# How to Handle Dating in the Tween Years \[a Listener Q&A\]

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 31 Aug 2026, 15 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/044beb74-73d0-4a0b-b1a0-b4ac001d43a7/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

Your 12-year-old announces they’re dating someone. There’s hand-holding, constant texting and plenty of “love you” messages. Do you shut it down, set rules or stay out of it? Justin and Kylie unpack early teenage romance and why keeping your child talking to you matters more than trying to monitor every interaction. They explain what “dating” often means at this age, how to protect friendships and school life, and how to set boundaries without pushing the relationship underground. KEY POINTS • Romantic interest commonly ramps up around ages 11 to 12. • Before reacting, ask your child what “dating” actually means to them. • Open disclosure from your child is more valuable than trying to monitor everything they do. • Watch whether the relationship starts replacing friendships, activities or school responsibilities. • Trying to ban the relationship completely may simply push it underground. • Talk about what respectful relationships look like, including helping the other person feel safe and strong. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “As long as you can have an open dialogue, then you have influence.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Developmental psychology research on early adolescent romantic relationships • Research by Stattin and Kerr on parental monitoring and child disclosure • Happy Families website and podcast question submission ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Get curious first. Ask what “dating” means to your child before deciding how worried you need to be. • Keep them talking. Protect the relationship that makes your child comfortable telling you what’s happening. • Set clear expectations. Explain your family’s boundaries around dating without turning the conversation into command and control. • Watch the bigger picture. Notice changes in friendships, schoolwork, extracurricular activities and family life. • Talk about respect. Teach your child what it means to make another person feel safe, respected and valued. • Try side-by-side conversations. A walk, drive or other low-pressure moment can make sensitive conversations easier. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Families podcast. Oh boy, have
[0:09] Speaker 1: we got a doozy for you? Today? Your twelve year
[0:11] Speaker 1: old comes home year seven, turns out he's got a girlfriend,
[0:16] Speaker 1: or at least something like a girlfriend. There's handholding at lunch.
[0:20] Speaker 1: There's a whole lot of I love you, I love
[0:22] Speaker 1: you two in the text messages, which you know because
[0:25] Speaker 1: you're reading them. Today's listener wants to know how to
[0:28] Speaker 1: manage her son's first major romance so that it doesn't
[0:32] Speaker 1: derail his schooling. I can't wait to get into this
[0:35] Speaker 1: juicy one. It's next on The Happy Family's podcast. Hello,
[0:41] Speaker 1: Welcome to The Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every
[0:44] Speaker 1: single day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast, where Justin
[0:46] Speaker 1: and Kylie Colson, parents of six kids, who have put
[0:50] Speaker 1: us through the romantic relationship stuff so many times. In fact,
[0:54] Speaker 1: with two single kids aged what are they eighteen and
[0:59] Speaker 1: twenty two or something like that, we're living it. But
[1:02] Speaker 1: at the other end, at the very very serious end,
[1:04] Speaker 1: twelve years old does start there, and today's question is
[1:09] Speaker 1: a tricky one about how to handle it. Oh, by
[1:11] Speaker 1: the way, before I play you the audio of this question,
[1:13] Speaker 1: that came in from jen. You can send your tricky
[1:16] Speaker 1: questions to podcasts at happy families dot com. Do you
[1:19] Speaker 1: just record a voice note and shoot it through Otherwise
[1:20] Speaker 1: on our website, happy families dot com, there's this super
[1:23] Speaker 1: simple system where you just click the button and start talking.
[1:26] Speaker 1: It records it and sends it to us. We'd love
[1:29] Speaker 1: to hear from you. Jennifer's question sounds like this, Hi,
[1:33] Speaker 1: I have.
[1:33] Speaker 2: A twelve year old son who attends Christian co ed school.
[1:36] Speaker 2: In year seven. He's wanting to date this girl in
[1:39] Speaker 2: year seven, or they may already be dating, because I
[1:43] Speaker 2: do check their text messages just to make sure he's
[1:45] Speaker 2: not saying inappropriate things. And there's a lot of love
[1:49] Speaker 2: you and love you too. He hasn't hit puberty yet,
[1:52] Speaker 2: but knowing that boys mature later, the girl is more forward.
[1:57] Speaker 2: She was the one who told him that she likes
[1:59] Speaker 2: him last year in grade six. I talked to other
[2:02] Speaker 2: mums about it. They said, there's nothing you can do.
[2:05] Speaker 2: You have to just just let them. It's better if
[2:07] Speaker 2: he tells you things, which he does, rather than going
[2:10] Speaker 2: behind your back. I'm wanting to know how to manage
[2:14] Speaker 2: this because he doesn't have very good self control, and
[2:17] Speaker 2: I want him to focus on school, but it's distractions
[2:20] Speaker 2: every day he's going to school, thank you.
[2:23] Speaker 1: And I can't help but seeing lovers in the air
[2:26] Speaker 1: everywhere I look around. Okay, so Kylie romance at school.
[2:31] Speaker 1: A couple of things. First off, how good is it
[2:33] Speaker 1: that Jen's twelve year old son is coming home and saying, hey, Mum,
[2:37] Speaker 1: here's where I'm at. Right? Like that communication so valuable.
[2:41] Speaker 1: We've talked about this on the doctor's desk before, but
[2:44] Speaker 1: I want to remind you really important study that was
[2:47] Speaker 1: done a number of years ago now from a couple
[2:50] Speaker 1: of researchers Statn and Kerr who found that when it
[2:53] Speaker 1: comes to parental monitoring not that important because the kids
[2:57] Speaker 1: just figure out how to hide stuff. What matters is
[3:00] Speaker 1: a child disclosure to parents. And we've got a twelve
[3:03] Speaker 1: your our boy who's happy to disclose. He's happy to
[3:05] Speaker 1: sit down and say here's where I'm at, here's what's
[3:07] Speaker 1: going on. So I just wanted to pick up on
[3:09] Speaker 1: that straight away. The other thing that I really want
[3:11] Speaker 1: to pick up on straight away is a girl who
[3:13] Speaker 1: is expressing her interest isn't forward, it's just confidence, and
[3:18] Speaker 1: I think that's fine. I think that's wonderful. How we
[3:21] Speaker 1: talk about girls teaches our son how to talk about girls,
[3:26] Speaker 1: and it sounds like, well, we don't have all the context,
[3:28] Speaker 1: but initially I just say they like each other, and
[3:30] Speaker 1: she's happy to say it, and I think that's wonderful.
[3:32] Speaker 1: I like it when you tell me that you like me.
[3:34] Speaker 3: And I guess the other thing that stands out to
[3:35] Speaker 3: me is and I have been at fault so many
[3:39] Speaker 3: times where the kids have come home and said something
[3:42] Speaker 3: and I have jumped in full body, fully clothed, and
[3:48] Speaker 3: committed to what I think it is they're asking me
[3:52] Speaker 3: without really understanding what it is that they are asking.
[3:54] Speaker 1: I have a PhD in psychology. I'm supposed to do better,
[3:57] Speaker 1: but I do the same thing. We constantly talk on
[3:59] Speaker 1: this point cast about how you need to get curious,
[4:01] Speaker 1: not furious, and yet when you start to get worried
[4:04] Speaker 1: about something, you don't get curious. You just go for
[4:06] Speaker 1: command and control.
[4:08] Speaker 3: Yeah, what does dating look like to a twelve year old?
[4:11] Speaker 1: What a great question to ask your twelve year old son.
[4:13] Speaker 1: So if you guys are dating, what does that actually mean?
[4:15] Speaker 1: Because I haven't seen you go on any dates? So
[4:18] Speaker 1: what's going on here, Like, let's talk it through.
[4:20] Speaker 3: Is there any data on this about when boys and
[4:23] Speaker 3: girls start to kind of be interested having boyfriends and girlfriends.
[4:27] Speaker 1: Developmental psychology research shows that around about eleven to twelve
[4:32] Speaker 1: is when romantic interest really ramps up, So there can
[4:35] Speaker 1: be an interest from as young as five, six seven,
[4:39] Speaker 1: six seven, and six seven. Sorry I couldn't help at
[4:41] Speaker 1: six seven, but it really kind of becomes a bit
[4:44] Speaker 1: more serious and kids start to genuinely talk about proper
[4:48] Speaker 1: boyfriend girlfriend sort of stuff from about eleven or twelve.
[4:52] Speaker 1: That's yeah.
[4:53] Speaker 3: So I remember my much. My first kiss on the
[4:57] Speaker 3: cheek was the first first time a boy had kissed
[5:01] Speaker 3: me on the cheek. I was ten.
[5:03] Speaker 1: I'm getting a bit jealous here. I'm not, well, you
[5:05] Speaker 1: were ten. I feel a bit weird saying that now
[5:07] Speaker 1: I've said that night. I was fifteen when I had
[5:09] Speaker 1: my first kiss. Fifteen, I was late Luna.
[5:11] Speaker 3: But that was a big deal for me at ten,
[5:14] Speaker 3: Like I knew that I liked him. He was probably
[5:16] Speaker 3: a couple of years older than me. I don't actually
[5:18] Speaker 3: remember he was a little bit older than me, but
[5:21] Speaker 3: we had well, I had just found out that we
[5:23] Speaker 3: were leaving the country. We were moving overseas and coming
[5:26] Speaker 3: to Australia, and so it was all of a sudden,
[5:29] Speaker 3: this big, you know, kind of lovers lost kind of thing.
[5:33] Speaker 3: We liked each other, it was obvious, and now we
[5:36] Speaker 3: were never gonna yeah I.
[5:37] Speaker 1: Would yeah, yeah, of course. So kids will have crushes younger.
[5:40] Speaker 1: My first major crush was Bobby mc minn in grade two.
[5:44] Speaker 1: I was crazy about her. And then it was Natalie
[5:45] Speaker 1: Green in grade three, and the list goes on. I
[5:48] Speaker 1: had a lot of very big crushes.
[5:50] Speaker 3: Hopefully they're not listening.
[5:51] Speaker 1: We're never reciprocated Niagara Park Public School. If you were,
[5:55] Speaker 1: you'll remember, okay anyway, So what we see in early adolescence,
[6:01] Speaker 1: there's a lot of interest in romantic relationships age eleven, twelve, thirteen,
[6:04] Speaker 1: somewhere around there. Typically, what the data suggests is that
[6:08] Speaker 1: they are fairly brief relationships. They're more about identity and status,
[6:13] Speaker 1: like I get to be someone's boyfriend or girlfriend, and
[6:16] Speaker 1: that matters more than what you actually do as a
[6:19] Speaker 1: boyfriend or a girlfriend. It's just being part of it,
[6:22] Speaker 1: and that whole love you love you two. At twelve,
[6:26] Speaker 1: it's social rehearsal more than it's some kind of passionate.
[6:30] Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, we are in this hardcore relationship now.
[6:33] Speaker 1: I'm saying that when things get scary, and there are
[6:36] Speaker 1: some stories that I hear from time to time which
[6:39] Speaker 1: worry me. Sometimes it's actually very very intimate and physical,
[6:42] Speaker 1: but most of the time those are outwise. Most of
[6:45] Speaker 1: the time it's pretty innocent sort of stuff, And I
[6:48] Speaker 1: think that it's just really annoying as a parent because
[6:52] Speaker 1: you want them to not do this. And our advice
[6:55] Speaker 1: to our girls has always been, don't have a boyfriend
[6:58] Speaker 1: until you finished high school, because then the conversations are,
[7:03] Speaker 1: what have you noticed about all of the relationships that
[7:07] Speaker 1: your friends have once they start getting romantically invested, what
[7:10] Speaker 1: happens to their girlfriend relationships, what happens to the relationships
[7:14] Speaker 1: with other guys, what happens when they break up? And
[7:17] Speaker 1: the stories that are told. Because it's always short term,
[7:19] Speaker 1: it doesn't usually last a long time. And our girls
[7:22] Speaker 1: fortunately have said, oh, yeah, once a girl falls in
[7:26] Speaker 1: love with a boy and they become an item, they
[7:28] Speaker 1: kind of dump all of their friends and then when
[7:31] Speaker 1: it goes south, which it almost invariably, will they come back,
[7:36] Speaker 1: but it's never quite the same And there's just all
[7:39] Speaker 1: this stuff going on, and then people tell stories, the
[7:42] Speaker 1: rumors spread around the school. We've also encouraged our girls
[7:45] Speaker 1: that if they've decided to ignore our first advice about
[7:48] Speaker 1: not having a boyfriend at school, that they should make
[7:52] Speaker 1: sure that if they do have a boyfriend while they're
[7:53] Speaker 1: still at school, that he does not go to the
[7:57] Speaker 1: same school because of the complications that arise. There's a
[8:01] Speaker 1: couple of ideas in the second part of this podcast,
[8:04] Speaker 1: after break, I want to talk more about how you
[8:06] Speaker 1: can have those conversations with your son and what to
[8:09] Speaker 1: expect in the interactions. That's next. We're back. It's The
[8:21] Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast Teen Romance. What do we do when
[8:24] Speaker 1: the kids are only twelve or thirteen and they've got
[8:26] Speaker 1: a crush on it, Well, they've gone beyond crush. They're
[8:29] Speaker 1: loving each other, They love you and love you too,
[8:31] Speaker 1: and all that sort of stuff. As parents, it just
[8:35] Speaker 1: keeps on going, like there's always something.
[8:38] Speaker 3: I remember when one of our girls came home, she
[8:40] Speaker 3: was only about seven, and she told us that her
[8:42] Speaker 3: friends were sexting. And when I asked her what that was,
[8:46] Speaker 3: because I was absolutely panicking.
[8:49] Speaker 1: You are ready to tackle somebody, but like, what is
[8:52] Speaker 1: going on here?
[8:53] Speaker 3: They're holding hands. That's what they were doing, right, they
[8:56] Speaker 3: were holding hands.
[8:57] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[9:00] Speaker 3: I think it's so important for us to get all
[9:03] Speaker 3: the information before we kind of, you know, jump in.
[9:07] Speaker 3: But the other thing that stood out to me in
[9:09] Speaker 3: Jen's question was the fear and concern she has around
[9:14] Speaker 3: this being a distraction to her son's schooling. Yeah, and
[9:19] Speaker 3: I think that that's really important for us to kind
[9:21] Speaker 3: of just tap into.
[9:22] Speaker 1: Right now, my two cents worth is he's in grade seven.
[9:26] Speaker 1: I wouldn't be too worried about it, but it is
[9:28] Speaker 1: going to have an impact, right, Like, if he's distracted,
[9:30] Speaker 1: he's not concentrating on school, he's not going to do
[9:32] Speaker 1: as much learning, and the downstream effects potentially measurable. Again,
[9:37] Speaker 1: these relationships don't usually last too long, and teachers are
[9:41] Speaker 1: usually honored. They're going to make sure that the kids
[9:43] Speaker 1: are getting their work done. I just keep an eye
[9:45] Speaker 1: on his grades if you're worried about it. The other
[9:47] Speaker 1: thing that I would say, and this has been a
[9:49] Speaker 1: recurring theme in the Heavy Families podcast, is we make
[9:51] Speaker 1: much bigger deal about our kids' school results that we
[9:54] Speaker 1: need to.
[9:54] Speaker 3: Yeah. I was going to push back a little bit there.
[9:56] Speaker 3: I think it's I think that it's good for our
[9:59] Speaker 3: kids to have dictions.
[10:00] Speaker 2: Right.
[10:01] Speaker 3: If their entire focus is on grades and doing well,
[10:06] Speaker 3: then there's no balance in their lives. And I think
[10:09] Speaker 3: it's really important that we teach our kids that relationships
[10:12] Speaker 3: are important, whether they're romantic ones or not. That makes
[10:15] Speaker 3: the richness in our lives, right relate, Good relationships make
[10:18] Speaker 3: our lives rich.
[10:19] Speaker 1: So the conversation with this son really is what are
[10:22] Speaker 1: you doing that's going to enrich your life? And is
[10:26] Speaker 1: this relationship interfering with those things? Maybe there's a couple
[10:29] Speaker 1: of extra curricular activities, maybe there's some stuff going on
[10:32] Speaker 1: at school, whatever those things are, we want to make
[10:34] Speaker 1: sure that the relationship isn't interfering, and we want to
[10:37] Speaker 1: make sure also that it's not interfering with his friendships.
[10:40] Speaker 1: As I said in part one of the pod, we
[10:43] Speaker 1: often will see that once a child a young adolescent
[10:48] Speaker 1: becomes romantically interested in somebody else, that all of their
[10:53] Speaker 1: other relationships fall by the wayside. They just dump their
[10:56] Speaker 1: friends because they're so so in love with this other person.
[11:00] Speaker 3: And they become their whole world.
[11:02] Speaker 1: Which is really unhealthy. It's not what they need.
[11:04] Speaker 3: Yeah, So the other mum's advice, they're suggesting that there's
[11:08] Speaker 3: nothing Jen can do about this, that she just has
[11:10] Speaker 3: to let things kind of fly, and that snooping is
[11:14] Speaker 3: definitely going to be detrimental to her relationship with her son.
[11:18] Speaker 3: Is there any truth to that.
[11:19] Speaker 1: Well, we've already covered the snooping thing. While ever, your
[11:21] Speaker 1: son is happy to share and disclose, that's way better
[11:24] Speaker 1: than you having to monitor.
[11:25] Speaker 3: So the reality is he's not going to share everything, right,
[11:27] Speaker 3: he will always withhold something.
[11:30] Speaker 1: That's what kids have always done from data.
[11:33] Speaker 3: But as long as you can have an open dialogue,
[11:36] Speaker 3: then you have influence.
[11:38] Speaker 2: Yep.
[11:38] Speaker 1: So I still stand by I don't want twelve year
[11:42] Speaker 1: olds dating. I don't want twelve year olds having romantic relationships.
[11:44] Speaker 1: I want twelve year olds to be kids and just
[11:46] Speaker 1: enjoy what it is to be a carefree twelve year
[11:49] Speaker 1: old without being encumbered by the demands of a relationship,
[11:54] Speaker 1: especially when they're not ready for it. And while it
[11:55] Speaker 1: might be rehearsal and it might be cute and fun,
[11:58] Speaker 1: it's not developmentally appropriate that the relationships become something substantial.
[12:02] Speaker 1: And so I think as parents we have a responsibility
[12:05] Speaker 1: to talked about kids about keeping those relationships light and easy.
[12:09] Speaker 1: Second thing that I would say is that the parents
[12:12] Speaker 1: are right, those other mums are right, Like, if you
[12:14] Speaker 1: really try to shut this thing down, it'll just go underground.
[12:17] Speaker 1: So the open dialogue and then the conversations about what
[12:20] Speaker 1: it means, as we've already covered, are important. Last thing
[12:23] Speaker 1: i'd say, I want to make sure that as a
[12:25] Speaker 1: mum of a son, you're talking to him about what
[12:28] Speaker 1: a healthy boy does. A healthy man, healthy man, healthy
[12:30] Speaker 1: masculinity is helping the people around you feel safer and stronger.
[12:33] Speaker 1: She has to always feel safe and strong with you.
[12:35] Speaker 1: You've got to be attentive, considerate, mindful of what's going
[12:38] Speaker 1: to work or not work for her, and be responsive accordingly.
[12:42] Speaker 3: So how would you go about having that conversation Your
[12:44] Speaker 3: son's come to you, he's asked you whether or not
[12:47] Speaker 3: he can date this girl.
[12:49] Speaker 1: Well, I'd say, tell me more about it and where
[12:51] Speaker 1: you're up to invite him into the conversation.
[12:55] Speaker 3: So it's that whole idea of getting curious.
[12:57] Speaker 1: Getting curious, not curious. But then the next step is
[13:00] Speaker 1: like for me, if it was our daughter and she
[13:02] Speaker 1: was anywhere between twelve and sixteen, I'd pause and say,
[13:06] Speaker 1: we've talked about this a lot in our family when
[13:08] Speaker 1: it comes to boyfriend's girlfriend's relationship sort of stuff. My
[13:12] Speaker 1: really strong preference, I know you don't like it, but
[13:15] Speaker 1: my really strong preference is that you don't date at
[13:18] Speaker 1: this point. You can be friends, you can spend time
[13:21] Speaker 1: with them, but that you don't quote unquote have a
[13:24] Speaker 1: boyfriend slash girlfriend relationship. And then the broader conversation about
[13:28] Speaker 1: healthy masculinity, about what happens when people break up, about
[13:33] Speaker 1: the way that they've got to maintain all of the
[13:36] Speaker 1: other aspects of their lives that are important to them.
[13:38] Speaker 1: That's kind of where I'm landing on it.
[13:40] Speaker 3: When I think about the most powerful conversations we've had
[13:43] Speaker 3: with our kids, it usually hasn't been sitting on a
[13:45] Speaker 3: bed or sitting across the table. It's been the conversations
[13:48] Speaker 3: we've had when we've gone for a walk along the
[13:50] Speaker 3: beach or taken the dog for a walk late at night.
[13:53] Speaker 3: Right the opportunity to have insightful, meaningful conversations with our
[13:58] Speaker 3: children usually happens when you're side by side, And that's
[14:01] Speaker 3: probably the only other thing I would kind of gift
[14:04] Speaker 3: Jen right now, Well.
[14:05] Speaker 1: Jen We really appreciate the question, thanks for sending it through.
[14:07] Speaker 1: If you've got tricky questions, send them on through to
[14:09] Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot you. Podcasts at happy families
[14:13] Speaker 1: dot com dot you, or on the website you can
[14:15] Speaker 1: just scroll down to where it says record, push the
[14:17] Speaker 1: button start talking. Tell us what's on your mind. We'd
[14:20] Speaker 1: love to be as helpful as we possibly can be.
[14:22] Speaker 1: The Happy Families Podcast sound and audio engineering from Justin
[14:25] Speaker 1: rule On at Bridge Media, Mim Hammond's looks after admin
[14:28] Speaker 1: and other support. If you'd like more info to make
[14:31] Speaker 1: your family happier, visit us at happy families dot com
[14:33] Speaker 1: dot a you

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