# Good Daughtering \[with Dr Allison Alford\]

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 10 Feb 2026, 22 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/d805f508-db5b-40c6-99d6-b3e500b1f6c7/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

She loves her parents. She wants to be a good daughter. So why does it feel so heavy? In this powerful conversation, Dr Allison Alford names the invisible emotional labour millions of women are carrying — and why being a “good daughter” shouldn’t cost you your wellbeing. From eldest daughter syndrome to guilt, boundaries, and burnout, this episode will leave you feeling seen, validated, and lighter. If you’ve ever felt stretched thin by family expectations, this one is for you. KEY POINTS • What “daughtering” really is — and why naming it changes everything • Why guilt is a terrible guide for family caregiving • The hidden emotional and mental load daughters carry every day • Why boundaries don’t make you selfish — they make you sustainable • The freedom of being a “B-plus daughter” instead of burning out QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Being good enough isn’t about doing it all. It’s about doing what is sustainable.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Good Daughtering by Dr Allison Alford • Follow Dr Allison Alford: daughtering101.com • Socials: @daughtering101 ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Write down the invisible work you do for your family — and count it • Replace “What should I be doing?” with “What’s sustainable right now?” • Aim to be a B-plus daughter, not an exhausted A-plus one • Talk openly about daughtering with friends and family — language brings relief • Let go of guilt as a decision-maker and choose balance instead See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. Today on the
[0:08] Speaker 1: pod a special guest, the author of a book called
[0:11] Speaker 1: Good Daughtering, Doctor Allison Alford, is going to tell us
[0:16] Speaker 1: a whole lot about what it means to do daughtering,
[0:19] Speaker 1: how to do good daughtering, and the millions of women
[0:23] Speaker 1: every day who are carrying the invisible, emotional and logistical
[0:28] Speaker 1: cares of aging parents, husbands, partners, their own children and
[0:34] Speaker 1: everything else that they're trying to do is reshaping the
[0:37] Speaker 1: lives of an entire generation court in the middle. Today
[0:40] Speaker 1: we talk about what's going on with that and specifically
[0:42] Speaker 1: this idea of eldest daughter syndrome. I'm really excited for
[0:46] Speaker 1: this conversation because I've got six daughters and a wife
[0:50] Speaker 1: and I just I watch this happening around me all
[0:52] Speaker 1: the time. I'm fascinated by it. We're going to get
[0:54] Speaker 1: stuck into some questions for doctor Allison Alfred. Next, stay
[0:58] Speaker 1: with us. Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where
[1:03] Speaker 1: you get real parenting solutions every single day. This is
[1:05] Speaker 1: Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Manam stops Justin Colson and
[1:09] Speaker 1: today I'm speaking with doctor Allison Alford, a communication scholar
[1:12] Speaker 1: at Baylor University in Texas. Author of the new book
[1:16] Speaker 1: Good Daughtering. Allison spent well years a career researching something
[1:23] Speaker 1: that millions of women do every single day, but they
[1:25] Speaker 1: rarely talk about the invisible, emotional and logistical labor of
[1:29] Speaker 1: caring for aging parents, raising their own children, often raising
[1:33] Speaker 1: their husbands or partners as well. She calls it doing daughtering,
[1:37] Speaker 1: and it's reshaping the lives of an entire generation of
[1:39] Speaker 1: women called in the middle. Her research is what we're
[1:41] Speaker 1: going to talk about now, looking at family dynamics, mental
[1:44] Speaker 1: health and whether we're doing it right, whether we should
[1:46] Speaker 1: be doing it differently. Allison's so good to have you
[1:49] Speaker 1: on the pod. Thanks for joining me.
[1:50] Speaker 2: Thanks for having me doctor justin. Great to be here
[1:53] Speaker 2: and a pleasure to talk to busy women about ways
[1:56] Speaker 2: they can make their life better real quick.
[1:59] Speaker 1: I want to start with just the idea of doing daughtering. Daughtering,
[2:02] Speaker 1: like parenting, seems to have become a a rather than
[2:06] Speaker 1: a noun. It's not something that you wind out, something
[2:08] Speaker 1: that you do. Why is this idea of doing daughtering
[2:13] Speaker 1: being I don't know if invisible is the right we'll
[2:16] Speaker 1: values it anyway. Has it been invisible for so long.
[2:18] Speaker 2: Yeah, making daughtering a verb is so important that it
[2:22] Speaker 2: recognizes the effort that women are putting into keeping their
[2:26] Speaker 2: families running, particularly the stuff you do with your parents
[2:31] Speaker 2: and extended family. And this really gone invisible or under
[2:37] Speaker 2: the radar for a while because we don't have the
[2:40] Speaker 2: words to talk about it, and nobody has said, hey,
[2:43] Speaker 2: that's really important and valuable. So we all just keep
[2:47] Speaker 2: doing it. We keep showing up to visits and holidays
[2:51] Speaker 2: and doing phone calls, and we keep squirreling away money
[2:55] Speaker 2: for the future, or we're giving mental space, we're giving
[2:59] Speaker 2: worried time concern, and yet we're not clocking that that
[3:04] Speaker 2: is actually depleting our resources and our energy and is
[3:08] Speaker 2: something that deserves notice and deserves our attention.
[3:13] Speaker 1: I don't think challenges the right word here, but there's
[3:16] Speaker 1: there's something about this that kind of I'm wondering if
[3:18] Speaker 1: this is an indicator of what twenty twenty five, twenty
[3:22] Speaker 1: twenty six, twenty twenty seven is a side of the time.
[3:25] Speaker 1: What I mean by that is I reflect on my childhood.
[3:28] Speaker 1: My mom was the kind of daughter who we would
[3:32] Speaker 1: drive an hour and a half every Sunday to her parents' house,
[3:35] Speaker 1: so that we could have the traditional Sunday roast once
[3:38] Speaker 1: a month. We jump in the car and we'd drive
[3:41] Speaker 1: about three hours from where I lived on the New
[3:43] Speaker 1: South Wales central Coast to Canberra, the nation's capital, where
[3:46] Speaker 1: my great grandmother lived, and we would go and visit
[3:49] Speaker 1: my great grandmother. And as kids, we'd be just like, oh,
[3:51] Speaker 1: this is the worst because we had to sit in
[3:53] Speaker 1: the car for three hours there and then three hours home.
[3:55] Speaker 1: But Mum, Mum always saw it as it's what you do.
[4:00] Speaker 1: You spend time looking after your parents and your grandparents
[4:03] Speaker 1: if you're lucky enough to have them. And I remember
[4:06] Speaker 1: she used to pull out the whip and crack it
[4:07] Speaker 1: until my dad that he had to ring his mum
[4:09] Speaker 1: every Sunday night otherwise, because this was in the days
[4:12] Speaker 1: before mobile phone and we had the communication that we have,
[4:15] Speaker 1: he would go weeks without calling his mom to say
[4:17] Speaker 1: hi if my mom didn't tell him to call his mom.
[4:20] Speaker 1: And just I look at she was raising six kids,
[4:24] Speaker 1: she was running two businesses, and she was still doing
[4:26] Speaker 1: all of that. And this is a long way of saying,
[4:30] Speaker 1: does it have to be emotional labor? Like for my mom?
[4:34] Speaker 1: I felt like it strengthened her, It energized her, It
[4:38] Speaker 1: gave her vitality, It connected her with previous generations and
[4:42] Speaker 1: with the relationships that matter most. I wonder if we
[4:45] Speaker 1: have too negative a spin on this by talking about
[4:48] Speaker 1: doing daughtering its emotional labor. It's just one more thing
[4:51] Speaker 1: that we have to do. Asking as a man.
[4:55] Speaker 2: Great question. Well, the key here is that women aren't
[4:59] Speaker 2: wanting to it being daughters. We love being daughters, we
[5:02] Speaker 2: love being in families, we love having a support system,
[5:06] Speaker 2: but we want a little bit of credit for doing that.
[5:09] Speaker 2: And by doing that, we start to recognize a reasonable
[5:12] Speaker 2: amount of energy we should put to it and its
[5:15] Speaker 2: proper place in our lives. Without identifying it and figuring
[5:20] Speaker 2: out how much we should give to our extended family,
[5:23] Speaker 2: our career, ourselves, our children, and giving each one sort
[5:27] Speaker 2: of a set amount of resources, we can outsize expectations
[5:33] Speaker 2: for doing daughtering and constantly feel like we're not doing enough,
[5:36] Speaker 2: that there's more to be done, that if you visited
[5:39] Speaker 2: your mom and grandma once a month, maybe it should
[5:41] Speaker 2: be once a week. Maybe the people next door are calling,
[5:45] Speaker 2: you know, four times a month instead of once a month.
[5:48] Speaker 2: So a lot of what helps about naming it and
[5:53] Speaker 2: investigating it is that we get clarity around it, and
[5:56] Speaker 2: then we can make decisions about how to effectively keep
[6:00] Speaker 2: daughtering in place so that we can keep loving our parents,
[6:04] Speaker 2: we can keep loving our extended support system, but not
[6:07] Speaker 2: burn out.
[6:08] Speaker 1: Yeah, I get that. I mean it's really easy. I've
[6:11] Speaker 1: watched this happen. Well, I don't want to speak too personally,
[6:14] Speaker 1: so I say I've watched this happen generally that it's
[6:19] Speaker 1: it's easy to start to resent your parents, maybe your
[6:23] Speaker 1: mum or your dad because they don't appreciate it, the
[6:25] Speaker 1: effort that you're going to that you've you've you've done X,
[6:28] Speaker 1: Y and Z, and they didn't even acknowledge it. There
[6:30] Speaker 1: was no no gratitude, no thanks, and it meant turning
[6:32] Speaker 1: your world upside down. You kind of go, what am
[6:34] Speaker 1: I doing this for? When when you've spoken to women
[6:37] Speaker 1: through the years and and and putting the book together,
[6:40] Speaker 1: what's the most consistent pattern you've seen, Like, what are
[6:43] Speaker 1: the things that almost every daughter struggles with?
[6:47] Speaker 2: Every daughter struggles with the hidden costs that are associated
[6:52] Speaker 2: with being the family glue, and some daughters have to
[6:55] Speaker 2: be the whole The CEO of the whole posse, and
[6:59] Speaker 2: it can just be this exhausting thing that you're right
[7:04] Speaker 2: to say. Many of us just want kudos, We want thanks,
[7:07] Speaker 2: We want to be seen, we want to feel like
[7:10] Speaker 2: our work matters, and we as a society, we've gotten
[7:14] Speaker 2: to that with things like parenting, right, parenting is hard now.
[7:18] Speaker 2: Our children don't generally say thanks so much, mom, you know,
[7:22] Speaker 2: for doing all this hard stuff, but we are aware that,
[7:26] Speaker 2: you know, they're tiny people whose brains aren't fully developed.
[7:29] Speaker 2: When it comes around to our adult parents, we would
[7:33] Speaker 2: like them to notice that we're juggling so many things
[7:37] Speaker 2: and need a little bit of praise and acknowledgment for
[7:41] Speaker 2: all that we're doing, but also maybe a pass at
[7:44] Speaker 2: what to set down. So many women that I've spoken
[7:47] Speaker 2: to after getting this idea of what is daughter ing,
[7:50] Speaker 2: what is it in my life, and what is a
[7:53] Speaker 2: reasonable place for it so that I can like being
[7:56] Speaker 2: part of a family, they end up feeling a lot
[7:59] Speaker 2: of relief once the issues come to light and you've
[8:02] Speaker 2: taken the time to consider it and talk about it.
[8:05] Speaker 2: And that's kind of the cool thing that communication can do,
[8:08] Speaker 2: is if we talk about something more, we can actually
[8:11] Speaker 2: find that we don't have to make these vast changes
[8:15] Speaker 2: in our life to see really important, relevant changes happen
[8:19] Speaker 2: in our families. And that's what I want for your
[8:22] Speaker 2: listeners is to think small changes can have a big impact.
[8:26] Speaker 1: Okay, So with that as a backdrop, let's step into
[8:29] Speaker 1: a quick lightning round. This is meant to be fun.
[8:32] Speaker 1: It is a lightning round, So answer as fast as
[8:34] Speaker 1: you can. Yes, No, one would one sentence like really tight.
[8:37] Speaker 1: I know that every single one of these questions you
[8:39] Speaker 1: could talk on for half an hour, so it's unfair
[8:42] Speaker 1: and I love doing it. Question number one, is there
[8:46] Speaker 1: such a thing as being too close to your mother?
[8:49] Speaker 2: No?
[8:51] Speaker 1: Should adult children have regular scheduled check ins with their
[8:55] Speaker 1: aging parents, like a weekly phone call? Or is that
[8:58] Speaker 1: too rigid?
[8:59] Speaker 2: It's not too rigid, but it only works if it
[9:02] Speaker 2: works for you, and it is an expectation of the parent.
[9:06] Speaker 1: If your sibling isn't helping with your parents and you
[9:10] Speaker 1: are the daughter who is carrying the weight, whether it's
[9:13] Speaker 1: a brother or a sister, should you call them out?
[9:16] Speaker 2: First, try to think about what they might be doing
[9:19] Speaker 2: that is invisible to you, but it doesn't mean they're
[9:22] Speaker 2: doing nothing. Then start narrating what you are doing, and
[9:27] Speaker 2: then consider calling out.
[9:29] Speaker 1: Can you be a good daughter? I'm using scare quotes
[9:33] Speaker 1: or you know, I tell it so whatever when I
[9:35] Speaker 1: say good daughter, can you be a good daughter and
[9:36] Speaker 1: still say no to your parents?
[9:40] Speaker 2: Absolutely? The best daughters say no to things that don't
[9:44] Speaker 2: serve them, don't serve the family, and recognize that all
[9:49] Speaker 2: daughtering is good daughtering and you're already enough just as
[9:52] Speaker 2: you are.
[9:53] Speaker 1: Okay, unfair for a lightning round, but I'm going to
[9:55] Speaker 1: do this anyway. Is guilt a useful emotion when it
[9:59] Speaker 1: comes to family caregiving and good daughtering?
[10:03] Speaker 2: Typically no guilt shame. Those are the boogeyman and these
[10:10] Speaker 2: ghostly rules of emotions that often lie to you. It's
[10:14] Speaker 2: much more impactful to think what's efficient effective for making
[10:19] Speaker 2: a family run, like what is needed to make this
[10:24] Speaker 2: family go? Not what should I be doing or what
[10:27] Speaker 2: kind of person should I be?
[10:29] Speaker 1: Okay, last lighting around question, and they were going to
[10:32] Speaker 1: take a quick break. This is a bit of a
[10:35] Speaker 1: tricky one. I want to sort of spin it around.
[10:36] Speaker 1: We've been talking about good daughtering, but I want to
[10:39] Speaker 1: look at it from the aging parent perspective. For just
[10:41] Speaker 1: a sick true or false most mothers recognize and appreciate
[10:45] Speaker 1: the emotional labor that their daughters do.
[10:48] Speaker 2: I'm going to have to go right in the middle
[10:50] Speaker 2: at maybe many many mothers appreciate their daughters, but still
[10:56] Speaker 2: fail to see the size and the amount of emotional
[11:02] Speaker 2: labor that their daughter is doing and the toll that
[11:05] Speaker 2: it's taking. So the mothers aren't this mean grumpy person
[11:11] Speaker 2: who's just trying to do the whip and get their
[11:14] Speaker 2: daughter to do more and more and more. They do
[11:16] Speaker 2: appreciate it, but they only have what they can see
[11:20] Speaker 2: as their benchmark. So we, as the daughters, we have
[11:24] Speaker 2: to say more about what we're doing and what it
[11:26] Speaker 2: means to us.
[11:27] Speaker 1: That was definitely not a lightning round answer, but since
[11:29] Speaker 1: it was the last one, I'm going to let you
[11:31] Speaker 1: get away with it. Okay, after the break. Dr Allison
[11:34] Speaker 1: Alfred on eldest daughter syndrome. Is it real? Is it not?
[11:38] Speaker 1: Or does it just apply to all daughters who are
[11:40] Speaker 1: trying to be good daughters? Plus, what do we do
[11:42] Speaker 1: about setting boundaries when you're feeling trapped because you are
[11:46] Speaker 1: trying to be the good daughter and there's just too
[11:48] Speaker 1: much to do. Stay with us, We're back. This is
[11:57] Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast. I'm speaking with doctor Allison Alford
[12:01] Speaker 1: from Bailey University who's written the book Good Daughtering. Fascinating conversation,
[12:05] Speaker 1: especially for a guy who it's so funny because I
[12:09] Speaker 1: don't know if good sonning like daughtering. I can actually
[12:13] Speaker 1: see that as a verb. I don't see sonning as
[12:16] Speaker 1: a verb. I don't feel like the expectations are nearly
[12:19] Speaker 1: the same. And I remember when I was doing my PhD.
[12:21] Speaker 1: The research that I saw Allison was very much that
[12:24] Speaker 1: if you are a father of daughters, you are going
[12:26] Speaker 1: to be looked after well in your old age, whereas
[12:29] Speaker 1: if you are a father of sons or a parent
[12:31] Speaker 1: of sons, you shouldn't expect too much. You're going to
[12:34] Speaker 1: kind of be flying solo quite a lot. Does the
[12:37] Speaker 1: evidence still point in that direction.
[12:39] Speaker 2: The evidence on sonning is limited, But I think sonning
[12:43] Speaker 2: is a great term to describe how men show up
[12:46] Speaker 2: in their families. But you nailed the key part of it,
[12:49] Speaker 2: which is men are just not expected to do it,
[12:52] Speaker 2: and when men do it, then they are congratulated, praised,
[12:56] Speaker 2: and it's blown out of proportion.
[12:58] Speaker 1: Well it's very very noble firm.
[13:01] Speaker 2: Yes, Well, so no to be a man who loves
[13:03] Speaker 2: his family. But a key part of what we're discussing
[13:09] Speaker 2: here is that daughtering and stunning, as I would describe it,
[13:12] Speaker 2: are starting way before you need to care for your
[13:16] Speaker 2: parent in elderhood. You're a woman in your twenties, thirties, forties, fifties,
[13:21] Speaker 2: you've been doing daughtering, and it's not just something that
[13:24] Speaker 2: sparks up as soon as your parents need a driver
[13:28] Speaker 2: when they're older. But the caregiving research, which I would
[13:32] Speaker 2: say is slightly offshoot of what I'm talking about, does
[13:37] Speaker 2: suggest that daughters do the majority of the work. But
[13:40] Speaker 2: after the idea of gender, the next most the next
[13:46] Speaker 2: biggest indicator is geography, the closest child to the parent,
[13:50] Speaker 2: And the next most important indicator is economics. Who has
[13:54] Speaker 2: the finances to help their parent? So there there's a
[13:57] Speaker 2: little more nuanced than just daughters. But if you have
[14:01] Speaker 2: four daughters, as you do, you are a lucky, blessed
[14:05] Speaker 2: man who's probably going to be well taken care of.
[14:08] Speaker 1: Yeah, well six, six, So I mean I'm gonna I'm
[14:11] Speaker 1: just said six, I know, I know. Okay, let's talk
[14:15] Speaker 1: about eldest daughter syndrome. It hit the media pretty heavily
[14:19] Speaker 1: last year. Yeah, twenty twenty five. I think it really
[14:21] Speaker 1: kind of had its moment in the sun. A double
[14:24] Speaker 1: battled question here. Number one, is eldest daughter syndrome a thing?
[14:29] Speaker 1: Is it legit? And secondly, how much does eldest daughter
[14:33] Speaker 1: syndrome or just daughtering syndrome but good daughtering apply across
[14:37] Speaker 1: the board? Is it really that different whether the eldest
[14:40] Speaker 1: or whether you're just a daughter.
[14:42] Speaker 2: So it's definitely a thing if the women who are
[14:45] Speaker 2: living in that experience say it's a thing, right, I
[14:48] Speaker 2: believe women. I believe these eldest daughters, many of whom
[14:52] Speaker 2: have been parentified in childhood, many of whom have lots
[14:56] Speaker 2: of siblings or come from immigrant families. These women are saying,
[15:00] Speaker 2: I had a particular experience in childhood and that's led
[15:03] Speaker 2: me to have these outcomes in adulthood. A lot of
[15:07] Speaker 2: what is being described, though with the eldest daughter syndrome,
[15:10] Speaker 2: I would call more oldest female child syndrome because it
[15:17] Speaker 2: had to do with being a female child and having
[15:20] Speaker 2: siblings in childhood. So the research doesn't show that birth
[15:25] Speaker 2: order impacts how much you do or don't do in
[15:28] Speaker 2: a family. But I'd never like to say that's something's
[15:31] Speaker 2: not real, because it's real. If the women who are
[15:33] Speaker 2: living it are saying this is showing up in my family,
[15:36] Speaker 2: I think we just haven't seen middle child syndrome, youngest
[15:40] Speaker 2: child syndrome, or only child syndrome come up yet with
[15:45] Speaker 2: the narrative power that the eldest daughter has. So that
[15:52] Speaker 2: is a really I think there's some nuanced ways to
[15:54] Speaker 2: investigate what women are saying when they're bringing up eldest
[15:58] Speaker 2: daughter syndrome, and then to think differently. Okay, so if
[16:03] Speaker 2: I disregard or kind of put in its place what
[16:05] Speaker 2: childhood was like, what is my life like now as
[16:08] Speaker 2: I relate to my parent, not necessarily to my siblings,
[16:12] Speaker 2: But how do I do daughtering directly in that line
[16:15] Speaker 2: between my parent and myself?
[16:17] Speaker 1: Okay, so we need to sort of move to a conclusion.
[16:21] Speaker 1: But if I'm a if I'm a daughter and I'm
[16:23] Speaker 1: listening to you talking about good daughtering, I'm thinking this
[16:26] Speaker 1: book sounds like it could be useful. But what I
[16:28] Speaker 1: really want to know is I want to set boundaries.
[16:32] Speaker 2: Right.
[16:32] Speaker 1: I feel like I'm the expectations are high, I'm being
[16:35] Speaker 1: pulled from pillar to post. I'm not getting the recognition
[16:38] Speaker 1: or the reassurance even that I'm doing the right thing,
[16:40] Speaker 1: let alone recognition for how hard I'm working. So many
[16:44] Speaker 1: daughters I'm thinking of people that I know quite close
[16:47] Speaker 1: to me now really feel trapped between what their parents
[16:51] Speaker 1: need or what their parents try to guilt them into
[16:54] Speaker 1: giving them, and what they can actually give, either because
[16:58] Speaker 1: of as you said, economics and resources or proximity to parents.
[17:02] Speaker 1: Sometimes we live a long way away now, and there's
[17:04] Speaker 1: still this expectation that if we're going to jump on
[17:07] Speaker 1: planes or go for long drives to support How do
[17:10] Speaker 1: you set boundaries as a daughter without You talked before
[17:15] Speaker 1: about guilt and not being helpful, and I really wanted
[17:17] Speaker 1: to go back and pull that in. How do you
[17:19] Speaker 1: set boundaries be a good daughter, do the stuff that
[17:24] Speaker 1: you're trying to do and want to do and have
[17:26] Speaker 1: a desire to do, but not drowning guilt. How do
[17:30] Speaker 1: you get this balance right?
[17:33] Speaker 2: First? You have to notice the invisible work. Notice your
[17:36] Speaker 2: invisible work. What am I doing in my head, in
[17:39] Speaker 2: my heart, not just with my hands and feet for
[17:43] Speaker 2: my parent Give credit to that in your life. And
[17:46] Speaker 2: of course, if you want to be a generous sibling,
[17:48] Speaker 2: you'll try to notice the ways that your siblings do
[17:50] Speaker 2: things that you don't do, and how those things might
[17:54] Speaker 2: help you with your parents, especially supporting them emotionally or
[17:59] Speaker 2: financially even if they're not around for a monthly visit.
[18:04] Speaker 2: The next thing to remember is that feeling responsible doesn't
[18:08] Speaker 2: mean you are responsible. And so there's a tension there
[18:13] Speaker 2: that can occur between adult daughters and their parents or
[18:16] Speaker 2: members of their family, and we have to allow that
[18:19] Speaker 2: tension to be there without feeling like we are the
[18:22] Speaker 2: ones who need to fix it. So lowering the expectations
[18:26] Speaker 2: and setting the cultural you know, zeitgeist for what is
[18:30] Speaker 2: a good daughter? Starts with me. Starts with me telling
[18:33] Speaker 2: myself I am a good daughter and one of the
[18:37] Speaker 2: ways that I do that. The last tip is aim
[18:40] Speaker 2: to be a B plus Okay, instead of going for
[18:44] Speaker 2: an A plus plus student, try to be a B
[18:47] Speaker 2: plus daughter and reserve some of your resources for other things,
[18:52] Speaker 2: for other people who are important, for other things in
[18:55] Speaker 2: your life that are important. It's not your job to
[18:57] Speaker 2: make your parent happy all the time. It is your
[19:01] Speaker 2: job to live in a world of balance that you
[19:04] Speaker 2: can manage, and to both participate in being a family
[19:08] Speaker 2: member but also get value back from your family. They
[19:12] Speaker 2: should be giving to you as well.
[19:13] Speaker 1: Yeah, the reciprocation, and I love that. There's a theme
[19:16] Speaker 1: you might have heard of in parenting. This a guy
[19:19] Speaker 1: called Winnicott who talked about being a good enough parent.
[19:23] Speaker 2: That's where it comes from. That is absolutely if you
[19:27] Speaker 2: can think of being a good enough mother and you know, hey,
[19:31] Speaker 2: the kid will survive, things will be happening, you can
[19:34] Speaker 2: do the same as a daughter. Hey, these folks are
[19:36] Speaker 2: going to be fine. They have each other, they have
[19:38] Speaker 2: a credit card, they have a car. You know, let
[19:41] Speaker 2: them go and you have to let some of those
[19:44] Speaker 2: things go and be satisfied that you were a B
[19:46] Speaker 2: plus daughter.
[19:47] Speaker 1: I often remind my wife when she's complaining about her
[19:51] Speaker 1: parents on mine, because let's face it, old kids complain
[19:53] Speaker 1: about their parents as their parents' age. I often remind
[19:57] Speaker 1: her that they're in their seventies, they've they've made it
[20:00] Speaker 1: this far. They'll be okay, Like, we don't have to
[20:03] Speaker 1: rescue them all the time. They're they're grown ups. They'll
[20:05] Speaker 1: they'll be okay. And that's I feel like that's being
[20:08] Speaker 1: a good enough daughter, just giving them, giving them a
[20:10] Speaker 1: bit of rope. All right, we need to wrap this up.
[20:12] Speaker 1: I've really enjoyed the conversation, Alison, thank you so much.
[20:15] Speaker 1: In some ways, I feel like that is an answer
[20:18] Speaker 1: to the last question, but I'm going to ask it anyway,
[20:20] Speaker 1: because maybe there's a tweak or something else that you
[20:22] Speaker 1: want to throw out there. But if you could give
[20:23] Speaker 1: just that one piece of advice, that one nugget for
[20:26] Speaker 1: a good daughter who's listening to this podcast right now,
[20:29] Speaker 1: right in the thick of it, and going, Okay, this
[20:31] Speaker 1: has all been really nice, But what do I do today?
[20:32] Speaker 1: What do I do now? Because I'm drowning in guild
[20:34] Speaker 1: or I'm feeling like the boundaries have just been blown away?
[20:38] Speaker 1: What would you tell her?
[20:40] Speaker 2: Being good enough isn't about doing it all. It's about
[20:43] Speaker 2: doing what is sustainable. Talk to your friends, your partners,
[20:48] Speaker 2: your loved ones, your online communities about the daughter and
[20:51] Speaker 2: you're doing, and watch your world shift with that use
[20:55] Speaker 2: of language and communication around this important.
[20:57] Speaker 1: Experience, Alison to people want more INFOWK, Can they find you.
[21:01] Speaker 2: Find me online at dotting one o one dot com
[21:04] Speaker 2: or on socials like Instagram, TikTok and Facebook at doddering
[21:08] Speaker 2: one oh one.
[21:09] Speaker 1: Beautiful. Thank you so much, doctor, Allison Alfred is the
[21:13] Speaker 1: author of the brand new book that you can find
[21:16] Speaker 1: everywhere you get books, Good Dordering, the work you've always done,
[21:20] Speaker 1: the credit you've never gotten, and how to finally feel
[21:24] Speaker 1: like enough. I really enjoyed the conversation Alison. Thanks for
[21:27] Speaker 1: being on the Happy Families podcast.
[21:29] Speaker 2: Thanks so much.
[21:30] Speaker 1: The Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
[21:33] Speaker 1: Bridge Medium. Mimammon's provides research, admin and other support. We
[21:36] Speaker 1: will link to doctor Allison Alfred's book in the show
[21:40] Speaker 1: notes so that you can get easy access to Good Daughtering.
[21:43] Speaker 1: And if you'd like more info and resources to make
[21:45] Speaker 1: your family happier, you'll find it all at happy families
[21:48] Speaker 1: dot com dot au

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