# Raising Girls Who Like Themselves & Feel Good in Their Own Skin

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 2 Feb 2026, 17 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/9a80b730-c964-4cc9-9128-b3d600ce7507/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

It’s happening younger than ever. Girls as young as five are worrying about their weight, and by age nine the insecurities can hit hard. In this episode we unpack a listener’s heartbreaking question: “Is my daughter pretty enough?” - and share the practical steps that protect kids from body image pain without making it worse. KEY POINTS • Body image worries now start between ages 5–9 for many girls • Why reassurance backfires & curiosity helps • The 3-step approach: Curious → Validate → Reframe • Teach function over appearance to build positive body appreciation • The strongest predictor: how parents talk about their own bodies • What mothers model → daughters absorb (instantly & powerfully) QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Don’t rush in with reassurance - get curious, not furious.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Misconnection: Why Your Teenage Daughter Hates You, Expects the World, and Needs to Talk by Justin Coulson • The Misconnection Summit • Enough - A video resource for teen girls ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Get Curious (Not Furious): Ask where comments came from before correcting. • Validate the Feelings: “That must have felt really crummy. I’m glad you told me.” • Reframe: Shift to body function (what it does, not how it looks). • Model Neutral-to-Positive Self Talk: No dieting talk, no body bashing, no opting out of photos. • Build Gratitude for the Body: Surfing, running, hugging- celebrate capability. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get
[0:08] Speaker 1: real parenting solutions every single day. Here are some stats
[0:11] Speaker 1: that highlight a problem that most parents, especially parents of
[0:14] Speaker 1: young girls, worry about. If your daughter is between the
[0:17] Speaker 1: age of five and twelve, forty to sixty percent of
[0:21] Speaker 1: girls her age worry about their weight. By the age
[0:25] Speaker 1: of nine, more than fifty percent of girls express concerns
[0:28] Speaker 1: about their body shape. Children as young as five start
[0:32] Speaker 1: expressing concerns about their weight or shape, invariably girls, and
[0:37] Speaker 1: more than fifty percent of girls age six to eight
[0:39] Speaker 1: report being unhappy with their body weight. Today, it's a
[0:44] Speaker 1: tricky question that we're answering from one of our listeners
[0:47] Speaker 1: about body image and helping girls to feel good about
[0:52] Speaker 1: their bodies. Stay with us. Hello and welcome to the
[0:58] Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast, where you get parenting solutions every single day.
[1:02] Speaker 1: This is Australia's most downloaded parenty podcast. We are Justin
[1:05] Speaker 1: and Clyde Colson and every Tuesday on the Happy Families Pod,
[1:08] Speaker 1: we answer your tricky questions. It doesn't matter what it's about,
[1:11] Speaker 1: well pretty much answer any question and if it's a
[1:13] Speaker 1: really short one, we'll do two or even three. Family relationships, wellbeing,
[1:17] Speaker 1: screens discipline. Today, we've got a tricky question about kids
[1:21] Speaker 1: and body image. If you would like to submit your
[1:24] Speaker 1: question so that we can answer them next time, We've
[1:26] Speaker 1: got a really super simple system at happy families dot
[1:29] Speaker 1: com dot You just scroll out to podcasts, click the
[1:31] Speaker 1: record button and start talking. Alternatively, you can send us
[1:34] Speaker 1: a voice note to podcasts at happy families dot com
[1:39] Speaker 1: dot au. Today, an anonymous listener asks this question.
[1:44] Speaker 2: Hi, doctor Justin and Kylie, I need some help. My Nellie,
[1:49] Speaker 2: nine year old daughter has started to repeatedly come home
[1:54] Speaker 2: and complain about certain parts of her body and say
[1:59] Speaker 2: negative thoughts about her body, questioning is she pretty enough,
[2:03] Speaker 2: skinny enough, etc. And it's very concerning to me. We
[2:10] Speaker 2: have done everything we could since she was little to
[2:14] Speaker 2: ensure that she felt confident and positive about her body,
[2:20] Speaker 2: valuing what her body does rather than what it looks like.
[2:24] Speaker 2: Although we are in this position now and I am
[2:29] Speaker 2: looking for some advice on how to best navigate these
[2:33] Speaker 2: insecurities and questions and hopefully avoid it becoming a bigger
[2:39] Speaker 2: issue as she gets older and into her teen years.
[2:43] Speaker 3: Being a mother of six girls, this is something that
[2:48] Speaker 3: we have experienced with all of our girls in different ways. Yep.
[2:55] Speaker 3: And it's so tricky. But what we've experienced as we've
[2:59] Speaker 3: gone through our family is that it's happening younger and younger.
[3:04] Speaker 1: I would agree with that when I wrote Misconnection, while
[3:06] Speaker 1: your teenage daughter hates to expect, the world needs to
[3:08] Speaker 1: talk Misconnection, which is available online. The chapter that I
[3:12] Speaker 1: was most happy with, the chapter where I felt I
[3:14] Speaker 1: did the best job, was the chapter in response to
[3:17] Speaker 1: this kind of a question, how do we help our
[3:19] Speaker 1: daughters with the way that they feel about themselves? You know,
[3:24] Speaker 1: girls above the fiftieth percentile for weight report the greatest
[3:27] Speaker 1: body dissatisfaction seventy one percent seventy one. Nearly three quarters
[3:32] Speaker 1: of girls who are normal weight report being dissatisfied with
[3:35] Speaker 1: their appearance, and the overwhelming majority of girls at every
[3:40] Speaker 1: age will tell you I want this to change. And
[3:45] Speaker 1: I hate to say this, but grade nine, sorry not
[3:47] Speaker 1: grade nine. Age nine is right in the middle of
[3:50] Speaker 1: this critical window where this stuff really starts to boom.
[3:53] Speaker 1: Like I said in the intro, from the age of five,
[3:55] Speaker 1: the data shows that girls are aware of how they
[3:59] Speaker 1: look and as starting to talk about wanting to change things.
[4:03] Speaker 3: It's curious to me that we're even really surprised by
[4:06] Speaker 3: that data, considering that everywhere they look, any magazine, any.
[4:12] Speaker 1: Billboard, TV shows, any social media, on their parents' phones.
[4:16] Speaker 3: Or literally they've got the personification of the perfect body
[4:22] Speaker 3: in front of them every day.
[4:24] Speaker 1: Yeah. So one of the things that I wrote about
[4:27] Speaker 1: in my book, and I really think it's worthy of
[4:30] Speaker 1: emphasis right now, is everywhere you go. And there are
[4:33] Speaker 1: certainly a lot of experts who will argue this, and
[4:35] Speaker 1: there's some Datata supporter as well, so I recognize what
[4:38] Speaker 1: I'm going to say is provocative. Everywhere you go, people say,
[4:41] Speaker 1: teach your kids media literacy. Teach them that it's not real.
[4:43] Speaker 1: Teach them that there's lighting, and there's hair and there's makeup.
[4:45] Speaker 1: And I mean, I just think about all the TV
[4:47] Speaker 1: appearances that I've done, and I'll walk in ten minutes
[4:50] Speaker 1: before my TV appearance, They'll they'll look at me and
[4:53] Speaker 1: maybe pop something on my face. But other than that,
[4:55] Speaker 1: I'm in and out right. And the women who are
[4:58] Speaker 1: on the TV, even if it's only for a five
[4:59] Speaker 1: minute segment, will sometimes spend as much as two hours
[5:02] Speaker 1: in the chair getting their hair and makeup done. And
[5:04] Speaker 1: so the idea is talk about photoshop and teach kids
[5:08] Speaker 1: to be media literate and that will help. And my
[5:10] Speaker 1: pushback against that is, no matter how much you say,
[5:14] Speaker 1: here's what they're doing, the kids can understand that logically,
[5:16] Speaker 1: but it doesn't stop the emotional and cognitive desire to
[5:21] Speaker 1: one day look like that. It doesn't stop the aspiration medialy.
[5:25] Speaker 3: Matter how many times you know tell them that sugar
[5:27] Speaker 3: is bad for you. Right, you look at it every day? Right,
[5:33] Speaker 3: It's desirable?
[5:34] Speaker 2: Yeah?
[5:34] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, so we want it in your life. The
[5:36] Speaker 1: aspiration is there. I don't think teaching media literacy is
[5:39] Speaker 1: the most effective thing. Should it be in the talkit? Yeah?
[5:41] Speaker 1: Probably the evidence suggests so. But let's crack on with
[5:44] Speaker 1: a bunch of other solutions.
[5:47] Speaker 3: I think the first one. I love this one just
[5:50] Speaker 3: it's so powerful if we can kind of curb our
[5:54] Speaker 3: natural reaction to kind of get a little bit frustrated.
[5:57] Speaker 1: Yeah, this is more of a do not rather than
[5:58] Speaker 1: a do Because what you want to say to your daughter,
[6:03] Speaker 1: what do you mean?
[6:04] Speaker 3: I can't believe you'd say that about yourself. Gorgeous, It's
[6:07] Speaker 3: so beautiful. Look at how skinny you are.
[6:09] Speaker 1: You're never going to be this skinny again for the
[6:11] Speaker 1: rest of your life.
[6:12] Speaker 3: Just appreciate it. You'll never have again. All those things,
[6:16] Speaker 3: but the idea that we would get curious when our
[6:19] Speaker 3: kids come to us with their challenges, with their challenging thinking,
[6:23] Speaker 3: instead of getting furious.
[6:24] Speaker 1: So, as a parent who writes books about this, I
[6:30] Speaker 1: struggle so much to do this because I know so
[6:33] Speaker 1: much about it and I just want to jump in
[6:34] Speaker 1: and give my kids all the solutions. So let me
[6:37] Speaker 1: be really, really, really clear about this. If your daughter
[6:40] Speaker 1: comes home or you signed for that matter, but we
[6:42] Speaker 1: are talking specifically to this, this person has the question
[6:45] Speaker 1: if your daughter comes home and says, am I pretty enough?
[6:48] Speaker 1: Am I skinny enough? Don't rush in with reassurance because
[6:53] Speaker 1: the most effective response as a first response is going
[6:56] Speaker 1: to be curiosity.
[6:58] Speaker 3: But those are all labels as well, right, But everybody's
[7:01] Speaker 3: perception is different to what is beautiful? What is skinny?
[7:05] Speaker 3: What is that? What is big?
[7:06] Speaker 1: Like the there is a better response. I just think
[7:10] Speaker 1: if our kids were to say it, I would hope
[7:12] Speaker 1: that I would step in and say, that's really interesting
[7:15] Speaker 1: that you've said that, or that's a really interesting question
[7:18] Speaker 1: you've asked me. Where did that come from? What made
[7:21] Speaker 1: you think about that today? Why is that on your
[7:22] Speaker 1: mind at the moment? And then listen, don't fix, don't reassure,
[7:26] Speaker 1: not yet anyway, just gathered the information, who was talking
[7:30] Speaker 1: about it? What did you notice that made you wonder?
[7:33] Speaker 1: Oh you saw that? Like slightly different topic. But one
[7:37] Speaker 1: of our daughters said something extremely provocative not too long ago,
[7:42] Speaker 1: and I just wanted to say, what are you talking?
[7:45] Speaker 1: I really wanted to blow up because it was not okay,
[7:49] Speaker 1: And instead I was like, where did you? Where'd you
[7:52] Speaker 1: come up with that idea? And she said, I walked
[7:56] Speaker 1: past a sign when we were walking through town and
[7:59] Speaker 1: it was one of those adult shops and it set
[8:01] Speaker 1: it on there and I was like, ah, now we've
[8:06] Speaker 1: got to have a real conversation. But by getting curious,
[8:08] Speaker 1: not furious, by not rushing to reassure, by saying, oh,
[8:12] Speaker 1: had that made up, judging.
[8:13] Speaker 3: This situation, thinking you've got all the details exactly.
[8:16] Speaker 1: Body image concerns at age nine are going to be
[8:19] Speaker 1: socially driven, whether it's something from a peer, whether it's
[8:22] Speaker 1: comparison in a peer group, whether it's the media planning
[8:26] Speaker 1: a seed and you need another source before you can
[8:28] Speaker 1: address it. And then then you validate, Oh it sounds
[8:32] Speaker 1: like this person, or it sounds like what you saw
[8:35] Speaker 1: made you feel like your body wasn't good enough. That
[8:38] Speaker 1: must have felt really crummy. That must felt horrible. I'm
[8:40] Speaker 1: so glad you told me. So you're not saying that
[8:43] Speaker 1: they're right or wrong. You're saying, oh, here's what it
[8:45] Speaker 1: sounds like. Oh that's what it made you feel. Oh
[8:48] Speaker 1: that's horrible. I'm so glad you told me that. One statement.
[8:53] Speaker 1: It just normalizes everything and makes your child go, oh,
[8:56] Speaker 1: so everything's okay. And then the last thing to do
[8:59] Speaker 1: is to reframe by saying this, here's what I know.
[9:03] Speaker 1: Your body, your body, your body is doing an incredible job.
[9:08] Speaker 1: Let's you run, unless you dance, unless you swim, unless
[9:11] Speaker 1: you play. The people who matter most don't care about
[9:14] Speaker 1: pretty or skinny. They care about kind and funny and
[9:17] Speaker 1: brave and smart, and you are all of those things.
[9:21] Speaker 3: I remember reading somewhere once that are the people's opinions
[9:26] Speaker 3: and none of our business.
[9:28] Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, your opinion of me is none
[9:31] Speaker 1: of my businesses.
[9:31] Speaker 3: Yeah, but the really big kick for me was the
[9:36] Speaker 3: acknowledgment these people that are saying these bad things about
[9:39] Speaker 3: me or mocking me or you know, kind of giving
[9:42] Speaker 3: me a hard time? Are they the people that I
[9:44] Speaker 3: would go to for advice?
[9:46] Speaker 1: I love this.
[9:47] Speaker 3: If I was struggling, are they the people that I'd go?
[9:49] Speaker 1: And the answer is invariably no, No.
[9:52] Speaker 3: So why is it that if they're not somebody I
[9:54] Speaker 3: would go to when I needed help, why is it
[9:57] Speaker 3: that they get so much weight in how I feel
[10:00] Speaker 3: about myself?
[10:01] Speaker 1: Pardon the pun, It just yeah, brilliant.
[10:04] Speaker 3: It's really powerful if we can help our kids to
[10:07] Speaker 3: understand that.
[10:09] Speaker 1: Okay, so get curious, not furious, and then have that
[10:12] Speaker 1: conversation with them after the break. The two other big
[10:15] Speaker 1: ideas that will help as you try to move the
[10:18] Speaker 1: needle on body image issues. Stay with us. We're back.
[10:29] Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, answering the question about what
[10:31] Speaker 1: to do when your nine year old shows up saying
[10:34] Speaker 1: I'm fat, not skinny, I'm not pretty and has body
[10:39] Speaker 1: image concerns.
[10:41] Speaker 3: I love that our listener has acknowledged this is something
[10:44] Speaker 3: that she clearly is really doing well. The idea that
[10:50] Speaker 3: we would build body functionality awareness for our children, that
[10:53] Speaker 3: we would you point out all of the amazing things
[10:56] Speaker 3: their body allows them to do. Is such an important
[10:59] Speaker 3: part of this process.
[11:00] Speaker 1: Yeah, wrote that in my book just what can your
[11:03] Speaker 1: Body do? Rather than what does your body look like?
[11:05] Speaker 1: Matt is so much more. Research is pretty clear on this.
[11:08] Speaker 1: Girls with what you would call body appreciation, they have
[11:13] Speaker 1: better mental health, they engage in less dieting and other
[11:16] Speaker 1: destructive habits. They're less likely to use substances as they
[11:21] Speaker 1: get older. Across the board, When we can just appreciate
[11:25] Speaker 1: what our body can do, it feels better. Life feels better.
[11:30] Speaker 3: This feels to me like the power of gratitude. Right
[11:34] Speaker 3: when I tap into what I'm grateful for, I hold
[11:38] Speaker 3: it a little bit closer.
[11:40] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[11:40] Speaker 3: So, and if I have gratitude for the amazing gift
[11:44] Speaker 3: my physical body is and all the things that allows
[11:47] Speaker 3: me to do, then I'm going to take care of it.
[11:51] Speaker 1: So our eleven centy twelve year old daughter might say,
[11:54] Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that my arms and shoulders helped me
[11:58] Speaker 1: to paddle out in the waves, and that my legs
[12:00] Speaker 1: let me stand up on a surfboard.
[12:01] Speaker 3: Or that I can hug you.
[12:03] Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that's I mean. I'm thinking surfing is awesome,
[12:06] Speaker 1: but as simple.
[12:07] Speaker 3: As that, when I feel alone, when I feel disconnected.
[12:13] Speaker 3: The gift of a hug is so powerful.
[12:17] Speaker 1: Yeah, because what this does is shifts the focus from appearance,
[12:20] Speaker 1: the external externality is the judgment based stuff to function. Right,
[12:25] Speaker 1: So it's internal and it's gratitude based. And the data, again,
[12:29] Speaker 1: like I said, it's clear it reduces body dissatisfaction, specifically
[12:32] Speaker 1: in children aged eight to twelve. So trying to move
[12:37] Speaker 1: away from looking at how the body appears and instead
[12:41] Speaker 1: talking about how it works is just such a big win.
[12:45] Speaker 3: And our last solution model it by not talking about.
[12:48] Speaker 1: It, right. Yeah, this is the hardest one, and it's
[12:52] Speaker 1: also backed by the strongest research. Here's what daughters absorbed
[12:56] Speaker 1: from mother's I'm so sorry to put this on mums, but.
[13:00] Speaker 3: Well, you know what, you're their role model.
[13:01] Speaker 1: Yeah. Dads can say hurtful things and daughters will absorb that.
[13:06] Speaker 1: And there's data that shows that if your child between
[13:08] Speaker 1: nine and twelve is hearing those hurtful things, they're far
[13:11] Speaker 1: more likely to have body image issues and eating challenges
[13:15] Speaker 1: in their teens like sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.
[13:18] Speaker 3: But as a daughter, they're watching the way you treat
[13:20] Speaker 3: your own body exactly, so you're modeling exactly how they
[13:25] Speaker 3: will in turn respond.
[13:26] Speaker 1: There was an experimental study that found that when mothers
[13:28] Speaker 1: made negative comments about their own weight and shape and
[13:31] Speaker 1: diet in front of their eight to twelve year old daughters,
[13:34] Speaker 1: daughter's body esteem and eating attitudes immediately declined. Boom Daughters
[13:40] Speaker 1: and mothers who diet or engage in negative self talk
[13:43] Speaker 1: are more likely to develop poor body image and disordered eating,
[13:46] Speaker 1: and mother's comments about their own bodies predict their daughter's
[13:49] Speaker 1: body related comments. That's what the research points to.
[13:52] Speaker 3: So I remember when I was younger, I had this
[13:57] Speaker 3: beautiful body that I never appreated right, and I loved
[14:02] Speaker 3: junk food and I would eat it till the cows
[14:04] Speaker 3: come home. And my mom would constantly say to me,
[14:08] Speaker 3: You'll be sorry you ate that one day you'll have
[14:09] Speaker 3: a bum like me. And as I have grown and
[14:14] Speaker 3: gotten older, I have looked in the mirror and seen
[14:18] Speaker 3: the bum of my mum and been sad. And it's
[14:23] Speaker 3: only been a reframe for me where I have stepped
[14:26] Speaker 3: into that gratitude and the acknowledgment that this body has
[14:31] Speaker 3: created six other human beings, and it has morphed in
[14:35] Speaker 3: so many different ways, but it has allowed me to
[14:38] Speaker 3: live a beautiful, full life, and I want to continue
[14:42] Speaker 3: living that beautiful, full life. And if that's what I want,
[14:45] Speaker 3: then I need to treat it with care.
[14:48] Speaker 1: Yeah. I just love the way he said that. The
[14:50] Speaker 1: research pretty much says that even well meaning mums who
[14:53] Speaker 1: think that they're hiding bodied dissatisfaction, they're still going to
[14:57] Speaker 1: transmit it through subtle behaviors like a void certain clothes,
[15:01] Speaker 1: or declining to be in photos or comparing themselves to others.
[15:04] Speaker 1: Kids pick up on everything. So I think the most
[15:09] Speaker 1: powerful intervention that you can offer is modeling a neutral
[15:13] Speaker 1: at minimum, but ideally a positive relationship to your body,
[15:16] Speaker 1: like you've just described. It's just so important. I remember
[15:19] Speaker 1: the conversation that we had with the kids one time
[15:22] Speaker 1: where I don't know the exact context, but there was
[15:26] Speaker 1: a discussion about your body, and maybe it was you
[15:30] Speaker 1: that made a negative comment, maybe it was one of
[15:32] Speaker 1: the kids, and I just said, I didn't marry mum
[15:36] Speaker 1: because she looked a certain way. I didn't marry mum
[15:38] Speaker 1: for her body.
[15:40] Speaker 3: A married Oh, let's be real, smoking hotback.
[15:42] Speaker 1: Man, I married you for you, And just because your
[15:45] Speaker 1: body changes doesn't mean that my feelings for you change.
[15:49] Speaker 1: Kids need to hear that they need to understand that
[15:51] Speaker 1: that's the way it works. I mean, there's so much
[15:53] Speaker 1: more we could talk about. This could turn into a
[15:54] Speaker 1: seventeen hour podcast. We need to wrap it up.
[15:59] Speaker 3: You know. I of that your daughter has come to
[16:02] Speaker 3: you and that she's sharing the feelings that she's having
[16:06] Speaker 3: and the experience you're having, Like, what a gift.
[16:09] Speaker 1: Yeah, she trusts you.
[16:11] Speaker 3: What a gift?
[16:13] Speaker 1: Doors open? And the other thing that I got from
[16:15] Speaker 1: that voice note was our listener is already doing the
[16:17] Speaker 1: right thing by taking it seriously, keeping the conversation going,
[16:21] Speaker 1: and the things that we've talked about today are going
[16:24] Speaker 1: to be some really powerful protective factors against body dissatisfaction.
[16:29] Speaker 1: It's almost inevitable, by the way, Like it's pretty much
[16:31] Speaker 1: inevitable if you're female, and even more and more boys
[16:34] Speaker 1: are struggling with this. But these conversations are the things
[16:37] Speaker 1: that can turn it around and make it less damaging,
[16:40] Speaker 1: make it less impactful. Thank you so much for listening.
[16:43] Speaker 1: If you've got a question for us, and you'd like
[16:44] Speaker 1: to hit us up with one of those tricky ones,
[16:46] Speaker 1: let us know via Happy Families dot com dot you,
[16:48] Speaker 1: where our super simple system requires you to simply press
[16:52] Speaker 1: the button and start talking, or send us a voice
[16:55] Speaker 1: note to podcasts at happy families dot com dot a you.
[16:58] Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is duced by Justin Ruland from
[17:01] Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides research, admin and a whole lot
[17:04] Speaker 1: of other support. If you'd like additional information and resources,
[17:08] Speaker 1: specifically about what we've talked about today, check out the website.
[17:12] Speaker 1: We're going to make it a website blog because we
[17:15] Speaker 1: think that the information is too important for you to
[17:17] Speaker 1: not have access to in the written form. Have you
[17:19] Speaker 1: families dot com dot au

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