# Does Your Child Feel Worthy?

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 15 Mar 2026, 26 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/0cf8fea5-1ea5-4c13-a27b-b402008ff39e/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

What if the very thing we’re trying to protect our kids from… is the thing they actually need most? Many parents want their children to feel confident, resilient, and worthy. But in our effort to make life easier for them, we might be accidentally stealing the struggles that build those very traits. In this powerful conversation, Justin and Kylie explore why doing hard things—not comfortable ones—is the foundation of resilience. They unpack the surprising psychology behind why kids feel empty when life is too easy, and how small daily challenges can help children develop a deep sense of purpose, confidence, and self-worth. If you want your kids to grow up strong, capable, and emotionally resilient, this episode will change how you think about struggle. KEY POINTS • Inherently worthy Vs feeling of worth. • Hedonic happiness and eudaimonic happiness. • Resilience grows when children are stretched just beyond their current ability. • When parents step in to fix every problem, we steal the dragons our children need to slay. • Kids are far more willing to struggle when they feel supported and connected. • The most powerful teaching tool? Kids watching their parents do hard things too. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “We grow by being defeated by greater and greater things.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • The Road to Character – David Brooks • Flow research by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi • Work of Professor Todd Kashdan on meaning and happiness ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Let your child choose a hard thing – sport, music, art, work, or a personal challenge. • Encourage productive struggle rather than removing every obstacle. • Support without rescuing when problems arise. • Build resilience together – challenges are easier with connection. • Model courage and discipline by tackling hard things yourself. • This week: identify one struggle you’ve been fixing for your child… and step back. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. I've been thinking
[0:08] Speaker 1: about a question that might sound strange, but it applies
[0:11] Speaker 1: to us and it applies to our children. Do you
[0:14] Speaker 1: feel worthy? Do you feel like your life has purpose?
[0:17] Speaker 1: Please note I didn't ask are you worthy? That's a given.
[0:21] Speaker 1: You're human, you have inherent worth, so do your children.
[0:24] Speaker 1: But the question I'm asking is do you feel worthy?
[0:27] Speaker 1: Do your children go to bed at night with the
[0:30] Speaker 1: sense that you lived a life of meaning, that there's
[0:33] Speaker 1: purpose to what you're doing. Because what I'm noticing consistently
[0:38] Speaker 1: is that the feedback that I get when I run
[0:40] Speaker 1: my Raising Resilient Kids presentation, which is the most popular
[0:44] Speaker 1: presentation that I deliver by a long way, parents are
[0:47] Speaker 1: desperate for their kids to be resilient, but the kids
[0:51] Speaker 1: aren't doing the sort of stuff that makes you become resilient,
[0:55] Speaker 1: the stuff that makes you feel worthy. Again, I emphasize
[0:58] Speaker 1: the kids are worthy, they don't feel worthwhile they don't
[1:03] Speaker 1: feel like what they're doing makes them worthy of anything
[1:07] Speaker 1: at all. And I'm starting to think that we've got
[1:09] Speaker 1: this whole purpose and worthiness and resilience thing backwards. So
[1:14] Speaker 1: today on the podcast, Kylie and I are going to
[1:16] Speaker 1: puzzle through a few big ideas that I've been playing
[1:18] Speaker 1: with around this, like why doing hard things, not comfortable things,
[1:25] Speaker 1: is the foundation of resilience and well being, and how
[1:30] Speaker 1: I think that we're accidentally robbing our kids of resilience
[1:32] Speaker 1: by making life too easy. Stay with us, gooday, Welcome
[1:38] Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast where you get real parenting
[1:40] Speaker 1: solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting
[1:44] Speaker 1: podcasts where Justin and Kylie Courson were the parents. Have
[1:46] Speaker 1: six kids who are surprising us with their resilience now
[1:49] Speaker 1: and then. Although I will highlight at the outset, resilience
[1:52] Speaker 1: often does not feel resilient. If you're in the middle
[1:56] Speaker 1: of it, it can often feel really hard. Kylie. The
[1:59] Speaker 1: word worthy. I love etymology, I love words. I love
[2:01] Speaker 1: understanding where they come from. The word worthy comes from
[2:03] Speaker 1: the Old English word. And I'm probably going to get
[2:06] Speaker 1: this wrong, but it's we your pig. We are pick?
[2:09] Speaker 1: Does that sound right?
[2:10] Speaker 2: Well, we're a big I'm reading, yes.
[2:14] Speaker 1: We o. It's sort of a P. But it's a
[2:16] Speaker 1: funny p because it's Old English and I'm not sure
[2:17] Speaker 1: if it really is a peek I know, but worthy
[2:20] Speaker 1: comes from it, we got a pig. Is that Old
[2:22] Speaker 1: English that sounded a bit ivish. I don't even know
[2:24] Speaker 1: if that sounded irish. I apologize to anyone who's Irish
[2:27] Speaker 1: who's listening. But what it means in the Old English
[2:30] Speaker 1: is having value or deserving of honor. And quite often
[2:33] Speaker 1: when we talk about kids not doing well, what I've
[2:36] Speaker 1: been thinking is, if you're laying on your bed scrolling TikTok,
[2:39] Speaker 1: then you haven't done anything that's going to make you
[2:41] Speaker 1: feel like it has value or is deserving of honor,
[2:45] Speaker 1: and therefore you will not feel worthy. You are. You
[2:47] Speaker 1: are inherently as a human you are worthy, but the
[2:50] Speaker 1: feeling of worth is different from the actual actuality of
[2:55] Speaker 1: being a human who has inherent intrinsic worth and value.
[3:00] Speaker 2: I think at the core of it, it comes down
[3:02] Speaker 2: to each of us living a life of purpose. When
[3:05] Speaker 2: we feel like we're engaged in a worthy cause, whatever
[3:09] Speaker 2: that looks like, when we feel like we're using our
[3:13] Speaker 2: gifts and talents to make a difference in the world,
[3:18] Speaker 2: there's this sense of worthiness.
[3:20] Speaker 1: So this is why I want to have this conversation
[3:22] Speaker 1: with you, because I feel like we need to even
[3:24] Speaker 1: bash that around a little bit. When you say to
[3:26] Speaker 1: an eight year old or a fifteen year old, what's
[3:30] Speaker 1: the contribution you're making to the world, or what's your
[3:33] Speaker 1: purpose as you've just highlighted, they just kind of look
[3:36] Speaker 1: at you and go, huh, sorry, way too big. Don't
[3:40] Speaker 1: have any comprehension of what you're talking about my purpose?
[3:43] Speaker 1: I don't know. Just give me my phone back, right,
[3:45] Speaker 1: I just want to stare at my iPad on my laptop.
[3:48] Speaker 1: And so here's this tension. You are worthy, your children
[3:52] Speaker 1: are worthy, and that's a given. But worth is not
[3:56] Speaker 1: just that you are worthy. The feeling of worthiness comes
[3:59] Speaker 1: from what you do. It comes from living in alignment
[4:02] Speaker 1: with your values, from contributing, from doing things that matter.
[4:05] Speaker 1: And also often when we talk about this whole thing
[4:07] Speaker 1: about purpose and meaning, their eyes glaze over. They're like,
[4:10] Speaker 1: I don't know I even talk to adults about it.
[4:12] Speaker 1: I feel like my life is so purposeful, right, I
[4:14] Speaker 1: get to go around the country and spend my days
[4:17] Speaker 1: talking to people about the most important thing in their lives.
[4:19] Speaker 1: How do I make my family happier? That is so
[4:22] Speaker 1: meaningful and it gives me, It gives me so much purpose.
[4:26] Speaker 1: I feel like I'm genuinely making a contribution in the world.
[4:28] Speaker 1: But I talked to a lot of adults who go, well,
[4:30] Speaker 1: I'm not because I'm selling real estate. That's what somebody
[4:33] Speaker 1: told me. Just recently, somebody else said, I don't feel
[4:36] Speaker 1: like I'm making any difference. I'm just driving a truck.
[4:39] Speaker 1: I literally spoke to someone who said, I drive from
[4:42] Speaker 1: the quarry to whatever the location is and I tip
[4:46] Speaker 1: stuff out of my truck and that's it. Like, where's
[4:48] Speaker 1: the purpose in that. I'm just living from paycheck to
[4:51] Speaker 1: paycheck and doing my thing. And so this conversation is
[4:55] Speaker 1: really really hard to talk about and say, well, hang on,
[5:01] Speaker 1: how do you get to feel worthy?
[5:04] Speaker 2: But it doesn't come down to our job.
[5:06] Speaker 1: That's right, But too many people hear it and that's
[5:09] Speaker 1: where they go.
[5:10] Speaker 2: It really is about who we are. So the conversations
[5:13] Speaker 2: we have around the dinner table with our kids, we
[5:16] Speaker 2: talk a lot about gratitude, but there are oftentimes where
[5:19] Speaker 2: we tapped into who did you help today?
[5:21] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, or what did you do that showed determination
[5:23] Speaker 1: and persistence in the face of adversity.
[5:26] Speaker 2: And the thing is, we're not celebrating these massive achievements.
[5:30] Speaker 2: We're celebrating that we took something off the top shelf
[5:34] Speaker 2: for an old lady who couldn't reach the item that
[5:37] Speaker 2: she was looking for, or taking the time to help
[5:40] Speaker 2: somebody across the road because they were struggling.
[5:42] Speaker 1: Oh can I virtue signal a bit and show everyone
[5:44] Speaker 1: how full of character and goodness I am and how
[5:47] Speaker 1: worthy I am. I went and bought some prawns for
[5:49] Speaker 1: dinner the other night. While I was there, I thought,
[5:52] Speaker 1: I went to the proper seafood job here at the
[5:55] Speaker 1: lalla above I just love and they had oysters and
[5:58] Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I'm going to grab a dozen oysters.
[6:00] Speaker 1: They only charged me for the prawns. They didn't charge
[6:02] Speaker 1: me for the oysters. But I didn't realize that until
[6:04] Speaker 1: I was walking to the car, and then I thought,
[6:05] Speaker 1: I buy a lot of stuff here, like, surely I
[6:07] Speaker 1: can have a dozen oysters for free. And then I
[6:09] Speaker 1: was just like, is my integrity worth more than thirty dollars?
[6:12] Speaker 1: I think it is. So I went back in and
[6:14] Speaker 1: I said, can you just double check? I'm pretty sure
[6:16] Speaker 1: you didn't charge me unless I did two transactions without noticing.
[6:19] Speaker 1: And she checked and she's like, no, I didn't. And
[6:21] Speaker 1: then she was like that was so unusual. But I
[6:23] Speaker 1: did something that was hard, and I did something that
[6:25] Speaker 1: required some character, and I did something that was meaningful
[6:28] Speaker 1: and made a difference. And yeah, it cost me an
[6:31] Speaker 1: extra thirty bucks, but I walked out of there and
[6:32] Speaker 1: I felt a million dollars even though I just spent
[6:34] Speaker 1: an extra thirty dollars, And I just this is the thing, right,
[6:37] Speaker 1: If you never do anything worthwhile, if all you do
[6:39] Speaker 1: is lay on the living room carpet and stare at
[6:41] Speaker 1: a screen, which is what too many kids are doing.
[6:43] Speaker 1: If you never struggle, if you never contribute, if you
[6:45] Speaker 1: never pushed past your limitations, then you're not going to
[6:48] Speaker 1: feel worthy. Regardless of the fact that you are worthy
[6:50] Speaker 1: as a human, you're not going to feel worthy. And
[6:52] Speaker 1: if you don't feel worthy, you're going to become an anxious,
[6:58] Speaker 1: fragile person. You're going to feel like there's a little
[7:02] Speaker 1: bit of an issue there.
[7:04] Speaker 2: Do you have any data to support this idea?
[7:07] Speaker 1: There are a couple of different places that I could
[7:09] Speaker 1: go for this. The first is the research distinguished between
[7:14] Speaker 1: two kinds of happiness. There's hedonic happiness and there's you
[7:17] Speaker 1: dimonic happiness. The idea of hedonic happiness is avoid pain.
[7:23] Speaker 2: I think that's what most of us want right seek pleasure.
[7:25] Speaker 1: We're looking, we're.
[7:27] Speaker 2: Looking for the feel good hormones sick in and they
[7:31] Speaker 2: require nothing.
[7:32] Speaker 1: He Donic happiness is the Instagram reels. He Donic happiness
[7:35] Speaker 1: is the battle of ice cream in front of the TV.
[7:38] Speaker 1: He dontic happiness is hanging around with friends and just
[7:42] Speaker 1: having a fun conversation. He Donic happiness is letting someone
[7:45] Speaker 1: else do the dishes. That's hedonic happiness. You. Domonic happiness
[7:50] Speaker 1: is meaning and purpose and growth. It's it's hard in
[7:57] Speaker 1: the moment, but it endures, whereas he donnic happiness fades fast.
[8:01] Speaker 1: I'll give you a really concrete example. One of my
[8:03] Speaker 1: one of my friends in the US who's a professor
[8:06] Speaker 1: of psychology at George Mason University's named professor Todd Kashton.
[8:09] Speaker 1: He uses the example, you can make a cake and
[8:12] Speaker 1: eat it. That's here donic happiness, and so you wait
[8:15] Speaker 1: too much of it, of course, but let's go with
[8:17] Speaker 1: that's here donic happiness, but the feeling fades fast. Or
[8:20] Speaker 1: you can bake a cake and then go and knock
[8:22] Speaker 1: on the door of a friend or somebody that you'd
[8:25] Speaker 1: like to be friends with and say hey, I made
[8:28] Speaker 1: you this, and then you can go in and eat
[8:29] Speaker 1: it together. And that's you don't monic happiness. It's harder.
[8:33] Speaker 1: It requires you to do something that could be potentially uncomfortable.
[8:36] Speaker 1: It takes time and effort, it requires more of you,
[8:39] Speaker 1: but it creates meaning and purpose and that's that's the
[8:42] Speaker 1: key difference. So if I was to you said, what's
[8:46] Speaker 1: the data show, I want to bring that data, that
[8:49] Speaker 1: theory back into real life for a sec. I think,
[8:53] Speaker 1: and this this is a very broad brush. I know
[8:55] Speaker 1: it doesn't apply to everybody, but I think that we're
[8:58] Speaker 1: raising our kids on a hedonic diet, and I reckon
[9:02] Speaker 1: you could probably give me some really easy examples of
[9:04] Speaker 1: how that works without even thinking about it.
[9:08] Speaker 2: I think the biggest one that comes to me is
[9:10] Speaker 2: the kids say I'm bored. Yep, we hand them a
[9:14] Speaker 2: screen because we don't have to deal with it then.
[9:16] Speaker 1: Or if we don't have them as screen, we just say, well,
[9:18] Speaker 1: i'll fix it for you, and we find them something
[9:20] Speaker 1: to do. And that thing that we give them to do,
[9:23] Speaker 1: it doesn't ever require anything of them. Right. Well, every
[9:26] Speaker 1: now and again, some presis will say, well, there's a
[9:28] Speaker 1: car to be washed. There's a lot to be mote.
[9:29] Speaker 1: There's some dishes in the thing, but usually it's like, well,
[9:32] Speaker 1: let me find an activity that you will find pleasurable
[9:34] Speaker 1: and delightful and will require very little of you. Can
[9:38] Speaker 1: you think of any other ways that we're raising kids
[9:40] Speaker 1: on a on a hedonic pathway.
[9:44] Speaker 2: When we kind of bribe them, we call it rewards,
[9:47] Speaker 2: but in essence we're bribing them. We want them to
[9:50] Speaker 2: do something hard and they don't see any point in it,
[9:53] Speaker 2: and so we sugarcoat so we.
[9:54] Speaker 1: Could do this and you get that yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, perfect,
[9:58] Speaker 1: And then of course we wonder why they're maybe not
[10:01] Speaker 1: feeling worthy. Again, they are worthy, but they're not doing
[10:04] Speaker 1: hard things, or they're doing them for purposes and reasons
[10:07] Speaker 1: that aren't working for them.
[10:09] Speaker 2: They have struggles in their relationships and we want to
[10:11] Speaker 2: fix everything.
[10:12] Speaker 1: For what we send the email through to the school
[10:14] Speaker 1: and say, well, we need to fix this. Yeah, so
[10:17] Speaker 1: comfort again, comfort doesn't build resilient struggle does. The other
[10:22] Speaker 1: bit of data that I wanted to go to. There's
[10:24] Speaker 1: a theorist, a psychologist me hih Chick sent me high
[10:27] Speaker 1: and he studied flow and peak experiences, and what he
[10:31] Speaker 1: found is that the moments when people feel most alive
[10:36] Speaker 1: and most fulfilled and most engaged at the times when
[10:40] Speaker 1: they are being stretched just beyond their current ability. So
[10:45] Speaker 1: it's not too easy, it's not too hard, but it
[10:49] Speaker 1: is just hard enough to not be just right. You
[10:52] Speaker 1: know how Goldilocks is the not too hot, not too cold,
[10:55] Speaker 1: but just right. What Chick sent me high. He's not
[10:58] Speaker 1: looking for just right. He's saying, I want it to
[11:00] Speaker 1: be too hard, but not too too hard, just that
[11:03] Speaker 1: little bit beyond what.
[11:06] Speaker 2: We set a goal. And if we set something achievable,
[11:10] Speaker 2: then there isn't too much effort needed to be put
[11:14] Speaker 2: into it so that we can achieve it. But if
[11:17] Speaker 2: we then add on just that little bit more of
[11:19] Speaker 2: a stretch. So say, my goal is i want to
[11:22] Speaker 2: save one hundred dollars, and I've worked out that if
[11:25] Speaker 2: I put two dollars fifty away each week for however
[11:27] Speaker 2: many weeks, and I'm going to get there. And it's
[11:29] Speaker 2: not a stretch at all for me to do it.
[11:31] Speaker 2: It's just a goal. But I decide that I actually
[11:34] Speaker 2: want to double that, and now I'm going to try
[11:37] Speaker 2: and put away five dollars a week. That is a
[11:40] Speaker 2: stretch because I actually need that extra two dollars fifty
[11:42] Speaker 2: in my everyday life.
[11:44] Speaker 1: But then how good does it feed?
[11:45] Speaker 2: But I'm choosing you two will go that extra.
[11:48] Speaker 1: Two dollars and when you achieve it, and you achieve
[11:50] Speaker 1: it in half the time, you just feel so good.
[11:53] Speaker 1: And that's where the growth happens. That's where you feel
[11:55] Speaker 1: worthy again. You are worthy, but feeling worthy comes from
[11:59] Speaker 1: our actions.
[12:00] Speaker 2: Every four weeks in the gym, we change our exercise
[12:05] Speaker 2: routine up, and every time we do it, I kind
[12:08] Speaker 2: of look at you and go, there is no way,
[12:11] Speaker 2: there is no way I can.
[12:12] Speaker 1: Do that, and then four weeks down the track smashing
[12:15] Speaker 1: it out.
[12:16] Speaker 2: Well, on day one, I can't do it. Oh, I
[12:18] Speaker 2: actually can't do it.
[12:20] Speaker 1: I've got a quote. We need to take a break.
[12:22] Speaker 1: But after the break, I want to talk about what
[12:23] Speaker 1: this means for parents, because we've got to be able
[12:25] Speaker 1: to pull this together. But you've said that, and I've
[12:27] Speaker 1: just remembered a really powerful quote that sums up exactly
[12:31] Speaker 1: what's at the core of all of this. I want
[12:33] Speaker 1: to share that next because it's so inspiring, and some
[12:37] Speaker 1: practical tips for what we can do to help our
[12:40] Speaker 1: kids to be more resilient and to take on struggle
[12:42] Speaker 1: when they're not that keen on doing anything hard. Stay
[12:45] Speaker 1: with us, We're back. This is The Happy Family's podcast.
[12:55] Speaker 1: We really hope that you're enjoying the conversation about helping
[12:57] Speaker 1: to raise resilient kids. Before the break, I'm quote. It
[13:01] Speaker 1: comes from the poet rain a realk Reoky. I don't
[13:03] Speaker 1: know if it's a realk or a Realkie Rilk who
[13:07] Speaker 1: said this, we grow by being defeated by greater and
[13:10] Speaker 1: greater things, not by winning, not by succeeding, but by
[13:14] Speaker 1: being defeated. We grow by being defeated. And when I
[13:18] Speaker 1: read that quote just a few weeks ago, my brain exploded.
[13:22] Speaker 1: It's a completely different framing to how we normally look
[13:24] Speaker 1: at the challenges that we face in life. But your
[13:27] Speaker 1: gym experience, our gym experience is precisely that. I was
[13:32] Speaker 1: watching a video of me the other day because the
[13:34] Speaker 1: trainer took a video of me doing push ups. And
[13:36] Speaker 1: this was back the very first day we were in
[13:38] Speaker 1: the gym. Trainer said, let's get some baseline measurements and
[13:42] Speaker 1: just see where you're up to, and he just wanted
[13:44] Speaker 1: me to do push ups until I was exhausted, until
[13:47] Speaker 1: I couldn't do anymore until I collapsed. And I won't
[13:49] Speaker 1: say how many I did, but it wasn't very many.
[13:51] Speaker 1: And after I watched it, I jumped straight down onto
[13:54] Speaker 1: the floor and I pumped out more than like probably
[13:58] Speaker 1: about triple the push up without even trying, without even
[14:01] Speaker 1: breaking a sweat, and I just thought, oh, my goodness,
[14:03] Speaker 1: I was defeated by that many push ups eight or
[14:05] Speaker 1: ten weeks ago. But over the last eight or ten weeks,
[14:09] Speaker 1: I've been defeated and defeated and defeated again, and each
[14:11] Speaker 1: time I've learned how to defeat what defeated me. So
[14:14] Speaker 1: therefore I've taken on the next challenge. And that's what
[14:18] Speaker 1: you're highlighting with your gym experience. But we also experience
[14:21] Speaker 1: it with the kids, and we want our kids to
[14:23] Speaker 1: have those same experiences, because that's where the growth is,
[14:25] Speaker 1: the meaning is the purposes.
[14:27] Speaker 2: And I think sometimes we get caught up in the
[14:28] Speaker 2: fact that we think resilience means that we never fall,
[14:34] Speaker 2: Resilient means that we're strong, we're capable, But resilience is
[14:39] Speaker 2: actually the act of falling down and picking ourselves up again.
[14:45] Speaker 1: You can't be right and time again. You can't be
[14:47] Speaker 1: resilient if you don't fall like there's no indication that
[14:52] Speaker 1: you are resilient if you don't have those failures, if
[14:54] Speaker 1: you don't have those collapses.
[14:56] Speaker 2: You have to experience it in order to be able
[14:59] Speaker 2: to push pass the challenge. You've got to actually push
[15:02] Speaker 2: past it.
[15:03] Speaker 1: You need dragons to slay. You need dragons to slay.
[15:07] Speaker 1: Our kids need dragons to slay. I love this, And
[15:10] Speaker 1: to go back to what you said before, I don't
[15:11] Speaker 1: want to rehash it too much because we've still got
[15:13] Speaker 1: a couple of things that definitely need to be touched on.
[15:15] Speaker 1: But as parents, we keep on seeing these dragons come
[15:18] Speaker 1: up in our kids' lives and we think it's our
[15:19] Speaker 1: job to slay the dragon. And so, like I said,
[15:21] Speaker 1: we send the email to the school because they're dealing
[15:23] Speaker 1: with some social conflict and we feel like we've got
[15:25] Speaker 1: to step in and solve it. Or they're failing, and
[15:28] Speaker 1: so we blame the teacher, or they're bored, and we
[15:31] Speaker 1: entertain them, like you said, and we keep on stealing
[15:35] Speaker 1: their dragons, and when we do that, we rob them
[15:39] Speaker 1: of the very struggles that make them strong. We grow
[15:43] Speaker 1: by being defeated by greater and greater things.
[15:48] Speaker 2: You've got a book on yourself called The Road to
[15:52] Speaker 2: Building Character.
[15:53] Speaker 1: The Road to Character David Brooks.
[15:54] Speaker 2: By David Brooks. That's right, yea, And I found a
[15:57] Speaker 2: quote in there that says, the central drama of life
[16:01] Speaker 2: is the struggle against your own weakness.
[16:05] Speaker 1: I feel like we're really going into some awesome territory today.
[16:09] Speaker 1: I love this quote.
[16:10] Speaker 2: It's not struggle against other people, it's not a competition
[16:13] Speaker 2: for a status or achievement. It's actually the struggle against
[16:16] Speaker 2: our own limitations.
[16:18] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and that's the resulance we're trying to build
[16:21] Speaker 1: our kids.
[16:22] Speaker 2: Yeah. Can you do the hard thing when the easy
[16:26] Speaker 2: thing is right there? Can you choose to do hard? Yeah?
[16:29] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah yeah. So can you go and do the
[16:31] Speaker 1: chores when you've got your screen in your hand?
[16:33] Speaker 2: Well yeah, But if we go back to the gym,
[16:37] Speaker 2: a new exercise is presented.
[16:38] Speaker 1: I feel like we need a gym podcast.
[16:41] Speaker 2: A new exercise is presented, and without even thinking about it,
[16:47] Speaker 2: my body and I assume lots of other bodies do
[16:49] Speaker 2: the same thing, finds the easiest way to achieve it,
[16:53] Speaker 2: not necessarily the right way. Yeah, it finds the easiest
[16:58] Speaker 2: pathway to get to the end of result.
[17:00] Speaker 1: So we've got to rewire our brain to do the
[17:01] Speaker 1: exercise with the right technique because that's where the growth comes.
[17:04] Speaker 1: Yeah yeah. Otherwise, where what's the word we're pulling?
[17:08] Speaker 2: We're compensating, We're over compensating.
[17:10] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. This is a bit personal.
[17:13] Speaker 1: I don't know if you're okay with this or not,
[17:15] Speaker 1: but there's something that you we have a religious background.
[17:19] Speaker 1: There's something that you say in your prayer each day
[17:23] Speaker 1: that I'd love for you to share because I feel
[17:25] Speaker 1: like it really sits neatly with what we're talking about here.
[17:28] Speaker 2: It's been a big year of change for me and
[17:31] Speaker 2: in mindset and struggling with keeping commitments to myself has
[17:38] Speaker 2: been a really big thing. And I end up kind
[17:41] Speaker 2: of falling off the bandwagon so many times because I
[17:44] Speaker 2: feel like I'm just a failure. And so this year
[17:47] Speaker 2: I want things to be different. And the one prayer
[17:52] Speaker 2: that I have offered more times this year than ever
[17:55] Speaker 2: before is give me greater capacity to honor the commitments
[18:02] Speaker 2: I've made to myself.
[18:03] Speaker 1: Yeah, So that's character.
[18:04] Speaker 2: This is not about anybody else. It's literally about honoring
[18:09] Speaker 2: those commitments that I am desirous to achieve in my
[18:12] Speaker 2: own life, but often fall away because it's hard. Yeah,
[18:17] Speaker 2: what I'm doing is hard.
[18:20] Speaker 1: Speaking of commitments that we've made, I've made a commitment
[18:22] Speaker 1: to keep this podcast short. How you going not well today?
[18:27] Speaker 1: I just feel like this is such an important conversation.
[18:29] Speaker 1: But let's get really practical and wrap it up and
[18:32] Speaker 1: give some ideas to help parents guide their kids to
[18:36] Speaker 1: make commitments that they fully endorse and value and then
[18:38] Speaker 1: be keep those commitments. And we need to do it
[18:40] Speaker 1: ourselves as well. Right, this is something that is This
[18:43] Speaker 1: is not just about helping the kids to be resilient
[18:45] Speaker 1: as adults. We're all trying to do this as well.
[18:47] Speaker 1: We're all fighting these same battles. I'd love to run
[18:49] Speaker 1: through a couple of things that we can do to
[18:51] Speaker 1: help our kids do it. The first thing I think
[18:54] Speaker 1: is that we need to let them choose hard things,
[18:59] Speaker 1: like have a conversation about what are you doing that
[19:01] Speaker 1: makes you feel worthy? You are worthy, We love you
[19:03] Speaker 1: no matter what. You could lay on your bed for
[19:05] Speaker 1: the rest of your life and scroll TikTok and Instagram
[19:07] Speaker 1: and we would still love you. You could play Red Blocks
[19:08] Speaker 1: and Fortnite Forever. Well, still love you, but you're not
[19:10] Speaker 1: going to feel good about yourself because you're not doing
[19:13] Speaker 1: anything meaningful or purposeful, and you're not doing anything hard.
[19:15] Speaker 1: You're not struggling, you're not growing, and life feels better
[19:18] Speaker 1: when you do those things, and we want to support
[19:21] Speaker 1: you there. So what matters to you and whether it's
[19:26] Speaker 1: going to the gym, riding your bike with friends, learning
[19:28] Speaker 1: how to surf, learning how to skate and drop into
[19:30] Speaker 1: a bowl, learning how to whatever. Your kids might look
[19:34] Speaker 1: at your blanklet and say, I don't know at which
[19:36] Speaker 1: point you say, well, let's try some stuff.
[19:39] Speaker 2: So could you change the word from worthy to what
[19:42] Speaker 2: lights you up?
[19:43] Speaker 1: Of course? Yeah? Where can we have productive struggle? Where
[19:46] Speaker 1: can we do hard fun those two concepts? Where can
[19:51] Speaker 1: we experience distress and frustration? But because we value the activity,
[19:56] Speaker 1: or we value the people with so much that we're
[19:58] Speaker 1: willing to sit through through and tolerate the distress and
[20:01] Speaker 1: frustration because that's going to help us to grow and
[20:03] Speaker 1: learn and become more confident. It might be a musical instrument,
[20:05] Speaker 1: it could be a sport, could be art or drama.
[20:07] Speaker 1: It might be academic work. Doesn't really matter what it is,
[20:11] Speaker 1: what can you do that's going to turn itself into
[20:13] Speaker 1: productive struggle. The more voice your kids have in that
[20:16] Speaker 1: the better. If they look at your struggle their shoulders
[20:18] Speaker 1: and say MnOH, then the great task is to say, well,
[20:22] Speaker 1: let's start experimenting, which brings me my second suggestion, and
[20:27] Speaker 1: that is that we've got to remember, and we've been
[20:30] Speaker 1: really hammering this on the podcast for the last couple
[20:32] Speaker 1: of months. Resilience is relational. You just you do more,
[20:38] Speaker 1: you struggle harder, you push through tougher things when you've
[20:41] Speaker 1: got somebody by your side who is a supporting you
[20:44] Speaker 1: or be doing it with you. So if the kids
[20:47] Speaker 1: want to play a sport, or want to play an instrument,
[20:49] Speaker 1: or want whatever it is, let's say they're playing instrument,
[20:51] Speaker 1: get them into a band, Get them to team up
[20:54] Speaker 1: with a couple of people and start writing their own
[20:55] Speaker 1: music or start playing music together. Because once they start
[20:59] Speaker 1: doing it together, they form that commitment and they will
[21:02] Speaker 1: figure out that eight bars that they just couldn't work
[21:04] Speaker 1: out because they're going to have to play it in
[21:06] Speaker 1: front of somebody. The productive struggle is there. Resilience is relational.
[21:12] Speaker 2: What's number three?
[21:13] Speaker 1: I don't actually have a checklist. I'm not sure, but
[21:16] Speaker 1: if I was going to say a third thing, I'm
[21:18] Speaker 1: just free willing here, but we need The third thing
[21:21] Speaker 1: that I would say is let them struggle, like when
[21:25] Speaker 1: they're having a hard time. Don't say while I'm here
[21:27] Speaker 1: to slay this dragon for you. I would even use
[21:30] Speaker 1: the word. We've never done this in our family, but
[21:31] Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it right now. I think we should
[21:33] Speaker 1: use the word. We always talk about how you've got
[21:35] Speaker 1: to love the hills. The hills make it strong. But
[21:36] Speaker 1: I'm wondering if we should start talking about how there
[21:38] Speaker 1: are dragons and we could slay them for them by
[21:41] Speaker 1: doing the job, or we can give the kids the
[21:44] Speaker 1: tools and the supports is relational to slay their own dragons.
[21:48] Speaker 2: At the moment, our fifteen year old is waking up
[21:51] Speaker 2: at three point fifteen three so that she can start
[21:56] Speaker 2: at work at four o'clock. The other morning, she sent
[21:59] Speaker 2: me a tech and I could tell she was pretty emotional,
[22:01] Speaker 2: and she said, Mum, can you please bring me some towels,
[22:04] Speaker 2: some dry clothes, and some emotional support and a hug.
[22:10] Speaker 2: I need some emotional support. And I just Number one,
[22:14] Speaker 2: I loved that she was able to articulate that, and
[22:16] Speaker 2: she came home and she just held me. She didn't
[22:19] Speaker 2: say I hate this, I can't do it anymore, it's
[22:22] Speaker 2: all too hard. She just needed a hug, She needed
[22:24] Speaker 2: to have a cry. She went out of sleep, and
[22:27] Speaker 2: she got up and she was ready to do it
[22:28] Speaker 2: again the next day, and she.
[22:29] Speaker 1: Has done for the last couple of weeks. Yeah. Yeah,
[22:31] Speaker 1: resilience is relational. Let them choose the hard things that
[22:34] Speaker 1: are important to them and let them have that productive
[22:36] Speaker 1: struggle and don't rescue them. Okay, we need to wrap
[22:38] Speaker 1: this up. Let me do a quick summary. Here's the
[22:40] Speaker 1: thing I.
[22:40] Speaker 2: Think you've missed the most important. Oh.
[22:42] Speaker 1: I know, well, we're out of time, but tell me anyway.
[22:44] Speaker 2: Our kids need to see us doing hard things.
[22:47] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[22:48] Speaker 2: Yes, we can't tell them that they've got to go
[22:50] Speaker 2: out and slay these dragons and do hard things if
[22:52] Speaker 2: we're not willing to do it. Yeah, and if we
[22:54] Speaker 2: find the easy way around everything, then why would they
[22:59] Speaker 2: not do the same.
[23:00] Speaker 1: Oh, we're starting the week with a banger.
[23:05] Speaker 2: I'm watching what's happening for me in the gym, and
[23:08] Speaker 2: how our kids one by one without us saying you
[23:12] Speaker 2: need to get off your bottom. You need to move
[23:13] Speaker 2: your bodies one by one. They are making decisions that
[23:18] Speaker 2: are pushing and stretching them, not because we've dragged them along,
[23:22] Speaker 2: but because they're seeing the change that it's having in
[23:24] Speaker 2: me and they want to do something that feels good.
[23:27] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And if I go back to that New
[23:29] Speaker 1: Zealand holiday that we had last year when we did
[23:31] Speaker 1: that Central Rail trail through our targo, one hundred and
[23:34] Speaker 1: fifty k's four days, headwinds, rain hill.
[23:37] Speaker 2: Panic attacks, anxiety.
[23:39] Speaker 1: I'm not right, the bike, he knows is the whole thing,
[23:44] Speaker 1: and then at the end of it, they said, can
[23:45] Speaker 1: we do this again? We've realized that we can do
[23:47] Speaker 1: hard things, and doing hard things makes life worthwhile. Damn Okay,
[23:52] Speaker 1: let's call it there, because this could turn into a
[23:54] Speaker 1: one hour podcast if we're not careful, and our time
[23:56] Speaker 1: is well and truly done, and we want to keep
[23:58] Speaker 1: our commitment to you because you to spend time listening
[24:01] Speaker 1: to what we're talking about. So we really appreciate that.
[24:04] Speaker 1: We hope that this has been a really valuable discussion.
[24:07] Speaker 1: I want to underscore the key points I think they matter.
[24:10] Speaker 1: Number One, your child is worthy inherently unconditionally by virtue
[24:15] Speaker 1: of them being a human in your home. They are
[24:18] Speaker 1: worthy and they need to feel that. However, if they
[24:22] Speaker 1: want to feel worthy, if they're going to grow up
[24:25] Speaker 1: with a deep sense of purpose and meaning and resilience
[24:29] Speaker 1: and well being, they need to do hard things. Not
[24:32] Speaker 1: because their worth depends on it. They need to do
[24:35] Speaker 1: hard things because the feeling of worth comes from living
[24:38] Speaker 1: a life that's aligned with values and contribution, contributing to
[24:45] Speaker 1: something mean, if it was something bigger than self. David
[24:47] Speaker 1: Brooks love this quote, Kylie. I'm so glad you pulled
[24:50] Speaker 1: this one out. The central drama of life is a
[24:52] Speaker 1: struggle against your own weakness. Real key, we grow by
[24:56] Speaker 1: being defeated by greater and greater things. Kylie, I love
[25:02] Speaker 1: what you said. Give me the capacity to one of
[25:04] Speaker 1: the commitments I've made to myself. This is resilience. I'm
[25:07] Speaker 1: feeling inspired. I'm ready for a big week. So this
[25:10] Speaker 1: week our challenge for you, find one place where you've
[25:13] Speaker 1: been rescuing your child from struggle and step back, not
[25:16] Speaker 1: because it's easy for you and not because it's easy
[25:20] Speaker 1: for them, But let them face the dragon, not because
[25:23] Speaker 1: you don't love them, but because you do. The Happy
[25:26] Speaker 1: Family's podcasts is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
[25:30] Speaker 1: Mim Hammond's provides admin and additional support, and if you'd
[25:33] Speaker 1: like more about making your child more resilient, especially your
[25:36] Speaker 1: ADHD child, check out our Parenting ADHD course available now
[25:40] Speaker 1: at Happy families dot com dot We'll see it tomorrow

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