
[39:31] Speaker 6: However, I we.
[39:33] Speaker 2: Looking at women and how women truly are the backbone
[39:36] Speaker 2: of a household and of a family. If the bitch
[39:39] Speaker 2: gets hired, I'm like, I get it. How can you breastfeed,
[39:44] Speaker 2: take care of the kids, take care of him, cook
[39:47] Speaker 2: the food, deal with his mama, take him to school,
[39:50] Speaker 2: and now I gotta fuck you can't go to work? Yes,
[39:52] Speaker 2: and go to work.
[39:54] Speaker 3: And you know what, here's the.
[39:55] Speaker 4: Thing all these men need to do is take some
[39:58] Speaker 4: ship off their plate. Right in the pennies are just
[40:01] Speaker 4: fed down right, okay, t make my way off like
[40:06] Speaker 4: low some clothes for me seditious? You know, have somebody
[40:11] Speaker 4: come and clean the house so I don't have to
[40:13] Speaker 4: worry about it when I get home and I have
[40:15] Speaker 4: more time for you. Is that what you end up
[40:18] Speaker 4: telling them, like, okay, this is just an oh, I
[40:21] Speaker 4: create a whole schedule and spreadsheet. So this is what
[40:23] Speaker 4: we're going to invest in now. So not only are
[40:25] Speaker 4: you going to invest in me in my business, you're
[40:27] Speaker 4: going to invest in a housekeeper. You're gonna invest in
[40:30] Speaker 4: a nanny. Some he get a babysitter. You're going to
[40:33] Speaker 4: take some stuff off of her plate if that's in
[40:36] Speaker 4: the indeed the case, if that's her, you know her
[40:39] Speaker 4: thing is like.
[40:39] Speaker 2: You know what, I'm tired, tired, So now you can't
[40:42] Speaker 2: be tired and you you are going to sleep.
[40:46] Speaker 4: She's going to sleep, and so you can't come home excited.
[40:51] Speaker 4: Paint is hard as I don't know what and expect
[40:53] Speaker 4: to get it.
[40:54] Speaker 2: No, we're not.
[40:55] Speaker 3: We're not doing that right because she don't want it.
[40:57] Speaker 3: She's asleep.
[40:58] Speaker 4: She's gonna take every opportunity that she can to get
[41:01] Speaker 4: a few z's in. So what you can do is
[41:05] Speaker 4: start stimulating her mentally all day long. I miss you,
[41:09] Speaker 4: I want to see you. I can't wait to get home.
[41:12] Speaker 4: Send uber eats to the house, please, I love a food.
[41:16] Speaker 2: Do it. That is something my like, you know what
[41:20] Speaker 2: makes me really happy. It's it's if you invest in
[41:24] Speaker 2: my beauty treatments. If you're just like, go go get
[41:26] Speaker 2: your hair done, not even that I need go get
[41:28] Speaker 2: a little botox, that is where I'm going. I'm for
[41:35] Speaker 2: you all day. You won't be tired.
[41:38] Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like if you give a woman, if you
[41:41] Speaker 1: take some things off of her plate, yes, and also
[41:44] Speaker 1: show her that you thought of it, it wasn't something
[41:46] Speaker 1: that she had to beg and plead for. Like that
[41:49] Speaker 1: will help because outside of feeling tired and like needing help,
[41:54] Speaker 1: you also want to feel appreciated. And it's like you're
[41:58] Speaker 1: doing all of this stuff. I'm going to sleep. I'm
[42:00] Speaker 1: not sucking your dick because I gotta think about what
[42:03] Speaker 1: I'm cooking for breakfast, permission, slips, field trips, work, spreadsheets,
[42:09] Speaker 1: working out. Probably not, you're doing all of that, trying
[42:12] Speaker 1: to remember how to do fucking algebra.
[42:14] Speaker 4: And it's ten o'clock and these kids was like, you
[42:16] Speaker 4: gotta sign my paper, you gotta check my homework.
[42:19] Speaker 2: Mommy, mommy, mommy, I got cookies to bring tomorrow.
[42:23] Speaker 1: We're having a bake. Sell you signed up?
[42:25] Speaker 3: Like, excuse me, I'm going to sleep.
[42:28] Speaker 2: That's a lot.
[42:29] Speaker 3: It's a lot. And these men don't understand.
[42:32] Speaker 4: How much it entails to be that career working woman.
[42:38] Speaker 4: There's no work love balance.
[42:41] Speaker 3: There is a right love love balance. So again, take
[42:46] Speaker 3: some shit off her plate.
[42:48] Speaker 2: Take it.
[42:48] Speaker 4: I mean, I'm telling you, if they just listen to me,
[42:53] Speaker 4: take it off her plate, and you'll see a difference. Right,
[42:57] Speaker 4: Not just one time, but make it consistent. Make it
[42:59] Speaker 4: a part of your routine, because one time you're gonna
[43:02] Speaker 4: you're gonna get tail one time.
[43:04] Speaker 1: And if you get it, she gotta like get back
[43:06] Speaker 1: into some energy and don't do it and be.
[43:10] Speaker 2: Mad doing it.
[43:11] Speaker 3: Right, Oh.
[43:14] Speaker 2: That don't worry bingles money, go get your head, Brady,
[43:19] Speaker 2: your money.
[43:20] Speaker 4: I don't want to do it anymore, right, it's like
[43:25] Speaker 4: like hurry up, like I'm gonna just lay here.
[43:28] Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't want that.
[43:29] Speaker 4: So that's not the that's not the sex that you want,
[43:31] Speaker 4: and that's not the love making in the passion that
[43:33] Speaker 4: you want. And if you want her to feel appreciated
[43:36] Speaker 4: and loved in value, you know, just try a few
[43:40] Speaker 4: of these things and make it consistently. Even if it's
[43:42] Speaker 4: let's start off with once a week, right, set up
[43:45] Speaker 4: for once a week, and then you know, maybe a
[43:47] Speaker 4: couple of times a week, just something. It doesn't have
[43:49] Speaker 4: to be, oh, you know, housekeeper every other day. No,
[43:52] Speaker 4: at least every couple of weeks. Let's start with the housekeeper.
[43:55] Speaker 4: How about and then how about this. How about you
[43:58] Speaker 4: come in the house and you start folding, some mating,
[44:00] Speaker 4: some socks you know you have, you.
[44:03] Speaker 2: Know, you clean the toilet bowl, a community soft basket.
[44:07] Speaker 2: That everybody said that the relationships both both parties should
[44:14] Speaker 2: experience what we need to have a criss cross day
[44:17] Speaker 2: like let me see what you do and you see
[44:18] Speaker 2: what I do. Unless so we don't have a better
[44:20] Speaker 2: appreciation for each.
[44:21] Speaker 3: Other, make it. They'll never make it. They won't. They won't,
[44:24] Speaker 3: they won't.
[44:25] Speaker 1: This won't get done. All kind of stuff gonna be
[44:26] Speaker 1: thrown away.
[44:27] Speaker 4: They have a better appreciation for what for what women
[44:30] Speaker 4: go through and what they do. But yes, so if
[44:33] Speaker 4: he comes in and again take some things off of
[44:36] Speaker 4: her plate to allow more time for relaxation. You know what,
[44:40] Speaker 4: while I'm getting the kids to bear, you go take
[44:42] Speaker 4: a hot bath.
[44:43] Speaker 2: And I'm also thinking, and if you don't already have
[44:46] Speaker 2: this in your business plan, because I'm sitting here thinking
[44:49] Speaker 2: as someone who has never been married before, and how
[44:52] Speaker 2: you know, people tell you do pre marital counseling and
[44:55] Speaker 2: the therapies of before marriage, it seems like it might
[44:57] Speaker 2: also make sense to do some pre marital math. So
[45:01] Speaker 2: while you don't need to already be matched because you
[45:03] Speaker 2: found your match, I want to know what you're teaching
[45:05] Speaker 2: the people so that we can avoid this, you know
[45:08] Speaker 2: what I mean? Like, how do we stay rejuvenated to
[45:13] Speaker 2: still I understand life is still on life, and we're
[45:15] Speaker 2: going to get tired and the stuff is going to
[45:17] Speaker 2: get boring at some point, But how do we get
[45:18] Speaker 2: to the point where we already have this understanding of okay,
[45:22] Speaker 2: us me deciding I'm not giving you sex, or you
[45:25] Speaker 2: deciding whatever it is that you're not going to do that.
[45:26] Speaker 2: You've been doing that, You're not going to do that, Like,
[45:28] Speaker 2: how do we Is there a way to stay clear
[45:31] Speaker 2: of that?
[45:31] Speaker 5: Yeah?
[45:32] Speaker 4: So I would say that, you know, and this may
[45:34] Speaker 4: sound again cliche, but it's just communication. If they don't talk,
[45:39] Speaker 4: have the tough talks, you know, you won't, you won't,
[45:42] Speaker 4: You'll never know, You'll never know. So I would really
[45:44] Speaker 4: recommend that communication is key, even games like this, even
[45:50] Speaker 4: the you know, we call it the fishball game, you know, right,
[45:53] Speaker 4: you write ten questions, You write ten questions, we throw
[45:56] Speaker 4: them all in the fishbowl, you know, in the bowl,
[45:58] Speaker 4: and you pull a question out and let when we
[46:01] Speaker 4: both answer that question, you're constantly understanding each other. My
[46:06] Speaker 4: husband and I played that game during quarantine because we
[46:09] Speaker 4: had to because there was nothing else to do, right,
[46:11] Speaker 4: and I was still learning and this was what probably
[46:15] Speaker 4: we were a year nineteen year twenty. I was still
[46:17] Speaker 4: learning things about him at twenty years, you know, So
[46:21] Speaker 4: you constantly learn your partner, You constantly get to know
[46:26] Speaker 4: who your partner is, you know, and so you know
[46:29] Speaker 4: there's no way but to just continue to talk and
[46:32] Speaker 4: set time aside to talk.
[46:35] Speaker 3: And I think that that's the you know, that's the problem.
[46:37] Speaker 4: I think that when sometimes when you know, we have children,
[46:39] Speaker 4: as women have children, everything is about the kids.
[46:43] Speaker 2: Everything, everything is about the kids.
[46:45] Speaker 4: And then the kids grow up and leave, they go
[46:49] Speaker 4: to college, and then you're saying that somebody that you
[46:51] Speaker 4: don't even know, you don't have anything to talk about,
[46:54] Speaker 4: you don't have any commonalities. You have to recreate that
[46:57] Speaker 4: and resurrect what brought you together in the first place.
[47:03] Speaker 2: Now, you also help repair marriages after an affair.
[47:10] Speaker 1: Yes, yes, who is that sounds like tough work.
[47:13] Speaker 3: It is recovery.
[47:15] Speaker 4: So I have a whole affair recovery program for that
[47:18] Speaker 4: very reason, because just for example, what we just discussed.
[47:22] Speaker 4: You know, there's monotony, somebody's board, somebody's unattractive to whatever
[47:27] Speaker 4: that is, and then there's infidelity, right, and so you
[47:32] Speaker 4: decide that you want to exhaust all options before a divorce.
[47:38] Speaker 3: So how do we do that.
[47:39] Speaker 4: Let's talk about let's talk about how bad you want
[47:41] Speaker 4: the marriage, Let's talk about the pros and cons of
[47:43] Speaker 4: saying married, keeping the family together, whatever it is. Some people,
[47:48] Speaker 4: I mean, have affairs and they don't even have any kids,
[47:51] Speaker 4: you know, so they do and so it's like, what
[47:54] Speaker 4: was it about?
[47:55] Speaker 3: What you know, what was the contribution to it?
[47:58] Speaker 4: So let's talk about that and having them be able
[48:01] Speaker 4: to sit and explain it with no judgment. That's the
[48:04] Speaker 4: tough part because usually there's it gets real heated, right.
[48:08] Speaker 4: So sometimes I'm the one communicating and I just ask
[48:11] Speaker 4: you one, the one that's communicating, you just be quiet
[48:16] Speaker 4: and you just listen, and you can't talk until you
[48:18] Speaker 4: raise your paddle.
[48:20] Speaker 2: It's paddles a paddle.
[48:22] Speaker 1: I might smack somebody with it. But what is a
[48:26] Speaker 1: reason or a way that people who are going through
[48:30] Speaker 1: this affair recovery program, what's the reason that or a
[48:34] Speaker 1: way that helps him stay together and to be able
[48:37] Speaker 1: to move past the affair. I still love each other
[48:42] Speaker 1: and not kill each other.
[48:43] Speaker 3: Yeah, So I think it's at the end of the day,
[48:46] Speaker 3: is this was this a fair worth?
[48:49] Speaker 2: It was the risk? You know?
[48:52] Speaker 4: And so I ask you know, because it's not always
[48:56] Speaker 4: the men that have affairs. Sometimes it's the women.
[48:58] Speaker 2: And they're in the same see that room, you're in
[49:01] Speaker 2: the same room.
[49:03] Speaker 4: So was this affair worth the risk? And most of
[49:06] Speaker 4: the time they say no, it wasn't. So and I've
[49:10] Speaker 4: always said that when there's an affair, right, when somebody
[49:15] Speaker 4: is cheating. When men get caught is because they're sloppy.
[49:19] Speaker 4: When women get caught is because she no longer cares.
[49:26] Speaker 2: She only care. Yeah, so she's there. The women are
[49:30] Speaker 2: typical I'm leaving, yeah, because.
[49:31] Speaker 4: She's emotionally disconnected from you because of whatever you've done. Right,
[49:34] Speaker 4: She's emotionally disconnected. She's checked out, she's checked out. So
[49:38] Speaker 4: typically I see more recovery when it's the man who's
[49:48] Speaker 4: had the affair than the woman, because when she decides
[49:50] Speaker 4: that she's done and she's found somebody and she's satisfied,
[49:53] Speaker 4: and he's making her feel these feelings that were resurrected
[49:57] Speaker 4: that she hadn't felt in many years, it's usually.
[50:01] Speaker 1: What about when she has the affair and she admits
[50:04] Speaker 1: it wasn't worth it and the man is having a
[50:07] Speaker 1: hard time forgiving her. Do you have ever situations where
[50:10] Speaker 1: they are able to move past that or is it
[50:12] Speaker 1: usually like that?
[50:13] Speaker 4: You don't know they're able to move past it because
[50:14] Speaker 4: at the end of the day, so men don't want
[50:17] Speaker 4: to be embarrassed, So that's.
[50:20] Speaker 3: The whole thing. So they don't want to be embarrassed.
[50:22] Speaker 4: There like who knows about this, so we can keep
[50:24] Speaker 4: it hush hush and keep it quiet in our house
[50:27] Speaker 4: and we can work on this privately, then they have
[50:30] Speaker 4: a probably a better success rate of rebuilding and recovery. Right,
[50:36] Speaker 4: but if if everybody knows, he got his boys talking
[50:40] Speaker 4: about him, he got his colleagues talking about him, he
[50:42] Speaker 4: got you know, he's like, I'm over and he could
[50:45] Speaker 4: want their marriage and want their relationship, but because other
[50:48] Speaker 4: people know about it, his manhood won't let him recover.
[50:51] Speaker 2: Saigo, I feel like helping people repair after affair. I would.
[51:00] Speaker 2: I am someone where I think about vowels so much,
[51:03] Speaker 2: and again I am not married, but I don't be understanding,
[51:08] Speaker 2: like why don't like have you ever had someone like
[51:11] Speaker 2: repeat their vows while they're sitting in front of you
[51:14] Speaker 2: to each other? Because I honestly don't understand why people
[51:18] Speaker 2: be like for better or for worse? And then the
[51:20] Speaker 2: worst comes and all of it and the worst can
[51:22] Speaker 2: look different in everybody's relationship. It can be cheating, It
[51:25] Speaker 2: could be the death of a child. It could be
[51:29] Speaker 2: somebody gets fat, they're not cute anymore like, it could
[51:31] Speaker 2: just be a lot like and it's like the worst
[51:34] Speaker 2: comes and everybody be like bye, yeah, nope, why why
[51:40] Speaker 2: even exist?
[51:41] Speaker 4: It can quit easily. I mean people are quitters. They
[51:44] Speaker 4: don't like what stuff easily.
[51:45] Speaker 2: They don't.
[51:46] Speaker 3: They're not really in it for the long haul, not
[51:47] Speaker 3: like they used to be.
[51:48] Speaker 4: Not like back in the day when your grandparents, you know,
[51:50] Speaker 4: aunts and uncles from back in the day, they would
[51:52] Speaker 4: just stay married just because. But that doesn't mean it
[51:54] Speaker 4: was right or mean it was healthy. It just means
[51:57] Speaker 4: that they were taught in to believe that you just
[52:01] Speaker 4: stay no matter it was a healthy relationship.
[52:04] Speaker 2: But they just stayed right.
[52:06] Speaker 4: So now we don't have to stay if it's not working,
[52:10] Speaker 4: we don't have to stay. So I respect that you
[52:13] Speaker 4: value vowels, you know.
[52:15] Speaker 2: I respect that.
[52:16] Speaker 4: I love that about you and keep that right. But
[52:18] Speaker 4: a lot of people don't do that anymore, so they
[52:22] Speaker 4: forget about those vowels. Especially we're twenty years into it,
[52:25] Speaker 4: you know what I mean.
[52:26] Speaker 3: So sometimes.
[52:28] Speaker 4: It will come into play when something catastrophic happens and
[52:32] Speaker 4: you have to be there to support your partner or
[52:34] Speaker 4: your spouse, when something happens, something life changing happens, a
[52:39] Speaker 4: death and illness, those types of things.
[52:41] Speaker 1: An illegitimate child.
[52:43] Speaker 4: Correct all the things because that happens, right, and so
[52:46] Speaker 4: you just have to make a decision.
[52:48] Speaker 3: Am I in this for the long haul? Or am
[52:52] Speaker 3: I out? Am I out?
[52:54] Speaker 2: And I think that's the part that personally scares me
[52:56] Speaker 2: about marriage because it makes me really rethink some things
[52:59] Speaker 2: and be like, Okay, I don't really want to do
[53:02] Speaker 2: it if I'm not going to be in it for
[53:03] Speaker 2: the long haul, and like me trying to like discover
[53:06] Speaker 2: what is that spectrum for me?
[53:08] Speaker 1: Could I do?
[53:09] Speaker 2: I really do want to believe in for better or
[53:11] Speaker 2: for worse? And yeah, and just like understanding, like you
[53:16] Speaker 2: won't know what the worst is for real, you don't.
[53:19] Speaker 2: So now it makes through it. You and I spoke
[53:21] Speaker 2: on the phone and we talked about you and your husband.
[53:23] Speaker 2: You guys live separately. You guys have been through some things. Yes,
[53:26] Speaker 2: split up for a moment, but you fought for your marriage,
[53:30] Speaker 2: and it made me want to ask you what does
[53:32] Speaker 2: fighting for a marriage look like? And how do people
[53:35] Speaker 2: do it? How did you do it? Oh?
[53:37] Speaker 3: How did I do it?
[53:38] Speaker 2: I can?
[53:38] Speaker 4: Oh?
[53:38] Speaker 3: I love to share this story.
[53:40] Speaker 4: So two and a half years we decided to separate,
[53:44] Speaker 4: and so most people was like, was it infidelity? Well,
[53:47] Speaker 4: there was infidelity on both parts, right, but that wasn't
[53:50] Speaker 4: why we separated. So while we separated, it was because finances.
[53:54] Speaker 4: I was bad with money. I mean I built a
[53:56] Speaker 4: whole house, a forty two hundred square foot house. So
[53:59] Speaker 4: he didn't even know it.
[54:00] Speaker 2: He said that, He said we couldn't move we had
[54:04] Speaker 2: all these kids. I was like, no, we need a
[54:06] Speaker 2: bigger house.
[54:07] Speaker 4: He was like, Tanna, the kids are going to college soon.
[54:10] Speaker 4: You know, we're this house say. I was like no,
[54:13] Speaker 4: because I make over six again, I was. I emasculated him,
[54:18] Speaker 4: you know, I said, no, I don't.
[54:20] Speaker 3: I don't.
[54:20] Speaker 4: I said to myself, I don't need your money, I
[54:22] Speaker 4: don't need your credit.
[54:24] Speaker 3: I'm gonna go and do this. So me and my
[54:26] Speaker 3: oldest son, you know, we went to a builder.
[54:30] Speaker 5: And.
[54:34] Speaker 1: Because you got me fucked up, I worked too damn hard.
[54:38] Speaker 3: This house is tiny.
[54:40] Speaker 2: I was like, you said, I can't what So yeah,
[54:43] Speaker 2: so I went and built the whole house. And you
[54:46] Speaker 2: realize now that was a problem. It was the whole
[54:48] Speaker 2: problem because we end up having to short cell of
[54:49] Speaker 2: the houses. I couldn't afford it because he wouldn't help
[54:51] Speaker 2: me pay for it.
[54:52] Speaker 1: He said, I'm gonna show you.
[54:56] Speaker 5: You know.
[54:57] Speaker 4: So, yeah, built the whole house and it was you
[54:59] Speaker 4: know what, I'm made sure the kids stay in the
[55:01] Speaker 4: school district considerations there, the kids said the school district.
[55:07] Speaker 4: I made sure that everybody had their own room, and
[55:08] Speaker 4: he had his space and I had my space, and
[55:11] Speaker 4: and it was gorgeous. But I had to I had
[55:15] Speaker 4: to tell him two weeks before we closed because of
[55:18] Speaker 4: North Carolina at the time, I needed his.
[55:21] Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I needed his.
[55:23] Speaker 4: Signature to buy it, but I needed his signature to
[55:25] Speaker 4: close on it, so, you know, And I told him.
[55:28] Speaker 4: He was like, what I mean, I'm over here picking
[55:30] Speaker 4: out granted and you.
[55:32] Speaker 2: Are moving forward.
[55:35] Speaker 1: Yes.
[55:36] Speaker 3: I was so wrong on every level, every level. I
[55:39] Speaker 3: realized that now, right, yeah, every level.
[55:44] Speaker 4: So we he and said he was like, well, he
[55:47] Speaker 4: didn't want to he didn't want to move. And he
[55:48] Speaker 4: was like, waitness is too big of a house. It's
[55:50] Speaker 4: too much money. The economy is not right. I was like, well, listen,
[55:54] Speaker 4: I'm going right, so you can come or you can
[55:58] Speaker 4: stay here, but I'm moving into this house.
[56:01] Speaker 3: It was my name house and so and he came with.
[56:05] Speaker 4: But you know, so we were in there a few years,
[56:07] Speaker 4: four or five years, and then the economy crash and
[56:13] Speaker 4: I got laid off of my cushy corporate job. I
[56:15] Speaker 4: couldn't afford it on my own, and I'm looking at
[56:18] Speaker 4: him for some money and he wouldn't.
[56:19] Speaker 1: Give it him. I was, like I told you years ago, right,
[56:26] Speaker 1: he was teaching me.
[56:26] Speaker 4: A lesson, and I was so upset with him for
[56:30] Speaker 4: that because I was, like, you left me hanged, and
[56:34] Speaker 4: but in reality, you know, in reality, I shouldn't have
[56:39] Speaker 4: done it in the first place. And so I learned
[56:41] Speaker 4: a valuable lesson. So we ended up separating, short, sold
[56:45] Speaker 4: the house, lived and moved to two different areas, right.
[56:50] Speaker 4: And then So during that so the question you asked
[56:54] Speaker 4: me was what the me fighting for my marriage looked like?
[56:57] Speaker 4: So during that two years I moved out out, I
[57:00] Speaker 4: did some self reflection where I got some spiritual guidance
[57:03] Speaker 4: and some spiritual healing and start and stopped pointing the
[57:08] Speaker 4: finger at him and looked in the mirror. What was
[57:12] Speaker 4: my failed contribution? Same come, and I talked to you
[57:15] Speaker 4: guys about earlier. What was my failed, you know, contribution
[57:19] Speaker 4: to this? You know, was my contribution to.
[57:22] Speaker 3: The failed marriage? What was it that I did? What
[57:25] Speaker 3: was my part?
[57:25] Speaker 4: Because what I realized, I can change this man. He's
[57:28] Speaker 4: a hole grown man, but I can change me, okay.
[57:32] Speaker 4: And so once I did this self discovery, this self
[57:35] Speaker 4: healing therapy, spiritual guidance, like all of that, I went
[57:39] Speaker 4: back to him. And we were dating other people at
[57:42] Speaker 4: the time. I mean, I had somebody that I was
[57:44] Speaker 4: in a relationship with. He had somebody he was in
[57:46] Speaker 4: a relationship with. And I went back to him thinking that,
[57:49] Speaker 4: you know, he.
[57:51] Speaker 1: Would just.
[57:53] Speaker 4: Come back because I was, yeah, I'm like, oh, I'm
[57:55] Speaker 4: doing I'm tired of playing.
[57:56] Speaker 1: I figured out.
[58:03] Speaker 3: So I said, I said, you know, I'm ready to
[58:07] Speaker 3: start try this again. And he was like, I'm good.
[58:10] Speaker 1: I was, I would really excuse it.
[58:15] Speaker 4: He's like, I'm good. I was like, you're good, You're ready.
[58:18] Speaker 4: Now it's me, No, I'm good. I could not believe it.
[58:23] Speaker 4: I couldn't believe that he didn't want me back, and
[58:26] Speaker 4: he didn't, and so I had to swallow that.
[58:30] Speaker 2: But y'all were still legally married.
[58:32] Speaker 4: We were still legally married. We were dating other people.
[58:34] Speaker 4: We were separated, living separately for two and a half years.
[58:38] Speaker 4: It's living in separate states for two and a half years.
[58:41] Speaker 2: And then.
[58:44] Speaker 4: But I fought for it, and I was like, well,
[58:45] Speaker 4: let's just play it by ear. I didn't give up,
[58:48] Speaker 4: so I was like, let me just go back and
[58:49] Speaker 4: let me let's try to date again. So I would
[58:51] Speaker 4: plan things. I would, you know, come home for whatever.
[58:55] Speaker 4: And he was dating somebody that was younger, she was cute.
[58:58] Speaker 2: Were you mad?
[59:00] Speaker 3: I was disappointed and hurt.
[59:04] Speaker 4: So I was angry at all because we were still
[59:06] Speaker 4: friends during this time and we've never believed it or not.
[59:12] Speaker 4: We've never like argued like I don't. We've never like
[59:14] Speaker 4: raised our voice at each other. We've never cursed each
[59:16] Speaker 4: other out. We never even though we decided that we
[59:19] Speaker 4: weren't rowing the same way during that time, it was amicable, right,
[59:25] Speaker 4: But we didn't have that type of He's not that
[59:27] Speaker 4: type of dude.
[59:27] Speaker 2: I don't wonder if if it has something to do
[59:31] Speaker 2: with like you both also could financially take care of yourselves,
[59:35] Speaker 2: like so that took like a level of stress off.
[59:37] Speaker 2: It's not like you were like I feel like people
[59:39] Speaker 2: get to screaming and acting crazy when it's like you
[59:41] Speaker 2: need the person to like help. You went and lived
[59:43] Speaker 2: your life and you didn't need him to help you
[59:45] Speaker 2: live your life and he did the same thing. So
[59:47] Speaker 2: yes and no.
[59:48] Speaker 4: So we struggled a little bit separately. We did because
[59:51] Speaker 4: the economy was horrible at the time, and we did
[59:54] Speaker 4: struggle during that time. And I feel like we would
[59:57] Speaker 4: be better together, right, And so that was one of
[59:59] Speaker 4: the why, you know, I went back and said, we can.
[1:00:02] Speaker 3: Do this together.
[1:00:03] Speaker 4: I mean, we're really good together. I've done some self reflection.
[1:00:06] Speaker 4: Let's try it again.
[1:00:07] Speaker 1: I got my part.
[1:00:09] Speaker 3: I'm sorry, but he didn't.
[1:00:16] Speaker 4: He didn't want to get back initially, so eventually, you know,
[1:00:20] Speaker 4: I left it alone until and I left alone once
[1:00:23] Speaker 4: I realized that he wasn't coming back.
[1:00:25] Speaker 3: I left it alone and he called me one day
[1:00:28] Speaker 3: and he's like, you know, let's try it again. And
[1:00:32] Speaker 3: I was follow well what he called me.
[1:00:35] Speaker 4: I was a sleep on the couch and he said
[1:00:37] Speaker 4: he called me and I had already I filed for
[1:00:40] Speaker 4: a divorce, but I didn't like file file.
[1:00:43] Speaker 3: I got the paperwork. So he called me up and
[1:00:45] Speaker 3: I was laying a sleep on the couch and he
[1:00:47] Speaker 3: was like, hey, how you doing. I was like, I'm good.
[1:00:48] Speaker 4: He said, you know, I'm ready to do this, and
[1:00:51] Speaker 4: I was like, okay, well, I'll go ahead and get
[1:00:54] Speaker 4: the paperwork started and you know, take it to the courthouse.
[1:00:57] Speaker 3: Sometime this week. He was like, no, no, no, I'm
[1:00:59] Speaker 3: ready to try us again.
[1:01:01] Speaker 2: And I sat up and I was like, wait a minute.
[1:01:04] Speaker 3: Yeah, I was like what he was like, Yeah, I'm
[1:01:07] Speaker 3: ready to try it again. I'm ready to try to
[1:01:08] Speaker 3: put our family back together.
[1:01:09] Speaker 2: So really, what I'm hearing you say is fighting for
[1:01:12] Speaker 2: a marriage takes time and patience. It's not actually punching
[1:01:17] Speaker 2: and fighting.
[1:01:18] Speaker 3: I would hope not.
[1:01:21] Speaker 2: Somebody to take it, but it really is like you
[1:01:23] Speaker 2: really just like waited it out.
[1:01:24] Speaker 4: I waited it out, and you know what, but at
[1:01:26] Speaker 4: that time, I mean probably if he would have waited
[1:01:29] Speaker 4: another couple of months, I've been like, all.
[1:01:31] Speaker 1: Right, I don't want to try.
[1:01:35] Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, waiting, you know, because I was okay.
[1:01:39] Speaker 4: I mean I was in a good mental space where
[1:01:42] Speaker 4: I would have been ready to receive somebody else. I
[1:01:45] Speaker 4: was in a good space and I had somebody in
[1:01:48] Speaker 4: my life and I had told this person that I
[1:01:50] Speaker 4: had in my life, I said, I'm going back to
[1:01:51] Speaker 4: my husband.
[1:01:53] Speaker 3: He just always knew you would.
[1:01:56] Speaker 4: Tyler Perry, and he was but you know, he was
[1:01:59] Speaker 4: so and we're still friends to this day, he supported
[1:02:02] Speaker 4: me and going back he was he was hurt because
[1:02:05] Speaker 4: you know, he loved me too, but he said, I
[1:02:08] Speaker 4: knew you would and I support you and will always
[1:02:11] Speaker 4: be friends.
[1:02:11] Speaker 3: And what I respect about you is that you came
[1:02:14] Speaker 3: to me and you told me about it.
[1:02:17] Speaker 2: Yeah, you know people will lie you do and dude, yeah,
[1:02:22] Speaker 2: I think that. Like what you represent to me from
[1:02:25] Speaker 2: what I know and for marriage is like, let be patient,
[1:02:31] Speaker 2: let people be who they are. I noticed that, like
[1:02:34] Speaker 2: a lot of people get into relationships and immediately right
[1:02:39] Speaker 2: after you get through that blissful phase, you're trying to change.
[1:02:43] Speaker 1: That's a refla to me.
[1:02:45] Speaker 2: I don't like it, but sometimes you suddenly do. I've
[1:02:47] Speaker 2: been on both ends of it, where I'm trying to
[1:02:49] Speaker 2: be somebody's trying to change me, and then where I
[1:02:51] Speaker 2: notice I'm trying to like change somebody else. It's not
[1:02:54] Speaker 2: necessarily an intentional like this is what I plan?
[1:02:56] Speaker 4: Do?
[1:02:56] Speaker 2: You just start being like, well, why aren't you around time?
[1:02:58] Speaker 2: The nigga ain't never on time and probably not never
[1:03:00] Speaker 2: gonna be on because some time when you met him,
[1:03:04] Speaker 2: where does this thing come from?
[1:03:05] Speaker 4: Where?
[1:03:06] Speaker 2: It's like, where did you get these expectations.
[1:03:08] Speaker 1: That he's about to mold him into something else and
[1:03:11] Speaker 1: you won't.
[1:03:12] Speaker 4: So once you understand, ladies, once you understand that you
[1:03:16] Speaker 4: can't mold or shape him, whoever he is in.
[1:03:20] Speaker 3: Front of you is who he is when you marry him.
[1:03:23] Speaker 4: So if you're okay with that person, And that was
[1:03:25] Speaker 4: my question to me, I'm you know, yes, I thought
[1:03:28] Speaker 4: that my husband would change some things because I didn't
[1:03:31] Speaker 4: like everything about him at the time, right I didn't.
[1:03:34] Speaker 2: There were some things that I wanted him to change
[1:03:36] Speaker 2: and same for him. He probably.
[1:03:39] Speaker 4: Absolutely and so but I had to make the decision.
[1:03:42] Speaker 4: Am I okay with who this person standing in front
[1:03:44] Speaker 4: of me is right now? And if my answer is yes,
[1:03:47] Speaker 4: I can deal with it. Right If my answer is no,
[1:03:50] Speaker 4: it's time to go. You know, let's part ways and
[1:03:54] Speaker 4: be friends.
[1:03:55] Speaker 3: Let's do that.
[1:03:56] Speaker 2: So before we move on to Indecisive, Diane, if there's
[1:04:00] Speaker 2: anybody right now who's listening to this, and man or
[1:04:02] Speaker 2: woman and they're going through their fighting for their marriage,
[1:04:04] Speaker 2: and they are they got the papers on the way,
[1:04:07] Speaker 2: they're picking up the pen. They about to sign them papers,
[1:04:10] Speaker 2: but in the deep the depths of their heart, they
[1:04:12] Speaker 2: really do not want to. I read a book. I
[1:04:15] Speaker 2: can't remember what book it was. They were talking about
[1:04:17] Speaker 2: how most people who get divorced they really wish the
[1:04:20] Speaker 2: other person would have fought for it, but everybody has
[1:04:22] Speaker 2: so much pride back to be like, please take me back,
[1:04:26] Speaker 2: and the other person was like, I wanted you to
[1:04:27] Speaker 2: come back, but I didn't want to say come to you.
[1:04:29] Speaker 1: A communication.
[1:04:30] Speaker 2: Yeah, the communication. So if there's someone right now listen
[1:04:32] Speaker 2: to the show and they're fighting for a marriage, they're
[1:04:34] Speaker 2: about to give up on, what would you tell them?
[1:04:36] Speaker 3: Call me.
[1:04:44] Speaker 2: I I'm not giving you all no free work. And
[1:04:48] Speaker 2: you know what I'm gonna tell you. If y'all got
[1:04:50] Speaker 2: to sell a house or buy a new one, then
[1:04:51] Speaker 2: you call me after you call Tanna so that I
[1:04:54] Speaker 2: can help you get into a house or sell what
[1:04:56] Speaker 2: you're getting kicked out. Okay, on that note, we are
[1:04:59] Speaker 2: going to move on the indecisive Diana. When we come
[1:05:01] Speaker 2: back our girls, Tannah is going to help us give
[1:05:04] Speaker 2: you guys some advice. And this is probably the greatest
[1:05:05] Speaker 2: person to help give some advice. Would you stop thinking
[1:05:10] Speaker 2: about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want?
[1:05:13] Speaker 2: What do you want? What your parents want? What do
[1:05:15] Speaker 2: you want?
[1:05:16] Speaker 5: What do you want.
[1:05:18] Speaker 2: What do you want?
[1:05:21] Speaker 1: What do you want?
[1:05:27] Speaker 7: Hey, ladies, it's me and this week's date idea. It's
[1:05:31] Speaker 7: a little different but very necessary. Talk to your bay
[1:05:36] Speaker 7: and go get tested for everything, but especially HIV. Ladies,
[1:05:41] Speaker 7: if you knew at the rate in which it's growing
[1:05:44] Speaker 7: in Atlanta and affecting black women, talk to your bay,
[1:05:49] Speaker 7: go get tested together.
[1:05:52] Speaker 6: Bye, really and truly all right.
[1:06:24] Speaker 1: Okay, so we are back from Indecisive Diane, and it
[1:06:28] Speaker 1: is time for the advice. If you have a question
[1:06:30] Speaker 1: that you would like for us to answer on the show,
[1:06:33] Speaker 1: please email us advice at cocktailspod dot com. I'm gonna
[1:06:37] Speaker 1: let you read it because I'm gonna tinkle. I shouldn't
[1:06:39] Speaker 1: drink that celsius. I had an energy drink and then
[1:06:41] Speaker 1: this coffee coffee.
[1:06:44] Speaker 2: Coffee drink was absolutely delicious. Like we should have made
[1:06:48] Speaker 2: round three. Okay, so Tanna. So this one is titled
[1:06:53] Speaker 2: seeking Advice. Hi, ladies. First off, thank you for reading
[1:06:58] Speaker 2: my advice email on episode four thirty. Okay, details, I
[1:07:02] Speaker 2: really appreciated your insight. I was actually planning to break
[1:07:05] Speaker 2: up with my boyfriend and just be friends with him,
[1:07:08] Speaker 2: but things took an unexpected turn. I just got terrible
[1:07:11] Speaker 2: news from my gynecologist at my well woman visit last week.
[1:07:16] Speaker 2: I had an abnormal PAP result. Turns out he gave
[1:07:21] Speaker 2: me HPV and it's a high risk strain. I'm devastated
[1:07:26] Speaker 2: right now. I feel like I need his support in
[1:07:29] Speaker 2: case this progresses into something more serious, God willing it won't.
[1:07:33] Speaker 2: As she put fingers crossed, I also feel stuck. I
[1:07:37] Speaker 2: don't want to date anyone new and risk passing it on.
[1:07:40] Speaker 2: I don't think he's a dirty person or that he
[1:07:42] Speaker 2: was reckless. HPV isn't included in standard SCD test, so
[1:07:46] Speaker 2: he had no idea he even had it. He didn't
[1:07:48] Speaker 2: even know what it was. I'm not sure what to
[1:07:50] Speaker 2: do now, but I'd love to hear if any listeners
[1:07:53] Speaker 2: or your guests have been through this and can share
[1:07:55] Speaker 2: any advice. I'm freaking out but trying to stay optimistic.
[1:07:58] Speaker 2: Oh and for context, I'm thirty six and he's forty six.
[1:08:00] Speaker 2: Thanks again, ladies, you're awesome. He six know what HPV was.
[1:08:04] Speaker 3: Yeah, a lot of people don't know what HPV.
[1:08:06] Speaker 4: No, they don't know really because they just really start
[1:08:09] Speaker 4: talking about it, probably within the last ten years.
[1:08:12] Speaker 3: So no, they don't And so they don't, and so
[1:08:16] Speaker 3: I don't.
[1:08:16] Speaker 4: My my advice would be, if she was going to
[1:08:19] Speaker 4: break up with him, let's go back to the reason
[1:08:20] Speaker 4: why you were going to break up with him in
[1:08:21] Speaker 4: the first place. Don't feel obligated to be with him,
[1:08:25] Speaker 4: because now you've contracted. You know this diagnoses right, it
[1:08:29] Speaker 4: is not it's not a death threat. There is treatable
[1:08:33] Speaker 4: and you would get with your gynecologist, your family practitioner,
[1:08:36] Speaker 4: whoever it is, to give you, give you the medications
[1:08:40] Speaker 4: and whatever and a treatment plan. You don't have to
[1:08:43] Speaker 4: be with him because of this, because he's not guaranteed
[1:08:45] Speaker 4: to be with you. You know what I mean, who's
[1:08:47] Speaker 4: the I mean, she's saying that, here's the thing. She's
[1:08:50] Speaker 4: saying that he gave it.
[1:08:52] Speaker 3: He gave it to her.
[1:08:53] Speaker 4: But I know people that was like, you know what,
[1:08:55] Speaker 4: she gave it to me, And so it may be
[1:08:57] Speaker 4: his argument that you gave it to him, don't know,
[1:09:00] Speaker 4: you know so and so I've not had that experience
[1:09:03] Speaker 4: with HBD, but I have had that experience with genital herpes.
[1:09:07] Speaker 4: So even we even have clients that come to us
[1:09:09] Speaker 4: that have it and they're like, you know what, are
[1:09:12] Speaker 4: you able to kind of have the conversation that I
[1:09:15] Speaker 4: already have this, and I'm like, I'm not, I can't
[1:09:18] Speaker 4: craft a conversation for.
[1:09:19] Speaker 3: You to have with that person that you have it.
[1:09:21] Speaker 2: And then that's what you know, that's like when you're
[1:09:23] Speaker 2: matching and they want you to tell the person.
[1:09:26] Speaker 4: They feel like it's a softer blow if somebody shares
[1:09:29] Speaker 4: that information, and so I won't do it. It's personal information.
[1:09:33] Speaker 4: It's against hippo, violate hip hippop you know, violation.
[1:09:36] Speaker 2: So so it's not you have a whole pool of
[1:09:39] Speaker 2: herpes clients. I just don't don't.
[1:09:45] Speaker 3: The conversation for you.
[1:09:48] Speaker 1: To help them have that conversation because I know people
[1:09:52] Speaker 1: who have it and they don't have the conversation already too.
[1:09:56] Speaker 2: Same. Yeah, and it's very frustrating.
[1:09:58] Speaker 4: Absolutely so. And so I mean, but here's the thing.
[1:10:02] Speaker 4: It's their privilege not to have It's their privilege. Now,
[1:10:04] Speaker 4: is it responsible? No, not right, But it's their privilege
[1:10:10] Speaker 4: not to have it.
[1:10:11] Speaker 5: Now.
[1:10:11] Speaker 4: I do know people that that are unsuppressive medication, So
[1:10:17] Speaker 4: you know the chances of them, you know, not spreading
[1:10:20] Speaker 4: it or whatever is really small. But they have to
[1:10:23] Speaker 4: be responsible enough to take the medication and do all
[1:10:25] Speaker 4: the things. Should they disclose it?
[1:10:28] Speaker 1: Absolutely, Yeah, you need to disclose it and give the
[1:10:31] Speaker 1: people that option. Just like we've talked about in the beginning,
[1:10:34] Speaker 1: you don't know what your husband or wife is into sexually.
[1:10:37] Speaker 1: When it comes to the fun stuff you want to try.
[1:10:39] Speaker 1: You don't know who else has it. You don't until
[1:10:41] Speaker 1: you talk about it. And you also don't know who
[1:10:44] Speaker 1: understands how like herpes, for example, works and they understand
[1:10:48] Speaker 1: the medication. They may not just like be like, oh no,
[1:10:51] Speaker 1: I don't want you. I'm going to treat you like
[1:10:54] Speaker 1: you have leprosy like everybody doesn't do that. But you
[1:10:57] Speaker 1: do need to give people the option.
[1:10:58] Speaker 2: And I don't like when people like, well everybody has it, yeah,
[1:11:01] Speaker 2: but that doesn't mean the people who don't have it
[1:11:04] Speaker 2: we want it. I always say that if you just
[1:11:07] Speaker 2: are struggling with having the communication around whatever you got,
[1:11:11] Speaker 2: and you guys haven't had sex yet, or even if
[1:11:14] Speaker 2: you have, I guess, go and get tested together. Please,
[1:11:17] Speaker 2: even if you can't say it out of your mouth,
[1:11:20] Speaker 2: because I can only imagine how embarrassing it can be
[1:11:22] Speaker 2: to be like, I don't know how you're going to
[1:11:23] Speaker 2: take this. Go get tested together. And just blindly show
[1:11:26] Speaker 2: each other the results. You might he might have it.
[1:11:28] Speaker 2: She might have it too.
[1:11:30] Speaker 1: You could also buy I'm curious to know because there's
[1:11:32] Speaker 1: a question in there for that.
[1:11:35] Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, And I was say, you know, have the
[1:11:38] Speaker 4: tough talk, so and not everybody is not a death sentence.
[1:11:41] Speaker 4: And the statistics show went out of four people have
[1:11:44] Speaker 4: it right.
[1:11:44] Speaker 2: So it is what it is.
[1:11:47] Speaker 4: But again, talk about paint a picture of what this
[1:11:50] Speaker 4: looks like life with this in life with having this
[1:11:55] Speaker 4: diagnosis with me, So again, paint the picture.
[1:11:58] Speaker 3: Of what this looks like.
[1:11:59] Speaker 2: Begin In this episode we talked about experiences. Give him
[1:12:02] Speaker 2: the herpes experience. They don't have to be bad. Don't
[1:12:07] Speaker 2: give experience. I hope it works out for you since
[1:12:12] Speaker 2: I hope you're able to have a conversation with your man,
[1:12:14] Speaker 2: and I hope and pray for you for your benefit
[1:12:17] Speaker 2: that you're not staying in a relationship just because you
[1:12:20] Speaker 2: got a little HPV. You're gonna be all.
[1:12:22] Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, don't say don't stay.
[1:12:23] Speaker 2: For that, don't stay because of that, don't stay, don't
[1:12:26] Speaker 2: that's mine and then you lets have power over you.
[1:12:28] Speaker 2: Don't let nobody have that much power. And he's not
[1:12:32] Speaker 2: guaranteed to stay at all.
[1:12:34] Speaker 4: So you have to learn how to live with this
[1:12:36] Speaker 4: and do life with this, potentially with someone else.
[1:12:39] Speaker 5: You have.
[1:12:39] Speaker 4: You thirty six, you have a whole life to live
[1:12:41] Speaker 4: right you're young, So anyways.
[1:12:46] Speaker 1: Good luck girl. If anybody else needs advice, you can
[1:12:49] Speaker 1: email us advice at cocktailspot dot com. And now we'll
[1:12:52] Speaker 1: move on to the cocktails. Springtime is the perfect time
[1:12:57] Speaker 1: to recharge and get back to you. And something that
[1:13:01] Speaker 1: I love when it's time to recharge and get back
[1:13:04] Speaker 1: to me is to enjoy a good little flick.
[1:13:07] Speaker 6: Okay.
[1:13:08] Speaker 1: Erica LUs is a visionary in the world of adult cinema,
[1:13:12] Speaker 1: creating ethical, feminist and cinematic porn that prioritizes both pleasure
[1:13:17] Speaker 1: and respect. We love the letters and emails and dms
[1:13:21] Speaker 1: that y'all send us submitting your cocktails. They are amazing.
[1:13:25] Speaker 1: I think some of y'all really should get into writing.
[1:13:27] Speaker 1: But sometimes you really need a visual you know what
[1:13:29] Speaker 1: I mean. So it's really important that not only when
[1:13:31] Speaker 1: you are looking to have that visual pleasurable experience by
[1:13:36] Speaker 1: watching porn, that we are a little bit more conscious
[1:13:39] Speaker 1: and aware of the content that we're consuming. Ethical porn
[1:13:43] Speaker 1: is really important and over. At Erica LUs, the performers
[1:13:46] Speaker 1: are treated with respect, they're paid fairly, and they participate
[1:13:50] Speaker 1: in consensual, transparent production processes. Erica LUs films are free
[1:13:56] Speaker 1: from exploitative practices commonly found in mainstream, unpaid for porn platforms.
[1:14:01] Speaker 1: Erica Lust is also very aware of some of the
[1:14:04] Speaker 1: problematic representations in adult content. There's just so many different things,
[1:14:09] Speaker 1: and the production quality is amazing, you know. We always
[1:14:13] Speaker 1: say it's hard sometimes when it's looking a little dusty
[1:14:16] Speaker 1: on the camera, you know what I mean. They have
[1:14:18] Speaker 1: an amazing cinematic experience. They have stunning visuals, sophisticated storytelling,
[1:14:23] Speaker 1: and really high production value. So you're getting the visual,
[1:14:27] Speaker 1: but you're also getting the story and it's gonna help
[1:14:29] Speaker 1: you really just get wrapped up in the fantasy of it.
[1:14:33] Speaker 5: All.
[1:14:33] Speaker 1: These films are gonna avoid all the icky, uncomfortable feelings
[1:14:37] Speaker 1: that sometimes some people will find when you are searching
[1:14:40] Speaker 1: for a video. I know I've been there many times
[1:14:42] Speaker 1: when I'm looking at free stuff. And I don't know
[1:14:45] Speaker 1: if you guys have ever paid for porn before, but
[1:14:48] Speaker 1: I definitely have. And let me tell you, it is
[1:14:50] Speaker 1: a world of difference. We want you guys to go
[1:14:53] Speaker 1: visit Erica lust dot com it's e R I KA
[1:14:57] Speaker 1: lust dot com to discover content that is not only
[1:15:01] Speaker 1: sexy but also aligned with your values. There's a special
[1:15:04] Speaker 1: discount available exclusively for Cocktails listeners, which you can access
[1:15:08] Speaker 1: by checking the episode description. A reminder that our special
[1:15:11] Speaker 1: code is Cocktails forty five. That's c O C K
[1:15:14] Speaker 1: T A L E S four five and you will
[1:15:16] Speaker 1: get forty five percent off on Erica lust dot com.
[1:15:20] Speaker 1: Go ahead and check him out and tell him we
[1:15:22] Speaker 1: sent you.
[1:15:22] Speaker 2: Uh huh uh.
[1:15:30] Speaker 5: Fo.
[1:15:31] Speaker 1: But I'm won't come.
[1:15:33] Speaker 5: But how it on?
[1:15:33] Speaker 4: Mean you ain't know?
[1:15:37] Speaker 2: Is it some cash in the place that somebody sat
[1:15:39] Speaker 2: your plate?
[1:15:40] Speaker 1: Turn around? Once upon a time, not long ago, I
[1:15:43] Speaker 1: was a pop.
[1:15:47] Speaker 2: And this week Tanna's gonna share content. To guess the
[1:15:51] Speaker 2: flora is yours? Girl?
[1:15:52] Speaker 4: Oh so what cocktail am I going to share? So
[1:15:55] Speaker 4: this is a story, personal story. So you know, I
[1:15:57] Speaker 4: thought about this and I really wanted to share something
[1:16:02] Speaker 4: that would benefit the listeners. And so I think about
[1:16:06] Speaker 4: over the course of my life, when I was in
[1:16:08] Speaker 4: my twenties and I was proving myself to men. I mean,
[1:16:12] Speaker 4: when I tell you I was you know, having them
[1:16:15] Speaker 4: over for dinner. I was cooking, I was cleaning.
[1:16:19] Speaker 3: I was sexeen.
[1:16:20] Speaker 4: I was doing things right, a whole Thanksgiving dinner on
[1:16:24] Speaker 4: a Tuesday, just to prove that I can cook, so
[1:16:27] Speaker 4: he can choose me right, And guess.
[1:16:30] Speaker 2: They never did.
[1:16:31] Speaker 3: They never did.
[1:16:33] Speaker 2: And so it seemed to.
[1:16:34] Speaker 4: Me was a pattern, like I would do all the things.
[1:16:36] Speaker 4: I'm dancing a jig, I'm doing this somewhere in lingerie.
[1:16:39] Speaker 4: I'm doing whatever I thought to do to deem valuable
[1:16:44] Speaker 4: of him. I would do four times has happened every
[1:16:49] Speaker 4: relationship that I was in, we broke up, either I
[1:16:53] Speaker 4: broke up with him or he broke up with me,
[1:16:55] Speaker 4: and the very next woman that they dated, they married.
[1:16:59] Speaker 4: This happened four times. Can you imagine how climb a wall?
[1:17:04] Speaker 2: Are you devastated when you found that?
[1:17:05] Speaker 4: Beyond devastated, beyond devastated. This happened to me four times,
[1:17:10] Speaker 4: and so the fifth By the fifth time, or at
[1:17:14] Speaker 4: the end of the fourth time, I said this, next man, right,
[1:17:17] Speaker 4: I'm gonna take some time for myself, rediscover me.
[1:17:21] Speaker 3: I'm going to decide, you know what am I doing?
[1:17:27] Speaker 3: What am I doing?
[1:17:27] Speaker 4: What is it about me that they're not choosing it
[1:17:31] Speaker 4: was because I didn't value myself. I was given everything
[1:17:34] Speaker 4: away just trying to prove that I was worthy, when
[1:17:38] Speaker 4: in fact that I was worthy all along, but until
[1:17:41] Speaker 4: I believed it. You know, no one else would believe
[1:17:44] Speaker 4: it until I believed it. So the next relationship, I said, no,
[1:17:47] Speaker 4: I'm gonna do things completely different. I'm not going to
[1:17:50] Speaker 4: go all in. I'm not going to do all those things.
[1:17:53] Speaker 4: I'm not going to give away, you know, the world
[1:17:57] Speaker 4: to him right away. He's going to earn it. It's
[1:18:00] Speaker 4: gonna earn it, and I'm gonna give them drips of
[1:18:02] Speaker 4: my love, drips and drips and drips of my vulnerability
[1:18:06] Speaker 4: and my love.
[1:18:07] Speaker 3: And that next relationship with my husband.
[1:18:10] Speaker 2: There is a twelve step program that is a lot
[1:18:13] Speaker 2: like the Alcohol Anonymous program, but it's geared towards UH
[1:18:17] Speaker 2: dating and I've been doing a lot of research about
[1:18:20] Speaker 2: it because while that hasn't been my same experience, I've
[1:18:23] Speaker 2: had some similar things happen and it's forced me to
[1:18:26] Speaker 2: like really sit with myself, especially after this last breakup
[1:18:29] Speaker 2: that I had, which has been life changing. And in
[1:18:33] Speaker 2: this program, it basically teaches women and men, but really
[1:18:37] Speaker 2: women to have this sort of dating plan where you
[1:18:43] Speaker 2: do not do anything intimate, and by anything intimate, cooking
[1:18:47] Speaker 2: absolutely out of the court. You're not cooking for nobody.
[1:18:51] Speaker 2: You're not even coming over to somebody's house, and you
[1:18:53] Speaker 2: don't go to theirs. And they tell you to stick
[1:18:55] Speaker 2: to this for like thirty plus days so that you
[1:18:58] Speaker 2: actually can make sure that you are getting to know
[1:19:01] Speaker 2: someone in a real way depending on what you want
[1:19:04] Speaker 2: and how you handle relationships in it, and you taking
[1:19:08] Speaker 2: out the intimate parts and details of that before somebody
[1:19:11] Speaker 2: has actually I guess, deemed themselves worthy or you just
[1:19:16] Speaker 2: think that there you're ready for that. It takes away
[1:19:19] Speaker 2: all of the fakeness of you getting tricked into some shit.
[1:19:22] Speaker 2: And I was like, the amounts of times I'll cook
[1:19:24] Speaker 2: for somebody, or you come over to my house or
[1:19:26] Speaker 2: I come over to your house, and it's a serious situation.
[1:19:29] Speaker 2: Like like I said, this relationship that I just got
[1:19:30] Speaker 2: out of it changed my whole life. It's not like
[1:19:32] Speaker 2: a flames are different if you really didn't care. But
[1:19:35] Speaker 2: when you have some life changing shit that really make
[1:19:37] Speaker 2: you sit down and look at yourself, sis, you better
[1:19:41] Speaker 2: handle it differently or you're just gonna keep finding yourself
[1:19:43] Speaker 2: in it and keep and a lot of it is
[1:19:47] Speaker 2: taking those intimate Can I still connect with you if
[1:19:49] Speaker 2: we take you don't come to my house. We have
[1:19:52] Speaker 2: to get creative with how we're getting to know each other,
[1:19:54] Speaker 2: so that we're getting to know each other. Yeah, it's
[1:19:57] Speaker 2: a cool thing. I love it.
[1:19:58] Speaker 3: I love I absolutely love it.
[1:20:01] Speaker 2: I love you, Thank you, thank you so much.
[1:20:04] Speaker 1: I really enjoyed this conversation.
[1:20:07] Speaker 2: We gotta have you come back. I would love to
[1:20:10] Speaker 2: love you, ladies. I love what you're doing. I'm so
[1:20:11] Speaker 2: proud of you. And let all of our listeners know
[1:20:14] Speaker 2: how they can book you, how they can find you,
[1:20:16] Speaker 2: how they can keep.
[1:20:16] Speaker 4: Up with you.
[1:20:17] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[1:20:17] Speaker 4: So, My website is Tannagilmore dot com. My Instagram is
[1:20:22] Speaker 4: Tennessee Gilmore. My YouTube channel is Tennessee Gilmore All Things
[1:20:27] Speaker 4: Tennessee Gilmore, Tannasy Gilmore.
[1:20:30] Speaker 2: Thank you so much for joining.
[1:20:31] Speaker 1: Thank you for ha I'm gonna link it in the
[1:20:34] Speaker 1: description box below. Also make sure you check the description
[1:20:38] Speaker 1: box for everything we've promoted in the episode and also
[1:20:42] Speaker 1: the upcoming trips. Medina's going to Arizona. I'm going to
[1:20:45] Speaker 1: Jamaica and we want you guys to come with us.
[1:20:47] Speaker 1: Make sure you're also following us on Instagram together. We're
[1:20:51] Speaker 1: at Cocktails Podcast.
[1:20:52] Speaker 2: I'm at Kekey Said So, and I'm at Coffee beany
[1:20:55] Speaker 2: And until next week, you guys, Goodbye.
[1:20:58] Speaker 5: Goodbye bye sweet bye bye b b B good bye
[1:21:08] Speaker 5: bye bye.
[1:21:10] Speaker 6: We are a dry by bye bye

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