# When Grandparents Don't Get It \[a listener Q&A\]

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 22 Jun 2026, 15 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/d6bdc3ee-6d99-4359-9fe5-b46b00c6ee4e/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

What happens when someone your child should be able to trust leaves them feeling judged, misunderstood, and unloved? In this heartfelt Q&A, we respond to a mother whose autistic and ADHD daughter was deeply hurt by a visit from her grandmother. Despite years of progress, one family visit triggered emotional setbacks, self-doubt, and the painful belief that "Nan doesn't love me because of who I am." We explore how parents can help children recover from criticism, reframe damaging messages, rebuild confidence, and move forward when family members simply don't understand neurodivergence. If you've ever struggled with relatives who undermine your parenting or your child's wellbeing, this conversation will give you practical guidance and hope. KEY POINTS • Why criticism makes children feel unloved • The hidden damage caused by judgmental family members • How to help children reframe hurtful experiences • The question that protects kids from unfair criticism • Why empathy is the first step toward healing • How progress and competence rebuild confidence • Supporting neurodivergent children when others don't understand QUOTE OF THE EPISODE "Kids don't get better when you make them feel worse." RESOURCES MENTIONED • Occupational Therapy (OT) • Speech Therapy • Submit a question for the podcast! • Happy Families website ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Validate your child's feelings before trying to solve the problem. • Help them separate another person's misunderstanding from their own self-worth. • Ask: "Would you seek advice from this person? If not, why listen to their criticism?" • Reframe the story from "They don't love me" to "They don't understand me." • Focus on progress by celebrating growth, strengths, and achievements. • Set meaningful goals that build confidence and competence over time. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, this is The Happy Family's podcast. Sometimes relatives do
[0:09] Speaker 1: and say things that are frankly awful and that can
[0:13] Speaker 1: really really impact our children. They can be judgmental, they
[0:16] Speaker 1: can be critical, they can be lacking in compassionate perspective
[0:19] Speaker 1: and just leave our kids feeling lousy because our kids
[0:22] Speaker 1: are imperfect. They've got their old plates on and every
[0:24] Speaker 1: now and again, people who aren't their parents, like elderly
[0:27] Speaker 1: grandparents for example, can just be so unkind. Today, it's
[0:32] Speaker 1: a tricky question about navigating those challenging family relationships where
[0:36] Speaker 1: the kids are doing their best, but they're not quite
[0:40] Speaker 1: doing well enough to keep the grandparents happy. What do
[0:44] Speaker 1: you do if you've got a neurodivergent child who doesn't
[0:47] Speaker 1: seem to be able to give up to the expectations
[0:49] Speaker 1: of grandparents who don't believe in autism or ADHD. We
[0:54] Speaker 1: answer that tricky question next on today's podcast. Hello and
[1:00] Speaker 1: welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real
[1:02] Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's most download
[1:06] Speaker 1: of parenting podcast where Justin and Kylie Colson and every
[1:08] Speaker 1: Tuesday on the podcast we answer your tricky questions about
[1:12] Speaker 1: any family matters any well being matter, pretty much whatever
[1:14] Speaker 1: you want. We're an open book, ask us anything. If
[1:17] Speaker 1: you'd like to submit a tricky question, go to our website.
[1:20] Speaker 1: There's a super simple system at happy families dot com
[1:22] Speaker 1: dot a U, or you just press the record button
[1:24] Speaker 1: and start talking. Or you can send us a voice
[1:26] Speaker 1: memo of podcasts at happy families dot com dot AU.
[1:30] Speaker 1: Here is today's tricky question.
[1:32] Speaker 2: My name is Michelle. Thank you for providing a great podcast.
[1:37] Speaker 2: My husband and I have four daughters. Three of the
[1:40] Speaker 2: four adults, and the last is a fourteen year old.
[1:43] Speaker 2: Our fourteen year old has ADHD and autism Level two.
[1:48] Speaker 2: My mother lives overseas and she came over for visit
[1:51] Speaker 2: last year June, and sad to say, but we are
[1:54] Speaker 2: still burdened by that visit. My mother knew before coming
[1:57] Speaker 2: that my daughter had ADHD and autism. Our fourteen year
[2:01] Speaker 2: old hadn't seen my mother in ten years, and what
[2:04] Speaker 2: was supposed to be a loving reunion ended in an
[2:07] Speaker 2: overwhelming emotional dysregulation. Basically, my mother just judged my daughter
[2:13] Speaker 2: on every aspect of her being. She labeled my daughter
[2:17] Speaker 2: spoiled bratt who just needed a good smack. She interpreted
[2:21] Speaker 2: my daughter's inability at times to socialize, especially in a
[2:26] Speaker 2: large group, as rude. She interpreted her inability to show
[2:31] Speaker 2: affection as cold. She attacked our parenting style as weak
[2:36] Speaker 2: and giving. In she caused a major setback in the
[2:39] Speaker 2: progress we had made with my daughter through OT and
[2:42] Speaker 2: speech therapy. My mother refused to believe that autism was real.
[2:48] Speaker 2: When I tried to explain very patiently, I might add
[2:51] Speaker 2: that neuro divergin children's minds work differently from neurotypical and
[2:57] Speaker 2: that we should support and help them negotiate life skin
[3:00] Speaker 2: zestfully with a diagnosis, She replied, how do we fix it?
[3:05] Speaker 2: My question is how do I move forward parenting my
[3:08] Speaker 2: daughter and helping her overcome the nan doesn't love me stigma.
[3:12] Speaker 2: But because I have autism, I'd love to hear your feedback,
[3:16] Speaker 2: and I appreciate you listening.
[3:18] Speaker 3: Thank you, Oh Michelle, Oh my heartbreaks. We've been there.
[3:23] Speaker 3: We've been there in different ways and for different reasons
[3:26] Speaker 3: over the years, with family members who think they are
[3:30] Speaker 3: trying to either teach us how to be better or
[3:35] Speaker 3: help us see things with more clarity, and yet it
[3:39] Speaker 3: just leaves you reeling and feeling completely and utterly unsupported.
[3:44] Speaker 1: If there was one message that I could convey to
[3:46] Speaker 1: every grandparent, artie, uncle, step parent, whoever, it would be
[3:51] Speaker 1: kids don't get better when you make them feel worse.
[3:56] Speaker 3: No one gets better, whether it's kids or not, no
[3:59] Speaker 3: one gets better.
[4:00] Speaker 1: That's my point.
[4:01] Speaker 3: And we've talked about this a handful of times over
[4:03] Speaker 3: the last few weeks on the podcast, and I just
[4:06] Speaker 3: I go back to what's the end goal. Do I
[4:08] Speaker 3: want to be a people builder or do I want
[4:10] Speaker 3: to tear people down? Like everybody who is a parent,
[4:15] Speaker 3: I don't think there is a single person who's a
[4:17] Speaker 3: parent that would not at some point acknowledge that this
[4:20] Speaker 3: is such a hard gig. This is like the hardest
[4:23] Speaker 3: thing you'll probably ever do in life.
[4:25] Speaker 1: So I don't have data on this, but I reckon
[4:27] Speaker 1: there's something generational here.
[4:29] Speaker 3: It reminds me of that quote the past is a
[4:32] Speaker 3: foreign country. They do things differently there.
[4:35] Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the opening line to LP Hartley's novel The
[4:38] Speaker 1: go Between. I think it's like early nineteen fifties, and.
[4:41] Speaker 3: I can't tell you how many times I have gone
[4:43] Speaker 3: back to that when I have found myself in a
[4:45] Speaker 3: position where somebody of a different generation has said something that.
[4:48] Speaker 1: Just feels so cutting princess, and.
[4:52] Speaker 3: I do so I'm because this is not my mum.
[4:54] Speaker 3: I'm able to kind of, I guess, offer a little
[4:56] Speaker 3: bit of compassion maybe towards the grandmother, because I can
[5:04] Speaker 3: only imagine with a mindset like that that she was
[5:08] Speaker 3: raised with that suck it up, princess, She'll be right
[5:11] Speaker 3: tough nut kind of parenting style, and that would have
[5:14] Speaker 3: probably almost certainly been the way she raised her own children.
[5:18] Speaker 1: I've got a lot of compassion for Michelle, though, because
[5:19] Speaker 1: she's sitting there and saying, I'm trying to teach you this, though, mum.
[5:24] Speaker 1: Like one of my favorite quotes comes from Epictetus. I'm
[5:26] Speaker 1: probably going to get a little bit wrong, but Epictetus,
[5:29] Speaker 1: the Stoic philosopher, said something along the lines of it
[5:31] Speaker 1: is impossible to teach a man or it's impossible to
[5:34] Speaker 1: teach someone what they think they already know. And that's
[5:38] Speaker 1: not a generational thing. But in this case, when it
[5:41] Speaker 1: comes to issues around university, it often seems to rear
[5:45] Speaker 1: its ugly head. People think that thing doesn't exist. I've
[5:48] Speaker 1: got no time for it, I've got no patience for it.
[5:50] Speaker 1: I've got no perspective on it, and therefore we're not
[5:53] Speaker 1: going to be able to progress this. The kid just
[5:55] Speaker 1: needs to sit down, tighten up, get some discipline, slip
[6:00] Speaker 1: around the year old kind of thing.
[6:01] Speaker 3: But that's why corporal punishment was such a huge part
[6:04] Speaker 3: of that generation, because there was no ability to recognize
[6:10] Speaker 3: kids that were actually struggling and needed extra support instead
[6:13] Speaker 3: of punishment.
[6:14] Speaker 1: So here's what I'm hearing in Michelle's question. She's saying,
[6:18] Speaker 1: my daughter feels like Nan doesn't love me, and there's
[6:21] Speaker 1: stigma associated with what I'm carrying. My initial response just
[6:25] Speaker 1: to the Nan is people often talk about how the
[6:28] Speaker 1: opposite of love is hate. I guess it could be,
[6:30] Speaker 1: but in all the pairing work that I've done over
[6:32] Speaker 1: the years, my sense is that the opposite of love
[6:34] Speaker 1: is judgment. When a child feels judged, when a child
[6:38] Speaker 1: feels like the people around them are being critical, they
[6:40] Speaker 1: don't feel loved. No child ever said, oh, my goodness,
[6:43] Speaker 1: thanks so much for the constructive criticism, because criticism is
[6:46] Speaker 1: not constructive in a child's life. It damages the relationship,
[6:50] Speaker 1: it damages self esteem. Yeah, it really is, And the irony,
[6:54] Speaker 1: the irony is the more loved the child feels the
[6:56] Speaker 1: more liking it is that they will be open to
[6:57] Speaker 1: our influence and they're foll more open to change. So
[7:00] Speaker 1: we need to answer the question. After the break. I
[7:03] Speaker 1: have three things that I think are going to help
[7:06] Speaker 1: Michelle and her daughter to move forward from what seems
[7:09] Speaker 1: to have been the great undoing thanks to NaN's visits.
[7:13] Speaker 1: Stay wards. This is the Happy Family's podcast, where back
[7:24] Speaker 1: three things Kylie that I think can help Michelle and
[7:28] Speaker 1: her daughter to move forward because things have been pretty rocky.
[7:31] Speaker 1: And one of them is something that you say on
[7:32] Speaker 1: the podcast quite often, and it's starting to become an
[7:34] Speaker 1: internal part of my dialogue. You often say, would I
[7:38] Speaker 1: seek this person's advice? And if I wouldn't, why would
[7:43] Speaker 1: I listen to their criticism? There's a biological desire to
[7:46] Speaker 1: be influenced by parents and grandparents. That's a biological imperative.
[7:50] Speaker 1: And clearly Michelle's daughter wishes she could go to her
[7:53] Speaker 1: Nan for advice, but she probably wouldn't go to her
[7:55] Speaker 1: advice based on everything that's going on. Therefore, why would
[7:58] Speaker 1: she listen to her criticism? My first thing is that
[8:00] Speaker 1: that could actually be a useful conversation for Michelle to
[8:04] Speaker 1: have with her daughter.
[8:04] Speaker 3: There's so much nuanced to this because we have no
[8:06] Speaker 3: idea the relationship that's existed. But there's an acknowledgment that
[8:09] Speaker 3: for ten years there has been no physical contact.
[8:12] Speaker 1: Yeah, minimal relationship, so hard to have a relationship of trust.
[8:15] Speaker 3: And that was I was about to say, just when
[8:18] Speaker 3: you look at the fact that we have a child
[8:22] Speaker 3: who has got some really difficult challenges that she's working with,
[8:27] Speaker 3: Grandma hasn't actually been in the story, by the sounds
[8:31] Speaker 3: of things, and therefore does not have a relationship with her,
[8:36] Speaker 3: because if she did, she would have been able to
[8:39] Speaker 3: kind of work through those challenges a lot better. I
[8:41] Speaker 3: believe there's their own relationship. So what's the end goal.
[8:46] Speaker 3: Do we want a relationship with Grandma or do we
[8:48] Speaker 3: just acknowledge and recognize that it is what it is?
[8:52] Speaker 1: Yeah, And my inclination, based on the distance and based
[8:54] Speaker 1: on the way there's been minimal contact for that ten years,
[8:56] Speaker 1: is that you probably go with part B rather than
[8:58] Speaker 1: part ages there or column B run column A.
[9:01] Speaker 3: Yeah, what's number two?
[9:02] Speaker 1: So the second thing I probably should have said this first.
[9:04] Speaker 1: Actually I'd be sitting down with my daughter and just
[9:08] Speaker 1: starting with a whole lot of empathy. I noted that
[9:11] Speaker 1: can sometimes sound like it's very, very soft and kind
[9:14] Speaker 1: of even unproductive. But NaN's impact here has the potential
[9:19] Speaker 1: to cast a long shadow through the lage.
[9:22] Speaker 3: Is so interesting when you think about again going back
[9:25] Speaker 3: to the fact that there's very limited relationship, how is
[9:29] Speaker 3: it that we place so much value on one person's
[9:35] Speaker 3: opinion or viewpoint when they have such a little impact
[9:39] Speaker 3: in our lives.
[9:40] Speaker 1: Bingo, yeah, yeah, and so therefore a whole lot of
[9:42] Speaker 1: empathy and just deconstructing that. There's that recognition. I know
[9:46] Speaker 1: you love your grandma, I know that you wish that
[9:49] Speaker 1: it was different. Wouldn't it be great if And so
[9:52] Speaker 1: you're saying, here's this ideal situation, I'll give it to
[9:55] Speaker 1: you in fantasy because you can't have in reality. So
[9:57] Speaker 1: let's now step back into reality and talk about where
[10:00] Speaker 1: from here.
[10:01] Speaker 3: Just before you go on to number three, as you
[10:03] Speaker 3: were talking, I just think that the next step to
[10:06] Speaker 3: this is that we actually can empower our child, and
[10:11] Speaker 3: in this case, Michelle's daughter, if we're able to help
[10:15] Speaker 3: her reframe her thinking. So she's had this really awful
[10:18] Speaker 3: experience with her grandma and her instant go to is
[10:24] Speaker 3: my nan doesn't love me because I'm neurodivergent, Like that's
[10:27] Speaker 3: her that's her framework, and that may be true. But
[10:32] Speaker 3: is there another way that we could look at this
[10:34] Speaker 3: that could equally be true and less damaging. I think
[10:38] Speaker 3: there's so much power and recognizing our brain will tell
[10:41] Speaker 3: us whatever it tells us right and are not? Yeah,
[10:45] Speaker 3: it's all lies, So why not choose something that feels better?
[10:49] Speaker 3: So is it my nan doesn't understand me, she doesn't
[10:54] Speaker 3: get me? Is so much better than my nan doesn't
[10:57] Speaker 3: love me because I am right?
[10:58] Speaker 1: Yes, it's shift.
[11:00] Speaker 3: Have a relationship with my nan and therefore she doesn't
[11:02] Speaker 3: understand who I am.
[11:03] Speaker 1: Yeah, it she doesn't get me, shifting it back on
[11:05] Speaker 1: to her and saying I'm not a victim here. My
[11:08] Speaker 1: Nan has a perspective issue and that's her problem that
[11:10] Speaker 1: she's going to have to figure out, rather than I
[11:12] Speaker 1: have a behavior as sure, I have a whatever it is.
[11:15] Speaker 3: It my fault. It's not your fault at all.
[11:17] Speaker 1: Yep, for sure love it.
[11:18] Speaker 3: So what's number three?
[11:19] Speaker 1: Well, the third thing that I was going to say,
[11:21] Speaker 1: I really like that you said that is that I'd
[11:23] Speaker 1: be looking to build competence. So Nan has said, how
[11:25] Speaker 1: do we fix her? And I need to sort of
[11:29] Speaker 1: go sideways here for a second. The neuro affirmation model,
[11:33] Speaker 1: the affirmation model that exists in psychology societies around much
[11:38] Speaker 1: of the Western world now is that we give somebody
[11:42] Speaker 1: a label, in this case autism level two or ADHD
[11:44] Speaker 1: or both, and then we say, and you will find
[11:47] Speaker 1: the way that you are and we affirm them. Now
[11:49] Speaker 1: to some level, that's perfectly wonderful and fabulous and important,
[11:54] Speaker 1: But unfortunately, I've spoken with some clinicians, some counselors, I've
[11:58] Speaker 1: spoken with some parents who therefore or chafe at the
[12:00] Speaker 1: idea that we would work on improving that person. In
[12:03] Speaker 1: other words, the affirmation model has been taken to an extreme,
[12:07] Speaker 1: such that you are who you are, here is your label,
[12:10] Speaker 1: here is how you are, and we are going to
[12:13] Speaker 1: be satisfied with you as you are. You would never
[12:17] Speaker 1: do that to a neurotypical child. You'd never do that
[12:19] Speaker 1: to anybody in any circumstance. And I feel like it's
[12:22] Speaker 1: patently unfair.
[12:23] Speaker 3: So the truth of the matter is you are perfectly
[12:26] Speaker 3: you just because you exist. You're worthy of being loved,
[12:30] Speaker 3: You're worthy of being accepted and having the best possible
[12:35] Speaker 3: life afforded to you.
[12:36] Speaker 1: Yes, but then the question is what does the best
[12:38] Speaker 1: possible look like for you? That's right, the best possible
[12:40] Speaker 1: life look like for you, and I would be setting
[12:43] Speaker 1: goals with my daughter.
[12:44] Speaker 3: And everything we know about mental health.
[12:48] Speaker 1: Is progress, progress, purpose, competence, development.
[12:52] Speaker 3: It makes all the difference right, right, And so regardless regardless.
[12:57] Speaker 1: Of yeah, there'll be some people who chase what I've said,
[13:01] Speaker 1: I want to highlight on talking about people who take
[13:02] Speaker 1: that affirmation model to an extreme. I don't think that's
[13:05] Speaker 1: what the model was designed for, although I do have
[13:08] Speaker 1: some challenges with the model, but that is an extreme
[13:10] Speaker 1: that it does get taken to, and I've heard it
[13:11] Speaker 1: too many times to not mention it. And so what
[13:13] Speaker 1: I'd be saying to Michelle is set goals. Help your
[13:16] Speaker 1: daughter to develop confidence, help her to chase dreams in
[13:19] Speaker 1: the directions that are important to her, but also in
[13:20] Speaker 1: directions that we know are going to be valuable for
[13:22] Speaker 1: her to be able to do well in community, in society.
[13:26] Speaker 1: That will be helpful as well.
[13:27] Speaker 3: I think what would be really helpful with Michelle. It
[13:29] Speaker 3: sounds like there's been a pretty big regression as a
[13:32] Speaker 3: result of this visit is actually revisiting all of the
[13:37] Speaker 3: progress that has been Yes, yes, paint the picture. I
[13:40] Speaker 3: know that this is hard, but look at where you
[13:42] Speaker 3: were twelve months ago, and look at what we've achieved
[13:46] Speaker 3: together in the last twelve months. We're here, we're rooting
[13:49] Speaker 3: for you. We're so excited to see you, you know,
[13:52] Speaker 3: kind of grow.
[13:53] Speaker 1: Progress is so motivating, and that will be the best
[13:56] Speaker 1: way to help your daughter to start to feel confident
[13:59] Speaker 1: and capable and confident again is to start to make
[14:02] Speaker 1: some progress in areas that are important to her and
[14:04] Speaker 1: that she can feel good about. So hopefully that answers
[14:07] Speaker 1: your question, Michelle, and it's useful for you. If you
[14:10] Speaker 1: have a tricky question that you'd like to hit us
[14:12] Speaker 1: up with, let us know via the super simple system
[14:14] Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot A you or send
[14:16] Speaker 1: us a voice note to podcasts at happy families dot
[14:18] Speaker 1: com dot AU. We appreciate the sound engineering audio production
[14:23] Speaker 1: that's been done by JR. Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
[14:26] Speaker 1: Mimhammits provides our additional support and if you'd like more
[14:29] Speaker 1: info for a happier family, you'll find it at happy
[14:32] Speaker 1: families dot com dot au

Shows are listed from Apple Podcasts' charts and directory, and Podcast Index where it is used. Every show and episode belongs to its publisher and plays from the publisher's own feed; this site hosts none of them.