# Why Restricting Party Treats Can Backfire \[a Listener Q&A\]

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 7 Sep 2026, 14 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/f00777f3-ba55-43d0-990f-b4b300ba475f/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

Your child is standing in front of a party table loaded with cake, lollies and soft drink. Do you step in or let them go for it? Justin and Kylie’s answer might surprise you: let the party be the party. Research suggests that tightly restricting treats can make kids want them even more. Instead of policing every mouthful, this episode explores how parents can help kids build genuine self-control, trust around food and the ability to notice when their body has had enough. KEY POINTS • Why restricting treats can make them more desirable • The problem with policing what kids eat at parties • Why healthy food habits are built at home, not beside the lolly table • How trust helps kids develop their own self-control • Why parents can decide what food is offered while kids decide whether and how much they eat • How to help kids recognise their body's signals • Why the best teaching moment may come after the party QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “The child who is calm around the lolly table got there by being trusted around food when it wasn't a big deal.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Fisher and Birch research on restricting children's access to palatable foods • Walter Mischel's Marshmallow Experiment and the 2018 replication study • Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility in Feeding ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Let parties be parties. One afternoon of cake and lollies isn't going to determine your child's health. • Build everyday habits at home. Offer nutritious options without turning food into a constant battle. • Take the drama out of treats. Avoid making sugary food forbidden, precious or unusually exciting. • Give your child some control. Let them practise deciding how much they want to eat. • Talk afterwards. If they come home feeling sick or uncomfortable, help them connect how they feel with what they ate rather than lecturing them at the party. • Teach body awareness. Help them notice hunger, fullness and how different foods make them feel. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, where we answer
[0:08] Speaker 1: your tricky questions. On a Tuesday, a listener wants to
[0:11] Speaker 1: know whether a birthday party is a free-for-all when it
[0:14] Speaker 1: comes to the junk food or a teaching moment. Our answer,
[0:17] Speaker 1: I think, might surprise you. I can't wait to fill
[0:19] Speaker 1: you in on what we reckon. The research on restricting kids'
[0:24] Speaker 1: treats is fascinating, and we're going to spend some time
[0:28] Speaker 1: diving into self-control, what we can teach our kids about
[0:31] Speaker 1: listening to their bodies, and and all that jazz if
[0:34] Speaker 1: you want your kids to make better food choices, especially
[0:36] Speaker 1: at parties when there's a lot of people, there's a
[0:39] Speaker 1: lot of energy, and there's a lot of sugar. Stay
[0:42] Speaker 1: with us. That is next. G'day. Welcome to the Happy
[0:47] Speaker 1: Families podcast, real parenting solutions every single day. It's Australia's
[0:50] Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting podcast where Justin and Kylie Coulson, parents
[0:53] Speaker 1: of six daughters, grandparents of one grandbaby, and something that
[0:57] Speaker 1: we have wrestled with So many times a tricky question
[1:00] Speaker 1: about junk food and getting kids to be mindful of
[1:03] Speaker 1: what they stuff into their gobs. That in a sec.
[1:06] Speaker 1: But if you've got a tricky question, we'd love to
[1:07] Speaker 1: hear from you. You just have to jump onto happyfamilies.com.au.
[1:11] Speaker 1: Scroll down to our super simple system where you push
[1:14] Speaker 1: the button and start talking. It's that simple. Just tell
[1:17] Speaker 1: us your name. Tell us where you're from. And off
[1:19] Speaker 1: you go. Hey, also, you can send us a voice
[1:21] Speaker 1: note to podcasts at happyfamilies.com.au. Here is today's question from Rachel.
[1:29] Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie. Love your podcast. I just have
[1:32] Speaker 2: a question for you about treats and how we teach
[1:35] Speaker 2: self-control and restraint in our kids. So when they're at
[1:38] Speaker 2: a party or a celebration, do we just let it
[1:40] Speaker 2: be a free-for-all and they can eat whatever they like
[1:43] Speaker 2: because it's a celebration? Or should we be taking that
[1:46] Speaker 2: as an opportunity to set some boundaries and teach them
[1:49] Speaker 2: some restraint and self-control? Love to hear what your thoughts are.
[1:53] Speaker 1: Free-for-all or teaching moment? Kylie, what do you think?
[1:56] Speaker 3: Free for all.
[1:58] Speaker 2: Yes.
[1:59] Speaker 1: I didn't know that you were going to say that.
[2:00] Speaker 1: I haven't prepped you for this. I really like doing
[2:02] Speaker 1: these questions and getting your initial immediate responses, not filtered
[2:07] Speaker 1: in any way. Ask me what I think.
[2:09] Speaker 3: What do you think?
[2:10] Speaker 1: Do you really want to know?
[2:11] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[2:11] Speaker 1: Free for all. Free for all.
[2:13] Speaker 3: This is not a moment to teach in front of
[2:15] Speaker 3: everybody else.
[2:16] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[2:17] Speaker 3: You want to teach your children important principles. It has
[2:22] Speaker 3: to start at home. And it has to be intrinsically motivated.
[2:26] Speaker 1: So are you thinking that there needs to be conversation
[2:27] Speaker 1: before the party? Now there's going to be a lot
[2:28] Speaker 1: of sugar. What do you think is going to be
[2:29] Speaker 1: the right choice to make?
[2:31] Speaker 3: I think that you can have that conversation if you
[2:33] Speaker 3: want to. But I actually, if everything you're doing at
[2:36] Speaker 3: home is counter to it, what will generally happen is
[2:41] Speaker 3: children will actually regulate themselves if they understand the why
[2:45] Speaker 3: and it's not something that they would regularly do. They
[2:49] Speaker 3: may not, though. And I think that that's okay. It's
[2:52] Speaker 3: not like they're going to a party every weekend.
[2:55] Speaker 1: Well, maybe they are. Maybe they're very popular kids and
[2:56] Speaker 1: they're getting heaps of parties. I don't think the parties
[2:59] Speaker 1: happen as much as they used to.
[2:59] Speaker 3: I was about to say that. I don't think they
[3:01] Speaker 3: happen as much as they used to.
[3:02] Speaker 1: So here's what happens. I reckon if you turn parties
[3:06] Speaker 1: into teaching opportunities all the time, nothing gets learned except
[3:09] Speaker 1: that you're under surveillance. Like the kids just know that
[3:12] Speaker 1: their parents are watching. And so they start doing the
[3:14] Speaker 1: right thing because it's either external motivation or it's interjected.
[3:18] Speaker 1: They feel like They've got to police themselves just in
[3:20] Speaker 1: case they get asked about it. Not a healthy way
[3:24] Speaker 1: to go. The child who is calm around the lolly
[3:28] Speaker 1: table got there by being trusted around food when it
[3:30] Speaker 1: wasn't a big deal. Making a big deal of it
[3:33] Speaker 1: just creates a whole lot of pressure around food. And
[3:36] Speaker 1: I just don't think it's that important. Plus, so long
[3:39] Speaker 1: as your kids are active.
[3:40] Speaker 3: I've got two friends that I can think of right
[3:42] Speaker 3: off the bat. Both of them have restricted sugar. One
[3:47] Speaker 3: family have restricted it and as such they have not
[3:51] Speaker 3: all of their children but one child in particular, she
[3:53] Speaker 3: would literally go to parties and she would stuff her
[3:56] Speaker 3: pockets full of all the sugar that was on offer.
[4:00] Speaker 3: There was no restraint whatsoever. I have another friend and
[4:05] Speaker 3: her children have just grown up understanding what is good
[4:08] Speaker 3: for their body and their mum will talk to them
[4:11] Speaker 3: about what they can have at the party but it
[4:13] Speaker 3: doesn't bother them.
[4:14] Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
[4:14] Speaker 3: Because they don't eat it any other time. So they're
[4:17] Speaker 3: really happy if they're allowed to have three or four
[4:19] Speaker 3: little treats at a party. They don't feel like they're
[4:22] Speaker 3: missing out, but they don't indulge.
[4:25] Speaker 1: I think it comes down to a whole balanced life.
[4:26] Speaker 1: So there's a bit of evidence on putting restrictions on
[4:30] Speaker 1: kids when it comes to eating. Restriction actually backfires. One
[4:34] Speaker 1: of the big studies back in the late 90s, Fisher
[4:37] Speaker 1: and Birch, the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, researchers restricted kids'
[4:42] Speaker 1: access to a palatable snack. When access was later granted,
[4:46] Speaker 1: those children selected more of it, ate more of it,
[4:48] Speaker 1: and talked about it more. I think it's worth highlighting,
[4:51] Speaker 1: when you make a food special, and that's what we
[4:53] Speaker 1: kind of do with treats, right? That's why we call
[4:54] Speaker 1: it a treat, because we're making it special. You also
[4:58] Speaker 1: make it irresistible. Like, we don't make broccoli special. We
[5:02] Speaker 1: don't make Brussels sprouts special. We don't say, oh my goodness, carrots,
[5:05] Speaker 1: we can only have them on special occasions. It's when
[5:08] Speaker 1: you say we've got this other food, that's kind of
[5:11] Speaker 1: a treat. It's sort of junky. It's not really good
[5:13] Speaker 1: for us, but we do have it on special occasions.
[5:15] Speaker 2: Cake.
[5:15] Speaker 1: Everyone's like, oh, I want cake. I want ice cream.
[5:18] Speaker 1: We just want to make sure that it's not an
[5:19] Speaker 1: everyday food. It's not an all the time food. It's
[5:21] Speaker 1: a sometimes food. And because it's a sometimes occasion, like
[5:24] Speaker 1: a birthday party, fill your boots, go for it.
[5:27] Speaker 3: I remember seeing online that marshmallow experiment. It's kind of
[5:33] Speaker 3: cute watching these kids sitting in a room and Looking
[5:36] Speaker 3: at this marshmallow and trying to work out whether or
[5:38] Speaker 3: not they can hold off eating it or waiting because
[5:42] Speaker 3: they've been promised that if they don't eat it until
[5:45] Speaker 3: the person comes back into the room, they get two.
[5:47] Speaker 2: Yep.
[5:48] Speaker 3: And watching little kids as young as like three and four,
[5:52] Speaker 3: you can see the cogs turning in their head. Like
[5:54] Speaker 3: they're kind of like, but I really want that. And
[5:57] Speaker 3: I remember seeing one little kid who kind of licked
[5:59] Speaker 3: his finger and like touched it and, you know, kind
[6:01] Speaker 3: of kept trying to taste it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[6:04] Speaker 1: So that was done by Walter Mischel. It's quite an
[6:06] Speaker 1: old experiment. It is a classic. It was redone in 2018.
[6:11] Speaker 1: It was republished with a more diverse sample. So the
[6:14] Speaker 1: kids that participated in that, if I recall correctly, it
[6:17] Speaker 1: was Stanford University, the kindergarten just there. So a really
[6:21] Speaker 1: restricted sample of kids who were basically the children of
[6:25] Speaker 1: university employees, professors, and that kind of thing. In 2018,
[6:29] Speaker 1: they published a new study doing the same experiment, but
[6:31] Speaker 1: with a much more diverse sample. what they found is
[6:33] Speaker 1: that family background kind of washes out the effect. And
[6:36] Speaker 1: what it really comes down to is not a question
[6:40] Speaker 1: of self-control. What it really comes down to is, do
[6:42] Speaker 1: the kids trust the adult and whether their word is reliable?
[6:47] Speaker 1: So it's not so much about the treat. It's much more,
[6:51] Speaker 1: and child self-control, it's much more about how reliable are
[6:54] Speaker 1: the adults in my life, which really, I'm glad you
[6:57] Speaker 1: asked that actually, because it applies to this conversation that
[6:59] Speaker 1: Rachel has brought up with us. And that is, what
[7:03] Speaker 1: are we doing in terms of trust for our kids?
[7:05] Speaker 1: Because if our kids trust us, then they're going to
[7:08] Speaker 1: make choices that are more aligned with values that we've
[7:12] Speaker 1: been teaching them. After the break, if we're not policing
[7:15] Speaker 1: the party, what do we actually need to do? All right, Kylie,
[7:25] Speaker 1: three things that need to happen to get the job
[7:28] Speaker 1: done so that our children are being reasonably healthy or
[7:31] Speaker 1: Do you know what? Again, I don't think that it's
[7:33] Speaker 1: that big of a deal if this isn't happening frequently,
[7:35] Speaker 1: but three things and none of them happen at the party.
[7:39] Speaker 3: I'm curious, what do you think the first thing is?
[7:42] Speaker 1: You're in charge of the food at home. And I
[7:44] Speaker 1: think that's kind of where all of these conversations begin.
[7:47] Speaker 1: Discussions around what food is offered and when it's offered
[7:50] Speaker 1: and where. There's somebody called Ellen Satter, Division of Responsibility
[7:55] Speaker 1: is what she came up with. And this has been
[7:57] Speaker 1: promoted for a long time now. And It seems to
[8:00] Speaker 1: be the received wisdom and it feels right. We decide
[8:05] Speaker 1: what food is offered. The child decides whether they eat
[8:08] Speaker 1: and how much. Some people would disagree with that and
[8:11] Speaker 1: push back. But I think that we get in trouble
[8:14] Speaker 1: as parents when we cross into their half of that equation.
[8:17] Speaker 1: We say three more bites. We've just got to give
[8:19] Speaker 1: them the right food. They decide how much they're going
[8:23] Speaker 1: to eat and whether they're going to eat it at all.
[8:29] Speaker 3: I've been watching this with our 12-year-old. So she has–
[8:32] Speaker 3: she would fall into the category of a very fussy eater.
[8:35] Speaker 1: She's pretty picky.
[8:37] Speaker 3: And she's had a very, very– again, I would consider
[8:41] Speaker 3: it a bland diet compared to the rest of our kids.
[8:45] Speaker 3: And in our house, our rule has been we just–
[8:48] Speaker 3: we try new things. And so it actually has been
[8:52] Speaker 3: three bites. You just have to try three bites. Once
[8:56] Speaker 3: you've had three mouthfuls of something– you can at least
[8:59] Speaker 3: say that you've given it an honest try. How often
[9:01] Speaker 3: have you tried to give something to a kid and
[9:03] Speaker 3: they don't even open their mouth? It just touches the
[9:05] Speaker 3: tip of their tongue. We're like, just give it three
[9:07] Speaker 3: honest tries. And if you say that you don't want it,
[9:10] Speaker 3: then we'll respect that. But we're going to give it
[9:12] Speaker 3: three goes. And she's actually done really well with that.
[9:16] Speaker 3: And there are plenty of times where she's looked at
[9:17] Speaker 3: us and she's gone, I'm done. That's disgusting. But the
[9:21] Speaker 3: other day she sat down and we ate a meal
[9:23] Speaker 3: that I know she does not like. And I offered
[9:27] Speaker 3: her A meal that she did like or she could
[9:29] Speaker 3: have what we were eating. And when we sat down,
[9:33] Speaker 3: I thought that she had served my meal up for me.
[9:36] Speaker 3: So I went to sit there and she said, no,
[9:38] Speaker 3: this is my dinner. And I was so proud of
[9:41] Speaker 3: her because she was willing to give it a go.
[9:44] Speaker 3: And she just said to me, she said, it's not
[9:45] Speaker 3: my favorite. She said, but I'm really, I'm willing to
[9:47] Speaker 3: give it a go.
[9:48] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[9:49] Speaker 1: So we do need to encourage them to try stuff,
[9:51] Speaker 1: but that's about as far as it goes. Other than that,
[9:53] Speaker 1: the Ellen Sutter model is, here's the food. You get
[9:56] Speaker 1: to decide how much you're going to eat. It's not
[9:57] Speaker 1: meant to be a power struggle. It's not meant to be, well,
[9:59] Speaker 1: that's it.
[10:00] Speaker 3: You're not having anything.
[10:01] Speaker 1: That makes it horrible. It's just, well, this is what
[10:03] Speaker 1: we're having tonight. You can try some or you don't
[10:05] Speaker 1: have to. It's up to you. I still think we
[10:07] Speaker 1: need to give them some kind of an alternative. Corn
[10:10] Speaker 1: chips and chocolate milk is not an alternative that is suitable.
[10:13] Speaker 1: There still has to be a reasonable alternative. Second thing
[10:15] Speaker 1: that we need to do, take the drama out of treats.
[10:18] Speaker 1: If you're going to a party, the expectation is there's
[10:19] Speaker 1: going to be sugar. The expectation will be that the
[10:21] Speaker 1: kids will eat it. Don't make a big deal about it.
[10:24] Speaker 1: We don't have to bang on and on. And the
[10:27] Speaker 1: last thing, and I think I really want to wrap
[10:30] Speaker 1: it up here, is that if you do want to
[10:32] Speaker 1: have a debrief, if you do want to have a
[10:33] Speaker 1: teaching moment, don't do it during it. Do it afterwards.
[10:36] Speaker 3: I was about to say, when your child comes home
[10:38] Speaker 3: and they're feeling sick or they've got a headache or
[10:41] Speaker 3: they're really, really crazy or they're angry.
[10:44] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[10:44] Speaker 3: Like that's, you know, maybe not in the moment of anger,
[10:47] Speaker 3: but let's kind of, once everything's chilled down, let's, let's debrief.
[10:51] Speaker 3: Let's look back at this.
[10:52] Speaker 2: Right.
[10:52] Speaker 3: When you're at the party.
[10:54] Speaker 1: It's that noticing. That's the skill.
[10:55] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[10:56] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[10:56] Speaker 3: It's, it's teaching them to recognize the signals their body
[11:00] Speaker 3: is giving them. Cause that's where the power is.
[11:02] Speaker 1: And when you tell the kids to stop, they never
[11:04] Speaker 1: have the opportunity to notice it because you're policing them. Uh,
[11:08] Speaker 1: It took me until I was in my 40s to
[11:09] Speaker 1: realize that every time I went past a KFC drive-thru
[11:12] Speaker 1: and smelled those 11 secret herbs and spices and turned in,
[11:15] Speaker 1: my brain was lying to me. You had Pavlov's dogs.
[11:19] Speaker 3: Pavlov, yeah, that's right. Yeah, response.
[11:22] Speaker 1: My body eventually said, Justin, listen to me, not your brain.
[11:25] Speaker 1: And I haven't had KFC for three years or more
[11:28] Speaker 1: because I started listening to my body. But our kids
[11:31] Speaker 1: will struggle with that. And also, let's remember, when you
[11:33] Speaker 1: were a kid, you could eat copious amounts of crappy food.
[11:38] Speaker 1: not feel sick at all right like you could really
[11:41] Speaker 1: go hard at it so for some reason children's systems
[11:45] Speaker 1: can just take it in a way that we can't
[11:48] Speaker 1: so i.
[11:48] Speaker 3: Don't think it's that they can take it i just
[11:50] Speaker 3: don't think that they've learned to read their body.
[11:53] Speaker 1: Yet maybe yeah you're probably right so the uh the
[11:56] Speaker 1: take-home message the the summary here the the wrap-up is
[12:00] Speaker 1: as follows and and hopefully this will be useful uh
[12:03] Speaker 1: i just think let the party be the party nobody's
[12:05] Speaker 1: health is going to be determined or changed forever because
[12:09] Speaker 1: of one afternoon in front of the lollipop with the
[12:12] Speaker 1: cake and the soft drinks and the hot dogs and
[12:16] Speaker 1: all the other sugary stuff.
[12:20] Speaker 3: I think parents these days are, for the most part,
[12:23] Speaker 3: more conscious of that. Yeah. They really are. Like the
[12:29] Speaker 3: parties that our girls have gone to, there has been
[12:32] Speaker 3: sugar on offer, but there has been plenty of other
[12:35] Speaker 3: options available. which never used to be the case. You
[12:37] Speaker 3: think back to the typical party foods, you've listed them all.
[12:41] Speaker 2: I know, I know.
[12:42] Speaker 3: But that's not generally what's on offer these days.
[12:45] Speaker 1: I think the biggest thing for me is that most
[12:47] Speaker 1: of us, we're working against how we were raised on
[12:52] Speaker 1: this one. We were raised with all of this policing
[12:55] Speaker 1: around food. And what I'm really trying to get to
[12:58] Speaker 1: is if we watch our language around food, recognize that
[13:00] Speaker 1: there's special occasions and And then trust them at the
[13:03] Speaker 1: table the rest of the time when it's not a
[13:05] Speaker 1: special occasion. The special occasions aren't going to be a
[13:07] Speaker 1: big deal. Just let them have fun. And then if
[13:09] Speaker 1: they do feel lousy, you get to have a conversation
[13:11] Speaker 1: about it. Say, well, my favorite line with our kids is,
[13:14] Speaker 1: sometimes our brain tells us lies. What lies do you
[13:16] Speaker 1: think your brain told you when you saw all that
[13:18] Speaker 1: sugar on the table? To me, that's the real learning
[13:22] Speaker 1: and the teaching that comes from it. And that's that
[13:24] Speaker 1: night or the next day, something like that. Anyway, we
[13:27] Speaker 1: really hope that that's been a useful answer to a
[13:29] Speaker 1: tricky question. The Happy Families podcast is produced... by Justin
[13:32] Speaker 1: Roulon from Bridge Medium. M. Hammonds provides our admin and
[13:35] Speaker 1: other support. Tricky questions, send them through podcasts at happyfamilies.com.au
[13:40] Speaker 1: or go to happyfamilies.com.au, scroll down to where the button is,
[13:43] Speaker 1: press record and start talking. Super simple system right there. Hey,
[13:47] Speaker 1: have a great day. And tomorrow we're back with more
[13:50] Speaker 1: on the Happy Families podcast.

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