# When Your Child Hates the School You Chose \[a Listener Q&A\]

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 14 Sep 2026, 14 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/6f6cfedf-44fa-4215-b4d4-b4bf0028784f/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

You’ve chosen the school you believe is best for your child. There’s just one problem. They absolutely refuse to go. When an 11-year-old is threatening to cut up his uniform and stay home rather than attend the high school his parents have chosen, pushing harder is unlikely to help. Justin and Kylie explain why force creates resistance, what might really be underneath a child’s refusal, and how to have the conversation that could change everything. KEY POINTS • Why trying to convince your child you’re right can make them dig in harder • The three needs driving your child’s response: connection, competence and autonomy • Why feeling heard needs to come before problem-solving • How to listen without adding your own interpretation • Why writing your child’s concerns down can take the heat out of the conversation • How to explain your reasons once your child knows you understand theirs • Using trial days and agreed expectations to move forward • Why the school that looks best on paper may not be the school where your child thrives QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Force creates resistance. The harder you push, the harder your kids push back.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Self-Determination Theory • Basic Psychological Need Theory • Autonomy-supportive parenting ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Stop trying to win the argument. Shift the goal from convincing your child to understanding them. • Ask what you’re missing. Give them space to explain every concern without correcting or defending. • Write it down. Take their concerns seriously enough to make notes, then repeat them back without adding your interpretation. • Wait for the “yes, you get it”. If they’re still correcting you, keep listening. • Explain your why. Once they feel understood, share the two or three reasons behind your preferred school. • Look for a workable next step. Consider an experience day, trial period or clear agreement about what giving the school a genuine chance will look like. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Families Podcast. Today, a listener question.
[0:09] Speaker 1: What do you do about choosing a school for your kids,
[0:11] Speaker 1: especially when you're moving into high school? Because they've got opinions.
[0:15] Speaker 1: They're big enough to care, and sometimes we find ourselves
[0:19] Speaker 1: in a bit of conflict. That's next, because this is
[0:22] Speaker 1: the time of year where all those conversations are happening.
[0:25] Speaker 1: Stay with us. Hello, welcome to the Happy Families Podcast,
[0:30] Speaker 1: where you get real parenting solutions every single day. We
[0:33] Speaker 1: are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Every Tuesday on the pod,
[0:37] Speaker 1: we answer your tricky questions. Anything that you want to know,
[0:40] Speaker 1: we'll answer it. Family, relationships, well-being, school, screens, discipline. If
[0:46] Speaker 1: you'd like to submit a tricky question, we've got a
[0:48] Speaker 1: super simple system at happyfamilies.com.au. Just scroll down to podcasts,
[0:51] Speaker 1: click the record button and start talking. Or you can
[0:55] Speaker 1: send us a voice note to podcasts at happyfamilies.com.au. Here's
[1:00] Speaker 1: the latest one coming to the mailbag.
[1:02] Speaker 2: Hi, my name's Amy, my 11-year-old son. He's going to
[1:06] Speaker 2: high school next year and we've selected a school which
[1:10] Speaker 2: we think will work best for him, but he isn't
[1:13] Speaker 2: happy at all. None of his friends are going and
[1:15] Speaker 2: he's absolutely 100% against it. He has dug his heels
[1:20] Speaker 2: in so deep. He tells me he won't go, that
[1:24] Speaker 2: he will cut up his uniform, that he will stay
[1:28] Speaker 2: home and I will not be able to make him
[1:30] Speaker 2: go to school. I am trying really hard not to
[1:33] Speaker 2: enter the argument because it's definitely not helping me. and
[1:36] Speaker 2: I'm just sticking with what we're doing, that I love
[1:38] Speaker 2: him and I won't do something that's against him. I'm
[1:41] Speaker 2: for him, but it's not working. Have you got any
[1:44] Speaker 2: ideas of how I can get him to open his
[1:46] Speaker 2: mind to this idea or how it might work out
[1:50] Speaker 2: that he comes around to this? At the moment, I'm
[1:53] Speaker 2: really worried that we're going to get to the point
[1:56] Speaker 2: where he literally is just staying at home.
[1:59] Speaker 1: I don't want to get in trouble with Amy for
[2:00] Speaker 1: saying this, but when you listen to what's really kind
[2:03] Speaker 1: of coming out, at least as I'm hearing it, Amy's
[2:06] Speaker 1: really saying, how do I convince him that I'm right
[2:07] Speaker 1: and he's wrong? And it's really hard with a 12-year-old boy.
[2:11] Speaker 2: To do that.
[2:11] Speaker 3: But that's how we feel most of the time, right?
[2:13] Speaker 3: Because we're the big person in the room.
[2:14] Speaker 2: Yes.
[2:14] Speaker 3: We've climbed so many more rungs on the ladder than
[2:17] Speaker 3: they have. We can see so much clearer. Yeah. At
[2:21] Speaker 3: least we think we can.
[2:22] Speaker 1: Totally, totally, totally. But we also can't see the detail
[2:24] Speaker 1: down low because we're up so high.
[2:25] Speaker 3: I was about to say that, and that's what I mean.
[2:27] Speaker 3: We think that we can see clearer. And all of
[2:29] Speaker 3: our reasoning comes from a place of absolute love and
[2:33] Speaker 3: a desire to give our children the very best of
[2:36] Speaker 3: what's on offer.
[2:37] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[2:37] Speaker 3: But like you said, the view from the top means
[2:39] Speaker 3: that sometimes we don't catch all the detail down low.
[2:43] Speaker 1: And sometimes we're absolutely right, but our kids just won't
[2:46] Speaker 1: hear it. I mean, Amy might be bang on. Maybe
[2:48] Speaker 1: the school that he wants to go to is horrendous.
[2:50] Speaker 1: So I want to share a couple of ideas before
[2:53] Speaker 1: we literally and specifically answer the question. The first is this.
[2:56] Speaker 1: Force creates resistance. The harder you push... the heart of
[2:59] Speaker 1: your kids push back so we've got to get out
[3:02] Speaker 1: of the power play and i like how amy's talking
[3:04] Speaker 1: about how she's expressing love saying i need you to
[3:07] Speaker 1: trust me let's work on this together this is this
[3:09] Speaker 1: is because we have your best intentions at heart winning
[3:13] Speaker 1: however everything that we talk about not everything a lot
[3:16] Speaker 1: of what we talk about on this podcast comes out
[3:17] Speaker 1: of this theory called self-determination theory and a subset of
[3:20] Speaker 1: that theory known as basic psychological need theory basically says
[3:24] Speaker 1: there are three needs psychological needs that we have and
[3:28] Speaker 1: when they're supported we feel good and we want to
[3:30] Speaker 1: go to places where they're supported when they're not supported
[3:33] Speaker 1: we feel bad we want to avoid those places when
[3:35] Speaker 1: they're frustrated right so the needs are relationship or relatedness
[3:39] Speaker 1: competence or capability and autonomy and what i'm hearing in
[3:45] Speaker 1: this question is that two of those three maybe all
[3:47] Speaker 1: three of them are being um flattened they're being thwarted
[3:51] Speaker 1: or frustrated in the eyes of amy's son so relationships
[3:56] Speaker 1: or relatedness I'm not going to be able to be
[3:58] Speaker 1: with my friends, so I don't want to go to
[3:59] Speaker 1: a school where I don't know anyone. But also my
[4:01] Speaker 1: relationship with my parents is disintegrating because of this forced resistance. Yeah,
[4:05] Speaker 1: because they're not.
[4:06] Speaker 3: Listening to me. They're not hearing what I'm saying.
[4:09] Speaker 1: So not only is school looking horrible next year, but
[4:10] Speaker 1: home is feeling horrible now. Autonomy, I don't have a choice.
[4:14] Speaker 1: I don't have a voice. I don't have any say.
[4:15] Speaker 1: There's no volition in what I'm doing here. I'm being forced,
[4:18] Speaker 1: so therefore I'm not going to do it. I'm going
[4:20] Speaker 1: to rip up my uniform. I'm going to stay home.
[4:21] Speaker 1: I'm going to wag school. But also competence. There's a
[4:25] Speaker 1: little 11 or 12-year-old boy who's kind of going, I
[4:27] Speaker 1: can make my own mind up here. I can make
[4:28] Speaker 1: my own decisions. I'm a big boy.
[4:29] Speaker 3: But I think it's more than that. There's a level
[4:31] Speaker 3: of wrestle with the competency because going into a new environment,
[4:35] Speaker 3: it feels hard, right? So our competency is threatened by
[4:41] Speaker 3: the fact that all of these other factors are playing
[4:44] Speaker 3: into it and it makes it really hard to show
[4:46] Speaker 3: up as your best version of yourself. if you feel
[4:49] Speaker 3: like you don't have any friends and this wasn't your decision.
[4:52] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[4:52] Speaker 1: So, so to Amy's question, well, how do I choose
[4:55] Speaker 1: a school and how do we, well, Amy isn't asking
[4:57] Speaker 1: how to choose a school. Amy's saying, what do I do?
[4:59] Speaker 3: We've chosen a school.
[5:00] Speaker 1: What do I do to convince him that we've made
[5:01] Speaker 1: the right choice?
[5:02] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[5:02] Speaker 1: So after the break, Let's spend some time talking about
[5:06] Speaker 1: those conversations because if we can get that right, then
[5:09] Speaker 1: all of a sudden the need frustration that we've described
[5:13] Speaker 1: can start to shift in the direction of need support.
[5:16] Speaker 1: And with need support, you have a son who no
[5:19] Speaker 1: longer feels lousy, well-being goes up, and so too does
[5:22] Speaker 1: an orientation towards saying, all right, I'll give it a go.
[5:26] Speaker 1: I'm open to the possibility that this could work out well.
[5:28] Speaker 1: Stay with us. It's next.
[5:38] Speaker 3: So I think it's really important from the outset that
[5:40] Speaker 3: we let Amy know that she might be hands down
[5:45] Speaker 3: right and her son's best option might be this school.
[5:49] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[5:50] Speaker 3: But the conversation we have determines whether our son is
[5:55] Speaker 3: open to that.
[5:57] Speaker 1: Right.
[5:58] Speaker 3: That's the most important thing. It's the conversation that takes place.
[6:01] Speaker 1: Well, it's more than just the conversation because he's already decided,
[6:04] Speaker 1: conversation or not, I'm not going to be with my friends.
[6:06] Speaker 1: I'm not going to go where I want to go.
[6:07] Speaker 1: So this can't work. There is no possibility that this
[6:11] Speaker 1: will be good. And he will self-sabotage.
[6:14] Speaker 3: Yeah, because he doesn't feel like he's been heard.
[6:15] Speaker 1: Right.
[6:16] Speaker 2: Right.
[6:16] Speaker 1: And that's the key thing.
[6:17] Speaker 3: And that's where the change happens. Once our kids recognize
[6:22] Speaker 3: that you're actually on the same team.
[6:24] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[6:24] Speaker 3: Sometimes as the adult, you still have to make the
[6:27] Speaker 3: hard choice and you still have to go with your
[6:30] Speaker 3: gut feeling.
[6:30] Speaker 1: Yeah, the thing that they don't want.
[6:32] Speaker 3: But until they feel completely heard and understood, it's one
[6:37] Speaker 3: thing to hear it, but you actually have to sit
[6:39] Speaker 3: in their shoes and understand what it is that they're
[6:43] Speaker 3: feeling and what they're experiencing. You don't get anywhere. You
[6:47] Speaker 3: just get resistance.
[6:48] Speaker 1: So there's three things that the research literature points to.
[6:51] Speaker 1: And you don't have to be a psychologist to do
[6:53] Speaker 1: any of this. You don't need a PhD in psychiatry
[6:56] Speaker 1: or any crazy stuff. You simply need to be able
[6:58] Speaker 1: to do the following. Number one, explore where he's coming from.
[7:02] Speaker 1: Explore his perspective. So what we're talking here about is
[7:05] Speaker 1: empathy and perspective taking, the ability to feel what he's
[7:07] Speaker 1: feeling and see the world through his eyes. We call
[7:10] Speaker 1: these autonomy supportive behaviors. I know, kiddo, that we've been
[7:14] Speaker 1: through this a few times, but mostly it's just been
[7:16] Speaker 1: me doing the talking and you getting mad.
[7:18] Speaker 3: Or I've heard you, but Clearly I'm missing something because this.
[7:22] Speaker 1: Is really important to you. What am I missing?
[7:24] Speaker 3: What do I still not know?
[7:25] Speaker 1: Yep, yep. So a proper exploration. I recommend doing it
[7:29] Speaker 1: with food, like a milkshake or sour cream and wedges
[7:32] Speaker 1: and sweet chili sauce, that kind of thing.
[7:34] Speaker 2: Why?
[7:35] Speaker 1: Well, it just puts everyone at ease when they're putting
[7:38] Speaker 1: stuff in their bellies at the same time that they're
[7:39] Speaker 1: having a conversation. I also recommend jotting some stuff down,
[7:41] Speaker 1: like have a pen and paper and say, I want
[7:43] Speaker 1: to make notes on this so that I can make
[7:46] Speaker 1: sure that I properly understand you. And when you've listened
[7:49] Speaker 1: and made notes to the point where you can say
[7:51] Speaker 1: to your child, and you don't need to do this
[7:53] Speaker 1: with every conflict, but big stuff like this, this really matters.
[7:57] Speaker 1: And when you show your child that you're taking him seriously,
[8:02] Speaker 1: that's when he's much more likely to engage with you
[8:05] Speaker 1: in the conversation oh my parents are genuinely listening here
[8:08] Speaker 1: i'm going to give them everything they're writing this down
[8:10] Speaker 1: this is amazing.
[8:11] Speaker 3: But not only that once you have it on paper
[8:13] Speaker 3: it's almost like you're able to have a bird's eye
[8:15] Speaker 3: view of what's going on as the child and the
[8:18] Speaker 3: parent shifts the perspective it takes yeah and in some
[8:22] Speaker 3: ways it kind of takes the emotion out of it
[8:24] Speaker 3: because it's now like on.
[8:26] Speaker 1: Paper you do this with all of your big plans
[8:28] Speaker 1: you do this with all like whatever it is and
[8:30] Speaker 1: this is a useful thing to do in this conversation
[8:32] Speaker 1: so make sure that you're across it. At that point,
[8:36] Speaker 1: you know you've got it right when you can say, okay,
[8:38] Speaker 1: so what you're saying is, and then you tell them
[8:41] Speaker 1: what it is that they've said. When they look at
[8:44] Speaker 1: you and say, yes, that's right, or 100%, or.
[8:49] Speaker 3: Thank you.
[8:49] Speaker 2: Yes.
[8:50] Speaker 3: You get it.
[8:51] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[8:51] Speaker 1: If they're adding anything, if they're shaking their head, if
[8:53] Speaker 1: they're saying, no, you still don't get it, then you
[8:55] Speaker 1: need to start again.
[8:56] Speaker 2: Okay.
[8:57] Speaker 1: What am I missing? Let's go over this one more time.
[8:59] Speaker 1: Here's some more food.
[9:00] Speaker 3: Well, sometimes I think that as parents, we are listening
[9:03] Speaker 3: and we do get it, but we put our spin
[9:05] Speaker 3: on what they're saying. We actually need to take our
[9:08] Speaker 3: spin out of the equation. Don't add anything to it.
[9:11] Speaker 3: He says this and you repeat that.
[9:14] Speaker 2: Right.
[9:14] Speaker 1: An example would be, um, I didn't enjoy camping when
[9:17] Speaker 1: we went away. And you're like, what? So you're saying
[9:19] Speaker 1: you never want to camp again?
[9:20] Speaker 2: Yeah. No, no, no.
[9:21] Speaker 1: I've just said I didn't enjoy camping. It's that simple.
[9:24] Speaker 3: We had this very experience when we made our first
[9:28] Speaker 3: big shift from primary school to high school. Our daughter
[9:31] Speaker 3: went to the high school we thought was the best
[9:33] Speaker 3: for her. But after a couple of months, we noticed
[9:37] Speaker 3: a real shift in her and we were really worried.
[9:40] Speaker 3: She was adamant she was staying at that school. And
[9:44] Speaker 3: we'd spoken with some other family friends. They had their
[9:46] Speaker 3: child going to a Christian college and we were like,
[9:49] Speaker 3: this might be a good move, but our daughter did
[9:52] Speaker 3: not want to have anything to do with it. And
[9:54] Speaker 3: so one day I just said to her, why don't
[9:56] Speaker 3: you just have a chat with your friend about her school? Like,
[10:00] Speaker 3: she loves it. And she's like, okay, I'll have a
[10:02] Speaker 3: chat to her if I can have a sleepover. And
[10:05] Speaker 3: she started, you know, kind of negotiating how this was
[10:07] Speaker 3: going to work. And I said, okay, if you'll talk
[10:12] Speaker 3: to her about the school, whatever it takes.
[10:15] Speaker 1: And then they had a chat and she said, you know,
[10:17] Speaker 1: it sounds right. And I said, well, what if we
[10:19] Speaker 1: organize an experience day there? I wonder if they do that.
[10:21] Speaker 1: So we contacted the school. They said, yeah, absolutely. She
[10:23] Speaker 1: can come along and spend a day here. And at
[10:25] Speaker 1: the end of that day.
[10:25] Speaker 3: Well, it wasn't even at the end. By lunchtime, she
[10:28] Speaker 3: was sending me a message going, I found my people.
[10:30] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[10:31] Speaker 3: I feel awesome here.
[10:32] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[10:32] Speaker 3: And she went to that school. But because she went
[10:35] Speaker 3: to that school and it was so beautiful for her,
[10:38] Speaker 3: as our other children started coming up the ranks, it
[10:39] Speaker 3: was like, well, we've got to give them the same
[10:41] Speaker 3: experience because this is beautiful. But our second daughter who
[10:44] Speaker 3: came through, she had an awful experience.
[10:47] Speaker 1: She just didn't love that school.
[10:48] Speaker 3: And we couldn't work it out because everyone else was
[10:50] Speaker 3: thriving except for this child. And we had said to her,
[10:53] Speaker 3: just give it a year. And if after the first year,
[10:56] Speaker 3: it's still not working out, we'll look at a different option.
[11:00] Speaker 3: The bottom line was all of her friends had gone
[11:02] Speaker 3: to the public school. She wanted to be with her friends.
[11:05] Speaker 3: We'd heard horrendous things about the public school. We didn't
[11:07] Speaker 3: want her to be there. But after a few months, again,
[11:11] Speaker 3: noticing her slowly dying, We kind of looked at it
[11:13] Speaker 3: and just went, we can't keep doing this to you.
[11:16] Speaker 3: We sent her to the public school. And in spite
[11:18] Speaker 3: of the fact that all of the things that we
[11:20] Speaker 3: had heard were true, and it was, for all intents
[11:23] Speaker 3: and purposes, an awful environment.
[11:25] Speaker 1: It wasn't a great spot.
[11:26] Speaker 3: She thrived.
[11:28] Speaker 1: She loved it.
[11:28] Speaker 3: Because she was with her friends. She did well academically.
[11:31] Speaker 3: She did well socially.
[11:32] Speaker 1: And it was a big school, which means that even
[11:34] Speaker 1: though the school had a pretty rugged reputation, she had
[11:37] Speaker 1: some good friends. And so her experience was positive. She
[11:39] Speaker 1: was able to avoid the more challenging parts. Let's go
[11:43] Speaker 1: back to this because some of that's really useful for Amy,
[11:45] Speaker 1: some of it less so. Hopefully useful though for everyone
[11:48] Speaker 1: who's listening. We want to make sure that we've explored perspective.
[11:51] Speaker 1: The next thing in the conversation is we've got to
[11:52] Speaker 1: make sure that our child actually understands our rationale. Because
[11:56] Speaker 1: until they understand the why, they can't buy it. So
[11:59] Speaker 1: I think it's worth saying, okay, so you've told me
[12:02] Speaker 1: all this sort of stuff and you've told me that
[12:03] Speaker 1: I'm understanding you perfectly clearly. I've restated it and you've
[12:06] Speaker 1: agreed that I'm understanding you now.
[12:08] Speaker 2: Yep.
[12:08] Speaker 1: Okay, cool. This makes this a little bit trickier for
[12:12] Speaker 1: me because now I can see your point of view.
[12:13] Speaker 1: It definitely makes sense to me. But may I explain
[12:16] Speaker 1: to you the two or three reasons that we think
[12:19] Speaker 1: that this choice is going to be more beneficial for you?
[12:22] Speaker 1: And hopefully your child will say, yes, they normally do.
[12:25] Speaker 3: Why?
[12:25] Speaker 1: Because you've listened so well to them. And once you
[12:28] Speaker 1: explain that, that's when you say, okay, are you open
[12:31] Speaker 1: to the possibility of giving this a go? How do
[12:34] Speaker 1: we move forward from here? And your problem solved. And
[12:37] Speaker 1: it might be, let's give it a trial. But you're
[12:39] Speaker 1: not allowed to sabotage it. You actually have to get
[12:41] Speaker 1: in there and give it a proper crack. The process
[12:45] Speaker 1: really matters. And Amy, the evidence suggests that you will
[12:48] Speaker 1: generally get better results trying it this way. Having said that,
[12:53] Speaker 1: people are complicated. Kids are hard work.
[12:55] Speaker 3: But I also think it's fair to suggest that if
[12:57] Speaker 3: her son's viewpoint would suggest that this actually may not
[13:02] Speaker 3: be the best option for him, that just as easily
[13:06] Speaker 3: we could say, all right, well, we're willing to meet you.
[13:08] Speaker 3: where you're at right now. But this is the contingency,
[13:12] Speaker 3: just the same way.
[13:12] Speaker 1: Here are the expectations.
[13:13] Speaker 2: That's right.
[13:14] Speaker 1: You want to go to that school?
[13:14] Speaker 3: You're going to go to this school. This is what
[13:16] Speaker 3: we expect. And if you can't meet those requirements, then
[13:21] Speaker 3: we're going to go back to the drawing board.
[13:23] Speaker 1: Amy, we really hope that that answers your tricky question helpfully.
[13:25] Speaker 1: Thanks so much for sending it through. If you've got
[13:27] Speaker 1: a question for us, Voice notes, podcasts at happyfamilies.com.au or
[13:31] Speaker 1: just go to happyfamilies.com.au, click the record button and start talking.
[13:35] Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast produced by Justin Roulon from Bridge Media.
[13:38] Speaker 1: Mim Hammonds provides additional support. More info about making your
[13:42] Speaker 1: family happier, happyfamilies.com.au.

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