# Stop Letting Your Ego Ruin Your Parenting \[with Dr Shefali Tsabary\]

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 24 Feb 2026, 26 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/acb49425-144d-4ea9-bf3d-b3f301792698/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

You’re not reacting to your child. You’re reacting to your ego. In this powerful conversation, I sit down with world-renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary to unpack the real reason parenting feels so triggering — especially with teens. If you’ve ever taken your child’s mood personally… spiralled into guilt… or wondered why you “know better” but still lose it — this episode will hit home. Dr. Shefali shares the truth about conscious parenting, present-moment awareness, boundaries that actually work, and the dangerous misunderstanding of “gentle parenting.” This one might just change how you show up tomorrow. KEY POINTS • Why most parenting stress comes from not being present • The real definition of ego (and how it hijacks your reactions) • The subtle difference between validating feelings and condoning behaviour • How to respond to teen attitude without escalating • The two-step boundary framework that actually works • When you need stronger limits — and when you need deeper connection • Why saying “I don’t know what to do right now” is incredibly powerful QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “The answer is found in the honesty of the present moment.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Dr. Shefali’s Australian tour – Melbourne (March 11) & Sydney (March 12) • More from Dr. Shefali at: events.drshefali.com/australia ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Pause before reacting. Ask: Is this about my child… or my ego? • Reflect instead of correct. Calmly describe what you see without judgement. • Separate behaviour from identity. Don’t validate harmful behaviour in the name of validation. • Use the two-step boundary rule: • Connect first (while regulated). • If needed, architect the boundary yourself. • Say the honest thing. “I don’t know how to respond right now” builds connection, not weakness. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:06] Speaker 1: I got to tell you, I'm getting a little thrill
[0:08] Speaker 1: to welcome back to super Soul world renowned clinical psychologist,
[0:13] Speaker 1: parenting expert, New York Times bestselling author, doctor Shafari.
[0:18] Speaker 2: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. What if the
[0:20] Speaker 2: key to raising emotionally healthy children is not about perfecting
[0:24] Speaker 2: our parenting techniques, but rather, it's about transforming ourselves First,
[0:30] Speaker 2: Doctor Shafari Sabari has revolutionized how millions of parents around
[0:35] Speaker 2: the world think about raising children. Doctor Safari Sabari is
[0:41] Speaker 2: a clinical psychologist, best selling author, and one of Oprah's
[0:45] Speaker 2: super sole one hundred teachers. Doctor Sfari brings together Eastern
[0:50] Speaker 2: mindfulness and Western psychology to help parents break free from
[0:54] Speaker 2: reactive patterns and create conscious, connected relationships with their kids.
[0:59] Speaker 2: And she's heading to a Australia again in the next
[1:01] Speaker 2: few weeks to speak directly with parents. Today, we're diving
[1:04] Speaker 2: into her powerful approach to conscious parenting, what it really means,
[1:07] Speaker 2: why it works, how it can transform your family. Stay
[1:12] Speaker 2: with us, Doctor Shafari. Next, Gooday, Welcome to the Happy
[1:17] Speaker 2: Families Podcast, where you get real parenting solutions every single day.
[1:21] Speaker 2: The Happy Families Podcast is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
[1:24] Speaker 2: So glad you've joined me today for a really special guest,
[1:26] Speaker 2: doctor Shafari Sabari, who's coming to Australia. We'll put all
[1:30] Speaker 2: the details in the show notes, but let me quickly
[1:32] Speaker 2: fill you in March eleven and March twelve. Melbourne March
[1:37] Speaker 2: eleven you can catch doctor Safari and Sydney March twelve.
[1:41] Speaker 2: All the details are at her website events dot doctor
[1:44] Speaker 2: Schefari dot com, slash Australia. Like I said, I'll put
[1:46] Speaker 2: the details in the show notes. Doctor Shafari is one
[1:50] Speaker 2: of my favorite people to chat to and we've been
[1:53] Speaker 2: having far too long the conversation off air about everything
[1:56] Speaker 2: parenting and everything writing and doctor Shafari's upc coming visit. Sheffarli,
[2:01] Speaker 2: thanks for joining me on the pod.
[2:03] Speaker 3: Thank you for having me so excited.
[2:05] Speaker 2: That you're coming to Australia. I wanted to start off
[2:08] Speaker 2: a little bit differently today with a lightning round because
[2:11] Speaker 2: you're this conscious parent, You're this guru of mingling the
[2:15] Speaker 2: Eastern philosophies with Western psychology. Everyone always feels enlightened and
[2:19] Speaker 2: elevated when they're around you. And yet, as I've gotten
[2:22] Speaker 2: to know you a little bit. I've gotten to know
[2:24] Speaker 2: your humanity, your human nurse, i should say, and it's
[2:27] Speaker 2: just indeared me to you even more. Like seeing you
[2:29] Speaker 2: as a person rather than as this guru on the
[2:31] Speaker 2: TV just makes you so much more fun to be around.
[2:35] Speaker 2: So I want to start with a lightning round where
[2:36] Speaker 2: people can get to know you just a little bit more.
[2:38] Speaker 2: A couple of personal questions without notice. I'm just going
[2:43] Speaker 2: to fire them at you. Hit me with your answers
[2:46] Speaker 2: as briefly as you can. Are you feeling okay about this?
[2:49] Speaker 2: You're looking nervous.
[2:51] Speaker 3: No, I'm ready for you.
[2:53] Speaker 2: Just what's one parenting rule that you broke with your
[2:55] Speaker 2: own daughter that you're kind of glad you actually broke.
[2:58] Speaker 3: Wow? Well, you know, for the longest time I lived
[3:03] Speaker 3: by this rule that I couldn't show my weakness. I
[3:07] Speaker 3: couldn't show my vulnerability because I needed to be strong
[3:10] Speaker 3: for her and I never wanted her to take care
[3:14] Speaker 3: of me.
[3:14] Speaker 1: You know.
[3:15] Speaker 3: I teach parents, you know, take care of yourself, heal yourself.
[3:18] Speaker 3: Don't let your daughter or your son become your therapist
[3:21] Speaker 3: or your best friend or you know, they are not
[3:23] Speaker 3: here for that. And then very recently My daughter is
[3:27] Speaker 3: now almost twenty three. I literally like, let that fly
[3:31] Speaker 3: out the window, and I broke down and I kind
[3:35] Speaker 3: of vented to her about something personal in my life,
[3:38] Speaker 3: and I told her to kind of like what kind
[3:41] Speaker 3: of advice will you give me? And I did it
[3:43] Speaker 3: kind of in a desperate way, which is so against
[3:47] Speaker 3: my ethos, and in a weird way, it kind of
[3:51] Speaker 3: humanized me to her and made her kind of feel
[3:54] Speaker 3: like she gets to be doctor Maya and you know,
[3:58] Speaker 3: help me in a real way. It kind of worked. Now.
[4:02] Speaker 3: I wouldn't do it again if she was younger, even
[4:06] Speaker 3: seeing how well it worked. I think there's a time
[4:08] Speaker 3: and place, and I am shocked how much it worked.
[4:12] Speaker 3: But I don't want to advocate other people doing this.
[4:15] Speaker 3: I think there's a time and space. But it really
[4:17] Speaker 3: worked for me.
[4:17] Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. If you could uninvent one piece
[4:20] Speaker 2: of advice that's done the most damage, what would it be.
[4:25] Speaker 3: I think people misunderstand this whole kind of validate your children, yes,
[4:31] Speaker 3: and then we overdo it and now we've created fragility.
[4:37] Speaker 3: And I want to scream when people do that, because
[4:41] Speaker 3: and they mistake conscious parenting, which I'm known for to
[4:45] Speaker 3: be this kind of overly validating, overly gentle kind of approach.
[4:50] Speaker 3: But they've messed it all up in their heads and
[4:52] Speaker 3: they've confused it to mean over permissiveness, and we overvalidate
[4:58] Speaker 3: to the point of condoning bad behavior, yeah.
[5:02] Speaker 2: Or just letting it slide and sitting in there and saying,
[5:05] Speaker 2: I've got to be my child's therapist. I've got to
[5:07] Speaker 2: sit down and do all this emotion work with them,
[5:09] Speaker 2: and sometimes they don't need that right.
[5:11] Speaker 3: Right, or becoming endlessly apathetic and not speaking up for
[5:18] Speaker 3: negative behavior. You know, there's a difference between the behavior
[5:21] Speaker 3: and the person, and I think we fuse them together
[5:25] Speaker 3: and we end up, you know, because we want to
[5:27] Speaker 3: validate the human being, we end up validating the negative
[5:31] Speaker 3: behavior and actually perpetuating the same.
[5:33] Speaker 2: I feel like there's been a backlash as well to
[5:35] Speaker 2: that quite damaging advice or that misunderstanding of the advice
[5:40] Speaker 2: around validation, and we're hearing about it all the time now.
[5:43] Speaker 2: The FAFA style of parenting that seems to have exploded
[5:46] Speaker 2: recently f around and find out right where parents are saying, well,
[5:50] Speaker 2: I'm not going to be gentle with you, You're just going
[5:52] Speaker 2: to do the wrong thing. And you're going to copy
[5:54] Speaker 2: it right.
[5:55] Speaker 3: So now we're going to the other extreme, back to
[5:58] Speaker 3: the traditional run and find out. I'm now sure you
[6:00] Speaker 3: who's the boss, and I'll put you in your place.
[6:03] Speaker 3: So I think parents are just what this speaks to
[6:06] Speaker 3: the spendulum oscillation speaks to me, in my opinion, the
[6:10] Speaker 3: inability to attune to the child's essence and behavior in
[6:16] Speaker 3: the proportion that is needed right here, right now. So
[6:19] Speaker 3: we rely on either apathy and over permissiveness, or we
[6:23] Speaker 3: swing the other way and scream and yell and punish.
[6:25] Speaker 3: But what you and I teach is really something very
[6:28] Speaker 3: attuned and delicate and be conscious in the moment, which
[6:32] Speaker 3: is the hardest thing to do, and that's why parents
[6:35] Speaker 3: are all over the mat.
[6:36] Speaker 2: Yeah, what's a guilty pleasure that you have that would
[6:40] Speaker 2: surprise people who know you as this mindful, conscious parenting guru.
[6:48] Speaker 3: Oh my goodness.
[6:48] Speaker 1: You know.
[6:49] Speaker 3: I think my books are so poetic, and when I'm writing,
[6:53] Speaker 3: I truly enter some flow stage of some poet, and
[6:56] Speaker 3: I do write poetry. I write beautifully and eloquently, and
[7:00] Speaker 3: then when they come to hear me, the shock that
[7:03] Speaker 3: I can cuss and swear like a sailor and oh
[7:06] Speaker 3: my goodness, you should see people's devastation. They're like, oh
[7:10] Speaker 3: my god, I put you on this pedestal and you
[7:12] Speaker 3: are just so regular, and I feel so bad. But
[7:17] Speaker 3: sometimes I can swear, and I'm entering a new phase
[7:22] Speaker 3: where I'm trying to swear.
[7:23] Speaker 2: Less, even more enlightened.
[7:26] Speaker 3: YEA to Australia. They may get the more enlightened guru
[7:31] Speaker 3: version of me and not my sailor cussing version.
[7:34] Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that a lot of Australia lacks
[7:36] Speaker 2: are pretty good swear complete this sentence. I know I'm
[7:39] Speaker 2: supposed to be above this, but I still judge parents
[7:43] Speaker 2: who Oh.
[7:44] Speaker 3: I'm judging people all the time. I should be about judging,
[7:48] Speaker 3: but I think I judge parents who give in to
[7:52] Speaker 3: their kids, you know, social media, and who are on
[7:56] Speaker 3: social media a lot when they're parenting. So if I'm
[8:00] Speaker 3: into a park or at the airport and they see
[8:02] Speaker 3: parents with young kids and they are on social media,
[8:05] Speaker 3: even though I need you on social media, but because
[8:08] Speaker 3: they have young kids, oh my goodness, I really judge
[8:11] Speaker 3: parents who are who are on their screens when their
[8:14] Speaker 3: kids are young, even though I understand it and I
[8:17] Speaker 3: would probably do it too, but I have a real
[8:20] Speaker 3: judgment there, and I know I need to work on
[8:22] Speaker 3: that because parenting is so difficult.
[8:24] Speaker 2: Yeah, it is, So let's talk about parenting. Like I said,
[8:27] Speaker 2: you're coming out here to talk about a number of
[8:29] Speaker 2: these things. I want to talk about the conscious parenting
[8:32] Speaker 2: work that you've been doing for so long now my
[8:36] Speaker 2: understanding of it, and I've been through quite a lot
[8:37] Speaker 2: of your work now. Conscious parenting means that we've got
[8:39] Speaker 2: to do our own inner work and become aware of
[8:41] Speaker 2: our own patterns. So there's a lot of self awareness
[8:43] Speaker 2: going on here. But a lot of parents are really
[8:46] Speaker 2: stretched thin. They're working, they're managing households, they're dealing with
[8:49] Speaker 2: their own unprocessed challenges from earlier in their lives, and
[8:52] Speaker 2: they're also dealing with the carnage and chaos of raising
[8:56] Speaker 2: their own families. How do you respond to parents who say,
[9:00] Speaker 2: I barely have time to have a shower, let alone
[9:02] Speaker 2: sit down and meditate on my childhood wounds and do
[9:06] Speaker 2: the self healing in the inner work that I'm supposed
[9:07] Speaker 2: to do so that I can be a good parent. Like,
[9:09] Speaker 2: what's the minimum viable threshold of self awareness that can
[9:14] Speaker 2: still make a real difference.
[9:16] Speaker 3: Just entering the present moment, you know, bringing the attention
[9:20] Speaker 3: to the present moment can change everything. Most of us
[9:24] Speaker 3: are so busy, but most of our busyness comes from
[9:28] Speaker 3: a chaotic mind, a mind that is so distracted and
[9:32] Speaker 3: so overstimulated and overscheduled that it's constantly either regretting the
[9:36] Speaker 3: past or living in the past, ruminating about what has
[9:39] Speaker 3: already happened, or obsessing and worrying about what is going
[9:43] Speaker 3: to happen. And that makes life worse, That makes your
[9:46] Speaker 3: life more stressed. So I really teach parents the skills
[9:51] Speaker 3: to enter the present moment, because if you do, half
[9:55] Speaker 3: your stress and half you're like, oh my god, I
[9:57] Speaker 3: have no time goes away, working against ourselves by not
[10:02] Speaker 3: learning to be present. Conscious parenting is not only about
[10:06] Speaker 3: being aware of how you're projecting your own self into
[10:09] Speaker 3: your child's lives, but also about how you are not
[10:12] Speaker 3: in the present moment. So we all have time to
[10:16] Speaker 3: be in the present, because present, the present is where
[10:19] Speaker 3: everything is happening. So I dogmatically teach parents how to
[10:23] Speaker 3: train their minds to enter the present moment because the
[10:27] Speaker 3: reason for their perpetual misery, chaos, and stress is because
[10:30] Speaker 3: they are not in the present moment. So you don't
[10:32] Speaker 3: have to heal yourself completely. You just have to see
[10:35] Speaker 3: yourself in the present, projecting your garbage, your anxieties onto
[10:41] Speaker 3: your child. I mean, just today I did it with
[10:43] Speaker 3: my daughter and she backed me. She's like, hey, back off, mom,
[10:47] Speaker 3: this is a new problem. And the minute she did that,
[10:50] Speaker 3: my anxiety evaporated, rebonded, reconnected, and I realized I was
[10:54] Speaker 3: creating chaos and I didn't have to. So it's not
[10:58] Speaker 3: about healing every wound happened from each five. It's about
[11:02] Speaker 3: seeing how it is operating in the present moment, and
[11:04] Speaker 3: it's super powerful and super transformation.
[11:07] Speaker 2: I love that you said that. Just thinking about what
[11:09] Speaker 2: you said right there, I was driving one of my
[11:12] Speaker 2: kids to school this morning, my fifteen soon to be
[11:15] Speaker 2: sixteen year old, and so much of what she's going
[11:19] Speaker 2: through right now I want to personalize. It feels like
[11:22] Speaker 2: everything's defensive, everything's in a tag. It's like I can't
[11:25] Speaker 2: talk to her without her being really really elevated and agitated.
[11:30] Speaker 2: And I raised that with her, and guess what, she
[11:33] Speaker 2: got elevated and agitated. She was really upset that I
[11:35] Speaker 2: was even raising it. And saying that I didn't know
[11:37] Speaker 2: what I was talking about, and I found the whole
[11:39] Speaker 2: thing really ironic, and I've been I've been parceling over
[11:43] Speaker 2: it all day and listen to what you're saying. Just now,
[11:47] Speaker 2: it's kind of like, well, actually, this is not about me.
[11:49] Speaker 2: This is about her. And if I can be in
[11:52] Speaker 2: the moment the way you're talking about, let go of
[11:54] Speaker 2: all of the other stuff, then I'm going to be
[11:56] Speaker 2: a much better dad to her. I mean, she got
[11:58] Speaker 2: out of the car, she didn't even say goodbye to me,
[12:00] Speaker 2: and I was thinking, that's it. I'm not taking to
[12:01] Speaker 2: school anymore. I don't want anything to do with her.
[12:03] Speaker 2: She's driving me crazy. Which we didn't take a quick break.
[12:08] Speaker 2: But after the break, let's talk about ego, because my right,
[12:13] Speaker 2: I mean, this is your thing, right, ego played such
[12:15] Speaker 2: a big role in the way that interaction with my
[12:18] Speaker 2: daughter went poorly today. And I just want to talk
[12:20] Speaker 2: a little bit about boundaries because this is another area
[12:23] Speaker 2: that parents often will struggle, especially with some of your concepts,
[12:26] Speaker 2: and just to give people a sense of what you're
[12:29] Speaker 2: going to be talking about when you're here in Australia,
[12:30] Speaker 2: I think these topics will be useful, stay with us.
[12:33] Speaker 2: Both of those things are coming up next we're back.
[12:42] Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast with doctor Shafari Sabari Today, Shfali,
[12:48] Speaker 2: I love the way they integrate the Eastern philosophy, the
[12:50] Speaker 2: mindfulness traditions with Western psychology. But I want to talk
[12:53] Speaker 2: about ego for a sex. So when Western parents who
[12:56] Speaker 2: are often carrying enormous guilt about getting things wrong like
[12:59] Speaker 2: I do this morning, and countside the concepts that you
[13:02] Speaker 2: talk about, like ego, dissolution and detachment from outcomes, I
[13:06] Speaker 2: mean this is a big one, right, being detached from
[13:08] Speaker 2: the outcome. Do you find that they sometimes weaponize these
[13:11] Speaker 2: ideas against themselves like I did this morning. Like I'm
[13:13] Speaker 2: supposed to be egoless, I'm supposed to be detached from
[13:17] Speaker 2: the outcome, but I'm still triggered. And then, like I said,
[13:20] Speaker 2: they weaponize it against themselves, so to say, so I'm
[13:22] Speaker 2: failing at that as well. Not only can I not
[13:25] Speaker 2: detach from the outcome and can I not dissolve my ego?
[13:27] Speaker 2: But now I'm failing at everything. How do you help
[13:30] Speaker 2: parents to hold these really deep concepts without feeling an articat.
[13:37] Speaker 3: So this is what I teach, and just to simplify it,
[13:39] Speaker 3: although there's a lot more that goes into it, but
[13:41] Speaker 3: just for time. The ego is really our identification with
[13:47] Speaker 3: a false self, okay, a self that thinks it's feeling,
[13:51] Speaker 3: a self that thinks it's worthless, the self that kind
[13:53] Speaker 3: of inserts itself when it shouldn't insert itself.
[13:56] Speaker 1: Right.
[13:57] Speaker 3: So, here you are in the car with your sixteen
[13:58] Speaker 3: year old daughter, snappy, she's hormonal, she is stressed. Let
[14:04] Speaker 3: me tell you this is every girl almost from the
[14:08] Speaker 3: age of nine all the way till twenty nine. Okay,
[14:10] Speaker 3: just stay away and just deep breath, deep breath. Definitely
[14:15] Speaker 3: don't get your ego caught up, which is what you did.
[14:19] Speaker 3: You made it personal, and she here is going for
[14:22] Speaker 3: her own stressors and she doesn't need you now to
[14:26] Speaker 3: begin telling her that the way she's talking is upsetting
[14:29] Speaker 3: you because she's already on one hundred. So you inserted
[14:33] Speaker 3: yourself instead of deep breath. Let her have her moment.
[14:37] Speaker 3: You can reflect back and say, I see that you're
[14:39] Speaker 3: not in our mood or space or energy to really
[14:43] Speaker 3: now manage my feelings. So I'm just going to step away.
[14:46] Speaker 3: I'm going to put my ego on the side. I'm
[14:47] Speaker 3: going to put me and my needs on the side
[14:49] Speaker 3: and let you be and let her be. And then
[14:52] Speaker 3: you did the double whammy of like, oh my god,
[14:55] Speaker 3: I am such a bad parent and I am feeling
[14:58] Speaker 3: so we do this spinning up out of control with
[15:01] Speaker 3: our ego and parenting is such a powerful teacher, especially
[15:05] Speaker 3: parenting a team, because you get to see how you
[15:09] Speaker 3: keep inserting yourself instead of truly helping them. The best
[15:13] Speaker 3: help we can give our children is to either let
[15:17] Speaker 3: them have their feelings and then create a reflection so
[15:22] Speaker 3: we can reflect to them. I can see that I'm
[15:25] Speaker 3: stressing you out. I can see that every time I talk,
[15:28] Speaker 3: your shoulders are tensing. You can just reflect in the
[15:31] Speaker 3: present moment, and that is so powerful. You're not judging it,
[15:35] Speaker 3: You're not asking them to change, You're simply reflecting. You know,
[15:40] Speaker 3: I'm getting a sense that every time I breathe, you're
[15:43] Speaker 3: having a physical reaction. I can see you grunting, snorting,
[15:47] Speaker 3: rolling your eyes. So let's just I'm going to take
[15:50] Speaker 3: that as a signal that I need to back away.
[15:52] Speaker 3: How respectful, how lovely, as long as we do it
[15:55] Speaker 3: without judgment, right, most of us cannot do it without
[15:58] Speaker 3: judging because our feelings are getting hurt. But just in,
[16:02] Speaker 3: the reflection in the present moment is the greatest therapy
[16:06] Speaker 3: and a sign of respect. Listen, I want to respect you,
[16:09] Speaker 3: So please tell me when we can talk where I'm
[16:12] Speaker 3: not annoying you. You know I think I'm annoying you,
[16:14] Speaker 3: So please tell me when, and your child will both
[16:17] Speaker 3: be able to self reflect hopefully and self correct, and
[16:21] Speaker 3: you don't have to be the bad guy and you
[16:23] Speaker 3: don't have to get into the ring with them. And
[16:26] Speaker 3: then the second thing about self flagellation, it's really pointless
[16:31] Speaker 3: because that's our egos way of saying I should be
[16:35] Speaker 3: a better parent, I should have done it differently, but
[16:39] Speaker 3: really owning that right now, I don't know how to
[16:42] Speaker 3: react right, so we can just say, guess what, I
[16:45] Speaker 3: don't know how to deal with the sixteen year old
[16:47] Speaker 3: girl and soothing yourself and having compassion with yourself. You
[16:50] Speaker 3: are not supposed to know justin, even though you are
[16:53] Speaker 3: a parenting expert and.
[16:54] Speaker 2: I've done it five times, this is my fifth time through, right.
[16:59] Speaker 3: But this is a different this is a different child,
[17:01] Speaker 3: this is a different moment, and the best thing I've
[17:04] Speaker 3: learned and I help parents with this is and I
[17:07] Speaker 3: said it just the other day to my daughter. I
[17:09] Speaker 3: am so sorry, I don't know what to do right now.
[17:12] Speaker 3: That is so powerful because it's the truth. The ego
[17:15] Speaker 3: acts like it should know, but the truth is we
[17:18] Speaker 3: don't know. And going to a child, especially after the
[17:21] Speaker 3: age of fourteen fifteen, and telling them I really don't
[17:24] Speaker 3: know how to react right now, and I would love
[17:27] Speaker 3: your health and your guidance. They love that. They because
[17:31] Speaker 3: what they don't like is when we act like we
[17:33] Speaker 3: should know, and they can sense our ego more than anything.
[17:37] Speaker 3: So really getting raw and honest, but staying close to
[17:41] Speaker 3: the present moment is the answer is The answer is
[17:46] Speaker 3: found in the honesty of the present moment. Hey, I'm
[17:49] Speaker 3: seeing that I every time I speak, you seem to
[17:53] Speaker 3: not appreciate it or help me, help me What am
[17:57] Speaker 3: I getting wrong? Right? How powerful? But staying close to
[18:00] Speaker 3: the present.
[18:01] Speaker 2: So funny hearing you say this, because A, this is
[18:04] Speaker 2: what I teach other parents, and I know this. And
[18:08] Speaker 2: be in spite of the fact that I know this
[18:09] Speaker 2: and teach other parents this and agree with everything you're saying,
[18:13] Speaker 2: that part of me that we're actually talking about is
[18:16] Speaker 2: still saying yeah, yeah, yeah, but you should have done
[18:18] Speaker 2: better because you do know better. Like it's so powerful,
[18:21] Speaker 2: isn't it? The way that it pushes through and creates
[18:24] Speaker 2: that response really really impactful. I love love listening to you.
[18:31] Speaker 2: I needed this session today. I mean, this podcast was
[18:33] Speaker 2: not about me, but thank you so much for making
[18:34] Speaker 2: it about me. I want to ask just one more question.
[18:38] Speaker 2: It's something that parents struggle with so much, and your
[18:42] Speaker 2: framing on it is quite similar to mine. So I
[18:44] Speaker 2: often say to parents that parenting is about parents. If
[18:50] Speaker 2: it was about children, we'd call it children ing. So
[18:54] Speaker 2: one of your selfle ideas is that children are our
[18:56] Speaker 2: greatest teachers, and as we learn from them, we can
[18:59] Speaker 2: become better people ourselves, we can heal ourselves. But there's
[19:03] Speaker 2: also a bit of tension there because parents need to
[19:07] Speaker 2: provide structures and boundaries and leadership, Like we can't just
[19:10] Speaker 2: follow our children's lead. This taps into what you're saying before,
[19:13] Speaker 2: with one of our greatest mistakes being that we validate
[19:15] Speaker 2: our kids too much and we've gone too far into
[19:17] Speaker 2: that gentle side of things. So how do you help
[19:20] Speaker 2: parents to navigate that tension where our children are being
[19:24] Speaker 2: resistant or difficult, and that could be a mirror for
[19:28] Speaker 2: our own inner work. Or maybe it's just developmentally appropriate
[19:32] Speaker 2: limit testing that requires a firm, confident parent to step
[19:34] Speaker 2: in and say, this is not about my ego, this
[19:37] Speaker 2: is not about my inner work. This is just about
[19:38] Speaker 2: you doing the right thing and being socialized appropriately. How
[19:41] Speaker 2: do you navigate that tension.
[19:44] Speaker 3: Well in online work with parents? Because it's still confusing.
[19:48] Speaker 3: I've made it simple, but you tell me if there's
[19:51] Speaker 3: nuances that I'm missing. But the way I look at
[19:54] Speaker 3: it is if it's got to do with harm, harm
[19:58] Speaker 3: to the brain, harm to the body, harme to your friend,
[20:00] Speaker 3: harm to society, harm to grandma, and harm should be
[20:05] Speaker 3: something that everyone all across the world would agree. It's
[20:09] Speaker 3: not something that the parent decides is harmful. Right, So
[20:12] Speaker 3: if a kid says I don't want to hug grandma,
[20:15] Speaker 3: the parent can decide that's harmful. But that's very subjective.
[20:18] Speaker 3: I'm talking about objective harm that most people would agree.
[20:22] Speaker 3: Then you, as a parent can create a very stone
[20:26] Speaker 3: boundary and stick to it. So drugs, too much screen time, alcohol, pornography,
[20:33] Speaker 3: before the child is an adult, all of these things,
[20:36] Speaker 3: you can safely assume that you need to step in
[20:39] Speaker 3: and not be apathetic about it, and you need to
[20:42] Speaker 3: protect your child and you will be in integrity if
[20:45] Speaker 3: you do so. Now, anything emotional which can now cross
[20:51] Speaker 3: many many nuances. Right if a child says off, somebody
[20:56] Speaker 3: could say that's harmful, But somebody could also say, okay,
[20:59] Speaker 3: didn't physic harm me, So I don't have to overreact. Right,
[21:02] Speaker 3: So now it gets a little muddy and murky. So
[21:05] Speaker 3: the way I deal with the emotional stuff which is
[21:09] Speaker 3: more in sand, it's not in stone, it's more negotiable.
[21:13] Speaker 3: You can look at it in many different ways. I
[21:17] Speaker 3: give a two step process. The first step is the
[21:20] Speaker 3: parent needs to be regulated at all times and go
[21:24] Speaker 3: and talk to the child. Hey, you said a swear word,
[21:28] Speaker 3: or you bang the door, you broke my glass, you
[21:31] Speaker 3: miss curfew. Let's talk about it, but doing it in
[21:34] Speaker 3: a regulated way. If that does not work and your
[21:38] Speaker 3: connection is not enough to create the influence you need,
[21:41] Speaker 3: then you need to go to level two, which is
[21:44] Speaker 3: really create the boundary. And the way to create a
[21:48] Speaker 3: boundary for emotional stuff is that you need to be
[21:54] Speaker 3: the one to architect that. Meaning don't tell the child
[21:58] Speaker 3: not to curse, but you tell the child that the
[22:01] Speaker 3: next time you curse, I will be doing X, Y
[22:04] Speaker 3: and Z. I will close my room, I will walk away,
[22:07] Speaker 3: I will listen to my music. I will not be
[22:11] Speaker 3: engaging with you. If the child is very young, then
[22:14] Speaker 3: we understand that the child cannot help it. Now, then
[22:17] Speaker 3: we need to help the child to learn different ways.
[22:20] Speaker 3: But I'm talking about, say, after the age of seven onwards,
[22:24] Speaker 3: where the child is kind of capable of understanding the
[22:27] Speaker 3: Boundariy you hold the boundary. So if the child, for example,
[22:31] Speaker 3: is eating too many cookies, stop telling the child not
[22:34] Speaker 3: to eat cookies. You don't buy them. If the child
[22:36] Speaker 3: is not getting off the internet, you unplug the Wi Fi.
[22:41] Speaker 3: If the child is leading all the lights on in
[22:43] Speaker 3: the house, you take out the light bunce. Right, I'm
[22:47] Speaker 3: just giving you example. If you don't like that the
[22:50] Speaker 3: child leaves the dishes in the sink, you only provide
[22:54] Speaker 3: paper plates, or you don't clean the dishes. Right, So
[22:58] Speaker 3: you hold the boundary. Is what I'm say is you
[23:01] Speaker 3: don't depend on the child. You architect the boundary. So
[23:05] Speaker 3: here are you know and within this framework are all
[23:08] Speaker 3: the different examples, And of course they're ten thousand different things.
[23:11] Speaker 3: That come up for parents, But I just follow these rules.
[23:14] Speaker 3: If it's physical, it's a stone boundary. If it's emotional,
[23:17] Speaker 3: they are two layers to it.
[23:19] Speaker 1: One.
[23:19] Speaker 3: We try to connect and influence in a regulated way.
[23:22] Speaker 3: We try to have a conversation. If that doesn't work,
[23:25] Speaker 3: then I take the boundary in my own hands, so
[23:27] Speaker 3: that if the child is going out at night and
[23:31] Speaker 3: you don't like it, and you're getting very nervous, and
[23:33] Speaker 3: the child doesn't come home, you try to talk to them,
[23:35] Speaker 3: you either take away the keys or you you know,
[23:39] Speaker 3: you tell them that now I cannot engage with you
[23:43] Speaker 3: for the next few days because you're not appreciating the
[23:45] Speaker 3: danger here, and I need to disengage from this relationship
[23:50] Speaker 3: till you understand how serious this is. And if the
[23:53] Speaker 3: parent says, well nothing works, then justin we have an
[23:58] Speaker 3: even more serious problem. See if no boundary works, that
[24:03] Speaker 3: means the connection is completely severed. And if that is
[24:08] Speaker 3: the case, I suggest that the two of them, meaning
[24:12] Speaker 3: the parent and the child, go for some serious therapy coaching,
[24:17] Speaker 3: because that means the parent has lost all influence and
[24:22] Speaker 3: no matter what we do, no technique will work because
[24:27] Speaker 3: the child has simply lost trust in that relationship. They
[24:32] Speaker 3: don't need the parent, and now the parent has lost
[24:35] Speaker 3: all leverage. So for any parent listening, don't lose hope.
[24:39] Speaker 3: There is a way to reconnect and recover, but you
[24:42] Speaker 3: will need to do a lot more work, probably with
[24:45] Speaker 3: the third person, to help.
[24:47] Speaker 2: To find out more about everything that we've been talking
[24:49] Speaker 2: about today, and to have your brain exploded when it
[24:53] Speaker 2: comes to understanding yourself and your family and to make
[24:56] Speaker 2: your family happier. Check out doctor Shafarli's website. We will
[24:59] Speaker 2: link to it in the show notes. Events dot dtor
[25:01] Speaker 2: sfari dot com, Slash Australia, Melbourne March eleven, Sydney March twelve.
[25:07] Speaker 2: I think we need a three hour podcast. I need
[25:09] Speaker 2: to do one of those Lex Friedman Stephen Barton podcast
[25:11] Speaker 2: with you one day, Shaffi, because we could just keep
[25:15] Speaker 2: ongoing for hours. Thanks so much for generously chatting with
[25:18] Speaker 2: me again about your wonderful work.
[25:21] Speaker 3: I'm so excited always to chat with you. You're incredible.
[25:25] Speaker 3: The work that you're doing is so phenomenal and this
[25:28] Speaker 3: in such practical advice, So thank you and I can't
[25:31] Speaker 3: wait to maybe see some of your listeners in Melbourne
[25:35] Speaker 3: and Sydney when I come next month.
[25:36] Speaker 2: Yeah, you're very kind. I'm sure it'll be a wonderful,
[25:38] Speaker 2: wonderful tour and some some fantastic some fantastic events in
[25:42] Speaker 2: Melbourne and Sydney, like I said. Details in the show
[25:44] Speaker 2: notes DTR Safari Sabari. The Happy Family Podcast is produced
[25:48] Speaker 2: by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds provides research,
[25:52] Speaker 2: admin and all of our other support and if you'd
[25:54] Speaker 2: like more info about Shafalie's tour, check the show notes
[25:57] Speaker 2: or her website. And for more and fo about making
[25:59] Speaker 2: your family happy, you'll find it at happy families dot
[26:02] Speaker 2: com dot a um hmm

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