# Why Kids Lie and What to Do About It (a Listener Q&A)

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 24 Aug 2026, 16 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/cfbb81f8-d659-43a5-bbef-b4a00016cd58/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

Your five-year-old tells a whopping great lie at Show and Tell. Do you correct them, call them out, or let it go? Lying can push every parental button, but for young kids, stretching the truth can be a surprisingly normal sign of cognitive development. Justin and Kylie explain why kids lie, what their tall tales might be trying to tell us, and why cracking down can make children better at hiding the truth. The goal isn't to catch your child out. It's to understand what they need and make honesty safe. KEY POINTS • By age four, around 80% of children will lie in experimental settings. • Convincing lies require "theory of mind", the ability to understand what another person thinks or believes. • Sometimes exaggeration is less about dishonesty and more about wanting connection, belonging, competence, or status. • Punitive responses can encourage children to become better at lying rather than more honest. • Avoid fact-checking or embarrassing your child in the moment. • Give kids an "off-ramp" from a lie by asking curious questions instead of accusing them. • Build the skills and relationships underneath the story so your child doesn't need to exaggerate to feel valued. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE "Kids tell the truth when it's safe to tell the truth." RESOURCES MENTIONED • Theory of mind and children's cognitive development • Research on lying and child development • Happy Families resources on helping kids build friendships ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Stay calm. A young child's lie isn't automatically a red flag. • Look underneath it. Ask whether your child is seeking connection, competence, attention, or belonging. • Don't shame or ridicule them. Especially in front of other people. • Give them an off-ramp. Try, "Which parts did you do?" rather than catching them out. • Make honesty safe. Harsh punishment can make telling the truth feel too costly. • Build real competence. Help them practise the skill so next time they can proudly say, "I did it myself." See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, this is the Happy Families podcast. Oh my goodness,
[0:08] Speaker 1: Kids and lying. It's one of those things that's for me,
[0:11] Speaker 1: at least, one of those hot button topics. I get
[0:14] Speaker 1: pretty frustrated when the kids lie to me, and sometimes
[0:17] Speaker 1: I forget what it is to be a parenting expert.
[0:18] Speaker 1: I'm not going to lie because lying is bad, and
[0:21] Speaker 1: lying triggers me, and therefore it would be wrong of
[0:24] Speaker 1: me to lie. I don't know why I said I'm
[0:25] Speaker 1: not going to lie. It just came out. Kylie. Just
[0:27] Speaker 1: one of those things. I'm trying to do an intro
[0:29] Speaker 1: and I'm tripping myself up already. So here's the situation.
[0:32] Speaker 1: You've got a five year old. She stands up at
[0:33] Speaker 1: show and Tell with an origami penguin. She tells the
[0:36] Speaker 1: whole class that she made it herself, no instructions, no help,
[0:40] Speaker 1: but she didn't Dad folded most of the origami penguin,
[0:45] Speaker 1: and then she garnishes the light with a fictional story
[0:47] Speaker 1: about her baby sister. Her mum wants to know, is
[0:49] Speaker 1: my daughter's storytelling a red flag because in twenty twenty
[0:53] Speaker 1: six there are red flags everywhere? Or is this something
[0:56] Speaker 1: that we can feel good about? Kids lying feeling good.
[1:00] Speaker 1: The short answer, she isn't broken, she's marketing marketing. What well,
[1:07] Speaker 1: I'll tell you more right after the break. Stay with us. Hello,
[1:12] Speaker 1: this is the Happy Families Podcast Tricky Questions on Tuesdays.
[1:15] Speaker 1: That's what we're doing today, The Happy Families Podcast Real
[1:18] Speaker 1: Pairing Solutions every day as straight A's most downloaded pairing podcast.
[1:20] Speaker 1: We are Justin and Kylie corson Paris of six Kids.
[1:22] Speaker 1: I'm the author of eleven books, host of a TV
[1:25] Speaker 1: show on Channel nine, Parental Guidance, three seasons available to
[1:28] Speaker 1: watch on nine now and every Tuesday. On the pod,
[1:30] Speaker 1: we answer your tricky questions. You can ask us anything
[1:33] Speaker 1: at all that's on your mind about anything parenting related,
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[1:39] Speaker 1: well almost talk about almost anything, kind of. If you'd
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[1:52] Speaker 1: button and start talking. So easy, Just like Melanie who
[1:56] Speaker 1: wants to know the answer to this question?
[1:58] Speaker 2: Hi, doctor, Colson. It's constant storytelling, something I need to
[2:01] Speaker 2: nip in the bud early if it's linked to other
[2:03] Speaker 2: more concerning factors. My five year old daughter's weekly show
[2:07] Speaker 2: and tell sessions at daycare have become a stretch of
[2:10] Speaker 2: the truth. To say the least, my husband and I
[2:13] Speaker 2: often laugh about it. For example, today she showed an
[2:16] Speaker 2: origami penguin. I did most of it for her, using
[2:19] Speaker 2: some instructions, and her baby sister was asleep when we
[2:22] Speaker 2: did it. She told the class she made it herself
[2:25] Speaker 2: without anyone or anything, and the kids apparently laughed when
[2:28] Speaker 2: she told them her baby sister tried to make one too,
[2:31] Speaker 2: and it looked like just a piece of paper. So
[2:33] Speaker 2: her show and tell was a big fat lie. She
[2:36] Speaker 2: has anxiety around her new daycare because other kids have
[2:39] Speaker 2: long term, established friendships, and also because she feels left
[2:42] Speaker 2: behind in what they're learning when she only attends two
[2:45] Speaker 2: days a week. I assume the show and tell is
[2:48] Speaker 2: her way of connecting with her peers and showing them
[2:51] Speaker 2: she's not as behind in other skills outside class. So
[2:54] Speaker 2: do we just laugh about this and brye away? Thank you?
[2:57] Speaker 1: So the first thing that I want to say is hell,
[2:59] Speaker 1: awesome are our listeners and how great of their question is,
[3:02] Speaker 1: how thoughtful, how well constructed are their questions. She's fine,
[3:07] Speaker 1: She's fine, it's a great question. Like, I'm so into it.
[3:12] Speaker 1: All right, let's start with some data. I want to
[3:14] Speaker 1: start with some data because this is my I love
[3:16] Speaker 1: this topic. There's a bunch of researches around the world
[3:19] Speaker 1: who have done studies on kids lying. They found that
[3:22] Speaker 1: around about thirty percent of two year olds lie, around
[3:25] Speaker 1: about fifty percent of three year olds lie. By the
[3:29] Speaker 1: age of four, about eighty percent of kids will lie
[3:33] Speaker 1: in experimental settings. So what I would actually suggest to
[3:37] Speaker 1: Melanie is your daughter is on schedule.
[3:39] Speaker 3: Yeah, I was about to say, and I can promise
[3:42] Speaker 3: you that there would be more than her exaggerating and
[3:46] Speaker 3: elaborating the truth.
[3:47] Speaker 1: In that five year old cohort. Yeah, totally. So this
[3:51] Speaker 1: is the critical thing. Lying actually requires neurological development. It's
[3:55] Speaker 1: a developmental process, and kids get better as they get
[3:57] Speaker 1: older because lying requires this thing called theory of mind. Sorry,
[4:01] Speaker 1: not all lying. Like, sometimes kids will look at you
[4:03] Speaker 1: when they're they're going to get in trouble and you say,
[4:05] Speaker 1: did you draw on the carpet with red paint and
[4:08] Speaker 1: they're standing here with the red paint in their hand,
[4:10] Speaker 1: and they were like, no, And that's just because they're
[4:12] Speaker 1: scared of being in trouble. But really good lying requires
[4:16] Speaker 1: this thing psychologists called theory of mind. Theory of mind
[4:20] Speaker 1: essentially is being able to understand what other people believe
[4:23] Speaker 1: in their minds in your own mind, even if you
[4:25] Speaker 1: believe something different. The idea is, with theory of mind,
[4:30] Speaker 1: you have the executive function to tell people to believe
[4:34] Speaker 1: something that you don't believe yourself, because by getting them
[4:37] Speaker 1: to believe it, you can basically give them a false
[4:41] Speaker 1: narrative that supports you in the thing that you're trying
[4:44] Speaker 1: to do. So what we're really talking about here is
[4:47] Speaker 1: cognitive horsepower. And I know that that's probably sounding like
[4:52] Speaker 1: I'm trying to put a really really shiny spin online,
[4:56] Speaker 1: but researchers literally use the ability to lie as a
[5:01] Speaker 1: marker of healthy development.
[5:03] Speaker 3: I can remember when I was a young girl, my
[5:05] Speaker 3: mom was learning a new skill in the kitchen and
[5:07] Speaker 3: she decided to make some jam. And I've never seen
[5:09] Speaker 3: it done before, but she put like a wax top
[5:13] Speaker 3: on top of the jam to preserve it so it
[5:17] Speaker 3: could sit in the cupboard for a longer period of time, okay.
[5:20] Speaker 3: And there was like all these jars on the bench
[5:24] Speaker 3: open with this waxy top, and it was just so
[5:28] Speaker 3: tempting to touch it, right, And I may have put
[5:31] Speaker 3: my finger in more than one.
[5:33] Speaker 1: Of course you did, because one's never enough.
[5:36] Speaker 3: Yeah, And I blamed my sister, and my mum believed
[5:42] Speaker 3: her because I would never do anything like that.
[5:45] Speaker 1: This explains so much. This explains so much. Before Eland
[5:50] Speaker 1: gets really righteous about the kids selling lies, I just
[5:52] Speaker 1: want to point out that adults research shows that House
[5:57] Speaker 1: said it. I mean, House is a fictional doctor to
[6:00] Speaker 1: mini series, but House was right.
[6:03] Speaker 3: Everybody lies.
[6:05] Speaker 1: Yeah, there's some diary studies that find that adults lie
[6:08] Speaker 1: in roughly one in five social interactions. So what I
[6:13] Speaker 1: would say is that if you've got a five year
[6:15] Speaker 1: old or an eight year old or a fourteen year
[6:16] Speaker 1: old who's telling lies, they didn't invent spin. What they
[6:21] Speaker 1: did was they joined humanity. They've been watching what's going
[6:24] Speaker 1: on and they're like, yeah, I need to get in
[6:26] Speaker 1: as well. All right, so let's talk about solutions. Let's
[6:29] Speaker 1: talk about what's really going on here. What I would
[6:32] Speaker 1: say is that this isn't necessarily a lying problem. Based
[6:35] Speaker 1: on what you've said, Melanie, I think that this is
[6:37] Speaker 1: a relationship. Yeah, it's a relatedness, belonging, fitting in kind
[6:42] Speaker 1: of problem. Maybe also a competence problem. We always talk
[6:44] Speaker 1: about three basic psychological needs on this podcast. They need
[6:47] Speaker 1: to fit in, they need to feel competent, and they
[6:49] Speaker 1: need to have choice and autonomy. And I think it's
[6:51] Speaker 1: probably the first two. She's had a new daycare, she's
[6:55] Speaker 1: only there two days a week. There's a whole lot
[6:56] Speaker 1: of other friendships that are already established. She's trying to
[6:59] Speaker 1: show them that she is capable and that she deserves
[7:04] Speaker 1: to be friends with someone because look at the awesome
[7:06] Speaker 1: stuff that I can do. I can make an impressive
[7:08] Speaker 1: origami penguin. I feel like this is like her LinkedIn
[7:12] Speaker 1: profile right now. She's putting up there and saying, look
[7:14] Speaker 1: at me, you need to hire me and bring me
[7:16] Speaker 1: into your friendship group so that we can make our
[7:18] Speaker 1: friendship group even more awesome. My central thing here is
[7:22] Speaker 1: to probably not ask so much how do I stop this?
[7:27] Speaker 1: I'm more inclined to say what does she need? What
[7:31] Speaker 1: does she need? And after the break, we're going to
[7:32] Speaker 1: talk about how we can support those basic psychological needs
[7:36] Speaker 1: and give her the things she needs to do. Stay wards,
[7:48] Speaker 1: We're back with the Happy Families podcast, Kids and lying
[7:51] Speaker 1: Melanie's question, do we just laugh and ride the wave?
[7:54] Speaker 3: Kylie Well and your answer at the beginning, you acknowledge
[7:58] Speaker 3: that this was about marketing? Are you? Are you suggesting
[8:00] Speaker 3: that Melanie's daughter is marketing herself. She's trying to create
[8:05] Speaker 3: a positive spin about who she is in an effort
[8:08] Speaker 3: to recruit friends completely.
[8:10] Speaker 1: I'm going to put myself in it here. I remember
[8:13] Speaker 1: when I was at Central Coast Grammar School, probably in
[8:15] Speaker 1: about grade nine, and there was this nationwide concert around
[8:20] Speaker 1: the country. There were concerts in Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne and Adelaide.
[8:25] Speaker 1: I can't remember what it was called now, but there
[8:27] Speaker 1: was this really like there were all of these It
[8:30] Speaker 1: was being simulcast on TV. And while the acts were
[8:33] Speaker 1: on in one city, that was being telecast while acts
[8:36] Speaker 1: in other cities were getting ready. And so each artist
[8:39] Speaker 1: they were all Australian. It was Kate Sabrano and Paul
[8:41] Speaker 1: Kelly and John Farnaman whoever else was there the hooda
[8:43] Speaker 1: gurus and I was watching it because I was just
[8:47] Speaker 1: such a music junkie when I was a kid, when
[8:50] Speaker 1: I showed up at school the following Monday, and everybody
[8:53] Speaker 1: asked about whether they'd been people have been watching the concert.
[8:56] Speaker 1: There were a bunch of kids from my school who
[8:58] Speaker 1: had gone to Sydney to watch the concert, and I
[9:01] Speaker 1: was so jealous. But for some reason, I felt like
[9:04] Speaker 1: Adelaide had the best concert based on what I'd seen
[9:06] Speaker 1: on the TV. And so I just told everybody that
[9:07] Speaker 1: I went to Adelaide, that I'd flown to Adelaide for
[9:10] Speaker 1: the weekend to watch the concert, because that was my
[9:14] Speaker 1: way of saying, look at me, I'm important. I do
[9:17] Speaker 1: cool stuff. This was a marketing exercise. It was a
[9:20] Speaker 1: big fat, hairy lie, but it was essentially me saying,
[9:24] Speaker 1: notice me, think I'm valuable, think I'm important. So if
[9:27] Speaker 1: I go back to Melanie's question, do we just laugh
[9:30] Speaker 1: and ride the wave? I would actually say, for the
[9:32] Speaker 1: most part, yeah, don't take it too seriously, don't get
[9:37] Speaker 1: really hot under the collar about this. But I would
[9:40] Speaker 1: say that there are two amendments, two adjustments, two tweaks
[9:44] Speaker 1: that I would make to the statement. The first is,
[9:45] Speaker 1: don't laugh at her. We don't want her to feel
[9:48] Speaker 1: like we're laughing at her because a child who discovers
[9:52] Speaker 1: that her stories are the family's entertainment, like the family's
[9:57] Speaker 1: comedy content comes from me. That she's valuable because of
[10:01] Speaker 1: her performances and because of her lies. And I don't
[10:04] Speaker 1: think that's helpful. I think the second thing to highlight
[10:07] Speaker 1: is you want to ride this wave, but try not
[10:10] Speaker 1: to steer it too strongly. Otherwise force creates a resistance.
[10:13] Speaker 1: We talk about that on the pod all the time.
[10:16] Speaker 1: There's some really interesting research. I've always been fascinated by
[10:19] Speaker 1: this data on parental guidance. A couple of years ago,
[10:22] Speaker 1: I highlighted that parents who forced their kids to apologize
[10:25] Speaker 1: are teaching their kids to lie. I want to say
[10:31] Speaker 1: something kind of provocative. Forcing children to apologize is teaching
[10:37] Speaker 1: children to lie. Parents often think they need to be
[10:42] Speaker 1: coach and cheerleader and umpire, But parents who encourage their
[10:46] Speaker 1: kids to figure it out for themselves, those kids are
[10:48] Speaker 1: going to have more resilience, more confidence, and more life
[10:51] Speaker 1: skills than if their parents are the ones that are
[10:52] Speaker 1: doing it all. And that did not go down well
[10:55] Speaker 1: with the audience, Like people were really upset that I said,
[10:58] Speaker 1: and I stamp by it. It's absolutely true. But basically
[11:01] Speaker 1: the research in this area finds that kids in punitive
[11:05] Speaker 1: environments don't lie less, they lie more, and they actually
[11:11] Speaker 1: get better at lying as well. Why because when you're
[11:14] Speaker 1: cracking down on the kids for their dishonesty, they're not
[11:17] Speaker 1: going to become more honest, they're just going to become
[11:19] Speaker 1: more skillful at lying.
[11:21] Speaker 3: Well. The chances are that you're going to get in
[11:24] Speaker 3: trouble for telling the truth because you've done the wrong thing,
[11:26] Speaker 3: and you're going to get in trouble if you lie
[11:28] Speaker 3: because you've lied, like it feels like a lose lose situation.
[11:33] Speaker 1: What you've just said is this honesty becomes costly. Yes,
[11:36] Speaker 1: if you're going to get in trouble for telling the truth,
[11:37] Speaker 1: and so you're just going to lie. You might get
[11:39] Speaker 1: in trouble for lying, but you're going to get in
[11:40] Speaker 1: trouble for doing the wrong thing and telling the truth
[11:41] Speaker 1: about it anyway, So you might as well lie and
[11:43] Speaker 1: take your chances because maybe you might even get away
[11:45] Speaker 1: with it. Kids tell the truth when it's safe to
[11:49] Speaker 1: tell the truth. They don't tell the truth when lying
[11:52] Speaker 1: is dangerous, because if telling the truth is dangerous, then
[11:56] Speaker 1: they'll take the odds of the lie. And there's one
[11:58] Speaker 1: other thing that I'd highlight now that I think about it,
[12:00] Speaker 1: and that is I don't think it's helpful to fact
[12:02] Speaker 1: check your kids in real time, like when they're telling
[12:05] Speaker 1: the lie. That's not the time to jump in and
[12:07] Speaker 1: fact check them. If you do that. First of all,
[12:11] Speaker 1: it's just a bad look. But it's just a it
[12:15] Speaker 1: just doesn't work strategically. What I'd much rather hear you say,
[12:19] Speaker 1: if your child's saying I folded the Origami penguin, I'd
[12:22] Speaker 1: much rather hear you say you folded that. Which parts
[12:25] Speaker 1: did you fold? Show me which parts you folded, and
[12:28] Speaker 1: so that way they can sort of do a little
[12:29] Speaker 1: bit of unfolding that it's like they've got an off
[12:32] Speaker 1: ramp from the lie. So they can just say, oh,
[12:33] Speaker 1: I did this bit in this bit, and to me,
[12:36] Speaker 1: that's that's more helpful. So let's go back to the
[12:39] Speaker 1: basic psychological needs. This little five year old wants to
[12:42] Speaker 1: feel like she has friends, So we've got to work
[12:45] Speaker 1: on the friendship issue. We've done a million podcasts about
[12:48] Speaker 1: how we can help kids have friends, and we want
[12:50] Speaker 1: to help them to feel competent. So what I would do.
[12:53] Speaker 1: If I was Mum or Dad in this situation, is
[12:55] Speaker 1: I'd say, hey, let's do oragarmy again. Yeah, I was
[12:57] Speaker 1: about to say that, and I'm I'm not going to
[13:00] Speaker 1: to test you. What I'm going to do instead is
[13:02] Speaker 1: I'm going to fold it, and you're going to fold
[13:04] Speaker 1: yours beside me, and now you can go to show
[13:08] Speaker 1: and tell and show them the one that you folded
[13:10] Speaker 1: all by yourself, and you can feel way better about
[13:12] Speaker 1: showing them that. And I don't know, I feel like
[13:16] Speaker 1: a wonky penguin. It Show and tell is going to
[13:17] Speaker 1: beat a perfect one that Mum made or that Dad
[13:19] Speaker 1: made every single time. I just feel like they're going
[13:22] Speaker 1: to show that penguin off with the puffed out chest
[13:24] Speaker 1: and feel so good about themselves.
[13:26] Speaker 3: So is there any point where we should actually start
[13:29] Speaker 3: to be concerned when it comes to lying.
[13:32] Speaker 1: If it's escalating, if it's going on and on and on,
[13:35] Speaker 1: and there's no willingness to work on this again at five?
[13:38] Speaker 1: I'm not too bothered. Yeah, I'm really not. It's just
[13:40] Speaker 1: about modeling the truth, asking them questions about the bit
[13:44] Speaker 1: that they did in the bit that they didn't do.
[13:46] Speaker 1: It's about those kinds of things.
[13:48] Speaker 3: Could you kind of like be lighthearted about it and say, oh,
[13:51] Speaker 3: I thought mummy helped you like we did together, didn't
[13:54] Speaker 3: we Would that be okay?
[13:57] Speaker 1: Or are you suggesting it would be fine? But I'm
[14:00] Speaker 1: I'm inclined to just let it go. I don't think
[14:02] Speaker 1: that it's that big of a deal. Here's how I
[14:05] Speaker 1: would wrap this up. Little kids tell lies because they
[14:08] Speaker 1: want what every single human wants. They want connection, they
[14:13] Speaker 1: want to feel important, they want to feel impressive, they
[14:15] Speaker 1: want to look good, they want a little bit of status.
[14:19] Speaker 1: So I don't think there's any value in beating up
[14:22] Speaker 1: on the storyteller here. What I think we need to
[14:25] Speaker 1: do instead is we need to go to the root
[14:28] Speaker 1: of it and say, where is the storytelling come from? Oh,
[14:30] Speaker 1: you want to feel important, you want to have friends,
[14:32] Speaker 1: you want to look good. So let's help it develop
[14:35] Speaker 1: the competence so that she can hold up the ping
[14:36] Speaker 1: when that she did herself. And let's have a bunch
[14:39] Speaker 1: of people around her who are going to celebrate the
[14:40] Speaker 1: fact that she did it because they're really her friends.
[14:43] Speaker 1: That's kind of what I'm going to suggest. Five year
[14:46] Speaker 1: olds aren't lying because they're bad, They're lying because they
[14:50] Speaker 1: are smart and lonely, and they're probably a little bit
[14:54] Speaker 1: light on life experience, and so they're trying to make
[14:57] Speaker 1: it up. Like a fourteen year old who really thought
[14:59] Speaker 1: that if you told everyone that he went to a
[15:01] Speaker 1: concert in Adelaide, he'd look cooler than everyone who went
[15:05] Speaker 1: to the one in Sydney. Incidentally, no one thought I
[15:07] Speaker 1: was any cooler. I didn't make any more friends because
[15:11] Speaker 1: of the lie. And maybe that's the big lesson for
[15:13] Speaker 1: her to learn if anything, telling lies doesn't actually build
[15:15] Speaker 1: better relationships and build better friendships, Melanie, We really hope
[15:18] Speaker 1: that helps with your question. If you've got tricky questions,
[15:21] Speaker 1: send them through to us via voice notes, email podcasts
[15:24] Speaker 1: at Happy families dot com dot you, or just go
[15:26] Speaker 1: to the website, scroll down to podcasts, click the record
[15:28] Speaker 1: button start talking with our super simple system. Sound and
[15:32] Speaker 1: audio engineering for the Happy FAMILYES podcast is by Justin
[15:35] Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media, with Mimhammit's providing support and other
[15:39] Speaker 1: admin assistance. If you'd like more info to make your
[15:41] Speaker 1: family happier, you'll find it at happy families dot com
[15:44] Speaker 1: dot Au and tomorrow on the pod, a very deep,
[15:47] Speaker 1: very serious conversation about the scourge of pornography and how
[15:50] Speaker 1: it's affecting not our boys, but our girls. Talk to
[15:53] Speaker 1: you tomorrow.

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