# Stop Trying to Create the Perfect Family

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 27 Aug 2026, 13 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/83b08a77-de73-448e-8151-b4a000175c7e/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

What if trying to create the perfect family moment is the very thing getting in the way? After a week away with three of their daughters, Kylie realised she’d arrived with a clear picture of how their time together should look. The reality was completely different. And it turned out to be better. Justin and Kylie unpack the pressure parents put on themselves to get the “recipe” right, why our kids need room to make their own choices, and how letting go of control can create more connection. Justin also shares what happened when Kylie left him juggling work and parenting, including one spectacular diary fail, and why simple, low-pressure time together can be some of the best parenting we do. KEY POINTS • Why parenting doesn’t come with a guaranteed recipe for happy, successful kids • How expectations can turn good family experiences into disappointments • Why giving kids space can lead to more openness and connection • The power of simple, unstructured time with your child • Why presence, patience and understanding often matter more than elaborate plans - Justin’s lesson in juggling work and parenting when Kylie went away QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “It’s the simple stuff that makes our families work the best.” RESOURCES MENTIONED What Your Child Needs From You by Justin Coulson ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Notice where you’ve created a “recipe” for how family life should look. • Leave room for your child to choose how they experience a moment. • Swap one carefully planned activity for simple time together. • Focus less on monitoring and more on creating a relationship where your child wants to talk to you. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, it's the Happy Families Podcast, Friday edition, which means
[0:09] Speaker 1: the weekend's around the corner. And today we talk about
[0:11] Speaker 1: all the stuff that worked well for us this week,
[0:12] Speaker 1: the stuff that didn't work so well, and how you
[0:14] Speaker 1: can make your family happier. It's called I'll Do Better Tomorrow,
[0:17] Speaker 1: and it's right after this. G'day, this is the Happy
[0:21] Speaker 1: Families Podcast, where you get real parenting solutions every single day.
[0:25] Speaker 1: Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We're Justin and Kylie Coulson.
[0:28] Speaker 1: We are the parents of Six daughters, grandparents of one grandbaby.
[0:34] Speaker 1: And Kylie today is kicking us off with, you're looking tired,
[0:39] Speaker 1: jet lagged, not feeling fantastic about life.
[0:42] Speaker 2: Well, I was actually just thinking, she's not a baby anymore.
[0:44] Speaker 1: No, no, no. She's about to turn three. A couple
[0:47] Speaker 1: of weeks to go and now granddaughter is three.
[0:49] Speaker 2: And she's got the personality and drive of.
[0:55] Speaker 1: Maybe a 10 or 12 year old. While you're thinking
[0:58] Speaker 1: about how old she acts like she is, Worth highlighting,
[1:02] Speaker 1: both Jared and Chanel, our daughter and son-in-law, have talked
[1:05] Speaker 1: about how she's the perfect baby, the easiest baby, the
[1:07] Speaker 1: best baby, all that sort of stuff. And I haven't
[1:10] Speaker 1: want to burst their bubble, but I kind of, they're like,
[1:12] Speaker 1: the terrible twos haven't been terrible, it's been fine. And
[1:14] Speaker 1: I don't want to tell them that three is awful. But, well, sorry,
[1:18] Speaker 1: three is much harder than two is probably a better
[1:20] Speaker 1: way to say it. I'm making it sound really bad.
[1:22] Speaker 1: But the other day, Chanel said to me, really finding
[1:25] Speaker 1: indie challenging lately. There's It's like she's become a different person.
[1:29] Speaker 1: And I looked at her and I said, kiddo, you
[1:31] Speaker 1: know all those parenting books that I've written? It's time
[1:33] Speaker 1: for the first one. It's actually happening because three is
[1:38] Speaker 1: way harder than anything you've experienced. And every time I
[1:40] Speaker 1: talk to her now, she just, she rolls her eyes
[1:42] Speaker 1: and she's like, oh. Do you want a toddler?
[1:44] Speaker 2: She says to me every time.
[1:46] Speaker 1: Three. Three is hard. I'm like, yeah, welcome to it. So,
[1:49] Speaker 1: My little book, What Your Child Needs From You, which
[1:52] Speaker 1: she's been gleefully handing out to all of her friends
[1:54] Speaker 1: who are saying they're having a hard time with their kids.
[1:56] Speaker 1: She's suddenly gone, I think I need that book. Anyway,
[1:59] Speaker 1: I flagged before, you're feeling a bit jet lagged. So
[2:02] Speaker 1: what's your I'll do better tomorrow and how does it
[2:03] Speaker 1: tie in with why you're so weary and waiting for
[2:06] Speaker 1: the weekend?
[2:08] Speaker 2: Well, I actually had a really wonderful opportunity to take
[2:11] Speaker 2: three of our children away for just over a week
[2:15] Speaker 2: and spend some time learning together. We attended a conference
[2:19] Speaker 2: and we have classes from like 8.30 in the morning
[2:22] Speaker 2: till 9.30 at night. It's a big day.
[2:24] Speaker 1: And everyone's listening going, and you called that a holiday, right?
[2:28] Speaker 2: But yes. There's so many different choices to make. So
[2:32] Speaker 2: it meant that for most of the day, we were
[2:35] Speaker 2: all going in different directions as we were kind of,
[2:38] Speaker 2: I guess, inspired and directed to learn new things.
[2:41] Speaker 1: Which is so funny because when you talked about how
[2:43] Speaker 1: you wanted to go and take the kids to this
[2:45] Speaker 1: education conference for a week. You had this vision that
[2:48] Speaker 1: the four of you would traipse around this university campus
[2:51] Speaker 1: and sit in classes together and compare notes. And it
[2:54] Speaker 1: didn't happen.
[2:55] Speaker 2: It didn't happen that way. And one of the classes
[2:57] Speaker 2: I actually attended kind of talked about that concept. He
[3:01] Speaker 2: suggested that sometimes as parents, and I would say in
[3:06] Speaker 2: every facet of our lives, we create these recipes of
[3:10] Speaker 2: what we think is going to make the perfect moment
[3:13] Speaker 2: or the happy family or whatever. You know, kind of
[3:17] Speaker 2: the perfect retirement, whatever it is. We've got this idea
[3:20] Speaker 2: and we kind of create these sums. If I do X, Y,
[3:24] Speaker 2: and Z, it's going to equal the happy life. If I,
[3:28] Speaker 2: you know, spend time with my children and we do
[3:32] Speaker 2: lots of things together and I tuck them into bed
[3:34] Speaker 2: each night and read them stories and kiss them on
[3:37] Speaker 2: the head before they go out the door.
[3:38] Speaker 1: Yeah.
[3:39] Speaker 2: Then they're going to love me and they're going to
[3:41] Speaker 2: come to me every time they need something.
[3:43] Speaker 1: I'm listening to what you're saying and I'm really resonating
[3:45] Speaker 1: with it from the point of view that when I
[3:46] Speaker 1: do my resilience talk, everyone thinks that if they do X, Y,
[3:49] Speaker 1: and Z, the kid's going to be resilient. There's no guarantees.
[3:52] Speaker 1: If I do X, Y, and Z, the kid's going
[3:53] Speaker 1: to do well at school. If I do X, Y,
[3:54] Speaker 1: and Z, they're going to have a successful life. It
[3:56] Speaker 1: takes away.
[3:57] Speaker 2: Other people's capacity to make choice, right? If we create
[4:01] Speaker 2: these recipes and we expect that it's all dependent on
[4:04] Speaker 2: what we do, then we're not actually allowing our children
[4:07] Speaker 2: the capacity to make their own choices.
[4:09] Speaker 1: Well, not just that, but if things don't work out
[4:10] Speaker 1: the way that they're supposed to, we feel like we
[4:11] Speaker 1: got the recipe wrong.
[4:12] Speaker 2: We've done something wrong.
[4:13] Speaker 1: I must have been a bad parent.
[4:14] Speaker 2: Do we miss the secret ingredient that's going to make
[4:16] Speaker 2: it all better?
[4:16] Speaker 1: Yeah, I love this idea.
[4:17] Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. So as we went through the week, I,
[4:21] Speaker 2: without knowing it, kind of had created this idea of
[4:24] Speaker 2: what was going to make the perfect week for us.
[4:26] Speaker 2: And it didn't happen that way. Right. There were plenty
[4:29] Speaker 2: of nights where I was actually in the dorm room
[4:31] Speaker 2: all by myself. I had three empty beds. And it
[4:34] Speaker 2: would be really easy to kind of get upset about
[4:37] Speaker 2: it and to think, I've spent all of this money
[4:39] Speaker 2: to bring them here so that we can have this experience.
[4:42] Speaker 2: And I don't think they're being really grateful. But as
[4:45] Speaker 2: we went through the week, each of them sought me
[4:48] Speaker 2: out at different times and was sharing the most beautiful
[4:51] Speaker 2: experiences that they were having as they were meeting new
[4:53] Speaker 2: people and spending time getting to know others and attending
[4:57] Speaker 2: classes that were lighting them up. And I was seeing
[5:00] Speaker 2: a change in them, like literally before my eyes, as
[5:03] Speaker 2: they were kind of just relishing in these new relationships
[5:07] Speaker 2: that were developing and just joy in learning things that
[5:12] Speaker 2: resonated deeply with them. And I kind of realized that
[5:16] Speaker 2: I think as parents, sometimes we just try to control
[5:21] Speaker 2: every moment because we think we've got it all worked out.
[5:24] Speaker 1: Because we want to get the recipe just right.
[5:26] Speaker 2: Yeah. And yet the week we had was beautiful. It
[5:31] Speaker 2: was just different to what I expected. And I'm so
[5:34] Speaker 2: grateful that I was able to just let go of
[5:38] Speaker 2: my own recipe, my own desires to kind of be
[5:41] Speaker 2: in their space 24-7 and give them the space to
[5:45] Speaker 2: have those individual experiences because they've come home different. And
[5:50] Speaker 2: I'm really grateful for that.
[5:52] Speaker 1: Well, I missed you, but hearing the conversations that you had,
[5:57] Speaker 1: as you're saying that, these conversations, the thing that parenting
[6:01] Speaker 1: research shows matters the most for how kids show up
[6:07] Speaker 1: and do in their lives and avoiding doing dangerous and
[6:10] Speaker 1: harmful things, having a good connection with their parents. One
[6:14] Speaker 1: of the most powerful predictors of positive outcomes, and I
[6:16] Speaker 1: know I'm sounding a bit recipe-ish here, but it's It's
[6:20] Speaker 1: not how much we as parents are able to monitor
[6:23] Speaker 1: and surveil what's going on in their lives. It's how
[6:24] Speaker 1: much they disclose. And it sounds like by you letting
[6:28] Speaker 1: go a little bit, the kids have felt free to
[6:30] Speaker 1: come to you and talk to you a lot. There's
[6:32] Speaker 1: been huge levels of disclosure, which means that you get
[6:35] Speaker 1: to have this really strong connection and relationship-building experience. Let's
[6:42] Speaker 1: take a message.
[6:43] Speaker 2: Let go of the recipes. Let go of the need
[6:46] Speaker 2: to kind of– I'm going to use the word manipulate.
[6:50] Speaker 2: I don't mean it in a bad way, but just
[6:54] Speaker 2: let go of the need to manipulate and massage every
[6:57] Speaker 2: moment and give it the breathing space that it deserves
[7:00] Speaker 2: to allow our children to have the experiences that are
[7:02] Speaker 2: needed for them in the moment.
[7:04] Speaker 1: I still think that there's a value in having a
[7:07] Speaker 1: recipe now and then. Like dinner tastes good when you've
[7:11] Speaker 1: got a recipe. And we've seen what happens with our
[7:13] Speaker 1: kids when they cook without a recipe. Like Still worth
[7:17] Speaker 1: having the right ingredients in the right proportions.
[7:20] Speaker 2: I agree.
[7:21] Speaker 1: But it sounds almost like there's a recipe for the
[7:23] Speaker 1: no recipe recipe. That makes sense.
[7:26] Speaker 2: Hey, after the break- We're supposed to be uncomplicating things here.
[7:30] Speaker 2: I know. I'm sorry.
[7:31] Speaker 1: After the break, what the parenting expert does when his
[7:33] Speaker 1: wife goes away and leaves him with one of the
[7:35] Speaker 1: kids who couldn't go to the education conference for the week,
[7:38] Speaker 1: how I survived that amidst travel and conferences and what
[7:42] Speaker 1: we can learn about keeping our family on track when
[7:45] Speaker 1: things feel like there's too much to do. Stay with us. Okay,
[7:56] Speaker 1: I'll do better tomorrow. It's my turn. Kylie, how do
[7:59] Speaker 1: you think our daughter found the time that you were away?
[8:03] Speaker 1: Have you had any conversations with her? Did you say,
[8:05] Speaker 1: how did dad go? Has there been any rating or
[8:07] Speaker 1: report card on my parenting performance?
[8:10] Speaker 2: There hasn't. She gave me a really big hug when
[8:13] Speaker 2: I got home. But generally speaking, when I have gone
[8:16] Speaker 2: away in the past, she kind of doesn't want to
[8:18] Speaker 2: let me out of her sight when I come home.
[8:20] Speaker 2: It's like, you're here and I don't want you going anywhere.
[8:23] Speaker 2: But she's been really content. I actually think you've done
[8:26] Speaker 2: a great job.
[8:27] Speaker 1: So I kind of forgot to put it into my
[8:30] Speaker 1: diary that I wasn't going to be available to work
[8:33] Speaker 1: because I was going to be looking after Emily, which
[8:36] Speaker 1: meant that you left and I still had a full
[8:37] Speaker 1: calendar of work and it was so hard to juggle it.
[8:40] Speaker 1: I may have forgotten to take her to a birthday party.
[8:42] Speaker 2: You might have. I came home and the present was
[8:45] Speaker 2: still sitting on the bench.
[8:46] Speaker 1: I totally forgot. I remember looking at the present going,
[8:49] Speaker 1: what's that doing on the bench? I had no idea.
[8:51] Speaker 1: I completely forgot.
[8:52] Speaker 2: Well, I did write an itinerary.
[8:55] Speaker 1: I forgot to look at the itinerary until day five.
[9:00] Speaker 1: Day four or day five, I was like, oh, Kylie
[9:01] Speaker 1: wrote out what was supposed to be happening. And that's
[9:03] Speaker 1: when I realized that I'd missed the birthday on the Saturday.
[9:05] Speaker 1: I feel so bad. Sorry, Martine. But But I just
[9:11] Speaker 1: really enjoyed when I wasn't working. I really enjoyed spending time.
[9:15] Speaker 1: And my first book, I'm not trying to flog a
[9:17] Speaker 1: book here. I'm bringing it up because people always look
[9:20] Speaker 1: at that first book, What Your Child Needs From You.
[9:22] Speaker 1: It's like 70 or 80 pages. It's really small, really simple,
[9:27] Speaker 1: just a couple of foundational principles for getting your family
[9:30] Speaker 1: on track. And often parents will come to me and say,
[9:33] Speaker 1: what's the right book for me to buy for my family?
[9:36] Speaker 1: And I'll say, I think based on what you've described,
[9:38] Speaker 1: this is the one. And a lot of people will
[9:40] Speaker 1: turn their nose up at it. They'll be like, but
[9:42] Speaker 1: what about the big thick ones? Like instead of 70 pages,
[9:44] Speaker 1: what about 280 pages? That kind of thing. And yet
[9:48] Speaker 1: it's the simple stuff that makes our families work the best.
[9:51] Speaker 1: It's T-I-M-E. It's patience. It's understanding. It's reading a story,
[9:55] Speaker 1: going for a walk, spending a couple of bucks on
[9:57] Speaker 1: a smoothie or a breakfast or going into a rock climb.
[10:00] Speaker 1: or tampon bowling or whatever it is, doing some kind
[10:02] Speaker 1: of activity. And they don't even have to be costly.
[10:05] Speaker 1: It could be going for a bike ride or walking
[10:08] Speaker 1: your child down to the park and pushing them on
[10:10] Speaker 1: a swing for half an hour longer than you think
[10:12] Speaker 1: is reasonable because they never want to get off the
[10:15] Speaker 1: swing once they're on it. And that's kind of how
[10:17] Speaker 1: it was with Emily. It was just really low key,
[10:19] Speaker 1: no pressure, time together. And it was delightful. Whether we
[10:23] Speaker 1: were doing handstands and cartwheels or whether we went and
[10:27] Speaker 1: did some indoor rock climbing, nearly died when I had
[10:30] Speaker 1: to pay the bill for that. But it was that
[10:32] Speaker 1: kind of thing. And I just loved it. Hey, while
[10:34] Speaker 1: we're at it as well, I wanted to mention, got
[10:36] Speaker 1: some pretty amazing feedback, which I just, I want to
[10:40] Speaker 1: share because I'm pretty excited about it. So I was
[10:42] Speaker 1: in Dubbo earlier this week and gave some parenting presentations
[10:46] Speaker 1: to students in grade 9 and 10 at Dubbo College
[10:49] Speaker 1: on respectful relationships, which is a really hot button topic because, well,
[10:54] Speaker 1: you know why it's so challenging, especially for kids around 14,
[10:58] Speaker 1: 15 years of age. I got some feedback from a
[11:01] Speaker 1: parent who said the following. My daughter said, quote, that
[11:06] Speaker 1: was the best hour of my life, close quote. She
[11:09] Speaker 1: said that she thought this is just going to be
[11:11] Speaker 1: another one of those presentations, but Justin's presentation style and
[11:13] Speaker 1: the way he covered topics made it a very engaging presentation.
[11:17] Speaker 1: It's pretty thankless talking to students sometimes, like students just
[11:20] Speaker 1: sit there and they're like, oh, do we have to
[11:21] Speaker 1: be here? But these students at Dubbo College were outstanding.
[11:27] Speaker 1: They sat there, they engaged, they had great conversations, they
[11:29] Speaker 1: shared insightful feedback. And they were really interested in how
[11:33] Speaker 1: they could make their school community feel more respectful. And
[11:36] Speaker 1: to get that kind of feedback, it's just a really
[11:38] Speaker 1: nice way to top off what can sometimes be a
[11:40] Speaker 1: tricky part of my job, which is talking to students
[11:43] Speaker 1: who did not ask to sit in the hall and
[11:44] Speaker 1: listen to some guy up the front talk about respectful relationships. So, yeah,
[11:48] Speaker 1: just thought I'd share that as well.
[11:50] Speaker 2: It'd be interesting to talk to them about the recipe
[11:53] Speaker 2: that they've created, helping those students be so engaged. There's
[11:58] Speaker 2: a culture, right? You go into some schools and you
[12:00] Speaker 2: can feel a different energy as kids come together and
[12:04] Speaker 2: they want to engage, they want to learn, they want
[12:07] Speaker 2: to create a community. And then you go into other
[12:10] Speaker 2: places and you just experience this disconnect.
[12:14] Speaker 1: Kids don't want to be there. I probably shouldn't say this,
[12:17] Speaker 1: but the staff were actually a little nervous that it
[12:19] Speaker 1: wasn't going to go well at all. From a cultural
[12:22] Speaker 1: point of view, they thought, oh, this is going to
[12:23] Speaker 1: be pretty tough. We were stoked. They were just such
[12:27] Speaker 1: a great group. They absolutely shone. Also, a quick shout
[12:30] Speaker 1: out to Cherie, who came up to me at the
[12:32] Speaker 1: parent night at Dubbo College, who listens to the podcast
[12:35] Speaker 1: every single morning. She gave me a great big hug,
[12:38] Speaker 1: said every morning at six o'clock, I put my headphones on,
[12:40] Speaker 1: I listen to you guys. And I just love listening
[12:42] Speaker 1: to the pod. So everywhere I go, I get wonderful
[12:45] Speaker 1: comments like that. But Cherie was beautiful. She actually almost
[12:47] Speaker 1: started crying. She was just, it was such a great experience.
[12:51] Speaker 1: So Cherie and everyone who listens to the pod, we
[12:52] Speaker 1: appreciate you and thank you. And we really are so
[12:55] Speaker 1: grateful that you find this a helpful way to keep
[12:58] Speaker 1: your family on track and keep your family strong. Hey,
[13:01] Speaker 1: that's it for us for today. Thank you so much
[13:04] Speaker 1: for joining us. The Happy Families podcast will be back
[13:07] Speaker 1: on Monday, so we'll talk to you then. All thanks
[13:09] Speaker 1: to Justin Rulon from Bridge Media who looks after sound
[13:12] Speaker 1: and audio engineering and Mim Hammond who takes care of
[13:14] Speaker 1: our admin and other support. If you want more info
[13:17] Speaker 1: to make your family happier, visit happyfamilies.com.au and have a
[13:21] Speaker 1: great weekend.

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