# Resilience is Relational

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 8 Feb 2026, 14 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/ed75390d-1c20-427f-b301-b3e500b1bd3c/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

We’ve been teaching kids resilience all wrong. If you’ve ever watched your child fall apart over homework, friendships, or an impossibly messy bedroom - this episode reframes everything you think you know about “being strong.” Resilience isn’t grit. It isn’t white-knuckling. And it definitely isn’t doing it alone. Justin and Kylie unpack the powerful truth backed by decades of research: resilience is relational — and what our kids need most when they’re struggling is us, closer than ever. KEY POINTS • Why “tough it out” parenting quietly backfires • The research that proves one relationship can change a child’s life • How support builds competence (not dependence) • What to do in the moment when your child feels overwhelmed • Why moving closer is the most powerful parenting move you can make QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Resilience isn’t doing it alone. It’s knowing you’re not alone while you do it.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Nine Ways to a Resilient Child — Justin Coulson • Emmy Werner’s Kauai Longitudinal Study • Harvard Study of Adult Development • happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • When your child is struggling, move closer — not further away • Sit with them instead of fixing it for them • Break big tasks into tiny, doable steps • Let your voice become the calm they borrow • Model asking for help — it teaches strength, not weakness See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:06] Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Today we're
[0:08] Speaker 1: talking about resilience. I know it's an eye roll, and
[0:11] Speaker 1: you've heard it a million times. It's been one of
[0:13] Speaker 1: the core values of your children's school, I'm sure for
[0:15] Speaker 1: the last ten, twenty thirty years, but probably today our
[0:20] Speaker 1: conversation is going to be about resilience in a way
[0:22] Speaker 1: that most people are not thinking about it.
[0:25] Speaker 2: When you think of the most common cultural narrative around resilience,
[0:29] Speaker 2: it's the whole tough enough princess figure it out yourself,
[0:33] Speaker 2: you know, white knuckling it, getting up after every fall,
[0:37] Speaker 2: you know that kind of.
[0:38] Speaker 1: Yeah, just like pull yourself up by your bootstraps and
[0:41] Speaker 1: show that you can coind of just suck it up. Yeah,
[0:44] Speaker 1: and it's very much. I have to say it's individualistic
[0:48] Speaker 1: today well, resilience is typically seen as individual grittiness. We
[0:54] Speaker 1: make the argument that resilience is relational. What does that
[0:58] Speaker 1: mean and how does help our kids to be resilient
[1:01] Speaker 1: when their world is crumbling and they can't do the
[1:02] Speaker 1: mass problem or clean up their bedroom or deal with
[1:04] Speaker 1: a friendship challenge. We'll tell you all about it. Stay
[1:07] Speaker 1: with us. That's next. Gooday, Welcome to the Happy Families
[1:12] Speaker 1: podcast where you get real parenting solutions every single day.
[1:15] Speaker 1: This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin
[1:20] Speaker 1: and Kylie Coursen were the parents of six children, six daughters,
[1:25] Speaker 1: and we have dealt with emotional downs and challenges and
[1:28] Speaker 1: school refusal and if you are dealing with a challenge
[1:32] Speaker 1: in your family, we've dealt with it. I reckon most
[1:36] Speaker 1: of them. You're looking at me like, maybe that's overstating it.
[1:38] Speaker 1: Most of them? Can I say most of them? All
[1:40] Speaker 1: of them?
[1:41] Speaker 2: Me you, So we've all dealt with it.
[1:44] Speaker 1: I want to share a story. This year, in my
[1:47] Speaker 1: efforts to become fitter, we have organized for some personal
[1:51] Speaker 1: training and I didn't really want to say anything about
[1:53] Speaker 1: it because I don't want people to feel like they
[1:55] Speaker 1: have to notice my muscles when they see me the
[1:57] Speaker 1: next But I'm just putting it out there that I've.
[1:59] Speaker 2: Got to if you haven't worked it out, guys, Justin
[2:02] Speaker 2: likes a bit of prayse.
[2:03] Speaker 1: No, no, yeah, he praise. Anyway, let me share the
[2:07] Speaker 1: story because this really applies to resilience being relational, which
[2:10] Speaker 1: is what we're talking about today on the pod. Recently
[2:13] Speaker 1: had our pt guide me through a workout, and he
[2:15] Speaker 1: asked me to do a plank or a bridge, whatever
[2:17] Speaker 1: you want to call it, where you're on your elbows
[2:20] Speaker 1: and you've got your feet out behind you and you
[2:21] Speaker 1: just you've just got a hold on it. It's a
[2:23] Speaker 1: real core kind of thing. And he wanted me to
[2:25] Speaker 1: go for two minutes, one hundred and twenty painful seconds,
[2:30] Speaker 1: and I mean, it's just a horrible exercise, full stop,
[2:33] Speaker 1: end of story. By sixty seconds, I wanted to stop.
[2:37] Speaker 1: I had the shakes, I was in pain. I was
[2:39] Speaker 1: starting to make strange sounds like oh, that kind of stuff.
[2:47] Speaker 1: And then I hear his voice. He goes, nice, he's
[2:50] Speaker 1: got an English accent. He's a pom. But I don't
[2:52] Speaker 1: know how to do an English accent. But he said, nice,
[2:54] Speaker 1: you're halfway there, only sixty seconds to go. You've got this,
[2:59] Speaker 1: And I stopped shaking. I steadied myself. I put myself
[3:03] Speaker 1: together thirty seconds later, at ninety seconds, and at this
[3:06] Speaker 1: point I was not steady anymore. I was pretty sure
[3:09] Speaker 1: I was done. And then again he just goes, you're
[3:12] Speaker 1: doing well, super strong, justin just thirty seconds to go,
[3:17] Speaker 1: with fifteen seconds left, I was pretty sure I was
[3:20] Speaker 1: going to just collapse and hit the floor. The strange
[3:23] Speaker 1: noises were increasing. I was gasping for air. I was
[3:26] Speaker 1: about to tell him that I hated him, but I
[3:27] Speaker 1: couldn't form the words because I was in so much
[3:29] Speaker 1: pain and I was not sure that I was going
[3:31] Speaker 1: to survive.
[3:31] Speaker 2: Before you knew it, fifteen seconds was up.
[3:33] Speaker 1: Well, he's literally he's just gone so close. Now you're
[3:35] Speaker 1: doing it. Let me count you down, ten, nine, eight,
[3:38] Speaker 1: down to one. And then I collapsed and he high
[3:41] Speaker 1: five to the air because I couldn't lift up my underve.
[3:46] Speaker 1: And then I had this realization. I mean, I've been
[3:48] Speaker 1: talking a lot about resilience for years, and I've done
[3:50] Speaker 1: a number of sessions over the last couple of weeks
[3:53] Speaker 1: in schools and other places talking about resilience. But I
[3:57] Speaker 1: had this recognition. Yes, I was the one who did
[4:01] Speaker 1: the exercise. I was the one who held myself up
[4:04] Speaker 1: for one hundred and twenty seconds, but he was the
[4:07] Speaker 1: one who helped me to be resilient. I was going
[4:09] Speaker 1: to quit at the halfway point. Without him, I wouldn't
[4:13] Speaker 1: have done it. And I just thought to myself, resilience
[4:16] Speaker 1: is relational.
[4:18] Speaker 2: So yesterday, we went bike riding with our fifteen year
[4:22] Speaker 2: old daughter. She hasn't ridden with you before, and the
[4:26] Speaker 2: two of you took off and left me for dead.
[4:28] Speaker 1: Well, well, to be clear, she took off and I
[4:30] Speaker 1: looked at you and said should I go with her
[4:33] Speaker 1: or should I stay with you? And you said follow her,
[4:35] Speaker 1: so I then chased her. I just don't want anyone
[4:38] Speaker 1: to think that I abandoned.
[4:39] Speaker 2: I felt abandoned. I'm telling you now, well she because
[4:42] Speaker 2: as I continued on my ride.
[4:45] Speaker 1: Into those headwinds, I.
[4:47] Speaker 2: Just felt so depleted, so weak, and about maybe five
[4:52] Speaker 2: or so minutes into the ride, an older couple rode
[4:56] Speaker 2: past me, just like it was like driving Miss Daisy, Right,
[5:00] Speaker 2: it was so effortless.
[5:01] Speaker 1: In the last seventies, and you're thinking, how is it.
[5:03] Speaker 2: Pop If I can just stick on with them, Well,
[5:06] Speaker 2: we got to a hill they left me for dead,
[5:08] Speaker 2: but I could see them on the horizon and it
[5:12] Speaker 2: was enough to push me knowing that you guys were
[5:14] Speaker 2: at the other end. And I was so grateful for
[5:18] Speaker 2: them because even though I never caught them, I had
[5:21] Speaker 2: someone there kind of urging me on.
[5:25] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, So Emmy Werner is a researcher that is
[5:29] Speaker 1: maybe one of the most important researchers in the world
[5:32] Speaker 1: when it comes to this topic of resilience. She did
[5:36] Speaker 1: this thing called the Kawhi Longitudinal Study, followed these at
[5:39] Speaker 1: risk kids for forty plus years, and I'd love to
[5:42] Speaker 1: get into the nitty gritty of the study, but for
[5:44] Speaker 1: today's purposes, the one thing that really matters is that
[5:49] Speaker 1: the kids who thrived despite adversity all had at least
[5:55] Speaker 1: one stable caring relationship.
[5:58] Speaker 2: That was it.
[5:59] Speaker 1: There were other factors that were important, but one stable
[6:03] Speaker 1: caring relationship seemed to be the variable, the factor that
[6:09] Speaker 1: differentiated the children who were resilient throughout a very very
[6:13] Speaker 1: hard life versus those who were not resilient and had
[6:16] Speaker 1: ongoing struggles, just like their parents before them and their
[6:19] Speaker 1: grandparents before them.
[6:20] Speaker 2: We've shared this a few times on the podcast now,
[6:23] Speaker 2: but I look back on my life and outside of
[6:26] Speaker 2: my parents, there was always one adult, one adult figure
[6:31] Speaker 2: that was just my go to person for when life
[6:34] Speaker 2: got tough, especially when I would struggle with relationship issues
[6:38] Speaker 2: with my parents or whatever. There was this one person
[6:40] Speaker 2: there that was my champion, kind of cheering me on
[6:43] Speaker 2: and helping me to see with greater perspective and clarity
[6:47] Speaker 2: around the challenges that I was experiencing. But on top
[6:52] Speaker 2: of that, you particularly have shared with the girls multiple
[6:55] Speaker 2: stories over the years of people who have done like
[6:59] Speaker 2: incredible thing things, but when you look at how they
[7:03] Speaker 2: accomplished it, inevitably there was one person.
[7:07] Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very very rare that you see somebody who
[7:09] Speaker 1: is simply a standout and they've done it all themselves.
[7:11] Speaker 2: Well, there's that kind of kind of cheesy saying behind
[7:14] Speaker 2: every good man is.
[7:14] Speaker 1: A great woman, great woman or whatever.
[7:17] Speaker 2: Right, But at the end of the day, it's kind
[7:19] Speaker 2: of true. Not necessarily from a gender perspective, but anybody
[7:24] Speaker 2: who gets to the top of anything hasn't done it.
[7:27] Speaker 2: I've isolated.
[7:28] Speaker 1: I think it was Newton who said, if I've seen further,
[7:30] Speaker 1: it's only because I've stood on the shoulders of giants. Yeah,
[7:33] Speaker 1: so there's another state. I guess at the heart of this.
[7:37] Speaker 1: It's not about toughness. Resilience is not about being tougher
[7:40] Speaker 1: than everyone else. It's not about rugged independence. You use
[7:44] Speaker 1: the term white knuckling in the intro. It's not about that.
[7:47] Speaker 1: It's actually about connection. It's about relationships, having people in
[7:50] Speaker 1: your orbit. The Harvard Study of Adult Development sometimes called
[7:52] Speaker 1: the Grant Study, eighty five plus years of data, same conclusion.
[7:56] Speaker 1: Relationships are everything for resilience and well being. Whatever studies
[8:02] Speaker 1: you look at, they consistently say resilience is relational. So
[8:07] Speaker 1: what does that mean for us? What does that mean
[8:08] Speaker 1: for our children? What does that mean for our families?
[8:11] Speaker 1: We're going to unpack that so that you can apply
[8:14] Speaker 1: it in your home or classroom. Right after this, we're back.
[8:26] Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast. Today we're talking about resilience.
[8:30] Speaker 2: Well, you've really highlighted that resilience is such a relational thing.
[8:35] Speaker 2: So how does this impact us and specifically our children.
[8:39] Speaker 1: Yeah, so let's say you've got child who's struggling with
[8:41] Speaker 1: some homework or some reading, or I don't know, struggling
[8:45] Speaker 1: cleaning their room. Cleaning their room. Yeah, one of my
[8:47] Speaker 1: favorite stories. This is really your story. I feel bad
[8:50] Speaker 1: sharing it. You can jump in and take over. One
[8:52] Speaker 1: of our kids was not able to clean her room,
[8:54] Speaker 1: and so you went and sat on the bed and
[8:55] Speaker 1: said I'll help you, and she said, thanks mommy. And
[8:58] Speaker 1: you didn't clean the room, but what you did do
[9:02] Speaker 1: was your offered support. You sat on the bed and said,
[9:04] Speaker 1: I wonder if there's three things that you can see
[9:06] Speaker 1: that are really easy to put away. If you were
[9:08] Speaker 1: to just pick three things, what would they be? And
[9:10] Speaker 1: so she put them away, and you just kept on
[9:13] Speaker 1: doing that. At one point you're like, I've got to
[9:15] Speaker 1: go to the kitchen and do something. I'll be back
[9:16] Speaker 1: in ninety seconds. See how much you can do before
[9:18] Speaker 1: I get back. She was able to clean her room.
[9:21] Speaker 1: It just felt like it was too big to do
[9:23] Speaker 1: on her own, but once she had somebody sitting there
[9:25] Speaker 1: and supporting her, she was able to work it out.
[9:28] Speaker 2: I know, I was a young mum, like literally feeling
[9:30] Speaker 2: so overwhelmed by the task of the day that I
[9:34] Speaker 2: would sometimes call a friend and say, can you just
[9:36] Speaker 2: come and watch me clean, like just be in my space.
[9:40] Speaker 2: I just need somebody to kind of just be there.
[9:44] Speaker 1: Resilience is relational, right, and they would.
[9:46] Speaker 2: Come over and inevitably they would end up helping me
[9:48] Speaker 2: a bit. But that wasn't actually what I needed. I
[9:51] Speaker 2: just needed communication. I need somebody there that I could
[9:54] Speaker 2: relate to and chat with and just forget the big
[9:57] Speaker 2: task but break it down into small increments.
[10:00] Speaker 1: I mean, we're supposed to be talking about parenting and kids.
[10:02] Speaker 1: But let me share another adult example. I remember, maybe
[10:04] Speaker 1: ten or fifteen years ago, we were living in Woollongong
[10:08] Speaker 1: and a friend of ours was hospitalized with mental health challenges,
[10:11] Speaker 1: and there was very real concerns that she was not
[10:15] Speaker 1: going to be okay. And you went and visited with
[10:17] Speaker 1: her and sat in that hospital room and just let
[10:19] Speaker 1: her cry, and you hugged her and listened to her.
[10:22] Speaker 1: It stayed there for hours, and at the end of it,
[10:25] Speaker 1: she kind of looked at you and just said, I
[10:27] Speaker 1: just needed someone to hear me. And within a couple
[10:30] Speaker 1: of days she was out of hospital and made a
[10:32] Speaker 1: full recovery and has clearly had an up and down
[10:34] Speaker 1: life since them, because we all do. But she's fine,
[10:37] Speaker 1: Like she's doing great ten or ten years down the track.
[10:39] Speaker 1: Resilience is relational, like no matter how you pull it apart. Kid,
[10:43] Speaker 1: When I was a kid, my dad saw that I
[10:46] Speaker 1: was struggling with cricket. They had me enrolled in a
[10:47] Speaker 1: cricket team. I was struggling with it and Dad said,
[10:50] Speaker 1: it looks like cricket's hard. You need to practice. Let's
[10:53] Speaker 1: go down to the nets. Like he took me down
[10:55] Speaker 1: there and practiced with me. I was never going to practice.
[10:57] Speaker 1: Oh incidentally, I was always told to practice the piano
[11:00] Speaker 1: on my own. Go in there and practice the piano
[11:02] Speaker 1: for thirty minutes. But if my parents had sat with
[11:04] Speaker 1: me and talked about what I was doing and shared
[11:07] Speaker 1: with me things that they were enjoying or what they
[11:09] Speaker 1: remember the teacher saying, maybe I'd actually be able to
[11:12] Speaker 1: play the piano today.
[11:13] Speaker 2: That's where grandparents play this beautiful role often in our kids' lives,
[11:18] Speaker 2: because they've got the time to just sit with them
[11:21] Speaker 2: and encourage them and work with them. And the crazy
[11:24] Speaker 2: thing is we've been taught that helping too much actually
[11:27] Speaker 2: makes our kids.
[11:28] Speaker 1: Soft, right, it's.
[11:30] Speaker 2: The absolute opposite. Yes, as we help our kids, we
[11:34] Speaker 2: actually expand their capacity.
[11:36] Speaker 1: Yeah, people think like, oh, no, I'm making my child
[11:39] Speaker 1: dependent on me if I sit with them and help
[11:41] Speaker 1: them clean the room. No, you're not. You're actually sitting
[11:44] Speaker 1: there and saying, I value the relationship. I can see
[11:45] Speaker 1: a struggling here's some support, and you're actually you're literally
[11:49] Speaker 1: building competence capacity. You're helping them to see that they
[11:51] Speaker 1: can do it and literally building their resilience by being
[11:57] Speaker 1: there and buy so long as you don't do too
[11:59] Speaker 1: much by helping them a little bit.
[12:01] Speaker 2: But resilience isn't about never need any anybody's help. It's
[12:04] Speaker 2: about recognizing when.
[12:06] Speaker 1: You do need help, that you.
[12:08] Speaker 2: Have the capacity to ask for it. And when we
[12:10] Speaker 2: teach our kids that they've got to do it on
[12:12] Speaker 2: their own. You wonder how we grow up as adults
[12:16] Speaker 2: thinking I can't ask anyone because that would mean I'm weak.
[12:19] Speaker 1: Right when we're doing a plank, when we're doing homework
[12:22] Speaker 1: or music lessons, when we're trying to learn how to
[12:23] Speaker 1: play cricket, when we're struggling down on the bike, it
[12:27] Speaker 1: doesn't matter what it is. Right like when there are
[12:29] Speaker 1: other people in your orbit, you are going to be
[12:32] Speaker 1: more resilient. Resilience is relational.
[12:35] Speaker 2: If we could give you one practical takeaway from today's conversation,
[12:39] Speaker 2: it would be that when your kids are struggling, move closer,
[12:42] Speaker 2: not further away.
[12:43] Speaker 1: Great take home message, your voice, your presence, your belief,
[12:48] Speaker 1: the words that you say become their in a voice.
[12:51] Speaker 1: Resilience isn't doing it alone. It's knowing that you're not
[12:54] Speaker 1: aligned while you're doing it. Yeah, ah, all right, Hey,
[12:58] Speaker 1: we really hope it's been useful. I've got a book
[12:59] Speaker 1: called Nine Ways to a Resilient Child. You can find
[13:01] Speaker 1: Nine Ways to a Resilient Child wherever you buy books,
[13:04] Speaker 1: check it out online, grab a copy. It'll make your
[13:06] Speaker 1: family more resilient. The Happy Families podcast is produced by
[13:09] Speaker 1: Justin Rulon from Bridge Media. We appreciate all the admin
[13:12] Speaker 1: and additional support from Mim Hammonds as well. Hey, tomorrow
[13:15] Speaker 1: we're talking about how to do homeschooling. We've had a
[13:18] Speaker 1: number of questions come through about that, so join us
[13:20] Speaker 1: for what's a really interesting conversation around that, and for
[13:23] Speaker 1: more resources to make you family happier, especially an ADHD
[13:27] Speaker 1: course for families who are struggling. Check out Happyfamilies dot
[13:30] Speaker 1: com dot au.

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