# Q&A: My Eight-Year-Old Turns Aggressive and I Don’t Know Why

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 23 Feb 2026, 19 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/2504b538-6ab9-481a-97ca-b3f30178f8aa/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

He’s perfect at school. Polite. Award-winning. Well behaved. Then he comes home… and explodes. If your 7–8-year-old is melting down over TV, pushing boundaries, or even getting physical when you say no — this episode will help you understand what’s really going on beneath the surface. We unpack the hidden developmental shifts happening in boys around this age, why “just turn it off” can feel impossible for them, and practical strategies to reduce the blow-ups — without constant battles. If you’re exhausted, confused, or questioning yourself… this one’s for you. KEY POINTS • Why boys around 7–8 experience a surge in emotional intensity (adrenarche) • The surprising reason “good at school” can mean explosions at home • Why turning off TV feels bigger than it looks • How to build emotional regulation before age 10 • A powerful way to teach healthy masculinity early • Practical tools: transitions, routines, signals, and collaborative problem-solving QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “A strong, healthy man doesn’t use his strength to dominate. He uses it to help the people around him feel safer and stronger.” ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Pre-plan transitions before TV ends — decide together what happens next. • Use a neutral signal (timer, lights, countdown) to reduce confrontation. • Have calm conversations later, not in the heat of the moment. • Teach emotional strength explicitly — especially for boys. • Stay consistent. Regulation takes repetition, not one perfect talk. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:06] Speaker 1: Gooday and welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you
[0:08] Speaker 1: get real parenting solutions every single day. It's Australia's most
[0:12] Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast. And today another one of your tricky questions.
[0:15] Speaker 1: What do you do when you've got an eight year
[0:16] Speaker 1: old that keeps on having temper tantrums, who is blowing
[0:19] Speaker 1: up and even being violent? Is there a difference between
[0:23] Speaker 1: eight year old boys and eight year old girls when
[0:26] Speaker 1: it comes to the way they regulate their emotions and
[0:28] Speaker 1: deal with the big fat no that they hear every
[0:31] Speaker 1: now and again when they want more TV, more screen time,
[0:34] Speaker 1: or more of the thing that they want that you're
[0:35] Speaker 1: saying they can't have. We're going to discuss that as
[0:37] Speaker 1: our tricky question next on the Happy Families podcasts.
[0:42] Speaker 2: Hello and welcome to.
[0:43] Speaker 1: The Happy Family's podcast where you get real parenting solutions
[0:46] Speaker 1: every single day.
[0:47] Speaker 2: It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast where Justin and Kylie Coulson.
[0:51] Speaker 1: If you have a tricky question for us, Tuesday's the
[0:54] Speaker 1: day that we answer those questions. Just jump online at
[0:57] Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com dot you scroll down to where
[0:59] Speaker 1: it says talk now or record super simple system tell us.
[1:03] Speaker 2: What's on your mind and we will answer it. Alternatively.
[1:05] Speaker 1: You can send us a voice note to podcasts at
[1:07] Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com dot au.
[1:10] Speaker 2: All right, Carly, here we go. This is the one
[1:11] Speaker 2: that we've got for today.
[1:13] Speaker 3: Hi, doctor Justin and Kylie. Thank you for all the
[1:15] Speaker 3: suggestions that you give in your podcast. They are really
[1:19] Speaker 3: helpful and valuable and I listen to your podcast every day.
[1:22] Speaker 3: I've been having some challenges with my nearly eighty year
[1:25] Speaker 3: old son, who is exceptional at school and has very
[1:29] Speaker 3: well behaved. He often wins awards for his behavior at school,
[1:34] Speaker 3: but something changes in him when he comes home. Whenever
[1:39] Speaker 3: he doesn't like something, he just overreacts and physically reacts
[1:44] Speaker 3: and tries to push us or hit us. It's more
[1:48] Speaker 3: so with mom rather than dad. And I have also
[1:51] Speaker 3: noticed that somehow he loves climbing on my shoulders, which
[1:55] Speaker 3: is something that I don't appreciate, and I have spoken
[1:58] Speaker 3: to him extensively about it, but it doesn't change. I
[2:01] Speaker 3: don't know what triggers that behavior, but I have noticed
[2:04] Speaker 3: that every time he watches TV, and he's allowed thirty
[2:09] Speaker 3: minutes of TV every day, when it's time to switch
[2:12] Speaker 3: off the TV, he doesn't really want to switch it off,
[2:16] Speaker 3: and after he's turned it off, that behavior starts. So
[2:20] Speaker 3: I don't really know how to handle this, and I'm
[2:23] Speaker 3: not quite sure how to even identify the triggers. What
[2:26] Speaker 3: is triggering that behavior. I don't know. He gets plenty
[2:29] Speaker 3: of physical exercise, he goes to two different soccer clubs.
[2:32] Speaker 3: He goes for piano, and he goes for cricket, And
[2:35] Speaker 3: I don't really know what else to give him. Is
[2:38] Speaker 3: that overstimulation from TV or perhaps it's lack of exercise
[2:43] Speaker 3: with either of them. I don't think is a valid reason,
[2:46] Speaker 3: but I just wanted your help to identify what triggers
[2:50] Speaker 3: that behavior in him. Thank you so much for your time.
[2:53] Speaker 3: I really appreciate it.
[2:54] Speaker 2: Thanks all right, Carl, I have so much to say
[2:57] Speaker 2: about this, So.
[2:58] Speaker 4: Like Spain said, no to let's just okay. No.
[3:01] Speaker 1: Like when somebody says to me that I need to
[3:04] Speaker 1: turn off the computer, stop answering emails, come and be
[3:06] Speaker 1: with the family.
[3:07] Speaker 2: Put the book down, the book down, whatever it is.
[3:09] Speaker 1: It's like really, and it's the same when you two,
[3:11] Speaker 1: when you're told to get off the swing, or when
[3:13] Speaker 1: you're twelve and you're told to get off TikTok, because
[3:16] Speaker 1: you shouldn't be on it anyway, or sixteen, and even
[3:18] Speaker 1: when you're a grown up, this stuff is hard, Okay.
[3:20] Speaker 1: So this tricky question is really a conversation about emotion
[3:23] Speaker 1: regulation and how to help an eight year old to
[3:27] Speaker 1: deal with the boundaries that are quite reasonably being set
[3:32] Speaker 1: by parents who love him and care for him.
[3:35] Speaker 4: So I remember when our youngest who's now twelve, was
[3:40] Speaker 4: around about eight or nine, and again, at school, she
[3:45] Speaker 4: was actually doing really really well, but she would come
[3:48] Speaker 4: home and we would have these massive outbursts, and it
[3:53] Speaker 4: wasn't for some time until we realized just how much
[3:56] Speaker 4: effort was going into that good behavior at school, the
[4:00] Speaker 4: conformity of positive peer pressure, let's say, and then that
[4:06] Speaker 4: need to just kind of unleashould let go.
[4:09] Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a really popular narrative.
[4:10] Speaker 1: The other one that's really popular is just the idea
[4:12] Speaker 1: that when your children feel safe, they can be whoever
[4:14] Speaker 1: they need to be in the moment, let and just
[4:16] Speaker 1: be their authentic selves, be their true selves, just let
[4:18] Speaker 1: their emotions fly, and if they feel like saying no,
[4:21] Speaker 1: they feel safe enough with you that they can do that.
[4:23] Speaker 1: Both of those narratives do hold some water, and yet
[4:27] Speaker 1: I resist both of them, especially when I listen to this.
[4:30] Speaker 1: So I'm not saying that they're wrong. I'm saying that
[4:33] Speaker 1: there are other explanations that I find more compelling.
[4:35] Speaker 4: Well, I'm just going to put it out there that
[4:36] Speaker 4: when we pulled her out of school, the majority of
[4:40] Speaker 4: that behavior disappeared.
[4:42] Speaker 1: Yeah, except when we said no, right, I mean, because
[4:46] Speaker 1: this is we want what we want. So I've made
[4:50] Speaker 1: some notes as I've listened very very carefully to this wonderful,
[4:53] Speaker 1: wonderful mom who's doing her very best to navigate life
[4:55] Speaker 1: with an eight year old son. And I'm just gonna
[4:58] Speaker 1: whizz through some things. Feel free to cut me off, interrupt,
[5:00] Speaker 1: or even push back if you need to. The first
[5:02] Speaker 1: thing I want to talk about is the extra curricular activities.
[5:05] Speaker 1: Two different soccer clubs, cricket and piano. And he's still
[5:09] Speaker 1: not quite eight, about to turn eight.
[5:11] Speaker 2: That's a lot.
[5:12] Speaker 4: And they're all really structured, very controlled environments.
[5:18] Speaker 2: They're really controlled environments.
[5:20] Speaker 1: And what I know is that increasingly we are putting
[5:23] Speaker 1: children under pressure to be in these structured, controlled environments
[5:27] Speaker 1: where adults are guiding them and they're being developed. Kids
[5:31] Speaker 1: are being developed there are projects.
[5:33] Speaker 2: It's all about, and.
[5:35] Speaker 4: There's kind of only one way to do it right.
[5:37] Speaker 4: To do it right, there's one way.
[5:39] Speaker 1: Yeah, So I tend to push back against getting your
[5:44] Speaker 1: children involved in structured activities before the age of nine
[5:49] Speaker 1: or ten, and specifically competition competitive pursuits where your identity
[5:55] Speaker 1: starts to become tied up with your results. And if
[6:00] Speaker 1: you're playing soccer and you're not doing very well, that
[6:02] Speaker 1: means you must be any good at soccer and you
[6:03] Speaker 1: must be a loser. The competitive aspects aren't necessarily good
[6:06] Speaker 1: for young kids' resilience because their brain hasn't caught up
[6:09] Speaker 1: with exactly how competition works and what it's for now.
[6:12] Speaker 1: I'm not saying that we should have this mum pull
[6:14] Speaker 1: her kids out of these things. They are good things,
[6:17] Speaker 1: and I would rather him be in structured, adult led
[6:22] Speaker 1: activities than sitting at home playing roadblocks, for example, or
[6:26] Speaker 1: stirring at a screen or whatever. It sounds like that
[6:28] Speaker 1: probably isn't going to be an issue in this particular home,
[6:31] Speaker 1: but it is an issue in many many homes. What
[6:33] Speaker 1: I would say, though, is this, have him involved in
[6:36] Speaker 1: activities where one he's got some choice in it. So
[6:38] Speaker 1: if he's hating piano, getting to play the drums, or
[6:40] Speaker 1: get Hi to play the trumpe or the trombone or
[6:41] Speaker 1: the the obo, the obo.
[6:46] Speaker 2: Let's do that.
[6:47] Speaker 1: He'll probably get a scholarship at a fancy school because
[6:49] Speaker 1: they can't get enough obo players for the orchestra. Get
[6:52] Speaker 1: him doing things where his friends are, and get him
[6:56] Speaker 1: doing things where it's not about competition. It's just about
[6:59] Speaker 1: enjoying and developing the confidence as he goes well.
[7:03] Speaker 4: I would go further and say that instead of having
[7:05] Speaker 4: structured activities, maybe organizing a playdate where there is no structure,
[7:11] Speaker 4: there's no expectations.
[7:12] Speaker 2: It's just having fun.
[7:14] Speaker 4: They're climbing trees, they're playing ball.
[7:17] Speaker 1: What happened riding a bikeross skateboard, maybe falling over and
[7:20] Speaker 1: spraining a wrist.
[7:21] Speaker 2: It's okay.
[7:22] Speaker 1: Kids should do one thing every week that could land
[7:23] Speaker 1: them in hospital if it goes wrong. I don't have
[7:25] Speaker 1: a problem with them taking risks. You shake your head
[7:27] Speaker 1: every time I say that. You really chape when I
[7:30] Speaker 1: say that, I don't want them to go to hospital.
[7:31] Speaker 2: It's about it's about learning to find the edges.
[7:34] Speaker 1: Though I'm pushing boundaries, and that's so healthy. For them,
[7:36] Speaker 1: So I wanted to say that about the extracurricular activities first. Generally,
[7:40] Speaker 1: though in spite of my reservations, I would still say
[7:43] Speaker 1: in twenty twenty six, this sounds like a mum and
[7:47] Speaker 1: a dad who are doing great, and I wouldn't be
[7:50] Speaker 1: pushing for big changes here. The things that we've talked
[7:53] Speaker 1: about are going to be useful. Second thing, I've got
[7:55] Speaker 1: to talk about the TV situation, because this is the
[7:59] Speaker 1: reality of every family that you talk to.
[8:04] Speaker 2: TV and screens.
[8:07] Speaker 1: I think half an hour a day's fine at this age,
[8:09] Speaker 1: maybe even up to an hour. Honestly, when we were
[8:12] Speaker 1: listening to it, you whispered to me and said, is
[8:15] Speaker 1: he finishing the episode in half an hour? Or maybe
[8:17] Speaker 1: a lot of episodes on to goo for twenty two minutes,
[8:19] Speaker 1: and so it's like, oh, well, I got to watch
[8:21] Speaker 1: one and a third, but I want to know what's
[8:23] Speaker 1: going to happen. So I think timing matters. I tend
[8:26] Speaker 1: to think that we don't have to be really hardcore
[8:28] Speaker 1: rigid on this. We can be a little bit flexible
[8:30] Speaker 1: around it.
[8:31] Speaker 2: TV is vastly superior.
[8:32] Speaker 1: To being on any other kind of screen because there
[8:34] Speaker 1: is no algorithm reaching into their brain, nor is there
[8:36] Speaker 1: any persuasive design demanding that they stay attached. But TV
[8:41] Speaker 1: does keep on going, right, Like if you don't turn
[8:43] Speaker 1: it off, it will keep going. Whereas when you're reading
[8:45] Speaker 1: a book, eventually you're kind of like, I'm at the
[8:47] Speaker 1: end of the chapter and it is time for me
[8:49] Speaker 1: to touch grass.
[8:50] Speaker 2: It is time for it.
[8:50] Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm done, I've read enough for now. TV it
[8:54] Speaker 1: softens the brain, It makes the brain a bit squishy,
[8:56] Speaker 1: and it really does take away will power screens worse
[9:00] Speaker 1: other screens.
[9:01] Speaker 2: The interactive style. But TV a bit of an issue.
[9:05] Speaker 1: I don't think that TV's the problem here, and I
[9:07] Speaker 1: don't think the extra curricular activities are the problem here either.
[9:10] Speaker 1: So after the break, we're going to talk about emotion
[9:13] Speaker 1: regulation and four strategies that could help with an eight
[9:16] Speaker 1: year old who's blowing up when he hears no.
[9:19] Speaker 2: Stay with We're back. It's the Happy Famili's podcast.
[9:29] Speaker 1: If you're enjoying the pod, please share it with your
[9:30] Speaker 1: friend's family, anyone that you know that has kids that
[9:33] Speaker 1: might want their family to be happier and you think, hmm, Justin.
[9:36] Speaker 2: And Kylie talking about useful stuff. Share the pod please,
[9:39] Speaker 2: it helps get the word out, and that's how we
[9:41] Speaker 2: get to help more families.
[9:43] Speaker 1: Kylie, as I listened to the challenges that this one's
[9:46] Speaker 1: having with her eight year old, I just thought, we've
[9:49] Speaker 1: got to talk about emotional regulation.
[9:50] Speaker 2: This is a critical thing.
[9:51] Speaker 1: So kids regulate their emotions when they're able to turn
[9:54] Speaker 1: them up or down appropriately for the context, in a
[9:56] Speaker 1: harmony with their long term goals. The reason that psych
[10:00] Speaker 1: cologists say that emotions aren't really the kids don't get
[10:04] Speaker 1: good at regulating emotions most of the time in most
[10:06] Speaker 1: circumstances until they're at least nine or ten, is because
[10:10] Speaker 1: until then they're not really thinking long term.
[10:13] Speaker 4: No, it's entirely in the moment. But they're also not
[10:15] Speaker 4: thinking about the other people either care it's fool about them,
[10:18] Speaker 4: egocentric and so now you get a few years where
[10:21] Speaker 4: they start thinking about other people.
[10:22] Speaker 1: And this is the frustration, because when we're talking about
[10:28] Speaker 1: boys particularly, they develop their emotion regulation a little slower
[10:31] Speaker 1: than girls.
[10:32] Speaker 2: That's the first thing.
[10:33] Speaker 1: They also develop empathy, that is the ability to see
[10:36] Speaker 1: how other people are feeling, understand how they're feeling, even
[10:38] Speaker 1: feel how other people are feeling, way slower than girls.
[10:41] Speaker 1: And they actually experience a little bit of a drop
[10:43] Speaker 1: in their tween and teen years compared to girls who
[10:45] Speaker 1: continually get better at it. So when it comes to
[10:48] Speaker 1: boys and emotions, we're kind of fighting a bit of
[10:50] Speaker 1: an uphill battle. I've written a couple of chapters about
[10:52] Speaker 1: that in my upcoming book about boys, and it's absolutely compelling.
[10:57] Speaker 1: Developmentally as well. Boys are going through this being related
[11:01] Speaker 1: to their emotions called adrena key. So you've heard of
[11:04] Speaker 1: meniche menichy is that time during puberty where a girl
[11:07] Speaker 1: has her first period.
[11:09] Speaker 2: A drena key.
[11:10] Speaker 1: This this is the adrenal gland. And with boys around
[11:13] Speaker 1: seven to eight, they experience a surge in the hormonal
[11:18] Speaker 1: precursors that they need for puberty, and that's called a
[11:20] Speaker 1: drena key, like adrenaline, but chg on the end adrena key,
[11:24] Speaker 1: and that leads to dramatic and rapidly changing moods and
[11:30] Speaker 1: increased sensitivity and often a whole lot of defiance. Why
[11:34] Speaker 1: because these hormones are going all through their brain and
[11:37] Speaker 1: body and we're saying no, and there's like, but I
[11:38] Speaker 1: don't like it. Plus they're becoming bigger and stronger. They
[11:41] Speaker 1: know they're becoming more mature. They feel like they can
[11:43] Speaker 1: take everything on now, even at the young.
[11:46] Speaker 2: Tender action, I feel like they're big people seven or eight. Yeah,
[11:48] Speaker 2: that's right.
[11:49] Speaker 1: They're not like the little kids anymore. They understand what's
[11:52] Speaker 1: going on, and so that makes emotion regulation even harder.
[11:56] Speaker 1: They struggle with control issues and autonomy because they feel
[11:59] Speaker 1: like they're mature, they want to be able to do
[12:01] Speaker 1: their own thing, their emotions become trickier. I've already mentioned empathy.
[12:05] Speaker 1: So let's talk about strategies because they're the developmental realities
[12:09] Speaker 1: that we're facing.
[12:10] Speaker 4: I'm feeling really sorry for this, mummy. Haven't painted a
[12:12] Speaker 4: really good picture right now. This feels like it's a
[12:15] Speaker 4: losing battle.
[12:16] Speaker 2: Well it kind of is. I mean that was pessimistic. Sorry,
[12:19] Speaker 2: let me rewind that, jay I help me out. Well,
[12:23] Speaker 2: it's not a losing battle. Missus.
[12:24] Speaker 1: Happy families, but as parents we need to be on
[12:26] Speaker 1: our toes and this can be a tricky time for
[12:28] Speaker 1: some of us.
[12:29] Speaker 2: Is that better? Did I say that?
[12:30] Speaker 4: All right?
[12:31] Speaker 3: All right?
[12:31] Speaker 2: A little bit of a silver.
[12:32] Speaker 1: Arne put a positive sheene on a very very difficult
[12:35] Speaker 1: situation for strategy. Well, I'm adding a fifth one because
[12:38] Speaker 1: one post in my head just now. So we've got
[12:41] Speaker 1: a little boy who's turning into a big boy, who's
[12:43] Speaker 1: going to become a man. I don't think that it's
[12:45] Speaker 1: ever too early to start talking to our boys about
[12:48] Speaker 1: what it is to be a man. And when a
[12:51] Speaker 1: young boy, or even a middle boy, or even a
[12:54] Speaker 1: teen boy starts to lose control of their emotion, daddy
[12:57] Speaker 1: boy or a daddy boy, it's important to say not
[13:01] Speaker 1: in the moment, but later on, when you got really emotional,
[13:03] Speaker 1: before that shut loss of control, A strong, healthy man
[13:09] Speaker 1: doesn't use his strength to dominate and control and intimidate
[13:13] Speaker 1: and coerce. A strong, healthy man uses his strength to
[13:18] Speaker 1: be sensitive to others, to be considerate, to help others
[13:20] Speaker 1: feel safer and stronger. And in that moment, I didn't
[13:23] Speaker 1: actually feel safe or strong. I felt like you were
[13:25] Speaker 1: trying to weaken me. What kind of boy do you
[13:27] Speaker 1: want to be? What kind of man do you want
[13:29] Speaker 1: to be? And just repeating that idea that a healthy man,
[13:33] Speaker 1: healthy masculinity is helping the people around you feel safer
[13:36] Speaker 1: and stronger. You say that one hundred and fifty times
[13:38] Speaker 1: a year, and it starts like Chinese water till it's
[13:41] Speaker 1: Eventually it gets into their head and when they do
[13:43] Speaker 1: things that do not help the people around them feel
[13:45] Speaker 1: safer and stronger, they kind of know that, I hang on,
[13:47] Speaker 1: I'm not quite living up to the expectation of what
[13:50] Speaker 1: a good, healthy, safe man does. So that's my first thing.
[13:55] Speaker 1: Just let's start this conversation about what healthy masculinity is early. Incidentally,
[13:59] Speaker 1: I think it's good to teach how girls that as well,
[14:01] Speaker 1: so they know that when they're around a young man
[14:02] Speaker 1: who does not help them to feel safe and strong,
[14:04] Speaker 1: they know that that's not the kind of young man
[14:06] Speaker 1: that they want to spend time with. They can find
[14:08] Speaker 1: the ones that help them feel safe and strong. Okay,
[14:10] Speaker 1: my second solution with the TV. Come up with a
[14:14] Speaker 1: solution there where he knows before the TV goes off
[14:19] Speaker 1: and the fighter ups, he knows what's happening. So you
[14:22] Speaker 1: hand him the remote control and say you've got thirty minutes, kiddo,
[14:25] Speaker 1: or you've got two episodes, and you get a pinky promise,
[14:28] Speaker 1: and you say, what are we going to do afterwards?
[14:29] Speaker 1: And this is the critical thing, what are we going
[14:31] Speaker 1: to do after the TV goes off? That you can
[14:34] Speaker 1: transition to happily because if he knows where he's going next,
[14:38] Speaker 1: and it's something he's looking forward to doing or he
[14:40] Speaker 1: feels good about doing. He's going to be much more
[14:43] Speaker 1: willing to surrender the TV remote.
[14:45] Speaker 4: And you're not suggesting we reward him for handing the remote, well,
[14:49] Speaker 4: suggesting that we come up with next steps. So whatever
[14:52] Speaker 4: the next step is in the routine, and.
[14:55] Speaker 1: It could be as simple as, hey, you know what,
[14:56] Speaker 1: the TV episode's going to be finished and we're going
[14:58] Speaker 1: to be having dinner a twenty minut later. So after
[15:01] Speaker 1: the TV, it's straight into the bath or the shower
[15:03] Speaker 1: and then it's dinner time. Or after the TV, we've
[15:06] Speaker 1: still got that project that we were working on, and
[15:09] Speaker 1: I'm going to come and spend fifteen or twenty minutes
[15:10] Speaker 1: on that with you as soon as TV's done. So
[15:13] Speaker 1: this isn't a reward, This is a let's just map out,
[15:15] Speaker 1: as you said, next steps. Another thing that has been
[15:21] Speaker 1: useful with some parents that I've spoken to is there's
[15:23] Speaker 1: a signal. The lights flash on and off five times,
[15:26] Speaker 1: and that's the you've got a minute to go, and
[15:28] Speaker 1: then the TV goes off, and that means that you
[15:30] Speaker 1: don't have to say any words. You don't have to
[15:32] Speaker 1: overload their brain with emotion, your own emotion and anticipation
[15:35] Speaker 1: that I know this fight coming and we're going to
[15:37] Speaker 1: have this antagonism. The light switch goes on and off
[15:40] Speaker 1: five times, and your son just has to give you
[15:43] Speaker 1: a thumbs up.
[15:43] Speaker 2: And now he's got a minute.
[15:44] Speaker 1: Or two to process that Okay, it's time to turn
[15:47] Speaker 1: the TV off, and then he just does it because
[15:48] Speaker 1: he's had that nonverbal, non human signal.
[15:52] Speaker 4: Lots of TVs have like timeless time on them, and
[15:57] Speaker 4: that way, again, you're not being the enforcer. The TV
[16:01] Speaker 4: itself does it for you.
[16:04] Speaker 1: We've found that to be useful in our home until
[16:07] Speaker 1: our children worked out how to get around it. But
[16:09] Speaker 1: it is useful when your children are younger. The last
[16:13] Speaker 1: couple of things explore Explain in power. Explore explain in power.
[16:16] Speaker 1: I've written about it in all of my books. You
[16:18] Speaker 1: can find it in podcast episodes where that's all we
[16:20] Speaker 1: talk about. I've got blog articles about it, so I'm
[16:23] Speaker 1: not going to elaborate on it now. But my three
[16:26] Speaker 1: ease of Effective Discipline explore explaining power everywhere.
[16:29] Speaker 4: So she's talked a lot about you know, the conversation
[16:31] Speaker 4: she's been having with her child. I wonder if there's
[16:35] Speaker 4: any questioning going on, if she's actually asking him to
[16:37] Speaker 4: take perspective and helping her understand where he's coming from
[16:41] Speaker 4: as well. When our kids feel like we're working with them,
[16:45] Speaker 4: we're going to get much better compliance than when they
[16:47] Speaker 4: feel like they're being acted.
[16:49] Speaker 1: Upon, exactly because that compliance is self reinforcing. It's not
[16:53] Speaker 1: us making them do it, it's them saying this makes sense,
[16:55] Speaker 1: and I value where we're going here.
[16:58] Speaker 2: That's what explore explaining power is all about.
[17:00] Speaker 4: Yea, So a conversation, I'm noticing that every time I
[17:02] Speaker 4: ask you to turn the TV off, we're having really
[17:05] Speaker 4: big upsets. I'm wondering if you can tell me how
[17:07] Speaker 4: you're feeling about it and what we can do so
[17:09] Speaker 4: that this doesn't happen, because I love that you get
[17:12] Speaker 4: to have some downtime, but I don't love what happens
[17:14] Speaker 4: when it's time to chat it off.
[17:16] Speaker 2: Perfect Two more things.
[17:17] Speaker 1: Number One, I would say, if your child is doing
[17:20] Speaker 1: absolutely the wrong thing and he's been told and told
[17:22] Speaker 1: and told again, just make it really clear.
[17:24] Speaker 2: You don't have to be polite about this.
[17:25] Speaker 1: You can just say I've asked you, you've just crossed
[17:28] Speaker 1: the line.
[17:29] Speaker 2: Stop it.
[17:30] Speaker 1: Like, I don't have a problem with parents being really
[17:31] Speaker 1: clear and really firm and really direct and sometimes even
[17:33] Speaker 1: a little bit blunt with their children, because sometimes kids
[17:37] Speaker 1: need to hear it really, really bluntly. There are some
[17:39] Speaker 1: things that don't sink in unless you make it abundantly clear.
[17:42] Speaker 1: And the last thing that I'd say is, none of
[17:44] Speaker 1: this stuff is one and done. Like you will have
[17:47] Speaker 1: these conversations in an enduring way, because it takes a
[17:50] Speaker 1: long time for children to learn how to regulate their emotions.
[17:52] Speaker 2: And figure it out.
[17:54] Speaker 1: We really hope that this has been a helpful conversation
[17:56] Speaker 1: for anyone whose kids are struggling with their emotion regulation
[17:58] Speaker 1: and having those big ups and downs. If you have
[18:00] Speaker 1: a tricky question, let us know via happy families dot
[18:03] Speaker 1: com dot au in our super simple system, or send
[18:06] Speaker 1: us a voice note to podcasts at happy families dot
[18:09] Speaker 1: com dot Au. The Happy Families podcast, produced by Justin
[18:12] Speaker 1: Rouland from Bridge Media Mim Hammons, gives us all the admin,
[18:16] Speaker 1: research and other support we need, and if you'd like
[18:19] Speaker 1: more in photo make your Family Happier, you'll find it
[18:21] Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot Au.

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