# Our Mind Tells Us Stories

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 10 May 2026, 21 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/b235caaa-cdf6-4048-8205-b43d008b3a7a/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

You felt confident. Radiant. Unstoppable. Then nothing changed… except your thoughts - and suddenly, everything looked wrong. In this powerful episode, a simple set of family photos reveals a confronting truth: your mind is constantly telling stories - and many of them aren’t real. What if the way you see your child, your partner… even yourself… isn’t truth, but a narrative you’ve unknowingly rehearsed? This episode will change how you interpret behaviour, emotions, and the hard moments of family life - so you can raise more resilient kids (and be kinder to yourself in the process). KEY POINTS • Your brain can’t distinguish between imagination and reality - and your body reacts accordingly • We all have a built-in negativity bias that distorts how we see people and situations • You move towards what you focus on - in parenting, relationships, and life • A simple language shift using “but” can completely reframe your thinking • Kids absorb the stories we model - your mindset becomes their inner voice • Negative thoughts are loud and bossy - positive ones are quieter and require intention QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “Your mind is a great storyteller—let’s make sure it’s telling you great stories.” ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Catch the story: Notice when your thoughts shift negative - pause and question them • Flip the “but”: • “They’re driving me crazy, but they’re a good kid” • Redirect your focus: Ask: What’s working right now? • Model self-talk: Speak about yourself and your kids in ways you want them to internalise • Turn down the noise: Be intentional about listening to the quieter, calmer thoughts • Create better scripts: If reality feels hard, visualise what you want - your brain will follow See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Today, I have
[0:08] Speaker 1: no idea what we're going to talk about. Mishappy Families
[0:11] Speaker 1: has asked for the pod, has said, I'm in charge today.
[0:15] Speaker 1: Just trust me.
[0:16] Speaker 2: It's going to be a cracker.
[0:18] Speaker 1: Can you give me a hint, because all you've said
[0:19] Speaker 1: is I've got a story to tell them. Then you're
[0:21] Speaker 1: going to talk about the science, and you're just you're
[0:23] Speaker 1: putting a lot of faith in me that I'm going
[0:25] Speaker 1: to know where to go and know what to do.
[0:26] Speaker 3: When have you ever not known what to say? Seriously,
[0:30] Speaker 3: a couple of weeks ago, I had a really poignant
[0:33] Speaker 3: experience that just highlighted how powerful the messages that our
[0:40] Speaker 3: brain tells us impacts the way we see things and
[0:45] Speaker 3: our perspective on things. And I want to talk about
[0:48] Speaker 3: how our brain tells us stories and more times than not,
[0:52] Speaker 3: they're actually not true.
[0:54] Speaker 1: So this is a conversation about helping our kids to
[0:56] Speaker 1: be resilient and not listening to negative messages.
[1:00] Speaker 3: Maybe we'll see where it goes.
[1:01] Speaker 2: Stay with us. The surprise is next.
[1:07] Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get
[1:09] Speaker 1: real parenting solutions every single day. It's a Stray's most
[1:12] Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Colson love
[1:15] Speaker 1: kicking off the week with a surprise. Today, not only
[1:17] Speaker 1: do you get real parenting solutions, you also get the
[1:20] Speaker 1: same surprise that I'm getting missus Happy Families. You've asked
[1:23] Speaker 1: for the pod, Kylie? What is it that you want
[1:25] Speaker 1: to share with this? What was your story? What was
[1:27] Speaker 1: your inside? Where are we going with this?
[1:30] Speaker 3: A handful of weeks ago, we booked in some family
[1:33] Speaker 3: photos with a photographer and I had looked at some
[1:37] Speaker 3: of her photos and I'd seen a few location shots,
[1:40] Speaker 3: and we decided we'd go to a local mountain and
[1:43] Speaker 3: have some photos up during sunset. And the day of
[1:48] Speaker 3: she actually sent me a message and she said, I
[1:50] Speaker 3: don't think we're going to get the money shot today.
[1:52] Speaker 3: She said, it doesn't look like we're going to get
[1:54] Speaker 3: much of a sunset. She said, this, it's overcast, there's
[1:58] Speaker 3: not a lot of light, there won't be a lot
[1:59] Speaker 3: of color in the sky. What would you like to do?
[2:02] Speaker 3: And I thought for a minute, and I thought, you
[2:04] Speaker 3: know what, isn't that just so indicative her family life?
[2:06] Speaker 3: You plan, and no matter how much planning you do,
[2:08] Speaker 3: it just never works out the way you want it,
[2:10] Speaker 3: and so we're just going to run with it regardless
[2:13] Speaker 3: of how it works out. If it's raining, it's raining,
[2:15] Speaker 3: we'll have photos in the rain. I just thought, let's
[2:17] Speaker 3: just see how it goes. That afternoon, we showed up
[2:20] Speaker 3: and unbelievably, everything actually turned out amazing. But in the
[2:26] Speaker 3: moment when you're in front of the camera, it kind
[2:30] Speaker 3: of feels a little bit surreal in that you have
[2:33] Speaker 3: no idea what she's capturing because you're actually you have
[2:35] Speaker 3: your back to the best of it, right. And so
[2:38] Speaker 3: as we were leaving, I said to her, do you
[2:39] Speaker 3: think we got a money shot today? And she just
[2:40] Speaker 3: looked at me with her eyes like wide, and she
[2:42] Speaker 3: was like, Kylie, you got so many money shots. This
[2:45] Speaker 3: was It was just perfect. I can't believe that they
[2:48] Speaker 3: turned out as well as they have. I can't wait
[2:49] Speaker 3: to share them with you. She actually went home because
[2:52] Speaker 3: she knew on was busting, and she just took a
[2:54] Speaker 3: photo of her computer screen to just give me an idea.
[2:58] Speaker 3: She said, this is the con this is what we're
[3:00] Speaker 3: working with. And I was so excited. And if we
[3:05] Speaker 3: backtrack a little bit, I've been on this little bit
[3:07] Speaker 3: of a health kick and I had got into my
[3:09] Speaker 3: skinny genes specifically for this photo shoot, and I was
[3:13] Speaker 3: feeling amazing. When the photos arrived. Oh my gosh, they
[3:18] Speaker 3: were spectacular, and I looked at me specifically and was
[3:24] Speaker 3: so amazed at how confident I seemed, how radiant I was.
[3:31] Speaker 3: I just I felt like everything about the photos, including me,
[3:34] Speaker 3: which is not usual. I don't usually see through that
[3:37] Speaker 3: lens was just perfect, and I was so grateful for it.
[3:41] Speaker 3: Let's fast forward now. A couple of weeks later. I'm
[3:44] Speaker 3: having a really bad day. I got on the scales,
[3:46] Speaker 3: they did not tell me what I wanted to see,
[3:49] Speaker 3: and I was so frustrated, and I started berating myself
[3:53] Speaker 3: and getting really really worked up about the fact that
[3:56] Speaker 3: I'm working really hard, I'm doing all the things, and
[3:59] Speaker 3: it just doesn't seem to be paying off. And I
[4:01] Speaker 3: looked in the mirror and I just felt fat, and
[4:03] Speaker 3: I was getting really really upset, and so I thought,
[4:06] Speaker 3: you know what, I'll just go back and look at
[4:08] Speaker 3: those photos because they made me feel amazing when I
[4:11] Speaker 3: got them. And here's the crazy thing. I opened them up,
[4:15] Speaker 3: and for the first time since i'd got them, all
[4:18] Speaker 3: I could see were all the things that I was
[4:21] Speaker 3: frustrated with about my body, and I was tearing myself apart.
[4:26] Speaker 3: And I was absolutely blown away by that experience. And
[4:31] Speaker 3: as I sat with it and realized what changed. The
[4:36] Speaker 3: photos didn't change. Nothing about the photos changed. They were spectacular.
[4:40] Speaker 3: I can't wait to have them on our walls. It
[4:43] Speaker 3: was just my brain and what messages were going through
[4:48] Speaker 3: it that changed the lens by which I saw them.
[4:52] Speaker 2: Yeah, mindset.
[4:54] Speaker 3: Yeah, And so I wanted to talk about that today
[4:56] Speaker 3: because I think it was such a powerful thing. Whether
[5:00] Speaker 3: it's photos or whether it's the way we view a
[5:03] Speaker 3: relationship or the behavior that our children place in front
[5:10] Speaker 3: of us. The stimulus that they give to us, the
[5:13] Speaker 3: perspective that we view it through changes everything.
[5:16] Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, let's talk about that after the break.
[5:20] Speaker 1: I've been making those furiously as you've been talking, thinking
[5:23] Speaker 1: about all the sciencing things that I can say to
[5:26] Speaker 1: make this make sense. And it really does tie in
[5:28] Speaker 1: with the things that we're teaching our children, the language,
[5:30] Speaker 1: the words we're using, and the way that they do
[5:33] Speaker 1: or do not face the challenges and the bad lighting
[5:37] Speaker 1: and the cranky moods and things.
[5:39] Speaker 2: In their lives.
[5:40] Speaker 1: Stay with us some science the ideas to help our
[5:43] Speaker 1: families to be happier. Next we're back. This is The
[5:53] Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast. If you are enjoying the podcast, please
[5:55] Speaker 1: share it with your friends, your neighbors, your relatives, anyone
[5:57] Speaker 1: that you think might be grateful for some ideas that
[5:59] Speaker 1: can make their family be happier.
[6:01] Speaker 2: Hopefully it's making your family happier.
[6:03] Speaker 1: Kylie, A couple of things to pick up on out
[6:05] Speaker 1: of your story, and I'd love to I'd love to
[6:08] Speaker 1: get your input as I go through these. The first
[6:11] Speaker 1: thing I just wanted to highlight that when you got
[6:13] Speaker 1: the photos, the first thing you looked at was yourself.
[6:16] Speaker 1: I did, yeap, because that's what we do. We don't
[6:18] Speaker 1: look at everybody else in the photo. We look at ourselves.
[6:21] Speaker 1: We always talk about how kids are so self focused,
[6:23] Speaker 1: how kids are so ego centric, how kids make it
[6:25] Speaker 1: all about them.
[6:27] Speaker 2: It's a human characteristic. That's what you do.
[6:29] Speaker 1: Nobody ever gets the photos and says, oh, I wonder
[6:31] Speaker 1: how everyone accept me looked.
[6:33] Speaker 2: Nobody's sort of scanning.
[6:35] Speaker 1: Once you've had a good look at you, that's when
[6:36] Speaker 1: you start to look at everybody else's faces. But usually
[6:39] Speaker 1: you only notice you in the photo. That's just a
[6:41] Speaker 1: fun aside. The things that I really wanted to touch
[6:44] Speaker 1: on are based around this idea that our mind is
[6:47] Speaker 1: an incredible storyteller. So let's start with the idea that
[6:53] Speaker 1: our mind doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality.
[6:59] Speaker 1: I'm going to ask you to do something, Okay, and
[7:01] Speaker 1: obviously everyone who's listening can do this as well. I
[7:04] Speaker 1: want you to think of your favorite fruit. For me,
[7:06] Speaker 1: it's passion fruit. So I'm going to use the word
[7:08] Speaker 1: passion fruit, and hopefully you like them as well. Otherwise,
[7:10] Speaker 1: maybe it's pineapple, strawberry. Let's go with passion fruit. You
[7:13] Speaker 1: open up the fridge. You know how fructas always tastes
[7:16] Speaker 1: better when it comes out of the fridge, So that
[7:17] Speaker 1: the sugars and the passion fruit, oh my goodness, they're
[7:19] Speaker 1: going to be so much better because the passion fruits cold.
[7:21] Speaker 1: You open up the fridge and you see a passion
[7:23] Speaker 1: fruit the size of the palm of your hand sitting
[7:25] Speaker 1: on the shelf. You pull the passion fruit out, put
[7:28] Speaker 1: it on the chopping board, and you chop through the
[7:30] Speaker 1: center of.
[7:31] Speaker 3: No, you don't chop through the center anymore, and spoon.
[7:35] Speaker 2: And that's right.
[7:36] Speaker 1: Well you need to in this case because as you
[7:38] Speaker 1: chop through the center of it, you don't have a
[7:40] Speaker 1: passion fruit juice. Some of it always spills out of
[7:44] Speaker 1: the passion fruit onto the cutting board.
[7:46] Speaker 3: Do we tell everyone we slurp up the juice or
[7:48] Speaker 3: should we?
[7:49] Speaker 2: Not sure? Why not? That can be part of the story.
[7:51] Speaker 1: So you see the juice slurp out or spill out
[7:55] Speaker 1: onto the cutting board, you pick up that passion fruit. No,
[7:57] Speaker 1: I want you to keep your eyes closed, hopefully you're
[7:59] Speaker 1: not driving. Keep your eyes closed, and imagine the spoon
[8:03] Speaker 1: going into the passion fruit, pulling the seeds away from
[8:05] Speaker 1: the air, just stirring it up just a little bit.
[8:07] Speaker 1: And then you lift that gigantic passion fruit pulp out
[8:12] Speaker 1: of the passion fruit. You put it into your mouth
[8:14] Speaker 1: and you can taste the sweetness exploding, the flavors right
[8:19] Speaker 1: through your entire mouth. It goes up into your brain,
[8:22] Speaker 1: the flavor, the taste, the excitement, the.
[8:25] Speaker 2: Coldness of it.
[8:26] Speaker 1: Now, let me ask you a quick question. What's happening
[8:29] Speaker 1: inside your mouth?
[8:30] Speaker 2: Right now?
[8:31] Speaker 3: I'm salvating?
[8:32] Speaker 1: Right were you salivating before I started talking about passion
[8:36] Speaker 1: fruit and fruit toast? And all those things. No, not
[8:39] Speaker 1: even almost. So do you have a passion fruit in
[8:41] Speaker 1: your hand? No, your brain doesn't know.
[8:45] Speaker 3: I am thinking about all the passion fruit growing on
[8:47] Speaker 3: our vine right now.
[8:49] Speaker 1: I hope that they work out. But here's my point.
[8:51] Speaker 1: Your brain doesn't know that it's not going to get
[8:54] Speaker 1: a passion fruit. And because it's received the stimulus, it
[8:58] Speaker 1: has started to create a phizzy iological response. And it's
[9:02] Speaker 1: the same thing around anxiety. It's the same thing around stress.
[9:05] Speaker 1: It's the same thing around sadness and depression. You name
[9:08] Speaker 1: the emotion. If you close your eyes and put yourself
[9:10] Speaker 1: in a certain situation, you will have a physiological response.
[9:14] Speaker 1: You did something recently where somebody had you hooked up
[9:18] Speaker 1: to a breathing apparatus and they were testing your breathing.
[9:22] Speaker 1: They had you in a nice, easy breathing cycle. Then
[9:25] Speaker 1: they asked you to scroll through the news headlines, and
[9:28] Speaker 1: you're breathing, even though none of the things that you
[9:31] Speaker 1: were reading about affect you in any meaningful way, no
[9:34] Speaker 1: tangible way.
[9:35] Speaker 2: What happened to your breathing?
[9:36] Speaker 3: I almost stopped breathing. I didn't, but it was very shallow.
[9:40] Speaker 3: So I'd been in this beautiful cycle of five seconds
[9:43] Speaker 3: in five seconds out, just very rhythmatic.
[9:46] Speaker 1: Six nice, easy balanced breaths per minute.
[9:50] Speaker 3: And then he hands me his phone asks me to
[9:52] Speaker 3: just read while he's talking to me. So I'm only
[9:56] Speaker 3: reading the headlines. I'm not even delving into.
[9:58] Speaker 2: And you're not reading about a war. You're reading Prince Harry.
[10:01] Speaker 3: Yeah, and all of a sudden without knowing it, Like
[10:04] Speaker 3: I don't physically feel the change. I actually didn't feel
[10:07] Speaker 3: the change until I saw it on the screen.
[10:09] Speaker 1: So the critical thing, the critical scientific insight that applies
[10:14] Speaker 1: to our kids is that if the brain, the mind
[10:18] Speaker 1: doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality, we can
[10:22] Speaker 1: help our children and ourselves to change the script, to
[10:25] Speaker 1: remove limiting beliefs, to start to feed fulfilling, positive, uplifting, energizing,
[10:33] Speaker 1: vital positive information. Now this is not happyology. This is
[10:37] Speaker 1: not let's just pretend that everything's great. Rather, this is
[10:41] Speaker 1: about saying, what is it that matters to me? And
[10:44] Speaker 1: can I focus on that? Which brings me to my
[10:47] Speaker 1: second point. I've kind of segued from one to the other. Anyway,
[10:50] Speaker 1: My second point is this we move towards what we
[10:54] Speaker 1: focus on. What do I mean by that? If you
[10:57] Speaker 1: are writing a skateboard, if you are writing a pushbike,
[11:02] Speaker 1: if you are riding a motorcycle, maybe even if you're
[11:06] Speaker 1: driving a car. Not quite so much with a car,
[11:08] Speaker 1: although somewhat. If you turn your head and look in
[11:11] Speaker 1: a certain direction, whether you're on any of those forms
[11:14] Speaker 1: of transport, what happens is you start to move in
[11:18] Speaker 1: that direction. You and I have done this on the
[11:20] Speaker 1: bike quite a lot. I'm trying to help you to
[11:22] Speaker 1: corner a little bit better, especially after the most recent crash.
[11:25] Speaker 1: And what I keep on emphasizing is don't look where
[11:28] Speaker 1: you're going, look where you want to go. So if
[11:31] Speaker 1: you're going around a roundabout, don't look two three meters
[11:34] Speaker 1: in front of a wheel, which is where the bike's
[11:35] Speaker 1: kind of going. Instead, keep your head up and look
[11:38] Speaker 1: down the street that you're turning into, because the bike
[11:41] Speaker 1: will automatically go there. Happens on skateboards, happens on surfboards,
[11:44] Speaker 1: happens on motorcycles, happens in cars, Believe it or not.
[11:47] Speaker 1: You know, when you're driving and you look into the
[11:50] Speaker 1: back seat because the kids are there and there annoying you.
[11:52] Speaker 1: And then when you look back to the front of
[11:54] Speaker 1: the vehicle. Again, the car has veered in the direction
[11:57] Speaker 1: you looked. If you looked over your left should of
[11:58] Speaker 1: the car has moved to the left shod shoulder. If
[12:00] Speaker 1: you look at your right shoulder, the car has moved
[12:02] Speaker 1: across a little bit into the right lane. And so
[12:05] Speaker 1: we move towards whatever we're focusing on you in that
[12:10] Speaker 1: scenario in your story, your perspective has shifted because you're
[12:13] Speaker 1: focused on all the negatives. So what happens while you
[12:15] Speaker 1: look at the pictures and all you see is the negatives.
[12:17] Speaker 1: You're having a lousy day, and all you can think
[12:19] Speaker 1: about is all the lousy stuff that's going on. Again,
[12:22] Speaker 1: at the risk of moving a little close for comfort
[12:25] Speaker 1: into happyology, we really can write new scripts. We really
[12:29] Speaker 1: can say I know that things can be challenging. But
[12:35] Speaker 1: and the great thing about the word but when you
[12:37] Speaker 1: say it like this, when you say butt, you're basically
[12:39] Speaker 1: saying to your mind, ignore everything that I just said.
[12:43] Speaker 1: And usually we see it in a negative light, like, yeah,
[12:45] Speaker 1: she's a really good kid, but lately she's been driving
[12:48] Speaker 1: me crazy. Right, we can spin that around. We can
[12:51] Speaker 1: say she's been driving me crazy, but she's a really
[12:56] Speaker 1: good kid. And our mind holds onto what happens after
[12:59] Speaker 1: the butt, not before the butt. It's the same with
[13:02] Speaker 1: that photo you're looking at. You're looking at the photo
[13:04] Speaker 1: and you're inn a lousy frame of reference.
[13:05] Speaker 2: You move towards the negative.
[13:07] Speaker 1: You're looking at the photos in a positive frame of reference,
[13:10] Speaker 1: and you see the colors, you see the smiles, you
[13:12] Speaker 1: see the joy, and you remember the fact that all
[13:15] Speaker 1: of our children were well behaved for an entire hour
[13:17] Speaker 1: and a half while we took family photos one afternoon.
[13:19] Speaker 1: Never happened before, may never happen again, But it happened.
[13:21] Speaker 1: It happened, and noticed there's a butt. It happened, and
[13:24] Speaker 1: now we feel good because it happened.
[13:26] Speaker 3: I find this so curious because it makes so much sense,
[13:30] Speaker 3: and yet we push against it so much. Yes, but
[13:33] Speaker 3: I had another really powerful experience just recently where I
[13:36] Speaker 3: did a meditation and the instructor asked me to think
[13:39] Speaker 3: of somebody I loved and to offer them happiness and
[13:43] Speaker 3: peace and.
[13:44] Speaker 2: Freedom, easy and beautiful, and.
[13:48] Speaker 3: I did it easily. The interesting thing was straight after
[13:52] Speaker 3: that he asked me to think about somebody who like
[13:54] Speaker 3: a relationship that was challenging me, and funnily enough, my
[13:58] Speaker 3: mind took me to the sac same person who I
[14:01] Speaker 3: had Was it me chosen the first time? Who I love?
[14:06] Speaker 2: You're not answering was it me?
[14:07] Speaker 3: It was not you?
[14:07] Speaker 2: Oh, thank god, it was not you.
[14:10] Speaker 3: But I was surprised at both. Firstly because this person
[14:13] Speaker 3: was challenging me. But when he asked me to think
[14:15] Speaker 3: about somebody, they were the first person I thought of,
[14:19] Speaker 3: and I was able to say those words beautifully, calmly,
[14:22] Speaker 3: and I'm going to say truthfully in that situation. When
[14:27] Speaker 3: he asked me to think about them, he wasn't asking
[14:30] Speaker 3: me to think of the same person, But that's just
[14:32] Speaker 3: how my brain worked. When he asked me to think
[14:34] Speaker 3: of a person that I was challenged by. When I
[14:36] Speaker 3: tried to say those same words to the same person
[14:40] Speaker 3: that I had only seconds ago been able to say
[14:43] Speaker 3: so truthfully and so lovingly, I couldn't.
[14:49] Speaker 1: Do it right, Yeah, because you're looking through a different lens.
[14:52] Speaker 3: I couldn't do it, and I didn't understand it at
[14:54] Speaker 3: the time. But as we're talking it in one breath,
[14:57] Speaker 3: I was looking through the eyes of love because I
[15:00] Speaker 3: love this person deeply. But as soon as I looked
[15:04] Speaker 3: through another lens, it was a lens of hurt because
[15:06] Speaker 3: I started to think about all the things they've done
[15:08] Speaker 3: that have hurt me, and therefore.
[15:10] Speaker 1: I was unaching the happiness and peace when yeah, so
[15:14] Speaker 1: let's bring this back to the family context before I
[15:15] Speaker 1: share my last of my three ideas that have popped
[15:18] Speaker 1: into my head. Listen to your story. In the family context,
[15:22] Speaker 1: it's very easy to put that filter across our children,
[15:24] Speaker 1: or our spouse or partner. Similarly, our employment or our neighbors.
[15:29] Speaker 1: We put this across and we say, jeez, they drive
[15:32] Speaker 1: me crazy. They're always so exhausting, they're such fussy eaters,
[15:36] Speaker 1: they never go to bed on time, they're always at
[15:38] Speaker 1: each other. I can't get them off the screen. And
[15:41] Speaker 1: all these things become bigger and bigger and bigger because
[15:43] Speaker 1: we move towards what we focus on, and our mind
[15:46] Speaker 1: doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality, and we're
[15:48] Speaker 1: making this the reality.
[15:51] Speaker 3: I love how you shifted your comment before you said,
[15:54] Speaker 3: you know, she's such a good kid, but right now
[15:56] Speaker 3: she's driving me crazy.
[15:58] Speaker 1: Or right now I'm me crazy, but she's such a
[16:01] Speaker 1: good kid.
[16:02] Speaker 3: That's a really simple reframe, right, Like, you haven't you
[16:05] Speaker 3: actually haven't changed anything that you've said, right, you're actually
[16:08] Speaker 3: you're sitting in reality. Reality is right now she is
[16:11] Speaker 3: driving me insane. She is pushing every button. I don't
[16:15] Speaker 3: know how to do this, but I'm able to recognize
[16:20] Speaker 3: that we're in a moment as opposed to this is
[16:22] Speaker 3: who she is perfect.
[16:23] Speaker 1: And we said the same thing about our families, right,
[16:25] Speaker 1: I can't believe we used to be happy. But my goodness,
[16:28] Speaker 1: they're driving me crazy versus they're driving me crazy. But
[16:32] Speaker 1: we used to be happy, which means we can probably
[16:35] Speaker 1: be happy again.
[16:36] Speaker 3: Yeah.
[16:37] Speaker 1: In fact, when I used to do one of my
[16:38] Speaker 1: workshops in particular, the question was always when is when?
[16:41] Speaker 1: When has your family been the happiest? Because if you've
[16:43] Speaker 1: been there once, you can get back there again. Last
[16:46] Speaker 1: thing that I need to say, because our time is
[16:47] Speaker 1: well and truly spent, and that is that our mind
[16:49] Speaker 1: does have a negativity bias. Researchers have shown, especially in
[16:53] Speaker 1: Western educated, industrialized, rich democratic nations like our own, that
[16:57] Speaker 1: we have a negativity bias. Interestingly, there's a so called
[17:00] Speaker 1: Eric Hoffer who wrote a book about creating movements things
[17:03] Speaker 1: that are not normally associated well with parenting, and he
[17:06] Speaker 1: highlights that the nearer you get to your ideal. The
[17:09] Speaker 1: nearer you get to your goal, the more dissatisfied you become,
[17:12] Speaker 1: because within region you're still not there, and it becomes
[17:15] Speaker 1: increasingly frustrating.
[17:16] Speaker 2: It's so enticing, and.
[17:17] Speaker 1: It's like, oh my goodness, I work so hard, and
[17:19] Speaker 1: we actually get quite upset about it.
[17:20] Speaker 2: But there is a really strong negativity bias. Let me,
[17:22] Speaker 2: let me ask you a question.
[17:24] Speaker 1: You're looking at a bowl of ice cream, strawberries on top,
[17:27] Speaker 1: chocolate ice cream.
[17:29] Speaker 3: I don't need that anymore. That's not very Interva's right.
[17:31] Speaker 1: You are healthy, But when you were less healthy, when
[17:33] Speaker 1: you were looking at that bowl of chocolate ice cream
[17:35] Speaker 1: with strawberries sprinkled across the top, what's happening inside your mind?
[17:39] Speaker 1: What's happening inside your body?
[17:40] Speaker 3: Give me more? I want it right now.
[17:43] Speaker 1: Yeah, craving right because it looks so good. Let's say
[17:45] Speaker 1: you're looking at that bowl of ice cream, and out
[17:47] Speaker 1: of nowhere, four cockroaches spring up from the bottom of
[17:52] Speaker 1: the bowl and run across the ice cream and the strawberries.
[17:55] Speaker 1: Who knows how they got into the bowl, but they
[17:56] Speaker 1: were in the bowl of the ice cream. When you're
[17:58] Speaker 1: on top of them, they've just found their way out
[17:59] Speaker 1: of it, and they're literally they've run across the ice
[18:02] Speaker 1: cream and the strawberries, how enticing.
[18:04] Speaker 3: Oh that's in the bin.
[18:06] Speaker 2: You're not going to eat it, right?
[18:07] Speaker 1: No, So same ice cream, same strawberries, but it's been
[18:12] Speaker 1: tainted with that negativity. Our goal, as I think about
[18:17] Speaker 1: all the things that you've talked about, our goal is
[18:18] Speaker 1: to maintain an awareness that we are easily drawn to
[18:22] Speaker 1: the negative in spite of all the goodness that's in
[18:24] Speaker 1: our lives. It's to remember that we move towards what
[18:28] Speaker 1: we focus on. So therefore, we have to be intentional
[18:31] Speaker 1: about shifting our focus to either what we want or
[18:35] Speaker 1: what is currently working, because while we focus on the
[18:39] Speaker 1: strengths and the positives, we get better outcomes. And lastly,
[18:42] Speaker 1: the mind doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality,
[18:45] Speaker 1: which means that if things are not good in reality,
[18:48] Speaker 1: let's create the fantasy that we want, start thinking about it,
[18:51] Speaker 1: and we will find that our body and mind automatically
[18:55] Speaker 1: move towards it.
[18:57] Speaker 3: As I've gone through these experiences over the last few weeks,
[19:00] Speaker 3: the thing that really stands out to me. You talk
[19:02] Speaker 3: about negative bias. What I have recognized in myself is
[19:08] Speaker 3: that those negative thoughts, they're really bossy and they're really
[19:11] Speaker 3: loud correct word, yeah, comparative to the positive feelings that
[19:16] Speaker 3: we have. You think about those positive feelings. They're quiet,
[19:20] Speaker 3: they're calm, there's an element of peace to them. And
[19:23] Speaker 3: if we are going to be able to focus on those,
[19:26] Speaker 3: we actually have to be bossy with our thoughts. We
[19:29] Speaker 3: actually have to take control and say, you know what,
[19:31] Speaker 3: you're too loud, I don't want I don't want you,
[19:35] Speaker 3: and give yourself the time to listen to the smaller
[19:39] Speaker 3: voice that's actually probably more attuned to positive reality.
[19:45] Speaker 1: Your mind is great storyteller. Let's make sure that it's
[19:47] Speaker 1: telling you great stories.
[19:48] Speaker 3: Oh do you like?
[19:49] Speaker 1: I did that as well. I did it with the button,
[19:50] Speaker 1: then I did it with the stories. Fay Families podcast
[19:53] Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Mim Hammonds
[19:56] Speaker 1: provides our research. Having in another sport, I like that.
[19:57] Speaker 1: I reckon you should do more podcasts that I don't
[19:59] Speaker 1: have to be involved in. If I just get to
[20:01] Speaker 1: sit here and listen to you tell stories and then
[20:03] Speaker 1: share a psychological principle, I think that we've got a
[20:05] Speaker 1: lifetime of podcasts.
[20:06] Speaker 2: That was fun. Really, it was great. We should do
[20:09] Speaker 2: that more often.
[20:09] Speaker 3: You're gonna, you're gonna let me have a bit more
[20:10] Speaker 3: control these days.
[20:11] Speaker 4: For more information about making your family happier, visit Happy
[20:16] Speaker 4: Families dot com dot you, and please jump online and
[20:19] Speaker 4: pre order the brand new book, Boys Building Strong Young
[20:23] Speaker 4: Men from the Inside Out.
[20:24] Speaker 1: The brand new book by me is out in the
[20:27] Speaker 1: next few weeks and.
[20:28] Speaker 2: You can pre order it now from book toopia dot
[20:29] Speaker 2: com dot you.
[20:30] Speaker 1: That's Boys Building Strong Young Men from the Inside Out
[20:33] Speaker 1: by now.

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