# Responding to Your Child About Body Safety (John Cardamone)

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 17 Mar 2026, 16 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/4186b2bd-9ce7-493c-89da-b4020091203d/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

What happens in the moment a child finally says something is wrong? For many children experiencing abuse, it takes years to speak up - if they ever do. And when they finally tell someone, the response they receive can shape the rest of their healing. In this powerful conversation, Dr Justin Coulson speaks with body-safety educator and survivor John Cardamone about what children actually need to feel safe enough to disclose abuse - and the critical mistakes adults often make in the first moments after a child tells them. John shares his own experience of abuse as a child, the two years it took him to speak up, and the simple but life-changing framework every parent should know if a child ever confides in them. This is a difficult topic - but one every parent needs to understand. KEY POINTS • Most children who experience sexual abuse know the person involved. • Many children try to disclose through behaviour before words. • Kids are far more likely to speak up when they feel safe, connected, and heard in everyday moments. • The way parents respond to small problems trains children whether it’s safe to share bigger ones. • Traditional “stranger danger” messaging can miss the reality that abuse is usually committed by someone known to the child. • Body safety education should be ongoing, simple, and part of everyday conversation. • A parent’s first response to a disclosure can either start the healing process or deepen the trauma. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “The way you respond to a disclosure can either start the healing process… or prolong the trauma.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Website: johncardamone.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Create safety in everyday moments. How you respond to spilled milk, mistakes, or bad behaviour teaches children whether it’s safe to talk to you. • Talk about body safety regularly. Make it an ongoing conversation rather than a single serious talk. • Focus on “strange behaviours,” not just strangers. Most abuse happens with someone the child knows. • If a child discloses something difficult, stay calm. Children mirror the emotional reactions of adults. • Follow the “BeCalmer” approach. • Be calm • Believe them • Acknowledge what they said • Validate their feelings See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:06] Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. What does it
[0:09] Speaker 1: actually take for a child to tell us when something
[0:13] Speaker 1: is wrong? And I'm talking about the heavy stuff. I'm
[0:16] Speaker 1: talking about body safety abuse? And when they do tell
[0:20] Speaker 1: us that something's wrong, how do we respond in those
[0:23] Speaker 1: first critical moments because our response can change everything. John
[0:29] Speaker 1: Cartermonne is a body safety educator and a disclosure response
[0:34] Speaker 1: specialist and he knows this territory, unfortunately from the insight,
[0:40] Speaker 1: not just from the books. Sexually abuse. At the age
[0:43] Speaker 1: of six, he spent over thirty years on a healing
[0:46] Speaker 1: journey that has taught him something vital. Connection and belonging
[0:51] Speaker 1: are not just nice to have is They're the foundation
[0:54] Speaker 1: that allows children to survive trauma without it defining their future. Today.
[0:59] Speaker 1: John works with families and educators to create the conditions
[1:01] Speaker 1: where children feel safe enough to speak up and where
[1:05] Speaker 1: adults know how to respond when children open their mouths
[1:09] Speaker 1: and say those words that no parent ever wants to hear.
[1:14] Speaker 1: John cartermon with me on the Happy Families podcast is next. Hello,
[1:20] Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where we give you
[1:22] Speaker 1: real parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's most
[1:25] Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast, John Cardamone, I've already done the intro.
[1:29] Speaker 1: Welcome and thanks for spending some time with me today.
[1:32] Speaker 2: Thank you so much, doctor Justin Colson. It's an absolute
[1:36] Speaker 2: pleasure to be here and for you to give some
[1:39] Speaker 2: time to a really important topic.
[1:41] Speaker 1: John, just before we start the conversation, a quick heads
[1:44] Speaker 1: up if parents hadn't already ascertained, we're going to deal
[1:46] Speaker 1: with some pretty heavy stuff today. This might be one
[1:49] Speaker 1: where you think about whether the kids listened to it.
[1:51] Speaker 1: Perhaps you want to listen to it first before you
[1:53] Speaker 1: put it in front of the kids. Just some sensitive
[1:56] Speaker 1: information and content coming your way. So John, let's start
[1:59] Speaker 1: with you your story to the degree that you're comfortable
[2:02] Speaker 1: sharing it, and in the short time that we have
[2:05] Speaker 1: you were six when you're sexually abused. You've described that
[2:07] Speaker 1: two year experience and the thirty years plus since then
[2:11] Speaker 1: as a healing journey. Tell us briefly what happened and
[2:17] Speaker 1: what it's taught you about what children need most when
[2:19] Speaker 1: they're going through something like this.
[2:21] Speaker 2: Absolutely, thank you Justin. Again, As you mentioned, when I
[2:26] Speaker 2: was six years old, I started to be sexually abused
[2:28] Speaker 2: by a family member, a trusted family member at that
[2:31] Speaker 2: point in time, and when I wanted to disclose, I
[2:36] Speaker 2: was disclosing, but I was disclosing through behavior. And we know,
[2:41] Speaker 2: well most of us know, hopefully that behavior is all behaviors,
[2:45] Speaker 2: is a form of communication. I just didn't have the
[2:47] Speaker 2: skills to be able to do that verbally, and there
[2:51] Speaker 2: was a number of reasons why. But took me two
[2:55] Speaker 2: years to be able to disclose to my mum. And look,
[2:59] Speaker 2: this is no one's fault apart from the perpetrator. But
[3:01] Speaker 2: I truly believe if we start body safety education and
[3:06] Speaker 2: really creating those preconditions for our children to feel safe,
[3:11] Speaker 2: what unsafe can feel like, what it can look like.
[3:14] Speaker 2: I really think there's a lot of prevention work that
[3:17] Speaker 2: can happen and really have an impact on over ninety
[3:21] Speaker 2: percent of children that are sexually abused. It happens to
[3:26] Speaker 2: someone that they know. So I just to add on
[3:30] Speaker 2: to that before I finish up that little loop, I
[3:33] Speaker 2: want your listeners. I want to challenge their thoughts and
[3:36] Speaker 2: what they know. A lot of good things come out
[3:39] Speaker 2: of the eighties and nineties, a lot of good footing
[3:41] Speaker 2: AFL I'm talking about, But one thing that I think
[3:45] Speaker 2: needs to be a little bit on the back burner
[3:46] Speaker 2: and have an open mind. Is stranger danger. I think
[3:50] Speaker 2: if we change the conversations to strange behaviors. I'm not
[3:54] Speaker 2: saying that strangers don't do bad things, but as I said,
[3:57] Speaker 2: when it comes to sexual abuse, over ninety percent of
[4:00] Speaker 2: that is happening to people that we do know, to
[4:03] Speaker 2: the trold in particular. So I think instead of stranger danger,
[4:07] Speaker 2: I teach with my kids strange behaviors, which incorporates everyone.
[4:10] Speaker 1: Yeah, John really important. I remember talking with my kids
[4:13] Speaker 1: one time, just said, one day you might need to
[4:16] Speaker 1: rely on the goodness of a stranger, and if I
[4:19] Speaker 1: teach you that strangers are dangerous, then you could end
[4:22] Speaker 1: up in a whole lot more trouble. So talking to
[4:24] Speaker 1: them about which strangers they might approach first, and unfortunately
[4:27] Speaker 1: there is a hierarchy. We know that some people are
[4:29] Speaker 1: going to be safer than others, but talking to them
[4:31] Speaker 1: about being confident enough to approach a stranger and asking
[4:35] Speaker 1: for help if they need to is really valuable. And
[4:38] Speaker 1: also recognizing where most abuse comes from tends to be
[4:42] Speaker 1: people who are known and trusted. There's a phrase that
[4:45] Speaker 1: you used as you were answering that question and sharing
[4:49] Speaker 1: your story that definitely needs to be unpacked a little deeper.
[4:53] Speaker 1: You talked about the preconditions for safety. So preconditions is
[4:59] Speaker 1: this idea that children feel safe enough to disclose and
[5:04] Speaker 1: most parents can get their head around that. I need
[5:05] Speaker 1: to create an environment where I'm kind and I'm present
[5:09] Speaker 1: and my children can tell me anything, right, and every
[5:12] Speaker 1: parent gets that. But you've shared you really, I know
[5:18] Speaker 1: you behave You was challenging, but there was nothing explicit here.
[5:22] Speaker 1: You weren't saying, mum, something bad is happening. There's abuse.
[5:26] Speaker 1: It's happening in my life right now. So many kids,
[5:30] Speaker 1: the majority of kids probably still stay silent about abuse,
[5:34] Speaker 1: and they do it for years and even decades. So
[5:38] Speaker 1: my question for you here is to create those preconditions
[5:41] Speaker 1: for safety? What are we missing? Like, what actually creates
[5:46] Speaker 1: the conditions where a child really does feel safe enough
[5:49] Speaker 1: to speak it?
[5:52] Speaker 2: Really? It's it's really complex, but it's not. And when
[5:55] Speaker 2: I say it's complex, because as you would know better
[5:57] Speaker 2: than me, there's no parenting one oh one book because
[6:00] Speaker 2: every household and every community is different. But when it
[6:05] Speaker 2: comes down to it, it's really simplistic. You look at
[6:08] Speaker 2: Maslow's hierarchy of needs that seem to have vanished in schools,
[6:13] Speaker 2: in teaching, But it really comes down to the baseline
[6:16] Speaker 2: of that is that all children need to have connection, security,
[6:19] Speaker 2: and feel safe. And how do we do that, Well,
[6:21] Speaker 2: it's by communication. It's by setting boundaries. And when I
[6:27] Speaker 2: do say boundaries, all children do need boundaries. And that
[6:31] Speaker 2: looks different in every household. Again, but there needs to
[6:35] Speaker 2: be open communication. And the other flip side of that
[6:38] Speaker 2: is the way we respond to a child spilling milk
[6:42] Speaker 2: or water. If we're responding in a really angry manner,
[6:46] Speaker 2: well that's going to set up conditions where that you know,
[6:49] Speaker 2: when there's abuse happening to a child, a lot of
[6:51] Speaker 2: the time, they'll think it's their fault. So their condition already,
[6:55] Speaker 2: or their pre disposition to that is that they can't
[6:57] Speaker 2: tell because you know, I spill some milk and water
[7:00] Speaker 2: and I get yelled out. So that's a really tiny thing,
[7:03] Speaker 2: but I think that's a really important reminder that we
[7:06] Speaker 2: need to create those conditions where children feel safe that
[7:09] Speaker 2: they can speak to us, even the minor things, because
[7:12] Speaker 2: those minor things really make up the big things. Now
[7:16] Speaker 2: you're just discussing how how do we create those preconditions
[7:18] Speaker 2: for the big things. But it could be bullying at school,
[7:21] Speaker 2: it could be being teased, and then it continues online.
[7:24] Speaker 2: The way I think about it is we're really good
[7:27] Speaker 2: at teaching maths, you know, fractions and decimals, and we
[7:31] Speaker 2: know we need to teach that explicitly, and if our
[7:34] Speaker 2: children are struggling with that as parents, we get worried
[7:37] Speaker 2: and we get a tutor. But this is no different
[7:39] Speaker 2: when it comes to body safety esseducation. It needs to
[7:41] Speaker 2: be ongoing, it needs to be explicit. And when I
[7:44] Speaker 2: say explicit, I'm not saying that it's a dangerous conversation
[7:48] Speaker 2: where everyone you know, the blinds are shut and we're
[7:51] Speaker 2: having eye to eye conversations. It's around the dinner table.
[7:54] Speaker 2: I mean with my five year old, she'll say, oh, Daddy,
[7:56] Speaker 2: I know what to do if someone touches my bum,
[7:58] Speaker 2: and so it's just as innocent as that. And then
[8:01] Speaker 2: your role modeling with your partner and saying, yeah, someone
[8:03] Speaker 2: hit me to that work, but I was calm, I
[8:06] Speaker 2: moved away. It's all those kind of conversations. But one
[8:10] Speaker 2: thing is role modeling to children, because they can't be
[8:13] Speaker 2: what they can't see. A lot of the time, So
[8:15] Speaker 2: it's about role modeling. And if you're a single parent,
[8:18] Speaker 2: I know the challenges. Well, not personally, I'm luckily enough
[8:22] Speaker 2: to still be married with my beautiful wife. But it's
[8:24] Speaker 2: having constant, explicit, simple conversations around how to be body
[8:30] Speaker 2: safe and role modeling that and that's the start of
[8:33] Speaker 2: the preconditions and that can look a lot different in
[8:36] Speaker 2: lots of different households.
[8:37] Speaker 1: Youah two things on this first off, In my family,
[8:40] Speaker 1: we have at least two formal conversations around these topics
[8:44] Speaker 1: a year with our kids. We sit down the latter
[8:45] Speaker 1: room and say, all right, today we're going to talking
[8:47] Speaker 1: about blah blah blah, and if we go and sometimes
[8:49] Speaker 1: they're like, oh, we've had this conversation, and yet it's
[8:52] Speaker 1: always a productive chat. It's so funny because as parents
[8:55] Speaker 1: you kind of go, oh, I can't believe we're talking
[8:57] Speaker 1: about this, and then you start the conversation and generally
[9:00] Speaker 1: goes really well, like the kids are interested and they
[9:02] Speaker 1: want to engage. Second thought that I had as I
[9:05] Speaker 1: was listening to what you said, John, is the preconditions
[9:08] Speaker 1: are actually set with the little things, right, like when
[9:11] Speaker 1: they can talk to you about the little things, and
[9:13] Speaker 1: they know they've got your attention. That repeated pattern of
[9:18] Speaker 1: behavior sets things up so that they know that you'll
[9:21] Speaker 1: pay attention to the big things. If they know that
[9:23] Speaker 1: you won't listen to the little things, sometimes they're less
[9:25] Speaker 1: likely to come to you for the big things. So yeah,
[9:28] Speaker 1: just as I was listening to I thought, these are
[9:29] Speaker 1: these are a couple a couple of things that are
[9:31] Speaker 1: jumping out at me. After the break, we're going to
[9:34] Speaker 1: have a look at what to do if your child
[9:35] Speaker 1: does disclose abuse or something traumatic or challenging. Plus how
[9:39] Speaker 1: to know when to step in with your own connection
[9:43] Speaker 1: versus clinical intervention and stay with us. We're back. It's
[9:54] Speaker 1: the Happy Families Podcast. John Cartermoone is my guest today
[9:57] Speaker 1: talking about how to keep our kids safe, how to
[9:59] Speaker 1: have those big conversations about body safety and child protection
[10:04] Speaker 1: and abuse. John, if child does disclose abuse or something traumatic. Actually,
[10:09] Speaker 1: before I asked the question, a quick story, two stories.
[10:11] Speaker 1: Somebody quite close to me was abused as a child
[10:15] Speaker 1: somewhere around about ten eleven maybe twelve years of age.
[10:17] Speaker 1: There was a visiting family member from overseas who made
[10:21] Speaker 1: an approach to this person and their friend who were
[10:25] Speaker 1: having a hangout at another family member's house. The friend
[10:27] Speaker 1: was able to get away without any issues, but this
[10:30] Speaker 1: particular child was harmed by this man. When she went
[10:34] Speaker 1: to her mom and explained what had happened, her mum
[10:37] Speaker 1: literally turned around, slapped her in the face and said,
[10:40] Speaker 1: don't ever speak about that again. I mean just it's
[10:44] Speaker 1: jaw droppingly tragic to hear a story like that, and
[10:48] Speaker 1: hopefully breathtakingly unusual as well, nevertheless true story. The second
[10:53] Speaker 1: story that I always share when I'm talking about this
[10:55] Speaker 1: is my mum shared this when she was quite young.
[11:00] Speaker 1: Her father had a friend over though I was spending
[11:01] Speaker 1: some time together, and the man, when my grandfather left
[11:04] Speaker 1: the room, made an indecent approach to my mum. It
[11:09] Speaker 1: wasn't serious, there was nothing heavy about it. It wasn't
[11:12] Speaker 1: the kind of thing where she's going to be traumatized
[11:14] Speaker 1: for a lifetime. But it was absolutely indecent and absolutely inappropriate,
[11:18] Speaker 1: and she when the man left the house, because my
[11:23] Speaker 1: grandfather came back into the room moments later. When he left,
[11:27] Speaker 1: my mum told my grandfather what had happened, and he
[11:30] Speaker 1: got down on his knees in front of her. He apologized,
[11:33] Speaker 1: and he said that man will never ever ever set
[11:36] Speaker 1: foot in our house again. And I'm so glad you
[11:39] Speaker 1: told me. I mean, you couldn't get a bigger contrast
[11:42] Speaker 1: between those two responses. If a child discloses something concerning,
[11:47] Speaker 1: whether it's abuse or just I felt really uncomfortable in
[11:50] Speaker 1: this situation, whether it's our child or they're telling us
[11:53] Speaker 1: about a friend or something like that, getting that response
[11:58] Speaker 1: right matters because I imagine that our instincts are going
[12:02] Speaker 1: to go in all sorts of different directions. What do
[12:05] Speaker 1: you counsel parents to say in this situation?
[12:09] Speaker 2: Yeah, I want to start off with a quote and
[12:11] Speaker 2: then I'll quickly answer that question if that's okay. So
[12:15] Speaker 2: the way you respond to a disclosure can either start
[12:17] Speaker 2: the healing process or prolong it. And your two stories
[12:21] Speaker 2: absolutely show the two different pathways. Unfortunately or fortunately for
[12:26] Speaker 2: that person that was believed from your grandfather, But in
[12:30] Speaker 2: the moment, it is absolutely critical to believe, acknowledge, and
[12:36] Speaker 2: validate what you've just heard. If there's nothing anyone else
[12:41] Speaker 2: gets from this podcast is if there's a disclosure, it
[12:45] Speaker 2: is absolutely vital through your body language and the way
[12:50] Speaker 2: you respond verbally is that they need, and whether it's
[12:53] Speaker 2: a child or an adult, because it takes on average,
[12:56] Speaker 2: it can take twenty four years for someone to disclose
[13:00] Speaker 2: their abuse. So whether a child or an adult disclosers,
[13:04] Speaker 2: it's absolutely vital that you believe, validate, and acknowledge, and
[13:09] Speaker 2: on top of that, you need to stay calm. Children
[13:13] Speaker 2: are like sponges, they're like mirrors. If you're shocked, you're angry,
[13:17] Speaker 2: that's just going to scare them. You know, you don't
[13:20] Speaker 2: have to be a medical scientist understand that, and there's
[13:24] Speaker 2: some people that might not have an understanding. But children
[13:27] Speaker 2: need to feel safe. Find out a compliment that a
[13:29] Speaker 2: child has come to you because they feel safe enough
[13:31] Speaker 2: with you. And there's nothing wrong with panicking. I say
[13:34] Speaker 2: to parents, if you're like a swan, you're really calm
[13:37] Speaker 2: up above the water, but you're panicking underneath. That's absolutely fine,
[13:41] Speaker 2: But the child needs to know that you're got it
[13:43] Speaker 2: under control, you're confident, and you know what you're going
[13:47] Speaker 2: to do next. It's also important that you're not an interrogator.
[13:52] Speaker 2: You're not questioning, because if you're I mean when I
[13:55] Speaker 2: say questioning, it's not who did it? Why didn't you
[14:00] Speaker 2: say something earlier that could really cause huge amount of
[14:04] Speaker 2: trauma to the child, more so than the actual trauma. Look,
[14:07] Speaker 2: I've got a framework that's called be Karma, and it's
[14:10] Speaker 2: not rocket science. However, I know people need a structure
[14:15] Speaker 2: and they need predictability, especially with people that are dealing
[14:18] Speaker 2: with disclosures all the time. But again, if there is
[14:21] Speaker 2: a disclosure, being calm, believing, acknowledging and validating what you've
[14:27] Speaker 2: just heard is absolutely critical to start the healing process.
[14:31] Speaker 1: Great advice, John, I love the acronym, I love the
[14:34] Speaker 1: way that works. We could talk about this for a
[14:36] Speaker 1: long long time. Unfortunately this has a podcast for the time,
[14:40] Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers. Now, if people want
[14:43] Speaker 1: to know more about your work and want to either
[14:46] Speaker 1: get in touch or at least get some more resources
[14:48] Speaker 1: because they've got some concerns, so they just want to
[14:51] Speaker 1: be across this, what's the best way for them to
[14:53] Speaker 1: do that?
[14:54] Speaker 2: For your listeners, if they want to go to johncartermone
[14:57] Speaker 2: dot com dot au. If they say I heard you
[15:00] Speaker 2: one justin Colson's Happy Families podcast, I'd be more than
[15:03] Speaker 2: happy to send my one pager on be Karma. So
[15:06] Speaker 2: becarma it all stands for something such as believe and
[15:09] Speaker 2: validate and so forth, so be more than happy to
[15:12] Speaker 2: send that to them. And it's just a great resource
[15:15] Speaker 2: to have. And you might think this will never happen
[15:18] Speaker 2: to you, but unfortunately want in four children today are
[15:22] Speaker 2: sexually abused and that's just what's reported.
[15:25] Speaker 1: It's enough to send chills. Unfortunately we have to talk
[15:29] Speaker 1: about these topics because the world is not perfect. John,
[15:33] Speaker 1: thanks for having this important conversation with us today. Really
[15:35] Speaker 1: appreciate you taking time out to be on the pod.
[15:37] Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Justin, and hopefully your audience gets
[15:39] Speaker 2: something out of this conversation. Thanks again.
[15:41] Speaker 1: That's John Cartermone. You can check out his website Johncartermone
[15:45] Speaker 1: dot com dot au. The Happy Families podcast is produced
[15:48] Speaker 1: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media and mmhabits provides additional
[15:51] Speaker 1: research and admin support. If you would like additional info
[15:55] Speaker 1: and resources to make your family happier, We'll link to
[15:57] Speaker 1: John's website so that you can contact him to get
[15:59] Speaker 1: that one pager and Happy Families dot com dot au
[16:10] Speaker 1: mm HM

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