# Why Your Kids Only Listen When There’s a Reward

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 31 May 2026, 22 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/e57d2557-22d3-4f38-8503-b45800b71889/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

Your child can spend hours on screens without being asked… but getting them to empty the dishwasher feels impossible. So what’s really going on with motivation? In this episode, Justin and Kylie unpack the psychology of motivation and reveal why rewards, punishments, nagging, and bribery often backfire. You’ll learn the “motivation continuum” — the simple framework that explains why some kids resist everything while others willingly pitch in, help out, and take responsibility. This conversation will completely change the way you think about chores, homework, screens, sibling conflict, and parenting cooperation. If you’re tired of constantly cracking the whip, this episode offers a better way. KEY POINTS • Why rewards and punishments only work short-term • The hidden downside of paying kids for chores • The difference between external and internal motivation • How children move from resistance to ownership • Why “identified motivation” is the parenting sweet spot • The powerful role values play in behaviour • How motivation shifts depending on stress, sleep, and emotions • Practical ways to help kids genuinely want to contribute QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “The question isn’t how motivated your child is. The question is how your child is motivated.” RESOURCES • Boys by Dr Justin Coulson • The “The 3 Es of Effective Discipline” framework • Episode #1093 When the 3 E's Don't Work • Simple Tips for Parents to Boost Motivation in Kids \[Article\] ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Stop relying on rewards as your first strategy • Talk with your child about why certain behaviours matter • Help children identify the value behind responsibilities • Focus on contribution, teamwork, and belonging at home • Remember that motivation is fluid — tired, stressed kids struggle more See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:06] Speaker 1: How does motivation really work? What even is motivation? When
[0:08] Speaker 1: you want your child to be motivated to clean their room,
[0:11] Speaker 1: unpack the dishwasherut wash the car, moh the lawn, be
[0:14] Speaker 1: nice to their brother or their sister, or just show
[0:16] Speaker 1: some respects, do their homework, read the book. You know,
[0:19] Speaker 1: the stuff that we want the kids to be motivated for,
[0:21] Speaker 1: and they seem to have no motivation at all for it.
[0:25] Speaker 1: And yet they're so motivated to do other stuff like
[0:28] Speaker 1: annoy their sister, or spend time on screens, you name it.
[0:33] Speaker 1: The kids seem to be motivated for all the stuff
[0:34] Speaker 1: we don't want them to do and unmotivated to do
[0:37] Speaker 1: all the stuff we do want them to do. Today,
[0:39] Speaker 1: on the Happy Families Podcast, we get into the nitty
[0:41] Speaker 1: gritty of what motivation is, how it works, and how
[0:44] Speaker 1: we can help children to find the kind of motivation
[0:47] Speaker 1: that moves them. Literally, motivation means to move that moves
[0:51] Speaker 1: them in the direction of action in areas that matter.
[0:55] Speaker 1: I can't wait for this conversation. It's next stay with us.
[1:00] Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast, where you
[1:02] Speaker 1: get real parenting solutions every single day. This is Australia's
[1:06] Speaker 1: most outloaded parenting podcast. We're so grateful that you're motivated
[1:09] Speaker 1: to listen to it. We are Justin and Kylie Colson,
[1:11] Speaker 1: parents have six kids on the author of eleven books
[1:14] Speaker 1: with boys coming out. Today's the first of June, Kylie,
[1:17] Speaker 1: first of June. That means the boys comes out. If
[1:20] Speaker 1: I can do the mass properly in fifteen days, two
[1:23] Speaker 1: weeks and one day, and boys is out. Quick question
[1:27] Speaker 1: for you today's about motivation. How motivated are you to
[1:29] Speaker 1: record this podcast?
[1:32] Speaker 2: I can't believe you're asking me that.
[1:33] Speaker 1: I'm just asking like on a scale.
[1:35] Speaker 2: I was actually thinking about one of our children in
[1:38] Speaker 2: particular and thinking about her motivation scale. Here's a kid
[1:44] Speaker 2: who hates getting out of bed before I don't know.
[1:49] Speaker 1: Maybe even twelve, and we've never allowed it with any
[1:53] Speaker 1: of our other children. We're at number five now we're
[1:55] Speaker 1: just over I mean, stay in bed if you want.
[1:56] Speaker 1: It's easier for us to deal with you want. But
[1:59] Speaker 1: thanks a lot.
[2:00] Speaker 2: And she recently started having an opportunity to work with
[2:06] Speaker 2: horses at three o'clock in the morning and we haven't
[2:12] Speaker 2: had to settle an alarm. I have not had to
[2:15] Speaker 2: get out of bed to wake her to remind her nothing.
[2:19] Speaker 2: She's the one who's knocking on our door.
[2:21] Speaker 1: She wakes me sat up at three and says time
[2:23] Speaker 1: to go.
[2:26] Speaker 2: And the interesting thing is she was recently signed up
[2:30] Speaker 2: for an apprenticeship, which means that her relationship with that
[2:34] Speaker 2: position has shifted, and so all of a sudden, we've
[2:37] Speaker 2: gone from a volunteer position which she happily got up
[2:41] Speaker 2: to and was happy to give all the time that
[2:45] Speaker 2: was needed to Now her motivation is horses and money,
[2:50] Speaker 2: and so when she goes, she's like, if I'm not
[2:53] Speaker 2: getting paid for this, I don't think I want to
[2:54] Speaker 2: be there.
[2:55] Speaker 1: There's an incredible quote that I stumbled upon years and
[2:59] Speaker 1: years ago from a researcher who said, who would have
[3:02] Speaker 1: thought that play could be turned into work by paying
[3:08] Speaker 1: someone to do it? That's paraphrase, it's not exactly right,
[3:11] Speaker 1: but yeah, And it was the same with my radio career.
[3:13] Speaker 1: I volunteered at radio stations and did whatever I could
[3:15] Speaker 1: wherever I could for free for years. But once my
[3:18] Speaker 1: radio career began, I'm not going to do that unless
[3:20] Speaker 1: you're not going to unless you're gonna pay me. Like
[3:22] Speaker 1: play became work because money became involved. That intrinsic love
[3:26] Speaker 1: and desire disappears. You also quite definitely did not answer
[3:31] Speaker 1: my question about how motivated you are to record this podcast.
[3:34] Speaker 2: You would throwing shade at me because I looked like
[3:37] Speaker 2: I was unmotivated. I was thinking about how I would
[3:41] Speaker 2: respond to not that question.
[3:43] Speaker 1: You're just interpreting the question is that I don't know
[3:45] Speaker 1: why you would think that I would impune so negative motives.
[3:50] Speaker 2: I love being on the podcast we have. I love
[3:53] Speaker 2: having opportunities to get paid to talk to you.
[3:58] Speaker 1: I'm so glad that you haven't reached the point where
[3:59] Speaker 1: you are you paying me for this conversation. No, I
[4:02] Speaker 1: don't want to talk to you. That thing that is
[4:04] Speaker 1: for that. Do you know what else? Though, it's really interesting.
[4:07] Speaker 1: I was thinking because I've got that radio background and
[4:09] Speaker 1: all things radio interest me. The big blow up with
[4:12] Speaker 1: the court case and Kyle and Jackie O not that's
[4:15] Speaker 1: still going. Oh well, it's apparently it's been put off
[4:17] Speaker 1: to later in the year, the court case. But they
[4:19] Speaker 1: signed this ten million dollar a year deal. And as
[4:22] Speaker 1: I was listening to the way they spoke about the
[4:24] Speaker 1: deal and how they could do what they want and
[4:26] Speaker 1: say what they want, and they weren't going to show
[4:27] Speaker 1: up or they weren't, and I just thought their motivation
[4:30] Speaker 1: for the work has gone now because the money has
[4:32] Speaker 1: become central. And that's our conversation today. Is not about money,
[4:36] Speaker 1: but it is about motivation. And I want to unpack
[4:39] Speaker 1: this thing that psychology researchers have developed over the last
[4:42] Speaker 1: fifty to sixty years called the motivation continuum.
[4:45] Speaker 2: I love this conversation. We've had this conversation so many
[4:48] Speaker 2: times with our girls, and I see it play out
[4:51] Speaker 2: in our lives in so many ways. But where did
[4:53] Speaker 2: the idea of motivation come from in the first place?
[4:55] Speaker 1: So I mentioned in the intro the owneera of motivation
[4:58] Speaker 1: comes from. I think, I can't if it's Greek or Latin,
[4:59] Speaker 1: but but it means to move. It's the same with
[5:01] Speaker 1: emotion and motivation. It's all about movement and motivation. When
[5:06] Speaker 1: psychology got involved with the idea up until about the
[5:09] Speaker 1: nineteen seventies, was always considered to be something outside of ourselves.
[5:14] Speaker 1: It was about motivating people. So you create an environment
[5:16] Speaker 1: where somebody will be motivated, and the way you motivate
[5:19] Speaker 1: them is with carrots or sticks, with rewards or punishments.
[5:22] Speaker 2: That's what we've got motivational speakers from. I'm assuming you.
[5:25] Speaker 1: Kind of yeah, like, if you can provide a big
[5:27] Speaker 1: enough inducement, you can move me from A to B.
[5:30] Speaker 2: And the well, I think about Tony Robbins right right, yeah,
[5:34] Speaker 2: and he's just full of energy.
[5:37] Speaker 1: It's like passion.
[5:39] Speaker 2: He's going to move you.
[5:40] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's right. So essentially that idea of external
[5:43] Speaker 1: or extrinsic motivation is all there was. And there's a
[5:47] Speaker 1: special form of psychology that was all about the study
[5:50] Speaker 1: of this kind of motivation. It was called behaviorism. Behaviorism
[5:53] Speaker 1: basically argued well into the nineteen seventies, and there are
[5:56] Speaker 1: still pure behaviorists even today. Argues that you get people
[6:00] Speaker 1: to do stuff because of the rewards that you wave
[6:03] Speaker 1: under their nose or the sticks that you brandish above
[6:06] Speaker 1: their head. I'm going to hit you with, I'm going
[6:07] Speaker 1: to hurt you, or I'm going to reward you. Either way,
[6:09] Speaker 1: you get this done. And a lot of people still
[6:12] Speaker 1: like if you talk to people, are like, well, that's
[6:13] Speaker 1: how the world works. That's why I go to work,
[6:15] Speaker 1: That's that's what my employer does. If I don't do
[6:17] Speaker 1: the work, I don't paid. And so they'll say, I'm
[6:19] Speaker 1: doing the work because I'm extrinsically motivated. But in the
[6:22] Speaker 1: nineteen seventies a couple of researchers started to talk about
[6:25] Speaker 1: this thing called intrinsic motivation. Before that, there was no
[6:29] Speaker 1: such thing as intrinsic motivation. No one talked about intrinsic motivation.
[6:32] Speaker 1: That hadn't been studied. Of course it existed, but it
[6:34] Speaker 1: hadn't been studied. And intrinsic motivation is this idea that
[6:38] Speaker 1: I'm doing it because I want to. I'm doing it
[6:39] Speaker 1: because it's inside of me. And the behaviorist said, no,
[6:42] Speaker 1: there is nothing inside of you. You've just had all
[6:44] Speaker 1: these external factors create a thought that now makes you
[6:48] Speaker 1: believe that you're doing it because of what's inside you.
[6:50] Speaker 1: But it's actually the environment that's making you do it.
[6:52] Speaker 1: So this has been a big debate. Yes, I can.
[6:57] Speaker 2: I can see how that works right out. It doesn't
[7:00] Speaker 2: get up at three o'clock in the morning because she's
[7:02] Speaker 2: going to help people. She's getting up because there are
[7:05] Speaker 2: horses right like, that's part of the environment. And she
[7:10] Speaker 2: will scoop, poop, and she will feed and she will
[7:13] Speaker 2: get complete Oh my gosh, when she gets into my car,
[7:17] Speaker 2: put a peg on. It's so bad. She will do
[7:20] Speaker 2: all of that, not because she loves that, but for
[7:24] Speaker 2: the chance to be in a horse's space, right.
[7:27] Speaker 1: She loves the horses. So that's the intrinsic part. Okay,
[7:30] Speaker 1: so let's move to today, because I don't want to
[7:33] Speaker 1: spend too much time on the history of it. The
[7:35] Speaker 1: motivation continuum says, well, let's complicate things a little bit.
[7:39] Speaker 1: But actually, this makes so much more sense. There are
[7:42] Speaker 1: three other kinds of motivation, or four technically, but we're
[7:44] Speaker 1: only going to talk about three others that sit in
[7:46] Speaker 1: between those two extremes. Everything's always so extreme. And when
[7:51] Speaker 1: I talk to teachers, I keep on saying to them,
[7:53] Speaker 1: we don't want to have classrooms that are built on
[7:55] Speaker 1: external motivators. Like if you turn your classroom into a
[7:58] Speaker 1: game show or into a threatening environment, if it's all
[8:01] Speaker 1: about punishments and rewards, it's going to be really hard
[8:04] Speaker 1: work for you and really hard work for the kids.
[8:05] Speaker 1: The kids aren't learning because they want to, their learning
[8:07] Speaker 1: because they have to. And even with rewards like rewards
[8:11] Speaker 1: don't encourage kids to do the learning. Rewards encourage kids
[8:14] Speaker 1: to get rewards. So that's the external stuff, the intrinsic stuff.
[8:19] Speaker 1: I just I'm constantly saying to teachers, intrinsic motivation in
[8:22] Speaker 1: the classroom is too high a bar. You're not going
[8:24] Speaker 1: to find a way to get every student to be
[8:27] Speaker 1: intrinsically motivated to do calculus or algebra, or to write essays,
[8:31] Speaker 1: or to run the cross country or to do the
[8:33] Speaker 1: science experiment. Like there will be some who just say
[8:36] Speaker 1: I love maths so much that I would read a
[8:38] Speaker 1: math's textbook for fun on the weekend. There will be
[8:40] Speaker 1: some like that, but generally speaking, you won't find intrinsically
[8:45] Speaker 1: motivated people in the school. And it's the same at
[8:46] Speaker 1: home with the Dishwise, you're all putting the bins out
[8:48] Speaker 1: or cleaning the room or being nice to sisters. The
[8:51] Speaker 1: intrinsic motivational bar is simply too high. So after the break,
[8:55] Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about the three other forms of
[8:56] Speaker 1: motivation that matter and how we can help get stuff done,
[9:00] Speaker 1: how we can improve and change motivation levels in our
[9:04] Speaker 1: home to make our family work better and to help
[9:06] Speaker 1: our kids be happier. That's next. We're back. This is
[9:17] Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast astray as Most Downloaded parenty podcast
[9:20] Speaker 1: talking about motivation today.
[9:21] Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever said this before on the podcast,
[9:24] Speaker 2: but yep, if you've got a pen and paper, take
[9:27] Speaker 2: some notes, because this is a really good stuff.
[9:30] Speaker 1: I appreciate the Missus Happy Family's endorsement. We've talked with
[9:33] Speaker 1: our kids around the dining table and the living room
[9:35] Speaker 1: and in the car about these levels of motivation again
[9:37] Speaker 1: and again and again, and they know these words. So
[9:40] Speaker 1: let's go back to the beginning. After external motivation, I'm
[9:42] Speaker 1: doing it because someone's making me, or I'm doing it
[9:44] Speaker 1: because I'm going to get a reward. There's this thing
[9:47] Speaker 1: called introjected motivation. Interjective motivation is I'm doing it because
[9:52] Speaker 1: I'm supposed to, because I should, because I just feel
[9:55] Speaker 1: like I must do this.
[9:57] Speaker 2: So I eat Brussels sprouts because I know it should.
[10:00] Speaker 2: They're good for me, but I don't love them.
[10:02] Speaker 1: Okay, I don't need brussel sprust. No, I was going
[10:04] Speaker 1: to say yeah, yeah, yeah, or it's I'm not eating
[10:07] Speaker 1: the chocolate cake in the staff for inm today because
[10:09] Speaker 1: I said that I was going to go on a diet.
[10:10] Speaker 1: No one's making me abstain. I'm making myself abstain. But
[10:14] Speaker 1: it's kind of like you've become the policeman, or you've
[10:17] Speaker 1: become the school teacher, the school master, you've become the
[10:20] Speaker 1: parent of you to make this stuff happen. You're not
[10:24] Speaker 1: doing it because you know deep down that this is
[10:26] Speaker 1: a good thing to do and that it's the right
[10:28] Speaker 1: thing to do and it's what you want to do.
[10:29] Speaker 1: You're doing it because you have to.
[10:31] Speaker 2: It's kind of like it's like an obligation.
[10:34] Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, duty is the word that I would use there.
[10:37] Speaker 1: And generally when people act out of obligation, act out
[10:39] Speaker 1: of judy, they don't do it with a smile on
[10:41] Speaker 1: their face. They're not thinking, oh my goodness, my life
[10:43] Speaker 1: is so full, complete and rich because I'm doing this thing.
[10:46] Speaker 1: They're doing it kind of miserably.
[10:48] Speaker 2: But that's kind of man, chocolate right now.
[10:51] Speaker 1: Right, you're abstaining from chocolate because you just you know,
[10:53] Speaker 1: you're not supposed to eat it because you're trying to
[10:55] Speaker 1: be healthy. Yeah, okay, great, So the next level and this.
[10:58] Speaker 2: Kind of it feels like you're dray making your feet
[11:00] Speaker 2: exactly hard work.
[11:02] Speaker 1: Yeah, through quickstand mud slush. Yeah. The next one is
[11:05] Speaker 1: the one that I really want to focus on. After extrinsic,
[11:09] Speaker 1: we got it interjected. The next level up is called
[11:13] Speaker 1: identified motivation. And I would say that this is the
[11:17] Speaker 1: motivational workhorse. If you're dealing with an introjected child, it's
[11:22] Speaker 1: hard work. You're no longer on their back so much.
[11:24] Speaker 1: They're kind of making themselves do it, but they really
[11:26] Speaker 1: hate it. Oh, and they'll let you know, and they'll
[11:28] Speaker 1: let you know about it absolutely. But something happens when
[11:31] Speaker 1: kids move from introject to identified, and this is what
[11:36] Speaker 1: it is. When you identify the value of an activity
[11:42] Speaker 1: or a behavior or whatever the thing is, you begin
[11:46] Speaker 1: to internally endorse whatever you need to do to get there.
[11:52] Speaker 1: And so let's take your chocolate example. If I say
[11:56] Speaker 1: I really value my health, nothing feels as good as
[12:00] Speaker 1: feeling fit feels, or I know that I feel much
[12:05] Speaker 1: more vital when I keep off the process sugary stuff.
[12:09] Speaker 1: I just I've identified that, and I value feeling vital
[12:13] Speaker 1: and healthy and energized more than I value the taste
[12:17] Speaker 1: of chocolate, even though I love chocolate. What happens is
[12:19] Speaker 1: you start to endorse the idea that of standing from
[12:21] Speaker 1: chocolate is highly valued, and because you've identified that, you
[12:27] Speaker 1: value this no one ever has to start cracking the whip.
[12:31] Speaker 1: And you don't even have to crack the whip on
[12:32] Speaker 1: yourself anymore. You just go. You know, I just value
[12:35] Speaker 1: my health more than I value the flavor of the chocolate,
[12:37] Speaker 1: even though I like chocolate. I value my health more.
[12:39] Speaker 1: And all of a sudden, you've moved to endorsement. You've
[12:42] Speaker 1: moved to this situation where you say, my ego's not
[12:44] Speaker 1: involved anymore. This isn't about duty. This is just about
[12:47] Speaker 1: improving myself, and I value improving myself done. If you
[12:50] Speaker 1: can help your children to identify the value of staying
[12:53] Speaker 1: off their screen, going to bed early, treating their sister
[12:55] Speaker 1: or their brother with kindness and respect, getting their reading done,
[12:58] Speaker 1: doing their music practice, participating in family activities and events.
[13:03] Speaker 1: Once they identify the value, you don't have to be
[13:06] Speaker 1: on their case anymore. It changes the game. There's this
[13:09] Speaker 1: conversation that Alfie Kne has. He says, the question isn't
[13:13] Speaker 1: how motivated is your child? The question is how is
[13:17] Speaker 1: your child motivated? And if they're motivated extrinsically, it's always
[13:22] Speaker 1: going to be hard work and you're always going to
[13:23] Speaker 1: have to have surveillance on them.
[13:25] Speaker 2: Well not only that you're going to have to have
[13:27] Speaker 2: loss of carrots.
[13:28] Speaker 1: Yeah that's right. Yeah, lots of bribes, and it's just painful,
[13:31] Speaker 1: hard work for you. If your child is motivated introjectedly,
[13:36] Speaker 1: then the surveillance can ease off a little bit. But
[13:40] Speaker 1: your child's not doing anything because it feels good. They're
[13:42] Speaker 1: doing it because they're duty bound, and yeah, that's better
[13:44] Speaker 1: than external but it's still pretty hard YAKA for them.
[13:47] Speaker 1: It takes a toll, and research shows that it literally
[13:49] Speaker 1: takes a cognitive and emotional toll on them. But once
[13:53] Speaker 1: they get to identified, they're basically going, yeah, there's value
[13:57] Speaker 1: in this. I guess I'm in. And it doesn't even
[14:01] Speaker 1: mean that they like it, but they just get that
[14:03] Speaker 1: it matters, so they're on board.
[14:06] Speaker 2: Is it possible that you could identify with the fact
[14:10] Speaker 2: that chocolate is not good for you, right and recognize
[14:16] Speaker 2: all of the benefits And some days sit in that
[14:20] Speaker 2: place of I just don't eat chocolate. I'm not that person,
[14:26] Speaker 2: and then other days fall short.
[14:28] Speaker 1: I'm asking for a friend. Yeah, because motivation changes, right, Like,
[14:35] Speaker 1: you're not constantly identified or whatever the next ones are
[14:38] Speaker 1: that I'm going to talk about. You're not constantly there,
[14:40] Speaker 1: depending on the day, depending on how tired you are,
[14:42] Speaker 1: depending on what's just happened in terms of conflict and
[14:44] Speaker 1: tension with your loved ones or with a boss, that
[14:48] Speaker 1: can impact the way that you're motivated.
[14:50] Speaker 2: I know we're talking about me and chocolate, but I'm
[14:53] Speaker 2: asking that because I see it in our children all
[14:56] Speaker 2: the time. They identify with something a principle or a
[15:01] Speaker 2: standard or just a way of being.
[15:03] Speaker 1: I want to get on with my sisters. I like
[15:04] Speaker 1: it when our home feels friendly and kind and.
[15:08] Speaker 2: You can see it they understand it on all levels.
[15:11] Speaker 2: And some days they're great, and other days it's just
[15:14] Speaker 2: like you wouldn't know that they're the same kid.
[15:17] Speaker 1: Yeah, that they had identified the value in that, and
[15:20] Speaker 1: that's because on that day they've forgotten what they value.
[15:23] Speaker 1: It's actually a question of values, right, And if I've
[15:25] Speaker 1: forgotten what I value because my sister has just been
[15:27] Speaker 1: snappy and snarky toward me, if I forget that I
[15:29] Speaker 1: really do value kindness, I might snap back, or I
[15:33] Speaker 1: might go, oh, I'm going to do the right thing
[15:37] Speaker 1: because I'm supposed to here and I'm going to be
[15:40] Speaker 1: I'm duty bound to group my teeth and get but
[15:43] Speaker 1: there's there's real animosity and that kind of thing. So
[15:46] Speaker 1: we can slide up and down the motivational continuum like
[15:49] Speaker 1: this is not status.
[15:50] Speaker 2: It's fluid.
[15:51] Speaker 1: It's of course, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's dynamic because life
[15:53] Speaker 1: is dynamic. If I wake up really really tired, research
[15:57] Speaker 1: shows that my hormones and my brain some of that
[16:02] Speaker 1: I do my brain surgutry and my neurotransmitter is I
[16:06] Speaker 1: go to function differently today than they did yesterday when
[16:09] Speaker 1: I got enough sleep. And therefore, when I'm confronted with
[16:12] Speaker 1: trials and challenges and chocolate, which is where you were
[16:16] Speaker 1: about to go, it's possible that my motivation is going
[16:19] Speaker 1: to shift the kind the way that I'm motivated today
[16:21] Speaker 1: may be different to the way that I was motivated.
[16:23] Speaker 2: Yet having cream dynams.
[16:26] Speaker 1: Anyway, Okay, so we've got identified identified as the workhorse.
[16:29] Speaker 1: That's where we want to get the kids to if
[16:30] Speaker 1: they can identify the value. We've done most of the
[16:32] Speaker 1: work and now they will just go Okay, I get it,
[16:35] Speaker 1: and that they're the key words. Yeah, I get it.
[16:37] Speaker 1: I get it. Therefore I will not being forced to it.
[16:39] Speaker 1: I'm not doing it out of duty. I get it.
[16:41] Speaker 1: I'm in the next kind of motivation and we need
[16:44] Speaker 1: to wrap this up because time is done. Is integrated motivation.
[16:47] Speaker 1: Integrated motivation is when you get to the point where
[16:49] Speaker 1: you say this is who I am, this is it's
[16:53] Speaker 1: part of me.
[16:54] Speaker 2: So you go from riding your bike to being a
[16:56] Speaker 2: bike rider. Yes, you go from running to being a yeah.
[17:00] Speaker 1: So it's pretty rare that I wake up and say, no,
[17:02] Speaker 1: I just don't feel like riding today. I'm a cyclist.
[17:06] Speaker 1: I love putting on my licra I love looking at
[17:08] Speaker 1: my doko there shape legs in the mirror and saying,
[17:13] Speaker 1: I'm going to go for another ride and They're going
[17:15] Speaker 1: to look even better. At the end of this, I
[17:16] Speaker 1: wish there was a camera. So that's integrated. Integrated is
[17:21] Speaker 1: when you do it because it's who you are. There
[17:23] Speaker 1: are still some days though, where even though it's who
[17:25] Speaker 1: you are, you might say, oh gee, this is really hard,
[17:27] Speaker 1: but I identify the value, so you slide back to identified,
[17:30] Speaker 1: but at least you're still in. It's pretty rare that
[17:31] Speaker 1: somebody who is genuinely integrated when it comes to their
[17:34] Speaker 1: motivational style, of their regulation style for a particular activity,
[17:37] Speaker 1: would be just doing it out of duty. It might
[17:40] Speaker 1: happen from time to time, but it's rare, and it
[17:42] Speaker 1: would be very very rare that they would only be
[17:44] Speaker 1: doing it because of the reward they could get for it,
[17:47] Speaker 1: or to avoid punishment. So the further down that end
[17:50] Speaker 1: of the motivation continue you go, the less likely it
[17:53] Speaker 1: is that you're going to slide down the other end.
[17:54] Speaker 1: So while it is dynamic, well it's not static. The
[17:58] Speaker 1: movement isn't usually twist. And then the last one is intrinsic. Okay,
[18:02] Speaker 1: so we've gone from extra and intrinsic means I do
[18:04] Speaker 1: it because I love it. That's me and surfing. It's
[18:06] Speaker 1: me and spending time with you. No one has to
[18:09] Speaker 1: bribe me. I don't do it out of duty. I've
[18:11] Speaker 1: never looked at my surf on and gone, oh, I
[18:12] Speaker 1: really should take it out in the water. I don't
[18:15] Speaker 1: even do it because I say, I identify that there's
[18:17] Speaker 1: value in getting out in the water and having some
[18:19] Speaker 1: nature in my life, or I identify there's value in
[18:22] Speaker 1: me talking to my wife right now. It's the right
[18:24] Speaker 1: thing to do. No, it's number one who I am,
[18:27] Speaker 1: It's integrated, and number two, I love it. It's intrinsic,
[18:31] Speaker 1: Like I check the surf every day, and if the
[18:32] Speaker 1: surf is on, I'm there. I'm not going to go
[18:35] Speaker 1: for a bike ride that day because I love surfing.
[18:37] Speaker 1: Surfing is my number one. That's my joy. If I
[18:41] Speaker 1: get to spend time with you, You've got time for me,
[18:44] Speaker 1: I'm there. I can't think of anything I'd rather do
[18:46] Speaker 1: than go for a walk, grab a treat with you,
[18:49] Speaker 1: one of those jamming cream doughnuts that we're not eating.
[18:52] Speaker 1: I'll go and buy some lunch, or just go for
[18:54] Speaker 1: a walk along the beach or along the path, well
[18:56] Speaker 1: around the block with the dog. Because it means that
[18:57] Speaker 1: I get to be with you. That's intrinsic. And so
[19:01] Speaker 1: when we want our kids to be motivated, the name
[19:04] Speaker 1: of the game is not that we want them to
[19:06] Speaker 1: be motivated, but it's how we want them to be
[19:08] Speaker 1: motivated or regulated. And if we can get them to identified,
[19:12] Speaker 1: or even better integrated or profoundly intrinsically regulated, we just
[19:19] Speaker 1: don't have to crack the whip anymore. And that comes
[19:22] Speaker 1: to conversations.
[19:24] Speaker 2: So if we wanted to just kind of put this
[19:25] Speaker 2: into real life terms, how this plays out in our house,
[19:30] Speaker 2: we believe that you're part of a family, and as
[19:34] Speaker 2: part of a family, you just get in and your help.
[19:37] Speaker 2: But so many families choose to pay children to do jobs,
[19:43] Speaker 2: and as soon as you add a dollar figure to a.
[19:47] Speaker 1: Job, it becomes extrinsic it totally.
[19:50] Speaker 2: It undermines the whole value of being part of a
[19:55] Speaker 2: team and just getting in, mucking in, doing what needs
[19:58] Speaker 2: to be done when it needs to be.
[19:59] Speaker 1: Done, and the good feeling of doing a job well done.
[20:02] Speaker 1: So Emerson said, the reward of a job well done
[20:04] Speaker 1: is to have done it.
[20:05] Speaker 2: Yeah.
[20:05] Speaker 1: But once you start paying somebody, once you start to
[20:08] Speaker 1: bring in external motivators, people start doing the thing. Like
[20:13] Speaker 1: when you say do this and you get that, the
[20:15] Speaker 1: focus is not on this, The focus is on that
[20:18] Speaker 1: because I want the outcome. I want the I want that,
[20:20] Speaker 1: I want the money, I want the trip to the park,
[20:22] Speaker 1: I want the time with my friends, I want the screen.
[20:24] Speaker 1: So the whole idea here is we have conversations with
[20:27] Speaker 1: our kids where they start to identify that there's value
[20:30] Speaker 1: in doing this, there's value in being together, there's value
[20:32] Speaker 1: in making a contribution, there's value in helping out. And
[20:35] Speaker 1: that can be a pretty hard sell sometimes and that's
[20:39] Speaker 1: where the three's come in. For those of you who
[20:40] Speaker 1: have listened to the pot for a while, you know
[20:42] Speaker 1: about the three e's. Three e's of effective discipline is
[20:45] Speaker 1: what gets you to identified because as you say, we'll
[20:47] Speaker 1: wear are you up to? Well, here's what I need.
[20:49] Speaker 1: So how are we going to work this out in
[20:50] Speaker 1: a way that we can feel good about. How can
[20:52] Speaker 1: we problem solve this so that you can see that
[20:54] Speaker 1: there is value in doing this. That's really what the
[20:56] Speaker 1: three is of effective discipline are about.
[20:58] Speaker 2: What I love about that is it's aversation about bringing
[21:01] Speaker 2: your children into the solution.
[21:04] Speaker 1: Precisely. We could talk about this for a lot longer.
[21:07] Speaker 1: A shameless plug. My brand new book, Boys, Building Strong
[21:10] Speaker 1: Young Men from the Inside Out has two massive, really
[21:14] Speaker 1: really detailed and helpful, easy to understand, easy to follow
[21:19] Speaker 1: chapters about this motivation continuing because if we need to
[21:23] Speaker 1: motivate anyone the right way, it's our boys. Check it
[21:26] Speaker 1: out now. You can get it. It comes out in
[21:27] Speaker 1: two weeks, but you can pre order now and get
[21:28] Speaker 1: a whole lot of freevieuz with it. Booktopia dot com
[21:30] Speaker 1: dot a you they've got twenty seven cent off or
[21:33] Speaker 1: something like that. Like you get ten bucks off the
[21:35] Speaker 1: book right now if you order it from booktopia dot
[21:37] Speaker 1: com dot AU. That's it for today. We're back tomorrow
[21:39] Speaker 1: with more on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced
[21:41] Speaker 1: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides our admin
[21:45] Speaker 1: and other support, and if you would like more info
[21:47] Speaker 1: to make your family happier, you'll find all of it
[21:49] Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot A. You

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