# When “I Don’t Want To” Is Really “I’m Scared”

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 19 Feb 2026, 14 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/d5cf5262-e251-4ee3-ac6f-b3ea017e4f3e/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

What if your child’s resistance isn’t laziness… but fear? In this heartfelt Friday “I’ll Do Better Tomorrow” episode of the The Happy Families Podcast, Justin and Kylie unpack a powerful parenting moment: an 11-year-old who didn’t want to try the 6am surf class — and the surprising truth behind her pushback. This episode is about competence, courage, friendship, and why slowing down might be the most important thing we do for our kids (and ourselves). If you’ve ever pushed, pulled, or panicked when your child resisted something new — this one will land. KEY POINTS • Why “I don’t want to” often masks “What if I look dumb?” • The hidden power of friendships in building confidence • How to use a “soft entry” instead of forcing commitment • The sweet spot of growth (hello, zone of proximal development) • Why parents need protected, screen-free stillness • The family lesson we forgot after COVID QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Sometimes our kids’ trepidation is less about the activity… and more about feeling incompetent.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Justin’s books and parenting resources at happyfamilies.com.au • Research behind capability, autonomy and competence (Self-Determination Theory) ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Offer a one-time trial instead of a full commitment • Look for the fear underneath the resistance • Pair new challenges with trusted friends • Protect one quiet hour this week — no screens, no rushing • Let your child grow at the edge of their capability, not beyond it See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:06] Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family Podcast. It's a Friday.
[0:08] Speaker 2: It's the twentieth of feb and that means that it's
[0:11] Speaker 2: time for us to get introspective look at what's working
[0:13] Speaker 2: and what's not working in our family so that we
[0:15] Speaker 2: can help your family to be happier. It's called O'll
[0:17] Speaker 2: do Better Tomorrow. We do it every Friday in the
[0:20] Speaker 2: pod and we're going to get very personal next. Good
[0:25] Speaker 2: a welcome for the Happy Families podcast, for Australia's most
[0:28] Speaker 2: downloaded parenting podcast, where we give you real parenting.
[0:30] Speaker 1: Solutions every single day.
[0:32] Speaker 2: We are justin and Kylie Colson and Kylie cannot stop
[0:35] Speaker 2: singing this song since last week Sez.
[0:39] Speaker 3: Come this busy place.
[1:09] Speaker 4: Really, I had no idea that it was a whole
[1:17] Speaker 4: song and he played that tiny little excerpt last week
[1:21] Speaker 4: and I honestly we've been dancing in the kitchen the kids.
[1:25] Speaker 4: The kids love it.
[1:26] Speaker 5: As soon as they heard it, the very first thing
[1:28] Speaker 5: they said was can we.
[1:29] Speaker 4: Download this off Spotify?
[1:31] Speaker 6: Yeah?
[1:31] Speaker 2: That's so far like this is actually so a huge
[1:35] Speaker 2: thank you to j R. For being so so clever.
[1:38] Speaker 2: Isn't it amazing what you can do with technology?
[1:40] Speaker 1: To amazing? So amazing and it has become.
[1:43] Speaker 5: Our I fully thought he was just going to pick
[1:45] Speaker 5: a random song and that was going to be it.
[1:47] Speaker 2: If we can get it onto Spotify, it's going to
[1:49] Speaker 2: be number one. And now Spotify wrapped in December. That's guaranteed.
[1:53] Speaker 2: So good and the kids, the kids have memorized it.
[1:55] Speaker 2: They think it's fantastic and so you're awesome. So at
[1:59] Speaker 2: the risk of going too far into podcast world and
[2:02] Speaker 2: going behind the curtain, we try to avoid this because
[2:05] Speaker 2: Kylie absolutely absolutely hates doing it. But every now and
[2:08] Speaker 2: again we will have to set something up before it's
[2:11] Speaker 2: actually being done. And that comment that Kylie made last week,
[2:15] Speaker 2: I think I need my own theme song. I just
[2:17] Speaker 2: ran with it and I said, well, I reckon, jay
[2:18] Speaker 2: I can do something. And then Kylie was like, well,
[2:20] Speaker 2: what do you do now? And I said, well, just
[2:22] Speaker 2: pretend that jay I did something and come out of
[2:23] Speaker 2: the back and go that's really cool.
[2:25] Speaker 1: And so Kylie said, that's really cool and we.
[2:27] Speaker 5: Moved on and I was totally lame because that was amazing.
[2:31] Speaker 2: So there's the real reaction, and this thing has gone
[2:35] Speaker 2: off all week in our home. It's the only song
[2:37] Speaker 2: that anybody wants to listen to the kids are singing it.
[2:40] Speaker 2: Our son in law is singing it. He's sharing it
[2:42] Speaker 2: with his neighbors, like it's gone everywhere.
[2:44] Speaker 5: And just so we're very clear, that was actually not
[2:48] Speaker 5: your Valentine's President to me, in spite of the fact
[2:51] Speaker 5: you wanted to claim it.
[2:52] Speaker 4: This was Jr's.
[2:54] Speaker 1: I'm claiming it all Jr's Kylie, All right, Kylie, it's
[3:01] Speaker 1: I be about it tomorrow.
[3:02] Speaker 2: Every Friday week pick behind the curtain of our lives
[3:04] Speaker 2: and we talked about what's working and what's not so
[3:06] Speaker 2: that other people can, I don't know, pick up on
[3:09] Speaker 2: our mistakes or our expertise and make their families happier.
[3:13] Speaker 1: You're up first today.
[3:15] Speaker 5: Last year, we had Emily enrolled in just a social
[3:18] Speaker 5: surfing lesson with a couple of other homeschool families, and
[3:22] Speaker 5: her teacher kept coming to me and letting me know
[3:25] Speaker 5: that she was actually doing really, really well and that
[3:28] Speaker 5: he couldn't cater for her level in the class she
[3:32] Speaker 5: was in because there's just such a wide range of
[3:35] Speaker 5: ages and abilities, and so he recommended that she started
[3:39] Speaker 5: the six am class, which is the grom one class,
[3:43] Speaker 5: and she was not happy. I'm not wanted to do it.
[3:47] Speaker 5: Number one, she didn't want to get up early. But
[3:48] Speaker 5: number two, well.
[3:49] Speaker 2: It's a five point thirty wake up to be at
[3:51] Speaker 2: the beach at five forty five so that you can
[3:53] Speaker 2: be in the water at six.
[3:55] Speaker 1: It's pretty hardcore for an eleven year old kid.
[3:59] Speaker 5: And so she was adamant she was not going to
[4:01] Speaker 5: go ahead with it. And she has a couple of
[4:03] Speaker 5: friends in that class and they were encouraged to do
[4:05] Speaker 5: the same thing, and they didn't want to do it either.
[4:07] Speaker 5: And finally, we kind of were trying to rebook for
[4:11] Speaker 5: the beginning of this year, and he reiterated to us
[4:15] Speaker 5: again that would be really good to put them into
[4:17] Speaker 5: an earlier class. And I talked to Emily about it,
[4:20] Speaker 5: and Emily really didn't want to do it, and finally
[4:22] Speaker 5: I just said to her, I said, look, I said,
[4:25] Speaker 5: body's actually suggesting that you are really good at this
[4:29] Speaker 5: and you could get better at it if you were
[4:31] Speaker 5: in the right class. Do you think that maybe we
[4:33] Speaker 5: could just try one? I said, we don't have to
[4:36] Speaker 5: book in for the term. You can just go along
[4:38] Speaker 5: and just give it a go. If you don't like it,
[4:40] Speaker 5: we'll go back to social surfing. Because I don't care
[4:42] Speaker 5: if you're great or not. I just want you to
[4:44] Speaker 5: enjoy it. But your teacher's telling me that he can't
[4:48] Speaker 5: give you what you need in that class. So she
[4:51] Speaker 5: actually looked at me and she said, yeah, okay, I'll
[4:53] Speaker 5: give it one go, but if I don't like it,
[4:55] Speaker 5: I'm going back to that class.
[4:56] Speaker 1: A bitter resistance.
[4:57] Speaker 5: Yeah, And the morning of I thought there was no
[5:00] Speaker 5: way she's not going to get up. She bounced out
[5:03] Speaker 5: of bed, she got dressed, we got down there. She
[5:06] Speaker 5: was really apprehensive. She was really apprehensive, and I started
[5:09] Speaker 5: to realize that a bit of her pushback was not
[5:12] Speaker 5: actually about the time slot. It was about feeling like
[5:18] Speaker 5: she wasn't competent, that she was going to be feeling
[5:20] Speaker 5: adequate in the water. And I was just watching her
[5:23] Speaker 5: like just you know, a little bit stand or fish
[5:25] Speaker 5: and a little bit shy. And the next thing, her
[5:28] Speaker 5: friends showed up. She had no idea they were coming,
[5:30] Speaker 5: and they showed up, and all of a sudden everything changed.
[5:34] Speaker 5: They got down to the water, they've got a new teacher,
[5:36] Speaker 5: and every Friday morning we jump out of bed at
[5:41] Speaker 5: five thirty am. And it's dark now, like it's still summer.
[5:45] Speaker 5: But it's still quite dark, and she heads down there
[5:48] Speaker 5: and she's doing amazing. And what I loved about this,
[5:53] Speaker 5: just this little experience with her, was that sometimes our kids'
[5:58] Speaker 5: trepidation is more about their feeling and competent or their
[6:02] Speaker 5: anxiety around a new setting, and less to do with
[6:06] Speaker 5: the activity itself. And if we can just give them
[6:09] Speaker 5: a soft entry point, not make them feel like they're
[6:12] Speaker 5: committing to something that just feels so overwhelming in the moment,
[6:16] Speaker 5: that we're going to have a much better outcome for everybody.
[6:19] Speaker 5: And I, yeah, it's been great, and I'm kind of
[6:23] Speaker 5: kicking myself. How So I've never really wanted to be
[6:27] Speaker 5: the mum that sits on the beach.
[6:29] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[6:30] Speaker 5: Can I tell you six am Friday morning is my
[6:32] Speaker 5: favorite one of the week. I really hope she keeps
[6:37] Speaker 5: us up because I am just loving that one hour
[6:40] Speaker 5: of calm in the morning.
[6:43] Speaker 2: I'll ask you how you feel about that when it's
[6:44] Speaker 2: stormy and and it's.
[6:47] Speaker 1: Old and it's autumnal winter.
[6:50] Speaker 2: A couple of quick things that I pick up when
[6:52] Speaker 2: you share that. The first is the importance of relationships.
[6:55] Speaker 2: So the fact that she's got a couple of friends
[6:56] Speaker 2: who are in the class game changer. The second thing is,
[7:01] Speaker 2: as you highlighted already, our children want to feel like
[7:05] Speaker 2: they are capable and competent. The idea that they might
[7:08] Speaker 2: show up and look dumb is really paralyzing for them
[7:13] Speaker 2: and it can really stymy their development because for.
[7:16] Speaker 5: Us, we see that stepping up as progress, you know,
[7:20] Speaker 5: where the adult and we're paying money for them to improve, and.
[7:23] Speaker 4: So we go, yay, this is so exciting.
[7:26] Speaker 1: You're progressing, and they go, oh, no, now I'm going
[7:28] Speaker 1: to look dumb.
[7:28] Speaker 5: Yes, I'm going to be at the bottom the ladder
[7:31] Speaker 5: instead of the top.
[7:32] Speaker 1: Yeah, it feels really hard.
[7:33] Speaker 2: So again, when you think about all the stuff that
[7:36] Speaker 2: forms the foundation of what we talk about on the
[7:38] Speaker 2: pod and in my books, children need to feel a
[7:40] Speaker 2: sense of capability, capacity, competence. They want to be able
[7:44] Speaker 2: to progress and master, but they don't like looking dumb.
[7:48] Speaker 1: Really.
[7:48] Speaker 5: They also need that sense of autonomy though.
[7:50] Speaker 2: They want to be able to choose for themselves, and
[7:52] Speaker 2: they really really really do well with their friends around them.
[7:55] Speaker 2: So when they're young, the best way to support their
[7:59] Speaker 2: growth development is to have them doing activities with people
[8:03] Speaker 2: that they like at a level where they're progressing, but
[8:06] Speaker 2: they feel like they're actually going okay ish, So we
[8:10] Speaker 2: want to There's this thing called the zone of proximal development,
[8:13] Speaker 2: and we want to have them just on that edge.
[8:16] Speaker 2: It's not too hard, it's not too easy, too easy,
[8:18] Speaker 2: it's boring too hard they give up. Just getting that
[8:22] Speaker 2: level right is so vitally important. And mornings on the
[8:25] Speaker 2: beach are pretty nice.
[8:26] Speaker 3: Aren't they.
[8:27] Speaker 2: Up next, My biggest learning from the last week, it's
[8:30] Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast. Stay with us.
[8:40] Speaker 6: The Magazon, the house is allowed, She's still fund a
[8:43] Speaker 6: gem tarking home, Sad had do a crack.
[8:51] Speaker 3: Screen on a phone.
[8:54] Speaker 1: We're back. This is The Happy Families Podcasts.
[8:57] Speaker 2: If you're enjoying the pod and you feel like it
[8:58] Speaker 2: makes a difference in your family, please share it with
[9:01] Speaker 2: the people around you. It makes such a difference. And
[9:04] Speaker 2: if you want to give us a five star rating
[9:05] Speaker 2: and review, we won't say no to that. It helps
[9:07] Speaker 2: people discover the podcast to make their families happy, and
[9:10] Speaker 2: that's why we're here, all right, kylie My, i'lder better tomorrow.
[9:13] Speaker 2: Bit of a tough one for me because I've been
[9:15] Speaker 2: gone all week. I've been in Sydney.
[9:17] Speaker 5: It's a bit of an age old story when it
[9:18] Speaker 5: comes to you, isn't that.
[9:19] Speaker 2: This is what happens, this is the life that we've chosen.
[9:22] Speaker 2: It's really I'm kind of like the I'm kind of
[9:25] Speaker 2: like the builder who has about fifteen unfinished projects around
[9:28] Speaker 2: his house. I'm the parenting expert who is not home
[9:30] Speaker 2: often enough to be really well. I'm really good at
[9:34] Speaker 2: telling people what they should do. It's just that I
[9:36] Speaker 2: don't often have the opportunity to practice at myself. So
[9:39] Speaker 2: this week I spent some time at North Home Grammar
[9:41] Speaker 2: in Sydney's Northwest. On Monday, I was at inner Borough
[9:44] Speaker 2: School in Sydney's South On Tuesday, I was at Penrith
[9:48] Speaker 2: Anglican on Wednesday. On Thursday I was at Thomas Hassel
[9:51] Speaker 2: in the southwest of Sydney, and then on Friday I
[9:54] Speaker 2: did a corporate event for a big accountancy firm in
[9:56] Speaker 2: Sydney as well, with a magnificent venue at the rocks
[9:59] Speaker 2: under the the bridge, looking out of the water and
[10:01] Speaker 2: just thinking I've got the best job in the world.
[10:03] Speaker 5: Meantime, I was in the kitchen and then the laundry.
[10:06] Speaker 5: I was out at the washing line. Back in the kitchen, I.
[10:08] Speaker 1: Found a really good restaurant.
[10:11] Speaker 2: Sorry ah, anyway, so I'll do better tomorrow is twofold.
[10:19] Speaker 2: First off, last Friday, I was home and I got
[10:21] Speaker 2: to sit on the beach with you for.
[10:22] Speaker 1: That hour, and I thought, we need more of this
[10:25] Speaker 1: in our lives. Everyone.
[10:26] Speaker 2: If it's not just you and I, but every parent
[10:28] Speaker 2: needs a quiet hour where they're not distracted by phones
[10:31] Speaker 2: and screens. They're not distracted by the washing line or
[10:34] Speaker 2: the dishwasher or the kitchen sink. They're not distracted by anything.
[10:37] Speaker 2: They're literally just in place, present and enjoying a natural
[10:43] Speaker 2: environment while they watch their children thrive and flourish and
[10:46] Speaker 2: have fun. To me, that is the essence of what it's.
[10:50] Speaker 2: That's the whole shooting match, and we just keep on
[10:52] Speaker 2: missing it. In COVID, everyone said we're going to slow down.
[10:55] Speaker 2: This is how it's supposed to be. It feels really nice.
[10:57] Speaker 2: I feel like we're getting back to what family life
[10:59] Speaker 2: is because we're all at home and we're having this
[11:01] Speaker 2: time together, and we have completely forgotten any lessons that
[11:05] Speaker 2: COVID taught us. When it comes to that, we're all
[11:07] Speaker 2: running around from pillar to post. The pressure is on.
[11:10] Speaker 2: There is way too much happening and Kylie. It's not
[11:14] Speaker 2: good for our kids, it's not good for our families.
[11:17] Speaker 2: It's a really, really, really hard thing. And as I
[11:19] Speaker 2: sat there on the beach beside you, when we watched
[11:21] Speaker 2: Emily surf on Friday morning, I just thought more of
[11:24] Speaker 2: this police and then I got on a plane and
[11:26] Speaker 2: went away for a week. So my older better tomorrow
[11:30] Speaker 2: is to the extent that your schedule allows it, because
[11:33] Speaker 2: we all have difficulties with our schedules. We've all got
[11:35] Speaker 2: early starts or fly and fly out work, or travel commitments,
[11:39] Speaker 2: or late night meetings or work that has to be
[11:42] Speaker 2: done after dinner. Because life is like that sometimes, like
[11:44] Speaker 2: we're all doing our stuff, or sometimes we're single parents
[11:47] Speaker 2: or going through a relationship breakdown and nothing is working.
[11:52] Speaker 2: Find those small moments, even if it's sitting on the
[11:55] Speaker 2: back deck with a kappa and looking at the trees
[11:58] Speaker 2: or looking at the clouds, lay on the trampoline with
[12:01] Speaker 2: the kids. Those moments matter. Slowing it down is I
[12:05] Speaker 2: think part of the key to a rich.
[12:08] Speaker 1: Rich life.
[12:09] Speaker 2: That's my alder bed it tomorrow. It's all I've got,
[12:11] Speaker 2: But I will be back. I'm home almost all this
[12:14] Speaker 2: coming week, so I'll have a really great, older better
[12:17] Speaker 2: tomorrow that shows that I remember my children's names and
[12:19] Speaker 2: spend time with them.
[12:19] Speaker 5: Next week, I can't wait to hear.
[12:22] Speaker 2: The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
[12:25] Speaker 2: Bridge Media.
[12:26] Speaker 1: Justin, we love your work.
[12:29] Speaker 2: Mim Habits provides research, admin and other support. Have a
[12:32] Speaker 2: great weekend, everyone, and for more info about making your
[12:35] Speaker 2: family happier.
[12:35] Speaker 1: Visit us at Happy families dot com dot.
[12:37] Speaker 6: Au Jeus Cai Cauri Coulson turning kaoson to Grace Building
[12:48] Speaker 6: has one big busy please.
[13:00] Speaker 3: You two sideling stuff. She said you're already loved just
[13:09] Speaker 6: A yeah, and they believe her in their hearts

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