# Raising Capable Kids Without Constant Control

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 23 Apr 2026, 15 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/fcbf8188-14f4-41a1-a707-b41f008de042/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

You’re doing everything “right”… so why is it making things worse? In this honest and vulnerable episode, Justin shares a parenting tension many of us feel but rarely admit: knowing what matters for our kids - like time, productivity, and healthy habits - but completely missing the mark in how we teach it. Because when good intentions turn into constant correction, something breaks. And it’s usually connection. If you’ve ever felt the urge to push harder… only to be met with resistance, this episode will help you rethink what actually works. KEY POINTS • Why being “right” doesn’t mean your approach is working • How constant correction quietly damages connection • The hidden cost of becoming the “enforcer” in your child’s life • Why kids can’t learn self-regulation if we’re always controlling them • The power of small, everyday moments to rebuild family connection • Why repair - not perfection - is the real goal in family relationships QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Am I helping them… or just making them feel like they’re not enough?” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Pre-order Boys now ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Swap one correction today for a moment of connection • Notice when “helping” starts to feel like pressure • Let your child sit in the natural consequences of their choices (within reason) • Create simple, shared moments (a movie, a meal, a walk) that bring you back together • Practice repair: model how to apologise, reconnect, and move forward See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast an Zac
[0:09] Speaker 1: Day tomorrow. Hopefully today's episode is going to help you
[0:12] Speaker 1: to sail through the weekend and make your family sale.
[0:15] Speaker 1: Am I am? I trying to hard? Start trying, so
[0:19] Speaker 1: I'm compensating, you know why, because I have a confession.
[0:22] Speaker 1: Today's I'll do better tomorrow episode. I'm just getting some
[0:27] Speaker 1: stuff wrong at the moment. I'm wrong. I'm right, but
[0:30] Speaker 1: I'm wrong in that I'm right. Does that make sense?
[0:32] Speaker 1: Sometimes as a parent, you put in an impossible position
[0:35] Speaker 1: where you know that what you're saying is right, but
[0:37] Speaker 1: it's still not working anyway. I need to unpack that.
[0:41] Speaker 1: This is going to be my very special therapy session today, Kylie.
[0:44] Speaker 1: You've got more good news about how families can work
[0:47] Speaker 1: well and we're going to unpack that right after this. Hello,
[0:54] Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get real
[0:57] Speaker 1: parenting solutions every single day where Australia is my downloaded
[1:00] Speaker 1: parenting podcast, and we thank you so much for chiming in, listening,
[1:04] Speaker 1: in being part of what we do here. My name
[1:06] Speaker 1: is doctor Justin Courson, who with my wife from Under
[1:08] Speaker 1: Our six Kids, Kylie, Misusappy Families and hun you're up
[1:12] Speaker 1: first today, because yours is the good news story. Mine
[1:15] Speaker 1: is the oh my goodness, the parenting expert is still
[1:17] Speaker 1: struggling to get this right stuff. Where do you want
[1:20] Speaker 1: to go with your old do better tomorrow today?
[1:24] Speaker 2: I am blown away with how many conversations I've had
[1:28] Speaker 2: of late of families who are just really struggling challenges with,
[1:35] Speaker 2: you know, kind of an unwillingness to forgive let go.
[1:39] Speaker 1: So when you say families are struggling, you're actually not
[1:40] Speaker 1: talking about parents and children in the family that you've
[1:44] Speaker 1: created with your own kids. You're talking about families where
[1:48] Speaker 1: brothers and sisters who are adults are struggling with each
[1:50] Speaker 1: other or with their parents who are our grandparents, right
[1:53] Speaker 1: like the adult side of the family.
[1:56] Speaker 2: And the common theme that I keep hearing is I
[2:02] Speaker 2: never thought our family would find themselves in this position.
[2:07] Speaker 2: You know, when we kind of look back at the
[2:09] Speaker 2: lives that we've had and the experiences that we've shared together,
[2:13] Speaker 2: there just was so much joy and closeness that it's
[2:17] Speaker 2: hard to imagine that they'd found themselves in this place.
[2:21] Speaker 2: And it just got me thinking about the things that
[2:24] Speaker 2: we do in our own family. You and I and
[2:28] Speaker 2: the way in which we bring our kids together. And
[2:33] Speaker 2: this week we had a little bit of a milestone
[2:35] Speaker 2: in our house. Our baby turned twelve.
[2:38] Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, I know.
[2:41] Speaker 2: And the kids actually created this tradition all on their own.
[2:46] Speaker 2: We don't know how it started me, but when they
[2:49] Speaker 2: turned twelve, twelve, when they turned twelve, their sisters all
[2:57] Speaker 2: come together so that they can watch She's the Man.
[3:02] Speaker 1: Yeah, which is a movie that I don't need to
[3:04] Speaker 1: ever see again. But the kids watch it and they
[3:08] Speaker 1: crack all the big kids.
[3:09] Speaker 2: They know all the lines. We had so much fun
[3:12] Speaker 2: watching it together and introducing it to Emily. And in
[3:17] Speaker 2: all seriousness, it's a nothing moment. It's a nothing moment.
[3:21] Speaker 2: There's nothing particularly special about that movie and this moment
[3:28] Speaker 2: in time.
[3:28] Speaker 1: It's just the kids sitting around watching a movie to
[3:30] Speaker 1: celebrate someone's birthday.
[3:32] Speaker 2: But it is special.
[3:33] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[3:33] Speaker 2: And that's the crazy thing. There's nothing in it and
[3:36] Speaker 2: yet there's everything in it. And as I have talked
[3:39] Speaker 2: with our children over and over again, so the thing is,
[3:43] Speaker 2: in family life, it's really messy, right, It gets really
[3:46] Speaker 2: messy at times, and sometimes it actually looks downright ugly,
[3:50] Speaker 2: and we have these little spats with each other and
[3:52] Speaker 2: we get upset, and then we come together for family dinner,
[3:55] Speaker 2: and then we go away and we deviate a little
[3:57] Speaker 2: bit and we have some more spats, and then we
[3:59] Speaker 2: come back for a birthday tradition, and then we go
[4:02] Speaker 2: away and things get a little bit messy again, and
[4:04] Speaker 2: then we come back. It's just it's this realignment. Every
[4:07] Speaker 2: time we pull each other together, we realign and restate
[4:11] Speaker 2: without having to say the words what our family values
[4:15] Speaker 2: are and what we hope for and want for in
[4:18] Speaker 2: our family. And as we went through the Easter weekend,
[4:23] Speaker 2: it just gave me some time to think about those
[4:27] Speaker 2: little moments where you and I help the children and
[4:31] Speaker 2: help our family in general recalibrate.
[4:34] Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a conversation that we've had a number of
[4:37] Speaker 1: times on the pod that bears repeating here. It ties
[4:39] Speaker 1: in perfectly with what you're describing, and that is that, yes,
[4:43] Speaker 1: it's really important to help the kids to learn how
[4:44] Speaker 1: to get along. But there will invariably be offense given
[4:50] Speaker 1: and taken. There will invariably be somebody who is upset
[4:53] Speaker 1: by something, and the most effective thing that we can
[4:56] Speaker 1: do as parents is to teach the power of effective repair.
[5:01] Speaker 1: Right so teaching someone how to say sorry, how to
[5:06] Speaker 1: repent to their brother or sister, how to literally say
[5:09] Speaker 1: I got it wrong and I need to fix this.
[5:11] Speaker 1: I need to make this right, because my relationship with
[5:13] Speaker 1: you is more important than my pride over this particular issue.
[5:16] Speaker 1: It's the repair and then the breakdown, and then the repair,
[5:21] Speaker 1: this cycle that goes on and on and on. Teaching
[5:24] Speaker 1: them how to repair well is that, I think one
[5:26] Speaker 1: of the most critical and valuable secrets to a happy family.
[5:30] Speaker 2: And so when I think back to these conversations that
[5:32] Speaker 2: I am having more regularly than I would like to
[5:36] Speaker 2: have with people who are just devastated by the contention
[5:43] Speaker 2: and distance that has been created in their own families,
[5:48] Speaker 2: the one thing that I hold on to within our
[5:52] Speaker 2: own little family is the fact that you can't take
[5:55] Speaker 2: a holiday from family life right as much as you
[5:58] Speaker 2: want to. When it gets messy in it gets hard,
[6:01] Speaker 2: Sometimes we wish we could just pack our bags and
[6:03] Speaker 2: leave it all behind. But it's about the recalibration, and
[6:08] Speaker 2: it's about coming back to each other time and time again.
[6:10] Speaker 2: It's about the intention of finding these little nothing moments
[6:15] Speaker 2: and creating something magical out of them that helps to
[6:20] Speaker 2: literally weave hundreds and hundreds of threads of togetherness and
[6:26] Speaker 2: love and connection that hopefully bind us together forever.
[6:34] Speaker 1: So well said, hopefully this weekend, we'll give everybody loads
[6:37] Speaker 1: of opportunities to do that. It's a great chance to
[6:41] Speaker 1: breathe and connect and do exactly that. After the break
[6:43] Speaker 1: my I'll do better tomorrow where I keep on stepping
[6:47] Speaker 1: in it, and as the parenting expert, I know better.
[6:51] Speaker 1: But I'm dealing with a tension that I don't know
[6:54] Speaker 1: how to grapple with effectively, and I'm going to try
[6:57] Speaker 1: and break it down on the pod that's next. We're back.
[7:08] Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast. All right, Kylie. So
[7:10] Speaker 1: here's the confession. Over the last couple of weeks, I've
[7:13] Speaker 1: been a bit of a task master, probably more than
[7:16] Speaker 1: a bit of a task master. I've been on the
[7:18] Speaker 1: kid's case about productivity. Stop wasting time, get off the screen,
[7:23] Speaker 1: do something useful. When you tell me you're going to
[7:25] Speaker 1: clean up the kitchen, white, don't you clean up the
[7:27] Speaker 1: whole kitchen? Why do you only put six things away?
[7:29] Speaker 1: And then you get distracted and I can feel the
[7:31] Speaker 1: tension that's creating, and it seems as though nobody else
[7:35] Speaker 1: in the house thinks that these things are as important
[7:37] Speaker 1: as I do. But to me, these things feel warranted
[7:42] Speaker 1: because I look at them gaming or staring at a
[7:44] Speaker 1: screen doing nothing, and I feel this urgency like, hello,
[7:50] Speaker 1: you are wasting your life. Do you know what I mean.
[7:55] Speaker 1: It's a beautiful day. We live not too far away
[7:58] Speaker 1: from the beach, and I'm sort of looking at the
[8:00] Speaker 1: kids and going, why would you be sitting here in
[8:03] Speaker 1: your bedroom, in the dining room, in the living room,
[8:04] Speaker 1: wherever you are, doing nothing when you can go outside
[8:08] Speaker 1: and you can enjoy the sunshine. The water is beautiful
[8:10] Speaker 1: because we live in Queensland and there's you can still
[8:13] Speaker 1: wear your regular swimmers in the water. We've got a
[8:16] Speaker 1: swimming pool in the backyard.
[8:18] Speaker 2: Ah.
[8:18] Speaker 1: And it just drives me crazy. And I know where
[8:21] Speaker 1: this comes from because it's how I was raised and
[8:24] Speaker 1: it's also how I live. I don't have time to
[8:27] Speaker 1: sit around and do nothing. There's always, always, always, not
[8:30] Speaker 1: just something to do, dozens of things to do. My
[8:34] Speaker 1: list is expanding, and there's always something to improve, and
[8:38] Speaker 1: there's always something to build, whether it's a workshop or
[8:41] Speaker 1: a book chapter or a newsletter or whatever. And so
[8:46] Speaker 1: this week, I've been asking myself, am I helping them?
[8:49] Speaker 1: Or or am I just making them feel like they're
[8:51] Speaker 1: not enough? And you've certainly been helping me to ask
[8:53] Speaker 1: that question.
[8:54] Speaker 2: When I hear sharing so often. So much of the
[8:58] Speaker 2: conflict that we have speaking personally in our home actually
[9:04] Speaker 2: comes from this desire to connect with goodness. You're seeing
[9:09] Speaker 2: the kids not utilizing the gear, that they're in zombie mode,
[9:14] Speaker 2: that they're in zombie mode, and outside if they just
[9:16] Speaker 2: went in touch grass, swim in the water, got some sunshine.
[9:20] Speaker 1: Like I look at them when they're miserable and cranky
[9:22] Speaker 1: and angry, and I'm like, if you would just go
[9:23] Speaker 1: and move your body, if you just go and be
[9:25] Speaker 1: a human instead of being a zombie, you would feel
[9:28] Speaker 1: so much better.
[9:30] Speaker 2: Right, But there's this tension with the whole idea of
[9:33] Speaker 2: force creates resistance. Right, So as soon as your good
[9:38] Speaker 2: intention feels like a forced expectation placed on them, then
[9:44] Speaker 2: the natural response from anyone, regardless of whether they're a child,
[9:50] Speaker 2: a teenager, or an adult.
[9:52] Speaker 1: Is you can't tell me what to do, yes, pushback.
[9:55] Speaker 2: I'm not doing that.
[9:56] Speaker 1: So I've seen this is that there are two compeding realities.
[10:01] Speaker 1: Are truths. It's truth too strong Wood Number one, I'm
[10:04] Speaker 1: not wrong to care about this, Like screens are addictive,
[10:07] Speaker 1: gaming can be a black hole, and there is something
[10:10] Speaker 1: valuable to be learned from being productive and managing your
[10:14] Speaker 1: time and using your hours well, like living a life
[10:16] Speaker 1: well lived. I'm right about that. And I want the
[10:19] Speaker 1: kids to understand, to really get it in their bones,
[10:22] Speaker 1: that their time is finite. And I know that that's
[10:25] Speaker 1: a really big concept for a child to grasp, but
[10:28] Speaker 1: how you spend your time matters, and sitting and scrolling
[10:32] Speaker 1: for hours, especially when there are other things that you
[10:34] Speaker 1: could be learning or creating or contributing. It's not neutral.
[10:38] Speaker 1: It's a choice. They've got their guitar and the piano
[10:41] Speaker 1: and the drums, they've got the resources, and I don't
[10:44] Speaker 1: think that it's wrong to teach them about that. It's
[10:46] Speaker 1: not even about maximization and productivity. It's just about teaching
[10:49] Speaker 1: them good things. But the contrust is that the way
[10:53] Speaker 1: I'm doing it, as you've said, isn't working because when
[10:55] Speaker 1: I'm constantly on them about it, and when i'm the
[10:59] Speaker 1: screen police, and when i'm I don't know, when every
[11:02] Speaker 1: interaction feels like I am critiquing how they live their lives.
[11:07] Speaker 1: They're not learning self regulation. What they're learning, realistically is
[11:12] Speaker 1: to resent me. So the irony of my approach is
[11:15] Speaker 1: that I'm actually underminding the very thing that I'm trying
[11:18] Speaker 1: to teach them. I want them to manage their own time,
[11:21] Speaker 1: and yet I'm the enforcer, which means they never get
[11:23] Speaker 1: to develop the skill that I want them to develop
[11:25] Speaker 1: because I'm the one that's making them go and do it.
[11:27] Speaker 1: If that makes sense. That's the tension.
[11:29] Speaker 2: Well, I feel like this has been a really good session.
[11:32] Speaker 1: Justine, I'm not finished. I've got more to unpack. How
[11:36] Speaker 1: long have I got? So, Kylie, here's the friction. This
[11:39] Speaker 1: is what I'm sitting with. It's really, really, really important
[11:43] Speaker 1: to learn how to manage your time and resist the
[11:45] Speaker 1: pull of endless distraction and choose how you spend your hours.
[11:49] Speaker 1: That's one of the most important things I think we
[11:51] Speaker 1: can teach the kids. What is it that you want
[11:53] Speaker 1: to say? It looks like you're about to pop and
[11:55] Speaker 1: I don't want to back off, right, What is it?
[11:57] Speaker 1: What does it say?
[11:58] Speaker 2: It? Say it you're wanting them to learn a skill
[12:03] Speaker 2: as a fifteen year old or a twelve year old
[12:06] Speaker 2: or even a twenty two year old that you yourself
[12:11] Speaker 2: are learning as a fully functioning, growing up adult who's
[12:17] Speaker 2: had so many years to work this out for themselves.
[12:21] Speaker 2: And that's such a big challenge for us as parents
[12:24] Speaker 2: because we see our kids doing this stuff and we're like,
[12:27] Speaker 2: I know so much better. Like if you had just
[12:29] Speaker 2: listened to me, you don't have to go through all
[12:30] Speaker 2: the years of wading through the wilderness trying to work
[12:33] Speaker 2: it out. I've got the answer, right. But we actually
[12:37] Speaker 2: learn through doing, and maybe they have to actually sit
[12:41] Speaker 2: in that crappy place for a little bit longer before
[12:43] Speaker 2: they go Aha.
[12:44] Speaker 1: I look at me as a teenager, and I spent
[12:47] Speaker 1: so much time in front of the TV and so
[12:48] Speaker 1: much time in front of the very ordinary video games
[12:51] Speaker 1: that we had back in the nineteen eighties and the
[12:53] Speaker 1: early nineties, and I get it, and yet I don't.
[13:00] Speaker 1: This is the thing, this is the great challenge.
[13:02] Speaker 2: You're no longer there.
[13:03] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, So let's wrap this up. Our time's done,
[13:07] Speaker 1: And I don't want to turn this into an hour
[13:09] Speaker 1: long therapy session. There is value in teaching kids a
[13:12] Speaker 1: time matters, that how you spend your hours shape who
[13:16] Speaker 1: you're going to become. I think that's a reasonable thing.
[13:19] Speaker 1: Productivity and purpose are going to help you to make
[13:22] Speaker 1: the most of your life. This is something that is
[13:23] Speaker 1: worth caring about. But like you said, force creates resistance,
[13:29] Speaker 1: and my insight here, I'll do better tomorrow. My struggle
[13:33] Speaker 1: is that I'm so focused on enforcing it that I've
[13:38] Speaker 1: turned it into a source of tension, and that doesn't
[13:41] Speaker 1: help anyone.
[13:43] Speaker 2: And if we look at the core, the actual core
[13:47] Speaker 2: route is that all they hear is that nothing they're
[13:52] Speaker 2: doing is good enough, which means that you're constantly correcting
[13:56] Speaker 2: instead of connecting. And if you value those things, than
[14:03] Speaker 2: the very best thing we can do as parents to
[14:06] Speaker 2: help them recognize that is to find a way to
[14:09] Speaker 2: connect in that space with them.
[14:11] Speaker 1: Which means doing things together and continuing to just step
[14:14] Speaker 1: through it gently and.
[14:16] Speaker 2: Letting go of the two much to do busy list.
[14:21] Speaker 1: Yeah, sometimes life is just like that anyway. Thanks for
[14:24] Speaker 1: letting me get that out, Thanks for listening, Thanks for
[14:27] Speaker 1: smiling at me and persisting with me as I have
[14:30] Speaker 1: my struggles with the maximization, optimization, productivization of life that
[14:35] Speaker 1: we try to push onto our kids. We hope that
[14:37] Speaker 1: this conversation helps you to do better tomorrow enjoy your
[14:41] Speaker 1: weekend across the ANZAC weekend. The Happy Families podcast is
[14:45] Speaker 1: produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media and Mim Hammonds
[14:47] Speaker 1: provides our additional research and other support. If you would
[14:50] Speaker 1: like more information to make your family happier, especially in
[14:53] Speaker 1: relation to our brand new Boys book, It's coming out
[14:56] Speaker 1: on June sixteen. You can pre order it now and
[14:58] Speaker 1: get twenty seven percent off at booktopia dot com dot AU.
[15:03] Speaker 1: More resources at Happy Families dot com dot A.
[15:06] Speaker 2: M HM

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