# Big Emotions Parent's Aren't Cool

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 20 Apr 2026, 14 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/12e46bf7-59c7-408d-a63b-b41f008d8484/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

Your child refuses to leave the house… melts down over their hair… or acts defiant when you show up. Is it anxiety, attitude… or something deeper? In this episode, we unpack what’s really going on when big emotions collide with growing independence - and how to respond in a way that actually helps (not escalates). If your child suddenly thinks you’re “cringe”… this one’s for you. KEY POINTS • Big emotions ≠ bad behaviour (and why labels matter) • The hidden link between anxiety, overwhelm, and defiance • The difference between autonomy and “doing whatever they want” • Why kids reject parents in public (and what it really means) • How misaligned parenting can amplify emotional struggles • A simple framework to get on the same page as your partner • The power of collaborative problem-solving (instead of control) QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Autonomy isn’t freedom — it’s helping kids make thoughtful, values-based choices.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • The “What’s working / What’s not / What next” parenting check-in • The “Three E’s” collaborative problem-solving approach ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Pause before labelling behaviour — ask: what’s underneath this? • Have a calm check-in with your partner: what’s working, what’s not, what next • Get curious with your child instead of offering solutions • Ask: “Help me understand why this feels hard” • Co-create a plan your child actually agrees with • Find small, respectful ways to stay connected — even when they push you away See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Every Tuesday
[0:09] Speaker 1: on the pod we answer your tricky questions and today
[0:11] Speaker 1: we've got one about a child who's anxious doesn't like
[0:14] Speaker 1: a parent's being around because parents aren't cool. There's parenting
[0:17] Speaker 1: on the same page. There's a little bit of everything
[0:20] Speaker 1: in today's tricky question and we can't wait to answer
[0:23] Speaker 1: that question next. Stay with us. Hello, welcome to the
[0:28] Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast, where you get real parenting solutions every
[0:30] Speaker 1: single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We
[0:34] Speaker 1: are Justin and Kylie Colson. We're excited to answer another
[0:37] Speaker 1: listener question today. If you have a tricky question, just
[0:39] Speaker 1: jump online to Happy Families dot com dot A. You
[0:41] Speaker 1: go to our super simple system where you press the
[0:44] Speaker 1: record button and start talking. Let us know what's on
[0:46] Speaker 1: your mind and we will do our very best to
[0:47] Speaker 1: answer questions about family relationships, wellbeing, screens, discipline, pocket money, bedtime,
[0:54] Speaker 1: fussy eating. It's a long list and anything that we
[0:57] Speaker 1: haven't thought of. You can check it at us as well. Also,
[1:00] Speaker 1: if you don't want to use the website, send us
[1:01] Speaker 1: a voice note to podcasts at happy families dot com
[1:05] Speaker 1: dot AU. Here is today's tricky question from Loretta Hi.
[1:09] Speaker 2: I was wondering if you could speak about the difference
[1:12] Speaker 2: between big emotions, particularly around anxiety, poor behavior, particularly around
[1:19] Speaker 2: defiance and disobedience, and developing autonomy in an environment where
[1:27] Speaker 2: the ten year old is becoming much more socially aware
[1:30] Speaker 2: and parents are no longer cool, and how each of
[1:35] Speaker 2: those are managed. For example, with the big emotions, our
[1:40] Speaker 2: daughter will often be quite anxious about how she looks
[1:43] Speaker 2: her hair or what she's wearing, and as a consequence,
[1:47] Speaker 2: she might be ready, almost ready to walk out the
[1:49] Speaker 2: door and then just can't go. So the developing autonomy
[1:55] Speaker 2: and social awareness is more around events such as sporting
[1:59] Speaker 2: events or school assemblies, where I have always asked her
[2:04] Speaker 2: whether she wants me to come, and if I do come,
[2:06] Speaker 2: how does she want that to go? Does she want
[2:08] Speaker 2: me to step the back and pretend I'm not there?
[2:10] Speaker 2: Or can I sit in the front row and can
[2:11] Speaker 2: I wave to her? Can I go and say hi
[2:13] Speaker 2: and give her hud? How does she want to play
[2:15] Speaker 2: that out? My husband doesn't do that so much, and
[2:18] Speaker 2: usually when he goes to things here, will just go
[2:21] Speaker 2: up to her and he'll want a photo and things,
[2:23] Speaker 2: and she will just think that's cringe worthy. But when
[2:27] Speaker 2: she doesn't want him to come there, he will want
[2:31] Speaker 2: to discipline her and give a consequence.
[2:34] Speaker 1: Okay, Kylie, So as soon as I hear this conversation,
[2:36] Speaker 1: the first thing that I want to highlight is somebody
[2:38] Speaker 1: feeling a bit anxious about things, Like the way that
[2:40] Speaker 1: they look doesn't mean that they have anxiety. And it's
[2:42] Speaker 1: really important that we don't over stigmatize or go too
[2:45] Speaker 1: far with labels. Here, we've got a ten year old
[2:47] Speaker 1: girl who is starting to become socially aware and wants
[2:50] Speaker 1: to make sure that she's getting the stuff right that
[2:53] Speaker 1: matters to her. And as she starts to get a
[2:57] Speaker 1: little bit antsy about it, starts to feel a little
[2:59] Speaker 1: bit anxious about it, she stops thinking straight, which means
[3:03] Speaker 1: that she responds with defiance. And then there's this question
[3:06] Speaker 1: of well, how much autonomy do we give our child.
[3:09] Speaker 1: A lot of parents think that autonomy is freedom. It's
[3:10] Speaker 1: not the same thing. Freedom is carte blanche, do what
[3:13] Speaker 1: you want. Autonomy is let's work out what matters most
[3:15] Speaker 1: here so that you can make choiceful decisions and act
[3:18] Speaker 1: in a way that you can identify as valuable and
[3:20] Speaker 1: right for the situation. That's a lot that I've just
[3:22] Speaker 1: said there, But really what I'm getting out of much
[3:26] Speaker 1: of this conversation is this is a discussion about emotion
[3:29] Speaker 1: regulation for a ten year old, which is starting to
[3:33] Speaker 1: get a lot better than it has been, but there's
[3:34] Speaker 1: still some growth there for ten year olds that's developmentally normal.
[3:38] Speaker 1: I think also working out a problem solving solution with
[3:41] Speaker 1: your daughter when things are challenging, whether it's at school
[3:44] Speaker 1: or whether it's the other stuff that was discussed, or
[3:48] Speaker 1: Loretta being on the same page as a husband. So
[3:50] Speaker 1: for me, they're the central themes that came out of
[3:52] Speaker 1: that question.
[3:53] Speaker 3: Let's start with same page parenting, because I think that
[3:56] Speaker 3: unless we can actually get this part right, the other
[4:00] Speaker 3: part's really tricky to navigate.
[4:02] Speaker 1: When parents are aligned, it gives it's just better leadership,
[4:05] Speaker 1: like the kids say, oh, Okay, this is the way
[4:07] Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be going. You and I had an
[4:09] Speaker 1: incident just recently where I made a call. You didn't
[4:11] Speaker 1: necessarily agree with me, but you also knew that if
[4:13] Speaker 1: we weren't aligned that it wasn't going to work out well,
[4:16] Speaker 1: and therefore you got behind me. You backed me and
[4:20] Speaker 1: that made a difference. So getting on the same page
[4:22] Speaker 1: is going to be essential here, and when I.
[4:24] Speaker 3: Listen to what's going on, neither parent is nailing this
[4:29] Speaker 3: right now. I think that there is some middle ground
[4:32] Speaker 3: that could be found if both parties were willing to
[4:36] Speaker 3: explore what that might look like.
[4:39] Speaker 1: Parenting just tests you so much.
[4:41] Speaker 3: It tests you, stretches you.
[4:43] Speaker 1: Constantly, all right, So when it comes to getting on
[4:45] Speaker 1: the same page as your partner. We've got a formula
[4:48] Speaker 1: that we've talked about a lot on the podcast. Will
[4:49] Speaker 1: keep it brief, but it's tried and true and lots
[4:52] Speaker 1: of families have worked with it and found that it's
[4:53] Speaker 1: made a massive difference. It's where you sit down as
[4:56] Speaker 1: a couple and say what's working and what isn't and
[5:00] Speaker 1: what should we work on together. There's no finger pointing
[5:02] Speaker 1: when you say what's not working. It's not like, well,
[5:04] Speaker 1: you keep on losing your patience and blah blah blah.
[5:06] Speaker 1: What you say instead is well, when these big emotions
[5:10] Speaker 1: come out of our daughter, it's hard for both of
[5:12] Speaker 1: us to really regulate ourselves well. And that seems to
[5:15] Speaker 1: be creating even bigger challenges. So what's the way forward?
[5:18] Speaker 1: How can we step into that with more intention together?
[5:22] Speaker 1: How can we support each other to be more intentional
[5:23] Speaker 1: around our daughter's emotional dysregulation. That's a much more productive
[5:27] Speaker 1: conversation than me saying, well, Kylie, what's working is I'm awesome,
[5:30] Speaker 1: and what's not working is you're getting it wrong and
[5:33] Speaker 1: what needs fixing it you. That's unproductive, right, Nobody likes
[5:37] Speaker 1: those kinds of conversations.
[5:39] Speaker 3: But the reality is, while ever there's instability in the
[5:42] Speaker 3: way we come together, we actually in part create some
[5:47] Speaker 3: of the anxiety our child feels because they're experiencing the
[5:50] Speaker 3: world through two different.
[5:53] Speaker 1: Yeah, people, like I said, it's about parental leadership. Can
[5:55] Speaker 1: we be aligned? Can we work on this together? Weekly
[5:59] Speaker 1: discussions times, even more frequently, go for a walk once
[6:01] Speaker 1: the kids are in bed, walk the dog if you've
[6:03] Speaker 1: got one, and just say, hey, can we do a
[6:05] Speaker 1: quick check in how did you think today when here's
[6:07] Speaker 1: what I'm seeing? What do you think? Am I right?
[6:09] Speaker 1: Or am I wrong? Having that relational humility where you say,
[6:12] Speaker 1: my perception's this, but I might be getting this wrong.
[6:15] Speaker 1: So I've often said to you when you did that,
[6:19] Speaker 1: it made me feel like this is what was going on?
[6:22] Speaker 1: For you, Am I getting that right? Or am I
[6:25] Speaker 1: completely misreading this? And you're always much nicer to me
[6:27] Speaker 1: when I do that then when I say I hate
[6:29] Speaker 1: it when you bluh, because there's that humility as in,
[6:34] Speaker 1: I'm recognizing that my perception feels right for me, but
[6:37] Speaker 1: it might not be right. So getting alignment together to
[6:41] Speaker 1: me is the number one thing.
[6:42] Speaker 3: And if we can understand the underlying generally speaking, when
[6:47] Speaker 3: as parents we're not getting it right, it's usually an
[6:50] Speaker 3: underlying fear. If we can get to the bottom of
[6:53] Speaker 3: the underlying fear that is creating the action or the
[6:59] Speaker 3: interaction that we're having in our relationships, that makes it
[7:03] Speaker 3: easier for us to recognize and see where things are
[7:07] Speaker 3: going wrong.
[7:08] Speaker 1: And talking about it's kind of the best way to
[7:10] Speaker 1: get there.
[7:10] Speaker 3: You need a sounding board.
[7:12] Speaker 1: It's a problem solving conversation.
[7:13] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[7:13] Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not an accusation of conversation. It's a there's
[7:16] Speaker 1: a problem to solve here, and we're going to do
[7:18] Speaker 1: it better if we work.
[7:19] Speaker 3: Because there's friction on both sides. There's friction when mum goes,
[7:22] Speaker 3: but there's also friction when dad goes. It's just different.
[7:24] Speaker 1: Oh, with the school assembly, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right,
[7:26] Speaker 1: Well after the break, let's talk about this new focus
[7:29] Speaker 1: on not having my parents watching me or interacting with me.
[7:32] Speaker 1: Dad's not willing to follow the rules, mums having the conversations,
[7:35] Speaker 1: but it's still feeling awkward. That's next on the pod.
[7:46] Speaker 1: We're back. This is The Happy Family's podcast. Kylie. Here's
[7:49] Speaker 1: my take on this challenge of a little girl who
[7:52] Speaker 1: doesn't want too much interaction with her parents at school.
[7:55] Speaker 1: First off, I just want to congratulate Leretta in her hobby.
[7:58] Speaker 1: They're actually doing it, showing up, they're going there. It's
[8:02] Speaker 1: been years since I've been to a school assembly. I
[8:03] Speaker 1: just can't bring myself to do it anymore. It's torture.
[8:07] Speaker 3: So we obviously don't have children at school anymore.
[8:10] Speaker 1: Grade eleven, so it doesn't happen.
[8:11] Speaker 3: We're not dealing with the same things. But the last
[8:14] Speaker 3: few years before we pulled them out, I was noticing
[8:19] Speaker 3: it more and more. We were one of the only
[8:21] Speaker 3: parents showing up the two events. And therefore it's actually
[8:26] Speaker 3: a rare thing for a parent to show up. And
[8:29] Speaker 3: so when your child is the child whose parent is
[8:33] Speaker 3: showing up, that's what they see as cringeworthy.
[8:36] Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe I think a lot of individual differences here.
[8:39] Speaker 1: Some kids are slow to see their parents and to
[8:40] Speaker 1: show off and say, hey, look what happened on Assembly today,
[8:43] Speaker 1: and others less so, and there is developmental aspect to it, Kylie.
[8:47] Speaker 1: I want to go back to my definition of masculinity,
[8:49] Speaker 1: the thing that I've been talking about so much, and
[8:51] Speaker 1: we're going to hear a lot more of it over
[8:53] Speaker 1: the next six weeks as we get ready for my
[8:54] Speaker 1: book to come out. Definition of masculinity. Healthy masculinity is
[8:58] Speaker 1: that people around you feel safer and stronger. So, as
[9:02] Speaker 1: I listened to Loretta's voice, note what I'm hearing is
[9:04] Speaker 1: a dad who's really proud of his little girl and
[9:06] Speaker 1: he wants to be a part of the celebration of
[9:08] Speaker 1: the goodness that she's bringing into the world. She's doing
[9:11] Speaker 1: things well. He's showing up to Assembly so I can say,
[9:13] Speaker 1: I'm your biggest fan, I love you so much, and
[9:17] Speaker 1: I want to get a photo of this moment. I
[9:18] Speaker 1: want to celebrate it with you. And I don't actually
[9:21] Speaker 1: have a problem with that. What I challenged by, and
[9:24] Speaker 1: clearly lit Loaretta and her daughter a challenged by it
[9:26] Speaker 1: as well, is there's a stomping over his daughter's preferences here,
[9:32] Speaker 1: and in some ways it's very very small. Yeah, it's
[9:35] Speaker 1: a tiny little thing, and one day she might look
[9:37] Speaker 1: back and say, I'm so glad Dad was there and
[9:39] Speaker 1: we got the photos. So I'm open to that interpretation.
[9:42] Speaker 1: But I'm also mindful that we're constantly talking to our
[9:44] Speaker 1: kids about how their voice matters and how they need
[9:47] Speaker 1: to be able to say no and be listened to.
[9:49] Speaker 1: This is the whole consent conversation, starting young and then
[9:52] Speaker 1: branching out into other areas as they get older. And
[9:55] Speaker 1: I'm mindful also of the fact that if this is
[9:58] Speaker 1: a girl who is worried about her appearing and has
[10:00] Speaker 1: some anxious tendencies. Again, I don't think there's any anxiety here,
[10:05] Speaker 1: but just doesn't feel comfortable with it, then parents have
[10:07] Speaker 1: got to be able to work with that in effective
[10:10] Speaker 1: and productive ways.
[10:13] Speaker 3: It's always hard when we get a voice memo. We
[10:16] Speaker 3: don't have all the details, but based on what Loretta
[10:18] Speaker 3: has shared, the one thing that kind of concerns me
[10:22] Speaker 3: is that when we try to problem solve with our
[10:25] Speaker 3: children and we give them possible solutions, at times we
[10:33] Speaker 3: actually inadvertently plant the seed of what's possible. So if
[10:42] Speaker 3: my child's anxious and they really don't want me coming along,
[10:45] Speaker 3: by me saying well, I'm coming, but I could do
[10:48] Speaker 3: it this way, this way, this way, or this way,
[10:50] Speaker 3: what would you prefer? Means that all of a sudden,
[10:54] Speaker 3: she now has three or four options that she may
[10:56] Speaker 3: not have thought of on her own, and they could
[11:00] Speaker 3: possibly be a hundred times further down the road than
[11:04] Speaker 3: what she actually was thinking. So I love the three
[11:07] Speaker 3: e's because it gives us an opportunity to collaborate with
[11:11] Speaker 3: our children instead of actually giving them the solutions.
[11:13] Speaker 1: Yeah, and when you give solutions, your kids don't endorse them,
[11:15] Speaker 1: they don't internalize them. There's no integration, there's no identifying
[11:19] Speaker 1: the value in this solution. So therefore that I don't
[11:21] Speaker 1: buy into it, they just get upset about it. So
[11:22] Speaker 1: the three e's overcomes that because it's a collaborative problem
[11:25] Speaker 1: solving process where the kids actually have a.
[11:27] Speaker 3: Voice and we get to explore with them. So from
[11:29] Speaker 3: my perspective as a mum, I want to be there.
[11:31] Speaker 3: I want to celebrate, I want to see you. I
[11:34] Speaker 3: want to I want you to know that we're here
[11:37] Speaker 3: to support you. How do you feel about that. Let
[11:40] Speaker 3: your children talk about that and then explain why it's important. Yeah,
[11:44] Speaker 3: Or get them to explain why it's important the way
[11:46] Speaker 3: they feel.
[11:47] Speaker 1: Something as simple as you don't like it, help us
[11:48] Speaker 1: to understand why. So it really explore their perspective. What
[11:51] Speaker 1: is it that us waving to you or being excited
[11:53] Speaker 1: for you? What is it that that does to you?
[11:55] Speaker 1: What other ways could we show our excitement and support
[11:58] Speaker 1: for you in ways that you feel good about them?
[12:00] Speaker 1: Move into that problem solving discussion.
[12:02] Speaker 3: And then we empower them by coming up with a
[12:03] Speaker 3: solution together.
[12:05] Speaker 1: Yeah, ideally one that they endorse.
[12:07] Speaker 3: We had this experience with our eldest. She was quite
[12:11] Speaker 3: a good swimmer when she was younger, and we attended
[12:14] Speaker 3: a lot of regional and state events with her, and
[12:18] Speaker 3: she didn't want me shouting out and screaming her name
[12:21] Speaker 3: from the bleachers, and so we had a chat about it,
[12:24] Speaker 3: and we talked about what would be good she needed
[12:27] Speaker 3: to see me. It calmed her. She knew that I
[12:30] Speaker 3: was there for her, but she just wanted it to
[12:33] Speaker 3: be not obvious. So we just came up with a
[12:36] Speaker 3: little coat and for us, it was literally she would
[12:39] Speaker 3: look over to me and I would grab my ear
[12:41] Speaker 3: lobe and give it a little bit of a wiggle.
[12:43] Speaker 1: Which is what my quiet teacher used to do in
[12:45] Speaker 1: primary school, say sing louder.
[12:47] Speaker 3: Well for us, it meant I love you. You got
[12:50] Speaker 3: this and it was perfect, and so we got plenty
[12:54] Speaker 3: of photos of her standing on a podium wiggling her
[12:56] Speaker 3: ear because she would do it back. It's important for
[13:00] Speaker 3: us to respect their desire for autonomy. But I think
[13:05] Speaker 3: it's also important that we don't let our children dictate
[13:09] Speaker 3: how we show up as parents as we take a
[13:14] Speaker 3: backseat in their lives. I think that it's detrimental.
[13:19] Speaker 1: Okay, Loretta, We really hope that this has been a
[13:21] Speaker 1: useful response to your question. Hopefully we've got the context
[13:25] Speaker 1: right and what we've shared is going to make an
[13:27] Speaker 1: impact in your family. Thank you so much for the question.
[13:29] Speaker 1: If you have a tricky question for us, shoot it
[13:31] Speaker 1: through email us podcasts at happy families dot com dot
[13:34] Speaker 1: you and send us a voice note. Alternatively, you can
[13:36] Speaker 1: go to happy families dot com dot you, scroll down
[13:38] Speaker 1: a bit where it says record and then just start talking.
[13:41] Speaker 1: It's our super simple system at happy families dot com.
[13:45] Speaker 2: Do you.
[13:45] Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin ruland from
[13:48] Speaker 1: Bridge Media. We appreciate the additional support from Mimhammond's and
[13:51] Speaker 1: if you've got questions or need resources to make your
[13:55] Speaker 1: family happy at your financewers, on our social pages Doctor
[13:58] Speaker 1: Justin Course and Happy Families, or at happy families dot
[14:01] Speaker 1: com dot you h
[14:08] Speaker 2: M hmm

Shows are listed from Apple Podcasts' charts and directory, and Podcast Index where it is used. Every show and episode belongs to its publisher and plays from the publisher's own feed; this site hosts none of them.