# The Kindness Paradox That Changes Your Child’s Mental Health

An episode of [Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families](https://invisiblenetwork.ai/podcast/1082244480), 8 Jul 2026, 16 min.

Audio: https://mgln.ai/e/187/traffic.omny.fm/d/clips/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/b69b2795-5503-4de1-ac91-af460017906e/ab2002ea-f470-4040-8350-b47800c3daa4/audio.mp3?utm_source=Podcast&in_playlist=a05f1702-0c0e-4b0f-8014-af460017907c

When your child is anxious, lonely or flat… your instinct is to comfort them. But what if the fastest way to help them feel better isn’t self-care — it’s helping someone else? New research reveals a powerful mental health shift that happens when kids practise kindness outward instead of inward. The results are surprising — and incredibly practical for everyday family life. In this Doctor’s Desk episode, we unpack the science behind the “kindness paradox” and show you exactly how to use it at home this week. KEY POINTS • A study of 777 adults found helping others reduced depression, anxiety and loneliness. • Self-kindness reduced depression — but didn’t touch anxiety or loneliness. • Kindness toward others builds connection, and connection is at the core of mental health. • Feeling like you matter changes everything. • Small acts (compliments, thank you notes, cookie drops) create powerful emotional shifts. • Teaching kids outward kindness may be one of the simplest wellbeing tools available. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE “The fastest way to feel better about yourself is to help someone else feel better about their life.” RESOURCES MENTIONED • Study published in Emotion on prosocial vs self-focused kindness interventions • The concept of “mattering” in psychological wellbeing research ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS • Ask at dinner: “Who did you help today?” • Plan one small act of kindness as a family this week. • Encourage compliments to strangers, teachers or friends. • Write one handwritten thank-you note together. • Repeat it next week — aim for three acts of kindness. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

## Transcript

[0:05] Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Family Podcast. Here's a question,
[0:09] Speaker 1: when you're feeling anxious, when you're feeling down, when you're
[0:11] Speaker 1: feeling alone, which we all do sometimes, what do most
[0:15] Speaker 1: of us do? Research seems to indicate that we turn inwards.
[0:20] Speaker 1: We try to take care of ourselves, maybe along bath
[0:23] Speaker 1: if we're so lucky to have the luxury some chocky
[0:26] Speaker 1: and Netflix binge. A bit of retail therapy culture tells
[0:30] Speaker 1: us you need self care, you need to put yourself first,
[0:32] Speaker 1: you need to treat yourself. And I am not against
[0:35] Speaker 1: any of those things. Sometimes they can feel really good,
[0:38] Speaker 1: but there's fascinating research that suggests that we might be
[0:41] Speaker 1: getting this backwards. Today on the Happy Families Podcast, a
[0:44] Speaker 1: doctor's Desk episode that highlights some brand new research suggesting
[0:50] Speaker 1: something called the kindness paradox. While helping others helps you
[0:56] Speaker 1: more that next stay with us. Hello and welcome to
[1:02] Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast, where you get real parenting solutions
[1:04] Speaker 1: every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Today.
[1:10] Speaker 1: We are going to be upfront about it. It's about
[1:12] Speaker 1: kindness and how to teach your kids kindness. We often
[1:16] Speaker 1: around the dinner table instead of talking about what you're
[1:18] Speaker 1: grateful for or what made you happy today, we talk
[1:21] Speaker 1: about who you were kind to or who was kind
[1:24] Speaker 1: to you, and we find that it promotes some pretty
[1:27] Speaker 1: interesting conversations today. A study published in the journal Emotion
[1:31] Speaker 1: just in the last couple of months that took seven
[1:34] Speaker 1: hundred and seventy seven people during the COVID nineteen pandemic,
[1:38] Speaker 1: a time where there was a whole lot of depression
[1:40] Speaker 1: and anxiety and loneliness right up high, and split them
[1:43] Speaker 1: into three groups to have a look at how we
[1:45] Speaker 1: could play around with kindness, happiness, wellbeing, and mental health challenges.
[1:52] Speaker 2: So I give you a really hard time about all
[1:54] Speaker 2: the research, and you do this is some research I
[1:57] Speaker 2: could really back up. I can get behind this one.
[2:00] Speaker 1: Why is that? Is it because it resonates with your
[2:02] Speaker 1: life or because it's just so practical that it doesn't
[2:04] Speaker 1: feel like it's theory. It actually just feels like real life.
[2:07] Speaker 2: No, Because I've had so many experiences been on the
[2:12] Speaker 2: receiving end of other people's kindness, been the one giving kindness,
[2:17] Speaker 2: and I've had some really powerful shifts in my mental
[2:23] Speaker 2: health as a result of choosing kindness for others Over
[2:28] Speaker 2: kindness for myself over the years I've seen at work.
[2:32] Speaker 1: So let's not bury the lead. Let's just go straight
[2:35] Speaker 1: to the punchline. The upshot of what this study was
[2:38] Speaker 1: three groups, Like I said, seven hundred and seventy seven people.
[2:41] Speaker 1: Group one, do three acts of kindness for other people
[2:46] Speaker 1: each week. Group two, do three acts of kindness for
[2:50] Speaker 1: yourself each week. Group three, they're the control group. Just
[2:55] Speaker 1: go about your life, how boring. The control groups never
[2:58] Speaker 1: the exciting group, and they were measured on depression, anxiety,
[3:03] Speaker 1: and loneliness at basedline and then two weeks later.
[3:05] Speaker 2: I can assume, based on my own personal experience, what
[3:08] Speaker 2: they found. But what came out of the study.
[3:10] Speaker 1: What came out of the study was exactly what you
[3:12] Speaker 1: would expect based on your own personal experience. The research
[3:15] Speaker 1: has found that the people who did acts of kindness
[3:16] Speaker 1: for others saw significant decreases in all three depression down,
[3:19] Speaker 1: anxiety down, loneliness down. Let me say that again. Look
[3:23] Speaker 1: after other people and your depressive symptoms, your anxiety symptoms,
[3:27] Speaker 1: and your loneliness all drop. People who did the acts
[3:31] Speaker 1: of kindness for themselves, Depression dropped, but anxiety and loneliness stayed.
[3:36] Speaker 1: The same. I think that's an interesting finding. We'll come
[3:38] Speaker 1: back to that in a sec people who were the
[3:41] Speaker 1: control group, nothing changed. Everything was the same as you
[3:46] Speaker 1: would expect, but worth highlighting this. Helping others reduced anxiety
[3:51] Speaker 1: and loneliness and depression. Helping yourself didn't accept for depression.
[3:57] Speaker 1: So today a conversation about why this matters not just
[4:01] Speaker 1: for us, but also for our kids.
[4:02] Speaker 2: I'm going back a number of years now, but I
[4:04] Speaker 2: remember a time where one of my friends just totally
[4:06] Speaker 2: disappeared off the social planet, like just she was not there.
[4:10] Speaker 2: And I finally reached out to her and I said,
[4:13] Speaker 2: what's going on? And she said, I'm just in a
[4:15] Speaker 2: funk and I just I don't know what to.
[4:17] Speaker 1: Do, and I don't like people. I don't want to
[4:18] Speaker 1: be around them.
[4:19] Speaker 2: Yeah, And we had a little chat about that, and
[4:22] Speaker 2: I kind of, you know, we brainstored some ideas and
[4:26] Speaker 2: finally I said to her, why don't we do some
[4:29] Speaker 2: secret drop offs to people in our community? And she
[4:33] Speaker 2: was like okay, and she said what are you thinking?
[4:35] Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, I think we need to pick
[4:37] Speaker 2: a theme, and I think I think let's let's color
[4:40] Speaker 2: theme it. And she was like okay, Like she.
[4:44] Speaker 1: Was like, what are you doing? This is so you,
[4:47] Speaker 1: This is so you.
[4:50] Speaker 2: So her husband's very first car was a little yellow
[4:53] Speaker 2: escort and she said, you'll never guess what my husband
[4:57] Speaker 2: just brought. He had found the same kind of car
[5:01] Speaker 2: from his late teens and brought it as a little
[5:04] Speaker 2: bit of a hobby car. And she said, we've got
[5:07] Speaker 2: it sitting in the yard. I'm like, yellow, Let's take
[5:09] Speaker 2: the car out and we'll make it a yellow a
[5:12] Speaker 2: yellow theme. So we became the Sunshine Bandits.
[5:15] Speaker 1: And the great thing is you're in a car that
[5:16] Speaker 1: nobody recognizes in the garage.
[5:19] Speaker 2: Well, if we were ever trying to be stealthy, being
[5:20] Speaker 2: in a yellow escort from the nineteen seventies was not
[5:25] Speaker 2: the best choice.
[5:26] Speaker 1: But nobody knew that it was.
[5:29] Speaker 2: But can I tell you over the next handful of months,
[5:33] Speaker 2: the joy that we experienced as we reconnected as friends and.
[5:37] Speaker 1: Did all the planning and who are we going to
[5:39] Speaker 1: knock on the door of and surprise with goodies?
[5:41] Speaker 2: We drove into somebody's driveway one night. Her husband's a policeman.
[5:46] Speaker 2: The police car showed up. As we were trying to
[5:49] Speaker 2: be stealthy in all black looking up her driveway. So
[5:53] Speaker 2: we're now hiding in the bushes with two policemen in
[5:57] Speaker 2: the driveway, and we had to stay there for about
[6:00] Speaker 2: ten minutes.
[6:01] Speaker 1: Well, he went in and got his dinner.
[6:03] Speaker 2: And came out and left. Another time, we literally we
[6:06] Speaker 2: were climbing up the stairs and realized that the front
[6:09] Speaker 2: window was open and our friend was literally sitting against
[6:14] Speaker 2: the chair at the front window.
[6:16] Speaker 1: So now we're.
[6:16] Speaker 2: Down on all fours, crawling across her veranda.
[6:21] Speaker 1: So you're doing these mystery drops. You're dropping off parcels
[6:23] Speaker 1: to everybody. Let me ask you this question about this,
[6:26] Speaker 1: and it's so fun even hearing you relive the story.
[6:29] Speaker 1: She wasn't feeling great. You've said, let's jump in the
[6:32] Speaker 1: little yellow escort and zim around over the next couple
[6:36] Speaker 1: of months and.
[6:36] Speaker 2: Drop with the really crunchy gears.
[6:38] Speaker 1: Will drop things off at people that we love and
[6:42] Speaker 1: see if we can bring some sunshine into their lives. Obviously,
[6:45] Speaker 1: it felt good.
[6:46] Speaker 2: It felt amazing.
[6:47] Speaker 1: What would it have been like if you said, Hey,
[6:49] Speaker 1: over the next couple of months, let's go out once
[6:51] Speaker 1: a week and get lunch, or let's go and get
[6:53] Speaker 1: a massage. Would it have had the same impact.
[6:56] Speaker 2: So because in essence I was helping her and we
[7:00] Speaker 2: were connecting. I think that going out for lunch would
[7:03] Speaker 2: have had a similar impact. But I believe the joy
[7:09] Speaker 2: of knowing that our little visit was going to bring
[7:12] Speaker 2: other people joy is the biggest gift out of that experience.
[7:17] Speaker 2: Connecting with people is important, and if we're struggling to
[7:22] Speaker 2: do things with other people, having one person that we
[7:26] Speaker 2: can catch up with and just share our hearts with
[7:28] Speaker 2: that's really important. But the real gift is when we
[7:32] Speaker 2: recognize that other people are doing it hard too. We
[7:36] Speaker 2: have no idea the burdens that people are carrying, and
[7:39] Speaker 2: if we can find ways to just spark a little
[7:41] Speaker 2: bit of joy in their lives, it actually makes us
[7:43] Speaker 2: feel awesome.
[7:44] Speaker 1: Sunshine Bandits, Let's find out why it is that doing
[7:48] Speaker 1: kind things to yourself might reduce depression but doesn't address
[7:52] Speaker 1: anxiety and loneliness, and why when you're kind to others
[7:55] Speaker 1: you feel more connected, you have positive outcomes across the board,
[7:59] Speaker 1: and what this means for us as parents. That's next
[8:03] Speaker 1: on the Happy Families podcast Doctor's Desk condition stay with us,
[8:14] Speaker 1: We're back. This is the Happy Family's podcast. We adjustin
[8:16] Speaker 1: and Kylie Colson. If you're enjoying the pod and you
[8:18] Speaker 1: get something out of it, please share it with your friends,
[8:20] Speaker 1: your neighbors. When you do that, it helps other people
[8:23] Speaker 1: to discover the pod, and of course that means we
[8:25] Speaker 1: get to make more of an impact in people's lives.
[8:27] Speaker 2: For anyone wondering why kindness directed it other people has
[8:33] Speaker 2: a bigger impact, what would you share with them? What
[8:36] Speaker 2: would you say?
[8:36] Speaker 1: So, based on this study, here's what I'm taking from it.
[8:39] Speaker 1: When you're kind to yourself, you feel a lot of
[8:41] Speaker 1: positive emotion in the moment. That's good. I mean, that's
[8:43] Speaker 1: why we're well.
[8:44] Speaker 2: There's so much talk about self care and this need
[8:47] Speaker 2: to actually make time for yourself, like actually withdraw and
[8:52] Speaker 2: connect with yourself, Like that's an important part and.
[8:54] Speaker 1: It feels good to spoil yourself. So in that moment,
[8:57] Speaker 1: short term, you get a positive emotion that's likely to
[9:01] Speaker 1: reduce your feelings of depression, which is good. It doesn't
[9:05] Speaker 1: necessarily last, and sometimes while you're in the middle of
[9:07] Speaker 1: the massage, all you can think about is all the
[9:08] Speaker 1: other things you're supposed to be doing and all the
[9:09] Speaker 1: stress you're carrying. But that should usually be okay, But
[9:13] Speaker 1: it doesn't address anxiety, and it doesn't address loneliness. When
[9:17] Speaker 1: you're kind to others, it increases your connection to those people.
[9:21] Speaker 1: The sense of connection is associated with all those good feelings,
[9:24] Speaker 1: but it also decreases anxiety and loneliness. It works through
[9:28] Speaker 1: totally different pathways. Self kindness makes you feel good. Other
[9:32] Speaker 1: kindness makes you feel connected. Yeah.
[9:35] Speaker 2: So in my experience, the times where I have done
[9:39] Speaker 2: things for myself, I've felt great in the moment, like
[9:42] Speaker 2: you've said, but then I've had.
[9:44] Speaker 1: To re enter the word come back to the family, whatever.
[9:48] Speaker 2: That looks like, whatever the challenges that I'm experiencing, it's
[9:51] Speaker 2: still there at the other end, and that luxurious moment
[9:56] Speaker 2: in time that was all just mine has all but gone.
[10:00] Speaker 2: When I do things for other people, in essence, it's
[10:04] Speaker 2: the same. I'm coming back to the real world, but
[10:08] Speaker 2: I'm also so much more aware that somebody else's life
[10:12] Speaker 2: has changed because I've done something.
[10:15] Speaker 1: We have this thing at church where we're supposed to
[10:18] Speaker 1: look after other people and the congregation, and we're given
[10:21] Speaker 1: like an assignment. I want to justin. I went to
[10:24] Speaker 1: look after these three families, just keep an eye on them,
[10:26] Speaker 1: check in, make sure that they're okay. And there have
[10:29] Speaker 1: been times where I've looked at you and I like,
[10:30] Speaker 1: I need to go and just visit these three families,
[10:32] Speaker 1: just check in, just say hello, let them know that
[10:34] Speaker 1: I'm thinking of them. And more times than not, I'll
[10:37] Speaker 1: have a big sigh and say to you, I don't
[10:39] Speaker 1: have time for this. I'm just not in the mood
[10:41] Speaker 1: for it. I'm tired. There's so many things to do.
[10:43] Speaker 1: My family needs me, and it's a really big sacrifice
[10:46] Speaker 1: to go and do it. And yet, because I have
[10:48] Speaker 1: that sense of duty, but also because I care about
[10:50] Speaker 1: the families, you wave me goodbye and off I go
[10:52] Speaker 1: and do it. And what's fascinating to me, and I've
[10:55] Speaker 1: been thinking about this for about fifteen to twenty years,
[10:58] Speaker 1: is every time I go and do it, I come
[10:59] Speaker 1: back and feel better about life. I feel better about me,
[11:01] Speaker 1: and I come back as a better husband and father.
[11:04] Speaker 1: Going out and doing something for other people, creating those
[11:06] Speaker 1: connections outside the home actually helps me to come home
[11:09] Speaker 1: and appreciate the connections I have inside the home even more.
[11:12] Speaker 1: Connection is at the very core of our mental health,
[11:14] Speaker 1: it's the very core of our well being. Connection is
[11:17] Speaker 1: the very heart of our relationships in our lives and
[11:19] Speaker 1: what happens when we help others is our brain kind
[11:22] Speaker 1: of goes, I'm valuable to my community, I'm connected. I matter.
[11:28] Speaker 1: This psychological phenomenon called mattering that I was reading about
[11:32] Speaker 1: twenty years ago when I was doing my undergrad Researchers
[11:35] Speaker 1: have found that people who feel like they matter just
[11:37] Speaker 1: have better lives full stop, end of story, less lonely,
[11:40] Speaker 1: less anxiety, less depression, more well being. So we've only
[11:44] Speaker 1: got a minute or so, but we really need to
[11:46] Speaker 1: talk about what this means for us as parents. If
[11:49] Speaker 1: helping other people matters so much, what are we supposed
[11:52] Speaker 1: to do with our kids when it comes to helping
[11:55] Speaker 1: because kids don't really like helping that much, or.
[11:58] Speaker 2: Do They's crazy thing, though, I think that often when
[12:01] Speaker 2: we talk about helping others, we have we conjure up
[12:05] Speaker 2: in our head this massive task that needs to be
[12:08] Speaker 2: done in order for it to make a difference in
[12:11] Speaker 2: somebody's day. The amount of times I've been with my
[12:15] Speaker 2: children and one of them has seen somebody walk past
[12:19] Speaker 2: and they've really liked their haircut, or they've really liked
[12:22] Speaker 2: their dress, and literally have just looked at that person
[12:25] Speaker 2: and said oh my gosh, I love that dress. To
[12:29] Speaker 2: see that person's face. Like, first of all, it's a.
[12:31] Speaker 1: Little bit like some random are some random young person,
[12:35] Speaker 1: and what.
[12:35] Speaker 2: Do you want it? Often, yeah, there's there's definitely a
[12:38] Speaker 2: kind of skeptical beginning, and then when they've realized that
[12:43] Speaker 2: they literally are just there to kind of just compliment them,
[12:46] Speaker 2: to just see they actually walk away with a bit
[12:49] Speaker 2: of a step, like a spring in their step.
[12:50] Speaker 1: Of course, feels so good.
[12:52] Speaker 2: And that's the idea though, right, It's like it's it
[12:56] Speaker 2: can be as simple as that.
[12:58] Speaker 1: So if it's not a compliment, and it can be
[13:00] Speaker 1: what else would you say would be a really great.
[13:02] Speaker 2: It's not honking your horn when somebody does something wrong
[13:05] Speaker 2: on the road, like it's giving them the benefit of
[13:07] Speaker 2: the doubt. Like honestly, of course, imagine what it's like.
[13:11] Speaker 1: I feel you bit targeted the way you said that,
[13:12] Speaker 1: the way you looked at me.
[13:14] Speaker 2: I wasn't.
[13:14] Speaker 1: I I'm trying to stay off the horn. I'm trying
[13:18] Speaker 1: to be good. Although I did. I did try to
[13:20] Speaker 1: educate somebody about bicycle etiquette the other day when I
[13:23] Speaker 1: was writing and they wanted to have a word to me.
[13:25] Speaker 2: Well, they did nearly kill as anyway, But it's seeing
[13:28] Speaker 2: a short person at the shopping center struggling to get
[13:31] Speaker 2: a can off the top shelf and just going and
[13:34] Speaker 2: doing it.
[13:35] Speaker 1: You can say that because you're almost six foot tall,
[13:37] Speaker 1: drives me crazy. Yes, it is. Acts of kindness. So
[13:41] Speaker 1: a little cookie drop for the neighbors, thank you note
[13:44] Speaker 1: to the teacher. You've talked a number of times this
[13:47] Speaker 1: year about just a little coffee voucher for the teacher,
[13:49] Speaker 1: just as a thanks, calling a grandparent to say today, writing.
[13:55] Speaker 2: A hand written thank you note to somebody.
[13:59] Speaker 1: So we're not saying that self kindness is bad. The
[14:02] Speaker 1: study showed that it does. Regiuced depression and positive feelings
[14:06] Speaker 1: are important and taking.
[14:07] Speaker 2: Care of me master such any time.
[14:10] Speaker 1: But other kindness, other kindness, especially when you're struggling emotionally,
[14:15] Speaker 1: is a well being booster. And that is something that's
[14:19] Speaker 1: worth teaching to your kids to help them to be happier.
[14:22] Speaker 1: Here's your challenge for the week. Get the kids to
[14:26] Speaker 1: work with you on doing something kind of someone, and
[14:29] Speaker 1: if it works, do it again and again. Maybe three
[14:32] Speaker 1: active kindness, maybe five acts of kindness not for themselves
[14:36] Speaker 1: but for other people. And it doesn't have to be
[14:39] Speaker 1: big a tip.
[14:40] Speaker 2: If it's too hard for them to do that for
[14:42] Speaker 2: their siblings, often they're going to actually have a much
[14:45] Speaker 2: easier time doing it for someone outside the house.
[14:48] Speaker 1: And then at dinner time, instead of saying what made
[14:50] Speaker 1: you happy today or what we're grateful for which are
[14:52] Speaker 1: great questions, or what you've up to today, just say
[14:54] Speaker 1: to them who'd you help today or who helped you
[14:58] Speaker 1: and how did that feel? The research shows your kids
[15:02] Speaker 1: are going to fee less anxious, les depressed, less lonely.
[15:05] Speaker 1: They're going to feel happier because the funny paradox around
[15:09] Speaker 1: all of this is the fastest way to feel better
[15:10] Speaker 1: about yourself is to help someone else feel better about
[15:14] Speaker 1: their life. That's the doctor's desk for today. The Happy
[15:17] Speaker 1: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
[15:19] Speaker 1: Mim Hammonds provides additional support for us on the pod
[15:22] Speaker 1: and if you'd like more infer to make your family happier,
[15:24] Speaker 1: go and help someone. Don't worry about listening to the
[15:26] Speaker 1: pod or visiting the website. Just go and help someone.
[15:28] Speaker 1: We'll make a difference. Or visit Happy families dot com
[15:30] Speaker 1: dot a

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